"Hiding in Shadows"
When I walk into our hotel room the first thing I notice is how cold the room is.
Closing the door behind me, I throw my suitcase on one of the beds, and see Adam’s things there as well. I wonder where he is until I see the door to the balcony is open and a flash of golden hair drift in the breeze. I wander out to the balcony to see him crouched in front of the doors watching the traffic below. Some people might think it’s strange for someone to be sitting outside when it’s practically thirty-some degrees out, especially when he’s wearing nothing more than a t-shirt and jeans, but Adam never liked being shut up in a room for too long.
I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been locked in an attic for almost five years.
Dressed more sensibly in a jacket, shirt and jeans – all black - I sit down beside him, wincing at how cold the concrete underneath me is and rest my head on the shoulder of my lover, husband . . .
And brother.
Shocked? Believe me when you find out what happened to us, you won’t be.
Sitting there, the scent of his shampoo and soap filling my nostrils, I can feel him tremble. At first I think it’s from the cold but when I look up at him, I see a very tense look on his face. A look I’d only seen when something dreadful was about to happen, a look I’d grown too familiar with. "What’s wrong?" I ventured, taking his hand in mine and I’m surprised at how clammy it feels.
"Someone knows." He replied, his voice about as shaky as the rest of him.
I shove an errant strand of black hair out of my eyes before looking at him in surprise. "What do you mean someone knows?" I ask, my heart starting to triphammer.
"Aaron Williams called, wanting to do a background on us for Raw Magazine. He wants to ask us about the five year gap in our "histories"." He sighed, closing his eyes and tilting his head back. "I can’t go through all that again Matt. Just when I thought we could get past it and move on, this has to happen."
"So we lie. Tell them your parents were missionaries in Africa somewhere and I’ll come up with something as well."
"We lie." He stood, releasing my hand and looked down at me. "We lie and we lie and let him keep getting away with what he did to us. Not to mention what he did to Christian and Jeff."
"Jeff was a suicide."
"But that bastard drove him to it. He may just as well have handed him the fucking sleeping pills and said ‘Here, you’ll never amount to anything, so why drag it out? After all the money was more important than any of you ever were."
I stand to follow him inside, leaving the door open only a crack so he doesn’t feel closed in. I watch him fling himself onto the bed and stare up at the ceiling.
"How long do we have to keep paying for what he did to us?"
"He didn’t work alone." I sat on the edge of the bed, recalling the ‘punishments’ our grandfather had doled out.
"And there he is, the great Hunter Hearst Helmsley! The fucking Game! If people only knew what games he was really capable of playing. He doesn’t even acknowledge our presence."
"I know." I said allowing Adam his rants, knowing that was his way of dealing with what’s happened. He rarely spoke about that time in both our lives, but when he did, I just let him go, knowing if he did it would just lessen the chance of another night terror happening.
"If they only knew . . . but there’s no way of telling anyone without people knowing about us."
We both fell silent. I knew full well what he’d meant. Although we wrestled under different names, we were blood brothers. Though to look at us you wouldn’t think so; what with Adam and his pale blonde hair, inherited from our father and my ebony curls, inherited from our mother, but we were related and if it had gotten out about us being brothers on top of the fact that our out of ring relationship as ‘domestic partners’ was pretty well common knowledge, I’m sure you can imagine the field day the media would have. But deep down I knew Adam was right, we just couldn’t let out father get away with locking us away and practically murdering both our younger brothers. There had to be some way to get him for that while keeping our secret as well.
Question was how?
2
A couple hours later, I move out from under Adam’s arm and slide out of bed. Sliding my jeans back on, I maneuver around the room quietly as to not disturb him—God knows he could use as much sleep as he can get as the nightmares of what happened still haunt him sometimes. I remember one time we were in Detroit and he was having a night terror so bad that it took a couple of the other wrestlers to hold him down until it passed, but whenever he or I were asked what was going on, we’d fall into our old pattern of denial and dodging questions, not wanting anyone to know what had happened.
I dig quietly around my bag for a journal I’d purchased earlier that day at a Waldenbooks we stopped in to get some books to read while we traveled. Finding it and opening a package of pens I got at Staples, I walk over to the doors and, sitting at the table in front of it, used the streetlight as my main source of light. I open the journal with baited breath as the cover cracked in protest, knowing Adam would wake at the slightest sound--another result of what happened to us and staring at the blank page in front of me, I debate what I’m about to do. On one hand, I need to get all of this out of my head, knowing if I don’t I’d be just as torn up about it as Adam, but I know if this got out and into the wrong hands, all hell could break loose.
I remember when we lived with the Foleys for a while after our escape, how they’d try to get us to talk about what happened, not surprising when you find out Collette was a psychiatrist, but we never could articulate what went on, deciding to keep pushing it all down, hoping it would all go away but after what happened to Jeff and his suicide, I knew it would never go away no matter how much Adam wanted it to.
It would never go away until we dealt with it, and I know it would never go away until we faced our father and made him confess to his sins, the least of which was his poisoning Christian and rejecting his youngest son, Jeff.
Thinking of these things now, I want nothing more than to follow Adam’s example but instead, I uncap the pen, put a couple of blank pages aside as a buffer in case anyone does come across this and try to explain to whoever what went on in that attic, but first you have to understand what our lives was like before hand . . .
3
We had as normal a life as one could expect. We had a mother, a father, and for a while two little twin brothers who Adam and I jokingly called "the shadows" because no matter what we did, they always copied us and for some reason, they seemed to have picked the one of us they liked the best. For example, if I ran cannonballing into the lake behind our house, Jeff would do the same and if Adam wanted to climb a tree then Christian would do the same, but no matter what our parents tried in order to get them to switch and spend time with a different brother, Jeff would follow me and Christian would follow Adam. No exceptions to the rule. Even now, I remember the fit Jeff threw when Mom tried to make him spend time with Adam. Let’s just say, he might’ve been small but he had one set of lungs. And Christian . . . he looked at me the same way one would look at someone trying to kidnap them.
Anyways, despite the fact Mom and Dad traveled constantly as pro wrestlers and we were pretty much raised by our nanny, Sara, I always thought we were a close-knit family, but later I’d learn this would be one of the may illusions about our life to be shattered.
You probably know who are parents are: Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Chyna, but to friends and family they were just Paul and Joanie. To us they were just Mom and Dad, and though they were gone a lot, once they were home, they made it perfectly clear that the time they were home was our time, just them and us. No one else allowed. I guess it came from the fact that neither of their parents spent time with them growing up and they were trying to make up for their parents’ mistakes . . .
I pause for a moment trying to think about the things we used to do together and all I get are fuzzy images, and even then they were all about Mom. Probably because of all that’s happened I can’t allow myself to have any happy memories of Dad for fear that it might humanize him to me, make me feel like the child I had once been; loving, trusting, naïve and wanting nothing more than to forgive him for everything so I could just move on with my life. But I steel myself with the more vivid memories; the ones about the punishments doled out for simple crime of being born, the ones of watching our father carrying a sick Christian out of that room and of him not coming back, of watching Jeff go through a total metamorphosis from being a vibrant child to one in such pain he ended his life after being rejected by the man he once loved.
Then there was the now; me and Adam not trusting anyone but each other, having to calm him down after many a panic attack and night terrors. Me? The only thing keeping me sane is the hope of revenge. The chance to expose The Game for the murdering, lying bastard he really is.
I sigh heavily before returning to the journal knowing there wouldn’t be much time before Adam woke up and I don’t want him to see me writing this.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah, our childhood. Happy times? Check. Parents who loved us? (At least one of them did.) Check.
Now for the good stuff.
I remember the day Dad came home to tell us Mom had died. The house was abuzz with activity as we all were trying to help Sara get the house around and cleaned that way mom and dad wouldn’t have to bother with it while they were home. Then there was the matter of getting the twins to clean their room, believe me that was a chore in and of itself . . .
"NO!" I could hear Jeff shouting at Adam while I was tossing mine and Adam’s dirty laundry into the hamper. "I am not cleaning my half until Chris does his!"
"Well I’m not cleaning my half until you clean your half!"
Twins. Gotta love them.
Adam, the oldest of this motley bunch, tried everything from asking nicely to almost outright begging to make them do as they were told, but nothing worked. All the time, I’m checking my watch and saw we had only two hours to finish and as cluttered as the twins’ room was, I knew it was time to take drastic measures with our twin terrors. Throwing the towels we’d used for our morning showers into the hamper, I stormed to the twins’ room and glared at them. "All right you two, now we have only two hours before Mom and Dad get home and the last thing they need to see is this –" I look around the room, "pig sty. Now you two have one of two choices and neither of them are going to be pretty. You can either clean this room right now, or Adam and I are going to get the green trash bags and anything that’s on the floor or not put in its proper place is going out in the garbage. You have ten seconds to make your choice."
"Matt . . . " Jeff whined in the way most seven year olds do.
"Ten! Nine!"
"Adam!" Christian added.
"Eight! Seven!"
"Noooo!" This time it was in perfect stereo.
"Six! Five!"
"The bags are still in the utility closet right?" Adam asked me.
I nodded before continuing, "Four! Three!"
I couldn’t remember if it was the look on my face or watching Adam move from the doorway, but I swear I’ve never seen two children haul ass the way those two did, scooping and diving for anything they thought we would toss. This was a familiar ploy, but effective. "And when you two get done, take your hamper down for Sara."
I leave them to it. Adam followed. "Not bad for a ten year old."
I stop and glare at him. "Listen, Mom and Dad have enough to deal with without having to come home to one of the Wonder Twins’ messes and another thing, why did I have to get stuck cleaning our room?"
He shrugged the way most twelve year olds do when they’re feeling superior. "Just your luck Cinderella. I had to referee those two."
I roll my eyes and stalk off to finish my chores – correction, Adam’s and mine. Christ being a middle child sucked . . .
I pause again when I hear Adam mumbling something in his sleep. I wait, tensing up in preparation for either another nightmare or, God forbid, another night terror and it always started with him mumbling something in his sleep. While we were living with the Foleys the terrors would come often, sometimes two or three times a night. It got to the point where Collette, against her better judgment, would prescribe very potent sleeping pills for Adam, who’d taken them without question until Jeff used them to commit suicide. After that, no matter how hard she’d and Mick would try, he would never take another sleeping pill after that. Sometimes he would go two or three days without sleeping. Still does actually, downing anything with caffeine until it gets to the point where he’d just collapse from exhaustion. Though how he manages to get through a match without collapsing I’ll never know.
I watch him writhe as though in pain before he turns over onto his right side, his back to me. Crisscrossing the flesh women, and some men, the world over wished they could touch were thin scars from the whippings he’d taken for us. Some from infractions the twins and I had unknowingly committed and he sacrificed himself for us and some just because our grandfather was a sick sadistic bastard.
But more on that later.
I wait until I hear his steady breathing before continuing, hoping I can write about the most painful day in our life before he wakes up . . .
"I wonder where your Mom and Dad are?" Sara asked as she looked out the window of our house. It was past seven and mom and dad said they’d be home at five. Normally Sara would be gone by now, usually around four thirty when Mom or Dad would call and say they’d be on their way. She’d leave our dinner in the oven with explicit instructions not to touch the oven until our parents came home, but tonight she called her husband letting him know she’d be late and waited along with us.
"You know Sara, if you want to go home I’m sure they’re on their way."
I watched her look at Adam with a ‘you’ve got to be kidding’ look. "Nice try Adam, but I’m not leaving until your parents get home."
"You’ve done it before."
"True, but your parents haven’t been two hours late before."
"I’m hungry!" Jeff whined, slouching on the sofa beside me. Christian, the quieter of the twins, for his part said nothing but I could tell he shared the same sentiment as his twin.
"Just a few minutes more." I ruffled Jeff’s blond head. "The plane probably was late getting in and—"
A flash of light whipped its way into the living room.
"They’re here!" Jeff jumped off the sofa and despite Sara’s warning swung the door open and was surprised to see just our father coming up the walk. "Daddy, where’s Mommy?"
"Go and sit down okay Jeff?" Our father’s voice floated in before he did. When he walked in both Adam and I exchanged looks at how haggard he looked. His honey blonde hair, the same color Adam, Christian, and Jeff shared, was pulled back in a pony tail, but his face was drawn as though he was in more pain than the usual from being in the ring and his eyes were red and it looked as though he’d been crying.
It was then I felt my stomach turn to lead. Something happened to Mom was my first thought, though at the time I didn’t know how right I would be.
"Oh Sara," he said as though surprised to see her. He then looked at us. "Have they eaten yet?"
"No Mr. Helmsley, we were waiting on you and your wife."
When she said the word ‘wife’ I saw dad flinch as if hit by a chair. "Would you mind giving Christian and Jeff their dinners in the kitchen? I have to talk to Adam and Matt. Then you can go."
"Are you sure Mr. Helmsley? I could stay and get them ready for bed."
"Thank you Sara, but I don’t think we’ll be getting much sleep tonight and I don’t want to keep you any longer than I already have."
Not knowing what to say, Sara took the twins and led them into the kitchen despite Jeff’s protests.
I watched Dad try and collect himself before grabbing one of the folding chairs he and Mom used for when they had ‘the boys’ over for a poker game and pulled it up close to the sofa where we sat. Sitting down, he rested his arms on his legs and looked down at his hands. I recall sitting there wishing to God he would just say something, get it done and over with.
"Dad, where’s Mom?" Adam asked.
A deep heavy sigh came from our father before he spoke. "I’m telling you two first because I’m gonna need your help in explaining it to the twins."
"What is it?" I ask, every nerve in me on edge.
"Your Mom . . . there was an accident tonight. A stunt went bad and she got hurt pretty badly. The EMT’s and the hospital did all they could, but . . ." a pause as he wiped his hands across his face. "Boys, your Mom’s dead."
Ever have that feeling of dizziness after being hit in the gut? That’s what happened to me at that moment and when I glanced at Adam, I could see he was experiencing the same thing.
"What stunt? What went wrong?" I could hear Adam whisper, but barely.
"She was supposed to have taken a dive off the stage, nothing she hadn’t done before, but this time, she didn’t land right and her neck broke. She was fine until we got to the back and she went into cardiac arrest and.. ."
I didn’t hear the rest. I could see Dad trying to explain it to us, but it was like watching television with no sound other than the roaring in my ears.
Mom was gone. She was never coming back. No more baking cookies at Christmas, no more roughhousing on the trampoline in the backyard, no more group bedtime stories. No more Mom.
"Matthew?"
I finally dragged myself back to the here and now and saw Adam wiping tears from his face. "What?" I choked out, just starting to feel my own tears.
"I was just telling Adam that I’m gonna need the both of you to be strong with me when I tell the twins. They don’t understand the business the way you two do. They still think Undertaker comes from Death Valley."
"Well Dad they’re only seven."
"I know." He cleared his throat. "I’m gonna need the both of you here to help me with them. They’re not going to understand and knowing Jeffery he’ll have one hell of a fit."
You have no idea what an understatement that was.
I wish I could get into more detail about what happened when we told the twins about Mom but imagine everything that could go wrong doing so, from Jeff having the mother – no pun intended – of all fits complete with throwing and tearing things to Christian’s customary silence even more pronounced broken only by the heartbreaking sounds of him crying in his and Jeff’s room, not to mention Dad . . .
To be honest, I’d rather not mention Dad’s reaction not only because of reasons mentioned earlier, but because we would eventually find out the truth of our Mom’s death and his part in it.
Noting the time, I see it’s five o’clock in the morning and that Adam’s starting to move again. I capped my pen and quietly move away from the table to hide my journal in my bag before sliding into bed with Adam, who upon feeling me next to him sighed with contention and held me closer. Watching him sleep, I wonder how long the contentment would last if he knew I was writing about us.
4
One of the things I hate about being a wrestler is that no matter how different they look on the outside, the inside of an arena is always the same; gray and depressing.
I’m in mine and Adam’s dressing room on the floor stretching for my European Title match when I hear a knock on the door. "Come in," I shout, switching from my left to my right leg when I hear the door whisper open. I look up and see Shane McMahon looking down at me with that mixture of professionalism and desire before he sits on a bench across from me. It’s been no secret here in the back that he’s had the hots for me, even going as far as telling some of the boys his feelings for me, but the one thing that held him back was the silver ring around my left ring finger. Adam’s ring.
But I file away the information, knowing Shane’s lust for me would come in handy as part of my plan for revenge.
I stop stretching, lean back to look at him and watch his hungry brown eyes rake over my shirtless body. "So what can I do for you?" I ask, almost becoming ill at how obvious he is.
"Where’s the hubby?"
Normally whenever one of the boys referred to Adam as ‘the hubby’ I usually get a chuckle out of it, but when Shane says it, it makes me angry. "Out getting a caffeine fix and our intinerary. Why?"
"Just wondering."
"So what brings you by?"
"Well I got a call from Jim Cornette and he told me Raven’s been inquiring about coming back to the ring."
I sit on the floor not really knowing what to say to that.
Raven. The love of Jeff’s life, but even Raven’s total and complete devotion couldn’t save my little brother after the rejection from our father. For months after Jeff’s suicide, Raven blamed himself, even quit the biz for a while thinking it had been something he’d done, although in Jeff’s note he made it implicitly clear Raven had never been to blame for anything, that his past was just something he couldn’t deal with anymore and didn’t want to ‘contaminate’ Raven with his ‘sins’.
"Matt?"
I look up at Shane, hoping the pain I was feeling wasn’t showing. "What?"
"I was asking how you felt about Raven’s coming back. He’d go through Ohio Valley first to get the ring rust off, of course, but Dad’s really fired up about having him back."
"I have no problem with him coming back."
"I thought there might’ve been, seeing how he was dating Jeff and then his suicide –"
"I never blamed Raven for Jeff’s suicide." Which was the truth, especially seeing how ripped apart he’d been after the doctors pronounced Jeff dead.
Just another casualty of my father’s sick ambitions.
"I’ve always wondered why he did it," Shane continued. "I mean he had such a bright future. Could’ve been a main eventer one of these days."
Why don’t you ask your brother in law? I wanted to ask him, but bit my tongue.
It was then Adam walked in wearing street clothes and carrying his trademark coffee cup with him in one hand and a sheet of paper in another. He paused to glare at Shane before walking to where his gear was stashed.
Taking the hint, Shane stood, but before leaving he looked at me. "Speaking of main events, how about we get together and discuss you getting an IC title run? Say over breakfast?"
I look over at Adam before looking at Shane. "I don’t think so. I’ll probably want to sleep in tomorrow after my match tonight."
Shane glanced at Adam, who was glaring death at Shane, before finally leaving the room.
"Asshole," Adam spoke before taking another sip from the coffee cup.
"How many have you had today?" I gestured at the cup as I stood up.
"Four, but this is my first vanilla cappuccino."
"Have some?" I walked over to where he sat. He handed me the cup and after taking a sip of the frothy vanilla flavored beverage, I look at him, watching his face to gauge his reaction to what I’m about to say. "Raven’s coming back." I hand him the cup back. He drinks deliberately from the same spot I sipped from, which to him is as good as a kiss.
"That’s good. I’m glad he’s coming back."
I almost sigh in relief. "He’s going through Ohio first and then Vince is gonna set up some program for him."
"Good," he says absently. "He deserves it."
I look at him, wondering what’s got him all in a quiet state. It’s then I notice the paper in his hand. "That our itinerary?" I move my hand to take it from him.
"Yeah." Another deeper sip from the cup. "You’re never going to believe where we’re going to be a week after tomorrow."
I open the paper and feel my blood turn cold.
Greenwich, Connecticut.
We were going back to the hell we escaped from, in a matter of speaking.
I look at Adam and he has the expression of a man who just received his death sentence. I fold the paper back up, ignoring the rest of the dates.
"Think he’ll show up?" He whispers and I know whom he’s referring to.
"I don’t think so. To hear some of the old timers talk, he’s too sick to get out of bed these days."
Adam keeps staring ahead of him. "This just keeps getting better and better. First the reporter and now this." He looks at me and I see his beautiful green eyes well up with tears. "What if he does show up? What if he comes to the arena and he recognizes us?"
His breathing is coming faster. "I can’t go back there. I don’t care how much shit Vince gives me. Hell he can fire me if he wants, but I’m not going back there. I’m not!!" He throws the coffee across the room before curling up into a ball.
I try awkwardly to put my arms around him, but am only able to put my arm around his shoulder and rest my head on top of his head as his body shakes from unshed sobs. "You’re not going to want to hear this, but we have to go. We have to."
He turns his head and looks at me in disbelief. "You’re not serious?"
"Adam, honey, it’s a live SmackDown that night. I’ve got a shot against Kanyon for the US belt and you have to face Rob for the hardcore title. We pull out now and people are gonna start talking."
"I don’t care! Let them talk!" He stood and began pacing. "Let them say whatever the fuck they want! Did you see what else is going to be on the show that night? Some kind of ‘Legends’ night and guess who one of the legends is? That’s right. Our dear sainted, sadistic shit of a grandfather!"
Not having looked at anything other than the location, this took me completely by surprise. "Oh shit," was the best I could come up with.
"Oh shit is so right. He’s going to be here, he’s going to see us and he’s going to recognize us and everything we worked so hard for is going to be shot to hell!"
"He can’t say anything if he did. I mean if he said something, then we tell what he did to us-"
"And who do you think the world’s going to believe? A legend like him or a couple incestuous faggots like us?"
I sit, not knowing what to say or do, knowing without a doubt that Adam was right. Who would believe us?
5
It was well after midnight when I slip into the bathroom of our hotel room, journal in hand. For the second night in a row, exhaustion has claimed Adam, but I keep the door open just in case he starts talking in his sleep again.
Sitting myself on the edge of the tub, I uncap the pen and glance over what I’ve written making sure I haven’t missed anything before turning to a clean page. I stare at the blank page wondering if I can continue to tell this tale, but given what Adam told me about our grandfather possibly showing up on the "Legends" edition of Smack Down, I know I have to do this. Not just for my sake, but Adam, Christian, and Jeff’s.
Two days after out mother’s funeral, Adam and I had picked up the ‘shadows’ from school and were out in back watching Jeff and Christian play half heartedly on the trampoline while Adam and I sat on the tree swings Mom had put up for us. Dad was still home from the road, Mr. McMahon giving him as much time as needed to settle Mom’s affairs which there wasn’t much to settle; she left us everything and made Dad the executor of the ‘estate’ which we would inherit when each of us turned twenty-one.
I’d been idly watching Jeff try and impress everyone with his summersaults when I spotted Dad on the kitchen phone talking to someone, and judging by the looks of things, it was someone he didn’t want to talk to.
"Jesus Jeff!" Adam shouted. "Be careful!"
I looked at Adam. "What’d he do?"
"He damn near landed on his head doing a front flip."
I turned my attention back to my ‘shadow’ who looked visibly stung by Adam’s reaction. Jeff was a daredevil to be sure, nearly giving both our parents heart attacks with some of his stunts, the worst being when he had jumped too high and missed the trampoline completely, slamming onto the ground with a thud. We thought for sure he’d broken something, but wouldn’t you know it he was right back on that thing in a matter of minutes, suffering nothing worse than a bump to the head and some scuff marks. My biggest fear was that he might accidentally take out his twin while they were on there together but so far luck has been on our side on that front.
I look back at Adam. Our mother’s death had affected him profoundly. He wasn’t sleeping, barely ate anything Sara cooked for us though he was one for seconds and thirds, and didn’t speak to anyone unless it was to snap off about something with the twins usually getting the brunt of it.
"Why don’t you chill out a little?" I asked him. "You know how Jeff is when he’s on the trampoline."
He glared at me. "So you don’t give a damn if Jeff breaks his fucking neck or if he hurts Chris?"
"I didn’t say that."
He was about to reply when the backdoor opened. "Matthew! Adam!" came our Dad’s voice. "Get in here a minute."
"What about the twins?"
"Just get in here! Jeff, Christian, get off the trampoline."
I watched as they obeyed. Chris simply climbing off, but Jeff flipped himself off, landing on his feet as gracefully as any Olympic gymnast. As Adam and I walked to the house, I look over my shoulder and see Jeff and Christian climb onto the swings Adam and I were on and begin to talk to each other in the secret language that twins share.
We walked into the kitchen where Dad sat at the table. "Sit down."
We obeyed, each of us taking a seat across from him. Watching him, he looked really nervous, like what he was about to say would mean the end of the world. I know it meant the end of ours, but I’ll get back to that later.
"We’ve got problems." He looked directly at us. "I’ve been on the phone with the lawyers and it turns out your Mom’s parents are filing for custody of you guys. They say there’s no way I can be on the road and give the four of you a stable home life."
"Yeah but you and Mom traveled all the time and they’ve never said anything about before." I remark.
"It’s different now. Your Mom’s not here and they got wind of how much money she’s left you guys, so like the blood thirsty pack of jackals they are, they want custody of the four of you so they can take over her estate, small as it is."
Adam and I look at each other before looking back at dad. "They can’t take us from you can they?" Adam asked.
"If they want to bad enough they can, but I think I’ve come up with a way to remedy things."
"What?"
"I called my parents."
I had to blink at that bit of news. Dad never mentioned his parents much to us. Mom said there had been a falling out but she never let on what it was, though it was major because according to Mom, they cut Dad off without a cent.
"It took some convincing but they’ve decided to let us come and live with them for a while." He bit on his bottom lip. "The thing is, you guys are going to have to lay low while I try and convince your grandmother to let us into her good graces."
"We’ll behave ourselves, you know that." Adam said.
"I know you guys will, but . . . It’s complicated. The thing is we’re going to have to leave Cameron and move to Connecticut."
"They live in Connecticut?"
"Greenwich to be precise. That’s where I was born and raised until I got into the business and met your Mom." He must’ve seen the skeptical looks on our faces, because that’s when he began the hard sell. "I know this is a huge uprooting, but really it won’t be so bad. Once I smooth things over with your grandmother, everything will work out. I mean the Helmsley name bears a lot of power in Greenwich. Think of it, you’ll all get the best of everything. The best schools, the best connections for your future. It’s just gonna take a little time, but it’ll work out. I promise."
It would be the first of many promises he would make and then break.
"If you think it’s for the best . . ." I said, feeling overwhelmed by everything.
"It will be. Besides you don’t have a clue as to what your mother’s family is like. All they’ll care about is the money, and once they have it, they’ll have the four of you split up and dropped into foster care so fast it’ll make all your heads spin. That’s what they did to your Mom and I’ll be damned if I’ll let that happen to you guys."
He was really good with the scare tactics then because we bought it hook, line and sucker, but at the time we believed him, knowing there was no way the twins could be put through something as traumatic as being separated, though at the time we had no idea about how traumatic things would become for all us.
The week we spent getting everything around for our ‘move’ went by so fast that the plane trip to Greenwich felt like it was the only time we could relax and breathe.
Telling the twins we had to move was no small feat but once Dad had them so scared with the idea of us possibly being separated, getting them to go along was no problem. The difficult thing was having to say goodbye to all our friends and to Sara, who loved us as if we’d been her own. During this time Dad was on the phone a lot, talking to his lawyers over moving us from Cameron to Greenwich without Mom’s parents coming after us, and talking to his parents to make arrangements for our arrival.
I was in the middle of helping Jeff decide which Power Ranger he was going to bring when Dad walked by the room. "Matthew, just help Jeff pack the essentials," he said. "I’ll have Sara pack up his toys and have them sent. Are you packed yet?"
"Almost."
"Then hurry up. We’re leaving tomorrow." He left to check on Adam and Christian.
"Matt?" Jeff asked as I slid his Blue Ranger into his suitcase.
"What kid?"
"Does Daddy seem nervous to you?"
I look at the doorway he just left and hear him give Adam and Christian the same speech he’d given us. "I guess he’s just stressed out over everything that’s happened."
"Why is he in such a hurry for us to leave?"
I wish I’d asked Dad these questions at that time, but being the foolishly ignorant child I was, I didn’t think anything of it. "He probably wants to get us out of the line of fire."
"Do you think grandma and grandpa would split us up?"
"I don’t know what to think Jeff." I put a spare set of sneakers in his suitcase.
"I heard him on the phone arguing with them."
I looked at him. "You know better than to eavesdrop like that."
He looked down at his shoes. "I wasn’t eavesdropping. He was yelling. He said he’d make damn sure that grandma and grandpa would never have anything to do with any of us ever again."
If I hadn’t been so overly concerned about Jeff’s swearing, I might’ve taken what he’d told me as the first sign that things weren’t what they’d seem.
With only the two suitcases each Dad had allowed us, we left Cameron to head for the airport to catch the flight to Greenwich. I sat up in the front passenger side while Adam and the twins dozed in the back. It was dark and for some reason I felt like we were fleeing like thieves in the night.
I watched Dad focus on the road ahead while some song played on the radio. I waited until the song was over before I asked, "How long do you think it’ll be before we meet Grandmother?"
"I don’t know Matthew. From what my father said, she’s getting up in years and she’s not doing too well."
"Where will we be staying while we’re there?"
He stops at a red light before looking at me. There’s something strange in the way he looks at me. I didn’t know what it was then but recalling it now I recognize it as resentful guilt.
"Don’t worry about a thing." He tells me as the light turns green and he drives again. "All you and your brothers have to do are be good kids and let me take care of things."
I want to ask more, but kept quiet and watch as familiar territory passes by, not knowing at that time it would be almost five years before any of us, except for Christian, would ever see the outdoors out of anything but dirty attic windows.
I pause here thinking I hear Adam say something. Closing the journal, I set it and the pen I’m writing with into the bone-dry bathtub before going to check on him. Standing in the doorway I see it was only the squeak of the mattress as he turned to lie on his stomach, the top half of his body exposed.
Watching him sleep, I can’t believe how beautiful he looks when he sleeps. His eyelids flutter a little, his lips slack open and his golden blonde hair caresses the muscles of his back as they ripple when he embraces the pillow in his arms. If anyone had told me all those years ago, that not only would I find my brother sexually attractive but beautiful to boot, I would’ve laughed in your face after making gagging noises and I’m sure he would’ve done the same thing.
Amazing how situations change things.
I wait until I’m certain he’s asleep before returning to the tub and the journal, but I wait a few seconds before continuing, remembering how in order to get any privacy I’d have to hide in the bathroom. Funny how hard it is to change habits, although if I wanted privacy now I could get it just from leaving or by getting a separate room from Adam but after being so close together in that attic for five years, I don’t think I could leave Adam alone for longer than necessary. Not that I’m afraid he might do something to harm himself, but because I’d miss him the way someone would miss breathing.
Pushing my sappy thoughts aside, I reopen the journal and now give you an introduction into our prison.
It was a three-hour flight from Raleigh to Greenwich but once again we had to wait until dark before leaving the motel Dad sequestered us in. We waited outside and compared to Cameron, Greenwich was chilly to say the least as we all stood around wearing the heavy coats Dad bought for us the day before we left.
"Who’re we waiting for Daddy?" Christian asked, which even took Dad by surprise since he was the quietest of the four of us.
Dad crouched down and looked at the twins. "Grandfather’s sending a car to pick us up and then we’re gong to the house."
"But why’re we going at night?" Jeff’s turn.
"Because if we went during the day, it would just distress your Grandmother. This way we can slip in and when it’s time, we can surprise her."
"What do you mean, ‘when it’s time’?"
Dad stood to look at Adam. "I told you guys that she wasn’t feeling all that well, but it’s nothing serious. When she gets better and is up to a surprise like this, then I’ll introduce all of you to her."
I was about to add my two cents I when a dark Sedan pulled up no more than three feet from us, almost nipping the twins with its bumper. We watched as a man got out of the car. He was about Dad’s height and build, though his looked doughy with age, silver-gold hair and a hard mean look to him. I saw Dad tense up as the man stood in front of us, raking his eyes over us like we were nothing more than garbage to him.
"Are these them?" he looked at our Dad.
"Yeah."
He then glared at me. "Sure this one’s yours?"
I looked wide-eyed at Adam and Dad. Adam was just as shocked by the question, but Dad . . . he just sighed. "Yes. He just takes after Joanie-"
A hard crack split the air as the man’s hand backhanded our father’s face. We just stood there in shock and the twins each gave a little whimper, which was silenced by a glare.
"Don’t mention that whore’s name in my presence again." He looked at us. "Any of you. Now get your stuff in the trunk and get in the car."
I’ll say this much about our Grandfather, he knows how to leave an impression.
Throughout the drive not a word was said but plenty of ugly looks came our way from the driver. Most of them directed at me.
"They in school?" He asked our father who sat up front with him.
"Yes." Dad replied in a voice that sounded weird to us.
"How smart are they?"
"Very."
"Let me rephrase that. Can any of them count past one?"
"Yes."
I don’t know what pissed me off more; the fact this complete stranger who claims to be our grandfather was insulting us or that Dad was letting him. When I looked over at Adam I knew he was having the same thoughts I was.
"Well I fucking hope so. It’d be nice to know you didn’t create a pack of retards." He glared at me. "Though with that one, I guess blood will tell."
I bit the inside of my mouth and hoped the tears pricking my eyes didn’t show because I’d be damned if I was going to give this bastard the pleasure of cowing me the way he seemed to have Dad. I felt a gentle squeeze on my hand and looked to see Adam give me a slight ‘don’t let him get to you’ smile. I wish I could’ve returned it, but I was more angry than anything.
"How’s mother?" Dad asked.
Grandfather snorted. "How nice you show her some concern now, seeing how she’s near death. Where the hell was that consideration when you took off and married that whore?" A pause. "Well if you must know, she’s still hanging in there, waiting for you to come home."
"Can we meet her?" came Jeff’s innocent question.
"Did I tell you to speak brat?"
Jeff curled closer to me. I wanted nothing more than to haul off and smack the old bastard, but from the rear view mirror I saw my Dad’s pleading look to not start trouble.
"Christ Paul, not only did you have to create a pack of brats but a bunch of unruly ones at that. God you’re pathetic."
I saw Dad try and keep his composure, though it looked to be a losing battle. Luckily we had reached the house by this time.
The house.
To say it was a mansion would be the understatement of the millennium. In the darkness and with what little we saw courtesy of the headlights, it looked more like a University hall than a home. It was about two city blocks long and wide with a winding driveway, which led to the front of the house. In later years, when I made the drive by myself to see what it looked like in daylight, I saw it was red brick Victorian Tudor style with windows by the back load.
We began heading up the drive but instead of getting out at the front of the house, grandfather drove us to the back of the house, the ‘servant’s entrance’, if you will.
"All right," he spoke. "Get your lazy asses out of the car and get your things. And God so help me, if any of you make so much as a sound to disrupt this house, I’ll blister all your asses."
That got a wide-eyed response from the twins, who moved quickly, even more so than when they cleaned their room the day Mom died. Adam and I, with a little help from Dad, got the suitcases out of the trunk and with as much stealth as six people could muster, made our way through the kitchen to the front foyer where we climbed the stairs to get the second floor.
I would’ve loved nothing more than to take my time and look around at all the expensive things around us but Grandfather’s stern looks and whispered "hurry ups" barred anything like that from happening. Naively I thought we’d have plenty of time once Dad smoothed things over with Grandmother.
We paused at the end of an empty hallway as Grandfather took a key out of his pocket and unlocked the door. "Get in," he ordered as he flicked the wall switch to turn on the light in the room, if that’s what one called a room barely the size of a motel room.
Inside there were two full sized beds, a chest of drawers and a table with four chairs around it. Entering the room, we set the suitcases down and looked around.
"Luckily this part of the house is closed off," grandfather spoke. "But that doesn’t mean you have the right to make any noise, so if I hear any complaints about noise from any of the servants, you’re all in trouble." He looked at Dad. "Especially you."
It was about now Adam and I took the twins’ coats off and ushered them to one of the beds.
"What the hell do you think you’re doing?" Grandfather demanded.
"Just getting them ready for bed."
"Put them in separate beds."
"What?" I asked.
"You heard me. Separate beds."
Adam and I looked at each other and did as ordered; him taking Christian to the bed by the attic door and my keeping Jeff at the bed by the bathroom door.
"And if I catch either those two sharing a bed or you two sharing a bed, I’ll whip you all within an inch of your lives."
I looked at Dad, wondering why he wasn’t saying anything in our defense, but he looked robotic.
"Right. Now the clocks by your beds are set for six thirty every morning. Breakfast will be at seven. I expect all of you to be showered, dressed and presentable by then. If not, then I will turn right around and none of you will have any meals that day. Am I clear?"
"Yes sir." Adam and I replied.
"And you two?" he glared at the twins, who were too afraid to speak. "Well? Do we have to start your first night here with blistered asses?"
"Just say ‘yes sir’ Jeff." I whisper in his ear the same way I’m sure Adam was saying to Christian.
"Yes sir," they both echo.
"Good. I’ll have a list of rules ready for you in the morning." He looks at our father. "Let’s go."
Dad looks at us like he wants to say goodbye but seeing the stern look on grandfather’s face, he meekly follows him out of the room before the door closes and we hear the turn of the lock’s tumblers telling us the door was locked.
And that life as we knew it was over.
I close the journal as I feel my hand cramp up from the writing. I look over what I’ve written and find that it’s barely intelligible which is fine with me, as I don’t want anyone but me reading this. I get off the edge of the bathtub, my muscles complaining for having to sit the way I did so soon after my match with Diamond Dallas Page and walk into the bedroom where Adam is still sound asleep. Thank God.
I hide the journal and pen in my bag before slipping into bed next to him. I run my hand over his back feeling the smooth scars and wishing I could smooth away the pain we’d both suffered.
"No, Dad . . ." I hear him mumble. "Dad, stop . . ."
Afraid another night terror might be coming on, I lean closer so I could whisper in his ear. "It’s okay Adam, it’s me, it’s Matt. You’re okay now. You’re with me."
"Matt..?" he mumbles.
"That’s right. It’s me." I kiss his temple to prove my presence to him.
I hear him sigh before his body relaxes. I lay there, my head between his shoulder blades, my hand caressing his arm and wonder what he was dreaming about Dad for.
6
"You sure you’re up to eating?" Adam asks me the next night as he’s driving the rental trying to hunt down an all night restaurant. After two nights of rest he’s back to being on full speed, which probably means I won’t be working in the journal tonight.
Me, I’m on the passenger side making sure my insides were still inside after the gore I’d gotten from Rhyno earlier. He tried to nail my opponent, Chris Jericho, but got me instead and I was still feeling the effects. I almost say no because of the slight nausea from the gore but the gurgling in my stomach convinces me otherwise. "I’ll be okay as long as I don’t have anything heavy."
"Maybe I should let Vince give me a match against him so I can show him how it’s done."
I smile lazily. That’s Adam for you. Protective till the end.
We spot a few of the other wrestler’s rental cars in front of a Denny’s and decide to pull in there, wanting to see some friendly faces. Adam helps me out of the car and we walk in to what some people would think was a hell of a party with some of the guys horsing around, teasing the waitresses and gathered in cliques like a high school field trip. Finding an empty booth, I slide in while Adam excuses himself to use the bathroom, pausing briefly to speak with Kurt Angle about tagging together some night.
Asking for and getting a ginger ale, I read over the menu to find something light to eat when I glance up and see Mark and Glenn walking in. I wave hello and they walk over.
"Mind if we sit here?" Mark asks, gesturing to the empty seat across from me.
"Sure. Adam won’t mind."
They slide in. It’s weird seeing Glenn without his Kane mask but the sunglasses he wears makes sure no one recognizes him.
"How is Adam anyway?" He asks looking at the menu meant for Adam.
I forgot to mention it was Glenn and Mark who helped me with Adam in Detroit.
"Better. He hasn’t had any nightmares since then."
"Nightmares?" Mark says before ordering coffee and a Grand Slam Dinner for himself. "That was no normal nightmare. We thought you were trying to kill him when we heard him screaming like that."
"Well, I have been tempted," I joke.
"He ever tell you what they were about?" Glenn orders a steak sandwich, before setting Adam’s menu down.
"No. He doesn’t talk about his past much." I sip on the ginger ale, sliding so easily into the act Adam and I had perfected of letting people think we’re not related other than by partnership.
"Think that’s a good idea? I mean marrying him when you don’t know anything about his past." Mark asks.
"I figure he’ll tell me about it in time."
"Well at least find out what’s been giving him these ‘nightmares’ as you call them. He goes off like that again, you might not be so lucky to have anyone help you the way we did."
I knew what was giving Adam his nightmares, but I wasn’t telling either of them. "Listen when I married him, I said I’d be there for better or for worse and I take my vows seriously."
"We’re not questioning your integrity," Glenn tried to smooth over, "but maybe there’s some childhood trauma he never told you about that may be he should see someone about."
I was about to thank them for their concern when a loud burst of laughter cut into my thoughts. The three of us looked over at a corner table by the window to see whom it was coming from and if I wasn’t feeling nauseous before, I was when I saw who was laughing the hardest.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley.
Our father.
He sat in the middle of a crowd that contained himself, our stepmother Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, Rob Van Dam, Paul Heyman, Tazz, Kanyon, and Shane McMahon who looked over at me and smirked.
I rolled my eyes and returned to find something to eat just as I felt Adam slide next to me. "Hey," he greeted Mark and Glenn before ordering the first cup of coffee there but the sixth overall today.
