Unfortunately, the next day Adam behaved just as he had the night before. He awoke, said good morning to Matt then went over to the closet where he picked out his clothes after which he headed straight for the shower. The rest of the day passed in the same fashion and it set the tone for the rest of the week.

Adam was always friendly and polite, but he always made certain that they never made any physical contact. At first Matt had thought it was just coincidence, but then he started noticing how Adam was careful to maintain a certain distance between them whenever they were in the same room. He never got too close, and even when Matt tried to approach him he moved away.

Not sure what to make of Adam’s new attitude Matt had tried to subtly get closer and that had resulted in the two of them rarely being in the same room at the same time any more. If Matt came into the kitchen then Adam went to the bedroom and if Matt went to the bedroom then Adam went to the living room. If it wasn’t for Adam’s perpetual pleasantness, Matt might have suspected something was wrong, but he appeared to be as happy as ever and whenever Matt tried to finish their conversation from the other night, Adam would quickly change the subject or suddenly remember an errand he forgot to run.

About a week after their initial confrontation, Matt finally managed to get Adam alone long enough to tell him his decision. He was nervous and anxious but determined. He was sure about their love and was willing to make whatever sacrifices were necessary in order to ensure the success of their relationship. And if that meant confronting his demons and pushing his comfort levels then so be it. The way Matt saw it, it was about time he stopped being afraid of his sexual desires. Having made up his mind, Matt cornered Adam in the bedroom and sat him down to tell him what he had decided. Throughout Matt’s entire speech, Adam was silent, and at the end all he did was nod his assent and then head for the bathroom. He didn’t say anything in response.

His reaction left Matt feeling even more puzzled, he’d thought Adam would be ecstatic and excited, but instead he had appeared unenthusiastic. Matt truly did not know what to make of all this. He felt as though Adam was somehow pulling away from him and he didn’t know how to stop it. Adam had been acting strangely all week and on the one occasion where Matt had asked him if everything was all right, he had said that it was. Matt guessed he would have to take his word for it.

In the bathroom, Adam sat on the toilet seat with the lid down and his head in his hands. In the last week, the bathroom had become his adopted makeshift sanctuary. He had been working very hard to keep his hands off Matt, but keeping his distance had been difficult. As far as Matt was concerned, it was like trying to fight gravity. It was impossible.

Some nights, whenever Matt had been an especially loving mood, Adam had had to escape to the bathroom more that once to try and get his hormones under control. It was embarrassing, but sometimes all Matt needed to do was smile at Adam and he would be sporting wood. And going all these months without sex had made him especially susceptible to the gut-wrenching arousal that Matt’s presence often caused him.

And now he was faced with a new dilemma that was going to be testing the limits of his nobility. Even now, he was still in a state of partial shock over Matt’s unexpected announcement. Matt wanted to try and get more intimate with him. After a year and seven months of asking, begging, pleading and trying at every turn to seduce, Matt had finally acquiesced; the only problem was that Adam didn’t believe him.

He didn’t think Matt really wanted this. His guess was that Matt was probably doing it to make him happy. That was one of the reasons he loved Matt so much. He had a huge heart and was constantly putting other people’s needs before his own. Matt probably thought that he would have to do this or Adam would leave him. He would have to redouble his efforts at keeping his distance to show him that he was willing to give Matt the space that he needed. He wasn’t going to pressure him. Adam could control his libido and he was going to show Matt that they could continue to date and he would not lose his control.

When Adam came back into the living room Matt asked eagerly, "So when do you think we should start? I kinda wanted to begin tonight if that’s okay with you." After finally coming to the conclusion that he wanted to experiment and explore sex with Adam, Matt could hardly wait. The physical distance between them over the past week had been frustrating and he couldn’t wait to get his hands on Adam’s gorgeous body.

"Ahh, well," Adam hedged, "I sorta have a headache tonight so maybe we
could start tomorrow night, okay?"

"Okay," Matt replied, trying and almost failing to hide his disappointment. "Why don’t you go lie down for a while?"

Looking down at his watch Adam said, "Actually, I think I’m just going to head off to my place tonight."

This time Matt couldn’t stop the frown that appeared on his face. He and Adam had separate apartments, but about six months ago they had both begun spending every night together at each other’s places. Since then, they had spent every night in the same bed. And now Adam wanted to leave and spend the night alone. Matt was worried. Something was definitely wrong.

Rising off the couch, Matt approached Adam as he was grabbing his jacket and said, "Is everything okay?"

Shrugging on his jacket, Adam said, "Yeah sure."

Moving closer, Matt noticed that as he neared, Adam retreated and moved further away from him. He came to stop as a thought entered his head and felt as though a stone had been dropped into the pit of his stomach. Maybe Adam was no longer interested in him and was now looking for a way out. That would explain why he wasn’t eager to get intimate. Had Matt waited too long and somehow pushed Adam away? After having Matt refuse him for so long, maybe Adam had gotten tired and started looking elsewhere.

