SPOILERS: Up to “The Gift”
SUMMARY: Angel deals with Buffy’s death by her grave.
PAIRINGS: B/A
DISTRIBUTION: If you have anything of mine, you can have this to, if not please ask first.
RATING: PG
FEEDBACK: Yes Please, I’d love some Akay_81@msn.com
DEDICATION: To Lea, Sobad, Kristian, Marchelle, Calista and Lana thank you for all your wonderful words on all of my fics, you guys have been great!
AN: // denotes memories, thoughts etc.

**********



“No, no, no.” His knees went weak beneath him, and he slowly fell to the ground, right in front of her cold headstone. The moment Willow came to L.A. to tell him he wouldn't believe it, there was no way he could, even though he could feel that something inside telling him that she was gone, he refused to listen to it.

So seeing it now, her grave sitting there in the empty field, he knew, he knew his love was gone.

His tears didn't seem to stop, the moment the first ones fell, fresh ones would well. He loved her more than he would ever love anything in his life. He’d constantly dreamt that one day they would be together again, that they would get that happily ever after. But now those dreams were gone, and replaced the harsh realization that he would never see his Buffy again.

/ “I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop.”
   “Me, me, too. I can't either.” /

Memories of days gone by flashed through his mind; he had nothing left of her, but what was in his heart. How was he supposed to go on without her? He knew that it would happen one day, he being a vampire and having to out live everyone he cared about, but not now, it was too soon. It would always be too soon.

He would trade anyone of his friend’s lives to have her back, even all of them if necessary, and all though it hurt him to think that, it couldn't be helped. He knew that if he could just have one more moment in time with Buffy, that he'd do anything for it.

He gently reached out tracing her name on the headstone with the pads of his fingers, all he could was cry for her, why her, why Buffy? He couldn't understand. She did everything for this world; she never stopped fighting, even when sometimes it was just too much, she would never stop. She fought and made this a better place, and now she didn’t get to stick around and enjoy it.

/ “Angel, when I look into the future, a-a... all I see is you! All
I want is you.”
“I know the feeling.” /

They never made plans while they were together; they lived in the moment, what ever happened, happened. But they both knew they wanted their forever, they knew they couldn't imagine a life with any other. But now it was all too late, she was gone and he had to carry on without her. How could he be expected to do that? She was his whole world, even after he left her two years ago, she never left his heart. He never stopped missing her, and not a single night would go by where she wouldn't occupy his dreams.

If only he had of known how bad things had become, if only he had of come back to Sunnydale, his friends could have saved Cordy without him. If he had of just been here, he could have saved her, she would be alive. He would have jumped off that tower for her; he could have done it too. It was her blood that was now coursing through his veins, the blood of the slayer was a strong thing, it had saved his life once and he could have used it to save hers.

“Buffy.” he whispered her name as he leant against her headstone “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It should have been me, not you. Your better than this, you shouldn't be there under all that dirt, you should be alive and with your family and friends........with me. But your not, and it’s all my fault.” he sobbed; it was still too unbelievable, how could she be dead and buried, how could she be gone forever.

/ “What's happening?”
“Shh. Don't worry about it.” /


“Buffy.....” he cried, he wouldn't move, he'd sit here forever, nothing could pry him from her, not now, even if it was too late.

“Angel............” He heard a whisper, it sounded just like her, like the cool night breeze was her voice and she was there speaking to him.

He looked around, hoping that it was more than that “Buffy, is that you?” he was in so much pain without her, and he just wanted her back, even if it was only for a brief moment, but was it really her voice or just wishful thinking?

Stretching out this leg he kicked the dirt that covered his loves body, what if he just dug and got her out, maybe someone could do a spell, maybe he could bring her back.

No he couldn't do that, he couldn't rip her out of heaven for his own selfish reasons, Buffy was finally in a place she deserved to be, the only place that was good enough for his love, and he couldn't take that away from her.

“Angel.” he heard that whisper again and he looked up, what met him was something he never expected, even though he hoped for it, he never thought it would happen.

“Buffy.” He whispered reaching out to touch her face. But his hand went straight through her.

