Scriptures:
1-15
HOME
*1-30-03*...9:33:13 PM CST
**********16************
and my life continues.
tonight's topic: addiction.
most people refer to the word "addiction" in the sense of a drugular state.
and because of the morale consensus drugs=bad;
addiction=bad
LSD
heroin
PCP
meth
alcohol.
all things condemned by certain people every day.
when in reality these same people are showing nothing but hypocrisy.
as they to, have an addiction.
we all have an addiction.
a "fatal addiction", at that.
reading junk e-mail
washing clothes
your job
"significant other" relationships.
cats
cleaning houses
school
listening to the song "bohemian rhapsody" by queen.
the dictionary definition of "addiction" goes as follows:
The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.
all the things i listed above are habits or compulsions to at least one of the 6 billion people in this world.
in fact, addictions make us who we are.
i habitually go to school, because i really know nothing else.
i compulsively listen to music softly in the backround before i got to bed, because i really know nothing else.
and those are just mere examples.
the ala mode on the flavored pie called "my life".
i have addictions within myself that i'm too blinded to see.
every single person does.
dont forget that every action has a re-action in your life.
when you go to sleep, you "wake up" everytime after you go to sleep.
why?
because its habitual in nature.
your body is "addicted" to waking up after sleeping.
it knows nothing else.
and in result, you know nothing else.
9:49:41
1,976 people died during this transcription from my mind to text format.
fin
************************************************************
*2-1-03*...1:14:?? AM CST
**********17************
"god invented google so that when people put song lyrics on their website, they wouldnt have to put who they were by or what the name of the song was."---Andre Waters
if they don't
know they don't know they're gonna find out soon enough i'm so hot as
if that hurt did you wash it fester it around some you don't even have
to wind your own stuff bring in the marines
i've heard
so many other things and it was all brown we're the suction
ones the ones that suck it up and i don't ever do the aisle until i did that
thing i'll bet you'd like a blue boost try a new roost
loosen the strap
with the two metal ends rest your head against the steel blow into the
tube show me your legs help me show me your pinksmile walking up the
aisle show me the thing underneath the seat show me your tiny plastic
something a song like a squealing pig like a train with wheels
in the
dark with the lights off concealed i'm thinking of you still
:white room
:little legend
:fishmen
:nike men
:red stripe
:blue mercedes
:big dog
:salty men
:full moon rising
:old boys
:salty girls
:bunny girl
:happy shopper
:bouncing ball
:setting sun
i think i found the real stuff
i think i found the real stuff
:white crumbs
:across your bed
:grey clouds cover bethnal green
:white jeans
:black top
:nice shape
:cracks a new witch
:blue sun gone
:sliding
:naked beneath the knee
:reflect
:black glass
:your knee
:talking
i think i found the real stuff
i think i found the real stuff
************************************************************
*2-2-03*...12:13:35 AM CST
**********18************
i actually feel like a sensical scripture today.
i cant get this image out of my head about this little kid i saw at the college.
it happened a couple of days ago. they have a daycare at my college, and the kid was being pushed around in this cart by these daycare people, and every person he passed by, he muttered the exact same words:
"HI! I'M ME!"
when he said this to myself as we passed by, i replied with the ever-so-inquizitive:
"HI ME!"
the kid busted a "little kid smile".
and thats the image i have ingraded in my mind.
(insert topic change here)
almost a week now, no tv.
it was SO hard today especially, because i didnt do a whole lot and nobody was around all day.
i actually habitually turned on the tv and started flipping through the channels, but i caught myself after about 30 seconds and turned it off.
i can do this.
its funny the side affects that come when you're in "withdrawl" of something you've had your entire life.
it almost seems like your whole chemical imbalance as a person is molded into a baseball thrown across the room by a baseball pitcher
and it goes "splat" on the wall.
the biggest problem is, i cant sleep for extended periods of time anymore without waking up.
that and the line between my "dreams" and my "reality" has become much more fine.
(insert topic changer #2 here)
i keep on thinking about what mr. gibson praise had to say about people and how they're worried about what other people are thinking.
for those of you with a short memory lapse; here it is again:
"They’re so worried about what other people are thinking when the people they’re worrying about are worried about the same thing."
it makes me think to myself:
why do i, and others, fabricate the way we are as people?
to be more interesting?
to be more appealing as a person?
to be able to relate to someone or something?
i should just stop worrying about what other people are thinking of about me when i say something.
i shoudl just cut to the chase and get to the point when i want to say something.
clear.
direct.
honest.
fabricating things only seems to "cover up" the "real" truth anyways.
we fabricate our bodies everyday, literally, and i wonder what's behind them all.
live life between the textiles.
12:31:25
2170 people died during this transcription from my mind to text format.
fin
************************************************************
*2-3-03*...11:15:35 AM CST
**********19************
so, today, just for kicks, i asked this one "girl" if she wanted to something soemtime because i'd like to get to know her better.
this is someone ive probably only talked to 3-4 times in my life, all in the span of a week or so.
and its funny how you cant even ask someone of the "opposite sex" to do something simple and minute and everyday without the implication of it being a "date" or that you're "interested" in that person of the opposite sex.
she answered with, "well, i have a boyfriend, and he gets REAL jealous if i talk to another guy....but maybe on campus sometime."
funny.
here i thought this person was "different" in the sense that she wasn't owned by anything, but in reality, she's owned by one of the worst kinds of ownership imaginable.
the "significant other"
one person, two parties.
one thought.
the "significant other" you're supposed to "love", "cherish", and "hold" has your mental thought process in the palm of your hand.
it's the size of a grain of sand.
and it can be blown away into oblivion by the "significant other" in a matter of a split second without a thought or remorse to linger in the backround.
like the end of a movie or a book where the character doesnt die and he/she walks off into the sunset, and you can't help but beg the question:
"what happens in the rest of his/her life?"
and actually, that brings up another interesting thing.
as myself and this "girl" we're walking in the halls together after our coversation, i told the girl:
"i had to ask that. i don't like to live in a world of 'what-ifs'"
and she gave me that insincere smile that she always seems to give thats still quite interesting to me.
flexing the semi-charmed gap between her two front teeth.
showing the humanity in herself, myself, and everyone.