"Boy aren’t you worried about your blood pressure from drinking all that coffee?" Mark asked.
"Nah. You know what they say, so many coffees, so little time."
"Who said that?" I asked as I see Shane make his way over to our table. I sigh heavily and see Adam looking as though he’d spear him right here and now.
"Gentlemen." He nodded. "So how’re you feeling Matt?"
"I’m fine."
"I’m surprised to see you here after that nasty hit you took from Terry."
"Well my hunger overrode my judgment."
"Speaking of hunger," Shane grabbed an empty chair from another table, spun it around so he could straddle it and sat down. "How hungry are you for some gold?"
"I don’t think gold is one of the food groups."
"It is here. Listen, I feel you’ve done all you could with the European title. How would you feel about some IC gold?"
"I think we’ve been through this already."
"I know, but it never hurts to go over it again. This time over lunch tomorrow?"
I gaze at him in surprise. I can’t believe the asshole is trying to hit on me in front of Adam, but then again what can you expect from a McMahon?
"We have plans tomorrow." Adam informs him.
"What could be more important than discussing your future here?"
"Maybe an anniversary."
Oh shit, I almost forgot. Tomorrow is mine and Adam’s commitment anniversary. I’ve been so wrapped up in the journal and trying to figure out how to get back at our father that it totally slipped my mind.
"Congratulations." Shane’s tone belies the expression I see on his face. "How long has it been?"
"Five years." Adam looks at me. "Five fabulous years." It’s then he leans over and kisses me. It’s tender, but possessive as though he was trying to prove a point to the ‘boy wonder’ as to whom I truly belong to. He then pulls away and looks at Shane. "And don’t try to book us for anything because I’ve cleared it with your father."
Shane threw his hands up. "Hey, who am I to stand in the way of true love? But we will have to discuss your IC title run though Matt and soon."
We wait until he leaves before Mark says, "Damn he’s persistent isn’t he?"
I say nothing until I give my order for a kid’s meal, the only thing my bruised stomach can take right now. I look at Adam and I see he’s staring in the direction of where Shane and his ‘court’ are sitting, but it’s not Shane he’s glaring at, but Dad and as he does so I can see his hand shake as if the sight of Dad terrifies him. I take his hand in mine and give it a gentle squeeze. He looks at me and smiles before placing his order. We sit there talking casually with Mark and Glenn, but he still glances over at Dad from time to time and I wonder why seeing Dad scares him so much, while seeing him makes me angry.
7
"Feeling any better?" Adam asks me once I’m settled on the bed.
"If you mean can I breathe, then yeah. I make no promises about anything else."
I’ve changed from my street clothes into an ‘Attitude’ t-shirt and sweatpants, not wanting anything tight around my bruised abdomen right then. After some fussing from Adam, I’m now laying in a reclined position with both his and my pillows to lean back on.
"What are you going to sleep on?" I ask him.
"My arms. It’s not like I haven’t done it before." He says as he undresses to take a shower.
"Will you take at least one pillow?"
"No. Matt, you just got gored and I know how painful it is trying to sleep afterwards. So just lay there and watch a movie." He hands me the remote. "I’ll just be a couple of minutes."
"I’m not going anywhere."
I lay there flipping channels not really paying attention to what’s on, the channels flying by in a blur. Finally stopping on a tired "Real World" rerun, I look longingly over at my bag that contains the journal I’m craving to work in tonight. It seems ever since I’ve started letting the memories come out, I’ve wanted to write more and more to let the demons out of my head but due to other commitments and the fear of Adam finding out I haven’t been able to.
Hearing the bath water run, I debated wanting to get up and get the journal, knowing Adam might be a while, having started taking long baths after we left the mansion of horrors and craving the feel of the pen in my hand, I decided to bite the bullet and make a go for it.
Lifting myself to a full sitting position, I let out a small gasp of pain and my abdomen made its complaint known to me. Letting the first sharp pangs subside, I stand and walk over to the table where my bag sits. I open it and dig toward the bottom of the bag where the hardback book sized leather bound book sat. Once that’s in hand, I dig for the pen I’ve been using and see the ink is almost halfway gone. I dig into the bag again for a fresh pen and with everything in hand; I walk toward the bed where, after some pain and difficulty, I manage to get settled in hoping to write what I want to before Adam comes out. Finding the page I left off on, I uncap the pen and start to write about the morning after our arrival.
There hadn’t been such a flurry of activity in getting up, showered and dressed, as there was that first morning after we arrived at our Grandmother’s house.
Both Adam and I had woken up long before the alarm rang, giving us a chance to get ourselves ready before facing the daunting task of getting the twins around, especially Jeff who was notorious for not getting up until the last minute.
And today was no different.
Adam had Christian in the bathroom brushing his teeth while of course I was left to deal with my little shadow’s petulance.
"Don’t wanna get up now," he pouted before covering his head with the cover.
I yanked the cover down and got a whine for my efforts. "Jeff either you get up now or we’re not going to get any breakfast."
"Don’t care. I wanna go home!"
"We can’t go home. Now get up!" I was really getting nervous because the alarm had sounded and it was now quarter to seven.
"No!" he shouted at me.
Now realizing our grandfather was no one to trifle with, I did something I swore I would never do and lost my temper. I grabbed Jeff’s arm and yanked him awake.
"Oww!" he howled. "Matt, that hurts!"
By now Adam had stepped out of the bathroom. "What the hell’s going on?"
"Matt tried to break my arm!"
"Maybe if you woke up when I told you to I wouldn’t have to!"
"All right!" Adam snapped. "Knock it off!" He looked at Jeff. "Look Jeff, I’m not too happy with the way things are right now either, but we promised Dad we’d behave ourselves and that includes getting up when we’re supposed to. Now you’ve got about . . ." he checked the clock. "Ten minutes to throw some clothes on before Grandfather come with our breakfast."
"What about a bath?" I ask him
"We don’t have time." He says to me as he grabs some things out of Jeff’s suitcase that I had opened and hands him a shirt, jeans, and sneakers to put on. "Now go in the bathroom and get dressed. Quickly."
Jeff looks like he’s about to complain before he catches the serious look Adam gives him and hurries into the bathroom just as his twin is exiting. As Christian looks for a stray sneaker in his suitcase, Adam grabs my arm the same way I had Jeff’s.
"Ow!"
My cry startles Christian who looks at the both of us.
"Your other shoe’s under your t-shirts," Adam tells him gently before he drags me to the other side of the room.
"Now you know how Jeff felt." He hisses at me.
"I was only trying-"
"Shhh! Now I’m telling you the same thing I told Jeff. We promised Dad we’d behave and the last thing we need is you going off on Jeff like that."
"But-"
Again I was silenced. "No, I don’t want to hear it. The twins are scared enough as it is, the last thing they need is to have one of their older brothers play the bully."
"Fine thing coming from someone who’s been snapping at them ever since Mom died." I countered.
"At least I’m not manhandling them. Now just keep your temper under control for the time being."
"Fine." I shake my arm away from his grip as Jeff comes out of the bathroom. He looks at his twin, who just shrugs while tying his shoelaces, before looking at me with uncertainty.
I look at Adam before walking over to where Jeff stood. I give him a quick hug and whisper, "I’m sorry", which he accepts before stepping back. "I look all right?" he asks.
"You look fine." I assure him. "But we can’t go through this every morning okay? When I tell you to get up, you have to okay?"
He nods at me, his emerald green eyes serious as we hear the tumblers in the door lock turn. By the time the door opens, Adam and Christian are over by where Jeff and I stood. At first we’re shocked by the sight of a dark haired man bringing in a tray with four covered plates on it, which he sets on the table before leaving. It isn’t more than a second of his leaving that our grandfather walks in the room. He looks around the room in disgust.
"Not even here twenty-four hours and this place looks like a fucking dump. Christ." He looks at Adam and me. "I would think you two would know better." He then removes a folded slip of paper out his breast pocket and holds it up. "Now on this paper are the rules I’m setting forth. If any of you and I mean any of you-" he glares at the twins, "-disobey these rules, I will not only punish the perpetrator but all of you with extreme prejudice. Now any questions?"
"Where’s Dad?" Adam asked.
"Your father will come by later. I believe he’ll have something very important to tell you. Anything else?"
Adam shook his head.
He then looked at the twins and me. "Well, any of you got any smart remarks to make?"
I shook my head, as did the twins.
"Good." He laid the paper on the middle of the table. "Now Gerald will be bringing your lunch at noon on the dot. If any of you are not present and accounted for, he’ll turn right back around and then there’ll be no lunch or dinner. Am I clear?"
We nodded.
Another evil glare this time directed at me before he leaves, locking the door behind him. We all hold our breaths for a minute to make sure he didn’t double back for another helping of venom before we all relaxed enough to head for the table. Adam and I sat across from each other, as did Jeff and Christian. We remove the covers from the plates and are surprised to see a halfway decent breakfast underneath of eggs-sunny side up-toast, two sausage links and a glass of orange juice. Looking back now, I honestly thought Grandfather was going to pull a "Baby Jane" on us and give us dead rats for breakfast.
Christian wasn’t overly thrilled with his eggs, preferring his scrambled, but ate them anyways after watching Adam eat his, even mopping the yolk with his toast the way Adam did. All the while we ate, we found it hard to keep our eyes off the folded paper sitting there like a time bomb ready to go off.
Deciding to put us out of our misery, Adam picked up the paper and looked it over. I watched his expression go from serious to disbelief to confusion and back to serious. "What is it?"
He shook his head. "The old guy’s off his rocker." He hands me the paper and after reading it, I know Adam was right on that account.
I can’t remember the all the rules he’d given us but here are some that stick out in my head:
And here was the lulu of them all:
All in all there were about fifteen rules in all but those were the ones that stick in my head the most. Though as time went on it seemed that our grandfather was the kind of guy who made things up as he went along.
I looked at Adam and wonder just what the hell had our father gotten us into, a thought I was sure was running in his head as well.
I was so wrapped up in my writing that I didn’t hear Adam come out of the bathroom until he asked me, "What’re you doing?"
I jumped slightly at the sound of his voice and slammed the book shut. "Nothing."
I watch him walk around wearing nothing but a towel over his slim hips and feel my hormones slowly kick in, grateful that the journal on my lap was hiding the erection I was starting to have. Adam has this feline grace about him as he walks, something I noticed some of the other wrestlers making notes on, and with the way he looks right now; damp hair hanging down, his body flushed and almost naked . . .
Do you have to ask why I fell in love with him?
I watch him dig in his bag for his boxer briefs and watch him slide them on before removing the towel.
"I don’t know why you’re bothering wearing anything," I tease, hiding the journal and pen under some of the pillows. "You know they’re going to be off by the time the night’s over with."
He looked at me and chuckled, a sound so deep and rich I almost came right then. He then walked over to the bed and got in next to me. "So what were you writing when I came in?" He curled up close enough to me to whisper in my ear.
"Nothing important." I try to dismiss when an idea hits me. "I thought it’d be nice to keep a journal of our travels so when we’re a couple of decrepit old queens we can look back at how young we were."
Another throaty chuckle. Christ what was he trying to do, kill me?
"You’ll never be decrepit to me." He whispered, rubbing my bruised abdomen through the t-shirt. "You’ll always be the same beautiful creature you are now." He kissed my cheek. "How’re you feeling?"
"Horny." We both laugh.
"I meant how’s your stomach feeling?"
"Better."
"Good, but this doesn’t mean I’m not going to nail Terry for this."
"Adam, he’s apologized a thousand times already." I refer to when Terry stopped by the room before heading to his and Tommy’s room. Adam was about to gore him through the wall until I stepped in between them. "Besides, he was supposed to do a run in tonight."
"To take out Chris, not nail you in the process."
"Shit happens." I twine my fingers in his hair, loving the damp silkiness of it.
"Should be our family’s motto." He murmurs, nuzzling my neck.
I say nothing, just savor the feel of him near me. His lips eventually make their way from my neck, to my cheek, to mine. Lying there, I’m dizzied by how good he tastes and how soft his lips are, just like they were the first night we kissed in the attic. I force all thought of the attic out of my mind as I lay there prone to his touches and his mind numbing kiss.
It isn’t long before he has the front of my shirt raised and I could feel his hand on the bare skin of my stomach causing it to contract almost painfully from the heat of his hand there.
"Just relax," he tells me before moving his head to where his hand was. I let a low moan escape from my lips as his kiss the injured area and leave little trails of wetness on each of my ‘six-pack’.
"Don’t stop . . ." I whispered, leaning back fully on the pillows. By now his lips were making their way toward the hardness making its presence known through the sweatpants. He licked the area around my navel before looking up at me with the same ‘you want me’ look he gives the crowd night after night. I’m not sure what he’s up to until I feel his mouth on my sweatpants, as though he was trying to devour my cock through them.
"Oh fuck!" I gasp as he gently gnaws on the hardness making the front of my sweatpants wet. By now all reason and cohesiveness has left my mind. All I could think about is how badly I want Adam’s mouth on my cock.
"Getting a little excited Matt?" he looks up at me with that damn smile on his face.
"Yes."
"Would you like me to taste you?"
"You know I do."
"What do you say?"
I sigh. We’ve played this game forever and I know how it goes. "Please?"
"Please what?" His green eyes are glittering now.
"Please suck me." I rasp huskily. "Please?"
"Since you asked so nicely." He moves onto his right side and slides my sweatpants down. With a gasp, I feel my erection spring free, but not for long as Adam’s tongue begins its torture beginning at the tip, dipping the tip of his tongue into the tip of my cock lapping at the pre-cum like a kitten with cream. Eventually he begins wrapping his lips around the head, and treats that as though he were sucking on a blow pop.
By now, I’ve arched my back, ignoring the pain in my abdomen and was running my fingers through my hair, the feel of his mouth on me so intense I feel like screaming.
But he continues to torment me by running the tip of his tongue down the sides of my cock the way one does when licking an ice cream cone.
"Fuck," I gasp, wishing he’d just put me out of my misery.
"Not tonight sweetheart," he says. "Not with you hurt like this."
I wanted to say I wasn’t hurt that badly when I feel his mouth finally take in all of me. Unlike from what I hear from the other guys about their boyfriends and girlfriends, Adam doesn’t suck on it like there was a race to be won. God no. He takes his time, sometimes only coming up inch by inch then going down the same way, making me want to rip his hair out for taking so long and making me want to hate myself for wanting to rush something so good. I reach down and twine my fingers in his hair again, to show him how much I’m enjoying this when he totally changes course and takes his mouth off my cock, blowing on it a little before turning his attention to my now hypersensitive balls, rolling them with his fingers and nipping on them.
By now I’m nothing more than molten liquid, rendered helpless by his mouth but my blood so hot I’m afraid of self-combusting right then. I tilt my head back and close my eyes. "Oh God Adam," I chant over and over like a prayer as he continues his manipulation. His lips are now on the V of my hips, the kisses so soft I’d swear he wasn’t doing anything until I could feel his tongue leaving little wet spots like little brandings marking me for life.
He makes his way back up to my lips where the taste of me is on his lips like flavored lipstick. By now my breathing is beyond my control as though I’d been taken over completely. At turns I’m panting, especially when he kisses me so hard it sucks the oxygen out of me and the other turn it’s so ragged that at one point he looks at me in concern. It’s here where I whisper, "Finish me. For the love of God Adam finish me now!"
He gives me that cocky ass smile again before returning to my erection, but not before pulling one last trick out of his bag. He spreads my legs slightly, nudging my left knee up. He then takes his right middle and ring fingers and sticks them in his mouth until I can see the saliva glistening on them. I’m so hypnotized by watching him that when I feel him press the fingers into my opening I gasp, not out of pain, but by surprise at how deftly and painless the insertion is. He moves the fingers in and out of me caressing my prostate gently while he takes my cock in his mouth, finger fucking me while blowing me.
I don’t think that mere words can describe the feeling I was having right then other than I became nothing more than a blithering idiot as along with the invasion of my anus and the sucking of my cock, he’s moving his free hand up under my left thigh, his fingers grazing the inner thigh, and over my left ass cheek, while his right thumb was rubbed my balls moving from one to the other but I do remember saying something along the lines of "Oh God, don’t stop!" though I was completely unaware I was practically screaming it as my body bucked underneath him, the pain in my abdomen long forgotten. I felt like an eternity though it was only minutes later before I felt myself stiffen and felt my come pour out of me into Adam’s greedy mouth.
"Oh God yes!" I sobbed as my body finally gave in and became limp. By now I was so dizzy I thought the room was spinning and I had to run my hands over my body to make sure I was still here and that this had indeed happened and wasn’t some sort of blissful dream. I had paid no attention as Adam slid off the bed to wipe his fingers off using the baby wipes we use while on the road, but he wasn’t gone long as his lips pressed against mine again. I opened his mouth so I could get the full taste of me in his mouth, heavy and salty.
"God I love you so much," I gasp as we broke the kiss.
"I love you too," he whispers in my ear nuzzling my neck as he holds me to him. I feel his own erection press against my leg and I let my hand wander down to return the favor, but just as my fingers are brushing against it, he stiffens as if scalded and moves back away from me, startling the both of us out of the erotic daze we surrendered to only seconds ago.
I see the fear in his eyes and it frightens me. "What’s wrong?"
He tries to return to normal though there is a trace of uncertainty there. "Nothing. I’m fine."
"Fine? You just jumped out of your skin when I touched you."
"I’m sorry, you just startled me."
"Okay then," I turn on my side which is no mean feat given the many pillows I have under me. "How about I return the favor?" I slide my fingers down his smooth sculpted chest, but his hand stops me again just as I reach his waist. I’m confused by his reaction. "Adam what is it?"
"Nothing." He takes my hand and kisses the palm. "Tonight, it’s all about you. My giving you pleasure."
The problem was he was giving me all the pleasure. I know some of you think ‘You should be happy he thinks so much of you’, but frankly I just want to return the favor from time to time, yet every time I do he gets scared, like I’m going to hurt him which hurts me if that’s how he thinks.
"Maybe I just want to give you some of the pleasure back." I tell him, taking my hand from his and stroking some of the damp strands away from his handsome face.
"Matt, making you happy is enough pleasure for me."
I nip the bottom of my lip. I want to get into this further, I want to know why he didn’t want me to touch him, but seeing him awkwardly try and rest his head on my pile of pillows and look at me with so much love that it hurts, I decide to let him keep his secrets for now.
But I will find out what he is so afraid of. Of that you can be sure.
8
I’m wandering around a department store wondering what to buy Adam for our anniversary without him thinking I’d forgotten. After thinking of everything from a leather jacket, since the weather was starting to turn chilly, to a silk pajama set, I find myself looking through the case of a jewelry counter debating whether to go with a necklace or a bracelet. Adam never wore much jewelry; just a watch Jeff gave him for his birthday when we lived with the Foleys and his commitment ring.
I decide to look for a chain to hold the one reminder of Christian he had; an antique silver cross Christian had somehow found in one of the trunks in the attic and had given Adam for his thirteenth birthday, the first of five in the attic.
I ask the clerk if I could see the different sizes of silver chains and am looking them over when I hear a voice behind me.
"You’d really look great in silver. It goes with your coloring."
I look next to me and see Shane standing there with a bag in his hand and that sickening smirk on his face. I ignore him as I tell the clerk which size of chain I want and asked if it could be prepared to hold a cross. The clerk offers to show me the variety of crosses they have but I tell him that I already have one and that the chain is to replace one that had been broken. As the clerk takes the chain and begins to fix it, I look at Shane. "What do you want?"
"Can’t I come over and say hi?" He watches the clerk. "Buying an anniversary present for the hubby?"
"His name’s Adam and yes, I’m buying him a present."
"A cross huh? Never took either of you to be the religious sort."
"Not that it’s any of your business, but Adam’s brother gave him a cross before he died and it means a lot to him." God it hurt not being able to call Christian ‘our’ brother. It felt like I was denying his presence in my life, but the act must go on.
"Sorry to hear that."
"I just bet you are."
"Listen I know I come off as an arrogant asshole sometimes but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart."
I say nothing, knowing that comment was debatable.
"Listen," he continues. "Since we’ve run into each other, how about we discuss that IC title shot over some coffee and Cinnibuns."
"No thanks."
"You must not want to go far in this business."
Not if it means having to sell my soul to you, I refrain from saying as the clerk returns. I look the chain over and ascertain my approval before he wraps it up and I pay using my credit card, which feels weird when I see the name "Hardy" on it, the name Jeff and I gave ourselves to put the past behind us. A past that killed my little shadow.
I sign the receipt, take the bag and begin to walk away, Shane following me like a lost puppy.
"Well?" he asks me as I walk out of the store onto the pavement outside.
"What?" I stop long enough to glare at him.
"As I said, you must not want to go far in this business."
"I’m quite content with being European Champ."
He looks at me in disbelief. "You’re serious?"
"Quite. Oh. I’m not saying I don’t want to get ahead and get a WWF title shot or even WCW once you get things started there, but there’ve been guys that have been in the Fed longer than I have and I feel they should get their shots first."
"How long have you been with us?" He crosses his arms across his chest.
"Three years."
"You’ve busted you ass for three years, but someone like Kurt Angle comes along, grabs practically every accolade the Fed has within a year and you’re standing there telling me you’re not the least bit resentful?"
"Like I said. When it’s my time, I’ll take it."
He shakes his head. "Damn, I knew there was a reason I liked you, though sometimes you’re too selfless for your own good."
"Listen Shane, the past three years have been hard on me. Not just with getting used to the schedule and the pace, but getting used to being a singles competitor after Jeff died and dealing with that. If it makes me too selfless for my own good, then so what? There’s a time and a place for everything. Now’s just not my time."
I’m surprised when I see his predatory features soften a bit. "I hope to God Adam appreciates you."
"He does." I look at my watch. "I have to get going. I want to get his present fixed while he’s at the gym."
I walk away, uneasy about allowing Shane to see my vulnerabilities like that, but if it meant him leaving me alone, I was willing to take the chance.
Back at our room, I manage to find the cross, hidden in Adam’s shaving bag. Walking over to the table where the chain still remained in the box, I sit and look at it. It was a thick silver cross with an engraved Jesus on the front. Because we weren’t allowed to go shopping for presents for Adam’s birthday – in fact for any of the birthdays we’d spent in our prison – we’d taken to rummaging through the trunks and every other box in the attic and such to find ‘presents’ for each other.
As the late morning sun hit on the silver cross I can remember Christian, having grabbed this from his twin, taking it into the bathroom and spending what seemed like hours cleaning or at least try to clean the tarnish off it in time to give it to Adam, even employing Jeff into helping him try anything so that would be perfect before giving it the brother he’d adored so much.
Taking a deep breath to clear my head and fend off the tears, I set about fixing the cross onto the loop of the chain. It had been on a piece of black ribbon, but during a match, the ribbon had come apart setting Adam into a frenzy looking for the cross, even asking the valets to look for it while they were out at ringside for their matches. After a panicked two hours passed, Lillian Garcia, the ring announcer came back with the cross in hand, having it handed back to her from a fan who’d caught it. I swear I had never seen Adam so happy and relieved as he was that night and ever since then, though it pained him to do so, he left the cross tucked away in his shaving kit so he wouldn’t lose it again.
My hands shook a little as I made to attempts to set the loop into the hole on the cross, but on the third try, I was successful. After that was done, I set the chain and cross back into the box and tucked the box into Adam’s bag, wanting to see the look on his face when he unzipped it and found it there.
Heading for my bag, I once again dig out the journal, not as paranoid about it as I had been thanks to my cover, but I had to still be careful about writing in it around Adam because I don’t want him to think something’s wrong should my emotions get the best of me as I write.
Settling down, I pick up where I leave off, this time I write about our Dad’s first visit to the attic and the chaos that followed.
Paying strict heed to our grandfather’s rules, all of us were occupied when Gerald brought our lunch in. Adam was on the bed reading a book he’d brought with him and I was on the floor with the twins playing with Christian’s Hot Wheels cars that Adam had packed for him. Well actually Jeff and I were playing with the cars, Christian just sat and watched.
I remember before all this how worried Mom and Dad had been about Christian’s unresponsiveness to his surroundings. How he would just sit and watch people for long periods of time without saying a word. In fact, there would be times you’d never think he was in the room unless he sneezed or made some kind of noise that would startle the hell out of you since you’d think you were alone. They were so worried they’d taken him to at least five different specialists, afraid he might actually be autistic and all five responses would be the same – that there was nothing wrong with him whatsoever, that he was just a quiet little boy who preferred letting his twin stir up the trouble and would speak when the mood hits.
After the door had closed and we’d heard the tumblers click, signifying that Gerald had left the room and locked the door. We paused what we were doing and walked over to the table. Once again I was hesitant about taking the cover off my lunch until Adam had removed his first. For lunch we had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, sliced diagonally, an apple each and a glass of milk. Nothing was said during this time, which was just fine with me, though it was amusing to watch Jeff look his food over like it was poisoned. PB&J was never his favorite sandwich, but figuring that it was all he was going to get, he ate it anyway though he made faces all throughout, some of which were quite amusing.
"When do you think dinner will be?" I ventured.
"Well we ate breakfast at seven, it’s noon now," Adam said checking his watch. "If the old man keeps to a five hour pattern, probably about five o’clock. You know I was thinking –"
"Oh that’s reassuring." I cracked getting a giggle out of Jeff.
"I was thinking," he continued, flashing me a look of death. "Maybe after we get done eating we’d head up and look around the attic?"
"Why?"
Adam shrugged, biting into his apple. "Just a thought." He swallowed. "Give us something to do. Find out if there’s any skeletons rattling around up there."
"Real skeletons?" Jeff asked, fear in his young voice. He never liked being in a completely dark room and even had a small nightlight, which I’d remembered to bring with us.
"No kid." I fixed Adam with my own death stare. "He means we’re going to go up and see what sort of stuff is up there. Isn’t that what you meant?"
"Of course I did."
I shook my head and rested it on my right hand.
"Headache?"
I look at Christian. I wanted to say ‘yes and he’s sitting across from me’, but I smile and shake my head.
"Mommy would do that before she had one. Rest her head in her hand." Then he was quiet again as he debated whether or not to even try the apple.
God I miss him.
Anyways, after we’d all finished eating and tidied thing up, Christian deciding to hold onto his apple until later by hiding it under his pillow, we were surprised to hear the tumblers in the lock rattle again. Bracing ourselves for whatever was to happen next, we relaxed a little when we saw Dad walk in but that was tempered when we saw grandfather walk in not too far behind.
"Daddy!" Jeff shouted as he jumped out of his chair and ran over to throw his arms around our father’s neck. We heard a sharp intake of breath as Jeff latched onto him.
"Jeff calm down," I tell him before going over to settle him down.
"It’s okay Matthew." He says, giving me a quick hug before giving one to both Adam and Christian. "So how have you guys been? Been behaving yourselves?"
"So far." Came the dry response from our grandfather. I’d wished he’d just turn around and get the hell out so we could have some time alone with Dad but by the look on his face, he wasn’t budging anytime soon.
Jeff and Christian ushered Dad over to the bed Adam and Christian shared and sat down on either side of him. Adam and I kind of lingered back. I sensed something was wrong with Dad by the way he walked in. It had been similar to when he’d been hit in the back with a chair; straight but with his chest out slightly. I also notice how the back of the white shirt he was wearing had some specks of red on it.
I hated to interrupt the twins’ patter – mostly Jeff’s – but the spots on the shirt had me worried. "Dad?"
He looked at me and it was then I saw how pale he looked. "What is it Matthew?"
"What’s wrong with your back?"
"What do you mean?"
It was then Adam was looking at me oddly as well.
"Your shirt. There’s some red on it. It looks like blood." You didn’t grow up with parents for wrestlers and not know what blood on white cloth looked like.
"It’s nothing." He tried to cover through he shot one evil look at our grandfather, who only glared back making Dad look away first.
"So how are things going so far? Been keeping busy?"
"Have you made things up with grandmother yet?" Jeff asked.
"Not yet Jeff."
"When can we get out of here?"
"Just a few more days okay?" he ruffled Jeff’s hair before looking at Christian. "So what have you been doing with yourself?"
Seeing Christian simply shrug, our grandfather looked at him. "What the hell’s wrong with him? Can’t he speak?"
"He does when he wants to." Dad explained.
"Well I guess you did produce a retard after all."
I swear Adam would’ve killed grandfather right then and there if I hadn’t grabbed his arm and held him back.
"He’s not a retard!" Jeff shouted. "You are!"
I held my breath, as did Adam.
"Jeff apologize right now." Dad said.
"No!" Jeff slid off the bed and looked at Dad. "I want to go home and I want to go now!"
"Jeffrey . . ." Dad warned.
"I hate it here! We’re stuck in this tiny room with nothing to do and I’m bored! I don’t care if mommy’s parents split us up and put us in different homes! I want out of here and I want it now!"
"Paul you better shut that boy up."
"Jeffrey please." Dad pleaded, looking at Adam and me as if we’d back him up.
"I wanna go home!"
"Paul! You either shut that boy up or I will!"
Jeff whirled around. "No! You shut up!"
CRACK!
As if in slow motion, grandfather had backed his hand back and backhanded Jeff so hard across the face he literally spun around once before landing on the floor.
"Jeff!" I was shocked out of my stupor and immediately went to where Jeff lay on the floor sobbing his eyes out. I pick him up and see a trickle of blood coming from the corner of his little mouth. I’d been too distracted in wiping the blood away that I didn’t see Christian attack grandfather until I heard Dad say "Chris no!"
I turned my head just in time to see our grandfather pick Christian up by his shirtfront and throw him like a sack of potatoes against the wall by our table, his head bouncing off the wall and I thought I’d heard a crack when it did. Adam started to charge grandfather, bloodlust in his eyes, but Dad intercepted him. "Adam no! That’s enough!"
"Enough!" Adam raged back. "How the hell can you stand there and not do anything while this bastard hits your damn kids!"
"Show them!"
Hearing those two words I watch Dad freeze before looking at our grandfather. "No," he said. "You’ve done enough damage. They’ll learn to behave now."
"Show them what happens to disobedient brats or by God I’ll use Matthew as an example."
I swear I felt my heart stop when he said that. I looked at Dad and he must’ve seen the fear I was feeling because he sighed and unbuttoned the white shirt he was wearing. When it came off there was such a collective gasp, you’d think we sucked the air out of the room.
All over Dad’s back in random patterns some overlapping the other were whip marks ranging from simple welts to outright bleeders. I could feel Jeff trembling and saw Christian’s wide-eyed stare. I looked at Adam, his expression mixed with the bloodlust from before and the reality of the moment.
We watched Dad throw the shirt aside and saw the humiliation on his face as he still tried to keep his composure for our sakes.
"There it is brats." Grandfather said with a certain kind of glee. "One lash for every year since he was born, one lash for every year he was with your mother and one for each year the four of you existed. Let this be warning to the four of you," he looked at us. "If I could do this to my own son, just imagine what I can do to all of you." He looked at Dad. "You get one hour with them, no more."
Hearing the door shut but not lock, Dad finally sat down and put his head in his hands, his body shaking from both fury and unshed sobs. After what felt like forever he finally spoke. "I am so sorry," he whispers, looking at each of us. "I am so fucking sorry."
He motioned for the twins, who come after some help from Adam and me. I watched as he hugged them tightly. "Are you two okay?" He said holding them out a little bit to see their faces. They both nodded silently, now more out of fear than anything else.
He then looked at us. "I thought after all this time he might’ve mellowed some, maybe even be willing to let the past go . . . but I guess that was too much to ask."
"Why does he hate Mom so much?" Adam sat next to him.
"Because she wasn’t ‘our sort of people’," he wiggled his fingers as if making quotation marks. "I met your Mom while I was in school and her family wasn’t exactly who your grandparents would approve of though God knows she knocked herself out trying to impress them though after a while, when I saw the strain it was putting on her, I told her not to worry and that I loved her regardless of what my parents thought. In fact she was the one who convinced me to become a wrestler even though my parents were against it. Funny coming from a guy who was one himself."
"Grandpa was a wrestler?" Jeff asked.
"Yep. Anyways, I met your Mom and she knew this guy who trained her and when I went in to try out, he was impressed with me and I trained under him. Problem was, he’d been someone my father had hated throughout his career and Dad pretty much disowned me after that." He sighed. "It wasn’t long after I started that your Mom was pregnant with Adam. I thought that this was the olive branch I needed to try and fix thing with Mom and Dad, but all that happened is that they told me that as long as I was married to your mother, I no longer existed to them and that any more children we had would never see a dime of their money. Eventually it got to the point where they even cut me out of the will as well."
"Do you regret meeting her? Having us?" The words were out of my mouth before I realized it and regretted it when I saw the expressions on my brothers’ faces.
"No Matthew. I don’t regret a damn thing when it comes to your Mom and you guys. The only thing I regret now is having to subject you to my father while I’m trying to work things out with my mother."
"Couldn’t you have just left us with an aunt or uncle?"
"I’m an only child Matthew. So was your Mom, so when we got married before Adam was born, we decided to have as many kids as we could as long she could compete, but there had been some complications after the twins were born, so we couldn’t have any more, though before she died she was talking about trying again, this time for a girl."
"Like one would survive with all of us."
Dad laughed at Adam’s joke. "If she’d been anything like your Mom, she’d be kicking all your asses even before coming home from the hospital."
We laughed too, the tension breaking a little.
"Listen, I know this has become one hell of a nightmare for you guys, but I promise once everything is smoothed over and I’m back in your grandmother’s good graces, we can put all of this behind us like one bad dream and think of the future."
"Would grandfather have to live with us?"
"No. Grandmother would probably give us enough money to get a place of our own." He looked at his watch. "I don’t want to end this so soon, but Dad’s having his private doctor come over and fix my back and he’ll be here shortly." He looked at Christian and Jeff. "Are you two okay? No dizziness or anything?"
"We’re fine." Jeff said, Christian nodding in agreement.
He looked at me. "If these two start feeling sick or anything, let your grandfather or Gerald know. I know you’re scared of him, but let’s just say I gave him a few rules of my own before agreeing to this, so don’t worry about a thing."
Adam helped Dad get the shirt back on. Once it was buttoned and tucked in, he hugged us all again, lingering the longest with the twins. "I mean it guys," he said. "This will all be over soon."
"Bye Daddy," Jeff said before Dad closed the door, locking us in here again.
We never did make it to the attic that day and due to our ‘unruliness’, we didn’t have any dinner brought to us, but Christian shared his apple with us. It’s funny now seeing him concentrating on how to cut the apple to make sure we had the same amount.
As I said, God I miss him.
Laughter distracted me this time as I watched the door open and watch Adam and Dwayne walk into the room. "Oh that was priceless." Adam said, trying to calm himself.
"What happened?" I close the journal, happy to see him smiling a genuine smile and not the one he plastered on for the camera.
"Hi honey." He said, before walking over and kissing me, something that embarrassed Dwayne a little.
"So what happened? What’s so funny?"
They looked at each other before dissolving into snickers again.
"I’ll tell him." Dwayne said taking deep breaths. "You know that fax machine Paul Heyman uses at ringside?"
"Right."
"Anyways, your man here gets a sick idea and writes this kinky ass fax for Paul to use during Raw. Well he did a run through of all that would be coming in and there was one –" Dwayne laughed hard again setting Adam off as well. "The one that was going to be used for the six man tag match with RVD, Booker and Test? Well that’s when your man decides to send his fax and during the run through, with everyone there from the sound guys to Vince himself, Paul jumps on the chair like he’s going to for the show and gets into how it’s a fax from Steve and he’s reading it into the mic-"
By now Adam was howling in laughter.
"He goes on and says, "From the desk of Stone Cold Steve Austin, he has sent you guys these words of encouragement – To Booker T, my little chocolate love bunny and that’s as far as he goes on that. Mind you the guys are all there, Booker, Rob and Andrew. Anyways, Paul stops and goes to Rob’s and he starts off all dramatic like – To RVD, when I saw you doing your warm up un Sunday Night Heat, I tell you I wanted to ream you through the floor and thirty ways to Sunday –" By now Dwayne and Adam have lost it and I’m laughing as well.
"No!" I gasp.
Adam nodded before laughing and clapping his hands together.
"He never got to Andrew." Dwayne gasped. "I think the poor guy felt left out. He was like ‘Well? Where are my words of encouragement? How does he feel about me?’"
By then we’d all lost it.
"I’m telling you babe," Adam gasped. "It was priceless. There were so many sprayed drinks you’d think the sprinklers went off."
"Did Vince find out who did it?"
"No, but he was laughing just as hard as anyone. He said, "I give that Rattlesnake the best years of my life and I find out he’s been cheating on me all this time!" Dwayne explained.
"But Heyman was so pissed! He should be glad it was only a run through and not the actual event." Adam said between breaths.
"Yeah but man that’s when you should’ve done it. I told him wait until Raw and then send the fax. I swear, the ratings would’ve gone through the roof!"
"I know, I know." Adam sighs calming down and wiping his eyes.
"Can’t leave you alone for a moment can I?" I ask Adam.
"Nope."
"Listen, I’ve got to go. You guys have a nice anniversary together okay?"
"Bye Dwayne," we say in unison as he walks out the door, still laughing his head off.
"Whoo!" Adam says. "I haven’t laughed that hard in so long."
"I thought you were going to the gym."
"I did, but Dwayne wanted to get his script from Dave Hebner so I thought I’d tag along."
"I don’t know if I like you seeing that boy." I walk over and crouch down by the side of the bed his head is hanging off of. "He seems to be a bad influence on you."
"I know. Remember when Mick said that to Jeff about Raven? How wrong he was?"
"You thought the same thing." I play with a strand of his hair.
"I know." He repeats. "God I so hoped Jeff had found some happiness when he found Raven."
"We all did."
We were quiet for second, the mood having changed dramatically in only a matter of seconds.
"They should be the ones celebrating their commitment anniversary." Adam said softly before turning his head to look at me. "Remember how happy Jeff was when Raven asked him to marry him?"
"How can I forget?" It was the rare time when we’d seen a spark of the old Jeff, the one who liked to take chances on a trampoline, the one before Mom died and before we went to Greenwich.
"And Dad had to take it all away from him." This time new tears formed but not from laughter, but the familiar pain we’d felt for far too long.
"Let’s not think of Dad today." I kissed his cheek. "I got you a present."
"Where?"
"In your bag."
Adam sat up and walked to where his bag sat. I sat on the edge of the bed, watched him unzip the bag, take out the blue velvet box and his green eyes widen on surprise when he saw what was inside.
"Oh Matt . . ." he gasped looking at me.
"Now you can start wearing it again. Just don’t wear it during your matches."
He moved so quickly I wasn’t prepared for his pouncing on me until it was too late and his mouth was covering mine. No matter how many times he kissed me, he always manages to take my breath away.
"It’s beautiful," he breathes as our lips part and he sits up. I watch him try and put it on, but his hands are shaking so that I finally take over and put it on for him. I lean back and again tears are in his eyes but this time the happiness that had been in them had returned making them glow a bright green. "I remember when Chris gave it to me. He was so sure I wouldn’t like it because it wasn’t totally cleaned up."
I lean back against the headboard, not wanting to darken his memories, but a question that has played itself over in my head off and on since Jeff died has come back to haunt me. "Adam can I ask you something?"
"I said yes five years ago."
I smile before diving right in. "Have you ever resented me and Jeff after we escaped?"
"Where the hell did that come from?"
I sigh. "I mean, here it was just the three of us and Jeff and I had always been close while it’d been you and Christian but after Chris died . . . I wonder if you resented the fact that I still had Jeff while Chris was gone."
The room grows an eerie kind of quiet as he looks at the cover and not me. I’m afraid of what his reply is going to be.
"To tell you the truth, yeah." He looked at me. "I honestly resented the fact you still had Jeff while Christian was gone, but at that time I couldn’t dwell on it because we were trying to move on and I knew Jeff needed both of us to help him, but there were times, especially during training when Al was training you guys to be a tag team that I hated the both of you. That’s why I pulled away when I did, but now . . ." he shook his head. "I figure we’ve suffered enough, but it still hurts knowing that Jeff had more of a chance at a life than Chris had."
A knock on the door distracted us and frankly I was glad for it. After composing ourselves, Adam walked to the door to answer it and standing on the other side was Amy and Trish.
"Hey girls."
"Hi." Amy looked at the both of us. "Did we come at a bad time?"
"No." Adam covered. "No. So what can we do for you two?"
"Well it’s more like what we can do for you two." Trish said. "Amy and I thought we’d treat you two to a restaurant of your choosing on us for your anniversary."
"That’s sweet really," Adam looked at me before looking at the girls. "But we planned on spending it alone."
"Please?" Trish begged, putting on the most pitiful puppy face she could come up with.
"Please?" Amy followed suit.
Adam looked back at me with a ‘well?’ look.
"Give us a few minutes to change and we’ll be with you." I said getting off the bed.
"Yes!" They hiss before kissing Adam on the cheeks and heading toward the elevators.
"Sure you want to do this?" He closed the door.
"Yeah." I said, feeling slightly claustrophobic after Adam’s admission. I know I asked for it, but it didn’t hurt any less.
"Matt."
"What?"
