February 21st, 2000 @ 11:12 PM PST

Well, this is my first journal entry, so I'm going to do a little explaining about who I am, and how I came to understand myself. First of all, coming out to some of my friends has been a really difficult thing for me to do. I was able to write down my thoughts and feelings into a coming out post on a public forum which I have been active on for almost 5 years, but as soon as I had to (or atleast decided to) tell people that I know personally, know socially, then it became a very difficult thing for me to do. I'm not a shy person, but for some reason, this has been a really difficult thing for me to admit to. As is stands right now, only a select group of my friends know, and I'm planning on keeping it that way, atleast until I'm more comfortable with it myself.

I don't quite understand why this has been such a difficult thing for me, I have never had a problem with the lifestyle itself, as I have some very good friends who are homosexual, but the instant it becomes ME who is bisexual, everything changes. Why was it OK for my friends, but not for me? My gay friends didn't seem any less happy than my straight friends, some are in long term relationships, others are not. Their sexual orientation doesn't matter to them, it doesn't matter to me, yet MY sexual orientation matters. Why is that? I don't really understand this yet, but I'm trying to.

My coming out post was one of the most difficult things for me to do. It wasn't hard to write, because the feelings, the thoughts, the realisation was all there, but the acceptance was not. As I was writing, I basically had to accept myself as I am and accept things as they are. Until I wrote the message, it was still a concept in my mind that I could just push away, but the instant I wrote the words "I'm bisexual" there was no going back. I could have deleted the message, I could have left a big happy face at the bottom of the post and said "just kidding", but I didn't, and it wouldn't have mattered. The words were said/typed, and there was no going back. It went from an abstract idea to a concrete way of life in a fraction of a second. I couldn't deny it any longer, and I didn't want to live a lie. Coming out to myself was a really hard thing to do, and coming out to others is going to be even harder, but it will have to happen, I can't live a lie anymore, but can I live with the truth? I think I can, I hope I can. With that, there really isn't much else to say except I hope that you can accept me, because if I can accept myself, then you should be able to do the same.

Well, I suppose I've written as much as I can tonight. I hope this gives you a little insight into who I am. Oh, and if you'd like to read my coming out post and some of the responces, you can do so here.

February 23rd, 2000 @ 9:25 PM PST

First of all, I would like to thank you guys for all the support you have given me. As you know (my "real life" friends) I've been rather exclusive with who I give the address to. I've either given you a long lecture about how I don't want you to reveal any of this to anyone, because I haven't told them yet, or don't plan to tell them, and I really appreciate that you've done as I've asked. To my forum friends.. what can I say but thank you! If you're here reading this right now you've seen the post which originated this webpage, and you've probably responded to it, either by sending me an e-mail or by responding on the forum. You've been a real help to me these last few days, and if I ever leave the forum (fat chance) I'll always remember you.

So, what's been going on these last few days? Not too much. I've been working pretty hard.. got called in last night to cover for someone, then worked again today. Really exciting I know.. Tonight I'm trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to do a Psych project, do a Theatre History project AND study for a Roman Studies midterm.. EEP! Oh well, atleast I know who Caligula, Nero and Sparticus are..

Anyway, I'm about to add some more stuff to my page (to the detriment of my studies.. yet again).. some pretty wierd stuff actually. So stick around.. it's going to be an interesting journey.

Thanks again.

February 24th, 2000 Written @: 12:03 PM PST, Posted @: 6:11 PM PST

It’s funny, like everything that’s happened lately things are one way one minute, and as soon as the words “I’m gay” are uttered, everything changes.

A friend is no longer a friend, or was he even one to being with? I mean how do you go from one minute being really good friends with someone to the next, of having them wanting nothing to do with you over something as unimportant and irrelevant as sexuality? I told myself that it wouldn’t bother me if someone did that, I told myself that it SHOULDN’T bother me, but you know what? It does. I take my friendships seriously, and now, even with all the support I’ve received and am receiving, I am now wondering, are people my friends because of who I am, or because of what I told them I was. Would I be friends with them had I been out before I met them?

This then carries out into my coming out to my family. Will they accept me for who and what I am, or will they turn their back on me like my so-called friend? I think I know the answer to that, but right now, I don’t want to take any chances. I’ve taken a lot recently, and I don’t want to take any more.. at least not for a while.

So guys, that’s what’s up today...