but it is true.
i've spent too much of my life wondering about "what if" this and "what if" that.
after i asked, i didnt even care that we were never going to "do something"; with the two of us. in fact, i was elated for the rest of the day.
the thought had cleared my mind.
chapter 2,838 in the book of "the life of matt" had been completed and closed.
and there was no better feeling in the world.
there really isnt much better of a feeling, at least that i've experienced, than to close a chapter in the book called your life.
just so you can brush it aside and let the dust pile up.
and move on to another book.
another problem or situation in your life.
change the topic in your mind.
theres truly no better feeling.
i guess i cant re-iterate that enough.
and to allow my friend mr. narcissism to pat me on the back (which we all NEED to do with ourselves once and awhile):
today i showed that i was fearless.
cunning and brave in my own chocolate-coated candy way.
for one moment, when i closed that chapter in my book of my life, i was a complete person.
and it's because of moments like that i continue to be alive.
breathing
thinking
mocking
"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"
11:41:49
3,148 people died during this transcription from my mind to text format.
fin
************************************************************
*2-4-03*...9:31:XX PM CST
**********20************
*taken from an e-mail to SMS*
tv update: despite my little "30 seconds lapse" over the weekend, ive been beating it without much problem. its really easy during the week because im so buzy.
*stares aimlessly into oblivion for the moment*
thats my new thing now that i dont have tv. i think thats why tv was invented in the first place: to make a "socially accpetable" reason to stare into nothing.
i mean, look at what has happened today. you "zone out" in life and people think you're fucked up and need to see a shrink. yet, these same people probably go home and "zone out" in from of their televisions.
funny.
you'd be surprised at how many times people "condem" other people for doing things, yet they only do them themselves.
we're all human.
some of us just dont seem to think so.
X people died during this transcription from my mind to text format.
fin
**********21************
*also taken from an e-mail to SMS*
i stumbled upon the very first e-mail you ever sent to moi, coincidentally dated:
june 24, 2002.
i read it, it was "short", and you used the word "whatever". two times.
i SO didnt know you then.
and in all actually, i SO dont know you right now either.
and in reality, we SO really dont know much of anyone.
but yes, i think we both have changed since then. as people.
"evoled" in a sense.
and the funny thing is, we'll keep evolving.
we'll look back on this moment down the road in our lives, and say,
"i SO didnt know you then".
and come to think of it, it will be funny what happens to us in our lives.
we could be "freinds" for awhile, then drift away and never see or speak to each other again, like what happens with so many other "friendships".
one of us could die prematurley.
we could become "close friends" and remain in contact for the rest of our lives.
we could become "close friends", then grow apart and end up spiting each other like what happens to so many other close friendships.
we could get married, and live happily ever after.
we could get divorced, and blame each other for all of the problems in our lives.
we could die in a car accient together, simultaneously, on the way to coldplay.
and the list only gets longer and longer.
so i beg the question, ms. sXXXXXXX:
what will happen to us, and to the people around you as you continue to "evolve" as a person?
only time will tell my friend.
only time.
************************************************************
*2-5-03*...9:56:59 AM CST
**********22************
.....................................
my mind is in absolute frozen state
partially consumed by god, steel mill workers, and traffic lights when they turn green.
i shake my head as if i'm getting slapped in the face by a large group of polar bears continually, trying to dethaw my mind.
but yeah, onto life.
after school today, i had to talk to my physics teacher.
he thought i was "cheating" on one of my test answers.
i was, too. it was a take home test, and i had talked about a problem with the person sitting next to me.
we had a different number for the force.
and i realised i forgot to square root the answer.
and so i quickly changed it before i handed it in.
and mr. teacher saw this and i got a nice little note of my test:
"matthew, i am concerned with the individuality of your work...blah blah blah.....come talk to me about this on your own time."
it was so non-threatening, that it made me laugh.
and i loved the illusion of how i was "in control" of the situation by him saying "come talk to me about this on your own time."
so i went and talked to him, and i think he was expecting me to be all "doggish" about it.
beat around the bush, and what not.
as if he was going to have to squeeze the truth out of me as if it was the last drop of water remaining in a sponge picked up off the hot desert sand.
i flat out told him:
"i'll be honest with you, i 'cheated' on the last one"
and i think that blew him away.
"children" are portrayed as cynical, manipulative, and deceptive.
not honest, direct, and straight-forward.
he then said something i actually liked, to be quite honest.
it went along the lines of:
"its nice to see that we're both honest about the situation, and that we got that honesty out there. cheating on a test and denying it is one thing, but you're living in a state of denial about many things and you have a problem if you can't admit to doing something as small as cheating on 1 test question if you actually did."
and it makes me wonder:
i know MANY people that cheat on tests/exams/life(in general) constantly.
and the majority of these people woudl never admit to it came with a consequence in any way, shape, or form.
and i ask the question:
what does it really say about those people?
what sort of people can live with that kind of denial?
i mean, we all live in denial about many things in our life.
addictions
"problems"
pleasure sources
the truth
but those are some hefty issues there.
the nuts and bolts of people's lives.
very hard things to put a finger on without wrapping your whole "generalistic" hand around it.
and i guess the thing that gets me most is:
if people cant even fess up to something so small as "cheating" on one test question, what does that say about the rest of their lives?
if people cant even get out of their states of denial on something so small as "cheating" on one test question, what does that say about the rest of their denials in their life?
more importantly:
exactly what else are they denying in their lives?
at least if someone is honest and doesnt live in a state of denial on such minor things, even if its not exactly the most "proud" thing to be honest about, at least people can look at that person and say:
"his/her word means something. because when something comes out of his/her mouth, you know it's the truth".
no fear
no denial
truth
be youself, and dont be afraid to show it.
live up to your actions, because they are what define you as a person.
because when you dont, you dont even have a definition of yourself as a person.
you're a denial of who you "are" as a person.
you are not even a person.
because you, yourself, are denying the fact that you are one
10:30:09
4,100 people died during this transcription from my mind to text format.
fin
************************************************************
*2-8-03*...9:01:11 AM CST
**********23************
its been a couple days.
hm.