"I’m sorry. I know you wanted to know and I was pretty blunt, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I hated Jeff." He sighed. "No matter what we do or what we try that damn attic always comes back to haunt us. Always."
I walked to him and took him in my arms, resting my head on his shoulder and stroking his back and knew there was one way to make this pain disappear, but the question was how do I get started and keep Adam out of the crossfire.
9
"You know," I hear Adam say. "It might help to let us choose a restaurant if you’d let us see where we’re going."
After changing and leaving the room to meet Amy and Trish, they surprised us by blindfolding us, saying it was all part of the surprise. Trish had Adam while Amy had me by the elbow.
"We know," Trish said with a giggle in her voice. "But at least this way it’ll be a total surprise."
Hearing the elevator bell ping they moved us out of the elevator car and after bumping into some furniture, we finally paused. I could hear my head pounding, as I had no idea what they were setting us up for. I felt the silk scarf being pulled away from my face as Trish said, "Okay open them!"
"Surprise!"
Both Adam and I gaped as we saw some of the boys crammed into the hotel dining room with a banner behind them saying; Congratulations On Your Anniversary!
"Oh shit!" Adam looked at me, the smile he had earlier returning.
"Go on, get in there," Amy nudged.
We walked in and were greeted by hugs and handshakes all around.
"Now did you honestly think we’d let you get away with having an anniversary without a party?" Amy said, giving me a hug.
"Oh please," I say. "You’d throw a party to watch paint dry."
She laughed before wandering over to where her boyfriend Rob was.
It really was overwhelming, everyone coming up to us. I had to look for Adam to make sure he was okay and found him taking to Steve and Debra.
"Congratulations," a voice from my left says. I look to see Shane standing there.
"You don’t give up do you?"
"You know I was at the arena earlier when Adam played that prank on Paul." He takes on hors d’ouvre off a tray. "I never knew he had a sense of humor. He always seems so intense."
"He has his moments." I turn to leave when he takes my arm.
"Wait a second." He pops the hors d’ourve in his mouth before digging in his suit coat for something and pulls out a blue velvet box exactly like the one I’d given Adam moments ago. He holds it out for me to take, which I do reluctantly.
"I went back into the department store and got you an anniversary present."
I open it and nestled inside was an exact duplicate of the chain I had bought Adam except there was no loop for a cross on it. "It’s nice." I tell him, closing the box.
"I told you silver’s your color."
I hold it out for him. "But I don’t want it."
"It’s a gift."
"And seeing how it’s coming from you I’m sure there’re strings attached."
"Maybe one." He takes it from me with that damned smirk.
"What?"
I watch him look over at Adam. He, Steve and Debra have been joined by Dwayne and Kurt. Shane then looks at me and leans over to whisper in my ear, "To be blunt, I’d love to see you wear this when I’m fucking you."
Without thinking and not caring what anyone thought, I shoved Shane so hard he slams into the wall. "You fucking asshole," I hiss before walking to the other side of the room as far from him as I could get. I’m not alone for long as I feel Adam’s hand on my arm.
"You okay?"
"Yeah." I grab a champagne flute off a tray and down it one gulp.
"What did he say to you?"
I look at Adam and see the simmering anger in his eyes. On one hand I would love to tell him just for the pleasure of watching him pound the shit out of Shane, but not wanting to disrupt the party Amy and Trish arranged for us, I shake my head. "He was just being his usual charming self."
"Motherfucker." Adam starts to go after him, but I stop him and plant a hard kiss on his lips, hoping Shane was watching the whole scene.
"Don’t let him ruin today for us," I whisper, kissing him on the cheek. "Don’t let him get to you. That’s what he wants."
I feel him slide an arm around my waist. "Okay fine, I’ll let it go for now," he whispers in my ear, "but if that smarmy little bitch upsets you like that again, all bets are off and so is his head."
I only nod when the scent of perfume surrounds us. We both look and see it’s Debra, watching us. "Now, now boys, you have all night to snuggle like that," she said, the southern belle in her voice coming through.
We both chuckle before I turn to look at her. "Thanks for coming tonight. I know Steve would rather be anywhere else than here." Steve’s a pretty decent guy but was also a touch homophobic.
She flicks her hand in dismissal. "Think nothing of it, besides he wants to stay on Shane’s good side these days."
"Shane’s good side?" Adam asks.
She nodded. "Oh yeah, he’s the one who arranged the party for the both of you."
I look over to where I’d left him and he smirked at me again, lifting his champagne flute as a sort of salute. "I don’t believe this," I say under my breath.
"I thought Amy and Trish set this up." Adam says.
"Oh no sugar, their main job was getting you two down here. You know, I’m really surprised at how fast he pulled all this together."
"Especially since he didn’t know about it until last night." Adam whispers in my ear.
"Well enough about Shane. I came over because we have hundreds of CD’s and we have no idea what song the two of you danced to at your ceremony."
That was because we didn’t have one per se. Confused? It’s simple really. See like straight couples, to get a domestic partnership license you have to have blood drawn and Adam and I couldn’t take the chance of it coming out about us being brothers, so we never really filed for one. Whenever we’re asked where our license was, we tell people either we lost it or that it had burned in a fire and that we haven’t gotten around to get a new one yet being on the road so much. So our ceremony was nothing more than Adam and I being alone one night and, with only each other as witnesses, we said what we felt and swapped rings. Neither Jeff nor the Foleys had found out what we’d done. To this day Mick and Collette doesn’t know about our being ‘married’ though if the rumors about Mick coming back as a Commissioner for the Fed are true, then we’re going to have to let him know.
See what a couple of well-practiced liars we are?
Anyways back to the music issue.
"You did dance to a song at your ceremony didn’t you?" Debra asks getting a little impatient with our silence.
We looked at each other. "To tell you the truth Debra," Adam begins. "That day was such a blur I’m lucky if I remember saying ‘I do’." He chuckles.
"That’s because you damn near passed out when you did." I crack.
"And that was because I was so overwhelmed by how good you looked." He kisses me on the cheek.
She now turns her attention to me. "Well Matt, do you remember the song you two danced that day?"
I remember there had been a song playing while Adam and I took our ‘vows’ but for the life of me I can’t remember what it was now. I shrug. "Sorry Debra. I can’t remember either."
She sighs in irritation the way southern belles do when things are not going their way. "Well I guess I’m just going to take my chances and pick a song and hope you like it."
"I’m sure we will," Adam says. "You’ve got great taste in music."
"Though your taste in men though leaves much to be desired."
The three of us giggle. "Now Matt we all know we can’t have a Sex God like the one you’re married to." She pecks Adam on the cheek before flouncing off.
"Christ Matt, she tells Steve what you said and you’re in for it tomorrow night at Raw."
"He’ll get over it."
The party marched on with Adam and I separating for a while to talk to other people as Debra, with some help from Adam, tried to find the perfect song to dance to and some of the stragglers from the arena where’d they’d been setting up for tomorrow night’s show came in, including Vince who congratulated me and offered some advice for a long marriage. "Love and respect," he tells me as he looks over the buffet. "Those are the only things that make a relationship work."
"And that’s why you had Mrs. McMahon committed for a while?" I joke over one of our more unusual storylines.
He looks at me a jovial look on his face. "Be grateful Adam doesn’t go through menopause," he joked. "That’s the only reason I did it."
He walks away leaving me there to check over everything. I’m not really hungry right then but having had two glasses of champagne, I feel I have to have something or it’s all going to go to my head. I pick up something that looks like a sandwich with the crusts cut off and bite into it, making a sight face as I chew it.
"My thoughts exactly," I hear Mark say as he approached the table.
"Try some already?"
He nodded. "Christ, you’d think McMahon would realize that we’re just a bunch of wrestlers and not his country club set. We need real food."
"Like what we had at the Super Bowl party last year?"
"Exactly."
"Well if Vince were the one who threw this party together then that’s what we’d have."
"Who is throwing this shindig? Linda?"
"Shane." I said. "According to Debra, he threw everything together sort of last minute."
"Last minute my ass. He knew it was your guys’ anniversary so he’s going to try and start something."
"He already has." I recount the incident with the necklace, but I don’t tell him about the string Shane attached to it.
"That fucking idiot. Why don’t you go to Vince about it?"
"Who do you think he’d believe? His own son or an employee?"
"So you’re just going to let it go?" Mark asks me.
"Just for today. I don’t want to make a scene and ruin today for Adam."
"Okay sounds fair, but if he pulls another stunt like that again Matt, you’ve got to tell Vince so he can stop this before it gets too far ahead of itself. I don’t think he’d like the idea of his son harassing any of the boys."
I don’t say anything, only nod as Mark walks off. Feeling a bit like a wallflower, I walk over to the closed patio doors and sit down in one of the chairs. As glad as I am that everyone is here for me and Adam, I want nothing more than to make a discreet exit and head upstairs to write more in the journal especially now having found out Shane paid for everything cast a pall on the whole thing.
I watch as everyone is laughing, eating and having a good time and think of Christian. I wonder what went through his mind whenever he’d sit silently watching other people having fun. Did he get jealous? Resentful at not being asked by any of the kids to play with them? Did he feel like he was invisible to people and didn’t matter to them? And most painfully, especially after thinking about the conversation Adam and I had moments ago, did he resent us for escaping and living when he didn’t have that chance?
Trying to subdue the lump growing in my throat, I snatch another champagne glass from a tray and down that one in another single gulp. I’d looked down at the polished floor when two scuffed boots drop themselves into my line of vision. I let my eyes talk a slow walk up from the boots to the chocolate brown leather pants, the slightly unbuttoned red satin shirt and eventually into Adam’s eyes looking at me with concern. "Hi," I said dully.
"Hey," he crouches down to my eye level. "How many of those have you had so far?"
"I don’t know." I sigh.
He took the empty glass out of my hand and passed it to one of the waiters. "Well I’m cutting you off right now. You always seem to get maudlin after a couple of drinks."
"I bet you’re depleting the coffee supply."
"There’s coffee? Where?" He looks around like a cartoon character, trying and succeeding in making me laugh. "You still mad about what I said earlier?"
"I’m not mad." I sit back. "I asked you and you told me how you felt. How can I be mad about that?"
"Well so much for a happy anniversary," he sighed.
"It’s not a total waste." I leaned over and kissed him. "Have any luck finding a song?"
He shook his head. "Remember when we said Debra had good taste in music?"
"Yeah."
"Well some of our compatriots don’t. She asked them to bring their CDs and we’re having a hell of a time trying to find one I want to dance with you with."
"I just wish I could remember the one that was playing when we exchanged rings."
"Okay how about this one?" Debra asked with CD in hand. She hands it to Adam who looks the track list over. I watch him pause his finger on one and smile.
"Perfect," he whispers before standing to show Debra the song he wants. She looks at him skeptically. "You sure?"
He nods.
"Okay," she says before walking over to where the DJ was.
"What did you pick?"
"You’ll find out." He smiles pulling me to my feet. "Sure you’re up to dancing in front of everyone?"
"Hey, they don’t like it, they can leave. Right now all I want to do is just dance with you in my arms."
He flashes me that brilliant smile before taking me out to the floor. I wrap my arms around his waist as he does the same resting his forehead against my forehead. "I know what I picked may seem strange, but just listen to the words and you’ll see why I picked it."
He expects me to listen to lyrics when he’s this close to me?
I hear the first few guitar notes and recognize it as one of the songs Adam had one of the guys burn onto a CD for him.
You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want
Your story to remain untold
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
At this point some of the couples are making their way to the dance floor and at one point I look over at Shane and see a mixture of lust and hatred on his face as he’s watching us and wonder if I should take Mark’s advice and talk to Vince after all.
You say you'll give me
A highway with no one on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night
You say you'll give me
Eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
You say you want
Your love to work out right
To last with me through the night
You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold
I sigh, loving the way Adam is rubbing my back and whispering the words into my ear. God I don’t want this song to end
All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
You...all I want is...
You...all I want is...
You...all I want is...
You...
It seems like the song had ended too quickly and another one comes on but Adam and I are totally oblivious. All we care about is that we have each other and that we forget, if only a little while, any troubles we may have been having. As Ricky Martin is singing about private emotions, I feel Adam’s head move as though he’s looking up at someone and hear him whisper, "Oh God."
I look at him to tease him but when I see the fear on his face, I look over my shoulder and see whom he’s staring at.
Standing at the doorway talking to Vince and Linda was our father and Stephanie.
Adam’s body, once warm and fluid now feels statue like as he stares at our father. "Who invited him?" he whispers.
"I have my suspicions." Another look at Shane, who’s now wrapped up in talking to Heyman about something. "Adam? Adam look at me."
He does and I swear to God he looks like he’s going to bolt the room right then and there. Christ I just wish to hell he would tell me why Dad has him so terrified.
"Listen. He’s probably here like everyone else. Don’t fall apart on me now. Okay?" I take his head in my hands. "He has no clue as to who we really are and as long as we keep our cool, he’ll never know."
He nods, rubbing my upper arms. "You’re right. I don’t know why I let him get to me."
It’s something I’m wondering about too.
The tempo of the music changes and some more couples come out onto the floor. "I guess the romance section of the party is done," he cracks.
"The party yeah, but wait until tonight." I tease as Torrie Wilson walks over and asks one of us to dance. I beg off letting her take Adam with her after he instructs me to have no more champagne. I walk over to the buffet table and still see there’s plenty there though it looks like somebody ordered some extra food as I see chicken wings and pizza squares alongside the crustless sandwiches. I grab a napkin and grab a couple of wings, silently thanking whoever ordered the little sides.
I turn and watch Adam grooving with Torrie to the new J-Lo song, his body snaking to the music. I’m so distracted by how he’s moving I have no idea someone is standing next to me until a voice says, "Hardy, right?"
I tear my eyes away from Adam to see who it is, but when I do, I feel my blood freeze for standing no more than three feet away from me is the man who frightened Adam so much and the one I held responsible for Christian's death and Jeff’s suicide.
Standing next to me was our father.
I watch as he casually looks everything over before deciding on a pizza square. This was a moment I’d looked forward and dreaded for the past ten years. Sure we’d pass each other in the halls and have had to be around each other at publicity functions but to be this close to him after all these years and after the pain he’s caused, I don’t whether to hug him and tell him who I am to him or to knock him on his ass and beat him senseless for what he did to us leaving us in that attic and at the mercy of that psychopath he called ‘father’.
His honey blonde hair is darker now with some gray starting to show at the temple. He had a few extra laugh lines, but that sure as hell didn’t stop him from having a huge female following and his physique hasn’t changed much though, having seen him work out once, I don’t think he’d have to worry about an ounce of fat invading his chiseled form until his seventies if at all.
I hear him speak to me again. "I’m sorry," I say, though I don’t know why I’m apologizing to him. "What was that again?"
"I was just congratulating you on your anniversary." He takes a champagne flute from a tray and I wish I had one too, but I promised Adam no more drinking tonight.
"Thank you." I try to sound as professional as I can.
"How long has it been?" God why do people keep asking us that?
"Five years."
"Quite a feat in this business. Even for a straight couple. Five years . . . you two must’ve gotten married while you were in the Indies."
"Yeah. In Florida."
"Have any problems with the guys about it?" He asks.
"No. I think they were a bit relieved knowing that neither of us were on the prowl any more."
"Stephanie and I have been married about fourteen years now." He looks over to where she sits talking to Debra and Steve. "I wouldn’t trade any of those days for anything." He looks back at me.
"I know I wouldn’t trade the time I’ve spent with Adam for anything too." There was a pause before I asked. "Weren’t you married before?"
I see a funny look on his face and knew I hit a sore spot, but I remained casual, not knowing why I asked.
"Why’d you ask?"
"I thought I’d read in a magazine interview you had that you had been married before. Maybe I’m confusing you with one of the other guys."
"No you’re right. I was married. We married young but unfortunately she was killed during a show."
"Sorry to hear that. Any children?"
"One," I hear the tightness in his voice. "But he died when he was eleven."
I’m trying to control myself, as I knew whom he meant. So he acknowledges Christian's existence. This is of no solace to me. "Just the one?"
He nods. "Stephanie and I have been trying to have a baby for a couple of years now but no luck."
"Hope there’s nothing wrong."
"No, no. It’s just with her working in the back and my being in the ring, we’ve just felt that the timing was off, but I’ll be retiring soon and then we’ll see what happens."
"Retiring?" Well this was a surprise.
"Yeah. I’ve been in the business almost twenty years. It’s starting to wear on me a little though I don’t know how the hell Mark does it. He’s been at it almost twice as long as I have and he’s still kicking."
"So when’s the last match?"
"We’re still trying to decide." He tells me. "But Vince is trying to convince me to work one last Wrestlemania so maybe that’s what I’ll do. One last match and then maybe play stay at home Dad, God willing."
I nod, not knowing what to say to that.
"Speaking of homes," he says. "What’re you guys planning to do when we get to Greenwich?"
Try and keep Adam from having a nervous breakdown, I think. "Nothing. Just the usual. Hit the gym, do some interviews, go over my match with Kanyon. Why?"
"Well Stephanie and I are planning to have a bit of an open house for some of the boys, celebrate the last day of summer with a cookout and Stephanie would love to have you and Adam—is that his name?"
"Yes." I’m trying not to hit him for forgetting the name of his firstborn son.
"Well she’d love to have the two of you come by. She just got done redecorating and she wants to play hostess and show it off."
"Just buy the house?"
"No, I inherited my mother’s. She died a few months after I went home and she left it to me and Stephanie as a wedding present."
I felt all the blood drain from my head. I can’t believe this. Not only am I making small talk with the man I hate more than anything, now he’s inviting me to visit the house he made into our prison. The house where we’d lost everything, including Christian. Sure I mentioned having gone there once, but that was to see what it looked like from the outside.
But to step inside . . .
God that would kill Adam.
Though I find myself intrigued at the prospect for some reason.
"You okay?"
Dad’s voice made its way through the haze I was in. I looked at him, blinking myself back to the here and now. "I’m fine. I think the champagne’s finally getting to me."
"So how about it? Think you and Adam might want to come by?"
"I don’t know. Can I let you know tomorrow night?"
"Sure. Just let me or Stephanie know. I better get going. See you tomorrow?"
"Yeah." I said trying to keep my bearings as he leaves me alone, which I’m not for long as I hear Shane’s voice from beside me. "You feel all right?"
"I just need some air." I set my napkin with the untouched wings on the table before heading for the now open patio doors. I feel like I’m being followed when I stop and turn to see Shane trailing me. "Alone." I say. "You’ve caused enough trouble tonight."
"That any way to talk to the person who’s throwing you two this shindig."
I get up in his face. "If I’d known you were the one throwing it, I wouldn’t have come. You knew Adam and I wanted to spend today by ourselves, but you couldn’t let that happen could you?"
"Of course I couldn’t. Your friends were the ones who suggested we get together and have a party for the two of you. Though myself, I wouldn’t mind having a private party with just the two of us."
It took all I had not to haul off and knock his ass out right then and there. "I’m warning you right now. I’m letting your smarmy little act pass for now, because I don’t want to upset Adam, but you keep this up and I’m going to Vince about this."
"Who do you think he’ll believe?" He looks at me and raises an eyebrow.
"Maybe he’ll believe me when he asks why I hauled off and knocked you on your ass."
He holds his hands up in defeat and walks away before I head outside into the cool night air. Taking a few deep breaths I think about Dad’s invitation. On the one hand it would be interesting to see the place from the inside, maybe sneak off, see if the attic was still the same, maybe even get lucky and get near our grandfather enough to blast him and find out where they buried Christian after taking him away that day so that Adam and I could bury our two little shadows together.
But hearing Adam’s laughter as I’m sure he’s recapping what he’d done to Heyman that day to an appreciative crowd, I worry what he would think if he knew we’d been invited to visit the prison we escaped and how he would react if he did get anywhere near Grandfather.
Sighing, I hope I can come up with a way to bring up the subject without driving a wedge between Adam and myself.
10
I hate coming to a show and not being used.
Adam and I had arrived at the arena the next morning well ahead of the twelve-thirty curfew Vince puts on us to be sure everyone is on time and accounted for when Dave Hebner gives me the news that while Adam has a match, I wasn’t so lucky.
"But get ready just in case Vince changes his mind," he says before handing Adam his script for the night.
So here it is seven thirty and I’m roaming the halls while Adam is in our dressing room talking with Kidman over how their match is going to go. I say hi to a few of the guys and girls, get some ‘hi’s in return and it’s as I turn a corner that I see Steven Richards talking to someone.
Curious, I move to one side so I can see who it is and pause in my tracks when I see Raven sitting on one of the lighting trunks. He doesn’t see me yet, which gives me a few moments to check him over.
His hair, an unruly mess of curls when he and Jeff were together was now done up in braided dreadlocks and pulled back into a ponytail. He was wearing his famous black jacket, an old ECW t-shirt, jeans with a hole on the right knee and battered Doc Martins. All in all he looked pretty healthy, but even from this distance I could see the spark that had been there when Jeff was alive was gone.
I wasn’t aware that he’d seen me until he said, "Hey Matt, c’mon over."
I walk over a little hesitantly with Steven watching me as though he thought I was going to say or do something to upset his best friend. Something Raven picked up on as well. "It’s cool Stevie. Why don’t you get ready for your match?"
After saying their "see you later’s", Steven left leaving Raven and me to face each other since Jeff’s funeral.
Awkward doesn’t describe the moment happening right now. I mean what can you really say to the man who brought your little brother the greatest happiness he’d ever had in years, but also brought him great pain as all the hurt and self doubt which lay beneath that happiness like a time bomb which unfortunately went off after his own father rejects him.
"So," I say trying to break the ice. "I heard you’re coming back to the ring."
He nods slowly. "Yeah, I figured my time of mourning was over and that Jeff wouldn’t want me to just fade out the way I have."
"How’ve you been?"
"Lonely. Missing him like crazy." He sipped from his can of Pepsi. "Still wondering why he did it. Why he left me like that."
I’d love to have told him why if only to keep him from torturing himself, but I couldn’t. Not without telling him everything and possibly exposing Adam and me. "You have to know, Raven that it was nothing you’d done. He was in a lot of pain and he just felt suicide was the only way out."
"But why couldn’t he talk to me?" He sighed. "He talked about ‘contaminating’ me with his ‘sins’. What the hell kind of sin did he commit that he would want to die so bad? For God’s sake I told him everything about myself, you know? The booze, the drugs, the other guys. Hell if anyone should suffer for their sins it should be me, not him."
I agreed, not because I believed Raven should suffer but that Jeff shouldn’t have. There was only one person who should suffer for what he’d done to Jeff and that was our father. And as God and you are my witnesses, I will make him suffer. I just have to figure out how.
I hear Raven laugh bitterly, "You know something? After I told him everything, I thought for sure he’d go running to Mick or you screaming, but you know what he said? After giving me a hug? He said ‘the fantasy of falling in love with you has somehow conflicted with the reality of our situation.’ I asked what he’d meant, and he said ‘we thought we were both falling for the perfect people, but in turn reality has shown us how imperfect we really are.’ The scary thing was how right he was, though I could never see any imperfection in him."
"I know."
He sighed heavily. "Sorry I missed your guys’ anniversary party yesterday." As you can see we kept him in the dark as well.
"It’s okay."
"I heard Shane was being his usual pain in the ass self."
"It’s a part of him only I get to see obviously."
"Don’t let the punk get to you."
"Kind of hard to do when he seems to be everywhere I go." I tell him about the run-ins at Denny’s and at the department store as well as elaborate on his exploits at the party, including the part with the necklace.
"And you didn’t kick his ass for that?" He looks at me in disbelief.
"I didn’t want to start anything and ruin the day for Adam."
"Mark’s right though. You really should say something to Vince. I know it doesn’t seem like he gives a damn abut the boys, but he sure as hell doesn’t want another lawsuit on his hands and if he won’t listen, go to Linda. Vince may be the boss, but from my experience, Linda is the law. If she finds out her son’s been harassing the talent, she’ll straighten him out."
"But it’s my word against his."
"Doesn’t matter. Even if they don’t do anything right away, at least they can keep an ear open in case people start talking about it. Hell have Mark back you up, he’s got the stroke. Vince’ll listen to him."
Luckily the clicking sound of high heels distracted us as Raven and I both saw Stephanie walking over to us. "Raven, hi!" she greeted, giving him a hug. "What brings you by?"
"Stevie invited me to come by tonight."
"Well this is just great because this way I can kill two birds with one stone, pardon the pun." She giggles. "Paul told Matt yesterday and I’m telling you now that we’re having a sort of open house-cookout sort of deal to celebrate my redecorating the house and we’d love to have you there."
"When is it?"
"Thursday. We’re going to have it before the ‘Legend’s’ Smack Down show."
"Little late in the year for a cookout don’t you think?"
"I know, but we’ve been so busy lately getting WCW and ECW assimilated into the fed that we haven’t had a chance until now. Besides the foliage this time of year is perfect."
"Your father in law going to be there?" Raven asked.
I wait with baited breath for the answer.
"Well maybe not the cook out but at the show definitely. He’s looking forward to seeing all his old buddies again and it’ll do him some good to get out of the house for a while."
"How is the old guy anyway?"
"He’s hanging in there. The doctors say probably not for much longer. The cancer seems to really be getting to him."
Cancer. Too merciful a death if you ask me.
"Well?" She looks from me to Raven. "Can you come?"
"I might have to do a show at OVW." Raven says.
"Well I’ll have daddy talk to Cornette about that." She looks at me. "Matt? You and Adam going to come?"
"I haven’t talked to Adam yet."
"Could you let me know by the end of the show? Paul and I would love to shore up the guest list so we know how much food we’re going to have to buy."
"Sure. I’ll let you know."
"Great." She looks over my shoulder. "Hi honey!" She calls before excusing herself to take her place by Dad who’s just arrived. Watching them fawn over each other, I wonder if she has any idea of how evil the bastard she married really is.
I hear fingers snapping and look at Raven. "Man," he says, leaning back against the wall. "If looks could kill, Helmsley would be a dead man. What’s your heat with him?"
Do you have a year? I wanted to say. Better yet do you have five years because that’s what we lost because of that bastard. Five years and two little brothers, one of whom you loved so much. "Nothing. Just irritated about yesterday."
"Like I said. Get Mark to back you up and talk to Vince."
I only nod while watching Dad and Stephanie walk off to their dressing room. I’ve made up my mind about Thursday. I just hope Adam will understand.
Walking into our dressing room, I see Adam tying his boots, preparing to slip into the Edge character so many people loved even though he was written as a bad guy. I stand in the doorway watching him, thinking of all the letters and cards he got from fans, some were sweet and some of them made us wonder if we should consider taking out a restraining order on the people who wrote them what with half-naked and fully naked men and women photographing themselves in hopes of hearing his voice on the other end of their telephone line.
I then think about my fan mail and wonder if I should become a bad boy as well.
"You know," I hear him say. "I think we have about fifteen minutes before I go on." He looks at me with a mischievous look. "Long enough for a quickie."
"You’ll need your strength." I walk to him. He stands and wraps his arms around me.
"I have my strength." He looks back at me. "Right here. In you."
God this is going to be harder than I thought.
"So what are planning to do when we get to Greenwich Thursday?" I ask as we part for him to slip his black PVC coat on.
I watch his expression and see it tighten. "That’s this Thursday?" He looks at me.
I nod.
He lets out a sigh. "I don’t know. I’m hoping Vince won’t have to use either of us that night so we don’t have to be there."
"Like I said honey, no luck. Vince has us both booked for that night."
"What order are our matches in?"
"Yours I think is the fifth one and mine’s the main event."
"Shit." He says. "I don’t want to take off and leave you there, but I can’t be around him. Just knowing he’s there scares the hell out of me."
"Maybe we’ll get lucky and we won’t run into him."
"You think so? For crying out loud Matt, we’re going to have to do a meet and greet package of some sort for Excess. Show the generations together. Too bad we’re not curtain jerkers, we can get out of it then but no, Vince wants all his top people there and guess what? We’re on the list."
"When did you hear that? I didn’t see that on the itinerary."
"Kidman told me. Said Vince thought the fans might get a kick out of the old timers interacting with the ‘new blood’."
"Oh yeah, life sucks."
"Tell me about it." He says, zipping his coat up.
"Aren’t you hot in that thing?"
"Only when you’re around." He kisses me, making me wish I could bring up the subject of Thursday and not frighten him in the process, but there’s a knock on the door.
"Adam, you’re up next."
"Okay," he says before looking at me. "You all right?"
"I’m fine. There’s just something for us to talk about but I guess now isn’t the time."
"Can we when I get back?"
"Depends on what shape you’re in."
"Okay." One more kiss, this time for luck before he leaves.
Sitting on the bench, I dwell on how I can tell him that not only were we invited back to the house of horrors, but that I want to go.
"I don’t know Matt, are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean given what little the three of you told me and Mick about what happened there, are you sure you want to go back?"
I’m laid out on our hotel room bed talking to Collette while Adam is in the shower.
"Well you’re the one who suggested that we learn how to deal with it."
She chuckles. "At the time I meant through therapy, but to actually go back into the house without the benefit of having a professional with you to help you deal with the emotions. . . you could be setting yourself and Adam up for some serious nightmares. By the way, how has Adam been sleeping lately?"
"You mean when he does sleep? Okay. Luckily there hasn’t been a replay of what happened in Detroit."
"But he still has insomnia?"
"If that’s what downing twelve cups of coffee a day is called, then yeah."
"Twelve?" She sounds surprised.
"He’s been drinking it a lot more since he knows we’re going to be in Greenwich Thursday."
"Oh dear. Maybe he should rethink taking the sleep medication again."
"He won’t touch it. He feels guilty about leaving the pills out for Jeff to use."
"That was never his fault," she says.
"Speaking of Jeff, you won’t believe who was at the arena tonight."
"Who?"
"Raven."
"So what Mick heard was true. He is coming back."
"Yeah. He’s going to be in OVW for a while, then Vince is going to work a program with him going after the Hardcore title."
"How is he?"
"Still heartbroken over Jeff. I feel guilty over the grief we gave them while they were together."
"Don’t Matt. You and Adam were just looking out for your little brother."
"I know, but maybe if we had just left them alone, Jeff wouldn’t have searched out Dad the way he did and he’d still be here."
"One had nothing to do with the other. Jeff searched out his Dad for the sole reason of his wanting his father’s blessing and acknowledgment."
"I’d still like to know what happened that day." I say. "He told me a little bit about it while he was in the hospital, but I’d like to know what Dad said exactly."
"And you think you’ll get your answer by going to the house?"
"I don’t know what I’ll get by going there. I’m hoping some peace of mind, but if Adam comes with me who knows?"
"You know it won’t take much for me and Mick to come up. I can close my practice for a couple days and come up and go with you."
"I can’t ask you to do that."
"Like I said Matt, you go there without a professional to help you through it and who knows what’ll happen. Especially to Adam."
"He doesn’t know I wanna go yet."
"You haven’t told him?"
"I haven’t mentioned it. I was going to but he had a hard match with Kidman and I didn’t want to bring it up then."
"So what’re going to do? Wait until you get to Greenwich and then spring it on him?"
"No. I’m gonna wait until he gets out of the shower and talk to him about it."
I hear her sigh on the other end. "I really wish you’d reconsider, or at least wait for me and Mick to come up."
"I’m sorry Collette but my mind’s made up. Even if I have to go alone, I’m going to the house."
Another deep sigh on her end. "I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into."
"I know."
"And I hope you realize what this could to Adam if the two of you go together."
"Don’t you think I’ve thought about that?"
"Have you? From what Mick’s heard from some of the boys they’re laying odds on when Adam’s going to have a nervous breakdown. Especially after Detroit. I know you love Adam and that’s why I’m asking you to please reconsider going there."
"Say I do reconsider going? And wait for you and Mick to come up? What reason would we have to give Stephanie and Dad for wanting to go to the house, to the attic even?"
"It’s Monday night. I’ll make a few phone calls, Mick could have Al take over his classes we could be there by Wednesday at the latest. You can explain to Stephanie that we’re coming in for the Legends show and if she could set a couple of places."
"And buy another cow’s weight in meat." I joke, Mick’s appetite being the stuff of legend.
I hear her laugh. "Only a half a cow. He just had his recent physical and I’m trying to get him to cut down on the red meat."
"Somehow I don’t see Mick saying "mmm, beefy" about a plate of lettuce."
We both laugh at the imagery.
"Now that I’d pay money to see." She said. "How about it? Will you let me come and help you through it?"
I bite my bottom lip. On the one hand it would be reassuring to have her there, especially if Adam doesn’t come and even more so if he did, but on the other, she and Mick have done so much for us in the past and there’s no guarantee Adam would go once I told him about the invitation, and this was something I felt I had to do on my own. "Can I let you know in the morning? I want to see what Adam has to say."
"Okay. But if we don’t hear from you by tomorrow night, Mick and I are on the first flight there Wednesday morning."
"Fine."
We talked some more about random issues before finally hanging up with her telling me to give Adam her love. I hang up and hear the water still running. Worried, I get off the bed and head to the bathroom. I knock on the door. "Adam? Honey you okay in there?"
"Yeah."
I open the door and the bathroom is like a coconut-scented sauna with all the steam inside, let loose from the slightly open shower door. Even when he takes a shower he doesn’t close the door all the way, but at that moment I don’t mind as I watch him rinse the conditioner out of his hair. I watch the watery lotion sluice down his perfect body and find not only has my breath been taken away, but my pants starting to feel tighter as well.
"Who was on the phone?"
"Hmm?" I didn’t want to be distracted from enjoying the view in front of me.
He looks at me and smiles. "See something you like?"
"Oh yeah."
"Why don’t you come in? I’ll do your back for you."
"I hope that’s not all you’re planning on doing." I take my t-shirt and jeans off and join him inside. I stand behind him as I run my fingers over his wet back, loving how the muscles ripple under my fingers as I lower them down closer to his ass and it’s at the small of his back when he tenses up. "You okay?"
"Yeah." He turns to look at me. "It’s just a little tender from hitting the steps."
"I’ll make you a deal. You go after Rhyno for spearing me, and I’ll go after Kidman for throwing you into the steps."
"Deal," he says, wrapping me in his arms and let me tell you there is nothing more exciting, to me anyways, than holding Adam while the both of us are still wet from a shower, or still wet while in the shower. "Who’s on the phone?" He whispers.
"Collette. I called in to let her know how we’re doing."
"Damn, I’ve been meaning to call her but we’ve been so busy and then there’s the whole Greenwich situation."
"Her and Mick are threatening to come up for that."
"I hope they do. It’ll be nice to see them again." He kissed me. "Though not as nice as making love to you right now."
"Sure you’re up to it?"
"Feels like you are." He smiles taking me into his hand and squeezing gently, making me gasp.
Adam moves around me, which is no small feat in this tiny shower, until his chest is against my back. "Lean against me," he whispers.
I obey willingly, his body hard but warm against my back.
"Shampoo or conditioner?"
"What?"
He chuckles. "Which would you want me to lube you with? Shampoo or conditioner?"
"It doesn’t matter." It didn’t matter really. All I wanted was him in me.
"Conditioner it is."
I watch as he holds his hands out, one holding the bottle of Suave coconut conditioner and the other just out there. I watch as he lets the pearl like liquid slide over his fingers and watch as he rubs it with his thumb.
"Lean over and grab the bar."
I do as told, spreading my legs a little as I do so. I gasp as one finger slides in and works its way in and out, which one it is, I have no idea nor do I care. It isn’t long until another finger slides in. My insides are clenching them tightly enough to make me worry about breaking them.
"Do you want me in you?"
I moan, knowing where this is heading. "Yes," I breathe.
"What do you say?"
"Dammit Adam, just fuck me!"
"Say please." He teases, his finger now hitting the one spot in me that makes me crazy.
"Please!" I beg. "Please for the love of God! Please!"
I feel his fingers slide out but it isn’t long before I feel him slide in. "Yes!" I gasp.
His arm comes around me and pulls me back against him. He’s rocking against me so slowly, that I don’t think he’s doing anything until I feel the head of his cock nudge itself against my prostate. Once again he’s reduced me to noting more than liquid trapped in a body.
A noise makes me jump, but when I see it’s only the conditioner bottle hitting the floor, I relax and enjoy the pleasure that Adam is giving me, even leaning my head back against his shoulder.
"You’re so beautiful Matt," he whispers, nibbling on my neck. "Why hadn’t I noticed it before that night?"
Because we were brothers and we weren’t supposed to feel that way towards each other, but when all you had was just the two of you with hormones you didn’t understand going off and only each other to figure out what was going on, things happen. Like that night and many nights after like this one.
He’s still whispering in my ears about how beautiful I am and how much he needs me and loves me, but I barely hear him, the buzzing in my ears blocking any sound he was making.
I feel one of his arms move away from me and I watch as he now has the shampoo in his hand. "I know I said I’d wash your back, but right now, I’m finding your front much more interesting."
More coconut scent hits my nostrils as he takes his overfull hand and begins slathering the gel like liquid over my chest with his right hand while his left sets the shampoo bottle back on the rack before joining in the festivities. Most of it is going down the drain but what hasn’t is foaming up quite nicely. He then takes his soapy hands and ease them down my chest to the V of my hips down to where my throbbing erection is unattended at least it was until Adam closed his right hand around it and begins pumping it in time with his own thrusts while the left caresses my chest occasionally teasing my nipples to the point of being so sore I feel like screaming from the pain.
I can tell by the way his breathing and pace has changed that he’s about to come. I take his hand and begin helping him pump me faster so we could come at the same time which we do, both letting out howls of pleasure that seem louder in such an enclosed space and had me worried that we might have woken some of our co-workers and the entire hotel.
I don’t know how long it was before we got both our bearings back but we just stood there, water running over my body and the steam heavier, now with the scent of sex and coconut mixed into one hell of a pleasant scent. Being careful, I turn my body and look into his eyes, now glazed over in a daze. We smile at each other before we kiss. While in the embrace, I slide my hands down his back, this time careful of his sore spot and cup his ass so I could hold him closer to me. Wanting to return the favor, I let him know of my intentions by trying to sneak a finger into his opening.
I’m startled when he pushes me away an action that hurts more than you’ll ever know. Not because I got hurt, but I take it as a rejection. "Adam? What is it? Why won’t you let me reciprocate?"
"I’m sorry." He pushes his wet hair back. "My back’s still a little sore that’s all."
I move close to him again and see that damned fear in his eyes. "What’s wrong? Are you scared I’m going to hurt you? Do you think I’d be that careless with you?"
"No."
"Then why is it when I want to make love to you, you push me away?"
He says nothing before leaving the shower, leaving me there once again wondering why he reacts the way he does.
I finish my shower and walk into the room where he’s stretched out on the bed watching some kind of movie.
"Adam?"
"What babe?"
"We have to talk."
"About what?"
I snatch the remote and shut the television off. "A lot of things, starting with your reaction every time I touch you. You act like you’re scared I’m going to hurt you."
"I told you the other night. Your pleasure is all I care about."
"Well what if my pleasure is wanting to make love to you? To feel me in you? To want to taste you? Don’t you have any idea what it’s like to have you push me away every time I want to make love to you? It’s like your rejecting me and dammit Adam I want to know why."
No response, though his face is a mixture of emotions.
"Did something happen?" I ask, my tone gentler. "Something with one of the boys or -?"
"No. Nothing like that." His voice is flat.
"Then what?" A possibility comes to my head. "Did something happen while we were in the attic? Something you never told me about?"
This time he shakes his head but there’s something in his expression that makes me think I hit the nail on the head. I took his hand and held it mine. "Did grandfather do something to you? You know you can tell me."
"I know."
"Well?"
"I don’t want to talk about it. Listen Matt, I know it seems like I’m trying to hurt you when I push you away like that, but I’m not." He looks at me. "You’ve always been the strong one, you know? The one to try and hold everything together. Even after we left the attic you tried to hold our little family together." He reaches out and touches my cheek. "I just want to show my appreciation."
"Then tell me why you’re scared of me touching you."
He sighed. "I can’t. I’m sorry but I can’t."
I want to demand why, keep pressing until he finally cracked and tells me, but figuring it was late and we were both tired—at least I was after the shower—I decided to let this fight go again for now.
The phone invaded the silence.
Adam reached over and picked it up. "Hello?"
I sigh hoping it’s not a fan calling when he says, "Oh hi Stephanie."
Oh shit I think. I was going to give her my decision about the cookout but never got a chance especially after Dad’s match when he’d taken a mistimed blow from a sledgehammer and everyone worried about whether or not he’d be all right. Not that I cared much.
"No he didn’t tell me about a cookout." Adam flashes me an odd look. "When? Thursday?"
Oh, oh, I think.
"Where? At your house?" He’s gone pale as he realizes where it’ll be. "No Steph I don’t think we’ll be able to come. I know. I know you’d love to have us there but Matt and I have other plans that day. A photo session I think. Yeah. I’m sorry too. See you at the arena Thursday. Bye." He hangs up and glares at me. "When were you going to tell me about that?"
"About what?"
"About us being invited to the house for a cook out?"
"I was going to tell you before your match."
"Why didn’t you?"
"I didn’t want you to be distracted."
"So what? You were going to hold off until Thursday and then suggest a nice ride in the country to get me to go with you?"
"No."
"Good. Because I’m not going."
"I am."
