SAFE (Good Influence)

UNSAFE (Bad Influence)

¨      I have heard this person admit to having current weaknesses and struggles.

¨      This person always seems to have it all together. 

¨      When I confront this person, he or she listens to me and tries to understand what is bothering me.

¨      When I confront this person, he or she becomes explosively angry, tries to put the blame back on me, or runs from the issue.

¨      This person is able to identify with others as a fellow-struggler.

¨      This person does not seem to see much of his or her own experience in the experiences of people who struggle with issues.

¨      I see genuine change of behavior when this person apologizes to me.

¨      This person apologizes but does not change his or her behavior.

¨      This person shows a consistent pattern of confronting and working on his or her own problems.

¨      This person uses habitually uses strategies such as denial, blaming, guilt, running away exc. to avoid working on his or her problems.

¨      This person can hear me say “I’m having trouble trusting you because…” and tries to reassure me.  He or she also avoids giving advice until he or she has earned that right through relationship-building or is asked.

¨      This person gets very offended if his or her trustworthiness is questioned.  He or she also gives advice without being asked and/or without earning the right.

¨      This person’s life is characterized by open, honest communication.

¨      This person seems unwilling or unable to tell the truth about what he or she is really thinking or feeling.

¨      This person takes responsibility for his or her own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, attitudes, choices, behavior, possessions, and money.

¨      This person shifts responsibility for his thoughts, feelings, beliefs, attitudes, behavior, choices, possessions, and money to others or tries to take responsibility to others. 

¨      This person shows growth over time.

¨      This person does not show growth over time.

¨      This person makes close relationships a priority for his or her life.

¨      This person avoids closeness instead of connecting. 

¨      This person listens to other people’s interests in addition to talking about his or her own.

¨      This person’s conversations are often one-sided, either all him or her, or all the other person.

¨      This person can graciously accept the word “no”. 

¨      This person responds to “no” with rage, withdrawal, or guilt-peddling.

¨      This person confronts me when I mess up, but stays close to me and doesn’t try to make me pay for my mistakes. 

¨      This person withdraws or tries to make me pay when I mess up, even if I ask for forgiveness.

¨      This person encourages a relationship of equality as fellow-adults.

¨      This person encourages parent-child roles (which one the person is doesn’t matter).

¨      This person does not allow him or herself to make too many close friends, and chooses those friends carefully. 

¨      This person throws him or herself into many relationships without evaluating the character of others.

¨      When I tell this person a secret, I know it will be kept. 

¨      I have reason to worry that my secrets will not be kept.