*runs to get a different cd*
ok
now, for tonight's topic, at mr. brown's mind-numbing exporeum:
likes and dislikes
i like the color blue, you like the color green
why?
i like depeche mode, you like shanaya twain
why?
i like to fall into my litle "niche" in life, you dont
why?
why exactly do we like the things that we like and dislike the things that we dislike?
culture?
media?
heredity?
family?
humanity?
from the day we exit the womb and get our ass smacked by dr. *insert name here*, we establish things that we like/dislike through our lives.
the path of likes and dislikes is much similar to the "spiderweb" road that we all live our lives on.
the "spiderweb" road, in short, has to do with the fact that every choice, that you make in life, small or large, there are countless other things that you could "choose" to do instead.
example: by choosing to eat a peanut butter sandwich, you are making many choices.
not just the choice to eat the sandwich, but the choice to not do all of the things you coudl be doing instead of eating the sandwich.
ride a bike
get married
eat mac and cheese
the possibilites are truly endless.
in result, there are always countless ways to travel on the spiderweb. you can only choose one though.
you do this for your entire life.
and you have so many "what if's" that go along with this:
example: "what if" i chose not to eat the peanut butter sandwich and chose to ride a bike instead.
would i have gotten ran over by an 18 wheel semi?
would i have met my future wife?
would i have stopped at subway and got a turkey breast sub instead?
once again, the possiblites are truly endless.
and the ironic part:
with all the countless possibilites you can choose from at any given moment, all the countless paths you can go, they all end up at the same finish line:
death.
the black widow eats the fly trapped in the web.
which, actually, looking at it under that light, makes general likes/dislikes seem so.................obsolete.
conflict arises all the time over many things:
different points of view
the way people look and dress
war and peace
and yet, all these things that i cared about once and had a viewpoint on once and stood for something at one point and time, mean nothing to me.
because in the big picture, they are but a pixel on the canvas.
how can we all be so genetically and biologicaly similar, yet be so consumed in the way we think, believe, act, and in so many other ways?
because in reality, we all share the biggest fear of our lives in common.
someday, at some point and time, all 6 billion of us, are going to die.
thinking this and believeing this and forming my own opinion on this makes me want to forget about all the trivial things that "erk" me about the people who i really admire and care about, especially if these people will do the same when they look at me under their microscopes.
because, someday, i'm not going to be here, and neither are you.
so between me and you, let's make it our mission in life to let the things in our lives that we let consume us.........go.
let them go.
our egos
our thoughts, beliefs, and values.
the way we act, think, and care.
feel free to be yourself at any moment.
but dont make someone else be yourself as well.
9:35:45
4,148 people died during this transcription from my mind to text format.
fin
************************************************************
*2-10-03*...12:04:XX AM CST
**********24************
porcelin skies
your mother cries
"pink eyes"
the tree describes
a blossomed day
a parted way
a laugh in the pouring rain
tracking up the hill
the sun falls down
and in the shadows
lies the ancient crown
the reason why
you live your life
is not for treason
or grieven strife
but for a love that flows
between your fingers
like grains of sand
and hourless cinders
and when i smile
you laugh and turn
and frown your face
replace the taste
slide into second base
feet first
stand up
look around
and see what lies before your naked eyes
love
fear
the resentment of the fact that your life comes in many shapes and sizes
and you close your eyes
and you pray
3 hail marys for every day you lived
and for every day you're away from dying
and when you open your eyes
you sense the force around you
"he's out!" they yell
and someone cheers away
but as they run
you stand and cry
because you know that someday
they'll die
and that bargains your faith
like a rotten apple in the waste
dried and wrinked and shriveled away
lying in a pile of paste
and as you stand you begin to cry
you really dotn know the reason why
but some things you love will go away
and some things you love will always stay
for this reason, on this very day,
you wipe your brow, and continue to play
because tomorrow, the sun will rise
the rotten apple is now a pie
and you will eat it with joy and fame
until your mind grows old and lame.
fin
************************************************************
*2-12-03*...12:07:01 AM CST
**********25************
thinking about.....what?
huh?
my brain is complete mush from physics.
so lets see how this goes.
i wonder why you get that feeling you do when you're in "the zone".
with whatever you zone with
when you can't miss a shot in basketball
when your writing is just flawless.
when your russian chess strategies are second to none.
how do you enter this "zone" and how do you get out of it?
because i, for one, would really like to know.
sometimes, ill be dancing, just around my house, and ill fuel into the zone.
and i dont even think about dancing anymore.
i just do.
the life flows between me.
and i've even started a new testament in the "zone" book.
walking.
thats right, walking in the "zone".
for the most part, ive always been the one to walk with my head tilted down, waiting paitenly behind slow people, zig-zagging in and out of people.
but not today.
as i walked to microbio, i held my head high, and walked a brisk pace.
i flung doors open instead of just giving them the little push that i usually do.
i held my head high, and as i passed someone in the halls, i didnt look away like they did, i kept on walking and looking straight ahead of me.
its funny how "curteousy" has become such an odd establishment in our lives.
and how "hostility" is something you're not supposed to have, but you use it every single time you look away from someone when you're walking in the halls.
or when you cuss under your breath as you're waiting for the slow people in front of you to speed up.
no more, i say.
head high
walk swifty
dont look away.
and most importantly:
smile
:)
12:15:26
1,010 people died during this transcription from my mind to text format.
fin
************************************************************
*2-12-03*...3:43:40 PM CST
**********26************
how is it that everything can be explained "scientifically"
yet people still ask how many licks it can take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
are the masses really that uneducated?
or are we just so easily amused that we all dont care?
its like that thing you do with your pencil
when you jiggle it and it looks like it bends
im sure SCIENCE has some way of figuring it out
but isnt it just cooler just to do it
and wonder?
i think the world would be horrible if we had all the answers.
we'd be out of voids to fill as people.
is god real?
how about vampires?
is there life on mars?
things that we talk about everyday, things that make us wonder, things that keep our clocks ticking.
because whats the point of living, if you already know everything?
you might as well be dead.
oh wait, you'll already know about that too.
nevermind........
************************************************************
*2-12-03*...9:17:10 PM CST
**********26************
ladies and gentlemen:
i will now take you through a "normal" day in the life of......me.
febuary 12th, 2003, and this is how i live my life every day.
