Sunday, July 2nd, 2000 @ 11:50 PM PST
I need something.. I don't often ask for help, but I need help.. I need to know that I've made the right decision.. This just isn't working for me.. I'm gay, but I don't like it.. I need someone to prove to me that gay people CAN and DO have commited relationships, where there is more to them than sex, because so far, all I see is a whorish culture and I don't like it!
That guy from last Saturday night, he was hot.. but for some reason, I hardly think that he was interested in a relationship, he was most likely interested in sex, and that's why he was downtown.. Am I stereotyping? Damn right I am, because everywhere I go, the stereotypes are just slapping me in the face and I REALLY don't like it.
I don't even know WHY I want a commited relationship.. but for some reason, I do.. it just seems right for me.. and that's what all this is about isn't it? Doing what's right for me.. well what's right for me doesn't seem to be right for ANYONE else..
Am I looking at this whole thing completely wrong, and all that I am doing is placing a straight world view on the gay world? Is that wrong? Am I wrong for thinking that a straight relationship and a gay relationship are fundamentally the same, except for the fact that it's 2 guys or 2 girls and not a guy and a girl? Is that completely fucked up thinking? Should I just resign myself to a life of multiple sex partners and just give up on thinking that I could live some sort of a normal life.. I just don't get it anymore.. I want something I can't have, I am something I don't want to be, and I'm never going to be happy being who I am, because who I am doesn't seem to fit into the "culture".
Am I wrong? SOMEONE, PLEASE prove me wrong!
Tuesday, July 11th, 2000 @ 4:33 PM PST
Well, it's been a while again.. I've just been so damn busy these last few days that I honestly haven't had time to write.
OK.. First of all, THANK YOU to the people who left me e-mail regarding my little depressive rant a couple of nights (I guess more like a week) ago.. I'm going to respond to that later.. because right now intelligent writing is NOT going to happen.. as I will explain in a second.
I got a job in a theatre.. It's volunteer so I'm keeping my other job.. BAH! Anyway, last night was our (the stage crew) first REAL rehearsal.. I'm working as stage crew, but the Assistant Stage Manager (ASM) is REALLY looking to get me to be ASM for a lot of the shows.. which is fine by me.. I'd rather be ASM anyway.
Last night one of the crew members and myself were changing a scene, we were carrying a big wooden boat.. I had the big end, he had the small end. I lifted the boat above a set piece which we were trying to get around, and he turned the boat on it's side while I had it raised above my head.. The boat fell out of my hands, I fell backward onto a set piece and the boat fell on top of me.. Did he come to help me? Noooo! He ran off stage and out the back door.. So there I was with a big wooden boat crushing my chest and one of the other crew members had to help take it off.. Quite painful.. I'm glad the set piece I fell onto wasn't pointy.. So now I have a farked up wrist, a farked up index finger (on the other hand) and a farked up back and a farked up leg! ARG! I should be ok by tommorow.. I REALLY hope he doesn't show up again, because I will throw him down off the stage if he does.. and I wouldn't be the only one who wants to do that..
Before I finsih talking about my theatre job I must mention that I met a REALLY cute guy.. and I know he's gay (call it gaydar or the fact that he's pretty damn obvious:).. and apparently he's been checking me out for the last two days.. so.. we'll see.. <grin>
On Wednesday, my dads g/f and I drove to Kamloops (it's about 6 hours outside of Vancouver) to get a puppy.. So now I have a puppy.. hehe.. It's a Great Dane.. he's going to be HUGE.. I like them though. A friend of mine had one for almost 13 years, which is pretty much as long as I've known him, so big dogs don't really scare me..
Ssaturday night after work I had a date.. no biggy.. went for coffee.. we'll see how far that goes.. I like him.. but I like the guy that I'm working with also.. Hah! How did this happen?
Oh, and I'm going to Vegas on Sunday.. I'm looking forward to that.. It's been a while since I've gone away.. So I wont be back until Thursday the 20th..
Saturday, July 15th 2000 @ 11:51 PM PST
I'm absolutely exhausted, so a vacation couldn't have come at a better time.. I'm going to Vegas in the morning, and I am certainly looking forward to it. I'm going to visit my Great Aunt, who I haven't seen in a couple of years, see Circ de Soleil (is that how you spell it?), check out the Hotels, avoid the damn Casino's (cuz I'm underage:), you know.. fun stuff..:)
Anyway, I found out the cute guy is cute for a reason.. he's a pre-pubecant boy.. (he's 16), so uhm.. yeah.. not gonna happen.. I don't need some parent thinking I'm some kind of pedophile.. Too bad, he was cute.. Oh well, NEXT..
Anyway, I AM the ASM of the show now, which kicks ass.. because it's something I haven't done yet and so far I'm doing an EXCELLENT job. Can't wait to get back to Vancouver so that I can get back to my little theatre job.. :)
Anyway, I'm going to pack now.. and then head off the bed. I've gotta be up early..
Back on Thursday!