If you could’ve seen the look on his face right then and there, you’d have hated me for the rest of my life, as I’m certain he will.
"You can’t be serious?"
"I’m very serious."
"Why? Why Matt?"
"It’s hard to explain."
"Then start." He growled, anger beginning to flash in those beautiful green eyes like lightning.
I pause, the look he was giving me making me very nervous. It reminded me of when Dad would get very angry at someone.
"Well? Mind telling me why in God’s name you want to go back to that house of horrors?"
"To put it behind me. To prove that I’m as strong as you think I am. To free myself of the past."
"To free yourself?" He asks me. "How can either of us be free of that place? Don’t you remember the way grandfather abused us, what they did to us trying to kill us off one by one, what they did to Chris and what that sick fuck, whatever that hell he was, Gerald almost did to Jeff?"
"I didn’t say I was going there to forgive them."
"You may as well if you walk in the door."
"Aren’t you the least bit curious?"
"About what?" He asks me.
"What it looks like? What grandfather looks like now?"
"No. If I never see that place ever again, it’d be too soon."
"Listen you don’t have to come with me if you don’t want to."
"Oh how generous of you."
"But like I said, I have to do this."
He sits up, and leans toward me. "You know I’ve never been one for ultimatums, but I’m laying one down right now. If you go back to that house, you find someone else to share your bed with."
He could’ve backhanded me across the face and it still wouldn’t have hurt as much as is words did. "You can’t be serious?"
"I’m dammed serious. It’s one thing to go and see what the place looks like from the outside. That I was willing to cope with. But to go back inside." He shook his head. "No. I won’t let you."
"Let me? Let me?" I stand up. "Where the hell do you get off dictating what I can and cannot do?"
"Because I’m your older brother that’s why."
"Well how many older brothers like fucking their little brothers in the shower? How many older brothers ask their younger ones to wear their rings and be their bitch?"
"I’ve never thought of you as my bitch. And to answer your questions, I don’t exactly recall you telling me to stop while we were in the shower and you sure as hell didn’t tell me no when I asked you to marry me. If I remember, you asked me. So if you think I’m some sick perverted bullying bastard, then remember one thing Matthew Moore Helmsley. You’re just as sick for letting me do you as I am for doing you."
The silence was so thick it was almost suffocating.
"I need some air." I announce, quickly grabbing and slipping on my sneakers and my coat.
"Where’re you going?" He asks, a touch of fear in his voice.
I’m unable to speak right then, my nerves jangled. I kiss him on the cheek before walking out of our room and to God knows where. All I know is I need some space from him right now.
I don’t know how long I was gone or even recall where I went other than to an all night Dunkin Donuts to pick Adam up a French Hazelnut coffee as a sort of apology.
I walk into the hotel and see Trish pacing in the lobby.
"Trish?" I ask, hoping nothing has happened to any of the guys.
"Oh thank God you’re here," she says in relief when she sees me.
"What is it?"
"Matt you have to hurry. It’s Adam." She pulls me by my arm and leads me to the elevators. When the door closes behind us I look at her.
"What’s wrong?"
"Amy and I were heading for our room when we heard Adam screaming something. We went in and he was thrashing about like he was having a seizure. We tried to wake him but he wouldn’t. All he kept saying was "Stop Dad! Get off me!"
Oh dear God no.
"Well we didn’t know what to do so I left Amy with him to make sure he didn’t hurt himself and by then Vince, Shane and Stephanie arrived and we tried to explain things to them but when Hunter went in to help, Adam saw him and he just went berserk, throwing things, screaming at him. Finally after Dwayne calmed him down, he just curled up in a corner and has been asking for you since then,"
"How long ago was this? When you and Amy went to your room?"
"Fifteen minutes ago."
"Damn."
"We tried to call you but you didn’t have your cell with you."
"Who’s all in there now?"
"Well Vince shooed the others out of there and last I knew it was just Dwayne and Amy."
"Dammit!" I said furious with myself for leaving him alone like that.
When the elevator doors finally did open, Trish and I walked down the hall and saw Vince standing by our doorway. "How is he?" I ask.
"Calmer. Matt, I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but once you settle things down in there, I need to speak with you abut Adam."
I nod before walking into what at one time resembled our hotel room. The bed was torn apart, some of our stuff was scattered all over and it looked like I’ll be paying for another television. It took a minute for me to figure out where Adam was when I saw the balcony door open. I inch my way closer and see Adam with his head on Amy’s lap, staring ahead of him while she murmured soothing assurances to him.
"Where’s Matt?" I hear him ask in a childlike voice.
"Trish went down to get catch him when he comes in." she replies, stroking his hair.
"I need Matt."
"I know."
"About time." I hear another male voice say. I peer around the door and see Dwayne, who’s glaring at me. "Where the hell have you been?"
Adam hears this and turns to see me standing there. He gets up and wraps his arms around me. Careful not to spill the coffee, I return the gesture, whispering ‘I’m sorry’ as Amy and Dwayne both stand.
"Thank you." I say as Amy and Dwayne walk into the room.
"No problem," Amy says patting Adam on the back. Dwayne just glares at me before following her out of the room.
When we’re finally alone, I lead Adam over to bed and hand him the coffee. "I don’t know if this is a good thing right now, but I bought this for you."
He takes it and sips it. "Thank you."
We say nothing for a few minutes. I remove my coat and kick off my sneakers. I go to close the balcony door when Adam says, "Don’t. Don’t close it."
I leave it alone and walk back to the bed. "How’re you feeling?"
"Like I’m losing my mind."
"I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to leave like that. I just needed some air."
"So did I." He gestures to the open balcony door.
I know it does me no good to ask what the dream was about because he never tells me. He says he can’t remember. All I know is they’re always about Dad doing something to him and Adam wanting him to stop.
"I’m sorry," he says.
"For what?"
He looks at me. "Have you seen what I did? Christ, I’m surprised Vince doesn’t fire me right now."
Remembering Vince wanting to talk to me, I wonder if he’s out in the hallway still. "You going to be okay for a few minutes."
"As long as I’m awake, yeah. Why?"
"Vince said he wants to talk to me."
Adam looks at his coffee. "I’m through."
"No you’re not."
"Oh no?" He looks at me. "Matt, in case you’re not keeping score this is the sixth hotel room I’ve trashed in the past year. I don’t think Vince enjoys paying for my little ‘fits’."
"Then I’ll pay for it. Just sit there and drink your coffee. I won’t be long." I kiss him before leaving the room and sure enough, Vince is still there this time talking with Dwayne, who flashes me the evil eye.
"Everything okay?"
"He’s calmer now."
"Good. Why don’t we head over here and talk?" Over by the elevator there are a couple of chairs. Dwayne has left to go back to his room.
"Matt," Vince begins. "I know you’re not going to want to hear this on top of everything, but –"
"Excuse me for interrupting, but if it’s about Adam I’ll pay for the room myself."
"I’ll keep that in mind, but that’s not what I’m talking about. As I said you’re not going to want to hear this, but I think it’s best if Adam takes a leave of absence until he can get some help for what’s troubling him."
Want to know what’s troubling him? Ask your damn son in law.
"I know my word doesn’t mean much right now, but I promise you Vince, this won’t happen again."
"You said that in Detroit and look what’s happened."
"He and I had a fight before I left. If anyone’s to blame for this incident, it should be me. Not Adam."
"You’ve been together five years now?"
"Yes."
"How long had you been together before then?"
I want to say twenty years, but I didn’t. "Two or three years or so."
"Has he ever told you what causes these night terrors of his?"
"No."
"He’s never told you about himself? Never brought up why he behaves the way he does?"
"Mr. McMahon, I know our relationship sounds strange to you, but I love Adam. Now he may have had a painful past that he doesn’t want to talk about and maybe that’s why he behaves the way he does. I’ve never wanted to push him into explaining himself, but wrestling is everything to him. It’s the one thin thread he has on his sanity and I’m asking you to please not take that away from him. He’s never let the nightmares interfere with his job. He’s always been dead on with his marks and his promos. I’m asking you, don’t take that away from him. Please. Not now."
He looks contemplative. "All right. I won’t ask for a leave of absence right now, but you have to give me something in return."
"What?"
"I want you to tell him that he needs help. I’m willing to provide a therapist if need be, but you have to let him know if he doesn’t get help for these night terrors he has, then I will have to suspend him for his own good. Not indefinitely, but only until he can prove to me and Linda that he’s on the road to recovery. Deal."
"Deal."
We shake hands and he wishes me good night before I walk back to our room where Adam has fixed the bed somewhat and is laid out on top of the rumpled sheets. "Well?"
"You’re still with the Fed."
He sighs in relief.
"But there’s a catch."
"What?"
"You have to start seeing a therapist." I get into bed beside him.
"Damn."
I put an arm around his shoulders. "It won’t be so bad."
"Yeah but to tell a total stranger about us…"
"Maybe it won’t have to be a total stranger."
He looks at me.
"Remember when I said Collette and Mick might make their way up to Greenwich for Smack Down?"
"Yeah."
"Talk to her. Resume your sessions. I know it’ll have to be long distance and over the phone sometimes, but she knows our history and we know she can help us."
"As long as she doesn’t try to prescribe any sleeping pills. I’ll try anything but not those."
"Okay." I kiss his temple.
"Matt?"
"Hmm?"
"Promise me you won’t go to the house Thursday." He looks at me. "Please."
I say nothing at first.
"We’ll make a deal." He says. "I go back into therapy with Collette and you don’t go to the house Thursday."
I want to tell him no, that I’m going to the house regardless, but I look into those green eyes and sigh. "Okay. I won’t."
He smiles before giving me a hug.
It’s a shame it’s a deal I won’t keep.
11
Thursday came and true to her word, both Collette and Mick arrived in Greenwich.
Adam and I waited in the airport after having arrived the night before. In the two days after Adam’s night terror, he promised Vince he’d seek counseling and has been in a pretty good mood. That was until we arrived here. He’d been tense the entire drive from our meeting with Vince in Stamford to Greenwich but luckily he seems to be more relaxed as we waited for Mick and Collette to disembark their plane, even posing for photos and signing autographs for the fans who recognized him.
When we called her to find out when her flight was going to be, we told her about the episode and Vince’s ultimatum.
"Don’t worry about a thing guys," she told us over the speakerphone. "We’ll take care of things when we get there."
"What’s taking so long?" Adam asked checking his watch. "Their plane should’ve been here fifteen minutes ago."
"Adam! Matthew!"
Hearing Mick’s booming voice, we looked in their direction and ran over to where they were. Bear hugging the both of us, he held us back to look us over. "Are you two eating okay? And sorry Adam, coffee doesn’t count as a food group."
Assuring him we were eating just fine, we both turned to Collette who was as model gorgeous as ever. "How’re you doing Adam?" She touched his face.
"Scared."
She nods before looking at me. "And you?"
"Nervous."
Another nod. "I’m glad you decided not to go to the house."
I squirm a little, not letting on that I was planning to anyway, just not letting them know right then.
"Let’s get this stuff in the car and get you settled." Adam offered, taking Collette’s bags while I grabbed Mick’s.
All along the drive to the hotel there was an endless stream of chatter, mostly Mick regaling us with stories from his training facility in Florida. To look at them you wouldn’t think Mick and Collette would last as a blind date let along as a long marriage; she was a brunette stunner with both me and Adam having crushes on her at one time and Mick, in his own words, resembled a rumpled suit what with his years as the "King of Hardcore" taking its toll on him, but they’d been married for over twenty-five years and though they never had any children of their own, they were happy and content with their lives even after three frightened, scarred and homeless kids bumbled their way into their lives.
"You’ve been quiet Matthew. How are things for you?" Mick asked, asked from the back seat where he and Collette sat.
"About the same."
"Either of you got girlfriends yet?"
Adam and I exchanged looks. In anticipation of their visit, we removed our rings, hiding them in our bags so they wouldn’t see them. "No one steady." Adam tells him.
"Well you’re young yet. Plenty of time to sample before settling."
"Mick Foley!" Collette reprimanded with a laugh. "Are you telling me that you settled for me?"
"Well after I sampled what you had to offer, how could I resist?"
Laughter filled the car as we pulled up to the hotel carport. After getting the bags and checking them in, we helped them get settled in their room before going to ours, promising to meet them for lunch a little later on. We arrived in our room where I felt Adam’s arms encircle my waist. "Collette’s not the only one glad you’re not going to the house." He whispers.
I sigh, not out of any irritation but out of regret. Regret over knowing I was going to lie and betray Adam’s trust by going to the house later.
"When do you think we should tell them about us?" I asked hoping to change the subject. I released myself from Adam’s grip and walked to a chair.
"Why should we?" Adam sat on the corner of the bed.
"Because, if Mick does come back as Commissioner, he’s going to find out."
"Are you scared he’ll disown us?"
"No. But I am a little worried about his reaction."
"We could tell them over lunch."
"And risk someone overhearing us?" I shake my head. "Not cool."
"Well when do you want to tell them?"
"Soon."
"Are you okay Matt?"
"Yeah why?"
"You seem a little distracted."
"I don’t know. Maybe seeing Mick and Collette’s just bringing back memories of the good old days before Jeff died."
"Remember how he wouldn’t eat anything unless he saw it being made?"
"Yeah." I said, recalling the times Jeff would watch Collette make dinner. At first she believed it was a case of his showing interest in cooking until we told her the real reason; it was because he was afraid she might poison him the way our grandfather had. We were afraid she might’ve been offended, but instead she showed him how to make dinner in case she couldn’t and let him watch to put his mind at ease. I don’t know why Jeff sought out our father when he had people like the Foleys who loved him.
"Matt?"
I look at Adam, who looks at me in concern. "I’m fine." I assure him.
"So where should we take them for lunch?"
I almost beg off lunch, but decide not to make Adam suspicious. "I guess anywhere’s good." I watch Adam walk to the nightstand and dig out the phone book to see what Greenwich had to offer. As I sit there in the chair, I wonder how I’m going to make it over to the house without Adam and Collette finding out.
My heart is pounding, my head is spinning and my palms are sweating as I drive toward the house.
After having lunch, Adam asked if I wanted to join he, Mick and Collette to do some shopping. I begged off saying I wanted to run some errands before Smack Down and that I would meet them there.
I check the directions Stephanie gave me when I ran into her in the lobby and make sure I was on the main road to the house and not the sub-road that takes you past the house. That was the road we’d taken when I came with Adam a few years ago to see what the house looked like from the outside.
I slow the car to a crawl as I approached, wanting to take in the sight ahead of me.
It was one thing to see the house from afar but to see it this close after all this time, I couldn’t believe how large it was. As I said, it resembled a college hall more than a home making me wonder how much money Stephanie sunk into remodeling it.
I pull in between two cars and get out. I can do this, I tell myself, rubbing my palms against my jeans. I can do this.
Propped against the car, I look around the front of the house before raising my eyes to the where the attic windows were and for second, I thought I saw something up there. Something that looked like Christian. I blink before trying to get a better look, but there’s nothing there.
"Matt hi!"
I look to see Stephanie approach me, wearing a sweater with leaf prints on it, a pair of faded jeans and sneakers. "Hey," I greet, still a little rattled by what just happened.
"Everyone’s out back." She takes my arm and leads me to the door. Common sense tells me I should beg off and not go in, but my curiosity is getting the better of me and I let her lead me into the house.
Guess there’s no turning back now is there?
We walk into the foyer which is bright with white marble floor and pale oak banister gleaming in the sun coming through a cathedral style window which sets above the door, but in my mind’s eye, it’s still dark from being nighttime when we arrived. I fight the impulse to head up the stairs to check out the attic right off allowing Stephanie to lead me straight through to the backyard, if that’s what one calls acres of land.
"Hey Steph, I thought this was for Alliance members only." I heard Tazz joke before laughing.
"Well then what are you doing here?" She cracks back, before looking at me. "Help yourself to any of the appetizers. Paul and Shane should be back with the meat in a few minutes."
Shit, I forgot about Shane being here. Now I’m going to have to not only deal with being here but Shane’s smarmy come-ons.
I said hi to a few of my fellow partiers including Test, Kidman, and Jericho before finding a bench to sit on, my eyes always looking up toward the attic.
"Quite a house isn’t it?" Jericho asks, sitting next to me.
"She give the full tour yet?"
"That’s after dinner." He looks at me. "Where’s Adam?"
"He couldn’t make it. Mick and Collette’s in town and he wanted to spend some time with them."
"How does Mick feel about you and Adam?" He asks, sipping from a bottle of water.
He doesn’t know, I want to say. "He was a little unsure at the beginning but he’s really taken a liking to Adam." Have I mentioned that most of the Fed thinks Mick and Collette are mine and Jeff’s adoptive parents? That’s right folks, the lies keep on going.
"They say it’s haunted."
Chris’s comment distracts me from my looking up at the attic. "What?"
He swallows the gulp of water. "The attic." He points to it with his bottle. "They say it’s haunted."
"Who’re they?"
"Shane and Steph. According to her, when they moved in after their honeymoon, they could hear noises from the attic."
"What kind of noises?"
"Feet running. Children laughing. That sort of thing. Shane and Stephanie said they’d tried to investigate what was going on, but Pat had the wing leading to the attic locked off. Forbade anyone to go in there. Though Stephanie said she saw Hunter go in there once or twice."
I don’t know if it was me or if the autumn air had grown colder but I shivered, wondering if things would’ve been different if she had followed Dad and found us.
"About fucking time!" We hear Tazz gripe. "You invite all us carnivores out here and not have the meat ready."
I watch as Dad and Shane arrive with a cooler full of what we assume is meat.
"Save your bitching for someone who cares Pete." Shane says before spotting me. I feel a headache coming on when he walks over to where Chris and I are sitting.
"Glad you could come."
"I just bet you are."
"Where’s Adam?"
"Spending time with the in-laws." Chris volunteers before leaving.
"Mick and Collette in town?" Shane sits next to me.
"Yeah."
"I thought you’d spend time with them seeing how they’re your parents."
"I know, but I thought I’d give them a chance to spend some time with Adam."
"How is he by the way? I hadn’t really seen too much of him since Rhode Island." That was where we were two days ago, when Adam had his spell.
"He’s better."
"I heard Dad wants him to look into counseling."
"He will. He’s going to talk to Collette about it."
"Good. He’s a good wrestler. I’d hate to see his demons get to him."
It’s then I glare at Dad who, with some help from Vince, is trying to get the fire just right.
"Matt?"
I glance at him before looking around hoping he’d just get the hint that I don’t want him around. We sit there not saying anything to each other, my eyes still wandering up to the attic windows.
"When Steph first moved in here, she swore up and down that she could hear children up there."
"That’s what Chris said."
"I was in my ghost hunting phase then. I wanted so badly to get in there and find out if there were ghosts in there or not."
I say nothing, knowing if he had gotten in, he’d have found more than just ghosts but four kids that felt like ghosts.
I only half listen to Shane’s blathering as I look around. Dad and Stephanie seemed occupied with the cooking, Vince and Linda were talking with Heyman, now if only I can get rid of Shane, I figured now was as good a time as any to head up and check the place out.
"I need to use your bathroom." Lame I know, but effective.
"You might have to use the ones upstairs. The one down here isn’t done yet. Want me to show you where it is?"
"No. I’ll find it." I stand.
"Well if you have any trouble just ask the maids."
I walk back into the house, major déjà vu coming back as I followed the same path we had that night fifteen years ago; through the kitchen, down the little hallway leading to the foyer, then up the ornate stairway, take a left, walk down a hall, and then another left where I pause when I see the single door at the end of the hallway. I look and see the double doors that would have barred entrance to anyone but those who had the key were open wide, as though inviting me in.
I stand there for what feels like forever debating whether or not to take another step or just turn around and forget this silly idea of mine. A part of me wants to turn back but the little devil on my shoulder goads me on, saying it’s too late now, and I walk down the hall, the thundering sounds of my heart beating in my ear drown out any sound that is around me, until finally I come face to face with the door, behind which souls were scarred, lives changed irrevocably and a life taken from us to soon.
I reached for the doorknob, silently praying that it was locked, giving me an excuse to turn around and keep the promise I’d made to Adam-- well, sort of -- but it turns and the door opens with a squeak so loud, I look behind me to make sure no one heard it. I feel for the light switch and when I find it, I flip it on and gasp.
My God, it looks exactly the same as it did when we first moved in here.
I was hoping it’d be nothing more than a storage room with boxes and other stuff from Stephanie’s remodeling but it was as pristine as it was when we arrived. The two beds perfectly made, the dresser and table with the four chairs right where they were, though covered with more than an inch’s worth of dust from being unused all these years.
For a second, I forget to breathe as memories come back; our first meal together, the time grandfather had attacked us, our first Christmas, the beatings our grandfather doled out, watching how sick the twins had become, how Adam and I had began sleeping together not as brothers but as lovers, Dad taking Christian from here and then telling us he’d died on the way to the hospital, the time Adam and I came from the attic and attacked Gerald while he was trying to molest Jeff. It was then we’d gotten the key that gave us our freedom.
Everything is coming back so fast I nearly swoon and a paranoid thought comes to mind; Did our grandfather know we’d been invited here? Is that why the doors had been left open as though inviting Adam and me to come and relive our hell?
Thank God he didn’t come with me. If being here is stressing me out, then I could only imagine what it would do to Adam.
I walk deeper into the room, just looking around. I pause in front of the dresser and open one of the drawers, startled to see clothing still in there. I take out the shirt on top and remember it as being one of mine that Dad had brought as a present during one of his sporadic visits after he started going back on the road. Not bothering to refold it, I put it back in the drawer and closed it. I turn to head for the attic door when my foot hits something. I look down and see a Hot Wheel car zip across the floor before crashing into a bedpost. I bend down to pick it up and almost lose it right then as I hold it in my hand, recognizing it as one from Christian’s collection, one we must’ve forgotten in our haste to get out of here since Jeff managed to get all the cars he could packed into our suitcase. I could see him clear as day, watching him and Jeff push the cars, pretending to have drag races, even when they were eleven and thought to have outgrown them, they still played with them. I wasn’t until we’d left here that we – Adam and I – realized that playing with their cars was their coping mechanism. If they could pretend for a little while that they were somewhere else other than here then it made every day and every terror more bearable. For them any ways.
I tuck the car into my pants pocket and head for the door that led to the attic itself, once again thinking it was locked and once again surprised when it opened with very little effort. I switched the light in the little stairway on before walking up the stairs, feeling very much like I did the first time the four of us came up here; excited at what we might find but scared at the same time. Upstairs the attic was illuminated by the afternoon sun making this place look ethereal, almost ghost like. For a second I thought I was hallucinating, like in a virtual reality game, but feeling a box lid brush my leg and almost jumping out of my skin at the contact, I knew being here was all too real.
You have to actually be here to see the immenseness of the attic. From where I stand, nearly choking from the mustiness of it, it looks like a warehouse with boxes and boxes everywhere. We’d cleared little paths throughout so we could get to certain spots of the attic we needed to go in a hurry. I walk to the windows, being careful no one sees me, and watch the party in full swing, even hearing some music floating through the air. I recall another party we saw in full swing with music; our father and Stephanie’s wedding reception. Adam and I sat at a window far enough away so no one would see us and watched as our father took congratulations and another wife. One who fit in where our mother had not. One whose father gave ours the biggest career boost in his life as a wedding present.
"Maybe he’ll let us out now?" I could hear Jeff asking me from over my shoulder as he and Christian watched along with us.
But he never did.
Thinking of Jeff, I look around and find it. The swing. We’d put it up on the beam a week after the chaos I wrote about earlier. Dad thought it might allow Jeff to burn off some energy while we were up here. Of course at the time, we honestly thought we wouldn’t be up here long. Making my way though a little path, I tug on it to see if it was still solid. It really wasn’t much, just a long rope with a plastic seat and a knot tied underneath it to keep the seat in place, though Jeff never used the seat much, his daredevil antics having followed him from home as he would do acrobatics on there, mostly him hanging upside down, his legs twined around the rope with his arms spread wide and a grin on his face as if he were the only person to have come up with the trick.
"Look Matty!" I could hear him shout only to hear my voice telling him to knock it off and get down from there before he fell, a mistake I wouldn’t make again if I knew it would bring him back.
Right now my eyes are watering so bad I can’t tell if they’re tears or if it’s from the dust.
Taking a few deep breaths, I try to collect myself when I follow another path out of curiosity and halt to a stop when I see the sleeping bag and the half burned candle laying there. This time memories of another kind come back. This was where Adam and I would come to be alone after the twins were asleep. And when I say ‘alone’, I meant ‘alone’ in the biblical sense, the kind of ‘alone’ that society frowns on when it’s two blood siblings. I guess what I’m trying to say without offending anyone is this is where Adam and I would come and make love to each other, our bodies naked and our kisses hungry for the other, not giving a damn what anyone thought because outside of our little world, no one other than the twins existed and we were always careful to keep an ear out in case one of them woke up and came looking for us.
I close my eyes and I can still remember the first night Adam kissed me. He was about fourteen and I was twelve. We’d been in this hole two years. It was a summer night I recall, and we’d moved the sleeping bag so we could sleep in front of the window which we only opened an inch or so, so we could catch a stray breeze. We were horsing around while the twins were downstairs asleep when Adam caught me in a pinning predicament, with me on my back and his hands holding my wrists on top of my head, trying to get me to admit he was the better between us, and I wouldn’t, just kept egging him on with some smart ass comments until he rested his body on mine. It wasn’t meant to be sexual but it became so somehow when I looked into his green eyes and saw something I didn’t recognize but that had thrilled and scared me at the same time. I remember trembling in anticipation as he slid his hands down my arms before taking my head in his hands and resting his lips on mine.
I still feel the shock of our lips touching go through me. His lips were so soft I didn’t believe he’d done anything until I felt his tongue try and pry my lips open. I remembered before Mom died how he’d bragged about French kissing a girl in his class and I didn’t believe him until I felt his tongue caress mine with expertise. It felt weird but yet so right, even as I wrapped my arms around him, I knew there was no other person I wanted to kiss me more than him. We broke the kiss eventually and as if waking from a dream, he’d looked at me and I saw the guilt in his eyes. He’d apologized saying, "Oh God Matt I’m sorry," before getting off me and ran back to the bedroom in such a flash, I wondered if what happened actually did happen . . .
Coming back to the here and now, I see a box sticking out haphazrdly from a pile of boxes. I pull it out and open it, gasping when I see what’s inside; the various Christmas ornaments we’d made for our first Christmas here. I take out five snowflakes that Jeff and Christian had made, each one on different colored paper with our names as well as Dad’s on it. I set Dad’s back in the box and stare at them, the emotions that had been threatening to overwhelm me returning as I now question my coming here without Collette to help me deal with it. Choking back a sob, I slip the snowflakes into the same pocket as the Hot Wheels car. I knew it was risky to take these things but damnit, they were ours and I had as much right as anyone to have them. I was tempted to go through the other boxes for more mementoes when I hear a voice.
"Matt?"
I look to the door and think Adam’s standing there, but as my senses sharpen, I see it’s only Shane standing there looking at me with an odd expression.
Oh Christ, just what I didn’t need.
"What’re you doing up here?" He asks me as he walks to where I’m standing.
"I got lost," was all I could come up with hoping Shane didn’t notice my tears.
"Don’t feel bad, so did I when Steph invited me here the first time." He looks around. "You know I’ve never really been up here before."
"How did you find me?" I whisper.
"Just wandered until I came to this hallway and saw the door was open." He looked at me though I had my head turned from him. "Matt, you okay?"
"Yeah." I took a breath, relieved to collect my composure so easily. "It’s just the dust in here."
"I didn’t know you were allergic."
"Well there’s a lot you don’t know about me." I nudge the box back into its original slot.
"What’s in there?" he stepped closer and when he reached to pull the box back out, our hands touched. I jerked mine away as if he burned me.
"I didn’t mean to snoop." I walk to the windows, keeping my back to him.
"No biggie." Shane dismissed.
I wasn’t aware he’d walked over to me until I felt his hands on my shoulders. I tried to move but he wouldn’t let me. "I’m warning you Shane you try anything right now and I don’t care if everyone knows, but I’m telling Vince." I warned.
"Relax. I thought you might need someone to talk to right now. I was watching you for a few seconds there and it looked like you were having some bad memories or something."
"My memories are mine and you are the last person I want to talk to right now." I prayed he didn’t see me pocket the ornaments.
He moves around so we’re face to face. "Ever since you guys got the itinerary and found out you were coming here, you and Adam have been acting strange. Hell, I’m surprised you came to the house at all."
"We just have some bad memories of Greenwich that’s all."
"You guys live here before?"
I look at him. "Listen, I’m not in the mood for an interrogation right now, so why don’t we leave and join the par-"
He cuts me off with a kiss. Not hard and possessive but as soft and gentle as any Adam has given me. Thinking of Adam, I pull back. "That’s it," I say more angry at myself than with Shane. "I’ve put up with your smarmy assed remarks and now this. No, this ends now." I turn to leave, but he grabs my arm. "Let me go."
"Will you just relax? I’m not going to hurt you."
"Then let go."
"Only if you calm down."
"You mean only if I promise to keep my mouth shut?"
"You know I’m beginning to wonder if Adam isn’t the only one who needs counseling."
"Oh now you’re saying I’m crazy?" I ask.
"No just a little high strung."
"Can you blame me? It seems like every goddamned time you and I are anywhere around each other, you come up with these sleazy remarks and you even hit on me in front of my husband, so yeah if that makes me a little high strung, then I guess I am."
"I’m sorry."
"And you think that makes everything okay? Just one little "I’m sorry" is going to make how you make me feel when you shoot off like that any better?"
"How do I make you feel?"
"Like some cheap little matrat you want to get in bed." I hold my left hand to his face to show him the ring that I put back on my finger. "You see this? Do you have any idea what this means? This means I am taken. I am with another man. That I have made vows and, unlike most of the boys, I intend to keep my vows and that includes staying faithful to Adam." I lower my hand. "Now has any of that sunk into that thick skull of yours?"
He looks at me with an expression I can’t really read and lets go of my arm. "Why couldn’t we have met before you met him?" He asks, totally throwing me off balance.
"Gee could it have been that we were working the independent scene while you were the heir apparent?"
"It wouldn’t have mattered to me. I fell for you the first second Dad showed me a tape of you and Jeff from Florida. I’ll admit Jeff was a very handsome kid, but you," a pause. "You took my breath away, even in those silly tights of yours. Then the two of you came and every time you would wrestle, I would watch you, wishing I could have you. Not just in my bed, but with me on the road, at the office, at my house. See Matt it’s not just sex that I’ve wanted from you but you. You and Adam put on a good show for everyone, but I know you’ve been suffering because of whatever Adam’s problems are and I may be off base here, but I can tell that there’s something in your past too, something that must’ve affected Jeff so badly to want to die the way he did, yet here you are." He sighs. "I know I’ve been a total shit to you and Adam, but there’s no other way to explain it other than outright jealousy."
He walks over to the window sits on the edge and looks at me. "God what I wouldn’t give to have what you two have. I’ve been in and out of so many relationships, my room should have a revolving door. Either they cheat on me or I cheat on them, but then I see you and Adam so fucking happy it makes me angry. I know it’s no excuse, but there it is. He has what I want. Not just you, but someone who’s willing to stick by him and love him no matter what. I know this is the last thing you want to hear from me, but if things get too stressful with Adam and you need someone to talk to, I’ll listen and that is with no strings attached."
I honestly don’t know what to make of this and luckily Stephanie’s voice saved me from replying.
"There you guys are." She said coming up the steps. "Mom and Dad were wondering where you two wandered off to. They were getting worried."
"I got lost," I said weakly.
"And I had to find him per your husband’s request." Shane stood reverting back to the cocky asshole I knew and loathed.
"Well come on, everything’s cooked and Tazz is starting to bitch."
"Just throw him a bone to gnaw on." Shane says. "That’ll keep him entertained."
"Be careful on the third step." Stephanie cautioned. "Because-"
"It’s loose." I say, remembering having to warn Jeff and Christian about it on numerous occasions.
They both look at me.
"I noticed it when I came up." I cover as we reach the bedroom.
"So this is the room Pat didn’t want us to see." She comments as she looked around. "I wonder if it was ever used."
Oh Stephanie, if you only knew.
We leave the room, closing the door behind us. We walk back the same way I came and just as we reach the steps, I see a man in a wheelchair down the hall, watching us. "Not to be rude," I say, "but who’s that?"
"Oh that’s Paul’s father, Pat. Hi Pat!" she calls waving to him.
He waves back.
We wait while Stephanie goes to have a word with him. I couldn’t help but stare. He looked so frail compared the bully I recall him being. I watch as she answers a question and points at me and for a second I thought I saw him recognize me. I pray that’s not the case.
"Okay now, we’ll make sure Bonita brings you up a plate." Stephanie says rejoining Shane and I at the head of the stairs. As we head down, I glance in the old man’s direction and swears he’s smiling at me, and not the benevolent smile one bestows on the young, but the one he would give us whenever he was about to dole out the punishments. Practically shaking, I hurry downstairs to catch up with Shane and Stephanie wanting to get as far from him as possible.
12
It was a festive atmosphere backstage that night as many of the old timers who were visiting talked with some of those who were working behind the scenes, but I barely noticed as I hurried to get to mine and Adam’s dressing room. The picnic, which hadn’t been such a bad thing, especially since I didn’t have to be anywhere near my father the time I was there, had lasted until five thirty and we all had to haul ass to get here by at least seven for the ‘head check’ even though Vince was late arriving as well.
After Earl made sure I was here, I walked into our dressing room and saw it was empty other than Adam’s stuff lying out. "Adam?" I holler, setting my stuff down near his. "Honey, you here?"
Not hearing anything, I assume he’s talking to Rob about the hardcore match they were going to have that night. Kanyon and I had discussed ours at the picnic so that gave me extra time to change into my ring gear. I hear the door whisper open and see Adam walk into the room with, you guessed it, a cup of coffee in his hand. "Cutting it a bit fine aren’t you honey?" He asks me before we kiss.
"I lost track of time."
"Want a sip?"
I take a quick one as I zip up my ring pants. I hand the cup back to him as he’s digging around his bag for something. "Ready for tonight?" I ask yanking a shirt on.
"I’d be even more ready if I knew grandfather wasn’t coming tonight."
"Seen him yet?"
"No. But he’s here. I heard Stephanie telling Slaughter to make sure he was comfortable."
"Funny considering the history that they had against each other."
He says nothing as he sits down and begins getting his gear out. "Matt? You got any tape?"
"Yeah." I reach in my bag and I see the snowflakes sitting on top. Sliding him a glance, I quickly hide them in my journal before I hand him the tape.
"Thanks."
The door whispers again and we see it’s Shane. I pause, wondering if he’s going to say anything about my having been at the house that afternoon. "I hate to rush you guys, but Dad says he’d like to get some video of you and some of the headliners with the legends."
"Give us ten minutes to change and we’ll be out." I say. He looks at me with an unusual look before leaving.
"I don’t know if I can do this," Adam whispers taking his shirt off.
"We can. He knows we’re going to be on television, so I don’t think he’ll start anything."
"All I can say is thank God you’re here." He eases out of his always too tight looking jeans. "Where did you go this afternoon? You were gone for hours."
"Just picked up a couple of books, some CD’s. Odds and ends stuff like that to hold us for a while."
"That reminds me," he takes his tights out of his bag. "I have to pick up some conditioner before too long."
I blush when I think of why he ran low to begin with. I blush even deeper when I hear him laughing at me.
The ‘meet and greet’ went well and for a while both Adam and I were relaxed enough to enjoy things even when Bob Backlund got into a cross-face chicken-wing contest with Tazz, with Mr. Backlund winning hands down, making Tazz tap out.
"So you two holding up okay?" Collette asks us while Mick is over mixing with Dwayne and his father, Rocky Johnson.
"So far." Adam said tucking his hands in his coat pocket. Unless he’s got a coffee cup in one of them, he really doesn’t know what to do with them.
She looks at me. "You were gone for quite a while this afternoon, Matt."
"Well I had to get some stuff for the road."
"Which thank God we don’t have to go back on until next week after tonight," Adam said, mentioning the one-week break Vince was giving us in light of recent events.
"Yeah, but are you really looking forward to doing the laundry?" I ask.
"I did it last time."
"No you didn’t. You slept and watched TV the whole time. The only time you bothered doing anything was when I suggested we pay Mick and Collette a visit for the weekend."
"What can I say, you make a great housewife."
I roll my eyes, recalling him saying that on more than one occasion while we were in the attic.
"Hi." We hear Stephanie say from behind. She moves past us to give Collette a quick hug before looking at Adam and me. "Listen Matt, I know you didn’t get to say hello earlier but my father in law would love to meet you. The both of you actually." She looks at Adam as do I. He seems calm and professional but I could almost see him start to shake and break out in a sweat as he looks past Stephanie to where our father and grandfather are talking to Vince.
"Could you give us a couple of minutes?"
"Sure," she heads back over to where they’re standing. She says something, making grandfather look in our direction. There was no smile or any kind of expression this time though my body temperature drops twenty degrees as I recall the smile he’d given me at the house.
"Matt?" Collette attracts my attention. "What did she mean by ‘not getting to say hello earlier’?"
I look at Adam and I know he’s thinking the exact thing, though he’s not really looking at me right now. "I saw them on the way in but I was in a hurry to get to the dressing room that I didn’t stop to say hi."
She nods in the way she does when she thinks I’m lying, but is more worried about Adam right now.
"I can’t do this." I hear him whisper. "I can’t go over there."
"Adam, would it help if I went over with you?" She asks.
"Doesn’t matter. I can’t do it."
"Adam," now it was my turn. "He can’t say or do anything to hurt us. Not without revealing to Vince what happened."
"And Vince’ll believe us if he did?"
I follow his stare again and see it isn’t so much focused on grandfather but our father and realize that’s the real reason he doesn’t want to go over. He doesn’t want to be anywhere near our father. Dammit what did Dad do to him that scares him so much?
"Adam," Collette again, stroking his arm and shoulder. "You can do this."
He shakes his head almost hyperventilating. "I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t." He turns and leaves Collette and me to head out the door of the dining room.
"I’ll take care of him." Collette says following him. I watch as Mick approaches her and she explains what’s going on. Mick excuses himself and goes with her.
I know I should follow suit, to help Adam through this latest strain on his nerves, but I see Shane watching me, so taking a deep breath, I walk over to where the McMahons and my father and grandfather are.
"Hi," I try to be professional, but it’s taking everything I have to not just lash out and strangle both the man in the wheelchair and the one with his arm around Stephanie.
"What’s wrong with Adam?" Dad asks.
You tell me. "He’s a little stressed out over his match tonight," I cover as I am now face to face for the first time in ten years with the man who’s not haunted my dreams, but Jeff’s and Adam’s, the man who made our lives a living hell and the man who poisoned Christian.
I wonder if I kill him now, if it would be considered justifiable homicide.
"Dad," our father says, crouching down by the old man’s chair. "This is Matt Hardy."
"Hardy?" Grandfather says, his voice raspy.
"He was at the picnic today." Stephanie explained. "You saw him with me and Shane when we were upstairs."
He nods in the way one does when remembering. Then he does something I never expected. He holds his hand out, expecting me to shake it.
God what I wouldn’t do to spit in his face, but with everyone watching, I think that might be a little inappropriate. Not that I would’ve cared, but I didn’t want to explain to Vince why I spit in his son-in-law’s father’s face without getting into the gory details, so with much hesitation I reach out my own hand and took it in his. It’s as frail as he is, but there’s some remnant of strength in it as he squeezes tightly before letting go.
"My son has told me quite a bit about you." He speaks, his voice a little stronger now. "Says you’re quite the wrestler."
"I do all right."
"Didn’t you have a brother at one time tagging with you?"
I had two brothers and you killed both of them; one directly, one indirectly. "I did."
"Jeff passed away a year or so ago." Shane pointed out.
"Sorry to hear that."
I just bet you are you son of a bitch. I say nothing, just nod.
"Who’s the other one I saw you with earlier?"
"That’s Adam." Stephanie volunteers. "Matt’s partner."
"Tag?"
"Life." I say, showing him my ring with a bit of a smirk as though challenging him to say something.
I see a look of hostility on his face. The old man was a homophobe after all, from what I’d heard about him and from my own experiences with him.
"Our anniversary was a few days ago. Our fifth."
"Congratulations."
Again I say nothing, now wondering if I’d given him another piece of ammunition to hurt Adam and me with.
"Matt," Shane says. "Shouldn’t you get ready for your match with Kanyon?"
I’m almost grateful for him for breaking this up. "He’s right. I’ve got to get warmed up and check on Adam. Pleasure meeting you, Mr. Patterson." I say, using his ring name, before leaving the dining area. I get around the door and down the hall a bit before propping myself up against a wall and sliding down it, curling into a ball. Remembering to breathe, I didn’t know if I was grateful for getting past what just happened without becoming a total basket case or that the old man didn’t recognize me and give me away right then. I saw the recognition in his eyes and I knew he was trying to push my buttons when he asked about Jeff and Adam and considered the disgust on his face when Stephanie told him about me and Adam being partners a small victory on my part.