CHAPTER 1
i wake up at about 10-something to the sound of an alarm.
i hit the snoose and go back to bed.
i am usually still awake, and 3-5 minutes later, another alarm goes off, acorss the room.
i go, get up out of bed, and hit the snoose.
the first alarm goes off again
i proceed to hit the snoose again
the second alarm goes off.
i get up, and turn this alarm off.
i go to my cd player, and i turn that on.
i turn on whatever song i feel like listening to at the time.
and i go back to bed.
sometimes ill only listen to 1 song, soemtimes 3-4 songs in my bed.
as the alarm still goes off every 5 minutes or so.
just to have that gradified "insurance policy" of knowing i wont fuck myself over if i fall back to sleep.
because if i do, any moment ill be awakened again by the ever-so-annoying
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
sometimes, i think the alarm is beeping, when it actually is not.
i am a slave to my alarm clock.
when it beeps, i get up.
when it beeps again, i get up.
and when it beeps again, once again, i get up.
i then usually proceed to get out of bed after im done listening to music, throw on my robe, and go downstairs.
somedays ill turn my alarm off, soemdays ill forget, and ill cuss and swear undr my breath about my alarm is still goin and ill have to run back up stairs and turn it off as i hear it faintly in the distance and my cat lies repalled on the bed with her ears crooked like minuature shark fins.
i usually head downstairs and go straight to the cereal.
i usually dont even check to see if we have any milk.
i just open up the box, and pour myself a bowl.
i'm addicted to cereal when i wake up.
it doesnt matter what kind.
cinnamon toast crunch
golden grahams
raisin bran
i dont know what to make of myself if i dotn have cereal as soon as i wake up.
the rest of my day becomes lost, in a complete blur as if i was looking through a pair of 2 for a dollar beer goggles.
next, i go into the living room and turn on the other cd player downstairs.
i listen to a cd from there, probably at double volume than upstairs.
i then proceed to turn on our gas fireplace, and i sit in front of it, indian style, my back facing the fire like an eskimo's ice cold choppers on a cold, windy winter day.
and i proceed to eat my cereal.
often times, at about this time, i am joined by tubby j, my big grey cat.
he usually just rubs up against my knees that stick out like pointy projectiles.
he does this because he wants something.
cat food
water
exit house left.
i usually ignore him as i eat my cereal.
when im doen with my cereal, i go and rinse out the bowl and place it in the sink.
i then go back to the living room and just....dance.
for a good 10-15 minutes.
sometimes i pretend to be the lead singer of (insert band here).
mocking him, yet envying him at the same time.
or if it doesnt contain lyrics, i just dance.
i let go of myself and all my worries at this time
and i prepare for the day ahead.
after this, i hit my workout routine.
sit-ups
push-ups
when im done with these, ill turn off the radio downstairs, and go upstairs.
and ill do some lifting there.
the same routine, every single day.
i then hit the shower, as im usually fairly hot and sweaty and i do not smell good.
before i go in the shower, i turn on the radio upstairs, and i put it on a cd and turn it up about double what i listened to earlier in the morning.
i then take off my robe, and hang it on my door.
i then go and run the water for my shower, getting the temperature right.
i dont like this part, because i cant hear my music very well.
especially the treble.
i cant hardly hear the treble at all.
the bass still pounds through, but it seems to drown out the treble like an older brother holding his younger brother under water in a shit pool on one of those dreaded family vacations at a shit hotel.
next, i turn the shower on, and i hop in.
i leave the door open half way so i can hear the music loud and clear.
i usually just "exist" in the shower for a good 3-4 minutes, in which i just stand there and "get wet".
thats my favorite part of the shower.
i go numb.
for 3-4 minutes, its me, the music, and the water.
no worries.
i then take the soap and soap up.
rinse accordingly
i then take my pantene pro-v shampoo/conditioner combo and apply to my hair in semi-circular motions until the shampoo/conditioner is mixed throughly throughout the folicles of my hair.
right.
rinse accordingly again.
and once again, i exist in the shower for 3-4 minutes.
me, the water, and the music.
no worries.
i then get out, and dry off.
usually the body first, and then my hair.
i then take a brush and brush all of my hair back in front, on the sides, and brush in back.
i the take a little bit of gel, spread it across my fingertips, and i run it through the top of my head. this is to avoid those little "stray hairs" that fatigue all of our little egos.
comb the gel out (which is easy, because the hair is still wet)
and a new step in my routine, involves taking the index and middle finger and putting gel on those and gelling my "sides" of my head.
comb the gel out once again.
i then shave.
no cream
electric razor on the face, blade on the neck.
the music is still playing, so i usually "jam" for a minute right about now.
after this, i usually go back to my room, and get dressed.
underwear, pants, and socks at least.
i avoid putting shirts on at all costs in the morning until the final moment.
the shirt, to me as a person, signals cultivation.
and i want to avoid that until the last minute that i can every single day.
i then go back in the bathroom and do "other things".
pluck stray eyebrow hairs
brush my teeth
put on deoderant
as the music is STILL playing, i "jam" again.
i then, finally, go and get my shirt(s) on.
my hair usually gets messed up after i put my shirts on, so i go back into the bathroom and fix it, which takes about a minute or so.
i then go and "jam" in my room to the song thats on as i put on cologne.
i have recently become a slave to cologne.
i no longer smell like matthew brown.
i smell how eddie bauer wants me to smell.
i then finish listening to the song that im listening to.
as im doing this, im tying up loose ends like grabbing my wallet, getting change for later in the day, packing up books, etc.
when the song is over, i turn off the radio, and go downstairs.
i proceed to the back porch, and grab my car keys along the way.
when i enter the back porch, i put on my shoes first, then my jacket, and i grab my bag.
i then proceed outside to my garage.
my garage door is funny, as it wont unlock, so i have to open up the automatic door that my mom uses first.
i've become a slave to technology.
i cannot physically get my garage door open
so i push a button as the other doors opens automatically in order for access to open my door manually.
i then go to the front of my car and unplug it, being its the middle of feburary and all.
i go and i enter my car, which is a tight squeeze in itself.
if i was a fat child prodigy, i'd have to park outside. thats how much of a squeeze it is.
i throw my bag in the passenger seat, and i get it.