"Uhhh okay," Matt stammered out. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No that’s okay," Adam responded as he reached for the door. "I’ll see you
tomorrow."

And with that he left. He hadn’t kissed Matt goodbye and he’d always kissed Matt goodbye before. Matt stood in the middle of his living room feeling an acute sense of panic and an almost overwhelming need to run after him. He almost did just that before he came to his senses. He knew what he would do. He would give Adam a day or two think about what he had said and get used to the idea before doing anything else.

*****

Three days later Matt was anxious, impatient and just the teensiest bit apprehensive. He had been trying to get a hold of Adam for two days now and had been unsuccessful. He’d left countless messages on his machine, none of which Adam had returned. He was no longer sure that giving Adam "space" had been such a good idea after all. Gritting his teeth in resolve, Matt put together an overnight bag and headed over to Adam’s apartment.

Once Adam opened the door, Matt started into him. He pushed his way into the apartment, threw his carry on to the floor and turned to face his errant boyfriend.

"Why have you been avoiding me?" he asked.

"I haven’t been avoiding you." Adam responded.

"Bullshit!" Matt yelled. Adam was stunned; he had never heard Matt raise his voice before. Matt never lost his temper.

"I just thought that it might be good if we spent some time apart," he said slowly.

"Why?" Matt asked, his frustration and confusion evident.

Adam sighed. How did he explain this? Taking a deep breath he decided to try and make sense of all that he was feeling.

"Listen, Matt," he began, "With everything that’s been happening lately I just felt like it would be best for us if we took a little time off."

The look on Matt’s face was one of pure devastation. His voice broke as he asked, "So that’s it then? We’re done? Over?" he couldn’t look Adam in the eyes.

Adam pushed off of the wall that he had been leaning on and said, "No, Matt. Look, it’s just … just … ," he broke off. "The truth is that I don’t know what to do any more. I don’t want you to feel as though you have to sleep with me to keep me. It tears me up inside to think that you’re actually afraid of me sometimes. You’re afraid to let me come close and afraid to let me touch you. After we talked that night and you told me how you really felt, I decided that I would give you all the space and time you needed and let you come to me whenever you were ready." Adam paused in his speech to glance at Matt who sat looking stunned on the edge of the sofa.

"And then a couple of days later you were telling me that you were ready to start trying to take things further and I knew that you were only just saying that to try and make me happy." When Adam finished he looked over at Matt and waited for him to offer his denials, Matt’s response wasn’t what he had been expecting.

"I do want to make you happy," Matt said, "because making you happy makes me happy. And I’m not afraid of you, I’m afraid of sex. I love you. I want to be as close to you as I possibly can." As Matt spoke he slowly began making his way towards where Adam was standing. When he reached him, he paused and stood right before his boyfriend, looking into his eyes. Then he placed his right hand on his chest and used his other hand to reach up and slide his fingers through the hair at the nape of Adam’s neck. He slowly rose onto his toes and pulled Adam’s head down until their lips met. The feeling was electric.

Adam stood stiff and tense, but Matt wouldn’t let that deter him. He started out slowly, licking along the seam of Adam’s mouth and gently nipping his lips. After a few moments, Adam was powerless to resist and parted his lips. Matt then unleashed his full passion, letting Adam feel his hunger. He shoved his tongue into Adam’s mouth and began sucking his face. He could tell that Adam was completely taken aback, but Matt just made a fist in his shirt and tightened his hold around his neck.

Adam, on the other hand, was shocked by Matt’s blatant display of raw sexuality and remained mostly still. This kind of sex play usually scared Matt silly, but now he was the aggressor. The kiss went on and on and was rife with unrepressed lust. When they finally pulled apart, Adam leaned down so they rested their foreheads against each other as they tried to get their bearings. Just as he was about to say something, Adam spotted the overnight bag that Matt had tossed in the corner and his pulse quickened all over again.

Gasping, Adam asked, "What’s with the bag?"

Grinning, Matt replied, "I thought we might have a sleep over." Adam took in a shuddering breath and placed his arms around Matt’s waist drawing him close.

"Are you sure?" he asked quietly while gazing intently into Matt’s eyes. To his amazement Matt just smiled a small seductive smile and nodded.

Retaining eye contact, Adam slowly slid his hands up from Matt’s waist and brought them over his back. He felt the ridges of Matt’s scar tissue through his light cotton t-shirt. Matt stiffened but then forced himself to relax and accept Adam’s caress. Gently, Adam stroked up and down Matt’s back in a soothing and undemanding motion. After a few minutes of this coupled with a comfortable silence, Adam reached for the hem of Matt’s shirt and began to draw it up. It was then that Matt grabbed hold of Adam’s forearms to halt his shirt’s ascent and said in a slightly panicked tone, "Wait."