Getting my bearings together, I stand and as I get ready to head to mine and Adam’s dressing room to check on him, I run smack dab into Shane. "Excuse me." I try to pass, but he prevents me from doing so. "What?"
"That’s what I’d like to know. I was watching the two of you while you were talking to Collette Foley. You were all tense and Adam looked like he was going to have a panic attack right then and there, especially after Stephanie told us that she’d invited you two over to talk to Pat. After that, Adam was out the door like Satan was on his tail and you got this dark evil look on your face, like you wanted to kill the guy."
You have no idea how right you are Shane. "Like I said, Adam’s just wound up about his shot with Rob."
He shakes his head. "That’s bullshit and we both know it. Something’s going on with you two, has been for a long time and in some way, not only Pat but also Hunter is behind it. I was there the night Adam had that night terror Matt, I saw Adam when he saw Hunter and I saw him act like a caged animal wanting release. Now what the hell is going on?"
I move until we are nose to nose with each other. "Listen," I say with deadly intent. "This is mine and Adam’s problem. Not yours. You know nothing about us, nor do we want you to. As long as we appear at the matches, any publicity junket and autograph signing you book us at and we go out and hit our marks and do our promos, then our private lives are ours. Not yours. So just stay the hell away from Adam and me, because if I ever hear of you going near him about this, not only will I finally go to Vince and tell him about your sleazy behavior, but I’ll beat the shit right out of you, which is what I should’ve done a long time ago because I will do what I have to do to protect Adam and I don’t care if it costs me my career."
We said nothing for a few seconds before I finally moved and headed for my and Adam’s dressing room hoping that he had gotten the message at last.
Two hours later I sat in the trainers room watching our doctor tie the knot on the last stitch of six Adam had over his eye, courtesy of Rob hitting him with the VanDaminator during their match. Me, I had an ice pack on the back of my head no thanks to the chair shot Kanyon had used to retain his US belt. I knew going in he would do it but damn it still hurts.
"You okay babe?" Adam asks me as the doctor was cleaning the blood off his handsome face.
"I should be asking you that. You’re the one who had a Hardcore title match."
"Twas nothin’," he said before laughing.
"So how are you feeling from earlier?"
He looks at me wondering what I mean when he figures it out. "Fine. Collette and Mick calmed me down."
"Have you given any thought to resuming therapy with her?"
"Yeah, but it won’t be with her."
"Why not?"
"Because she feels it would be a conflict of interest." He waits until the doctor leaves the room before continuing. "She feels because she’s our legal guardian, she shouldn’t be allowed to treat me."
"Yeah but she stopped being our legal guardian when we turned twenty one and she’s the only person you trust."
"I know, but she has recommended someone in her office she says is very discreet."
"You don’t need discretion. You need someone you can trust."
"Well, I’m going to give it a couple of sessions and see how it goes."
I get off the stool and walk over to where he’s sitting. "I’m proud of you, you know that?" I say caressing his cheek.
"And I’m proud of you."
"For what? I haven’t done much."
"Only just been there for me through everything and I mean everything. Someone else would’ve washed their hands of me a long time ago."
"I’m not someone else, I’m your husband."
"And my brother."
"No one knows. No one has to."
"Matt?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you hate me?"
"Hate you?" I ask. "For what?"
"Everything."
"Define ‘everything’." I push his sweat-drenched hair back, allowing me a better look at his face.
"The night terrors, what’s gone on between us, my being a total bitch at times," a pause. "My molesting you the way I have."
I blinked. "What the hell are you talking about? You never-"
"Haven’t I? Ever since that night in the attic, I’ve done things to you that I should never have."
"Like what? Protect me?"
"You know what I mean. Making you my lover, my husband."
"Have you heard me complain?"
"There was Providence."
I sigh. "Is that where this is coming from? The fight we had?"
"I don’t know where it’s coming from. Hell, I’ve just had my brains scrambled by RVD and his magical spud dropping feet."
"Adam." I take his chin and make him look me in the face. "I have never hated you for anything that’s happened. I’ll admit I’ve had some reservations in the past about us, but I've never regretted what we’ve had and what we still have. Don’t doubt that I love you and don’t think I hate you. I could’ve walked away from you and all we had when we escaped the attic, but I didn’t because I loved you so much and yes, I mean as more than just your younger brother. As a lover and a husband." I kissed him. There was still a little bit of blood on his lips and the tang of it made my head swim. I pulled away, not because he repulsed me, but because I was afraid I’d try and take him now and didn’t want anyone to walk in on us. "I love you and only you. Don’t ever forget it."
"I won’t," he whispered. "Count on it."
"Listen, I’m going to get dressed and then I’m going to bring your clothes in here so you can get dressed. I booked a room with a bath so you can soak for a while. Okay?"
He nods silently, his breath warm on my face.
I kiss him again, advising him to lay down on the table before I leave the room and head for our dressing room, accepting congratulations for my match, an apology from Kanyon and some questions about Adam to which I reassure everyone that he’s fine, just resting. Entering the room, I toss the melted ice bag into the garbage and walk to my bag where I see a white envelope on top of it with "Matthew" written on it.
I sigh thinking it’s from Shane, but when I open it, I don’t recognize the handwriting but the message startles me all the same:
We have much to discuss. My driver will pick you up at your hotel. Don’t disappoint me more than you already have, Matthew. Grandfather.
I’m not aware the paper has slipped from my hand or that I feel as though I’m going to faint. The only thing I’m aware of is this is my chance to ask the questions that have bothered me for years.
Thing is, would I be ready for the answers?
13
The four of us returned to the hotel. This time, Mick drove us from the arena as we were still feeling the pain from both our matches. As Adam checked at the desk to see if there were any messages, I look around the lobby for anyone who even closely resembled a chauffer of any sort, but all I saw were assorted wrestlers signing autographs and trying to fend off what Adam called the "lobby lizards" which were about the same as a ‘mat rat’ as far as he was concerned. What amazed me about the "lizards" is they came in both genders, as Adam will tell you along with some of the more interesting run-ins we’d had with them.
Relieved there was no driver waiting in the lobby, I followed Adam, Mick and Collette to the elevators. On the ride up, I tuned out the conversation the three of them were having, trying to come up with an excuse for heading out again at this time of night that would sound plausible to Adam.
God I hate lying to him, but if he knew what was going on, then there would be a total replay of Providence and I feel guilty enough about that as it is. Wishing Mick and Collette good night, Adam and I headed to our room where we both flopped down on one of the double beds.
"I am so glad to know the next bed I’m going to be sleeping in will be ours," Adam says, looking at me.
"A bed I know for a fact you won’t change the sheets of." I try to joke but my mind is elsewhere.
He takes my hand in his and I get a chill through me as I enjoy how soft it is despite the years we’ve spent in the ring. "I promise, this time I’ll not only change the sheets on the bed, but I’ll even do the laundry, if you promise to make that five cheese lasagna I love so much."
"If you promise to make that desert I love so much."
"One tiramisu coming up." He pulls my hand to his lips and kisses it. "I know I should take a bath but I really don’t feel like moving right now."
"Why do I get this familiar feeling..?"
"Would you babe?"
"Run your own bath. You’re grown."
"I know but you always seem to get the temperature right. Every time I do, I either get it too hot or too cold."
I chuckle. "Remember that time you ran that bath for Christian in the attic?"
"Oh man, I don’t think he ever gave me such a dirty look in his life."
" ‘What do I look like?’ " I mimic his serious tone. " ‘A potato?’ "
"And then Jeff turned around and said, "Well I always knew you were nothing but a spud head anyways." "
We laughed, but as always it was tinged with sadness.
"I wonder what they’d think if they saw us now." Adam said softly.
"Probably that Adam is still too lazy."
"And that Matt is still such a housewife." He looks at me with that disarming smile of his. "Well?"
"Hey I took a shower at the arena. You fix your own bath."
He sighed as though I was making him complete the seven deeds of Hercules. "Well if I must." He says getting up slowly, mindful of his injuries.
I watch him make his way to the bathroom, making sure he didn’t have a dizzy spell. Normally I wouldn’t have minded running his bath, especially after the match he’d had tonight, but the note, tucked away in the journal in my bag, kept going through my mind and I couldn’t take any chances of Adam either answering the door or the phone if grandfather’s driver had arrived. It was bad enough the argument we had about my going to the house had triggered off another night terror, God only knows what might happen if I told Adam about confronting our tormentor.
Thinking of my journal, I wonder if I have enough time to write something in it when I hear the phone ring. I stare at it as though it were a poisonous snake expecting to hear our grandfather’s voice on the other end spewing venom at me.
"Matt?" Adam says from the bathroom. "Honey get the phone."
I sit up and take it on the sixth ring. "Hello?"
"Mr. Hardy?" I recognize the voice as being one of the desk clerks downstairs.
"Yes."
"There’s a gentleman down here saying he was ordered to pick you up."
Here it was. "Okay. Ask him to give me a few minutes and I’ll be right down."
I hang up and stand to go to the bathroom where Adam is removing his clothes. I see where the bruises are going to be spotting his body in the morning and knew that while those bruises will heal I worry about the ones I’m about to leave on his heart, especially when he finds out I’ve been lying to him.
"Who’s that babe?"
"It was . . . one of the guys, they want me to join them for a drink downstairs."
"It’s not Shane is it?"
"No. Perry and Dean. I shouldn’t be gone for long."
"Why don’t you wait and I’ll go with you?"
"No, you just get into the tub and soak yourself. I’ll let Mick and Collette know you’re alone." I walk to him and hold him in my arms gingerly, careful of the bruises. "I love you."
"I love you too." He says in a way that sounds concerned.
A quick kiss of strength before I leave him and grab my coat on the way out. I’m slipping it on in the hallway when I see Mick coming out of his and Collette’s room. "Hey Matthew."
"Hi. Listen Mick, could you do me a favor and keep an ear out for Adam. He’s in the tub and after the match he had with Rob tonight I don’t want him to slip and fall."
"Sure no problem, but why aren’t you resting as well?"
"Perry and Dean invited me down for a couple of drinks."
"Think that’s a good idea with all the painkillers you’ve got in you?"
"Mick, I only took a Naproxin."
"Which can be quite nasty when you mix it with alcohol."
"I promise no alcohol." I turn to leave when I hear him call my name again. "What?" I try not to be too testy but I wanted to get going.
"Collette told me about your wanting to go to the house today."
"Well I didn’t."
"Matthew, do you think that in the ten years she and I have raised you boys, you don’t think I can tell when you’re lying."
"Mick, I didn’t go to the house today."
"Then why did Jericho mention your being there today?"
Damn. "What did he say?"
"That you were there and that both you and Shane had disappeared for a while before Stephanie found you two in the attic."
I look at the door, praying Adam didn’t come out right there. "Okay I was there. I . . . I had to go back and see what it looked like."
He sighed. "Matt, you should’ve gotten Collette to go with you."
"I got through it."
"What did Adam say when you told him?"
I shifted from one foot to another. "I haven’t told him yet. He doesn’t know I went."
He looked at me in surprise. "You didn’t tell him? Why not?"
"You know what happened in Providence when he thought I was going to go. Listen, he’s been under a lot of stress since finding out that we were coming here. You saw him at the arena, how terrified he was to be in the same room with our father and grandfather. If he knew I went to the house it would kill him, he’d think I betrayed him and I can’t have him think that of me."
"From what I can see he’s not the only one who’s been stressed out about coming here."
"I’m fine Mick."
"Are you? Look at you, you’re wound so tight you’re about to snap if anyone touches you."
"I’m fine," I repeat, snapping it out. "I’m sorry. I’m sorry."
"Where are you really going Matt?"
"I told you, downstairs to have a drink with Dean and Perry-"
"Who I know for a fact are on their way to the airport to head for the house show in Syracuse." A pause. "Listen, if you don’t want Adam to know fine, but it would put my mind at ease to know where you’ll be. So let’s try this again, where are you going?"
I sighed, knowing there was no way I can lie to Mick now. "I got a note in my bag tonight from our grandfather. He says he wants to talk to me."
"I’ll get Collette and-"
"Alone Mick." I say. "He wants to see me alone. In fact right now his driver’s downstairs waiting for me."
"Oh Matt," he shakes his head. "To say that’s not a good idea is an understatement."
"Please Mick, I’m begging you. Please don’t tell Adam or Collette I’m doing this."
"But why are you doing it?"
"To tell you the truth, I don’t know. I’ve been like Adam, not wanting to ever see the place again, but . . ." I pause. "I just need some answers and it’s either now or never. I need to know why he hated us. I need to know where Christian’s body is. I just need answers."
"Are you sure you’re ready for them?"
"Well if I’m not now then when will I be? After he’s dead? When it’s too late?" I shake my head. "I’m sorry Mick, I know you don’t condone what I’m doing and if Adam knew he’d hate me, but I have to know."
I see the indecision on his face. "Fine, but if you’re gone any longer than two hours, I’m telling Collette."
"Just don’t tell Adam."
"We won’t, but you’re going to have to Matt. If you really care about him, you have to be honest with him after all that’s what marriage is about."
I damn near pass out when he said that. "How-?"
"What? You don’t think I know? Hell Matt, a wrestling organization is like a traveling small town. Eventually everyone knows everyone’s business."
"But-?"
"I heard it from Terri Runnels. She told me how sorry Collette and I couldn’t make it to your anniversary dinner."
"Oh God, and you’re still talking to us?"
"Matt, you two are going to have to do something worse than marriage to get me and Collette to hate the two of you. I’ll admit I was pretty shocked myself when I heard, but given how you’ve only had the two of you to watch out for each other and Jeff, I guess it’s no surprise. Though we are a little ticked you didn’t invite us to the ceremony. Listen, go on and keep your appointment. We’ll discuss you and Adam another time."
I give him a hug. "Thanks Mick."
"Don’t think anything about it." He claps my back with his hand. "But like I said, any longer than two hours, and Collette finds out."
"I promise." I feel like one weight has been lifted and another one dropped in its place as head down the hallway to the elevator.
My head was reeling from my conversation from Mick that I barely remembered meeting with the driver, getting into the limousine, and the drive to the house. For a second I thought I’d simply blinked and there I was getting out of the car in front of the house. I worried for a minute that I might run into Dad and Stephanie, but remembering that everyone except me and Adam were on their way to the house show in Syracuse, I relax a little as I follow the butler up the stairs leading to our grandfather’s room. Almost on impulse I almost made a left turn when I saw the butler look at me funny in an ‘and where are you going?’ sort of way. I follow him down the hall I stared down that afternoon, almost expecting to see him sitting in the hallway waiting for me like an apparition from a Stephen King novella.
Ever since I walked back into the house, the feelings I had when I went to the attic has returned but you can add dry mouth to the list which includes dizziness, sweaty palms and the pounding of my heart in my ears.
We pause in front of the door leading to our grandfather’s room. I see the door is close and hopes this gives me a break. "Is he asleep?"
"Oh, no Mr. Hardy. He’s been expecting you. In fact when the driver called to say you were coming, well let’s say it’s the liveliest I’ve seen Mr. Helmsley."
I know I say this enough that it should be my catch phrase, but I just bet he is. Lively that is. Probably as lively as a shark waiting for his prey.
I take a deep breath and steel myself as the butler opens the door to our grandfather’s room.
He lies there like the king he believed he is watching me as I walk in and take a look around. The bedroom is just like him; dark with cherry wood wainscoting and dark green paint. The furniture was pretty much the same wood as the wainscoting and looked as hard and uncomfortable as this moment was becoming.
"That’ll be all Robert," he says to the butler, who closes the door behind me. I feel him watching me as though wondering if I was going to start having a panic attack and start falling to pieces.
Like I’d give the bastard the pleasure.
"You wanted to see me Mr. Helmsley?" I ask, tucking my hands into my coat pockets and looking at him almost defiantly.
He lets out a laugh that resembles a bark more than anything. "Cut the pretenses boy. You know who I am and I know who you are." He points to a chair near his bed. "Take a chair."
I don’t sit where I’m told. Instead I see a cushioned chair close by that looks onto the bed and sit in that, staring him down as much as he is doing me, as I cross my left leg over my right.
He looks at me with a cross between anger and admiration. "Defiant to the end right Matthew?"
"What do you want?"
"That’s what I asked myself when I heard Stephanie and Paul had invited you and your ‘lover’," he said this with the most venom, "to the house for the picnic. How was your little trip to the attic this afternoon, or should I say yesterday since it is past midnight?"
"I figured you’d pull something like that. You’ve kept that area locked up all those years and to just have it opened like that –"
"You have to blame your stepmother for that. She demanded we open that wing up. I told her of course as long as she kept the attic closed. I had a feeling one of you might show up one day, and I should’ve known it’d be you Matthew. So was everything up to your expectations?" His lips twisted themselves into a semblance of a smile that was more of a grimace.
I say nothing, knowing damn sight well he was trying to bait me.
"Awful quiet tonight boy. Sure my son didn’t create two retards?"
"Remember grandfather, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning if Christian and I are retards, than there’s a crooked branch on your tree."
"The only crooked branches of the tree are the ones of you and Adam. I knew you two were disgusting but when you waved that band in front of my face, flaunting your ‘marriage’, you sunk to new lows."
"And if anyone knew about sinking to new lows, it would be you."
"Oh." He says, seeming amused. "And what would those be?"
"Hope you’ve got all night."
"I do."
"Let’s start with the whole sick idea of locking us away to begin with."
"It had to be done. There was no way I was going to jeopardize my wife’s health by subjecting her to my son’s mistakes."
"What about singling me out for most of your attacks."
Again that crooked smile. "Do you even have to ask? You’re just like your mother. A cheap incestuous whore, but at least she married outside her family, though having met them once, I doubted it for a long time. Even now I look at you and I see her and how she corrupted my son with her wiles."
"Wiles?" I almost laugh. "A bit nineteen fifties eh grandfather? Showing your age?"
"My son could’ve been a great wrestler without your mother’s help. He would’ve gotten to the top a lot quicker if it hadn’t been for her and the four of you holding him back." He settled back against the pillow. "Your father was never ‘daddy’ material. Never was, never would be. You should’ve seen how happy and relaxed he was whenever he didn’t have to deal with any of you. Why locking the four of you away did my son a world of wonders."
Stay calm, I tell myself, stay calm.
"Do you know how many times he would secretly call me and complain about you children, you especially Matthew? God the litany he’d give me about you alone I could recite line chapter and verse. ‘Matthew’s too much like his mother’, ‘Matthew’s always complaining about something’, ‘Sometimes I wonder if he’s mine after all’. Even here your father would say what a little pain in the ass you were, how every time he visited you how you were always whining about getting out. Oh he could understand that coming from Jeffery, seeing how he was the baby of the bunch, or even Christian, whenever the little retard felt like talking, but for God’s sake Matthew, couldn’t you behave yourself? It got to the point where your father would only visit you because he had to, to keep your mouth shut. How does it feel Matthew, knowing you’re the main reason your siblings never got to see their father much?"
"And how does it feel murdering your own grandchild?"
"Oh yes Christian." He shrugs. "Not my fault he was such a weakling. Shallow gene pool on your mother’s side obviously."
"With no help from the arsenic right?"
"You have no proof."
"I will when I find out where he’s buried."
"Hard to bury someone when they’ve been cremated."
What the –?
"That’s right Matthew." He must’ve seen the shocked look on my face. "I had Christian cremated. Less chance of an autopsy, especially when one is friends with the person who runs the crematorium. Oh, your father wanted to bury him with his mother, but why should I have paid to do that?"
I clenched my fists wanting so badly to smash them into his face.
"I know what you’re thinking. Go ahead Matthew, I know you want to kill me, but there’s one small problem with that. See if you do, you’ll never know why Adam is so terrified of your father. I’m the only one who knows and frankly if you thought I was a sick heartless bastard, I pale in comparison to my son. Like you said earlier Matthew. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree."
"What did he do?"
"Think I’m going to tell you now?"
"What did he do to Adam?"
"I heard you tell Shane McMahon that you would do anything to protect Adam. I in turn will do anything to protect my son, whether he deserves it or not. If you want to know what your father did, why not just ask Adam?"
"You know what would happen if I did."
"Oh yes, his little night terrors. Don’t sit there looking at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. What? You didn’t think I kept tabs on you after you left? You think I didn’t know about the Foleys getting guardianship of the three of you, though how they put up with you I’ll never know. You think that if you changed your names and your appearances, I wouldn’t know who you were? You didn’t think I still had my connections in the wrestling world to keep me abreast of what the three of you were up to? Then boy, you’re dumber than Christian could ever be."
That did it.
I wasn’t aware how I’d gotten there so fast, but I flew across the room and began choking the life out of the old bastard. Notice I said ‘began’ because Robert or whatever the hell his name was, pulled me off him and pushed me back into the chair.
And if you can believe it, which I didn’t, the old bastard was laughing. "I wondered how long it was going to be until you tried something. You lasted longer than my own son. He tried to kill me after that little melee the first day you were here. Of course the promise of all his mother’s money cooled his fire soon enough. But that was all that mattered to him wasn’t it? The money. All he had to do was marry Stephanie and it was all his. Of course my wife did lay out that sweet little codicil. I’ll give it to the old broad. She had the money, never let me forget it, especially when Paul was born, she made sure I would never touch any of it, that it would all go to him or it would’ve if he hadn’t married that whore mother of yours. When she heard he was coming back home, she was a happy old thing but she was going to make sure he was going to work for that money."
"Codicil?"
"Oh you didn’t know about that? Well let’s just say if people knew about his little family, he wouldn’t get a dime. In other words, if it ever came out about the four of you being his children - poof! - the money would be gone. Even when she died, she made sure the will would be enforced. That, my dear Matthew, was why your father really denied Jeff’s existence. He knew if it got out he had children from the marriage to your mother, he’d lose it all."
"Whom would it go to if he did?"
"Not to any of you that’s for damned sure. I don’t know where or to who it would go."
"You mean your own wife cut you out?" I had to admit, that did amuse me a little.
"I’m not without means."
"But not enough to live the way you’re accustomed to."
He narrowed his eyes at me. "I’ve never needed it. I’m a simple man of simple tastes. I leave the extravagance to my son and his wife."
"I always thought you hated him."
"I did. Until he came around to my way of thinking and realized what a liability the four of you were. Though, it was a shame that it had to be simple-minded Christian who died and not you. I think I might’ve allowed him to let the others live. Who knows how your brothers might’ve turned out if you had died? They might’ve amounted to something, even Christian."
My blood was boiling and if Robert wasn’t in the room I might’ve made another go of killing him.
"Let me see, what were your talents while you were here?" A pause. "Well I do know Jeffery liked to write and draw, so he might’ve been a writer or artist, made a name for himself, with the right connections. Christian? Probably could’ve sent him to a special school to find out what was wrong with him and who knows what he might have become."
"There was never anything wrong with him." I said, my voice strained. "He would’ve grown out of it if you and our father let him."
"And then there’s your beloved Adam." He continued, obviously not hearing me or outright ignoring me. "If he was as good with numbers as your father claimed he was, he might’ve been an asset to your grandmother’s company, though I’m sure your father would’ve groomed him to be a main eventer like himself. I imagine he might be married as well, but not to you or any man, but a girl from the right family, like your stepmother." He finally looked at me. "Tell me Matthew, how does it feel knowing you’re the reason things happened the way they have? How by your living all your siblings have suffered?"
"That was your doing. Yours and our father’s."
"If you feel the need to blame anyone, blame yourself."
"I wasn’t the one feeding four children arsenic. I wasn’t the one who beat and tortured them. I wasn’t the one who sent his henchman to try and rape a twelve-year old boy -"
"Oh that. That wasn’t me. Gerald wanted Jeff all on his own."
"You made it possible."
He said nothing, just arching his eyebrow in ‘so what’ sort of way.
"And the way you terrorized all of us -"
"Was your fault."
"Like hell it was."
"You were and still are a constant reminder of your mother. It’s because of her I punished your father and it’s because of you I punished your brothers. Now if you’ll excuse me, it is getting late and I do need my rest. Robert will show you out and Daniel will drive you back to your hotel."
"Not until you tell me what our father did to Adam."
"Goodnight Matthew."
I felt a tug on my arm and saw it was Robert dragging me out of the chair. "I hope you burn in hell you son of a bitch."
He looked at me. "I’ll save a spot for you."
There was no way he was getting the last word but unfortunately, Robert made sure he did as he forced me out of the room shutting the door behind us.
Not waiting for the driver, I jumped out of the limo and bolted toward the hotel lobby, which was thankfully empty this time of night, or at least I thought it was until I saw Shane walk out of the hotel bar with Booker T. I tried to get past without him seeing me.
"Hey Matt."
No luck. I kept going till I got to the elevator and pushed the button, wishing this damned thing went faster. I heard Shane say something to Booker before I saw him in the reflection in the glass walking toward me. "C’mon, c’mon," I whisper, not in the mood to deal with him right now, wanting nothing more than to head upstairs to Adam, who was probably worried about me by now.
"Matt?"
I barely hear him, my ears buzzing and the venomous words grandfather spew at me still ringing in my ears.
"Matt? What is it? What’s wrong?"
"Just leave me the fuck alone!" I explode, finally reaching my breaking point just as the elevator doors open. I stalk in and press close door before hitting the floor number. As the elevator inched its way up floor by floor, I took deep breaths so that Adam wouldn’t see the state I was in. God knows I don’t need to upset him any more than I already have and at this stage, I was certain if he’d asked what was wrong, I’d crack and tell him everything.
Looking in the elevator mirror, I wipe my eyes, but the words won’t leave me alone . . .
" . . .how does it feel knowing you’re the reason your brothers suffered. . ?" I could hear him asking as though he were in the elevator car with me. " . . . it’s because of you I punished your brothers . . ."
"Just forget him." I whisper. "You never have to see him again. Just think of Adam. You have to be strong for him."
Finally reaching my floor, I start to step out and once again run into the "Boy Wonder".
"What the hell do you want?" I am literally shaking at this point.
"What’s the matter?" he says between breaths. "You come in looking like you’ve seen a ghost and look at you, you’re shaking like hell."
"Didn’t I just leave you in the lobby?" I ask, cringing at the stupidity of my question but not really caring.
"I just ran up ten flights of steps so I could catch you."
"Wow. Pretty impressive for a guy who’s sole form of exercise is chasing after the donut tray."
"Come with me." He takes my arm, which I shake free. "Dammit Matt, have you seen yourself yet? Do you want Adam to see you like this?"
"Like what?"
"Pale as a ghost and shaking."
"I’m fine."
"Are you?"
He turns me around to look at my reflection in the elevator door and I see what he means; my skin is damn near translucent and I’m shaking like I’m freezing though it was only forty-three outside. Now add the fact that I feel like I’m about to pass out and throw up at the same time and you got yourself a nervous wreck.
"C’mon." he presses the elevator button. "Let’s get you calmed down before you go to Adam like that. He sees you now, you’ll scare the hell out of him."
When the door opens he nudges me in and presses the button for his floor, which, wouldn’t you know, is the luxury suite. We enter and the first thing I do is head for the bathroom to throw up everything I’ve eaten for the past week. That’s how wound up grandfather has made me and no doubt would be proud of his handiwork.
After twenty minutes, I splash water on my face and rinse my mouth out. I look in the mirror and see I’ve must’ve aged ten years in the span of . . . how long have I been gone?
I look at my watch. I left here at twelve-thirty. It’s now quarter to three.
"Oh Christ." Adam must be pushing the panic button by now, let alone Mick and Collette.
I step out of the bathroom and walk to the living room where Shane’s sitting watching some infomercial. "I need to use your phone."
He points to the table where it sits. I dial Mick and Collette’s room number first. It’s picked up on the third ring. "Hello?" Collette answers, sounding every bit the worried mother.
"Collette it’s me."
She lets out a loud sigh. "Dammit Matthew where the hell are you?"
"I’m up at Shane’s suite. I had a little too much to drink and he carried me up here."
"Save that story for Adam honey. Mick told me where you went."
I close my eyes, knowing I was in for it now.
"I should rip you a new one right now, but Adam’s here worried to death about you and if he knew you went to see your grandfather, it would kill him."
"I’m sorry."
"For God’s sake Matt what were you thinking?"
"I wasn’t. Listen, could I talk to Adam and then you can rip into me?"
"Oh I plan to, but not until later." I could hear her call for Adam and I tried to keep my composure. I looked over at Shane and if he wasn’t eavesdropping, then he must really want to know how to make a mint on buying property as if buying two wrestling organizations weren’t enough.
"Where the fucking hell have you been?"
"Hi babe."
"Don’t ‘hi babe’ me. I thought you were going out for drinks with Dean and Perry."
"I did."
"Bullshit. Everyone other than you, me and a few of the WCW guys are on their way to Syracuse for the house show. So where were you?"
"I went out for a walk."
"For three hours? You weren’t gone that long when we were in Providence."
"I know."
"Then where were you?"
"I went to one of the local bars and wound up playing some pool and lost track of time."
"Where are you now?"
Again I look at Shane, still watching the real estate infomercial. "I got a little shitfaced and ran into Shane on the way up. I had to get to a toilet so he let me use his."
"So you’re with Shane?" A question, not an accusation.
"Not for much longer honey. I’m just waiting for my stomach to settle before I come down."
"Don’t wait too long. I don’t like you being around him."
"I know but if it’s any consolation, Booker’s up here with him so I don’t think he’ll try anything."
That got a response from Shane, who looked at me with an amused look on his face.
"Well if you’re not in our room in an hour, I’m coming up there."
"I promise honey. I won’t be long. I love you."
"I love you too." He replies before we hang up.
I sigh resting my head on my arm on the table. God I wish I could tell him what I’d done and what grandfather had said, but I couldn’t. Not on top of everything else Adam has to deal with.
"Here. This’ll put some color in your cheeks and make your story a bit more believable."
I look up to see Shane sit next to me and pass me a drink.
"It’s strong." He warns me as he sips on his.
I take a drink of what I now remember is brandy, coughing a bit as it burns the back of my throat. "Thanks."
"I’m sure you’ve heard this question a thousand times tonight, but where were you tonight?"
"It’s a long story."
"Why not just give me the Cliff’s Notes version?"
"I can’t."
"Matt, I meant what I said this afternoon. If you want to talk to someone, I’m here."
"I don’t want to talk about it."
"You mean you don’t want to talk about it with me?"
"I mean I don’t want to talk about it with anyone." Another sip.
"Did someone try and do something to you tonight."
Yeah, I think. Someone tried to blame me for the hell my brothers and I have been subjected to, but I can’t be the reason. Can I?
"No. Not the way you think."
"Then what happened?"
"Shane please," my voice cracks. "I don’t want to talk about it." A deep breath or two later, I compose myself. "I better go. Just because I’m having a breakdown doesn’t mean I have to bring you with me. Besides, Adam threatened to come up if I wasn’t back in a few minutes." I stood up as did Shane, but before I could make a move, I felt Shane’s lips on mine again and I don’t know if it was the brandy or what, but I didn’t push him away.
His arms are around me and I let him hold me as I feel his tongue asking permission to enter my mouth, which I give sliding my own in as well. I wrap my own arms around him, my left hand pressing his head to mine, our tongues dancing in the way tongues do when they come together. I feel his hands slide down my back and cup my ass pressing our growing erections together. Our lips part and we look at each other. I don’t know what my face is showing but his is just outright lust. "God I want you," he whispers, licking his lips. He comes to kiss me again but I pull away.
"I have to go." I whisper. "Thanks for the drink and your bathroom."
He smiles understandingly. "Sure you can make it to your room all right?"
I nod and leave but not before pausing at the door and looking at him. He looks at me as though he hopes I’ve changed my mind, but that hope is dashed as I leave closing that door behind me to head back to the man I love.
The man I came thisclose to cheating on tonight.
14
"Home at last, home at last, good God almighty we are home at last!"
I smile at Adam’s declaration as we enter our home and set my bags down in the foyer and am grateful for Adam’s relaxed demeanor, a result of both getting out of Greenwich and the talk we had with Mick and Collette about our being married. At first he was a little panicked when I told him they knew, but when we all sat down and talked about it and was reassured by the both of them that they still loved us no matter what, though they did voice their concerns over what might happen if the truth ever got out about Adam and I being brothers. I could see a change in Adam as he looked as though a two ton weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
I on the other hand had my own weights to bear.
I ran into Shane while we were checking out of the hotel this morning and prayed he didn’t say anything about last night. He didn’t. Instead he said he’d be faxing us our travel schedule in a couple of days and to have a nice rest. As he was leaving though, I saw him look at me with a bit of concern and regret.
But right now, Shane McMahon was the last thing on my mind as I could still hear our grandfather’s voice in my head despite every effort I made to force the comments from my mind.
"Matt?"
I look and see Adam looking at me. "What?"
"You know you live here too, you don’t have to hide in the foyer."
I blinked before realizing I hadn’t moved an inch since I came in and I haven’t took my coat off yet. I let out a chuckle as I remove my coat and grab my bags. "I’ll be down in a couple of minutes," I say.
Adam took my arm. "Why don’t you go lie down? You’ve looked like hell since we left Greenwich."
"Such a sweet talker. But I’ve got dinner to make and-"
"Don’t worry about dinner. I’ll make it tonight." He kissed me. "Go lie down and that’s an order."
I only nod before heading upstairs to what used to be our parents’ room.
That’s right, the house Adam and I share is the same one we grew up in until we went to Greenwich. We bought it six years ago after finding it on the market while we were in town for an indie card. Adam was twenty-one and I was nineteen and we both decided we needed a place of our own, especially one where we could be alone like a normal couple. Because Jeff was still a minor, he lived with Mick and Collette but every weekend and school vacation, he would come up to the house with us and for a few days it would be like old times, especially when Adam and I had put in the trampoline we’d bought for his birthday in the backyard. The only thing that would’ve made things perfect was if Christian were here as well, jumping around with his twin.
Reaching the room, I flung my bag on the bed and laid out, not really feeling tired. Instead, I just stared at the ceiling and thought about things both good and bad.
We totally renovated the place on our own with some help from Mick and Jeff. Throughout the house there were photos of everyone we’d known, loved and lost; Mom, Christian, Jeff –some photos of him with us, some alone, some with Raven – Mick and Collette. The only photos that were forbidden were those with Dad in them, although sometimes I did get the impulse to put at least one of our family portraits up, especially the one taken after the twins were born; our parents each held a twin, Dad held Jeff and Mom held Christian while Adam and I sat by them, but they still sat in the hallway closet.
As I said, Adam and I had the bedroom our parents shared, Jeff had the room he and Christian had shared and the one Adam and I had shared growing up was now mine and Adam’s office. There was a bed in there but we never used it as a guest room per se and the only time Jeff’s room was only used when Mick and Collette would visit. Up until last night, when they came to visit Adam would use Jeff’s room and I would move down to the office to keep up the pretense that we were strictly brothers.
I’m glad that pretense is over with.
But enough about the house for now.
I check my watch and see there’s about four hours before dinner. To this day, the eating schedule was the same as when it had been in the attic; seven for breakfast, noon for lunch and five for dinner. Though now it didn’t matter if we were ready on time or if we were present and accounted for.
Knowing Adam would think I was asleep, I straighten around and lean back against the headboard. Clicking on the nightstand light since it was so gloomy out, I take out my journal, and a fresh pen, tossing the empty one into the wastebasket nearby. Opening it, the snowflakes I took from the attic as well as the note grandfather wrote slide out. I tear the note into little pieces but I stare at the snowflakes. Sighing I set them on the nightstand and begin writing about that first Christmas in the attic among other things, such as seeing our stepmother for the first time.
"Why can’t we go out and play in the snow?"
We were up in the attic making Christmas decorations out of the construction paper and other things Dad had brought by yesterday. It had been two months since the melee and things had taken a turn for the better more or less. Dad would come to visit everyday, bringing things for Adam, me and the twins to do, and we would manage to avoid the wrath of our grandfather. We even celebrated Adam’s thirteenth birthday without too much trouble, other than the twins and I teasing him about being an ‘old man’. We finally made it to the attic the day after the melee and after much reassuring, Jeff finally felt safe enough to come up with us. At first he wouldn’t go up there at all, even when we all went but once Dad had the swing installed, Jeff began coming up with us if only for the sole reason to swing on his swing. Notice I say ‘his swing’. He didn’t have a problem with his twin, who was helping Adam make the snowflakes I would find, swinging on it when he wasn’t using it, but God have mercy if either Adam and I got anywhere near it.
I look up from the tree I was cutting out to see Jeff staring out the window at the blizzard that was blowing outside. "Because we can’t just yet."
"How long is it going to take for daddy to straighten things out between he and grandmother?" He looked at me.
That was one of many bones of contention between Dad and us these days. He’d come in looking pretty relaxed and whatnot but bring up the subject of grandmother and our getting out of here he would get evasive.
"It won’t be much longer," he’d assure us. "It’s just taking a little longer than I thought it would."
"I don’t know Jeff." I tell him. "If grandmother’s as sick as he says she is then it could take a while."
"I wanna go out and play."
I sigh. As much as I adored Jeff, I never knew how annoying his whining could be until we were forced to stay up here. "We all want to go outside, but we just can’t. Not until Dad works things out with grandmother."
"There’s nothing to do up here."
"Swing on your swing."
"I’ve done that."
"You want to help me make decorations?"
"That’s baby stuff."
"Then what do you want?" I snap, ignoring Adam’s warning glance.
"I want to go outside."
"I told you we can’t."
"When Dad comes I’m gonna make him let us go out."
"Good luck." I say under my breath as I continue cutting the tree out.
"Hey guys!" Our Dad’s voice booms upstairs, showing up before he does.
"Daddy!" Jeff shouts before running to him. He picks Jeff up with little effort. His back has long since cleared up from the whipping our grandfather gave him, not to say there weren’t any scars.
"What’re you all doing?" He walks to where we all are, which is the farthest wall from the door and sit on the floor not far from where I’m sitting.
"Just making some decorations." I say nonchalantly.
"Doing a pretty good job of it I see." He comments. "Your Mom loved doing that stuff."
"Dad?"
"What Jeff?"
"Can we go outside?"
"Now? There’s a blizzard out there. You’ll get lost."
Jeff giggled. "When the blizzard’s over with?"
"We’ll see."
Jeff gives me a ‘told you’ look. I just roll my eyes.
"How’re you guys doing?" he looks at Adam and Christian.
"Fine," was all Adam said. Chris as always, didn’t say anything, only nodded to supplement his brother’s statement. He seemed to have grown quieter since we got here, which I didn’t know if it were something we should’ve worried about at the time or not, seeing how Jeff has become the twins’ spokesperson in a matter of speaking.
"Dad?"
"What Jeff?"
"Is Santa going to know where we are this year?"
"Yes, he will."
"You sure?"
"I’m sure. Listen, Jeff, Christian, I have to talk to your brothers for a second. Why don’t you go downstairs and wait for me okay?"
"Bring us any presents?"
"You won’t know unless you go downstairs. Will you?"
"C’mon Chris," Jeff headed for the stairs, his twin not too far behind.
"Watch the third step!" I holler.
"So what’s up Dad?" Adam sets the snowflakes aside and comes to sit next to me.
"Listen, I know it hasn’t been easy on any of you guys being here."
"That’s an understatement." I say.
"But I’m going to make it up to you tonight."
"Have you worked things out with grandmother?" Adam asks hopefully.
"No, but how would you like to know what she looks like?"
We looked at each other. "Are we getting out of here?" I ask.
"In a matter of speaking. Your grandparents are throwing this big Christmas party for some of the Greenwich big shots as a way of, I don’t know, ‘reacquainting’ me with everyone here. Well anyways, I was thinking as a reward for being so good with the twins, you might like to have a bird’s eye view of the party."
"How?"
"There’s this spot I used to hide in when I was about Jeff’s age. I always wondered what the big fuss was about as far as my parents’ parties went, so my nanny’s daughter and I would hide out there and no one would be the wiser."
"Where is it?"
"Well I’d have to show you where it is, but you can’t let the twins know. I know that sounds unfair and if it were just Christian there wouldn’t be a problem, but you know how excitable Jeff can be."
"Tell us about it."
He smiled. "The party starts about nine, but I’ll come and get you guys about ten, ten-thirty. That way everything’ll be in full swing and the twins’ll be asleep."
"What about grandfather?"
"He won’t have to know unless either of you to do something to catch his attention."
"What about the twins? We can’t leave them alone." Adam asked.
"That’s the important part. You guys can’t be gone any longer than a half hour. If I have to, I’ll give you guys a new watch, but any longer and you run the risk of the twins waking and getting scared and I don’t want to lock the door because you guys have to get back in here. So? How about it?"
Adam and I looked at each other. "Sure." Adam says. "If Matt wants to."
"Matt?" Dad looked at me.
I had my misgivings and this fear that something would go horribly wrong, but I saw the look on Adam’s face and knew he wanted this more than anything and my own curiosity about grandmother grew. "Okay. We can do it."
"Good. I’ll come get you guys about ten or a little after. Just don’t tell the twins okay? I bought them some extra presents for Christmas to make up for it."
"Matt!" I hear Jeff shout as he’s running toward us. "Look what daddy brought us."
I see him with an art kit in one hand and some more construction paper in the other. Chris isn’t far behind but I see he has another Hot Wheels car to add to his collection.