2 pumps on the gas, as i've got a nice, 16 year old car, and i turn the key.
"vrrrom" the car pounds out like an annoying techno beat.
and it starts up.
i then slam on the gas to get the RPM's up and get rid of all the exhaust that comes out initially with old cars.
i go back inside, with both garage doors still open.
for this period as im waiting for the car to warm up, i go in the bathroom, and i "look" at myself in the mirror.
and i do the run-down:
"how's my hair? in front? the sides? in back?"
"do i have any crusties in my eyes?"
"do i need to get the wax out of my ears"
"how are my cuts from shaving holding up? ok? do i need to blot them?"
this continues for 5 minutes, often tiems with me running from bathroom to bathroom making sure i look "ok"
i have become a slave to culutre.
instead of doing something useful with my life, i stare at myself in the mirror.
or in front of a lousy computer sceen
as im doing right now.
after thats all done, i go out and get into my car.
the exhause is usually raging by this point, you could probably line up the exhaust pipe of my car next to a dirty, silted smokestack in Hearttown USA, and you wouldnt see much differnce.
i squeeze back in my car, and i raise the RPM's again, and i push in on the brake, and pull out.
i take extra caution to make sure i don't smash one of my mirrors into the side of the garage or the median in the middle.
i pull out into the driveway, and i put the car in park.
i go and close both garage doors, oen by a push of a button, one by me putting all my weight behind a lousy, cheap metal handle.
you choose the easier route.
and i take off, to school.
i take the same route to school every day.
straight, right, left, right, straight, straight, left, until i hit a long straight away where i got straight for about a solid mile.
i then hit a stop sign, in which i continue straight once again.
now, heres the fun part of my day:
pothole invaders.
after the stop sign, i proceed up this hill.
at the top of the hill, at an intersection, lies pothole #1.
i swerve all the way to the left, bordering and sometimes even crossing over the meridian line as i avoid it.
easy.
pothole #2 can be avoided by using the same precautions as pothole #1, as it occurs at the next intersection.
pothole #3 can also be avoided by using the same precautions as pothole #1 and #2, but theres a little sneaky twist:
pothole #3 is at the top of a hill.
so watch how far you go over the meridian, and beware of yur position on the road.
the last thing we want is our pothole invaders game to be taken away from us.
pothole #4 is VERY tricky, as it is at the base of the hill that pothole #3 started on, but it is on a sharp corner as well.
after many trials, i have figured out a solution:
IF you break as you reach the base of the hill, and swing your turn as wide towards the curb as you can, pothole #4 can be missed.
i remember the day i missed pothole #4.
i thought i was the coolest thing since pieces of shit taped to a popsicle stick.
for months, i hated pothole #4.
it got me, every single time.
and now i laugh as i breeze by.
but i dont laugh for long; as here comes the asteroid field.
the asteriod field is a doozy, but isnt as ovrall dangerous as the potholes.
EXCEPT for secretly, near the end of the asteriod field, the MEGA POTHOLE lurks.
it lies right in the middle of your path, and it sneaks up on you every time.
i have done a nice job avoiding it recently, but every once in awhile, it still sneaks up on me and gobbles the left side of my car the same way an african child would gobble up a chicken drumlet if you waved it in front of his face.
i then coem to a stop sign, in which i turn right to a set of stop lights.
from here, i take a left, and get on the highway.
i go about 1/4 mile on the highway or so, and turn into my school.
total distance=2.2 miles.
i then take the road down to the parking lot at my school, which is like being a proton in a positivley charged electric field.
you get thrown everywhere.
speedbumps
dips
cracks
its a streets version of hell on earth.
i then turn into the main parking lot, and usually park on a distant side of the lot, not in the middle rows.
and onto school i go.........
(stay tuned for ch. 2....lol)
************************************************************
*2-15-03*...3:04:24 AM CST
**********27************
Chapter 2
whatever.
so i park my car, and i walk to the main doors.
i always go through the main doors in the winter, because its so damn cold.
sometimes, if its windy, or if i care, ill go in the bathroom right to the left of the main doors and make sure i look "ok".
i then proceed to pass through the cafeteria, showing my insincere acknolwdgements to people i hardly even know or people i dont even know but somehow seem to know me.
i guess i just carry that "persona" about me.
i know nothing about you
yet you know my name and my favorite flavor of pudding
nice.
i then exit the cafeteria and pass through the halls.
ive wrote about passing through the halls before.
i always keep my head up, chin tilted towards the ceiling, back straight.
pure confidence.
that really fuckin breath-taking presence i get from people when i walk into a room
or pass a person in the halls
my hair brushed back neatly.
flexing my perfect smile
and what do people do?
look away
at the floor, or the wall.
i cant tell if its out of envy, or disgust.
or maybe a little of both.
i then proceed to go to my first class, human biology, in the theatre.
i usually stroll in 5 minutes late, for delightfulness and fuckin' taste.
i go and assume my normal seat next to diane.
and i usually ask her what i missed
and she usually says "nothing".
we then exchange meaningless comments throughout the entire class period.
half the time i cant even hear what she's saying, and i just nod nonchalantly and smile.
and i dont ask her to repeat herself, because to be quite honest, i dont really care.
