Thursday April 6th, 2000 @ 3:02 AM PST

I'm not sure why I'm writing right now; I'm just gonna put pen to paper and see what happens.. so to speak. Something's bothering me, and I'm not quite sure what it is. Everything's going pretty good right now. My friends are all accepting this, I've got a decent job, I've got food to eat, I've got a nice mom, I've got pain in the ass brothers, a stupid "step-mother" and a weird father. It's all like it should be, it's all like it used to be.

Right now I feel as I did before February 18th, and maybe that's the problem. Perhaps I assumed that by coming out things would change. I mean obviously they have changed, but maybe I was expecting some kind of life altering change. That hasn't happened. I'm not even sure if that's what it is. Maybe I feel so shitty right now because I was expecting something to change, it hasn't, and I still feel a need for change? I don't mean to make it sound like I came out because I had nothing better to do.. obviously that's quite ludicrous, but maybe I assumed that by coming out I would feel a little more free, and with freedom comes opportunity and choices, and I have yet to see either opportunity or choices. Coming out was the first step.. so, what is the second step?

Is it a relationship? I hope that I am not feeling like this because I need a relationship. That's one of the big problems I have with my father. He feels that he needs someone there to make his life complete. I have never believed that I need someone else to complete my life, but thinking something and feeling something are two different things. I mean I would love a relationship right now, but it doesn't seem like it's in the cards for me right now. I haven't met anyone that I like in that way, and I am not really interested in looking for someone.

So if it's not a relationship what is it? A new job? I like my job. I mean sure I don't make much money (8 bux an hour), but what am I qualified for? I don't want to be a dishwasher, if I were getting paid 10 bux an hour to wash dishes I would keep my job. Cooking is much more fun and a lot less stressful (atleast where I work) than washing dishes. I would like to get a waiter job, but that can't happen until I turn 19. I can't serve alcohol until then, so I'll have to wait till my birthday.. it's just a few weeks away too. I can't wait.

Hmm, that just gave me a thought. Perhaps this is just the whole turning 19 thing? Maybe I'm just nervous about turning 19. Birthdays always seem to get me a bit edgy. I always reflect on the past year, and find fault with what I've accomplished, and this year, I can't really find fault with what I've done. I think this year was a really great year. I did a lot of stuff that I'm proud of. I helped produce an award winning yearbook, I did a lot of theatre work, I graduated from high school, I got into college and SURVIVED the first year, I came out, I got a job. I did a lot this year, perhaps I'm just worried that I've peaked and wont be able to surpass this past year.

Hmm.. I feel a little better. Thanks.. I needed that.

Friday April 7th, 2000 @ 1:40 AM PST

I can't believe I'm going to say this.. it's actually quite a horrifying thought to me but, well, I told myself that if I was going to write an online journal I would be completely honest, so here goes.. (bet yer all thinkin' it's something really juicy!) I really like N'Sync! I can't believe how much I like their music now. I've been sitting here listening to "I Want You Back", "Tearin Up My Heart" and "Bye Bye Bye" for the past three days. There is just something about the music that is so hypnotic.. and perhaps a little stupefying? None the less, they kick ass.

I've been trying to write my Poli Sci paper for almost 3 hours now, and I just can't get ANYTHING written. I've written 211 words in 3 hours.. that's fuckin' pathetic. I can't wait till I'm done all this fucking homework, because as soon as I am, I'm going to get started on some REAL writing.

For the last little while I've had the urge to write scripts, not because I want them produced or anything (that'd be nice though.. money is always good) but because they are a really good way to express yourself. I really enjoyed my Theatre History class this semester. We read a lot of really enjoyable stuff and I found my love for theatre was kind of rejuvenated because of it. Once the summer was over and I was finished working in the theatre I kind of stopped thinking about it. The interest it held over me kind of dwindled until this semester when I took my Theatre History class. We got to read lots of good stuff (and some shit too) and it got me interested again, so now I'm kinda interested in seeing if I can actually write a play.. or atleast one that is better than the last one I wrote.. <laugh> I wont even comment on that one.. it was such a disastrous attempt, and I didn't quite realise how bad it was until I looked at it after we finished performing and I had some time to actually look at what was written.. it was so laughably bad.. I don't want to see that play EVER again. The only good thing about doing that play was getting to see Norah in that tight spandexy dress.. (hey Norah, I know yer reading and yer probably gonna kick my ass for that! ;)

Anyway, back to my Poli Sci essay.. hopefully I can write something worthwhile.. my topic.. Examining the differences and similarities between Capitalism and Socialism. <snore>

Justin Timberlake is fuckin hot! (I'm still listening to N'Sync on my MP3 player..)

Tuesday April 18th, 2000 @ 12:14 AM PST

Geez, I totally meant to write like four of five times, but I got sidetracked with that damn school shit, but it's over now, and I'm really REALLY relieved! I wrote 3 exams on Friday and kinda passed out till Saturday morning when I had to work..

Anyhue, what's going on in my life? I know that's why you're all reading, so I'll tell you! :) Sean and I wrote a short scene for Theatre History class as our presentation.. apparently we got the highest mark in the class. I'll post the script when I chat with him next, just to make sure he doesn't mind my posting it. It was somewhat autobiographical, because honestly, the best way to write something is to write what you know.. and what better subject than one's own life? Anyway, I think it turned out pretty good.

I was at my dad's house this weekend.. God I hate the stupid bitch. The entire weekend she just spazzed and spazzed at me and my brothers, over really insignificant and stupid things. I mean I come home at 5:00 in the evening from work, after working an 8 hour shift and the damn bitch expects ME to clean the kitchen from the lunch and breakfast dishes. Excuse me? I didn't even EAT lunch of breakfast that day, and I had just come home from 8 hours of cooking and cleaning at work.

On a happier note, I met (online) a really cool guy. He got my web-address from a friend of mine and sent me an e-mail. We've been chatting since like Tuesday, and it's great to be able to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through.. so I just wanted to say hey Chris. :) Oh, and today is my 2 month coming out anniversary. I'm proud! <smile>