She looked like a goddess, her long blonde locks blowing in the wind, her grey green eyes held that sparkle he’d been missing for years, and she had a white shimmering glow about her, she truly was an angel.

She was kneeling before him, giving him a look that showed him just how unhappy she was. She hated seeing him like this, she hated that her death was the cause of his pain. She smiled at him and reached out, gently touching his cheek, well trying to, but she couldn't make contact.

“I love you.” she whispered.

“I love you too.” he whispered back, new tears finding their way down his cheeks.

“If wish I could touch you once more.” she smiled.

“If wish it were me in your place.” He said looking up at her

“Done.” Came a whisper from behind them, Halfrek had granted his wish, now wolfram and hart would pay her accordingly.

The next time that Angel looked up, he found himself sitting in the magic shop, watching the Scooby gang walk out the front door.

/  “Don't what? Don't love you? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know that I got a choice in that. I'm never gonna change. I can't change. I want my life to be with you.
   “I don't.”  /

Where was Buffy, where was her grave, why was he in the magic shop when only moments ago he was sitting beside her grave, talking to her? He quickly got up and followed the rest of them out of the shop and into the dark night.

He stayed back, just curious as to what was going on. They came to stop right near a large tower and within the next few moments the scoobies broke out in battle.

He watched them fight for a short while, still not sure as to what was going on, and then he joined in, helping the scoobies even if he didn’t understand it. He noticed that all the scoobies were preoccupied and no one could get to Dawn to help her, that’s when he realised exactly what was going on, this was that moment in time, that night that Buffy lost her life.

Charging up the tower after the blonde vampire he watched as Spike was thrown off. He came up behind the demon that had thrown his grandchilde only to have the same fate upon him.

The moment he hit the ground, Angel got back up, and looked to see if Dawn was alright. She was bleeding, he could smell the blood, it was powerful, and it was Buffy's, as she was made from her sister after all.

He watched as Buffy saved the day nudging the demon off the tower, and he watched as she spoke to her sister, and he knew what it was she was saying, she was saying her goodbyes, but he couldn’t let her.

Once again racing up the tower he didn't stop till he reached the top. When he got there he watched as Buffy placed a simple kiss on her sister’s cheek and began her run. He chased after her and reached out grabbing a hold of her arm before it was too late. He pulled her back.

“Angel.” She sadly smiled spinning around to see him standing there “I don’t have time.” she said pointing at the skies as the demons from the many dimensions spilled into the earth. Seeing him stand there before her, she wished that time would stop just for a moment.

“You have all the time in the world.” he smiled before leaning into to kiss her once more, pulling her close he deepened the kiss even if a few more demons were to get free he didn’t care, he needed to kiss her for the last time.

Buffy responded instantly, if she was going to die then this was the perfect way to end her life, kissing the only man she loved.

Pulling away he smiled at her “I love you Buffy.” he whispered, tears welling in his eyes.

“I love you too Angel.” she whispered back as her tears fell.

/ “You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to
me.”  /

Angel let her go and pushed her towards her sister, and then with one last glance at his love he ran. “No.” Buffy screamed but it was too late the vampire had leapt off the Tower.

Buffy ran to the edge and watched as it drained him, he was gone, completely gone. She made her way down the tower to find him lying on the rubble. She held hope that maybe he had survived, he was a vampire, and maybe there was a catch. But her worst fears were soon realised when she noticed that he wasn’t moving.

“Angel.” she cried running over to him and kneeling before him. “No Angel no.” she cried laying his head in her lap. Angel lay there with a smile on his lips; he died saving her, just like he wanted to.

“I love you.” She heard his voice whisper to her, but there was no change, he was still gone.

“I love you.” She whispered back, brushing her lips against his, her tears started to fall as Angel slowly turned to dust.

He would be happy now; he went out the only way he ever wanted to, saving the woman he loved. She was the one that deserved to have that long and happy life, so if by giving up his own she got to have it, then it was all worth it.

/ “How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had?  What we could have had?”
”You won't.  No one will know but me.”  /

The next thing he knew he was sitting back in that field, where he was only moments ago leaning against her grave. He screamed out to the heavens the moment he realised what was going on, it was a lie, all a lie, he didn't get to save her, it was the powers playing games with his mind.