3 more months, and ill never see her again for the rest of my life.
i could give a rat's ass less about what color her mittens are.
and yet for some odd reason, i still remain interested.
because i use her
and she uses me
i use her because she takes good notes, writes nice and neat, and knows how to roll with things by the book.
she uses me because she thinks i know the ins and outs of educational bullshit and how to fickle my way through something as if i was the "all knowing god" of (insert subject here) without having the douldriest clue about whats going on.
but i dont.
i am the "all knowing god" of faking that i'm the "all knowing god".
how decietful :).
i mean, come on, why do you think i'm writing in here?
when that class is over, i usually walk with diane until we part and go our seperate ways. i then walk to the computer lab.
i hate my physics class.
i avoid it at all costs.
so i go and kill time in the computer lab and make sure i show up late again to delight my tastebuds.
i walk throught the halls again, same routine
chin loves the sky
super glue grin
wave and greet accordingly
and i proceed to the computer lab
when i get to the lab, i observe the lab and see where i want to sit.
i avoid sitting within the presence of people at all costs in the computer lab.
i need at least 1 machine of "space" on each side.
so i find my seat, and i sit down.
i always check my e-mail first
i always have new mail, but its always people trying to sell me shit i dont need or ideas i dont want to accept.
go to (insert university here)
buy your (insert product here) for (insert price here)
yeah yeah.
i usually hope i get something from sara marie, or something tecmo or hattrick related.
i like reading sara marie's e-mails at about this time though.
its my routine.
even if theres not a new one (which is quite rare), ill just open up the most recent one again and re-read it.
its not that they're much "different" from the normal stuff i deal with in my everyday life in an everyday conversation.
we both still talk about stuff that either of us could really care less about each other.
girl situations
shopping
school
but, theres something about it that captivates me.
i dont have to question its intentions and purpose.
it just exists in the flesh.
no hidden agendas, no "car-salesman" smiles.
for a moment every day, i can let go.
and not have to worry about questioning something.
and this feeling of "letting go" only seems to get stronger and stronger with each e-mail that comes and goes between us.
because the more and more we get to "know" each other, even in our own little subtle cyberkinetical ways, the easier and easier it is for me to "let go" and just..............trust.
and what better time to do that than before physics.
ill often check my tecmo boards too after my e-mail, granted i have time.
those are great in their own ways.
its like high school, except you dont have to deal with it every day from 8-3.
you can come and go, post and read, login or remain anonymous as you please.
and youve got all sorts of personalities.
the idiots
the assholes
the druggies
the funny guys
the morons
the blatent hypocrites.
it is my exposure to the outer world
it is all of our exposure to the outer world.
we're from all around the US, but we all have 3 things in common:
birth, tecmo super bowl, and death.
and i love that.
when my time on mr. computer expries, i then drag myself unwillingly to physics.
sometimes i dotn hold my head high on the way to physics.
i either forget, or im dreading it that much.
one of those two things.
i usually just "black out" on my way to physics, often times just going numb, or thinking about something in a sara marie e-mail or some random topic on the tecmo boards.
and then i go to physics.
fake smile and all in hand.
pretending like im interested and i care about forces and vectors
but i dont
somedays, i think i'd rather watch the twin towers fall down
at least then i could say i was a part of something that was "positivley destructive"(as it brought our "nation" together, mind you ignorant fucks who need an explaination, im not supporting osama-wan kenobi.)
instead of meaningless physics.
for starters, myself and most people in the class question if the teacher even grasps the conectps hes talking about.
everything he takes is verbatum from books
i remember one day, i asked him to explain how "dryer sheets" worked, and he dodged the question as if he was a vietnam vet, dodging bullets in the jungles for years.
i would have just taken a "i dont know", as at least that shows some humanity
instead of a nice little bullet dodge.
zoom
i sit next to this kid dan though, hes pretty all-right. quiet and all business in class.
book smart too
funny how i always find the book smart kids in each of my classes.
sometimes i wish i had more book smarts.
then maybe i could retire after 20 years.
but then again, im just hoping ill live another 20 years.
but out of class, dan is pretty damn funny.
everyday, our walks away from physics class involve us trying to rationalise what just happened in the past hour and if we actually learned a damn thing.
and the answer usually is:
no.
we part ways later on, sometimes we'll sit at the stairs and talk for a minute or two, about basketball or something, but not that often.
i then proceed up 3 flights of stairs and go to sociology
i usually get to this class on time.
mainly because the teacher starts before shes supposed to.
i sit in the back, in the middle. my friend caleb sits in front.
caleb is a big religious kid, but hes all right.
hes a computer whiz, and he always tries to "dazzle" me with all of these computer terms that ive never heard of.
and i usually just smile and nod and say "yep, ive heard of that" even though most of the time i havent.
it makes me feel at least i have some idea what he's talking about and im in some way part of the conversation.
but i really dont, and im not really part of the conversation at all.
its nice though because he'll explain it anyways most of the time anyways just to do so.
just because ill listen to what he has to say and nod.
i dont think too many people listen to him without giving him some weird look like hes from another planet or galaxy or something.
you dont exactly develop too many social skills heat-synching motherboards and working on scuzzies your entire childhood.
its fun to watch him in a class like sociology though
caleb has never really questioned what or why he believes what he does
and to have people like myself and the teacher throw ideas around that he doesnt accept or neccessarily understand, freightens him i think.
this is easily the class in which i'm most vocal in.
the funny thing is though, the whole concept of "sociology" and the class that the teacher is trying to teach is to "expand" people minds and they're ways or thinking.
when someome like myself is almost trying to "deflate" my mind and my ways of thinking and center myself on just one way or thinking.
because its already expanded so much, there's really not very many places left to go.
so sometimes she gets frusturated when she's trying to make a point and i make a valid critique or find a flaw in her argument.
shes been doing this for 30 years
and i pick her apart like an early bird does a nightcrawler.
and feeds it to all of her little baby birdies.
i enjoy that class though, and oddly enough, i think the teacher enjoys having me in the class.
i then leave this class, often times talking with either caleb or jim, whos in "drama" with me.
i then either go back to the computer lab if i didnt get to check all my things, or i go home.
i take the long way, through all the halls.
chin up
knieviling grin
as people i pass look at the floor
i go to my car, i start it up, and i drive home.
the same route
not as many potholes on the way home though
either that or by now, my mind isn't even focused on them
im off somewhere else. numb.
the basketball game last night and my "battle scars" from it
how much i hate jj's in tecmo
the gorgeous holly
i go from "deep, contiutive, and caring" to "existance"
no awkward smiles come from my 86 cutlass supreme
only sulfuric ones that eat away the o-zone layer like a fat man at an "all-you-can-eat" buffet.
