Thursday, March 30th @ 12:16 AM PST
The last few days I've been thinking.. if I were to find a guy that I wanted to spend my life with, would I be gay? If I were to find a woman that I wanted to spend my life with, would I be straight? Is there REALLY such thing as being bisexual, or is it just a transition period? Is it just a period where people who are curious about same sex relationships pass through, and then they figure out what they prefer? I haven't had a same sex relationship, I've only had a few male/female relationships.. all of which were rather uhm.. dysfunctional. Is it because I'm gay? I don't think I am, I mean I walk down the street and if I see a pretty girl I certainly give her as much thought as I do a hot guy. Is that just some kind of defense mechanism, like repression or sublimation where I repress my true feelings and try and pretend like I like girls?
This sexuality thing is really confusing.. why must we label ourselves? This would be a whole lot easier if I didn't have to come up with some kind of label for who I am. I blame it on religion. It's religion that made homosexuality bad, and only for the purpose to promote procreation and the continuation of the religion. Pretty shitty reason to cause hatred toward gay people if you ask me, but I digress.. Labels suck.. that's just how I feel about it. Do I need to label myself? Is being bisexual really even a label? It's more of a label saying that I don't want to be labeled.. I like being me.. so I think I'm gonna label myself as Matt. I hope that's good enough for everyone, because it's good enough for me.
The last few weeks, since I've come out to my gay friends have been rather interesting. A few of them really want to take me to the gay clubs and the gay bars. I don't want to do that. I'm not interested in looking for someone that way. I don't think I'm even comfortable enough with myself to go to one yet. I'm not really looking for a guy.. I'm not looking for a girl either though. I'm definitely not opposed to the idea of either, but I looking for someone doesn't really appeal to me. I mean going to the clubs or bars (gay or straight) just seems desperate if the intent is to find someone. Who do you actually find in those places anyway? Desperate people, that's who. If my intention is to have fun and I find someone, that's different, but to go for the sole purpose of finding someone to fuck one night.. sorry, no thanks. I might as well whore myself downtown.. because apparently I can get lots of work.
I just got a really funny e-mail which I need to share, because.. well.. it's damn funny and about someone I really hate.. BARNEY!
1) Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway) so it becomes: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3) Extract all Roman Numerals: C V V L D I V
4) Convert into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5) Add all the numbers: 666
Thus, Barney is Satan.
Ok, sorry.. that was way offtopic, but it made me laugh. I'm off to work on my 200th paper of the week. What should it be? Roman Studies, Political Science or Psychology? Why did I take these courses?
Thursday, March 30th, 2000 @ 10:42 PM PST
I was sitting in English class this morning, and for the first time in a while school seems to be relating to my life. We were discussing a novel, and in the novel the character questions life. He compares himself to the dung beatle.. how appropriate. We all scuttle about, looking, like the dung beatle for our piece of shit. Everyone is on a search, we are all looking for something, and sometimes, even if we find what we are looking for, we pass it by, or it passes us by.
I find myself looking back on the events in my life, wondering what if I had just done something different, would I be different, or would I be the same person, just with different experiences? The movie Sliding Doors comes to mind I guess. One event, one seemingly minor event has life altering conciquences, but in the end the only real difference is a hair cut.
For example, last year I thought that being part of certain groups was going to have positive concequences on my life. I was the assistant editor of the Yearbook (award winning by the way.. congrats Katie, I hope you're reading), I wrote a play, I was the assistant director of that play, I did theatre tech work, I did a lot of things at school. I did them because they were fun. I didn't really have any ulterior motive when I started out, but by the end of the year everyone (teachers and parents) were telling me great things, like I was going to go on and do great things in my life and doing the stuff I did was going to open doors. I foolishly believed them. Nothing great has occured because of these experiences except for the ones that I had initially expected.. I made some really great friends, I had fun, and I have finished products to show for the hard work (and 300 bux.. Woo! My one and only award). So I am wondering.. where are the great things that were promised me? I'm at a crappy college and I'm doing stuff I don't like doing.. Yeah, I'm just reaping the rewards aren't I?
Now here is the tough part.. I am wondering.. would I still be doing what I'm doing had I not done the yearbook, not been a part of the theatre.. would I still be at the crummy college doing something I don't want to do? I think I would be.. and that's a depressing thought. Predestination.. I don't like it. Too religious for me!
Saturday, April 1st, 2000 @ 11:37 PM PST
A few weeks ago I sent my webpage address to my friend Craig. I was really worried about sending it to him because I didn't quite know what to expect from him. He didn't see the page until yesterday though, because I asked him not to read it at his house (His brother and my brother know each other and I didn't want his brother finding my page and telling my brother...). I was really worried about his reaction though, because he is quite a religious person. I'm glad to say that he was very supportive. I can't tell you how much of a relief that is to me. So last night we drove for 3 and 1/2 hours and talked. We talked about a lot of things, and for the first time in a while it didn't devolve into small talk. We actually TALKED.
Just a funny story from last night.. Craig and I drove to McDix where our friend Matt works. We wanted to see if he was working last night, he wasn't, but the chick at the drive through remembered who we were and told him that 2 guys were looking for him. She apparently said "the guy that was driving was very hot and had nicely cut hair". I was driving.. That's the third compliment (maybe 4th) I've had since I cut my hair. It's really doing something for me.. <smile>