Friday, April 21st, 2000 @ 2:55 AM PST

Well I've certainly become quite the hypocrite lately. It really bothers me how every time a religious holiday or religious event occurs, I am forced to take part in it. I mean fine, I was born a Jew, but I have all but publiclly renounced the religion. I don't believe in any of it. It's all hypocritical jargon and a waste of my time. If there's a God, then why does God need me to partake of all the rights of passage and religious holidays and events. Does God actually care that tonight I drank 4 cups of wine because I'm supposed to (I actually had 6 glasses.. but we wont discuss that)? All that ceremony and stuff is just crap. God doesn't give a flying fuck about any of it. If I'm a good person, if I do good deeds, if I live a good life, then all the glasses of wine in the world SHOULDN'T matter to God.. and if there is a God, I don't even think he does care.

So I feel like a hypocrite. I tell my friends that I'm not Jewish (spiriually and religiously), I tell myself that I'm not Jewish, and I've even told my parents.. but when push comes to shove.. every Passover I go through the rights and rituals, every Rosh Hashana, I skip school and go to synagogue.. I don't want to do any of that stuff, but I have no choice. I should be strong enough to stand up for myself.. but for some reason, in terms of my religion, I just can't, and I feel like a hypocrite for it.

Friday, April 21st, 2000 @ 7:38 PM PST

I am sick and tired of hearing "hate the sin, love the sinner" when people make reference to homosexuality, and God's attitude toward it. It's completely insulting and rude and just as hurtful as hating the "sinner". I'd rather people hate me for everything that I am, rather than like me but dislike my actions. That's pretty hypocritical. I don't hate a pedophile's actions but love them even though they commit the act.. and that is what "hate the sin, love the sinner" means to me. You hate that I may love and have sex with a man, but you love me none the less. A person is the sum of all their parts, and by hating one part of me (and calling it a sin) means you hate all of me.

Why does who I fuck matter ONE iota to anyone but myself? It shouldn't. I don't care if you fuck a thin person, or a fat person, or someone of a different race, yet people have taken it upon themselves to care that I might be fucking a man. Well you know what? Get the hell out of my bedroom!

Friday, April 28th, 2000 @ 2:35 AM PST

My friend Michelle (no Ray, not THAT Michelle) spent a couple of DAYS working on an astrological profile for me. I thought it was pretty cool so I've decided to post it on my page. It's pretty long, so if you don't have a lot of time to read it now, come back and read it another time (It's 5 pages long.. so.. heh.. read at your own risk!:). You can check it out here..

On an unrelated note.. I got my Transcript from school today:

B in Theatre History.. and I was worried I bombed the final
B- in Political Science.. I didn't study for any of the tests, or for the final.. I think I kick ass!
B- in English.. which is an awesome mark considering I skipped half the classes, didn't read either of the novels and didn't see any of the movies... HATE ME.. :)
C in Classical Studies.. I'm not too pleased with that at all. I should have done better, but I think I expected that I would do well and so I didn't put enough effort into it. Oh well.. <sigh>
D in Psychology.. Now this one just PISSES me off. I never got around to writing a paper for that class (cuz the teacher was a prick and wouldn't help me AT ALL, so I wasn't able to write a paper.. cuz I couldn't come up with a workable topic..), but at least a D is a pass.. I guess that's all that matters..

My GPA isn't too good though.. a 2.26 is just under a C+ and I need a C+ to get into University.. Oh well.. NEXT Fall.. I'm gonna work hard and I'm gonna pick courses that *I* want to take.. not ones my MOTHER wants me to take.

Tuesday, May 2nd, 2000 @ 2:07 AM PST

Every year my mother is a co-organizer at the Holocaust Center's annual Yom Hashoah memorial. Every year I grudgingly go, only because she asks us to go, and I feel obligated to go. I sit there every year and am bored out of my mind, I look at my watch, hoping that the evening will be over, but it just drags on and on and on. This year however, something was different. As I sat in the Synegogue listening to the presentations and listening to the songs, I had a different feeling come over me. I actually felt something. As the choir sung a song, I looked around the room and saw all of these people that I have known for years crying. 80 year old men were crying, holding their wives who were softly weeping in their husbands shoulders. It was such a painful thing for me to see, I don't know if this happens every year and that I had just been too cold to notice it before, or if tonight was just different, but I felt something. As I looked at these people, I couldn't help but tear up.

In January, my friend who I had known for almost my entire life's mom died of Cancer. She was only 52 years old, and I remember going to the funeral and wanting to cry so bad, my eyes were red and watery, but I fought back the tears. Crying was a sign of weakness, and my parents were both there, and I didn't want them to see me cry. In January of 1998, a guy at my school commited suicide, and I went to his funeral, and I didn't cry there. I knew too many people, and if I had cried that would have been a sign of weakness and I didn't want people to see that. In Januray of 1997 a friend of mine was murdered, and I didn't go to her funeral, but I remember sitting in my room in shock. I didn't cry, I just sat in my room feeling really stunned for a couple of days, but I got over it. Tonight was different, and I just don't know why. Perhaps to me the memorial was like paying tribute to the victums and survivers of the Holocaust, and to those who I have lost but was too cold or cowardly to acnowledge.

Anyway, on a fun note.. Justin had a party Saturday night, and I got fuckin plastered. Oh how I missed that.. but the interesting thing is, since I've come out, I've had no real desire to drink.. it's now just a fun thing to do if the oportunity arises, it's no longer an event to look forward to (Sure I joke about it, but I'm not serious:). That's probably a step in the right direction.. I always knew that drinking for the sake of drinking was bad, but I think I was so confused and my head was so screwed up that drinking calmed the tempest in my head, atleast for a little while. Now that I've started writing, and since I've come out, the need to drink is no longer there, and while my brain is still on overdrive, things are a lot clearer, or atleast I can sort them out, because there is no loner that mental block there.

Also, a few days ago I got an e-mail from Ariel (I'm going to see her new play tommorow night with Sean and Matt) about my feelings of hypocracy in my religious beliefs, or lack there of. Ariel.. don't worry, I haven't forgotten, and I WILL get to it.. I promise.. :)