"straight, right, left, right, straight, straight, left, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, right, left, straight, left"
play that backwards, and i'm back home.
back to where i started
all that morning "work" i do everyday, my whole "routine" means jack shit
because 3 hours later
im right back to where i started
and my "day" beings........from here, i do anything and everything.
its spontaneous.
from the moment i go to bed the night before, to 3pm everyday, this is my life
my job
my routine
what i put up with everyday so someday, if im lucky, ill be able to provide for my family and drive a gas-guzziling minivan with sliding doors and a dent in the passenger side to show my imperfections to all of america when i pass them by.
not caring because ill never meet any of them in my "normal" life anyways.
they'll see my dent, laugh, and speed up.
these people will not know my name, where i live, or what kind of pudding i love.
which makes me ask the question:
if people are going to "laugh and speed up" anyways, then why do i even bother trying?
why dont i just learn to take that and accept that, and oddly enough, embrace it into my life and focus on the things that really matter to me at whatever point and time i'm at in my life?
i dont know.
i really wish i did though.
maybe someday...............i will.
and then that can be the "greatest day of my life"
evil grin
chin held high
back straight.
choose your own train tracks.
you are the conductor of your life.
************************************************************
*2-17-03*...10:43:27 AM CST
**********28************
as always, ill just start typing and thinking away and see what pops into my head.
ok.
why is it that when people are in "relationships" with other people, that they become so uberly consumed by them?
for example:
one of my "best" friends is in this situation right now.
and for the past 6 months, i can count on 2 hands how many times ive seen him, and it seems like at least half of those times, his girlfriend has called him on his cell phone.
"where have you been??"
"what are you doing?"
"who are you with?"
"when can you talk to me?"
its just makes me want to smack his cell phone across the other side of the room, and then douce in water and wrap it up in a hardee's burger wrapper and give it to some random guy for lunch.
i guess i'm a strong believer of "relationships" being a PART of your life, not your WHOLE life.
because, someday, they'll break up.
and he'll try to come running back to his "friends" like myself.
and make things like they once were before.
but they will never be the same.
as he's evolved from the person i once knew, and i've evolved from the person he once know.
and then guess what will happen most likely?
he'll go back to his girlfriend
because the only thing he once knew as different, his experiences in the "outer world", have evolved into something else in themselves.
both culturally
and spiritually.
and so he'll run back to his only sense of "normality"
and its not even the fact that its "normal"
he just evoled with it, therefore he understands it.
and this brings up another interesting quirk i never understood about relationships, and why people "get in" to relationships in the first place:
why do so many people follow the same common "ground" rules for relationships in the first place?
if you're in a relationship with someone, you have to kiss him/her all the time
you have to "hold hands" in public and private
you're not a "man" unless you're fucking the woman you're dating.
and you're not a "woman" unless you have the man you're dating wrapped around your finger like a piece of elastic bubble gum for a pippy-braided schoolgirl in a plaid skirt.
who puts up these "status" symbols and who created these cultural rules?
and should we all have to abide by them?
it seems like you dont even have to do these things or even think about them with a person until you adopt a 1-word label that owns you for the rest of your life.
"relationship"
besides, in the long run, "relationships" always seem to bring people that were close at one point and time farther apart then they'd ever think they'd be when they were dating them.
im sure we can all think of a person(s) in which this has occured.
so i say fuck "relationships", the staus, the hooplah behind it, and all the smoke and grey clouds that come with it.
take the term "relationship" and evolve from it.
so then next time you find someone you want to start a "relationship" with, sit down with that person and take you definition of a relationship, and their definition of a relationship, pour some kerosene on them, and light a match
poof
back to square 1
the beginning
start from scratch, and evolve from there.
let the domines fall when they're ready.
theres no need to push the first one over.
because how can you "build" a relationship with someone, if the term "relationship" has already been built by so many people before us who have been in relationships?
you dont exactly see many midwestern cottage-style houses being built on top of each other. (although it would be quite funny, i must admit.)
then why should we do this with "labels", like relationships, in our lives?
and i'll leave you all with that question, lodged in the back of your mind to be dug up like an old tin filled with nickles and dimes someday when you're broke.
because we all have to start somewhere
and we all have to start with something.
11:15:58
3,422 people died during this transcription from my mind to text format.
fin
************************************************************
*2-21-03*...10:06:57 AM CST
**********29************
ive said this many times before.
everyone has an addiction in their life.
drugs
sex
money
adrenaline
school
"national" tv
and because i too fall into the "everyone" category, i also have an addiction.
ive been thinking a whole lot about what exactly i'm "addicted" to, over the past 2 weeks especially.
and as i was reading a letter from a "friend", it dawned on me.
i am addicted to the computer
the internet
this little glow box that i stare at for hours on end.
checking my e-mail
reading meaningless posts on messageboards from people that i don't even "know" actually exist.
i beat my addiction on "national" tv.
now its time to beat my addiction to the computer.
sunday, im letting go of the computer as my main "leisure" activity.
no more msn messenger.
no "binge" e-mailing.
no more coming "online" and talking with people i dont even fucking know or i hardly even fucking know about factors of my life that i should be confiding in someone i care about and know very well, not just some random "internet" person.
and the same way i did with tv, im going to make some starter rules and expand from there:
rule #1: no more than 1 hour online for anything un-school related.
rule #2: i can only check my e-mail and regualr "sites" (1) time a day.
rule #3: i can only play one (1) game of tecmo per day.
rule #4: i cannot e-mail the same person more than 2 times in one week, unless it is an "emergency" situation and e-mail is our only form of communication.
rule #5: i will only go on aol instant messenger, and i can only associate with "tecmo" people on there in order for survival in my tecmo leagues. all of the people i communicate with in "real" life will be blocked. msn messenger will also be deleted from my computer.
i think thats about it.
and once again, i've grown up in a generation where the computer is an "everyday" thing, much like national tv was.
and it will be interesting to see what my life is like when i cut off my "addiction" to the computer.
and more importantly, what i become without it.
and a final note:
this is my 2nd to last scripture.
i will be writing my last scripture before i slash my computer addiction.
