"Shit," Adam swore softly.

He didn’t know how much longer he could put up with this. Every time, every single time he tried to touch Matt, the same thing happened - he pulled away. Adam had tried to be patient, had tried to be understanding, but now he just wasn’t sure that anything he could do would make things better. Anyone looking in from the outside would have thought that Adam was a leper judging from the way that Matt reacted to him. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He certainly didn’t want to force Matt into intimacy, but he also didn’t know how much longer this could last.

He knew that come tomorrow Matt would try to pretend as though nothing had happened, just as he always did, but Adam wasn’t too sure that letting him get away with that was such a good idea anymore. He let out a slow breath and rocked back on his heels as he recounted the night’s events.

They had eaten a nice romantic dinner that he had spent all evening preparing, and after dessert they had taken coffee in the living room. It was there on the couch before the fireplace that Adam had attempted to engage Matt in some gentle sex play, but Matt had been resistant. Anticipating this, Adam had remained persistent until Matt had flown into a full blown panic and jerked away as though he was being attacked.

Adam knew about Matt’s past. He understood that Matt had sustained some horrible trauma and knew that it would take time before he was comfortable enough to trust another person with his body. Adam had been prepared to wait for as long as it took, but now he was starting to wonder if Matt would ever be ready. They had been dating for over a year and a half and they were still where they were when they had first hooked up. Matt could stand to put up with no more than a few kisses and mild gropes. Whenever Adam tried to take it any farther, Matt would pull away. At first Adam had accepted this, thinking to take the pace slowly and advance their intimacy in stages, but this had proven exceptionally difficult when Matt had refused to allow their relationship to go beyond a few platonic embraces.

This was driving Adam insane. He only had to look at Matt to become as hard as a rock. He wanted him ALL the time; it felt like he was going out of his mind. He had taken enough cold showers in the last week alone to last him lifetime. He needed to get laid quick, and this time it wasn’t going to go away.

His only remaining course of action was to have sex. The only problem with that plan was that the only person he wanted, it seemed, was the only person he couldn’t have. He knew the object of his desire lay only a few feet away in the next room.

Deciding there was no time like the present to address the problem, he turned and started making his way to the door. Gradually, he approached the bedroom. When he reached the door, he opened it quietly and spotted Matt lying on the bed, curled away with his back to the entrance. He approached the bed slowly and sat down.

Matt felt the mattress dip under Adam’s weight. He remained still with his back turned. He was nervous and unsure. He knew he had overreacted just now when Adam had tried to make a move, but he couldn’t help it. He was trying really hard, and, to Adam’s credit, he had been really understanding and supportive so far.

But even the most patient man had his limits. Matt was pretty sure that Adam was about to reach his. He tried not to feel too sad, but failed miserably. He knew this day would come, it always did and that was why he didn’t date, but he still couldn’t stem the flow of overwhelming sadness that engulfed him. He was in love with Adam, very deeply so, and he had hoped against hope that their relationship would work. Now, it seemed, that was not to be. Matt knew he was working himself into a panic - before Adam had even said anything - but he couldn’t help it. He felt a fist-sized knot of fear rising in his belly and dreaded what was coming.

Adam, on the other hand, sat motionless at the edge of the bed for several minutes trying to collect his thoughts. He knew that they couldn’t go on as they were: dancing around the issue and pretending as if they didn’t have a problem. Clearing his throat, he mentally steeled himself for what was to come and said in a low voice, "Matt, we need to talk about this."

Fearing that his worst thoughts had come to life, Matt couldn’t stop the moisture that came to his eyes as he slowly rolled on to his back to face his boyfriend. In a voice filled with sadness, he replied tightly, "Okay," and then proceeded to wait for the bad news.

It always happened this way. When guys first met him, they always assumed that given a little time and unrelenting pursuit, he would eventually break and they would get him into bed. After about three months, most men accepted defeat and moved on, but not Adam. That was one of the reasons that what was about to happen hurt so much. Whenever Matt had thought he would leave, Adam had stayed on - solid and steady. He hadn’t given up on him and in the months that followed Matt had come to start believing that their relationship might actually last and that they might have future.

Adam was very sexually aggressive. Given that he was over 6’4 and weighed almost 300lbs he could have easily physically overpowered Matt at any time. He was all muscle. Adam was built like a linebacker, whereas Matt was only 5’9 and weighed about a 150lbs less than him. It didn’t scare Matt though, because he knew that Adam was more likely to seduce than force. Instead of being scared he was aroused. Despite this arousal, however, he was still unable to respond when Adam touched him.

