Contained within this page is a set of downloadable wallpapers for your viewing pleasure, as well as a small gallery of associated graphics, which I have posted at other sites (it's mostly Spider-Man...) Simply click on the thumbnails below (after reading the elegant descriptions), and once the large (800x600) picture has loaded, simply save it to your hard-drive, or use the appropriate command to set it as your desktop wallpaper. Use your browsers BACK function to return to this page. If you have the appropriate browser, you should be able to Right-Click on the picture after it has loaded and select "Set as Wallpaper." All pictures are in JPEG format. If this causes problems, and you can't convert the picture to BMP format, then mail me and I'll do something about it. Print the pictures off, and place them around your workstations. No-one will mind (much), and they're a fun way to brighten up the office. Enjoy! There'll be more to come (as soon as they untie my arms...damn crayons...)

Matthew Craig, and THIS is why I'm not an artist, July 30th, 2001

WALLPAPER 1: Taken from www.anaglypta.co.uk, this is a genuine sample of real wallpaper. If you like it, why not paper the downstairs toilet likewise? Then take your laptop (with this wallpaper installed) to the loo for hi-hi-hilarious bomb-bay fun. That's not where you should be "downloading," Dad...

WALLPAPER 2: Another Anaglypta product, this design is not for the weak-eyed: I could only look at it for a few seconds before going so cross-eyed, Lorraine Kelly started looking like Larry Hagman.

WALLPAPER 3: Aha! This is the exact wallpaper my parents have in their living room. Yes, the very same one seen in pubs all over the United Kingdom, as well as bookshops like Galloway and Porter, Cambridge! Touch the wallpaper for an authentic psychic connection to the rest of the country! SPOT THE WALLPAPER: I have seen this pattern in numerous alehouses and stores all over this great land of ours. Join the Hip Set by printing off the wallpaper sample, taking it with you into pubs and shops, and writing down where you see it! Then, send it to me at the usual address (along with a photo if you're drunk enough!) , and we can build up a map of Mattscrew's Parents' Living Room Wallpaper Across The Country! (or not)

The Sixth Sexiest Woman on British Television! On Your Desktop! Yes, you too can recreate commercials for a famous chain of low-cost supermarkets with this customisable wallpaper! Be the Envy of All Mankind with this Beautiful Desktop Adornment!) (again...or not)

THE TRUTH WILL OUT: The Internet is (so I'm told) host to a range of smut and depravity beyond the dreams of repressed Victorian sexuality. Counteract this 19th Century malaise by printing out this wallpaper, going back in time, and inventing the Internet 150 years before Al Gore and Cap'n Crunch did.

TOYAH AND SEVEN: You've never seen them together, have you? And yet this comely cybernaut and bumptious barmaid are eerily similar-looking. Could they be twin sisters (despite one being thirteen years older than the other)? You Decide!

REVERSE CYCLOPOLOGY ("You got an ology?"): Nearly 1 in 1.16464398495 words typed into search engines across the length and breadth (and presumably, depth and time) of the land is in regards to this young lady's titpants. Rejoice in this simple fact at the same time as you impress your friends with your knowledge of Our Solar System. All the smart kids are doing it!

HONDLE: It could be fifteen years before I get around to doing something with this cartoon strip, so why not anticipate the coming avalanche with this fashionable hand-drawn wallpaper? (er, obviously, only Hondle is actually hand-drawn) See Hondle webcomics here, and be ready for the Hondle Minicomic, coming Feb 2002 from WaterCooler Comix!

MORE TO COME SOON!

SPIDEY GRIND: Yes, yes, I know. It's not brilliant. Okay. But I did it for the purposes of an article earlier this morning, and I thought I'd share the full-sized original with you. That's J. Jonah Jameson in the window. The J. Stands for "Jolly," apparently... (Spider-Man & all associated characters (C) Marvel Characters, Inc.)

