I’m sitting in my car outside his house, screaming at myself to go knock on his door, but my legs have turned to lead and I can’t move. I’ve been sitting here for an hour listening to this song and going over the conversation I had with him this afternoon. He was surprised to hear from me. Can’t blame him really, I mean, it’s been over a year and we didn’t exactly part on the best of terms.

Suddenly, I hear a knock on the car window, which pulls me out of my thoughts and I see his husband glaring at me.

".....inside?"

"Huh?"

"I said, are you coming inside or would you like to sit here for another hour?" He asked me irritation ringing in his voice.

"Asshole" I thought to myself, getting out of the car and following him into the house.

The house was beautiful, just like I knew it would be. Jeff always did have a flare for decorating and such. But I didn’t get a chance to admire his handy work cause I was being lead through the hallway and out to the backyard.

Waves of dread were flowing over me with the thought of seeing him again.

"You can sit here. He’ll be out in a minute." Christian, that asshole husband of Jeff’s, told me curtly.

"How could Jeff live with that moron, let alone marry him?" I thought to myself, "He would be much better off with......." I cut the thought short when I realised what I was saying. He could have been with me, but I fucked it up, as usual. I pushed him away from me and now I was paying the price.

I sat for what seemed like forever, but was actually only a few minutes, until I heard his voice. And then he came outside and I saw him for the first time in over a year. No mental preparation could have helped me when I saw his face. It took everything I had not to breakdown crying.

He was just like I remembered him, beautiful in everyway. Perfect.

"Jeff. Hi." I managed to choke out.

"Hi." He answered me. His voice barely above a whisper.

"So, how have you been?"I asked him, trying to make small talk.

"Look, cut the crap, you asked if you could see me and here I am." He snapped at me. Ouch. Guess I deserved that.

"You’re right, I did want to see you." I paused for a moment trying to sort out the words I want to say to him. But fail miserably and just tell him what I’m feeling. "I’m sorry, Jeff, for everything I’ve done to you."

"Look, the last thing I want from you is....."

"Wait," I said, cutting him off "Just let me finish, then I’ll leave, I promise."

"Your promises mean shit to me, Matt." He snorted.

"I couldn’t handle what you gave me," I said, trying to ignore his last comment, even though it ripped me apart inside. "No matter how hard I tried to convince myself, in my own mind it wasn’t right. Brothers aren’t supposed to have those kind of relationships. But I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I realise that now."

"You hurt me, Matt." He whispered, his voice shaking.

"I know I did, and if there was something I could do to take that pain away I would." I said, giving into the tears I’d been holding since I saw his face. "Jeff, I know you love Christian, and I’m glad you’re happy, but I need you to know that I love you too."

I stopped to catch my breath as the sobs racked my body. I could tell Jeff was crying too, but he made no move to comfort me.

"Matt, why are you doing this to me?"

"Jeff, I’m sorry, I just need to tell you how I feel."

"What about the way I feel?! Huh? Did it ever occur to you that I have feelings to?" Jeff screamed at me, "I was devastated when you finished it. I tried everything I could to get you back. I gave you space, I gave you time, I even turned the other way when you slept with that slut, Jericho, but did it do any good? No, it didn’t! ," He said, answering his own question, " And now you come up here telling me you love me? Well you can shove your love up your ass, Matt, cause I don’t want it!"

He sank to the floor, sobbing, all his energy spent at his sudden outburst. I sat in the chair startled at his anger and furious with myself for ignoring what was right under my nose. I had no idea Jeff felt that way. And it was all my fault.

I reached out to comfort Jeff, but when my hand touched him, he pulled away from me as though it was fire.

"Don’t touch me, Matt, don’t you dare touch me." He hissed, trying to control himself.

"Jeff, I...."

"Get out," He said, cutting me off, "Get out of my house, I don’t want to see you anymore."

"Jeff....."

"GET OUT!" He screamed at me, before breaking down into sobs again, "Just get out and leave me alone."

I got up and ran through the house to the front door and let myself out, crying all the way to the car. I got in and started the engine up, when the cd player kicked in and started playing that song over again. I tried to ignore it but, the more I tried, the more I listened. That’s when I realised how much the song reminded me of what just happened between Jeff and me.

I arrived back at my hotel room fifteen minutes later, with the cd in my hand. I put it in my portable stereo and set it so the song played in a loop. I sat for hours listening to it, thinking about Jeff and wondering how my life got this bad. Jeff’s word’s kept ringing in my ears, *I was devastated when you finished it.*

I thought he understood why I finished it.

We couldn’t have a normal relationship. We couldn’t go outside holding hands or kiss in the street. We couldn’t tell our friends or family. We would spend our life hiding from people and running scared incase anyone found out.

But we would be loved, by each other, and in the long run I realised that was the most important thing. Only, I realised it too late. Jeff hates me. I had hurt him to many times. And now the most important thing in my life hated my guts and there was nothing I could do to change that.

Then I got an idea. I got up and went into the bathroom searching for the one thing that would end my misery and his. When I found what I was looking for, I went back into the room and listened to the song once again.

I pushed the razor blade deep into my wrist as the song started up again. I watched as the blood poured from the wound. I quickly did the same to the other wrist before I lost all my strength. Once I was done with that wrist, I laid down on the bed and listened to the last lines of the song and thought of Jeff.

" I love you, Jeff." I said into the empty room. "Always."

THE END