Looking Matt steadily in the eye, Adam said, "I know I said I wouldn’t rush you. I told you that if you weren’t comfortable having sex that it was okay and we could wait as long as you wanted - I still maintain that. But I’m a little concerned with the fact that we’ve been dating for over a year and a half and you still freak out every time I make like I’m going to touch you." Adam stopped, took a deep breath and forged on. He knew what he had to say next would be the most difficult, but he was tired of dancing around in
circles and knew he had to ask. "Every time I try, you barely even let me kiss you. I’ve been trying to hold off and not pressure you, but now I’m starting to wonder if you even want me."

There, he had said it. For some time now, Adam had been plagued by the disturbing thought that Matt might not find him sexually attractive. For the longest time he had assumed that it was because Matt had been hurt before and that that was why he was uneasy about their physical intimacy. But as time had passed and Matt had still refused, Adam had begun wondering if he was wrong.

It wasn’t that he was an unattractive guy. He had very dark brown hair and very moody gray eyes. He had dated a lot of men and had no doubt of his own appeal, he just wasn’t sure if he was what Matt wanted or liked. From day one in their relationship, Adam had been very frustrated. All he could think about was getting Matt naked and panting beneath him, and yet it never appeared as though Matt felt the same. He had thought of many excuses over the nineteen months they had been dating to explain Matt’s behavior. He felt it was finally time to accept that Matt didn’t want to be with him. He had no doubt that Matt was interested in him romantically, he was sure that Matt wanted to be his boyfriend. He just wasn’t so sure that Matt wanted to sleep with him.

They got along well together. They understood one another and shared an amazing sense of humor. He knew that Matt liked him, he just wasn’t sure if Matt desired him, and from the looks of things it would seem that he didn’t. He was pretty sure Matt found him intellectually stimulating, but not physically so, and he went through a great deal to ensure their bodily distance.

Adam remembered an incident that had occurred about a month ago when he had tried to initiate some love play in bed one night. Adam always slept naked and when he had pressed his body up against Matt’s and began to kiss his neck, Matt had wrenched away as though Adam had set his back on fire. After that Adam had started noticing certain things, like how Matt NEVER initiated anything between them, and how Matt’s body always stiffened when Adam came close. Whenever Adam tried to initiate things Matt reacted as though all the demons in hell were after him and ran as fast as he could.

All these things had led Adam to conclude that, a) he and Matt were not going to have sex any time soon, and b) Matt did not enjoy his touch, either because he was afraid, which Adam seriously doubted, or because he didn’t find Adam’s attempts at seduction pleasurable.

Adam was sure it was the latter, and having now voiced this he sat in painful anticipation waiting for Matt’s reply. He had expected an immediate denial and when he hadn’t received one, he felt a sinking weight settle in his chest. Adam interpreted his silence as accord. So it was true, Matt didn’t want him. Adam didn’t know how to react to that. He felt stupid for not realizing it sooner. No wonder Matt had always gone into a panic at the thought of his advances. He was almost twice Matt’s size, and Matt wasn’t turned on by him. It wouldn’t take a genius to do the math.

Now sitting there on the bed, he desperately wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. Shifting a little, he looked down at his hands. He was surprised to feel his eyes stinging with tears. He never cried. This was strange, what does one do after discovering that their boyfriend of nineteen months wasn’t sexually attracted to them?

Just as he was about to make some excuse and escape to the bathroom, Matt said softly, "It’s not that, Adam."

It was said with such sincerity that Adam felt some hope sprout in his chest. Getting up some nerve, Adam looked Matt in the eyes and asked, "Then what is it?"

Instead of answering, Matt reached out and touched the side of Adam’s face. This was the first time he had ever initiated contact. Just as that fact was registering to Adam, Matt leaned up and pressed his lips to Adams. At first Adam was too stunned to respond and then he felt Matt’s tongue pushing against his lips. Allowing his mouth to slide to open, he felt Matt’s tongue slip inside his mouth and begin to rub erotically against his own.

The kiss was hot, wet and very, very thorough. Their tongues merged and stroked. Before he knew what happened, he was breathing hard and struggling to unbutton his shirt while simultaneously pushing Matt back on the mattress. Vaguely he felt Matt push against his chest with the flat of his palms and somewhere in the back of his head he was aware of him saying ‘no’. But Adam was beyond listening and he was certainly beyond stopping, it was as though the beast inside of him had been set free and he continued to ravage Matt’s mouth.

Meanwhile, Matt, who had only wanted to reassure Adam, lay struggling beneath him. Growing desperate and frightened of the situation that was rapidly slipping out of control, Matt did the only thing he could and bit down hard on Adam’s lip. Adam, who was totally unprepared for the oral assault, let out a surprised yelp of pain and jerked backwards. Using this opportunity to escape, Matt sprang free of Adams embrace and jumped off the bed. Adam, nursing his bruised lip, glanced up at Matt and said, "Why did you do that?"

