Friday, August 4th, 2000 @ 6:03 PM PST

I was at work today thinking about why I have such trouble coming out to my mother. My father, there is an obvious reason. He's not the most uhm.. openminded or supportive individual, and his girlfriend just makes racist, homophobic, bigoted comments whenever she gets the chance.. so for me to tell him would involve a lot of anger or guts (it'll probably a combination of both and a lot of alcohol:) on my part.

On the other hand, it shouldn't be hard to tell my mom. She knows gay people.. her favorite sunday brunch place is downtown in the gay part of the city and it's owned and run by flameyer guys than anyone I've ever met.. so I don't worry about her being homophobic..

Knowing something in my head and feeling something are two completely different things.. and right now, I don't FEEL as though I am deserving of my mothers love and support. Unconditional love is just a hard concept for me, when it's bestowed upon me. I don't feel as though I am deserving of it, no matter how much I may KNOW I am.. I just don't feel worthy enough.. and the longer I keep lying about my sexuality, the less deserving I feel.

It's a vicious cycle and I don't know how to break it.. well, I do.. but I can't..

Wednesday, August 23rd, 2000 @ 12:09 AM PST

Well, it's been a while again.. I just don't have time to update sometimes.. don't hate me.. I really do intend on updating.. it's just that I'm so busy that I don't get time, and when I do have time, I'm so exhausted from working that I can't think clearly and have nothing much to say anyway..

Well, I finished the show I was working on.. it was a production of South Pacific and I had a fabulous time.. I'm really glad I didn't get that job at the other theatre now.. (more on that in a sec) because working on this show was such a great experience. I've made some great friends, become VERY open about my sexuality.. more open than I was before, and again, that's really positive, and I had a LOT of fun doing it, not to mention I that I was the Assistant Stage Manager.. that was just a huge gigantic bonus! (ASM is a VERY important job, so like.. yay!)

Anyway.. Saturday night was just a blast.. I had to work that morning from 9-2, then I had the show from 6-11:15ish and then we had our cast party.. The cast party was on a BOAT! It was a lot of fun, and the Stage Manager gave myself and the other ASM small bottles of champagne.. which I thought was really sweet.. I didn't get home until 4 in the damn morning, but that didn't matter.. It was great!

The next morning however.. I had to wake up early for my first meeting with the cast of another play which I am doing the lighting for.. <Waves at the Rich Wierdo's..>, but hey.. that was fine.. :)

Anyway.. yesterday I got a phone call from the woman who got MY theatre job.. asking if I wanted to ASM the show.. so today was my first rehersal with them.. It was really hectic.. and quite honestly, I'm VERY glad I didn't get the job in the first place.. sure being paid to do theatre work would have been awesome, but I had a much better time doing South Pacific, and I wouldn't have had the other oportunities that I am now getting. I dunno.. maybe I just wasn't meant to get that job and I was meant to work on the other show.. who knows.. Destiny? Scary concept..

So, uhm.. what else has been goin on? August 6th was the Gay Pride Parade here in Vancouver.. and I went with my friend Josh.. then we met up with some of his friends, one of the guys, Joe (hi Joe:) I actually kinda knew before.. Anyway.. it was REALLY cool.. and I felt REALLY empowered after that day. I don't quite know how to explain it. It was just like.. being around all those people who supported gay people, who were gay/lesbian/bi, it was just a very welcoming and friendly and warm atmosphere.. and FUN.. It was just FUN. I don't know how to explain it. It's like a Jewish person going to a Jewish youth group.. they just FIT IN.. and for the first time.. I felt like I belonged totally and completely.. nobody was judging me.. nobody was harrasing me.. nobody was doing anything except welcoming and accpeting.. and that was a GREAT feeling. So Josh, Joe, thanks for a great day.. I'll never forget it.. and Joe.. purple hair is SOOOOO you! :)

Well guys.. school starts on the 5th.. and I've signed up for my classes already.. I'm kinda dreading going back to school.. but I am also kinda looking forward to it.. I'm going to get myself a boyfriend.. that's a priority this year.. It hasn't been one in the past.. but now it most certainly is. We'll see what happens.. but I feel lucky..

Oh, and today is my 3 month aniversary of coming out.. for the second time.. those that have been with me since the begining know what I mean.. So congrats to me!

Tuesday, August 29th, 2000 @ 1:45 AM PST

School starts in a little more than a week.. I'm nervous.. Last school year, when I came out, I was still closeting myself.. now things are a little different.. I'm more out than I was last year.. Last year was about figuring things out.. I'm still doing that, but this year is more about finding out who I REALLY am.. I thought I knew, and then things changed.. I want to find a boyfriend.. but I'm not the type to actively pursue that. I need to find someone who I relate to.. and that's a hard enough thing to do as a straight person.. now I'm looking in a smaller pool of people.. and when you can't go up to a cute guy and say "hey.. I'd like to jump your bones.. wanna come over?" without worrying about him kicking your ass.. it makes things difficult. I need to get out there, but I don't quite know how to do that yet..