"Listen guys, I have to get going." Dad stands, giving both twins a hug. "You two don’t bother your brothers too much." He then looks at Adam and me. "Your guys’ stuff is downstairs on your beds. See you later."
"Daddy?" Jeff says. "Can’t you stay here and play with us?"
He crouches down by Jeff. "I’d love to honey, but I’ve got some stuff to do for grandmother." Dad kisses him and Chris on their foreheads. "I’ll be by tomorrow and stay longer, I promise."
Jeff only nods before watching Dad walk out of the room with the same rejected look on his face that I would see years later before he committed suicide.
"Hey." I said, maybe a bit too cheerful. "Wanna help me finish these trees? We’re going to need at least three more for Christmas."
Subdued now, Jeff sits by me and, with the snub nosed scissors I hand him, he helps cut out the trees that I copied out of a book. I look over at Adam, who gives me the same hurt expression before focusing his attention back to Christian. We both knew how much Jeff loved Dad, problem was we didn’t know until years later how Dad used that love against him.
True to his word, Dad made his appearance at ten o’clock on the dot. He wore a tuxedo and had his hair down, which was something unusual for him, only wearing it down when he had photo sessions for the magazines.
Adam and I got out of our beds as carefully as we could as to not wake the twins and slipped our robes and slippers on.
"Put the twins in the same bed." Dad said.
"We can’t. If grandfather knew-"
"He won’t. You’ll all be up and dressed before he even comes here tomorrow and I don’t want to take the chance of either of them getting scared if they wake up."
We decided to put Christian, who’s a deep sleeper, in mine and Jeff’s bed. At that second I realize it’s the first time the two of them have shared a bed since they were toddlers. They look so content, I hope they stay that way until we get back and say a prayer that grandfather doesn’t send anyone around to check on us.
"Matthew, come on."
I hurry to catch up with Dad and Adam. We make our way down the hall of the closed off wing where, using a key on the key chain he has, he unlocks one of the rooms and ushers us in. We wait as he opens an armoire and moves a couple of boxes out of the way to reveal a screen.
"Now," he says kneeling own a bit to look at us. "The view from here isn’t the greatest, but it’s enough for you to see what’s going on, and here," he hands Adam a watch from his pocket. "Pay close attention to the time. As I said, no longer than a half hour."
We get in and he closes the doors behind us. Through the keyhole we watch him leave the room, closing the door behind him. We now turn our attention to what was going on below.
From where we sat we could see where the people were coming in the door and a good portion of the living room where it looked like the party was being held. We watched as Dad walked into the living room and say something to grandfather, who only nodded grimly.
We didn’t say much to each other while we were in there, just made passing comments about each person who walked in, from wondering who they were to who their plastic surgeons were. All in all it was a pretty impressive spectacle with everyone dressed formally, the men in tuxedoes and the women wearing evening gowns and as much jewelry as they could and people running around wearing uniforms serving hors d’ouvres on trays.
"Maybe we should’ve asked Dad if he’d let us have some of those?" I said pointing out one of the trays, not really being able to see what was on it but judging by everyone’s reaction they seemed to like it.
The doorbell rang again and we watched as grandfather opened the door smiling broadly at the family we would later work for, the McMahons, entered the room. It was a surprise for me and Adam to see our grandfather act so jovially toward anyone since he acted so coldly toward us, but not as big a surprise as our father smiling when he saw Stephanie McMahon and kiss her on the lips, like they’d been dating forever.
"What the -?" I looked at Adam and he had the same confusion on his face as Dad wrapped an arm around her and led her into the living room, her parents following closely behind. Since Shane was about the same age as I was, I don’t suppose he was invited since I don’t recall seeing him there.
We kept our eyes on Dad and watched how he would get Stephanie anything she wanted, whether it was an hors d’ouvre, to a glass of punch and saw how they would dance practically cheek to cheek and the way our Dad’s hand never left her back.
"It’s only been a couple of months . . ." I heard Adam whisper.
I tried to watch the other partiers but my eyes would only keep going back to Dad and Stephanie. "It’s probably nothing," I say, knowing how fake my words sound. "He’s probably trying to be polite."
But watching them though, I can honestly say he was being more than just polite. He was being downright romantic with her. More so than I can ever remember him being with Mom.
"Who’s that?"
Adam’s question distracts me from what’s going on with Dad as he points to a woman being brought in via wheelchair. She has red hair and an aristocratic air to her. She’s wearing a red sequined dress and ruby and emerald jewelry. We watch as our father gets up and walks to her, kissing her in greeting. She seems to smile at that, but frowns when our grandfather does the same thing.
"Must be grandmother."
"She looks pretty healthy to me." He points out.
We watch as Dad introduces her to Stephanie. She seems to smile in approval of Stephanie. Remembering what Dad told us about how his family reacted to Mom, watching this stranger get approval from being with our father hurt.
Adam, obviously needing a distraction, checked the watch. "Oh crap."
"What?"
"We gotta go. It’s almost eleven."
As quietly as we can, we get out of the armoire and make our way to our bedroom where, to our surprise and horror, we only find one twin asleep in the bed, Christian.
"Jeff?" I whisper. "Jeff where are you?"
Adam opened the attic door and went inside. "Jeff?" he shouted as quietly as he could.
I walk to the bathroom but there’s no sign of him.
Oh this is not good.
"Any sign of him up there?" I ask Adam when he returns.
"No."
As much as we hate to, Adam wakes Christian to find out where his twin is. It takes a good two minutes for him to wake up enough to answer our question. "Chris where’s Jeff?"
"Jeff?" He says softly.
"That’s right Chris. Where’s Jeff? Did he tell you where he was going?"
He thinks for a second. "He went to look for you guys." His voice is barely a whisper. "He woke up and saw you were gone. He tried the attic but said you weren’t there, so he went out the door." He points toward the door.
Oh damn.
"Okay honey, go back to sleep and stay put." Adam covers Christian back up. "Let’s go."
We leave the room and begin looking in the other rooms in the hall that were unlocked, hoping he might be in one of those. We even go back to the room we were just in, in hopes he might’ve wandered in there, but no luck. Coming out of that room we notice the one of the double doors is open.
"Oh no," Adam whispers.
We walk to the door and after making sure the coast was clear, we walked down the hall leading to the stairwell and freeze when we see Jeff sitting almost in plain sight on top of the steps.
"Jeff," Adam hisses. "Jeff!"
No response, he’s obviously too dazzled by the sights.
"Jeffery!" Adam hisses again. "Jeffery Nero Helmsley!"
That catches his attention. Adam waves him over to where we’re standing but he shakes his head defiantly.
"Jeff, c’mon." I try. "We have to get back to the room."
"Don’t wanna!" He hisses back.
"Jeff, we’re going to get into trouble!"
"Don’t care!"
Adam and I look at each other. "You or me?" He asks.
"He’s my shadow." I say inching my way over to the banister that I see Jeff wrap his arms around. Oh boy. Keeping an eye out for either Dad or grandfather, I make my way to him. "Jeff, we have to go. If grandfather see us, Dad’s going to get into trouble."
"Why is daddy kissing that girl?"
"Well if you come with me, I’ll explain."
"I told you I don’t want to go back there."
"Shhh! Keep your voice down." I caution. "Do you want Dad to get into trouble with grandfather?"
"I don’t wanna go back there. It’s scary."
"Listen, I know you were scared when Adam and I were up in the attic-"
"You weren’t in the attic. I checked."
"We just didn’t hear you. You know how large the attic is."
"I wanna watch the party."
"You can’t."
He says nothing. Just clutches the banister tighter.
I look and see our grandfather talking with Vince and our father wrapped up in Stephanie. Desperate, I grabbed at Jeff’s hands and yanked them off the banister. "No!" he shouted before I clamped my hand over his mouth. Pulling him to me, I look down and see Dad glaring up at me before excusing himself. With a squirming Jeff to carry, I hustle to where Adam is and the three of us make a run for the bedroom.
"What is it?" Adam asked when we get into the room.
"Dad saw us." I ask letting go of Jeff.
"Oh shit." He says.
"I wanna go back out there!" Jeff wails. "I wanna watch the party!"
I almost reply when the door bangs open and shut. I turn around and there’s Dad as pissed as hell.
"What the hell were you doing out there? Do you have any idea what might’ve happened if your grandfather had seen you?" He shouts, waking Christian, who cowers up by the headboard.
"I wanted to watch the party!" Jeff shouts.
"What were you doing out of bed to begin with?"
"I got scared and I didn’t see Matt."
"How long were you two gone?" He glares at Adam and me.
"Not long." I reply
"Not long?" He grabs the watch from my brother’s hand. "It’s almost fucking midnight! How long were you two gone?"
"Eleven." Adam replies.
"I specifically told the two of you no longer than a half hour. Jesus! I knew this was a bad idea, but I thought that the two of you would be responsible enough to follow orders. And you!" He barks at Jeff. "You are to never leave your bed like that again! You know what your grandfather would’ve done if he’d seen you instead of me?"
"But I wanted to see the party!" Jeff sobs. "How come they got to see and not me!"
"Because I thought they were responsible enough, but I guess I was wrong. Now the three of you get into bed. Now!"
We obeyed with Adam getting in with Christian and me and Jeff in our bed.
"We’ll discuss this in the morning." Dad says before turning off the light and locking the door behind him.
Neither of us feels like we can sleep. Adam soothes Christian while I try to calm Jeff down which is no easy feat.
"He hates us." Jeff says brokenly.
"He doesn’t hate us." I try to soothe. "He’s just angry."
"But why was he kissing that girl? Mommy hasn’t been gone for two months."
"I don’t know Jeff." I look at Adam and know that’s an answer we’d like to have as well.
Dad didn’t come to see us for two days after that. In that time, we finished making decorations to put in the bedroom and were working on a paper chain when we heard the lock tumblers click. Not realizing who it was at first we kept busy, thinking it was Gerald coming for the breakfast dishes though it would be another two hours before lunch.
"Hey guys," came a familiar voice. We looked up and saw Dad standing there, nothing in his hands. We look at each other, not sure how to react; Jeff, who normally would barrel into Dad’s arms seemed to ignore his presence as he cut out strips to make links with, Christian looked from me to Adam as if asking permission to say hello to Dad, and Adam focused on the link he was working on. Me, I really didn’t know what to say other than "hi."
I watched Dad sigh before grabbing one of the chairs, turning it so he could straddle it and rested his arms on the back of it. "Listen, I know you guys are pretty pissed off about the other night and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go off on you like that, but you have to understand. I was afraid of what might happen if your grandfather had seen you."
I think at that moment we would’ve preferred dealing with grandfather. At least we knew where we stood with him.
"But I’ll make it up to you. I promise."
Sure. Whatever.
He looks around the room. "You guys’ve done a pretty good job getting this place ready. Anything you guys want?"
Just to get the hell out of here is our unanimous thought but again we say nothing, pretty much giving Dad the cold shoulder.
"Okay then. I’ll leave you guys to your work." He put the chair back and was almost out the door when Adam spoke up. "So who was the girl you were with the other night?"
He paused and turned back to look at us. "Just a friend of the family."
"Seemed like she was more than just a friend."
"Well we’ve know each other since we were kids."
"Don’t you think it’s a little inappropriate to act the way you were when your wife isn’t even dead for two months yet?"
"Who in the hell are you to question me?"
"Seeing how it was your brilliant idea to bring us here and stick us in this godforsaken room while you’re gallivanting around with some other woman, I guess that allows us some form of right to question you."
"First of all. I only brought you here to protect you from your mother’s family. Secondly, I am not ‘gallivanting’ with anyone and even if I were, I sure as hell don’t have to answer to my thirteen year old son."
Adam shook his head and went back to work on the chain, not saying another word.
"So how’s grandmother?" I venture.
"She’s fine. It’s one of her better days."
"She looked pretty good for a woman you claim is on death’s door."
He narrowed his eyes. "First I have to listen to Adam mouth off about a friend of mine and now you? First of all I never said she was on death’s door and secondly – oh the hell with it." He looked at the twins. "Well, what about you two? You got any complaints? Jeffery?"
He said nothing, just kept cutting the strips.
"Christian?"
He just shook his head.
"Fine. I’ll be back when you guys can show me a little goddamned respect." And on that lovely note he left, locking the door behind him.
"He hates us," Jeff says matter of factly before handing Christian and Adam some more strips.
"I thought you were sleeping."
Hearing Adam’s voice, I shut the journal before turning to look at him. "I couldn’t sleep."
"What were you just writing?" He asks as he climbs onto the bed.
"None of your business." I hide it and the snowflakes in my nightstand drawer before lying down so Adam could rest himself on top of me.
"Sure things are okay with you?" He looks at me, his green eyes filled with concern.
"I’m fine." I wonder if they ever have a doll of me if they could program those two words into my sound chip. I play with a strand of his hair. "How’re you?"
"Great, knowing that we don’t have to go back there for another six months." He leans down to kiss me, but for some reason as we kiss, I find my thoughts going back to when Shane kissed me and think for a second it’s him I’m kissing and not Adam, until I open my eyes and see him staring at me.
"You sure you’re not coming down with something." He touches my forehead. "You looked awfully pale when you came back to our room."
"You know I could never really hold my liquor."
"It’d been nicer if you came to our room and not Shane’s."
"I’m sorry, but he was there and I knew I wouldn’t be able to get the card key in before I threw up."
"Next time I’m coming with you regardless. So how does spaghetti sound for dinner?"
"With the garlic breadsticks."
"Of course."
"Sounds good."
"Great. I’ll get it started." He got off the bed. "Try and get a little rest before then. Whatever you were writing can wait."
I smile as he walks out of the room. Sighing, I look up at the ceiling, wondering what the hell I was doing thinking of Shane while kissing Adam. I love Adam damnit. After all we’d been through, why would I throw it away because of one kiss from a snotty, arrogant momma’s boy like Shane? Okay two, but I don’t count the attic. I mean Shane has been hitting on me for years off and on with promises of making me famous if I warmed his sheets. So why can’t I get last night off my mind?
Needing a distraction, I open the nightstand drawer and pick the journal up again, picking up where I left off.
"Think we should wrap something up for grandfather?"
Christian may not have said much, but when he did he knew how to bat one out of the park.
After lunch we were back in the attic, looking around the boxes for stuff to give each other without letting on that that’s what we were doing when Christian asked his question.
Adam and I looked at each other. Why the hell should we give the man who has pretty much either ignored us or insulted us a present?
We then looked at Christian, who was going through a box looking for something we were sure he was plotting to give our grandfather.
"Why?" His twin asked, echoing our sentiments. "He’s been nothing but mean to us."
Christian shrugged before saying, "Maybe if we’re nice to him, he’ll be nice to us."
If he didn’t so sincere, I would’ve broke out laughing. I mean how could Christian think that a present was going to make things right between grandfather and us? The same grandfather who had taken every opportunity to ridicule him and call him names.
"It’d throw the old guy for a loop." Adam says, looking at us.
"He won’t take anything from us." I say.
"Be worth a shot."
"How about this?" Christian asks holding up what looks like a pocket watch.
I pause here as I recall seeing the small pocket watch in grandfather’s room last night over by his bed. Thing was I was so furious at his accusing me of being responsible for what happened to Adam, Christian and Jeff, that I hadn’t paid too much attention to it. Until now.
Shaking my head so as to not recall his hateful words I continue writing.
"Not bad." Adam takes it from him to look it over. "A little cleaning and it might impress the old guy." He gives it back to Chris. "Just don’t use your toothbrushes this time okay?"
I stifle a giggle as I recall when Christian used his and Jeff’s toothbrushes to clean the cross Adam wore around his neck after finding it in one of the trunks. I think it was the only time I’ve ever seen Jeff mad at his twin, who thought they were using mine and Adam’s to clean the cross.
"Are we getting anything for daddy?" Jeff asked.
It’d been a week since he stormed out of here the way he did and despite Jeff’s declarations to the contrary, I could tell he missed him. "If you want to sure," I tell him, before wandering off a bit to check out what else there was laying around. I don’t know how many generations had lived in this house, but if anyone had bothered to take the time to appraise some of the stuff such as Adam’s cross and the watch, I’d bet this family’d be richer than they already were.
Finding a trunk, I jimmied the lock and opened it. After pushing some of the clothes aside, I found an art deco style photo frame. Thinking of the photo we had of Mom downstairs hidden away, I took the picture that was in there out, careful not to tear it, and closed the lid.
"What’s that?" Adam asked.
"I was thinking that we could put the photo of Mom we have in here."
"I don’t know Matt. Grandfather was pretty explicit about-"
"She was our mother, Adam. Just because Dad’s forgotten about her doesn’t mean we should. Besides, we’re not asking him to display it in the grand hall or anything like that. I just want to keep it up here so we can remember what she looked like, especially the twins."
He sighed. "Okay. You’re right. C’mon let’s get this stuff taken care of."
We rounded up the twins and headed downstairs where we had a surprise visitor.
"Daddy!" Once again, Jeff was Dad’s boy.
"Hey guys." He tussled Jeff’s hair before giving Chris a hug. "Got something for you." He pointed to the corner. We looked and saw a small tree about as tall as the twins sitting there waiting to be decorated. While the twins plotted decorating strategy, Dad looked at us. "So what have you guys been up to?"
"Not much." Adam said. "So how’s grandmother?"
"Not too good right now." Dad sits on Adam and Christian’s bed. "She’s had a bit of a relapse, so she’s spending the holidays in bed."
"So what did grandfather say about your bringing this in?"
"Nothing he could say." He looked at me. "What’s that Matthew?"
"A photo frame. I thought I’d put the photo of Mom in here."
A funny look went over Dad’s face. Almost a mixture of fear and resentment. "That’s good." He says his voice a bit funny. "You should be able to keep a picture of your mother out to look at. Listen," his voice lowers to a whisper so the twins don’t hear, "if you hear any noises here tomorrow night, don’t think anything of it. Just make sure the twins don’t wake up. It’s the only way I could get your guys’ presents in here for Christmas."
"Are you coming by?"
"Oh yeah. I think I can squeak out an hour or two."
"An hour or two?" I ask. "Why only that? We always spent Christmas together."
"I know, but your grandmother wants me to spend some time with her and I’ve been invited to the McMahons’ house for dinner-"
"Must be nice to get to come and go when you want."
"Matt," Adam said trying to shush me.
"I’m sorry but it’s true. We’ve been here two months and all we get is a run around from you. Either grandmother isn’t feeling well or you two haven’t worked things out or whatever the excuse du jour is that you can come up with, and in the meantime you’re out running around doing what ever the hell you want, when you want."
"That’s enough Matthew." Dad cautioned.
"I’m just saying to hell with the money. With what you and Mom made surely you can get us somewhere decent and can still work things out with grandmother without us being prisoners."
"Your Mom and I didn’t make that much and what we did make is gone."
"What do you mean gone?" Adam asked, as surprised as I was.
"I mean gone. Mostly because of fighting your Mom’s family to keep custody of the four of you. Lawyers aren’t cheap and with the way things are with your grandparents and me, as well as how they felt about your mother, I couldn’t go to them for the money, so I’ve had to use the money your Mom left you."
"You raided the trust fund?"
"Adam I had to. It was the only way I could get an attorney to keep custody of you guys, but think of it though. I clear things up with your grandmother, and we’ll never have to worry about money again. Just give me some time. Please?"
"Okay." Adam caved.
"Matthew?"
I knew it would do no good to get into this further, not without it getting into a full scale argument with us and the last thing I wanted to do was upset the twins. "Fine," I said.
He sighed in relief. "Great. Let’s get your tree decorated."
The rest of the holidays went by without too much excitement, though there were some nerves when Christian gave grandfather the watch on Christmas Day, when he brought our breakfast in. We thought we’d saw something human in his expression, but he turned and left without saying a word.
Dad did manage to stay longer than the hour he set and we cleaned up pretty good on the gift side, with Jeff getting some more art supplies, Christian a case to carry all the Hot Wheel cars he’d gotten and a little town to play with them on, Adam and I mostly got books and clothes but we didn’t complain.
"Think of it guys," Dad said after we had lunch together. "This time next year, we’ll be downstairs having Christmas lunch together. And we’ll have the biggest tree Greenwich has ever seen."
"And a lot more presents." Jeff said.
"And a lot more presents." Dad echoed.
We honestly believed that to be true.
God what suckers we were.
"Matt?" Adam calls to me from downstairs. "Dinner’s ready."
I look at the clock and almost panic when I see it’s ten after five, my mind still in the attic. The scent of garlic breadsticks bringing me back to where I am, I close the journal and put it back in the nightstand drawer and head downstairs to have dinner with the man I loved.
15
I dream I’m back in the attic.
I’m looking around and find that everyone’s there; Adam as he is now, Jeff as he was when he died, as is Christian, eternally eleven. They seem to be ignoring me for some reason. I take a step and accidentally make one of the floorboards squeak making them look at me. Actually, glare at me would be more appropriate.
"What are you doing here?" Adam asks me, Christian sitting nearby.
"What do you mean?" I ask in a voice that doesn’t sound like mine.
"Haven’t you caused enough problems?" Jeff asks.
"Would someone mind telling me-?"
"It’s your fault." Christian speaks. "It’s your fault we were brought up here."
What the hell?
"He’s right." Jeff replies, standing. At nineteen he was about my height, but instead of the multi-colored hairstyle he was known for, he had his hair the same blonde as Adam and Christian. "Everything that’s happened here and afterwards. It’s all your fault Matt."
"You don’t believe that-"
"We do." Adam stands up and I see he’s wearing his ‘Edge’ gear. "Don’t you get it little brother? Everything we’ve been through; the beatings, the poisonings, Jeff’s suicide, my being a basket case. It’s all your fault. And let’s not forget about poor Chris. He’s dead because of you."
"I wasn’t the one who poisoned him."
"But because of you he was. Because grandfather was trying to kill you, he got Chris. How does it feel Matt?" He asks me practically nose to nose with me. "How does it feel knowing you’re the reason we were locked in this godforsaken room for as long as we were? That Dad never wanted anything to do with us? That Dad denied Jeff’s existence? It wasn’t because of the money Matt, it was because he knew you and Jeff were a package deal and he knew if he admitted to Jeff then he had to admit to you and frankly I don’t blame him for not doing so."
"It wasn’t because of me. It was the money." I reached to grab him but he spun away from me.
"Don’t touch me! God you’re disgusting! Carrying on like some fucking whore. You should’ve stopped me that night Matt, but no, you just sucked me in, kept begging me for more-"
"Just like his mother."
I spun around and saw Dad looking at me with grandfather in the wheelchair by his side. "Your mother was the exact same way." Dad says with a sneer. "Oh you think she was all sugar and spice huh? She was nothing more than a money grubbing whore after two things; my name and my money. Hell the only reason I married her was because she got herself pregnant with Adam. I didn’t want kids, but I thought it would stop after Adam was born. After all, I’d have my heir but no, she wouldn’t stop there. She had to go and have you and the twins. She knew she had me trapped and that I wouldn’t leave her. Who knows, maybe if it were just Adam and the twins, my parents and I would’ve reconciled a long time ago, but no, there you are, a living reminder of her. You bitch and whine about my father treated all of you but really Matt, you drove him to do it. You look like her, and you act like her."
Grandfather then got his two cents in. "It’s a real shame though. Think of the life they could’ve had if you had just died. At least Christian would’ve had a life."
"You fucking psychopath." I tried to retain my composure.
"I may be psychotic, but at least I don’t lay down and let my brother do God knows what to me the way you did. Why do you think he behaves the way he does? Guilt Matthew, plain and simple. He’s feels guilty over what you led him to do and he feels guilty if he doesn’t give you want you want because he feels he owes you for the times you ‘helped’ him."
"Answer this Matt," Jeff chimed in. "Do you feel any guilt at all over what you’ve done to me? I saw you and Adam that night. I watched you seduce him and you had me think it was normal. Every time I came to visit you thought I didn’t know about you guys but I knew. And then after you warped me beyond all help, then what about you trying to break me and Raven up, saying how wrong he was for me, how he was going to ruin me. Tell me Matt, was it really brotherly concern you had for me? Or were you going to come after me next after you drove poor Adam to the brink?"
I couldn’t speak or breathe at this point.
"And what about me Matt?" Christian spoke. "I could’ve been a good wrestler just like you guys. I could’ve outgrown my shyness, maybe even tagged with Jeff, but I guess we’ll never know will we because you were too selfish to give me the chance. All you had to do was die and we could’ve all been spared."
"It’s true," grandfather spewed. "I would’ve let them out if it weren’t for you. I would’ve left this house to your father and your brothers if only you had just died."
"It’s easy Matt." Jeff said. "All you have to do is take the same way out I did." He stands beside me his hand in a fist, which he opens to reveal a handful of the sleeping pills Adam used to take. "A few of these and some Jack Daniel’s and you won’t be feeling any pain cause God knows you won’t be causing any more."
"Go ahead Matt." Dad said. "Just go ahead and die. Make everyone’s life easier. That way we don’t have to listen to you bitch and complain any more."
"I’m getting out of here." I walk to the door, but it’s locked. I look at Adam and see nothing but loathing in his eyes.
"Looking for this?"
I spin around and see Gerald dangling the key from a chain. "You thought you were so slick picking this out of my pocket that day didn’t you? Well there’s only one way out of here and there’s only one way you’re getting this key and after what I’ve heard about you, I think I was going after the wrong brother." He looked at our father. "Well?"
"Sure why not. He’s a slut just like she was."
Oh shit, I thought, spinning to try and open the door and felt Gerald wrap his arms around me, his boozy breath against my ear. "Oh Matthew, I’m so going to enjoy this because I know you will too . . ."
"NOOO!"
"Matt! Matt, wake up! Wake up!"
I’m jarred awake by Adam who’s staring at me in panic. I look around and see I’m lying on the living room sofa and not in the attic. I look at Adam, who’s wearing a wheat colored cable knit sweater and jeans and not his ring gear, kneeling by the sofa. I finally collect myself and wipe the sweat that had sheened my forehead and made my clothes stick to me. "What happened?" I ask, feeling like a total dunce.
"I was in the kitchen making some popcorn to have when we watched the movies we rented and I heard you screaming."
"Oh God." I say.
"Do you remember what it was about?"
I almost start laughing. This was how it would be whenever Adam would have his nightmares; my waking him then asking what was wrong. It was weird having the shoe on the other foot. "Not really."
"C’mon Matt, who do you think you’re fooling? Besides, I’m the one who can’t remember what my dreams are about."
Don’t you? I want to ask because his nightmares always seem to circle around Dad as well as his panic.
He reaches to touch my hand, which I pull away, a residual effect of the dream. "What was it about?"
"The attic." I reply knowing it would be no good to try and hide it from him. "Some of the stuff that’s happened."
"Finally catching up to you huh?"
"I guess being in Greenwich brought it all back." Not to mention going back to the house and seeing grandfather, but these are two things I don’t mention to Adam.
Luckily, for me, the phone rings. "Who the hell could that be?" Adam asks as he goes to answer it.
"Maybe it’s Mick and Collette telling us they made it back to Florida." I offer watching him pick up.
"Hello?" A pause. "Yeah he’s here but can’t this wait until-? Okay fine." He holds the phone out. "It’s Shane."
Great. All I need. I get off the sofa and walk to where Adam is standing. "What movie did you want to watch first?" he whispers.
"Put on "Hannibal"."
"Ooh, get the scary stuff out of the way first huh?" he kisses me before leaving me alone.
"What do you want?" I snap.
"And a good evening to you too Matt."
"You know we’re on our vacation."
"I just wanted to call and find out how you’re feeling. You still looked a little piqued when you checked out this morning."
God was it this morning? I look at my watch and see it’s almost eight-thirty at night. "I’m feeling better thank you."
"Good. You know, if you want to talk about what was bothering you-"
"I don’t and if you ever bring up how upset I was around Adam, I’ll smash your damn head in," I whisper fiercely, hoping Adam wasn’t listening.
"Okay, okay, but whatever it is, it looked like you’ve bottled this up for too long and I’m just worried about your health."
"What’s wrong Shane? Afraid I’m not going to be well enough to warm your sheets for you?"
"I thought we got past that in the attic."
The attic. Like Adam had said, no matter what, it all came back to the damn attic. "Well if we were past that then why are you calling me?"
"Like I said I was worried about you."
"Well don’t. I have Adam and he’s all I need."
"Sometimes that might not be enough, given his problems."
"He’s fine. I’m fine, or at least I would be if you didn’t hound me the way you do. So for the next week or so, just leave us alone." I hang up before he could say another word. I look out in the living room and see Adam looking over the case for "Hannibal". We’d gone to see the movie on Valentine’s Day if you can believe that, along with Amy, Trish, and a couple of other non-romantics who preferred horror flicks over the mushy stuff playing that week. I remember how Bradshaw, usually he who could stomach anything, ran to the men’s room to toss his lunch after the ‘dinner’ scene. I sigh and head for the living room to sit with Adam, knowing I was setting myself up for another nightmare, but at least this time, I know that Hannibal Lecter was imagined, unlike the real nightmare known as our grandfather.
I stare at the ceiling while I listen to Adam’s deep breathing as he sleeps next to me. We’d watched all three movies; "Hannibal", "Valentine", and "Interview With the Vampire"- a rib on Adam’s first WWF gimmick as a vampire – and it was almost one in the morning before we decided to go to bed. Neither of us were feeling too passionate tonight; Adam because of the exhaustion that finally took over and me because I could hear his dream-self saying those words to me.
Carefully I open the nightstand drawer, take out the journal and the pen and walk over to the reading chair in the corner we used when we were home. Well actually, I used it more to keep and eye on Adam as he slept when we first moved in. I turn on the little reading light I’d use and look at the book on my lap, beckoning me to write more, to spill out my pain telling me it would all make me feel better if I did. I wonder if I should tell Collette about the journal, maybe even have her look at it to see if it would be all right to let Adam see it because I hate adding this to the sins I’ve already committed towards him.
I heed its call and open it to write about the first - or was it second? - of the assaults our grandfather committed against us with me as the first victim.
It was after New Year’s when we were up in the attic just going over some of the old schoolbooks we’d found in the trunks. Adam and Christian were working on fractions and I was showing Jeff how to work on his penmanship when we ran out of the lined paper Dad had brought a few days ago. I offered to go get some and headed down to the bedroom. I’d just gotten to the room with the door behind me when I heard the attic door slam shut, scaring the hell out of me. I spun around and saw grandfather standing there with the photo frame in his hand.
"Obviously you don’t know how to follow rules boy," he locks the attic door. "Thought you were pretty slick thinking I wouldn’t know about this?" He waves the frame around. "When I told you and your brothers that I didn’t want to hear a single word about your mother, I also meant I didn’t want to see any photos of her either."
"She’s our mother."
"She was a whore."
"No she wasn’t," I countered and got a slap in the bargain. My face stung like hell.
"She was a whore straight and simple. She had to have been to have had you. How the hell else can you explain your brothers being blonde while you’re so damn dark? Christ you look just like her too." He took the backing off and removed the photo.
"Give me that!" I hollered, trying to reach for it and was shoved onto the floor for my efforts. I tried picking myself up but was frozen on the spot as I watched him tear up the only reminder of our mother that I managed to pack.
"It’s bad enough that you’re here to remind me of her, but I will not allow her presence to contaminate my house." He stuck the torn bits into his pocket and tossed the frame onto Adam’s bed. He was almost at the door when I bolted toward him and grabbed for his pockets knowing I could tape up the photo and there was no way in hell he was leaving with the photo. There was a bit of a struggle between us when I heard a ripping sound it wasn’t until he shoved me back that I saw I had ripped his pants pocket. I looked up at him and the hate in his eyes was so pure I thought for sure he was going to kill me right then and there but seeing how he didn’t, he did the next best thing . . .
"You little bastard," he hissed grabbing my arm tightly enough to make me wince in pain, though that didn’t hurt as much as the punch he threw, hitting me in the face causing me to see stars. "You think you’re grown enough to take me on boy!" Another punch, this time to my ribs similar to the heart punch that had been his finishing maneuver. "Well come on Matthew! You’re big enough to come after me then fight me boy!" Another punch flew, this time right into my stomach knocking the wind right out of me.
I tried getting my breath back when I heard him laugh. "You pathetic runt. You can’t even fight like a man. You sure you’re not a little girl after all?"
I thought I could hear Adam’s voice calling from behind the locked attic door and hoped he wouldn’t come down and try to play hero. Grandfather then yanked my hair so that we were eye to eye with each other. "Remember one thing boy. You pull another stunt like that and I’ll go after all you brothers, especially that little retard. Let this be a lesson to you, you will obey my rules. You hear me?"
I couldn’t reply fast enough because my head was spinning, until he yanked my head again. "You hear me!" He practically screamed in my face.
"Yes!" I sobbed, wishing he would just let me go, which he did throwing me to the floor but not before kicking me in the back so hard, I thought he’d broken my spine in half. I just lay there sobbing, not even hearing grandfather unlocking the attic door and warning Adam and the twins about the consequences of disobeying his orders before he left, locking the door behind him.
I felt my body being lifted and started to squirm until I saw Adam looking down at me with unshed tears in his eyes. I looked over at the twins and saw the fear on their faces.
"Chris, go in the bathroom and get a wet washcloth for me okay?" Adam asked with Christian quickly obeying.
"Jeff turn down your guys’ covers okay?"
Jeff hesitated.
"Jeff please?"
Jeff pulled our bed sheets down and moved aside as Adam helped me onto the bed, my body so sore I felt like screaming.
Christian had come out with the washcloth and gave it to Adam, who wiped blood from my mouth and I could swear that grandfather had knocked three of my teeth loose.
"Christ Matt," Adam whispered, brushing some of my hair back. "What the hell did you to make him that angry?"
"He tore up Mom’s photo." I said when I calmed down. "I couldn’t let him get away with that."
"I warned you about putting the photo out."
"But she was our mother for crying out loud!" Tears burned at my eyes again. "We had every right to have a photo of her here!"
"Shhh. Shhh," he soothed, "just lie there and calm down."
"Adam?"
"What Jeff?"
"Is he going to be okay?"
"Yeah. He’s just going to be sore for a while. Why don’t you two head back upstairs and play with the Hot Wheels set?"
"But Adam –?"
"Jeff just go. Please don’t argue with me."
I thought I heard Christian say something about Jeff being the ‘race car’ as they left the bedroom, but not before Jeff gave me a hug.
We said nothing to each other. I lay there staring ahead of me and Adam sat there. A half hour must’ve passed before we heard the door lock tumblers again, both Adam and I wait with baited breath until we see Dad coming in the room.
"Christ Matt are you all right?" He crouches down beside the bed, playing the concerned father.
"Oh, just peachy." I say.
Dad looks at Adam. "What happened?"
"I came down to get some paper for the twins and grandfather had Mom’s photo," I explain, trying not to break down again. "He ripped it up and took it with him. I tried to get the pieces back and that’s when I accidentally ripped grandfather’s pants pocket."
"Oh Matt." Dad sighed. "If you wanted a photo of your Mom, I would’ve brought you guys the photo album. That would’ve been easier to hide."
"Why should we have hidden her photo?" Asked Adam. "Dad, we have every right to have her photo out."
"You know how your grandfather feels about her. Hell he even told you that himself."
"But still-"
"Adam, things are tense around here enough without you guys causing problems."
"Causing problems!" Adam shouts which sent a thunderbolt through my head. "Dad, look at what your father did to Matt. All he wanted was to have a photo of Mom here in the room and grandfather goes and does this to him."
"From what your brother himself said, he went after your grandfather-"
"After he tore up the photo of Mom."
"Listen!" Dad stood. "You all knew how he feels about your mother and you went ahead and had her photo out in full view knowing that he can come into this room at anytime and see it."
"So it’s all Matt’s fault?"
"I’m not saying that."
"Then what are you saying? That whenever grandfather comes in and sees something he doesn’t like, that gives him the right to pound on us?"
"When you go after him the way Matt did, yes."
Adam stared at Dad in disbelief. "I can’t believe you just said that."
"Well I did. Look I’m not condoning what your grandfather did, but Matt has to shoulder some of the blame."
"Shoulder the blame? He’s only ten years old!"
Dad ran his hand over his hair, which was a sign that he was reaching his frustration point. "He knew coming into this what your grandfather was like. How he felt about your mother. As I said, I don’t condone what your grandfather did-"
"That’s what it sounds like."
He looked at his watch. "I have to get going."
"To where? Some society dinner with your new girlfriend?"
"No. To the hospital. Your grandmother was admitted last night and they don’t think she’ll pull through this time."
"What about Matt?"
"He’ll be fine. I’ll come in later and check on him. Tell the twins I’ll see them later too." He walked out of the room, but not before pausing to look at us. "And guys, behave yourselves. Please?"
He walked out of the room, leaving Adam to stare in disbelief and me in pain, and more than just physical. "Adam?"
"What Matt?"
"I think Jeff was right." I look at him. "Dad does hate us."
"Matt?"
I look up and see Adam looking at me in the darkness.
"Hey," I close the journal. "Did I wake you?"
"Just exactly what are you writing anyways?"
"I told you, just chronicling our travels."
"Then why do you look so sad while you’re writing?"
"I don’t know."
"Can I read what you have so far?"
"Not now. I’m not done yet."
"For tonight you are. Get over here and get some sleep. Christ, I thought I was the insomniac of the family."
"I will in a few minutes."
I hear him sigh before turning over onto his side. Finally having enough of the bad memories, I decide to close the journal and walk over to the bed. I slide the journal back into the nightstand drawer and slide in beside Adam, his body warm and inviting as I spoon it from behind. I push some hair aside to kiss the back of his neck where I know it turns him into jelly.
I hear him purr when I do that. He starts to turn over but I don’t allow him, keeping him in the position he’s in; laying on his side. "Stay still," I whisper as I slide his sweatpants down his legs. He does but his body has become rigid as if that fear has come back. I continue kissing the side of his neck all the while holding him to me. I let one of my arms loose and slide my own sweatpants down so he could feel my erection pressing against him.
"Matt, stop." I hear him whisper.
"Shhh," I soothe, now moving my lips over his deltoid area to his shoulder. I feel him tremble and innocently think it’s because he wants me to continue.
"Matt please . . ."
I turn him slightly so we could kiss, my tongue sliding in, tasting the combination of mint from his toothpaste and the lingering of garlic from the breadsticks. I then kiss along his jaw and up toward his temple. His breathing has become irregular as if he were cold and I could hear him whispering, "Stop, please . . . stop."
I do stop and I look down at his face and see it go pale and panic-stricken the way it does whenever I try to make love to him.
"Adam?"
But wherever he is, he’s there deep. "Get off me. Get the hell off me," he still whispers.
I move away but he’s still in that world that he’s in when he has the night terrors. "Adam? Honey, it’s Matt. Come back, okay? Come back to me."
"Get away from me."
"I am away from you." I slide my sweatpants back up. "I am away from you."
"Don’t touch me."
I do though, hoping to let him know that he was safe here with me, but when my hand makes contact with his shoulder, he spins around and the next thing I know, he has his hands around my throat, choking the hell out of me. I try to breathe, but his grip is so tight I can only get short quick gasps.
"You bastard!" I hear him shout. "I told you I’d kill you if you touched me again and I meant it!"
"Adam!" I croak out. "Adam stop it!"
With my vision dimming, I do the one thing I could think of and slap Adam across the face. Hard. He lets go and leaves me to gasp for air. I look at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I shout, well more like a loud croak, as my throat is sore.
He looks at me and the comprehension dawns on him as to what he’d done. "Oh my God," he whispers, his hand over his mouth. "Oh God Matt I’m sorry." He reaches out for me but I flinch, which just makes him cry harder. Sliding into my protective mode, I automatically reach out and hold him to me. "Oh God, Matt I’m so sorry."
"I know. I know." I soothe as I always have.
He looks at me, his eyes red and watery. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
He kisses me. "I’m sorry."
I nod, feeling totally drained as though a nod was all I could offer right then, which it was.
16
We barely said a word to each other as we drove to the cemetery the next morning. In fact the entire morning to this point had been nothing but silence between us other than his asking what I wanted for breakfast and my asking for whatever part of the paper he had finished reading. This was always the hardest part of coming home, going to visit Mom and Jeff’s graves. The memories it brought back.
We were paused at a red light when I finally spoke. "Know what I was thinking?"
"No, what?"
"I was thinking we should get a marker for Christian. Put it right next to Jeff’s."
"How would we explain it?" Adam asks.
"Everyone knows Chris was your brother."
"He was yours too."
"I know, but we could just tell him you wanted him buried here because you lived here."
"I wish we could bury him. I wonder what Dad and grandfather did to his body." He glances at me as the light changes. "You don’t think they buried him in Greenwich?"
I don’t say anything, knowing full well what they’d done to him, but not wanting to distress Adam anymore than he was. "I don’t know what to think. It’s possible."
"God I hope not."
Pulling up into the cemetery we see another car not parked far from where Mom and Jeff are buried. Adam turned off the ignition and looked at it. "Who do you think it could be?"
I look over in the direction of the graves and get my answer. "Raven."
We both get out of the car. Adam’s wearing a simple black sweater and jeans with his boots, while I’m wearing a turtleneck to cover the bruises from last night. We walk over and join Raven as he just stares at Jeff’s headstone, his emotion unreadable.