Breathing hard and pacing back and forth, Matt wrapped his arms around his middle and said, "I kissed you because I wanted to show you that I do want you. You turn me on so much that I can barely think when I’m around you and that scares the hell out of me because I know that we would lose control and I’m not ready for that." Pausing, Matt looked at Adam’s lip and grimaced when he saw traces of red. "I’m sorry I hurt your lip, but you got so carried away and I was asking you to stop but you didn’t …" Matt trailed off when he saw Adam’s eyes widen and his lips turn down in a frown.
Trying again, he said, "Adam, you’re so much stronger than me, and although I love your body for that, a lot of the time your size scares me." Pausing again, Matt swallowed past the lump in his throat and continued. "I know how easy it is to get carried away, that’s why I’m always a little reserved when we make out. It’s not that I don’t want to kiss you and touch you, it’s just that I don’t want it to go beyond that and I know that once we go a little further things will get out of hand."

After Matt was through, Adam stayed quiet for the longest time before he finally responded. "You’re right. I have been … pushing." He made the admission sadly.
He had realized during Matt’s speech that he had been forcing Matt, and that that had made Matt wary and uncomfortable around him. He felt bad. He wanted to tell Matt that it was his frustration at going more than a year and a half without sex that had made him so forceful. But he didn’t, instead he said, "We’re supposed to be doing this at your pace, not mine and from now on I’ll remember that." Having said that, he got up and went into the bathroom.

Standing by the bed and watching Adam’s retreating form, Matt felt a pang of regret. He wasn’t sure how much longer their relationship would last at the rate it was going. When he had first met Adam, Adam had chased him relentlessly. He had tried his best to dissuade him and protect his heart, but he had been won over by Adam’s charm and determination. Against his better judgment, he had consented to a tentative relationship and their romance had begun. At first, Adam had been very considerate, saying that sex was purely up to Matt. That he would wait as long as Matt wanted, and that he didn’t care as long as he was with him.

After a year passed and their relationship remained sexless, things began to change. Adam became more insistent as Matt became more resistant. Their relationship stayed rife with tension. With the passage of time came Adam’s increasing confusion and Matt’s increasing worry. It reached the point where it seemed as though Adam was trying to get Matt naked at every turn and Matt started avoiding him. He didn’t want to start blaming Adam for the disintegration of their love life, or lack thereof, but he was beginning to dread their alone time.

Absent mindedly, he began to rub the protruding bulge of scar tissue on his right shoulder with his left hand. He always experienced a painful knotting pressure there whenever he was tense. He had had the scars so long that he was not overly bothered by them any more. He was still wary of exposing his naked body to other people, but it was mostly his emotional scars that held him back. He slowly expelled his breath. It had been six years since the ‘incident’ but he still felt as though it had all happened yesterday.

Matt loved Adam, and he was still in shock after finding out that Adam thought that he wasn’t attracted to him. He had to concede that it might appear that way because of his constant refusals, but it wasn’t that. After the ‘incident’ he had experienced the natural fear and withdrawal that came with the thought of physical intimacy, but after years of counseling and therapy he was over that. Well, almost. What held him back now was inexplicable. He couldn’t seem to allow himself to cross the final threshold of lovemaking. At the slightest hint of sex he would freak out and shut down.

He was at peace with his homosexuality and at peace with his flawed body. The last hurdle would be letting someone else touch him. He wanted to be loved. He wanted to be touched. He wanted to be licked and sucked and fucked. He just hoped that his desire could override his fear. If there was one thing that he had learned in his years of counseling it was that one had to work towards overcoming fears. He was never going to stop tripping over sex if he never even tried. And just like that, understanding struck.

That was it! If you get thrown off a horse, the best thing to do is get right back on again. He would stop running away from Adam’s advances and try to welcome them instead. Having decided this he was suddenly feeling a lot better. As soon as Adam cooled down he would discuss it with him and they could figure out how to do it.

*****

Adam was tempted to remain in the bathroom for the rest of the night, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to get away with that. He would have to emerge sooner or later and face his boyfriend. He turned on the faucet, then leaned over the sink and splashed some water on his face. He rested his elbows on the sink and took a few deep breaths; the water felt cool and soothing on his hot face. When he was finished he turned off the tap and then reached over grabbed one of the towels on the rail and used it to mop his face dry. When he was done, he re-hung the towel and continued to stare at his reflection. So, Matt’s lack of response wasn’t due to attraction, but instead apprehension. Strangely enough, that didn’t really make him feel any better.

Matt’s words kept playing over and over in his head and each time he heard them he felt more and more like a dick. And the only thing he could say in his defense was that he was horny. How lame was that? He felt as though he had given Matt an impossible ultimatum: sleep with him or lose him. That made him feel horrible, and even though he hadn’t intended it that way, that’s what it had become. He didn’t want to lose Matt or end their relationship, but he was realistic enough to realize that that’s what would happen if they continued as they were. Eventually staying with Matt and remaining celibate at the same time would become out of the question for Adam.