Adam paused and could see the nervousness is Matt’s eyes. "Shhh," he said, then leaned down and began nibbling Matt’s ear as he continued to raise his shirt. He broke the contact only briefly to fully remove the piece of clothing and then promptly resumed his nibbling. With Matt’s shirt out of the way, Adam could now run his hands over Matt’s skin unimpeded. He took his time slowly learning the feel of the damaged flesh.

He had only ever seen Matt’s back once one morning when he had entered the bathroom just as Matt had been exiting the shower. It had been early in their relationship and after seeing the scars he had been shocked and concerned while Matt had been embarrassed and ashamed. Adam had rushed over asking Matt what had happened while Matt had hurried to conceal his body. Afterwards, when Matt had been properly dressed, they had sat down and Matt had told him how he had been hurt.

Adam had been furious at what had happened to Matt and had wished that his lowlife step dad were still alive just so Adam could kill him all over again for what he did to Matt. Before that day, he had only known bits and pieces of Matt’s troubled past. Now he understood Matt’s fear of intimacy and insecurity over his body.

Just then Matt said, "Adam, please … don’t …" and he tried to turn away and escape from Adam’s arms.

"It’s okay, just relax. I want to touch you." Adam reassured him.

"But it’s disgusting. I’m disgusting." Adam could hear the tears in Matt’s voice. He tightened his hold as Matt tried to withdraw again.

"You’re perfect." Adam said. And to prove his point, he leaned down and pressed his mouth to one of the corded ridges protruding just off Matt’s right shoulder. Matt shuddered violently at the contact and tried to twist his head to dislodge Adams mouth. Not one to be easily discouraged, Adam simply opened his mouth and used his tongue to lick along the top of the scar.

Matt’s hands clenched on Adam’s arms and he quickly sucked in a breath. Adam’s tongue was pure exquisite pleasure, but Matt didn’t want Adam to see or feel that damaged part of his body. He was afraid that Adam would be turned off, or worse yet, repulsed. Throughout their entire relationship he had made sure to never expose this part of himself to possible examination, and except for that one day in the bathroom Adam had had no opportunity to see the extent of the devastation on his body.

He had hoped that he would be able to show it to him slowly so as not to frighten him. The only people that had ever seen him unclothed had been doctors and other medical professionals and they had always viewed him with abject interest. He had no idea how a lover would react. Bracing himself for the worst, Matt gathered his courage and looked at Adam. Instead of the revulsion he expected, Adam’s gaze greeted him with love and caring in their depths.

Beyond that, however, he could see intense, unadulterated lust burning in Adam’s eyes as he refocused his attention on Matt’s shoulder. Swallowing a little anxiously, Matt began noticing other things too. Like Adam’s erection, hot and hard and heavy pressing up against his abdomen. And how whereas Adam’s left hand rested on his back, his right hand was now cupping Matt’s ass and squeezing periodically.

Matt also noticed that his nipples were now hard and that his breathing had increased under Adam’s unrelenting ministrations. He could feel his own genitals hardening and drawing tight. Fearing that he would humiliate himself if Adam continued, he began to push his palms insistently against Adam’s chest.

Adam stopped licking and looked at Matt who gasped out, "Please … stop … I need …."

Adam, understanding what Matt was trying to say, immediately grabbed hold of Matt’s hand and started leading him towards the bedroom.

*****

When Adam had woken up that morning, miserable after spending another night alone in his cold bed without Matt, he’d had no idea that he would be ending the night with his hot boyfriend in his arms. The blood that was rushing to Adam’s head was pounding so hard that he could barely hear himself think. After going a year and a half without sex and spending the last week miserable and horny without Matt, Adam felt ready to combust.

Like a savage, he wanted to grab Matt and do everything to him at once. He knew how crucial it was that he hold on to his control for Matt’s first sexual experience. He had been through so much already and Adam would rather cut off his own arm than add to his pain.

The problem was that Matt was so fucking sexy and Adam had wanted him for so long. It was like a child who had been denied candy for so long finally being given the keys to a candy store. Adam looked down at Matt, with his lips slightly puffy and red from his rough kisses and his cheeks flushed. His tight little nipples stood out stiff and erect. Adam wanted to latch his mouth onto one of the little beads and suck to his heart’s content.

Looking at Matt’s torso, Adam felt his penis pushing painfully against its denim prison. Matt had an amazing body. His chest was well-defined and hairless and Adam couldn’t wait until he had him naked. He had to resist the urge to push Matt to the floor and hump the shit out of him.

As they made their way to the back of the apartment, Matt’s thoughts were also racing. He had spent so many years setting up boundaries that he was fairly overwhelmed by what was happening. Even though he was scared, he was also very eager. He was finally going to take that final step with Adam. He couldn’t think of anyone else he wanted to have this first time with.

They were approaching the door to Adam’s bedroom and Matt’s heart was pounding. When they reached the door and Adam led him inside, Matt knew that it was now or never.