Wednesday, May 3rd, 2000 @ 2:51 AM PST

Tonight Sean and I went to see Ariel's (Sean's ex g/f) play, it was a production of The Tempest. I read the play last year in High School and wasn't sure if I wanted to see it, because I absolutely LOATHED every moment of reading it, and then seeing a filmed production of it was even worse, but I really enjoyed seeing the play performed. So I'm glad I saw it, and apparently 2 guys thought I was hot.. or so Sean says.. <laugh> well whatever.. flattery works.. keep going..

Now, a few days ago I got an e-mail from Ariel asking me about one of my previous entries, regarding my religious beliefs and why I feel hypocritical about participating in the celebrations and whatnot, yet not really identifying with the faith. So I thought I'd take a few minutes (which will PROBABLY turn into a few hours, but we'll see) trying to explain it, because I actually had to think about why I felt like such a hypocrite. I mean I could pretty easily bang off an answer in e-mail and that'd be the end of it, but I needed some time to think, because I'm still not too sure what it is that I find so offensive about the religion, or even religion in general.

I mean it's pretty easy to say that I hate fundamentalist religion and fundamentalist thought. That's pretty straight forward, and most thinking people either don't like or out and out hate their way of thinking. But when it comes to intelligent people, who arn't blinded by religion or any of that stuff, it's pretty hard to come up with a reason to NOT be religious or atleast identify with a religion. I guess I do identify with Judaism, I mean how could I not? I was raised Jewish, had a Bar Mitzvah (and got lotsa money by the way.. haw haw haw), went to Hebrew Schools etc.. but my identity and my religious beliefs are different. I'm Jewish by birth, but not Jewish by belief. I'm not someone who doesn't believe in God either, I just don't believe in it the way that Christians, Jews, Musliums, Hindus and pretty much every other religious group does. I think that there is probably a God, I can't prove his/her/it's existance, but I guess I believe in it none the less. I never bought the whole creation myth.. that's just a nice story in my opinion, but obviously many would disagree.. and that's fine. That's not my point anyway.. What was I saying?

Oh ya, uhm, I guess I feel that I'm a hypocrite because of the fact that I have stated many times to my friends that I am Jewish by birth, but not by faith, and by participating in the religion, I feel as though I am betraying my beliefs. The fact that my beliefs are non-religious doesn't make them any less valid than religious ones, it just means that I don't have ceremonies, celebrations yada yada yada which must be participated in. I like Passover, it's a fun holiday, I get to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a while, I get to eat a lot of food and I get to drink.. it's fun.. but does my participation in it make me Jewish? I mean obviously when a Christian participates in Passover, they are participating in it for a reason, generally because they have Jewish friends or a Jewish spouse/significant other, and it doesn't compromise their beliefs. They are doing it for someone else. Am I doing it for my mother because that's what she wants me to do? I mean I'll probably participate in it till the day she dies, and I'll enjoy it too.. but to a degree I still feel like I'm betraying myself by participating.

On the otherside of my family I have my dad and his Christian bitch (she's a bitch cuz she's a bitch, not because she's a Christian), who wants us to participate in celebrating things like Christmas and Easter, not by singing songs or anything, but for example, this year my dad and the bitch had me and my brothers helping with the tree, we exchanged Christmas presents (didn't get Hannukah presents by the way) with her kids, and had Christmas dinner. Now I don't want to participate in MY OWN religion, but participating in someone elses religion REALLY pisses me off. I do NOT want to get a Christmas present. Throughout my life I have ALWAYS told Santa Clause to fuck off. I was 5 years old and a Santa in the mall asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said to him "don't you know not everyone celebrates Christmas?".. I said that at 5 years old, and have been doing it ever since. Anyway, if I were a practicing Jew, would I be a hypocrite if I participated in Christmas but didn't want to? Is that any different than my current desire to not participate in either religion? I'm not sure. Someone wanna tell me?

Well.. that took more than a few minutes.. <laugh> and I'm still not sure I've even answered the question, just raised new ones..

Monday, May 8th, 2000 @ 1:52 AM PST

Hypothetical situation.. I meet a guy.. I like the guy a lot.. he asks me out..

Now here's where things get a little bit sticky (pardon the pun). I have accepted that I have the capacity to be attracted to guys.. but do I have the capacity to love a guy? Do I have the capacity to feel romantic feelings toward a guy? Could I even accept being asked out by a guy.. I mean I know I could handle the question and not get all wierd on him, but could I respond with a yes if I wanted to? I get this image in my mind of being asked out by a guy, smiling at him and wanting to say "yes" but saying "no" instead.

I dunno.. I'm just trying to figure out where I stand.. and right now, it appears as if I'm not really standing on anything right now.. just kinda clinging onto the edge of a cliff, trying to pull myself up, but not sure what I'm pulling myself up to.  Oooh.. how metaphorical of me.. if you didn't notice.. I blow at poetry..

Anyway.. something else that's kinda bugging me.. Last night I went out with Craig and Justin.. we went out to Ladner.. cuz Justin chickened out and didn't wanna drive across the border and go to Point Roberts.. Chicken.. :P Anyway.. uhm.. Ladner.. we went to a friend of their's house and met up with a couple of girls.. Trust me.. sounds more exciting than it was... :) Anyway, the night was goin alright until one of the girls made a comment like "My boyfriend likes the BSB and N'Sync, but he's not fruity".. to which I said something like "I am.". Pretty tactless of me.. but I said it none the less. The comment was tactless, but the admittance and the "pride" weren't. I'm bi, and I'm not in the closet.. and I take offense to comments like that.. or "That's so gay" or "He's such a fag" or any of those derogatory comments, and I'm more than ready to stand up and say that I don't approve of people saying bigoted things, even if they don't mean them. If someone says something racist, they are gonna get their butts kicked, but if someone says something homophobic, even unintentionally, (since it's become part of the cultural jargon) it's acceptable, unless you say it around someone who takes offense to it.

Anyway, I took offense, and probably came off as kinda a jerk, but in all honesty, people need to watch what they say, because some people aren't quite as understanding as I am.. and even though the comment was pretty harmless, I still felt that I needed to make a point about it. Maybe I shouldn't, but I felt that I did..