"Hey," I greet as we approach him. He looks so much better than he had in a long time, even at the arena a few days ago he looked so tired and worn out but now, he looks pretty rested.
"Hey," he returns, hugging both Adam and me. "Hope you don’t mind my coming by."
"Hell no," Adam says. "It’s good to see you again."
"That your mom Matt?" He points down at our mother’s headstone, which bears her maiden name. At some point during our being hidden away, our grandparents had had the name on her stone changed from Helmsley to her maiden name of Laurer, something Adam and were grateful for. For a brief second I wondered if Dad ever came here to pay his respects to his first wife and youngest son.
"Yeah," I tell him.
"Looks like getting back in the ring agrees with you." Adam says to Raven.
"Yeah, I missed it. Mind you I don’t miss the morning after aches and pains," he chuckles, "but it’s been nice to get back in the swing of things."
I look at Raven again and see he’s dressed differently than he usually is. Instead of the ripped jeans and comic inspired shirts, he’s wearing dress slacks, a sweater and a dress coat, but his hair is still in braids and pulled back. "So what brings you by North Carolina?" I ask.
"Cornette asked me along for a couple of meetings with some television affiliates, see if we can’t get some more markets for OVW. How’ve you two been? I heard there was quite a scene with you and Shane in Greenwich." He looks at me.
Adam looks at me as well and I feel my face turn hot. "It was nothing. I had too much to drink and he was there, so I went up and threw up in his bathroom."
"That’s not how he put it."
Damn, I should’ve known Shane would blab to someone, but did that someone have to be Jeff’s ex-boyfriend, who coincidentally happens to be Shane’s best friend?
It’s a too damn small world after all, isn’t it?
"You know Shane," I dismiss. "He tends to exaggerate."
"Yeah he does. Especially when it comes to you. Talk to Vince yet?"
"No. He’s been behaving himself lately."
"Good. Listen, I’m gonna head out."
"You don’t have to leave on our account." Adam says.
"I’m not. Cornette and I are heading back to Ohio this afternoon and the flight leaves in a couple of hours. I just wanted to come here and see Jeff while I was here." We watch as he crouches down and, pressing two fingers to his lips, he places them on Jeff’s headstone. "See you later Skittles," he whispers, using his personal nickname for Jeff. "Take care of yourself now, wherever you are."
A couple more hugs and promises to get together for drinks sometime and we watch him walk toward his car, wiping his eyes.
"Never ends does it?" I hear Adam say as Raven pulls away.
"What?"
"The pain."
"Someday it will." Even I doubted my words the second they were out of my mouth.
"When?" He looks at me. "When does it end Matt? When grandfather gets his wish and we’re all gone. When I go off on you like I did last night, except I finally go too far and kill you?"
"Adam . . ."
"When Matt? When the hell are we ever going to get past that damned attic and what it’s done to us?"
I say nothing, knowing whatever I say won’t be the right thing at this time or any other.
We came home a few hours later after running some errands, including picking up what we needed to make the five cheese lasagna and the tiramisu we planned on having tonight, figuring after the events of the past few days some comfort food was all we needed. While unpacking the groceries, I heard the upstairs fax machine ringing.
"I’ll get it." Adam said. "Probably Vince sending us our schedule."
I nodded, unloading the bags. Putting everything away, I leave out the pasta and sauce planning on using them when Adam comes down with a dark look on his face. "What is it?"
"He doesn’t give up does he?" He slaps the two sheets of paper down on the butcher-block table I was standing by. On one is our schedule and another is on Shane’s personal stationary and on it it’s written – Matt, thinking of you and hope you’re okay. Call me when you get a chance. Shane.
"That’s it." I hear Adam say. "We get back on the road, I’m kicking his ass and that’s after we tell Vince about the shit he’s pulled."
"Adam-"
"Who the fuck does he think he is?" Adam slams the refrigerator door after taking out a can of Pepsi. "He thinks just because he’s Vince McMahon’s son that gives him the right to harass anyone he wants. I’m surprised he didn’t go after Jeff when he was alive."
"Raven would’ve killed him if he did. Even if they were friends." I say absently, my mind flashing back to that kiss in Shane’s suite.
"With all the guys they got from getting WCW and ECW, why the hell does he keep insisting on hitting on you? It’s been three years now he’s been pulling this shit with you."
"He’s jealous." I say, recalling what Shane said to me in the attic the day of the picnic.
"Of what? He’s got money, he’s the heir apparent of the WWF. What the hell has he got to be jealous of?"
"Us." I look at Adam. "He’s jealous of what you and I have."
"He should be. At least at what I have."
"I don’t know. He just seems lonely, so he decides to take that out on me."
"Don’t." Adam cautions. "Don’t ever blame yourself for the way that little asshole acts."
"I’m not. I never have. It’s just it can’t be easy being him."
"Well most human beings usually do find it hard to act like some sleaze ball."
"That’s not what I meant." I dig the pasta pot out from the bottom of the cabinet. "I mean think of it. His father runs a multi-million dollar corporation that he knows he has to take over some day and then there’s the added pressure of getting the boys’ respect and-"
"Matt, why are you defending him?"
"I’m not."
"Sounds like you are." A pause. "Are you sure nothing more happened the other night?"
"What?"
"You just were using his bathroom right?"
I blinked. "What the hell are you getting at?"
"Well first you damn near knock the guy on his ass during our anniversary party and now you’re coming off like his damn publicist. What really happened while you were with him?"
"Nothing happened and I resent the fact that you think anything did."
"I’m not accusing you of anything."
"Well it sure as hell sounds like it."
Adam sighed. "Okay fine, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go there."
"You know I’d never cheat on you."
"I know."
I laugh the laugh of confusion as to how we even got discussing this. "You know what? Let’s not think about Shane or anyone else right now. Let’s just get dinner started."
I move to the sink where I begin running water into the pasta pan and jump a little when I feel Adam’s arms around my waist. "I seem to be upsetting you a lot lately," I hear him murmur in my ear, his breath sending chills through me.
"Don’t worry about it." I assure him.
I feel his left hand pull the neck of my turtleneck down and sigh when I feel his lips brush against the bruises he’d left there. I swear, every time he kisses me, he turns me into jelly.
It isn’t long before I feel his hands under the shirt moving around, burning my skin with his touches. I just close my eyes and lean against him, aching for him. It doesn’t take long for his hands to undo the belt and button of my jeans so his hand could slide down into them. I gasp when I feel his hand make contact with my hardening erection.
"Just stay still," he whispers as he manipulates me while I still have my pants on. His hand slides up and down, rubbing the top of my cock, his fingers sometime just grazing the tip where I could feel the pre-cum making my underpants wet. "God I love you so much, Matt."
"I love you too," I manage to say as I slide my hands down to press his even closer, the friction almost too delicious for words. I rock my hips against his, hoping he would get the message about my wanting him in me, but he only chuckles that deep throaty laugh he does when he’s amused at me.
"Not now." He whispers.
"Please?"
"Later." He moves his hand faster. I’ve thrown my head back gasping for air as I feel myself build up to what I know will be another mind blowing orgasm.
"That’s it," he whispers. "Come for me honey. Come for me now."
And as if obeying his command I do, my insides clutching me so violently, it throws me forward, smacking my forehead on the faucet but not really caring as I feel myself pour into Adam’s hand. "Oh God!" I pant, feeling my knees go weak as I rest my head on the edge of the sink before straightening up back into Adam’s embrace.
He slides his hand out of my waistband and though he didn’t get all of it, he has enough on his fingers to take them in his mouth and suck them dry before kissing me. "You okay?" He asks kissing my forehead.
"I’m fine," I say giggling a little and the first time in a while, I can honestly say I was. As long as I was with Adam, I would always be fine, even with our problems.
Warm, well fed and sated, I sit in our bedroom in the chair I sat in last night while I hear Adam downstairs. True to his word, he started doing the laundry after we washed the dishes. I decided to take advantage of it by sneaking up here under the pretext of checking our e-mail to write some more in the journal. Looking over what I’ve written, I see I’m going to have to get another one if I continue writing the way I have. Deciding to pick one up tomorrow, I uncap the pen and write again, this time of when Dad dropped the first of many bombshells on us.
February came around and with it brought the twins’ eighth birthday.
Dad joined us, even brining two small cakes with him, one shaped like a car for Christian and the other one done like a painting for Jeff. Once again, art supplies and Hot Wheel cars were the main presents. For what it was worth, Adam and I did manage to find something for them in the attic; Adam had found an old painting easel in one of the far corners for Jeff and I found an old metal race car in a trunk for Christian. At first the twins didn’t know what to think getting presents from the brothers they didn’t normally associate with, but they liked them all the same.
Things were still tense between Adam, Dad, and myself but we agreed we wouldn’t ruin this day for them.
"So how’s grandmother?" Jeff asked between bites of cake.
"Better." Dad said. Usually when he came for something like this, he brought in a chair from one of the other rooms to sit on. "She should be back on her feet soon."
It was always the same song and dance with Dad. We hadn’t really seen him much since the day grandfather went off. Oh sure he’d come in and spend a few minutes, see if we needed anything and then leave, something I knew hurt Jeff beyond words, though he never said much. As far as Christian went, as long as Adam and Jeff were around, he didn’t seem to care if he saw Dad or not. It was the same feeling I held after that day, but I never said anything because I didn’t want to upset my little shadow.
The day grandfather went off, she’d been admitted with chest pains, which turned out to be minor. This time around, which had kept Dad away for two whole weeks, there was trouble with her blood pressure.
It was always something.
We’d finished the cakes and were just sitting there when Dad leaned forward in the way he did when he had something to say. "Listen guys, I’ve got some news and I don’t know how you’re going to take it, so just wait until I finish okay?"
Adam and I looked at each other, wondering if it was what we think it was.
"I’ve decided to go back out on the road."
Four heads swiveled in Dad’s direction.
"You’re what?" Adam asked.
"I’m going back to work. Back on the road."
"Can we come with you?" Jeff asked.
"Sorry, Jeff, but no. Not this time." There had been times when Mom and Dad had taken us on the road with them provided it was within a ten-mile radius so we wouldn’t be worn out by the traveling and miss much school.
"But what about us? You’re not leaving us alone with him?" I asked.
"It’s just for a month and-"
"A month?"
"Yeah."
"You’re just working the month right and then you’re back for good?" Adam asked.
"Well I’ll be back to visit, but if things go well with the new owner, I might be on the road a lot more."
"What about grandmother?"
"She’ll be okay while I’m gone. Actually it was her idea."
"Okay, back to my original question." I say. "What about us? Dad you can’t leave us alone with him."
"Well if you behave yourself, there shouldn’t be any problems, should there?"
That stung.
"Look guys, this is the only way I can get money for the lawyers."
"Well if things seem to be so hunky dory between you and grandmother as you’ve said, then why not-"
"You know why not!" Dad snapped. "Christ Matthew, you think this is easy for me? You think I want to leave you guys here?"
"Then don’t." Adam said.
"Do you have any idea how short a career in wrestling is? It’s not just the physical stuff, it’s the having to go out there and be seen. I’ve been gone about six months and already I’m in the ‘where are they now?’ files."
"So you’re just going to up and leave us like that?"
"If that were the case, I wouldn’t have come here to tell you." Again he runs his hands over his hair. "I’m not going to be gone all the time. A couple weeks here, a few days there. I’ll even give you guys my schedule, so you can mark off the calendar."
"I don’t want you to go." Jeff says.
Dad sighed. "Jeff . . ."
"Don’t you love us anymore?"
"Jeff you know I do."
"Then why are you leaving?"
"I just told you-"
"If you loved us then you wouldn’t leave!"
"Jeffery . . ."
I tensed, afraid of what might happen next.
"No! You don’t love us! You never have or you wouldn’t lock us here in this creepy attic and you wouldn’t be leaving us!"
"That’s enough!" Dad shouted.
Jeff stood up, knocking his chair over. "I hate you! I hope you have an accident like mommy and die!" He screamed before bolting out of the room up to the attic.
"I don’t need this." Dad growls before leaving, leaving the chair he brought in with him behind.
The room is deathly quiet afterwards.
Adam looks at Christian. "How’re you doing?" He asks, brushing his bangs back.
He nods. "I’ll go see Jeff," he says before leaving the table.
We watch the door close behind him. Adam sighs. "And ladies and gentlemen, that wraps up another typical Helmsley family get together."
I laugh without meaning to.
"Of all the fucking days for him to drop that little bomb, why today? Why on their birthday?" Adam says, collecting the dishes we saved for these occasions we’d gotten from the attic.
"Almost makes me wonder what he has in store for mine."
It wouldn’t be long before we would find out.
"I thought you were going through your e-mail."
I look up and see Adam in the doorway looking at me.
"I did." I close the journal again. "Nothing exciting. Just some spam and some horny old ladies." I giggle.
"Better than the horny old men I get." He laughed in return. "How’s your head?"
I touch my forehead where’s there’s a slight bump. "To tell you the truth, I don’t even remember it happening."
"That good huh?"
"That good? It was that damn-" I cut myself off, realizing I was thisclose to using one of Dad’s catchphrases.
"Well I’m going to go check mine. The laundry’s half done, all it needs is to be folded."
"Gee, I wonder whose half got done."
He smiles before leaving me alone.
I open up and resume writing.
For a while after that Jeff was inconsolable. No matter what we all tried, he wouldn’t do anything. He wouldn’t touch the supplies Dad bought him, he wouldn’t go on the swing, he wouldn’t play cars with Christian and he wouldn’t work on his cursive writing with me.
I worried about him, voicing my concern to Adam, who just said, "Give him some time. He’ll be back to normal."
As the days went by though, he did come back little by little. At first he was playing with Chris, then he eventually threw himself into the lessons Adam and I were giving him, not just with his handwriting, but also with the math and other subjects. He seemed to like English a lot, intently studying things like theme and composition. It was about then I think he started writing as a substitute for his art, which I’m sure reminded him too much of Dad, who’d stopped by the day before he left. Though Adam, Christian and I said goodbye, Jeff stayed in the attic reading and no matter how much we hollered, begged and ordered he wouldn’t come down. Not that I blame him, looking back now, but I could still see the stung look on Dad’s face when he left, knowing that his favorite wasn’t going to forgive and forget as he had before and for a second I almost felt sorry for him.
Mind you I say almost.
Things were pretty quiet for a time, meaning there had been no further run ins with grandfather, but there was something disturbing starting that we didn’t pay no attention to at first though we probably should have.
Gerald.
Now he was a pretty creepy guy to begin with, but whenever he brought our tray in and Jeff was in the room I could almost see him undressing Jeff with his eyes. Though we were never to make eye contact with him when he came in the room, we had installed a mirror in the bedroom and it was through that I could see the sickening way he would rake his eyes over Jeff, like he was a starving man and Jeff was the first meal he’d had in a long time. I even mentioned it to Adam out of earshot of the twins.
"You’re probably reading more into it then is there." Adam says.
"You’re telling me that in all the time we’ve been here and he’s delivered our meals, you’ve never seen the way he looks at Jeff?"
"Maybe it’s because I don’t want to make eye contact with the creep."
After that, I made sure Jeff never went down into the bedroom alone, even if he had to just go to the bathroom. I just didn’t want to take the chance of Gerald, the only other person with a key to this room other than Dad and grandfather, coming in and surprising him.
Sadly, like everything else that happened later, it would be a case of ‘if we knew then what we knew now’.
Using the calendar Dad had left us, we saw it’d been three weeks since he’d left and he was due back tomorrow, which probably meant we wouldn’t see him until the next day, but when he did finally come in, bearing gifts, I brought up the subject of Gerald while the twins were upstairs, Christian having taken Jeff’s gift up to him since he was still pretty mad at Dad.
"Don’t you think you’re just being a little paranoid Matthew?"
Here we go again.
"I don’t think I’m paranoid at all Dad. You’re not around. You don’t see the way he looks at Jeff when he brings the tray."
"And how would you know the way he looks at Jeff? Grandfather told you guys to not make any eye contact with him."
"The mirror." I point to the mirror we hung on the other side of the room facing the door so that we could see who was coming in.
"Matthew," he says before sighing. "These petty complaints of yours have to stop."
"Petty? Telling you that grandfather’s - whatever he is - could be a pervert is not a petty complaint. I thought you loved Jeff."
"Well these days I’m not so sure. With the way he’s been behaving-"
"Dad," Adam intervened. "Jeff’s just upset about your leaving. You know he didn’t mean what he said."
"Then why isn’t he here?"
"Because he’s stubborn. Like you." Adam said getting a smirk from Dad.
"Yeah I guess he did inherit that from me."
"So what about Gerald?" I asked.
"Matt, your grandfather’s a busy man, especially now that your grandmother’s been sick and Gerald’s the only one here he could trust to keep your being here a secret. I just wish you wouldn’t let your imagination run away with you. You’re going to wind up scaring the twins if you keep it up."
"Well if it means keeping that pervert away from my little brother then I’m willing to take my chances."
Jeff never did come down before Dad left. He even sent the present Dad had bought for him back down with Christian. Dad told us to hang onto it in case Jeff ‘came around’.
A few hours after Dad had left, we were putting stuff away before dinner and when we headed downstairs to wash up, we paused as we entered the room.
The mirror was gone.
Adam walked into the room rubbing his eyes. "I swear," he says sitting on the bed taking off his boots. "I read one more perverted e-mail, I’m changing my e-mail address."
"Bob write you again?" "Bob" was our nickname for this one fan who kept writing to Adam.
"No, but he must have some sick relatives out there. There was this one – I’m going to have to print it out and show it to you – you wouldn’t believe what he wants to do to me. Let’s just say I’ll never think of creamsicles the same way again."
My thoughts faded from the journal for a moment. The one downside of our being wrestlers were the kooks that were out there. Sure we’d get e-mails and presents from fans that were a little risqué, mostly teenaged girls with hyperactive hormones or single women hoping to hook up with us, but there were times when I’d look at Adam’s mail and some of them were just scary and I knew changing the e-mail address wouldn’t work because some techno geek would always find out what it was and give it out to their friends hoping to come off like a big shot ‘insider’. My biggest fear was that one of those kooks would try and act out their fantasies.
"Still writing?" He asks as he takes off his shirt.
"Yeah."
"Sure I can’t see what it is?"
"Not until I’m done." And even then I was doubtful I could let him see it.
"What is it? A novel?"
"No. It’s like I said. I’m just writing about our trips on the road."
"Then what’s with the secrecy?" He slides out of his pants.
"Because there’s some stuff about you and I don’t want you to get mad about my writing it down."
"Like what?"
"Does a certain stunt with a fax machine on our anniversary rung a bell?"
"Like I’m going to get mad at that?" He laughs.
"Then there was the time in Florida you filled that swimming pool with bubble bath."
He gapes at me. "How did you-?"
"Come on Adam, it was all you." I laugh, thinking back to then he filled the swimming pool of the school we’d attended with tinted bubble bath. Problem was, the tint he’d used was that of the rival school’s colors, almost causing an all out riot between the schools. Like I told Shane, he may intense at times, but he does have his moments. "You may have led those poor freshmen down the road of temptation, but you were the one who made the bubble bath using some of Collette’s Halloween hair color. I saw you."
He breaks out laughing. "Man did you see the principal’s face when he came into the pool area and saw that?"
I did remember because they put my grade and Adam’s together for swim class.
"His face was as red as the bubbles." I said, chuckling.
"Well at least it got us out of swim class for a while. We didn’t have to explain the marks on our backs."
"No." I sigh, getting out of the chair and walking over to the bed where I once again hid the journal in my nightstand drawer, before undressing for bed.
We slid into bed at the same time with Adam curling up to me tonight. "Think Mick and Collette ever found out?" He asks me his head on my chest as I turn off the light.
"If they did they never let on." I lay there and shivered as I felt his long fingers begin to stroke my left nipple as I felt his breath on my right.
"Remember when I said in the kitchen how you had to wait until later?" he kisses my nipple, licking it gently as he removes his lips.
"Uh-huh." I say, feeling that all too familiar stir in my belly.
"Well later is now." He moves his face to mine and kisses me.
"And what brought this on?"
"Let’s just say my fans might be a little sick, but they are inspiring. Now if only we had some creamsicles."
I laugh as I wrap my arms around him, losing myself in the moment and in him.
17
Needing to get out of the house for a while, Adam and I headed for a shopping mall, which usually means almost causing a riot if anyone knew we were there, but today it wasn’t overly busy and everyone seemed to respect our need for privacy. Not to say we didn’t sign any autographs and pose for photos, but we weren’t swamped the way we usually were.
We wandered through a CVS drugstore, making the odd comment and checking to see if there was anything we wanted to buy. I picked up a few odds and ends, while Adam picked up two bottles of Suave conditioner, both in coconut.
It was over at the magazine section, while I was perusing a copy of WWF magazine, wondering how someone like Steven Richards managed to get his own page, when I heard this woman’s voice behind me. "Matthew?"
I look over my shoulder and see a blonde haired woman staring at me in the way one does when hoping the person they’re talking to is the person they think it is. I put the magazine down and look at her. There was something familiar about her, but I couldn’t place it. "Do I know you?" I venture, knowing the only people who ever calls me Matthew are my family or those I knew real well.
"I hope so." She says. "I’m your Aunt Jenny. Your Mom’s sister."
Sister? I thought Dad said Mom was an only child.
"Hey Matt, you ready to check out?" Adam pulls up short when he sees the woman in front of us.
"Adam?" She chuckles nervously.
We look at each other, not sure as to what’s happening here.
"Hold on a moment." She rummages through her purse and pulls out a little photo album. She opens it to a photo of Adam and me with Mom and her. We were sitting on the back porch; Adam had to have been what four? And I was two? I was on Mom’s lap while Adam was on hers.
"Remember me now?"
"Vaguely." Adam admits, looking at the photo.
"Well it has been a long time. The last time I saw you guys was when the twins were born. After that, I moved out west."
We look at each other a little confused.
"Is there something wrong?"
"Well," I speak. "I know this sounds strange, but we always believed that our Mom was an only child."
She laughs. "I know that’s what she wished for while we were growing up, but I assure you two, you do have other family here in town."
Dad strikes again.
I look at the picture again. And hear Mom’s voice, " . . . and that’s your Aunt Jenny. She lives out west in Nevada."
It doesn’t strike me until now what she meant. I always thought she was referring to her as "aunt" the way parents call their best friends.
"So you’re Mom’s sister?" I ask.
"Exactly."
"Guess it has been a long time." Adam says handing the photo album back to her.
"I’ll say. How have you four been?"
I remember. We haven’t had any contact with any of the Laurers since Dad took us away from here. I wonder what they thought when they saw Jeff’s headstone, with the last name Hardy so close to hers.
"It’s a long story." Adam says. "Listen Matt, why don’t I take your stuff up and pay for it?"
I hand him my basket and he heads up for the counter.
"Did I say something wrong?" she asks.
"No, it’s like he said. It’s a long story."
"You know, I can’t get over how much you look like your mother, and Adam, he looks so much like Paul."
Oh, I bet he’d love to hear that.
"Listen if you two aren’t too busy, why don’t you stop by the house? I know Mom and Dad would love to see you guys after all these years."
"How are grandma and grandpa?" I ask, startled by how quickly I slide into calling them that.
"They’re getting on in years though you wouldn’t know it to look at them. Here," she takes out a notepad and writes down an address. "Stop by anytime after six. That’s when we usually have dinner. I’ll let Mom and Dad know you two are coming so they can set a place for the two of you."
"I’ll have to check with Adam, but I’ll call and let you know either way."
"Great," she hugs me. "God it’s so good to see you again, and if the twins are with you, bring them along."
Oh God. I only nod, wondering how the hell we’re going to tell our grandparents that two of their grandchildren are dead.
It took some convincing but Adam did agree to come with me to the Laurers.
"Hi!" Aunt Jenny greeted when she swung the door open. "Come on in!"
We walked into the house and were greeted by a rowdy scene. There were a mixture of grown ups, teenagers and children sitting around talking, playing and arguing. Aunt Jenny took our coats and ushered us into the living room where everyone was gathered.
"Everyone! They’re here!"
As it had been with our anniversary party, we were swamped. At one point I was getting so dizzy from trying to remember everyone’s names and how we were related. I looked for Adam and found him surrounded by a couple of cousins asking about wrestling.
"Matthew! Adam!"
We looked to see a slender woman in her sixties walk towards us with the same black as night hair color that my Mom and I had inherited. At first she hugged and kissed Adam before turning to me. "My God," she whispered. "You’re the spitting image of Joanie."
" . . . You look just like her . . ." I hear my grandfather’s voice hiss in my ear, but I shake it off, deciding to focus on the chaotic scene around me.
"James!" Our grandmother shouts. "James, the boys are here!"
I watch as a man almost the same height as our father but not as fit, walked in from the kitchen and hug Adam, who seemed a little uncomfortable with the contact, before coming to me. "Matthew!" he says with a laugh. "My God Jenny you weren’t kidding when you said he looked like her."
"Told you." I hear her say from the doorway.
My grandmother takes my hand and leads me out of the room grabbing Adam as well. "Everyone just sit relax and do what you were doing before they got here." she orders. "We just want a few minutes with them before dinner."
Everyone resumed his or her activities as we follow her into a parlor. "Please," she says motioning to a love seat across from where she and grandpa were sitting. "Have a seat."
We sit and I can tell Adam is just overwhelmed by everything.
"God it has been too long." Grandpa begins.
"Where are the twins?" Grandma asks. "Couldn’t they come with you?"
Here we go. "It’s . . . hard to explain." I say looking at Adam who’s looking at the floor.
"They’ve passed away." Adam says suddenly.
"What do you mean they’ve passed away?" Grandma asks.
"Christian died from an illness and Jeff . . ."
"An accident." Adam looks up.
"Oh dear God," our grandmother moans. "Oh those poor sweet boys."
You have no idea.
"What kind of illness did Christian die from?" our grandfather asked.
"Pneumonia." I lie.
"Didn’t your father take him to a doctor?" Grandfather asked.
"He did, but there were complications."
"Translation, he didn’t do a damn thing until it was too late." Grandpa says bitterly.
Adam and I look at each other.
"James . . ."
"I never did like Paul. He was too sneaky, too smooth. The way he showed off just rubbed me the wrong way. Just some snotty rich boy who drove our Joanie away from us."
"James."
Our grandfather looks at us. "I don’t know how close you two are with your father-"
"We’re not." Adam says.
"How did Mom meet Dad anyways?"
"I don’t know all the details," Grandmother begins. "All I know is she came home from a school trip to Connecticut and that she’d met a boy up there named Paul Helmsley. They wrote back and forth, called back and forth. He even came to visit once or twice."
"Even then I didn’t like him. Like I said, something about him rubbed me the wrong way. Then there was the way he talked Joanie into letting him train with Walter-"
"Walter?" Adam asked.
"Kowalski. He’s an old family friend of ours. I’m sure you boys might’ve heard of him at some time. He went under the name "Killer" Kowalski."
I nodded. "We saw him up in Greenwich at the Smack Down Legends show."
"Your great grandfather knew him from when he used to work for the promotion around here." Grandfather continued. "Anyways, your mother was so blind in love with Paul, she would’ve done anything for him. I tell you, it just burns me the way his family acted toward her. Bunch of goddamned snobs."
I was going to say "A bunch of psychotic snobs," but bit my tongue.
"It’s not that we wanted to discourage Joanie from being a wrestler." Grandmother points out. "But we were happy when we heard she was pregnant with Adam."
"Just wish you had a different father."
So did we.
"Can I ask you a question?" I venture.
"Sure sweetie." Grandmother says. "What is it?"
"I don’t know how to ask this, but after Mom died, did you file for custody for us?"
Our grandparents looked at each other. "The thought had passed our minds," grandfather said. "After all your grandmother and I thought it best if you got be around your cousins and other family to help you through it so we had called about making arrangements for joint custody with your father, but when we filed the papers, your father and you guys seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth."
"We even had a detective look for you guys, but no luck. After a while, we just hoped that we’d hear from you someday." Grandmother said.
"When you filed, did it have to do with Mom’s money?"
"Who said that?"
"Dad. He told us that the reason we had to leave was because you and grandpa wanted our Mom’s money and when you had it you were going to split us up."
"Why that lying sack of shit!" Grandfather exploded. "How dare he!"
"He said you’d done it to Mom. Shuffled her off to a foster home." Adam spoke.
"We’ll admit that when your mother was little your grandfather and I were going through some problems and Joanie had to be put in foster care, but it was only a little while. She never held it against us. In fact we’re still friends with the people who took her in."
"Not mention he said she was an only child."
"That lying piece of garbage." Our grandfather snarled.
"Granted when Joanie was a little girl she wished she was an only child-"
"That’s what Aunt Jenny said when we ran into her." I say.
"-But as you can see, she has two brothers and Jenny, and the multitudes they brought with them."
We laughed.
"I always knew there was something not right with that marriage." Grandfather continued. "He made her cut off contact with us, hell we didn’t even know about the twins until they were almost a year old. Then there were the phone calls-"
"James please. Let’s not upset the boys about that."
"Why not? They themselves say they’re not close to him. I see no problem with telling them the truth or what I expect is the truth."
"What’s that?"
Grandfather looked at us. "I don’t know if your mother ever mentioned this to you boys, but she was afraid of your father and his family. The night before her accident she called asking us to get the lawyers to draw up the custody agreement in case anything happened to her that we were to take sole custody of the four of you if anything happened to her. Sadly she died before we could get the agreement drawn up."
I had that knocked in the gut feeling again. The same I had when Dad told us Mom had died. I look at Adam and he’s as pale as a sheet. "You’re saying Dad might have killed Mom?" He asked.
"Might have? I believe he did."
"All right James!" Our grandmother snapped. "I know you’re still hurt over Joanie’s death but this is not the time nor the place to discuss something we can’t prove and you’ve gone and upset the boys on what’s supposed to be a happy occasion." She stood. "I think dinner should almost be ready if Jenny’s kept an eye on it so why don’t you boys collect yourselves before coming out?" She walked over to us and gave us a hug and a kiss. "I’m so sorry about this. Your grandfather and your mother were very close. He’s never recovered from her death."
"Especially when it could’ve been a murder." Grandfather stood.
"James!" She looked at us. "We’ll send someone to get you when dinner is ready."
"Thank you." I said, Adam not saying a thing.
Another hug and we were left alone.
"What if he’s right?" Adam whispers. "What if he did kill Mom?"
I sigh. On top of everything else we’ve dealt with now we have this to dwell on.
I guess Thomas Wolfe was right; you really can’t go home again, because God only knows what you’ll find out when you do.
Dinner was one boisterous affair, with questions zooming at us from all directions about where we’d been, how we got into wrestling, how we like it.
There was one awkward moment when Uncle Sonny asked us, "You know, I couldn’t help but notice you guys have got wedding band on your fingers, so where are the lucky women?"
Adam and I, seated across from each other, looked to see who would answer first. We’d totally forgotten to take the rings off before coming over.
"Well actually," Adam spoke. "They’re sort of decoy rings."
"Decoy rings?" Aunt Jenny said.
"Yeah. We get so many women throwing themselves at us that we wear these to kind of cool their ardor for a bit."
"So what do you guys do when you see one you like?"
"Simple. Take it off."
"Kind of like what you do every time you go to the strip club right Sonny?" Uncle Daniel cracked breaking the table out in laughter.
"Hell, I get more attention when I wear it than I do when I take it off."
Three hours later, we said our goodbyes, promising to keep in touch and to visit before we headed out on the road.
Getting home, we checked the fax machine to see if anything came in and while Adam went to our room to change into his nightclothes, I turned on the computer and checked my e-mail for real this time and found over a hundred e-mails in my inbox. Skimming over the list of who wrote, I deleted the spam, moved the ones that looked like fan mail to its folder and paused when I saw one address I hoped I didn’t have to see unless it was business: Shanomack.
Looking over my shoulder to make sure Adam wouldn’t walk in on me, I opened it.
Matt, it began, I know it seems like I’m pestering you on your vacation, but I really am worried about you, especially after our phone call. If you can, could you at least let me know you’re all right? Shane.
I pressed reply and wrote: Shane, you’re right, you are pestering me on my vacation. And as I have told you during that phone call, I don’t need your sort of friendship. I have Adam and that’s all I need. And sending me that fax was not a good thing, especially since Adam found it. You caught me at a bad moment in Greenwich and I don’t need someone like you trying to take advantage of it. So please, if you give a damn about me at all, leave me alone! Matt.
I clicked send and leaned back. I felt a headache coming on and for a second was afraid I was going to have a stroke with all that’s been going on. I know I should talk to Adam about it, but he’s got enough on his mind, especially after the bombshell grandpa dropped on us about what he thought Dad might’ve done to Mom.
If he had killed her, then why? And what about locking us away like that? He claims he was trying to protect us, but I wonder what the real motivation behind that was.
"Hey." Adam says to me from the office doorway. "Wanna watch some movies with me? Get your mind off things?"
"Yeah." I turn the computer off. "Just make the popcorn. And I’ll be down."
I hear his bare feet pad into the room. "You okay Matt?" He rests his hands on my shoulders.
"Yeah. Why?"
"You seem so stressed out lately."
Only because I’ve been trying to protect you, I think. I want to blab it all out; going to the house, the meting with grandfather, kissing Shane. But something keeps me from doing so. Damned if I know what it is.
From the reflection in the screen I see him crouch down behind me so his head rests on my shoulder. "You’re thinking about what grandpa said too huh?"
I’m thinking of a lot of things, I want to say. "Yeah."
"Well it would explain a lot of things."
"God I wish we had the proof. We could bust him big time."
"Then what about us? To nail him, we’d have to let out who we are."
"Not really. I could keep you out of this. You don’t have to admit to being his, God knows I don’t."
"But remembered what we promised the twins? We nail him, we nail him together."
"That was before the WWF."
"Doesn’t matter." He says. "We take him down, we do it together. For us and for the shadows."
I smile at his use of the twins’ nickname, but he was right. If we were going to do this we’re going to do it together.
18
The next morning I walk downstairs and hear Adam on the phone with someone. Quietly, I walk over to the doorway and try to figure out whom he’s talking to.
"I don’t know Collette, I’m worried about him. I mean I thought I’d take going to Greenwich bad, but it’s like it’s affected him more." A pause. "No he just writes in that damned journal of his every chance he gets. I know our lives are interesting, but to spend every free second writing in it is a little excessive." Another pause. "I know but Collette, you don’t see him when he’s writing in it. He seems so damned sad it breaks my heart. I don’t know, I just feel guilty about the whole thing. He seems like he has to be the strong one you know? Even in the attic, he was the one who tried to keep things from getting too crazy." A pause. " I know and I’m grateful for him being there for me, but it would be nice if he could come to me the way I go to him. You know? I mean this relationship seems so one-sided that it’s starting to bother me."
At this point I leave and head for the living room. Great, I think sitting on the sofa. Now am I not only keeping secrets from him, but making Adam feel guilty about things in the process. Can’t win either way.
I pick up the remote and flip channels until I find a channel running a "Jerry Springer" show. Normally I don’t watch this sort of thing the way the other guys in the Fed do, but I figure it’s mindless entertainment and mindlessness is what I need right now.
"Morning." I hear him as he enters the room. He sits down next to me tucking his feet under him.
"Morning."
"Collette called. Her and Mick finally made it back to Florida last night."
"Last night? Didn’t they leave the same time we did?"
"Yeah, but Mick suddenly got it in his head to go visit his folks in Long Island, so that’s where they’ve been. She sends her love and wants you to call her when you get a chance."
I nodded, knowing what she’d want to talk about.
"You hungry?"
"No." I reply.
"You sick?" he feels my forehead, careful of the bump that’s still there.
"No. Just still full from grandma’s dinner last night."
"Oh," he groaned. "I swear one more slice of roast beef and I would’ve exploded."
"I think I reached my limit after dessert."
"I don’t know why they think we’re too skinny."
"I know we won’t be after that."
Silence.
"So," Adam asks me in a fake cockney accent. "What’s on the menu for today?"
I sigh. "Probably finish my laundry. Make dinner and write in the journal some more."
"What is it with you and that journal?"
"I’ve just got a lot on my mind and it helps me get it out."
"What about me?" He asks. "Why don’t you let me help you get it out?"
Because you’d hate me if I did, I don’t say.
"You’ve been in this weird mood ever since we left Greenwich. Hell, even when we were in Greenwich you were acting weird. I thought the trip was supposed to upset me."
"It did for a bit."
"Yeah when Stephanie invited us to talk to grandfather. Did something happen while you were out that night?"
I look at him. "Happen?" I say dumbly.
"Did someone try something with you?"
Yeah, Shane McMahon came thisclose to finally getting me in bed with him. "No. Adam, you know if anything had happened, I would’ve told you."
"Would you?"
I said nothing.
"Matt, I know you think you have to be the strong one but you don’t have to be all the time."
"I know."
"You know I love you."
"That’s pretty much a given."
"Then let me be there for you once in a while. I mean I might be a basket case but I’m not so damn fragile that I can’t cope when you want to talk to me."
"First of all, you are not a basket case and second, you’ve got so much on your plate that I don’t want to upset you."
"What the hell have I got on my plate that you’re so worried about?"
"The reason for your night terrors. Why you freeze up every time I touch you."
"I do not."
"Only during sex. Every time I try to get intimate with you, you pull away."
"I told you why."
"Because my pleasure is all that matters."
"Exactly." He says.
"Well gee Adam, thanks for making me feel like a whore." I say without thinking.
"Where the hell did that come from?"
"Don’t you get it? As long as you’re the one in control, as long as you’re the one initiating it, you have no problem with sex. I try to do the same thing, and you pull away, making me think all you want is to get your rocks off."
"If I recall, you’ve gotten off a couple of rocks as well."
"When? It seems you’re the one doing the penetrating and whatnot. God forbid if I try to give you a blowjob or even touch you in a sexual manner."
"Matt..."
"And this isn’t something recent either. This has been going on for years. Ever since we left the attic, you’ve done this."
"Why can’t you let it drop? Why can’t you just accept that all I care about is you?"
"If you cared, you’d tell me why my touching you scares you so much."
Once again, the myriad of emotions flood his green eyes. I can see he wants to tell me, but something’s holding him back as well. "I can’t."
"Why not? Does it have something to do with Dad? He can’t hurt you. I’ll make damn sure of that."
"I’m sorry. I can’t."
"Adam. . ." I reach out to touch him, but he gets off the sofa and heads out of the room, leaving me alone and frustrated.
Later in the afternoon, after I’ve gotten the last of the laundry done, I sit in the chair in the bedroom while Adam is in the office surfing the web, for what I don’t know and am not caring much about at this present time.
Looking at the journal, I see I’m going to have to get a new one tomorrow so with this entry, I write about the second birthday bombshell Dad drops on us.
May rolled around and it was my eleventh birthday.
Since being on the road, Dad’s been by only to see us a total of ten times and there had been a few run-ins with grandfather, but nothing as bad as the day with the photo. Mostly yelling and intimidation directed at Adam and me.
Then there was still the issue of Gerald.
We replaced the mirror with another one and from time to time he still looked at Jeff, though I supposed grandfather had warned him about my watching him in the reflection because that salacious look he had was completely muted.
The morning of my birthday, I was laying in bed with a bit of a cold. I could hear the twins and Adam wandering around the attic and guessed they were upstairs looking for something to give me. Right then the best thing they could’ve given me was something to make my head clear up. We weren’t given any sort of medicine other than what was in the first aid kit in the bathroom and even then we had to ration in case of headaches and whatnot.
Hearing the tumblers turn, I held my breath, expecting grandfather to come in and yell at me about just laying around, and relaxed a little when I saw Dad walk into the room. "Hey Matt," he greeted, setting the cake down on the table. "How’s the birthday boy?"
"Sick." I turned my head away from him.
"What’s wrong?"
"Cold." I jumped when I felt his hand touch my forehead.
"You are pretty warm. I’ll have your grandfather bring you some medicine."
I almost said ‘don’t bother’ when the sound of feet coming down the stairs filled the room. The three blondes, as I called them, were laughing about something when they saw Dad there. Man did that laughter die quick.
"Dad." Adam said. "We weren’t expecting you."
"I’ve always been here for your guys’ birthdays." He shrugs off his coat. "How’re you guys doing?" He asks the twins.
"Fine." Christian says. He has become a little more talkative since Dad’s been on the road, but whenever Dad visited us, he would become that quiet little boy again.
Jeff for his part still wouldn’t talk to him. Something Dad’s gotten used to by now.
"You guys up for some cake?"
"Sure." Adam said, looking at me. "Matt?"
I sighed, getting out of bed. My stomach was in knots. Not because of any illness, but because I knew something was going to happen as it always does at our get togethers.
I’m so glad Dad doesn’t disappoint.
Adam was setting the dishes out when Dad spoke up. "I’ve got some good news."
"We’re getting out of here?" Adam asked.
"No. I’m getting married."
The four of us looked at each other. "Please tell me you’re kidding?" Adam says.
"No. Stephanie and I are getting married next month."
"Stephanie?"
"McMahon. She was the girl you saw me with at Christmas time there."
"Dad, isn’t it a little soon? I mean Mom hasn’t been gone a year yet."