10:27:20
2,566 people died during this transcription from my mind to text format.
fin
************************************************************
*2-22-03*...12:26:22 AM CST
**********30************
some good things end before they grow old
but all great things end before they grow old
and this will be the case tonight.
not just in the sense that this is my final scripture
but in the sense that this is the end of my life as well.
after this, the plug is pulled.
the breakers turned off.
and i will die.
i will be done.
dead.
and because of this, i will tell you about the life that never happend.
onward
in 3 months, i will move from grand rapids to minneapolis.
i will begin a job there as a golf course attendant.
it will be a shitty job, but its money.
i wont get into the U of M, but ill go to some other local cities college
i will still be undecided in my major.
i will go to this school for a year, and it is here where i will meet the best friend of my entire life.
the sonny to my cher
the counterpart that i ever so desired forever.
and when im done there, i will go to the u of m.
however, i will not want to major in pharmacy anymore, and i will change my major to something else.
i will then go to the university for 2 years, and walk away with my 4 year degree in 5.
nice work.
it took you 5 years to get a 4 year degree.
i wonder how many people it will take for me to screw a lightbulb in.
and then, when im all doen with school, i will wonder what the fuck i want to do with my life.
and then it hits me. spontaneously.
and i move to new york city with my best friend.
and ill get a job there, a nice stable one, and we'll room together in some ridiculous apartment that we shouldnt even be living in its so god damn shitty.
and when im 25, on may 2nd, i will meet my future wife.
while waiting for the bus to take me home from work.
it will take us two years to get married.
whereas in this time that we are dating, my best friend becomes "depressed".
why, i dont know, and ill never figure out why either.
he's still the best man at my wedding though.
myself and my future wife smile.
we cut the cake together.
my mom cries.
and as we dance together at our wedding party, tall person against tall person, i realise that this is not my life.
this is not who i want to be as a person.
and with that said, i leave my best friend behind in new york.
and me and my wife move to a small house in a small town out west somewhere.
we both get nice jobs, and we keep each other happy for a little while.
but by the time im 31, things start to get tense between us.
instead of letting the little things slide like we always did, we dont anymore.
we lose a sense of who we are as people.
and at this time, on january 23rd, my dad dies.
ive always talked about those life-changing moments in your life.
well this is the biggest one in my life.
i cry at the funeral. and i wonder whats the become of myself.
and i confide in my wife that its time to have a child.
6 years after we are married, we have our first child.
a daughter
2 years later, we have another daughter
we continue our "traditional" american lives, this time with children.
ive lost all sight of my best friend by now.
as if love didnt do it the first time, two kids will make you lose sight of most everything else.
and just when i lose sight of him, he finds me.
and i see that he's changed, hes no longer depressed, and he too has adopted the "traditional" american life.
and for the first time in my life, ive achieved homeostatis.
i'm complete
i wake up, kiss my wife, get dressed, go to work, bring the girls to soccer practice and ballet respectivley, coem home, kiss my wife, pick up the girls, and we exist as a family until it is time for bed.
i have no longing for anything really
this is the pinnacle of my life.
i have achieved what my father never could achieve.
we exist in this reality until both girls are sent away to college.
im 52 by then.
my skin has wrinkled.
my jumpshot in basketball......has no jump.
my kids, the thing that has made me complete and kept me numb for 20 years of my life, are gone.
and then one day, i look into my wife's eyes, and they look exactly the same way that they looked the first time i met her when we were waiting for the bus.
but for some reason, its not as satisfying this time around.
7 more years until retirement.
i try to do everything me and my wife should have done, back when we were young, before we had children.
vacations
dance lessons
festives and balls
but for some reason, its just not the same as i would have imagined it 20 years ago.
5 years until retirement
one of my girls is now out of school.
she doesnt call much anymore.
shes also got a boyfriend who i dont care for much.
too snobby and goody goody.
me and my wife arent really married anymore.
well, we are by title, but not the way we once were.
we just seem to avoid each other.
much in the same way myself and my mom do at this very moment.
2 years until retirement.
my 2nd daughter graduates from college.
she moves to new york, in the same way i did.
when i go to visit her, i feel a sense of my old self.
my young, arrogant, cocky ways.
yet, i feel that things have changed.
as they have.
my shit apartment that i loved so much is now a nice office complex with 72 stories.
and that really pisses my 57 year old self off.
i've retired.
i dont have to work another day in my life.
all the money is in the bank and ready to go.
i decide that i want to move back to minnesota, to minneapolis.
but my wife doesnt want to.
so i stay there, but im in minneapolis more than i am at home.
i endulge in all the pleasures i endulged in when i was a teenager and had all the time in the world.
sporting events.
video games
movies.
i start spending more time with my best friend.
he's been divorced twice now, and is currently single.
we live out normal old man lives
wandering the earth without much of a sense of................anything.
just living in a world that you built, but yet you dont exactly like it all that much.
im 71 now.
i wake up one morning to the telephone.
my best friend died in his sleep last night.
i attend the funeral, and i cry once again
ive attended many funerals by now, and this is only the 2nd one ive cried at.
ive lost my compadre.
sonny and cher have split for good
there will be no johnny carson reunion.
and now, i think, is my time to go.
every since i was 15, ive always thought that if i were to die unnaturally, i'd leave with a bang.
and with that said, i devise the ultimate bang ever thought of.
it takes me two years to fully understand my plan to make it go flawlessly.
im 73 now.
i go back home, to grand rapids minnesota.
i havent been here in over 40 years.
i wander the town, looking for the first person i remember.
i find that person 3 days after arriving.
and i shoot them
and for some reason, i shoot them in a non-vital area.
i flee the scene, and i go where my old house that i grew up in used to be.
and i write about what my life would have been like had i stayed in grand rapids forever.
the life that never happend.
and then i turn the gun on myself.
matthew alrick brown
age 73
dead
cause of death:
self-inflicted gunshot wounds.
and with that, ends the life that never happend.
because tonight, is the season finale.
the character has walked into the sunset, his eyes crying.
because he knows not where he's going.
his eyes are closed, blinded by the sun
well, i know where im going with my life.
i stare into the sun, face on, and my retna's burn away until i am physically blind.
i have no fear like the character does.
i do not feel his pain.
my eyes are open.
*gunshot*
1:22:42
6,760 people died during this transcription from my mind to text format.
6,761,484 people died during the entire scripture transcription from my mind to text format.
fin
************************************************************
Remastered: *4-12-03*...11:52 PM CST
***all thoughts, ideas, and expressions are that of matthew a. brown and should not be subject to reproduction.***
"original thought is a greatest tool a human being can hold. think for yourself."
HOME
HOME
1-15