The mere thought of that made Adam physically sick. He loved Matt so much that it hurt. He would do whatever was in his power to make their relationship last. And if that meant backing off, then so be it. In fact, from now on he wouldn’t make any moves toward Matt unless he specifically requested them, which translated into never. But, that was okay with Adam. He would keep his distance and hold onto his patience. After all, they say that good things came to those who waited.

Feeling marginally better and refreshed, Adam hit the lights and exited the bathroom. When he entered the bedroom he saw that Matt was already in bed. He felt his groin tighten reflexively. Matt offered him a tentative smile, which he tried to return, but he was unsuccessful. Clearing his throat slowly, he approached the bed, "Matt," he said, "We really need to talk."

Matt had been dreading this. He suspected that Adam was probably under the impression that he possessed lower sex drive than him, and it was making him crazy. He knew that Adam enjoyed sex very much, and he didn’t want him to feel that his needs were not being met. It took a lot for Matt to admit his fears about sex, his reluctance to make love. At the moment, Adam’s sexual appetite was a lot stronger than his own, and sometimes - more often than not - it left Adam feeling sexually frustrated. In the past, Matt had considered offering to satisfy Adam manually every once in a while without having an orgasm himself, but he had never had the nerve to go through with it.

Swallowing hard, Matt croaked, "Okay."
Adam came over to the side of the bed and sat down before he said, "I don’t mean to push you. And I don’t mean to hurt you, but we can’t go on like this." Matt knew exactly what Adam was talking about and had a feeling he knew exactly where the conversation was headed, but decided to keep silent until Adam was done.

"We’ve been together nineteen months," Adam stressed the words as he continued, "and you still flinch every time I come close to your body." Pausing, he looked Matt right in the eye and said, "we can’t go on like this." Matt stopped breathing. Was Adam going to break up with him? He wasn’t sure if he understood what Adam was trying to say, but he felt his body tightening and getting ready to steel itself for the rejection that was about to come.

"I need you communicate how you’re feeling," Adam said, "And you need to let me touch you."

Matt let out a relieved sigh when he realized that Adam wasn’t ending their relationship then and there, but his relief didn’t last long. Matt didn’t know how else to express his reluctance to Adam. So far in their relationship, they hadn’t made love and Matt knew that Adam’s sexual needs were not being met. Only, he couldn’t help the fact that he wasn’t able to engage in sex with him the way he wanted. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Matt said, "I’m trying. I want to be with you that way, but it’s not easy for me to do all the things you want me to."

It wasn’t the response Adam wanted, but it would have to do for tonight. He was sexually frustrated and tense and starting a fight with his partner while he was feeling this way was not a good idea. He had lost control once already and he didn’t want a repeat performance. Maybe it would be better if he slept on the couch for the night. Releasing his breath, Adam nodded his silent understanding and made to get up, but Matt reached out and placed his hand on Adam’s arm, temporarily halting his movements. Adam turned back to look at him.

Both men stared at each other silently for a moment before Matt said, "Come to bed." Again Adam felt a tightening in his crotch but he silently told himself to calm down. Matt meant ‘come to sleep’ not do other things. He rose from the bed and quickly made his way to the dresser where he pulled out the drawer and selected a pair of pajama bottoms and then headed back to the bathroom. They needed distance tonight and the last thing Adam wanted was for Matt to feel as though he was forcing his needs on him.

Matt watched in confusion as the bathroom door shut. First of all, Adam always slept naked so Matt was shocked to discover that he even owned pajamas. Secondly, Adam had never been shy about his body so Matt was a little surprised that he was changing in the bathroom. He felt a little twinge of regret at the thought that he had probably made Adam uncomfortable and that was why he was opting for a change in habit.

Just as that thought ended, Adam reemerged from the bathroom and headed toward the bed. Matt felt a little jump of excitement as he gazed at Adam’s beautiful naked torso and muscular arms. He couldn’t wait to be held in those arms. That thought came as surprise as Matt realized how true it was. He didn’t feel the least bit afraid, only eager. However, he was in for a disappointment because as soon as Adam reached the bed he turned down the covers, climbed in, said goodnight and then settled in, facing away from Matt.

Feeling perplexed, Matt also said goodnight, switched off the lamp and sank down into the sheets. He lay on his back feeling a little stunned. Adam hadn’t tried to touch him. He hadn’t kissed him or taken him into his arms and Matt felt … odd, bereft. He guessed that after all the night’s high emotions Adam might be feeling drained and only wanted to rest. Looking over to his left, he watched Adam’s broad back slowing rising up and down and judged him to already be asleep. That assuaged some of his confusion. Tomorrow he would tell Adam about his decision and their relationship would start moving in a new direction.