"SOME BASTARDS HAVE ALL THE LUCK" DEPARTMENT: Freddie Prinze, jr., is the young star of such films as "She's All That" and the live-action "Scooby Doo" movie. He dates Buffy the Vamprie Slayer, and is regarded as something of a lucky fucker. He wanted to play Spider-Man in the Sam Raimi movie (real bad), but didn't get the part. Next best thing: Freddie is rumoured to be writing Spider-Man sometime next year. I'm sat here on the dole. And he gets to date Buffy (Who's playing Daphne in the Scooby movie), and maybe write for Spidey. On one side of the equation, I'm glad for him. Good luck to the fella.The more cross-pollination of media, the better for comics. On the other hand...I think I'm gonna write to my MP. If he ever gets to write a Spidey comic, I think it might look something like this... (apologies to Universal and Columbia Pictures, Variety, Ellis and Eisner, and Tobey Maguire)

THAT HARD-TO-READ COVER COPY: Five Beautiful, spunky women, all head-over-heels for nerdy Peer Parker! But what happens when Peter plans a reunion with his estranged wife, Mary Jane? What will these desperate women do, when they realise that time is running out? What will Felicia Hardy (Kevin Smith's THE BLACK CAT) do, in order to get her ex-boyfriend back? And what happens when Barker the Dog lets slip Peter's Secret Identity? It's girl trouble in the Mighty Marvel Manner, from Hollywood's favourite son, Freddie Prinze, jr., and Sentry Creator, Artie Rosen!

...or even this... (which actually features Spider-Man's estranged wife/girlfriend/gal-pal, Mary Jane Watson!)

THE WACKY WORLD OF MISTER BENN! Have you read of my Theory of the True Nature of Mister Benn? Then go here. When you come back, download this lovely desktop adornment to spread the word. The Truth Shall Set You Free! (Important Copyright Notice: I have no right to use these pictures for anything other than my own amusement. I can't make money out of them, nor do I want to. If you think this will cause me problems, let me know...)

FIVE HUNDRED AND COUNTING! Whee! It's been a fast two months, what? Thanks for visiting this hapless man at his place of madness. Here's a collage of some of the more memorable (and easily copied-and-pasted) moments. Enjoy! (that's not an order!)

RIPCORD MESSIAH I have a cool name. I have a cool logo. I have a story? Find out soon...

MOIR I've often thought about become a Private Investigator. But I don't think I could pull off the hard-drinking. What can I say? I have the tolerance of a nun in a porno cinema.

FOULMOUTH Not a wallpaper image per se, but I thought I'd better put it up here. Created for a joke on the Spider-Man Message Board, Foulmouth was christened "Mr. Tourettes" by a lad called CrazySugarFreakBoy. I decided that "Foulmouth" was less...heartless. Paul Jenkins (wither of Peter Parker: Spider-Man) seemed to like it. Maybe we'll see him next year. And I'll get a slice of the action, mu-hu-ha-ha-ha. Guesses as to the identity of Foulmouth to the usual address

TRIBUTE My tribute to those killed last Tuesday. In the Spider-Man comics, death plays an important, recurring role. It defines the character, and grounds him Here, I commemorate the death of many with the tears of one. New York is Spider-Man's Secret Supporting Cast member. Let's hope she gets better soon.

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY... Amelie is the story of a Parisian waitress and her search for love and meaning in her life. She lives in a delicious fantasy world, in which she helps others on the road to happiness, while obsessing over a man who steals pictures from Photokwik booths. It looks like a fantastic movie. Here's the movie poster. The short answer: Yes. The long answer: No. I have a rich internal fantasy life. This isn't wallpaper. If you've come in looking for some, then je suis desole'.

THAT UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT: When I was in Leicester, the sainted Mother discovered my stash of Rude Pictures. And showed them to my Da. And told me they were looking at them, last thing at night. Over the phone. Imagine being confronted with your worst nightmare. The lady to the left is Aunt May Parker: Peter (Spider-Man) Parker's foster mother. She's just arrived, on a surprise visit, to pick up Peter's laundry. Radioactive blood stains are hard to shift from form-fitting spandex... When Peter wakes up, he's gonna wish she'd found his nudey book collection, instead... (he's dreaming of his estranged wife, Mary Jane, of course, as played by the scrumptious Kirsten Dunst) This piece was done, in association with a title banner, for the Spider-Man Message Board. Appropriate copyrights (the artwork is by John Romita, jr) appear on the wallpaper.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! 2001, a much harder year than anyone could have anticipated, is almost over and done with. As a small token of my appreciation for all your support since I went online, here's a Christmassy piece of wallpaper for you. I apologise for the slightly unsubtle plug... Thanks for sticking with me, and my site. More to come in Two-K-Two...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, SPIDER-FRIENDS! Here's a picture I knocked up for the Spider-Man Message Board. (yes, I'm afraid I did write the poem...) Big Spidey year next year: he turns 40, and the Movie is set to rock the planet. I've gotta get a job, so I can afford all those cool Spidey Things - like Lego!