“No, bring her back.” he yelled, tears falling down his cheeks, how could they do that how could they take him back to that moment in time, let him save her, only for it to be a lie. He realised that her vision was also gone when previously he had seen her here.

He now knew why, she had come to show him, show him what he needed to see, he needed to feel like he could have saved her, like he could have been her hero. He needed to know that she wasn't angry that he wasn’t that hero. But he couldn’t see it; he couldn’t feel it either, so he slowly turned back around to look at her grave, to beg for her forgiveness.

He was stunned to see the change. The headstone had a different inscription from before, it now read “Angel, a true champion who gave it all up for love.” He smiled, he was dead, it was all true, and he died for her like he wanted.

**********

“Angel’s dead just like you wanted.” Halfrek said walking into Lilah’s office and sitting in the chair across from her.

“So I hear.” Lilah smiled. “So I guess I owe you some money then.” This was what was going to get her exactly where she needed to be, now she would be calling the shots, she had taken out the champion with a simple wish. Fortunately Halfrek was a flexible wish demon and the fact that she wasn’t exactly a woman scorned didn’t matter, she got her wish, Angel was gone forever.

**********

Buffy slowly approached the grave; it had been months since she had been there, she couldn't deal with the fact that he was gone, when it could have been her that died instead.

She hated that she wanted this for him, for his ashes to be buried under the earth, when now she barely ever came to see him. It was just too hard to think that he was gone and no longer a two hour drive away.

Not that she ever really travelled that distance to see him, but still he was there if she ever needed to, but now, he was no where. Or so she thought.

She paused when she noticed him, her Angel sitting by the grave, blinking twice she thought she was seeing things, how could he be sitting there?

The moment he spotted her, he rose to his feet; he could tell she could see him by the look in her eyes.

This was more than he could have hoped for, he died saving her and now they let him see her again, walking towards her frozen still frame, Angel smiled.

/ “I can stay in town as long as you want me.”
“How’s forever? Does forever work for you?” /

Silent tears fell down her cheeks as Angel came to stop merely a meter away. He reached out, he knew he couldn’t touch her, that he was only there in spirit but it was a natural thing for him whenever he was around her. He always needed to feel her near.

Buffy closed her eyes as his hand searched for her face; she would love to feel his tender caress once more. When his hand actually made contact with her soft skin Angel was thrown back, he couldn’t understand it.

Buffy opened her eyes instantly; she couldn’t believe it, was he real? She didn’t wait for an answer instead she threw herself in his arms.

Their lips met in a tender kiss, hands skimming over each other, and tongues mingling and entwining, never wanting to let go.

“I don’t understand.” She whispered pulling away as she tried to regain her breath.

“Me neither. But I think I’m alive.” He said, his thoughts confirmed as he noticed his need for oxygen, and of course the beating of his heart in his chest.

“Alive as in not a vampire……but a real boy?” she knew she was rambling, but she didn’t care, one moment he was gone forever and now he was alive, really alive, she had to get this straight.

“Looks like.” He smiled.

She didn’t know what to say, was this real was her Angel really standing here in front of her telling her he was alive after being dead for months?

“So what do you want to do?” He wasn’t sure where they went from here, he knew what he wanted, a long and happy life with her, but did she want the same thing?

“Well there’s one thing that comes to mind.” She smiled grabbing a hold of his hand and heading for her car, Angel followed instantly hoping that what he was thinking was what she was suggesting.

When he came to Sunnydale what felt like only moments ago to him, he came to mourn his love, not once did he think that he would get the chance to go back and save her and have her as his own once again.

So many things didn’t make sense, like what was it that sent him back to that moment and why? And then of course he guessed that he was human because he had saved the world, so he got his Shanshu.

He wanted to question it though, he needed answers, he didn’t like that he wasn’t in on it all, and he was thinking that maybe a visit to the oracles might be a good idea, but something changed his mind.

Climbing into the back of her car his thoughts were interrupted as she began to remove her clothing. That’s when he realised he didn’t care, he lived, he died, he was back and he had Buffy, all the little details weren’t important. Sometimes love could overcome just about anything, theirs certainly had. 


The End

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