The Pants Protocol

Through careful consideration and intense deliberation (i.e. it was late at night and I was procrastinating doing calc homework) I have managed to perfect a three part, ten point, system for grading the worthiness of certain items to be placed down one's pants. Now, before I explain the intricate scoring system, there may be some questions to answer, such as,"Matt, why exactly would I want to put anything down my pants, much less evaluate its worth," and,"Matt, why are you such a devilishly attractive man, and what must I do to become your helpless snugglebunny," or even more likely,"Matt, WHAT THE #$%@ IS WRONG WITH YOU, WHY ARE YOU SO DADBURNED STUPID, DID YOU EAT PAINT CHIPS AS A CHILD?!!" For the sake of conserving time and space, I will only address the first query (although if you would like an answer to the second, send me an e-mail with an alluring yet tasteful photo of yourself attached, and I'll get back to you toot sweet, oh and do not continue reading this excerpt as it will only cause you to lose respect for me).
It's quite simple really. In fact, I thought everyone knew why. It is such a
simple reality that people often overlook it in every day life. Why would one even ask such a question? And why do I keep trying to put off answering it? To be honest, I don't really know why someone would want to put stuff down their pants. I know I do it because I have the mental development of a seven year old baboon. I also do it to annoy my room mates. Plus, there are other people out there, who, like myself, have the brains of young primates, who find such antics endlessly hilarious. So I suppose this is something you simple must decide on your own. To StIMP(Stick In My Pants) or not to StIMP. Without further ado (because, quite frankly, the ado so far has been inane and imbecilic) the grading system for StIMPing:

Shock:
The single most important factor in decide on what one should StIMP is the shock factor involved in placing said item in one's pants, or pants equivalent article of clothing (wouldn't want to offend militant feminists or the country of Scotland, now would I?). To illustrate this point, I call on my aids Marcus and Dan to perform a little skit.
*ahem*
enter marcus and dan, marcus is holding a ping pong paddle.
marcus: Oh, look, a ping pong paddle. I think I'll StIMP(Stick In My
   Pants) it.
dan: No, Marcus, I don't really believe you'll StIYP(Stick In Your
   Pants) that ping pong paddle, it would be too shocking.
marcus: Oh, yeah?
marcus StIHP(Stick In His Pants)'s the ping pong paddle
dan: *gasp*, *yell*, *shout*, and *(other such exclamations of shock)*.
   Marcus, I didn't really think you'd StIYP(Stick In Your Pants)
   that ping pong paddle. That's so shocking!
marcus: Yep, I really did StIMP(Stick In My Pants) that ping pong
   paddle.
*applause, marcus and dan bow, exit stage left, marcus hitting dan with
the ping pong paddle*
Well, I believe that quite accurately portrayed my point. For the record, the more shocking an item is, the better a target for StIYPing it is.

Danger:
Next to shock, the most important factor to consider when StIYPing something is the danger inherently incurred by StIYPing such an item.
Example: A pair of scissors, possessing a relatively sharp point, rate a 5 on the danger scale, whereas to open the scissors before StIYPing them would drop the rating to a 3. To proceed to close said scissors while you are StIYPing them would earn at least a 1, although there are several variables to consider (subtract 3 if currently in movement, an extra 2 if form of movement is riding an elephant or great plains bison, negatives are acceptable; but add three if the StIMPer is a female or Canadian, note: a female Canadian does NOT receive a double bonus of 6, that's just her tough luck, unless of course she is a pop music figure, in which case all danger ratings are an automatic 10).
In general, one wants as high a Danger rating as possible, receiving an injury from a poorly evaluated StIMP object can result in traumatic flashbacks and possibly a period of "observation" at your local mental health facility. However, your Danger rating is inversely proportionate to the objects Shock rating, so the lower it's Danger rating, the more Shocking it will be.

Humor:
Although this is listed last, it is quite possibly the most important factor, as entertainment is about the only practical application for a career in StIYPing, other than possibly politics or smuggling illegal aliens. Keep in mind that the humor to be considered is not only that of lookers on, but also your own, since this can be a fascinating and funfilled way to pass lonely evenings when you are stuck in your dorm room with nothing but your pants and all of your roommate's worldly possessions (Disclaimer: I do not, of course, site the previous example from my own personal experience, that would be wrong). The difficulty with evaluating this factor is that humor is a relative aspect, depending on several other things such as time of day, size of object to be StIYPed, and the amount of caffeine one has consumed. Keep this in mind, and remember, if it is not funny the first time, keep it up until someone either laughs or you get beaten up and ostracized by your family, whichever comes first.