"I know, but I know your mother wouldn’t want me to grieve forever."
"Well I’m sure she’d like you to grieve for more than five minutes." I say.
"I know it’s a shock, but think of it this way. I marry Stephanie, then I can prove to the court that I can provide a stable home life for you guys and your Mom’s parents will leave us alone."
"Does that mean we can get out of here?"
"Eventually."
"How long is eventually?"
Oh Dad’s looking nervous now. "I haven’t told Stephanie about you guys yet."
I don’t know if it was the cold or my frustration, but I said, "First you stick us in this attic, because you didn’t want grandmother to know about us until you win her over. Now you’re telling us that we still have to stay here because you’re too chickenshit to tell your future wife you had kids from your first marriage."
"Watch your language Matthew."
"He was." Adam says. "That was mild compared to what I’m thinking."
"Please can we get through one birthday without an argument?"
"Well I don’t see how, seeing that’s the time you like to drop these bombs of yours. First you announce you’re going on the road on the twins’ birthday, then on Matt’s you announce you’re getting married again. Boy I can’t wait to see what you have in store for mine."
"That’s probably when he announces that she’s pregnant." I mutter under my breath.
"You know I don’t have to come in here and take this."
"Then why do you even come at all?" Christian’s question startled all of us, his eyes cold as he glared at Dad. "You’ve made it clear that you don’t give a damn about us and our feelings. So why don’t you just leave? You’re going to anyway. Why drag it out?"
Boy if you could have seen the look on Dad’s face, you think Chris took a knife, carved his heart out and stepped on it. That is if Dad had a heart.
"I don’t know why I bother."
"Neither do we." Christian replied.
Dad said nothing as he grabbed his coat and left. He paused and looked back at us. "You know this hasn’t been easy on me either. Do you think I like locking this door behind me when I leave? Do you think I enjoy knowing you guys have to stay here? You make this sound like it was my idea, well it wasn’t. It was your grandfather’s to lock you guys up here."
"You’ve gone along with it so far." Adam said.
"You know why." He sighed. "The reception’s going to be out in the back. You guys can watch it from the windows. I’ll see if I can’t get your grandfather to have Gerald bring up a plate of stuff from there for you."
Again he leaves us in his aftermath.
"Anyone up for cake?" Adam asks. I shake my head deciding to head back to bed. The twins decline as well, opting to head back to the attic to do whatever they were doing. Adam sets the plates back where we keep them before coming over to my bed. "The twins’ll bring your presents down later," he tells me, kissing me on the temple before heading back to the attic. I just lay there feeling numb.
Happy fucking birthday to me.
The reception was a grand affair as Adam, Jeff and I watched out the window. Christian was in our little reading area reading "Tale of Two Cities", totally boycotting the reception. It was then Jeff said. "Maybe he’ll let us out now?"
But we knew he wouldn’t.
Not for a long time.
19
Later that afternoon, I was outside raking leaves and trying to bag them.
The operative word here was ‘trying’, because every time I’d gotten them ready to bag, Adam, in a rare good mood, would either jump in them or scoop them up and throw them at me, making me throw them back at him in a leaf fight.
I thought we’d heard a car pull up but we were so wrapped up with who could cover the other with the most leaves, we didn’t pay no mind until we heard a voice say. "Looks like fun, can anyone join in?"
Adam and I spun around and saw Shane standing by the car. I look at Adam and I swear he’s about to spear him right through the car. "What are you doing here?" I ask irritably as I brush myself off.
"We’ve got a show in Raleigh tonight and I thought I come down and see how things are going."
"Things were fine until you showed up." Adam pulls some leaves out of his hair. "You know this is getting to be a little sickening McMahon. What the hell is it going to take for you to leave us alone – correction, to leave Matt alone?"
"I didn’t come here to cause any trouble."
"Well then you shouldn’t have come at all."
"I just came to see how he was."
"Oh really?" Adam walked over until they were eyeball to eyeball. "Matt is my husband. He is my concern, not yours."
"Well as talent director of the WWF, it’s my job to make sure that the wrestlers aren’t having personal problems that could affect their in ring performance and from the footage I’ve seen of the two of you, especially Matt, I think there’s cause for concern."
"Bullshit. JR is the one who looks out for us, not you. You McMahons are too busy running your little empire to bother with us common wrestlers unless it’s to harass them into bed with you."
"Adam," I speak up but the look on his face shuts me up.
He looks back at Shane. "So why don’t you get back into your fancy car and get back to Raleigh before I spear your ass there."
"Have you started therapy yet Adam?"
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"
"Because I also bring a message from Vince. He wants to know the name of your therapist so he can be sure you’re attending your sessions."
"In other words you want to know so you dig up dirt on me right? Use my past against me so you can have Matt?"
"That’s not the reason. Even if it were, the therapist couldn’t tell us anything. Dad’s serious Adam. If you don’t start seeking counseling for whatever you’ve got burrowed in the back of your brain, then Dad will suspend you until you do."
Seeing the anger on Adam’s face, I intervene just as he cocks his arm back to slug Shane. "Adam no!" I grab his arm. He looks at me with confusion.
"Adam just go inside okay? I’ll get rid of Shane."
He looks from me to Shane and back at me before stalking toward the house, slamming the door behind him.
"Thanks." Shane says.
I glare at him. "Don’t thank me. I only did it so you wouldn’t go running to Vince over how violent Adam is."
"Has he ever been with you?"
"I don’t see what business it is of yours."
"It is my business because of the way you’ve been acting lately and I wasn’t joking when I said I’ve noticed your guys’ in ring performances suffering. Especially yours Matt."
I didn’t feel like arguing, just wishing he would leave.
"Has he?"
"Has he what?"
"Been violent with you? Has he ever hit you? Outside the ring?"
Oh Jesus. "No. He might’ve hit me once or twice during a night terror but that’s it and if you go spreading rumors like that about him, I will personally eviscerate you at the next pay-per-view."
"What do you see in him? What is this pull he has with you?"
"I think you should just leave." I turn to go.
"Matt . . ."
I pause, but don’t look back. "What?"
"I know you love him, but don’t let him drag you down with him. Cut him loose before he destroys you."
"Cutting him loose would destroy me, don’t you get it?" I walk away toward the house.
Walking in, I hear the car pull away. Sighing I walk to the living room where Adam is sitting, his expression dark. "I guess the leaves can wait until tomorrow-"
"Are you fucking him?"
Adam’s question makes my blood run cold. "What?"
He looks at me. "Are you fucking him? Yes or no?"
"No! Adam-"
"Then what the hell has gotten into you lately? First you say you hate the guy-"
"I do."
"-and now when I was going to give the little punk the ass beating he deserved, you stop me."
"Only because if you had hit him, he’d go running to Vince telling him to suspend you."
"I don’t care." He stands, walks to me and kisses me hard. There’s no passion to it, just jealous possessiveness. He pulls back but keeps my head in his hands. "You are mine. You have been since the day you were born and you will be until the day we die and I’ll be damned if anyone, especially Shane McMahon, takes you from me." He lets go of my face and leaves the room. I stand there and in the first time in my life, I’m actually afraid of him.
Later that evening, I’m alone in the bedroom with the journal on my lap and Pearl Jam playing on the little shelf top stereo. Adam is downstairs watching television.
There’s so much I want to write, but knowing I still have a few scant pages left, I decide to fast forward things a bit to where things went from bad to worse. When Adam and I fell in love with each other.
Another year had come and gone. Adam was now fourteen, the twins nine and I was twelve. It was our second year in the attic and it was when things had begun to change. Dad’s visits became rarer and rarer, sometimes only coming after months had gone by, but we were learning not to care as long as we had just the four of us, that’s all that mattered.
It seemed the twins did a total about face with Jeff becoming the quiet one and Christian talking a lot more. It almost seemed comical the way he and Adam would bicker back and forth about the stupidest things. Jeff was still a daredevil though, this time taking to climbing the swing to get to the rafters and walking the rafters until either Adam or I would order him down, which he would by sitting on the beam, swing his body off, and drop on his feet, still as graceful as any gymnast.
Grandfather was still as mean as ever, one time going after Jeff because the bed wasn’t made to his liking. That got Jeff five lashes from that old man’s belt and me a black eye trying to defend him. Christian wasn’t spared either, getting his teeth knocked out for standing up to the old man when he was trying to protect Adam from a beating over something so stupid I can’t remember what the hell he’d done to set the old man off. And Gerald . . . I still feel my skin crawl every time he walked into the room, something Jeff was starting to feel after he’d caught Gerald watching him change one day.
He’d gone down to the bathroom after spilling some paint on his shirt. I would’ve gone with him, but like the little housewife Adam teases me of being, I was wiping up the paint Jeff had knocked over by accident. It was there while taking off his shirt that he saw Gerald in the mirror as he brought in our lunch trays. After a while grandfather relaxed the rule about us being present and accounted for lunch and dinner, sometimes coming downstairs from the attic we’d see the trays on the table.
Anyways, Jeff had just gotten his shirt off when he saw Gerald looking at him in the mirror reflection and – Jeff swears this is the truth and I believe him, always have and always will – Gerald not only raked his eyes over Jeff but also licked his lips as well before leaving. After that, Jeff didn’t want to leave the attic unless he either had Adam and me with him or he was certain Gerald wasn’t there. We never let Chris alone down there either in case Gerald decided to turn his attentions to him as well. He chafed a bit about it until Jeff told him what had happened and as always it took his twin to convince him.
Right, the night Adam and I fell in love.
It was either July or August, I’m not sure when exactly. I do remember Connecticut having a heat wave of some sort making the attic intolerable during the day. We always wore our shirts when we were in the bedroom but up in the attic, we took our shirts off and I think it was then I noticed how attractive Adam was though I’d never admitted it no matter how much our grandfather would try to beat it out of me. His hair was a darker blonde than our Dad’s and it was getting long as was mine and the twins. We’d try to keep ours trimmed but you could never get the twins to sit still long enough to trim and after a while we just stopped trying, only cutting it when we knew Dad was coming, the announcements coming through our grandfather.
I was sitting in the reading area trying to concentrate on the book I’d found, some dusty old tome we’d found in another box, but my eyes kept going to Adam who was trying to coax both twins down off the rafters, Christian joining his twin once Jeff showed him how to climb up and down. He had his shirt off and I could see the sweat beads running down his lean chest and down until they disappeared beneath his waistband where . . .
I forced myself to look back at the book I had on my lap, hopefully hiding the erection, one of many I was getting even just by breathing.
"Matt!"
I looked up to see Adam looking at me in frustration. "What?"
"Will you please tell them to get down from there?"
I looked above me. "Where are they?"
"Heading in your direction." He pointed to the beam.
I looked and sure enough there they were walking that beam like a high wire. "Jeffery Nero and Christian Cage Helmsley! Get off that beam now!"
"Aww Mom!" They cracked, before laughing. That was how it was with us now. Adam was ‘Dad’, I was ‘Mom’ and those two were trouble.
"I mean it you two. Get off there now!"
They knew by the tone of my voice that I meant it and after some delicate maneuvering which almost gave Adam and I a heart attack when Christian wobbled, they made their way back to where the swing was. Chris used the swing and Jeff climbed down the way he always did.
After ordering them to get showered before dinner, Adam made his way to where I was and sat in the other musty chair across from me. His head was tilted back and I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed and I don’t know if the thought came from one of the books Dad had brought us before disappearing on us, but I had this mental image walking over and placing my lips on it and wondering how it would taste . . .
"You okay?"
Adam’s question shredded that fantasy as I looked at him. "Yeah, why?"
"You looked a little feverish there for a second."
"Just a part in the book. Who knew these old writers could be so racy?"
"Yeah, I know. I caught the twins with a copy of "Lady Chatterley’s Lover." Hell even I’m not old enough to read that." He laughs.
"I don’t know. You read those books Dad would bring by?"
"Some of them. I’m not into science fiction though. The Stephen King ones are good."
"I don’t know why you read him. We already are living in a nightmare."
"Yeah. But at least with him, you know things are going to work out in the end. Here it’s like we’re in limbo." He looks at me and for a second I think I see something in his eyes and wonder what it is.
"Matt! Adam! Dinner’s here!" Christian’s voice floats up.
We grab our shirts, which lay on the coffee table between us, at the same time and when our hands touch I feel my blood grow warmer than it already is. I pulled my hand away first and walk ahead of Adam to head for the bedroom where I notice Jeff looking tense, the way he did when Gerald would come in the room. Giving him a hug and reassuring him, we walked to the table when we remove the tray lids, we notice there’s a little red capsule sitting there along with our usual dinner of meatloaf, mashed potatoes and vegetables along with a glass of milk.
"What the-?"
It’s then Adam sees the note on the tray. Unfolding it he skims it before handing it to me.
Guys, it says and I know it’s from our father. I’ve noticed you looking a little run down these days so I told your grandfather to include some vitamins with your meals. I’ll be seeing you soon. Love Dad.
A little run down? Sure we looked a little pale and thin, but isn’t that what being locked away and living on nerves does to a person?
"Well?" Adam asks me.
"I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try it. If we react badly to it then we won’t take anymore."
Adam shrugged, before taking his first. I followed suit and then the twins.
Oh only if we’d known what we’d started that day.
It was after ten that night when Adam and I snuck up to the attic. Somehow he managed to open a couple of windows and there seemed to be a pretty decent breeze coming in. We also opened the one in the bedroom an inch allowing the twins some cool air.
We stretched out on the sleeping bag we used to keep from getting splinters in our backs and looked out at the moon. I know I’d brought up earlier how we kissed, but this is what led up to it.
"Think Dad actually will stop by one of these days?"
"I doubt it." I say.
"So do I." He says.
We were quiet for a few seconds.
"We’ve got to get out of here." Adam says. "Two years is too long to be kept like this."
"I know."
"I mean how long is it going to take for him to be a man and tell what’s her name about us? And what about grandmother, certainly she’s forgiven him by now?"
I’m silent as he speaks.
"And what about the twins? They have to go to school; they need to be around people. I mean yeah Chris is talking a bit more now, but that’s only when it’s just us. When there’s someone else around, he’s a clam. So’s Jeff. He’s getting to be nervous of his own shadow."
"You are talking about our Jeff? The same one that walks roof beams? The one that swings upside down? ‘That’ Jeff is scared of his shadow?"
"Maybe I see things differently. Then again, when you’ve got a perv like Gerald lusting after you, I’d be skittish too."
"I don’t know why Dad won’t do anything about it."
"Because he doesn’t care Matt." Adam looks at me. "I’m beginning to doubt if he ever did."
Silently I agree.
"That’s okay. We don’t need him." Adam says
"So if we do get out of here. What will we do?"
"Maybe look up grandma and grandpa Laurer."
"And have them split us up?"
"I don’t see how they can now. There’s no money attached to us."
"Still. I don’t think that’d be a good idea." I say
"Okay Einstein, then what do you suggest we do?"
"I don’t know."
"See that’s why I’m the brains of the operation here. I try to think of things like that."
I get up on my elbows. "Excuse me? You did say brains right?"
"Yeah."
"Well I think you’ve got the wrong body part. I personally think you’re the ass of this operation."
"Oh really?" He’s on his left elbow looking at me as I lay back down.
"Yeah. Usually that’s where your brains are."
"Getting mouthy in your young age aren’t you?"
"I’ve had a great role model."
"Well thank you."
"I meant Mom."
He gives me a devilish grin before pouncing on me. "What’re you doing?" I try to wriggle free but he has my wrists over my head. "Get off!"
"Not until you take back what you said and admit that I am the brains."
"I’ll admit you’re a brat."
"Admit it."
"You’re a brat!" I say still struggling. God why did he have to be bigger than me?
"Not that. Admit I’m the better of the two of us."
"And how long have you been visiting this island of delusion you made for yourself?"
"Say it." He laughs.
"No!"
He brought his face closer. I could feel his breath on my face and felt something stirring even lower. We were like that for a while, just staring at each other, trying to read the expression the other was showing. I don’t know what mine showed, but Adam’s was a confusion. Like he wanted to do something but was afraid to. I felt my breath catch in my throat, not knowing what he was going to do.
Our breathing was heavy and labored and now I wonder if it had been because of the roughhousing or something more. Surely Adam couldn’t have noticed how I felt and felt the same way about me? Could he?
I got my answer a second later as I felt his fingers slide down my arms, brushing the sensitive underside, before taking my head in his hands and press his lips on mine, the shock it sent through me intense, made even more so when I felt him harden against me. I felt the tip of his tongue nudge my lips apart and then felt it slide into my mouth. As I said, he’d bragged about French kissing a girl in his class, but until now, I never believed it.
I wrapped my freed arms around him and pressed him to me, wanting to melt into him as I ran my hands down his sweat sticky back. We were like that for a long time until he came up for air. Then the expression changed as he realized what he’d done and whom he’d done it to.
"Oh my God," he whispered, mortified. "Oh God Matt I’m so sorry." He got off me and left me there, my young body aching for him.
The morning after came and though we tried to not let on to the twins that something had happened, it was awkward between us. We gave each other a wide berth and avoided physical contact with each other as much as possible, but there were times we’d catch a glance of each other and I saw the pain, guilt and longing in his eyes.
I don’t know, maybe grandfather had been right in my nightmare.
Maybe I am to blame for the way Adam acts.
A week had gone by before we were alone again in the attic. Dad had come by, bringing the essentials like clean shirts and things like that, the presents of long ago gone. He’d given us an ‘update’ on things before leaving.
It was around midnight when I saw Adam wasn’t in his and Christian’s bed. I slid out of mine and Jeff’s and headed for the attic. Walking toward him as he sat on the sleeping bag, I see he’d been crying about something though I didn’t know what.
"Adam?" I whisper.
Startled, he sat up and wiped his eyes. "What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice harsh.
"I didn’t see you downstairs. Are you all right?" I sit near him.
"I’m fine. Go back downstairs."
"Adam . . ." I reach out to touch him but he’s on his feet and away from me.
"Don’t." he whispers walking to the window.
"Don’t what? What’s wrong?"
"You know what’s wrong." He looks out it.
"Adam I don’t, honest to God I don’t."
"Us." He turns to face me. "You, me. It’s not natural. We shouldn’t be feeling like this toward each other."
"Adam it was just a kiss."
"It’s more than that. Or at least it had been for me."
"What?"
He looked at me. "Do you have any idea how long I’ve felt like this towards you? I watch you sleeping with Jeff and I wonder why not with me? I watch you get dressed after you’ve had a shower and I want to . . . oh God!" he shouted. "I’m no fucking better than Gerald!"
"Adam, keep it down." I look at the doorway. "You might wake the twins."
"Look at you. You are just so fucking beautiful. You know what I would give if I could just kiss you again, but I’m afraid it won’t stop there. I’m afraid I’ll want more and that you’ll be too afraid of me and that I’ll try to force it on you and-"
I get off the sleeping bag and go to him, grabbing his head in my hands, holding it firm even though he’s trying to pry it from my grip. "Dammit Adam look at me!"
He does and it takes everything in me to not want to kiss him again. "Listen, you’ve got to stop torturing yourself like this. This is not your fault. It’s Dad’s. He’s locked us up here and of course we’re going to turn to each other because we’re all we’ve got."
He settles down a bit before I continue. "I could’ve stopped you the other night but I didn’t because I wanted the same thing. I wanted you to kiss me."
"Nooo…" Adam moans.
"Yes, I did. I still want you to, but if it’s going to do this to you then I’ll go back down and I’ll leave you alone. The way we have left each other alone this past week. I’ll put it out of my mind and you try to do the same."
"I can’t get it out of my mind. I’d still see you and I’d still want you."
I bite on my bottom lip, which gets another desolate moan from Adam. "God don’t do that Matt. Don’t make me want you even more."
"Shhh…" I soothe, smoothing his hair back, the few strands that my fingers catch are like silk.
He looked at me and I saw that look. The look he had before he kissed me and I felt my blood go hot. Amazing what you feel when you’re twelve isn’t it?
"I’ll give you one last warning Matthew. You either turn around and head downstairs or I swear I won’t be able to stop myself."
I back away but I don’t leave him.
He must’ve seen the acquiescence in my eyes because the next thing I knew we were on the floor kissing the oxygen out of each other.
"Naked . . ." I hear him rasp in my ear. "I need to see you naked."
I comply without thinking, removing my t-shirt and my shorts. He follows suit and we lay there just staring at each other, our hands burning to touch flesh we’d been forbidden to touch until then. He made the first move, touching my chest and sliding his hand down until it reached my stomach.
"Beautiful," he whispers, moving closer. "So beautiful."
His lips are on mine again and the contact of our naked bodies is making my head spin. "Adam?" I ask while his lips are on my throat.
"What?"
"What do we do now?"
He looks at me. "What do you mean?"
"Well in the books this is usually when the hero and heroine . . . you know? How do we . . . you know?"
He thinks for a minute. "Well there was this one book, but I don’t know he made it sound so painful and I don’t want to hurt you."
"So what do we do?"
He thinks for a second. "Improvise."
I look at him in confusion until he lays me on my back and then lays on top of me, our erections touching and he begins moving his hips back and forth rubbing himself against mine and I tell you there was no sweeter feeling than that. I looked up at the rafters wondering how something, usually thought of as so dirty could feel so right . . .
"Matt?"
Adam’s voice distracts me and I look up to see him in the doorway looking at me. "You want some dinner?"
"Sure. Whatever you make is fine."
He only nods before leaving, making me long for the closeness we had that night in the attic.
Now the aftermath.
We’d come downstairs that night to find the twins were sharing a bed, which put us in an awkward position.
"It’ll just be for tonight." Adam whispers, holding me to him. "We’ll be up and ready before anyone sees us. Besides, there’s no sense in waking them."
We slide into Adam and Chris’s bed, with Adam spooning me from behind with his arm around my waist. I thought I saw Jeff shake like he was trying not to cry but in my languid state, I paid no real attention to it. All I thought about was Adam’s body behind mine and his breath on my neck.
"I love you Matt." I hear him whisper.
"Love you too." I say before drifting off.
It was two days later when the shit hit the fan in a matter of speaking.
While Adam and the twins were upstairs in the attic, I’d come downstairs to get something when I heard the attic door swing shut and lock behind me. I spun and there was grandfather glaring at me with the fires of hell in his eyes.
"You faggot," he hissed. "I told you, you were to never share a bed with Adam and what do I see one night? The two of you in bed together."
I had to stare wide eyed because I had no idea how he could’ve have seen us unless he came in during the night.
"And not only that, but letting him kiss you that way as well."
I back away slowly but stumble and wind up on Adam’s bed. I don’t think grandfather missed the irony of it, because he hauled off and smacked me across the face hard. "You little faggot! I allow you to live in my home," another smack, this time across the other side of my face. "I feed you, clothe you and this is the way you repay me? By fucking your own brother under my roof!"
By now the slaps became punches. I try to shield myself but whenever I move my hands to deflect the blows he finds another spot to strike, leaving me pretty much immobilized by the time he flips me over onto my stomach. The fear of rape came to mind, especially when he rips my t-shirt off, but when I hear the whoosh of a switch and feel it sting on my skin, I knew it was going to be another whipping but this time he does it with such force I could swear I felt my skin open and the blood just flood down my back.
"I. Will. Not. Allow. That. Behavior. In. This. House!" He says each word in between smacks. I try not to scream but it does no good, as each lash makes me scream so loud I’m surprised no one came to see what was going on.
"Matt!" I hear Adam from the other side of the door trying to kick the damn thing in, but the lock is much stronger than we originally thought.
"You filthy little whore!" Grandfather’s voice seems to have drowned out Adam’s. "You’re just like your mother!"
It’s then he grabs the back of my head and throws me against the same wall he had Christian on our first day here. I try to get up but it’s no good. He grabs me by the throat and starts slamming my head against the wall repeatedly, until I see stars and fade into blackness. This is it, I thought. He’s finally going to kill me . . .
I hear crying when I come to.
For a second I think we’re at my funeral, but when I raise my head, I see I’m still in the bedroom.
Maybe I had died and this is my hell. To be trapped in this room forever.
"Lay down Matt please? Don’t move."
Adam? I wonder I move my head to see him kneeling by the bed his eyes red from the tears he was shedding.
"Where. .?" I whisper. "What. . ?"
"You’re okay. You won’t be able to lay on your back for a while," he said his voice watery. "But you’re okay."
Okay? My head felt like concrete and my back was on fire and he’s telling me I’m okay?
My senses sharpen and I see he doesn’t have his shirt on as well. "Adam . . ?"
"He got me too. Though not as bad as he did you."
"Where are the twins?"
"The attic. They’re terrified. When grandfather grabbed me, they ran. I don’t know where they hid, but they’ll come out when they feel safe."
"My God what did we do..?"
"He said he saw us in bed together. The only way he could’ve was if he’d come in during the night."
"He knows when you’re sleeping, he know when you’re awake and he knows if you’ve slept with your brother for goodness sake." I chuckle at the absurdity of it all.
He smiled at me. "Just lie still and I’ll get you some Tylenol."
I watch him stand and walk to the bathroom, wincing when I see the welts on his back. The same back my fingers itch to touch.
God am I sick or what?
He brought in a glass of water and one of the white tablets. With some difficulty because of the position I was in, I swallowed the pill and some more water before Adam set the glass on the night table.
"Have you guys eaten?"
"No. Gerald hasn’t brought us anything and I get a feeling it’ll be a while before we get anything."
He was right. After that incident, we didn’t have anything to eat for a week, but for some mysterious reason, the little red vitamins kept coming.
"Matt! Dinner’s ready!"
Adam’s voice jolts me back to reality and I realize my handwriting is worse than normal and my hands are shaking as I close the journal. Leaning back I wonder if letting Collette see the journal wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.
20
The phone rang while we were washing dishes.
"I’ll get it." I tell Adam, who has barely spoken two words to me through dinner. I pick up the phone on the fourth ring. "Hello?"
"Well hello stranger." Collette greets in her best ‘Hannibal’ voice.
"Hey Collette." I giggle.
"I called Adam this morning and I thought I’d get a hold of you tonight. So how’s your vacation going?"
"Good."
"Sure?"
"Oh yeah. It’s been going pretty well. Well other than Shane showing up like he did." I explain what happened.
"That’s not good." She says. "Has Adam been losing his temper a lot lately?"
"No." I cover, sitting at the dining room table. The phone is a cordless.
"How has he been?"
"Good. He sleeps through the night and his caffeine intake is way down. Oh did he tell you we met our Mom’s family?"
"I think he might’ve said something about that."
"Yeah they seem to be more decent than how Dad made them sound. We’re going to go back one more time before we go on the road. They’re going to show us some of her childhood photos and stuff."
"So how are you Matt?"
Here it comes. "Fine."
"That’s not what Adam was telling me this morning."
I look in the kitchen to see him wrapping up leftovers. "Well you know how stressed out he’s been lately with Greenwich and all."
"From what Mick told me, he’s not the only one. Matt how could you have gone off to visit your grandfather like that?"
"Well if Mick told you you’d know why I went." I watched Adam focus his attention to putting the dishes away.
"And the house? Matt you promised me you wouldn’t go and if you had to go, why did you go by yourself?"
"I know and I’m sorry, but I had to go there."
She sighs. "Okay fine, I know you can’t talk because Adam is nearby, but we will talk about this even if I have to come out west to see you guys. Mick got the schedule from Vince so we can be anywhere you need us to be with a phone call."
"Collette, don’t you ever get tired of playing Mom?"
"Never. Once you do it, you never get tired of it."
"Even if we’re not your kids?" That got me a look from Adam.
"Especially when they’re not yours and when they’ve been through what you three went through."
I toyed with the saltshaker. I wanted to yell and tell her there had been four of us, but she knew that.
"Matt? You still there?"
"Yeah, my mind wandered for a minute."
"So what’s this journal you’ve been writing in that Adam told me about?"
"It’s nothing. I just thought it’d be fun to record some thoughts on the road and on some of the guys. That way when either of us retire, we can look back on all the fun we had, not to mention some great blackmail material."
She laughed. "Maybe that’s what Mick should do to supplement our income, but seriously Matt, the way Adam talks it sounds like you’re upset by what you’re writing."
"Well Adam’s a little too overprotective."
"Sounds like he’s not the only one."
I was on my last nerve by now. "You want the truth Collette? I overheard the phone call – at least Adam’s half of it – this morning and frankly I’m getting a little tired of everyone now thinking I’m the one that’s going to crack. Adam’s the one everyone’s laying bets on. Not me."
"Matt you know you can talk to me."
"Why? I’m the strong one aren’t I? I’m the one who has to be there whenever Adam has his night terrors and protect him from everything and let’s not forget while Jeff was alive I had to take care of him too."
"Matt. . ."
"I’m sorry Collette but I’ve gotta go. I’ll call before we go on the road, bye." I cut the phone off before setting it on the table.
"How could you?"
I look at Adam. "What?"
"Just diss her like that. And what the hell do you mean by having to ‘protect me from everything’?"
"And where the hell do you get off telling her about the journal? What I write in there is my damned business."
"I only brought it up because every time I’ve seen you write in it, it just seems to upset you and it worries me along with this obsession with having to write in it every free moment you have."
"Well I’m sorry if I can’t be like you and veg out in front of the television or the computer. I’m sorry if I’m doing something for me and not being the little housewife you think I should be."
"I never said you had to be a perfect little housewife. Christ Matt can’t you take a joke?"
"I should. I married you."
The silence in the room was so thick I don’t think a chainsaw could’ve cut through it.
"Well fucking excuse me." He says. "I’m sorry I’m such a fucking burden to you."
I just watched as he walked out of the room and headed upstairs. Feeling claustrophobic, I grabbed the car keys and left, remembering the card tonight in Raleigh.
"Hey Matt, where’s the hubby?" I hear Bradshaw holler after Jim Dotson lets me in through the wrestler’s entrance.
"Home."
"Oh okay." He laughs. "Looking for a boy’s night out huh?"
"You might say so."
I don’t know if he saw how pissed I was, but he backed up and left me alone.
I take a deep breath and let it out, on one hand glad to be around friends, when I say hi to Kidman and Helms, but on the other wishing I hadn’t come here, especially when I see Shane and my Dad walk down the hall where I’m at.
"Hey Hardy." Dad says to me, drinking from the water bottle that’s as familiar to him as a coffee cup is to Adam.
"Hey." I say, not even wanting to look the guy in the face.
Shane looks at me and then excuses himself from Dad, who reminds Shane of a family dinner before leaving. "God he’s annoying," I hear him say.
"Trouble with you and the brother in law?"
"I just don’t care too much for him. Never have. So where’s Adam?"
"Home. We had an argument and I left. Thought I’d come here and be amongst friends. Present company excluded." I try to walk by but Shane deftly blocks my way.
"I’m sorry about this afternoon, coming by the way I did. I probably should’ve just called."
"You shouldn’t be doing either. I tell you to leave me alone and then what do you do? You come to my home and upset my husband. Christ Shane, if there’s ever a case to put a restraining order on someone, you are it."
"I was just worried about you."
"No you’re just obsessed with me."
"That too." He joked though I didn’t find it all that funny. "Matt, like I said back in Greenwich, if you want to talk about things, I’m here."
"Why? So you can use them against Adam?"
"No. So that maybe you can get those dark circles out from under your eyes. For someone who’s supposed to be on vacation, you don’t look too rested."
"Yeah well when your boss’ pain in the ass son calls, then sends an e-mail and then comes to your house to stir up trouble all under the guise of concern, then one doesn’t get a lot of sleep."
"Well you’re not the only one getting much sleep either."
"Why’s that?"
"Because I can’t stop thinking about you. Especially when we kissed."
"Why can’t you just leave me alone?"
"Because I’ve seen too many damn relationships like yours and Adam’s. Sure you give off the impression that everything’s so happy and going so well, but it’s just a damned façade. The reality is either there’s some kind of abuse going on and personally I think Adam’s the type. Same song, new beat."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
He began ticking off with his fingers. "He’s never told you about his past. He has these night terrors of his whenever you two argue about something. And the fact that I noticed those fading bruises on your neck just screams that something’s wrong. He’s controlling you Matt. It may not seem that way, but he is. He’s just come up with some new ways to do it."
My head is pounding so badly, I have to sit down on the floor before I fall on it.
"Matt?" He crouches beside me. "Want me to get Wayne?" Wayne is the Fed’s physician.
"No. It’ll pass." I whisper. I’d have these headaches whenever I would get stressed out about something, another after effect of living in the attic. "Just go away."
"No not when you’re like this."
"Go! Now!" I shout. I watch him back away and say something about getting Wayne.
"Have you been under a lot of stress lately Matt?" Wayne asks me while writing in my chart. He keeps charts on us in case any of us are admitted to the hospital, that way the doctor treating us would have all the information they’d need on us.
"No more than usual." I’m sitting on the trainer’s room table. Shane for his part has left the room.
"Well I am a little worried about your blood pressure. I’ve compared readings and it’s seems to get higher and higher. This keeps up I might have to ask Vince to extend your vacation until you get it under control."
I only nod.
"I can give you something for the headaches, but I’d like to get a paper from your physician before you and Adam come back on the road with us." He scribbles on a pad and hands it to me. "Take it only when needed. Okay?"
I nod again, thanking him for the prescription and head outside where I see Shane and one of the referees, Mike Chioda deep in conversation. Almost like a dog, Shane senses my presence and looks up at me. "Hey Matt." He waves me over.
I walk over, saying hi to Mike. "What now? Haven’t you caused me enough grief?"
"What did Wayne say?"
"That’s between me and Wayne."
"Listen I was talking to Mike here and I was thinking I could take you back home in the limo and Mike could drive your car home."
Here comes that throbbing again. "I can drive myself just fine."
"It’ll be no problem Matt," Mike says. "Shane gave me the directions."
"Good then you can drive me and Shane can follow, that way you don’t get stranded."
Mike looked a little uneasily at Shane, who looked like whatever he’d planned was going to be ruined.
Good.
"Well I’ll go wait by the car." Mike said, scurrying away.
"You don’t like accepting help from anyone do you?" Shane asked.
"When it’s from you, no." I started to walk to the entrance. I reached for the handle but was stopped by Shane. "Now what is it?"
"I’m not the only one worried about you. Half the Fed here thinks you’ve been under a lot of strain lately."
"And I bet the other half are laying bets on when I’m going to crack, right? After all, that’s what they’re doing with Adam."
Shane folds his arms. "You know I don’t get you Hardy. It’s like you don’t let any one get close to you. Either of you. It’s like you guys are in this isolation bubble and God forbid if anyone tried to get close enough. Hell, Raven would tell me about the hard time you gave him while he was with Jeff."
"Because Jeff was still a minor when they started dating. Had he ever heard of statutory rape?"
"Yeah, but at least Jeff was willing to let him into his life. Willing to go out and socialize with other people."
And look where it got him, I thought. "Adam and I socialize."
"When? Oh yeah when you’re back here and on the road you might deign us with your presence, but even then you don’t stay very long then you go to your hotel room and pretty much tomb yourselves in."
"It’s called being tired Shane. Not everyone here is a party animal."
"I know but would it really kill either of you hang around other people?"
I shake my head. "Listen Shane, I’m tired. I have a headache and I want to go home. Now let’s go, I don’t want to keep Mike waiting."
We stepped outside and walked to where I parked my car. Or at least where I thought I’d parked my car. I looked around thinking that maybe I might’ve parked it somewhere else, but I was so certain that I parked it near the entrance.
I looked at Shane. "You bastard," I spat. "Where the hell is my car?"
"Well if Mike follows the directions I gave him, he’s probably half way to your house by now."
I pat my coat and jeans pockets but I don’t feel my keys.
"I asked Wayne to give them to me while you were with him. Told him it wouldn’t be a good idea for you to drive in the state you were in."
"Do you know what Adam’ll say if he sees Mike driving the car?"
"Well if we hurry, we can catch up with Mike and Adam won’t have to know."
I storm off toward the entrance. "Where’re you going?" Shane asks.
"I’m going to see if anyone else will give me a ride, because I am not getting in any limo with you."
"Matt-"
"No! And then while I’m in there, after I call Adam to expect Mike, I’m telling Vince everything and if he won’t buy it, maybe your mother will, because I am fucking sick of this. I’m so fucking sick-"
A white-hot pain blasts me from behind my eyes. I lean against the entrance to make sure I’m still standing. I hear voices and a commotion, but my head is pounding so bad I pay no attention. Eventually I give in and let the blackness take me.
Next time I wake up, someone is shining a light in my eyes. I move my hand to block it allowing my eyes to adjust to the light of the room I’m in. I look around and think I’m back inside the arena but with the medical supplies surrounding me as well as the nurses and the intercom calls, I realize I’m in the hospital.
"Matt?"
I follow the voice and see the doctor looking at me. "Do you know who you are?"
I nod. "Matthew Hardy."
"Do you know where you are?"
"Hospital."
"I meant the city."
"Raleigh. What happened?"
"It looks like you’ve suffered a migraine attack. How long have you been suffering migraines, Matt?"
"I’ve had headaches, but I never thought they were migraines."
"Have you had any nausea, sensitivity to light when you’ve had your headaches?"
"No."
The doctor wrote something in the chart. "Well it might not be a migraine after all, but by the looks of things, including your blood pressure, it’d be best if you had some tests done."
"I have a physician in Cameron."
"Okay. I’ll have a nurse make out the papers for the tests I’d like you to have and you can take them to the doctor when you make your appointment."
"Can I go now?"
"Are you sure that’s a good idea?"
"My partner doesn’t now I’m here in Raleigh and-"
"Isn’t your partner’s name Shane?"
I sigh. "No." He just wishes he were.
"Well Mr. McMahon’s out in the waiting room. I’ll let him know you’re awake."
I look at my watch and see it’s after one in the morning. Man am I going to have some explaining to do to Adam.
After getting discharged, I’m sitting in the back of Shane’s limo, the ache in my head dimming a little thanks to the medication the doctor gave me before I left. I stare out the window as we head back to Cameron. Shane got on the phone to Mike and told him not to head directly to the house but to park a ways down and stay put until we got there.
"How’re you feeling?"
I glance at him. He’s sitting on the other side of the limo going over reports.
"I’d be much better if you’d just left me alone."
"I can’t Matt." He closes the folder he was just looking at. "I’m sorry but I can’t."
"Why not?"
"Because my concern for you is too strong."
"I’m a married man, Shane." I was getting sick of the constant round robin conversations with him.
"I know."
"Is that why? You’re only after me because I’m married?"
"No."
"Then why? Damnit Shane, it’s been like this for three years now. Ever since I came to the Fed, you’ve hounded me, and you’ve hit on me in front of my husband. When are you going to quit? Have you ever thought that you’re the reason I’m under so much strain? It’s not just Adam’s problems, but your hounding me." I try to keep together but it’s a losing battle. "All I’m asking is if you could just leave me alone. Leave me and Adam alone."
I feel the back of his hand try and stroke my cheek, but I turn my head.
"I’ll make you a deal," he says.
I know I’m not going to like this. "What?"
"Just one night. You and me."
I laugh bitterly. "Just when I thought you were a human being, you go and pull this. No Shane, I’m not going to be your whore. Not one night, not any night."
"Did I say you were going to be my whore?"
"You may as well."
"I just want to take you out for a dinner and a movie. Get you away from the stress you’ve been under."
"You are such a liar. You just want a quick fuck and another notch on your bed."
"I don’t want a quick fuck, but I’ll settle for a quick kiss."
I turn to chew him out and the next thing I feel are his lips on mine. As always, his lips seem to be asking mine for permission and for some reason I give it to them. It isn’t long before I feel his hand slide down the front of my shirt, where I grab it.
"Don’t even think about it," I hiss as the limo pulls toward the street where Adam and I live. Mike must’ve seen us coming, because the taillights of my car lit up and it moved toward the driveway. Once the car was safely parked, I got out of the limo, slamming the door behind me, took my keys from Mike and went into the house, where all the lights, except for the living room, are off. Walking in, I thankfully find Adam asleep on the sofa with the television turned to a late basketball game. I turn the voice down, kiss him on the temple and get a blanket to cover him with before going upstairs. I know, as I’m undressing, resisting the urge to step into a hot shower, that I should be downstairs in case he has another night terror, but as far back as I can remember, he’s never had one in the house. It was while we were on the road that it seemed to hit him. Whenever he was around Dad.
I take my shirt and shoes off, keeping my jeans on in case Adam did have a night terror and kept the door open. Leaning back against the headboard, I wonder how the hell shit had gotten so bad between us in such a short amount of time. I’ll take some of the blame what with my keeping secrets from Adam, but I remember we were so happy before Greenwich and after that . . .
Then there was Shane. Christ, why do I keep letting him kiss me like that? No wonder he keeps coming onto me the way he does with the mixed messages I give him.
I look at the nightstand drawer and once again, pull out the journal, in need for some distraction. Wondering if I can write what I’m about to write, never having to deal with it before now; Christian’s death, and our escape, but there was something else that needed to be addressed first, something that had been playing on my mind since Adam’s night terrors began. As I wrote about it, I had no idea how significant this event would have on our life.
It was sometime after the beatings our grandfather had given us. I’m not sure of the timeframe exactly, but I do remember coming downstairs and hearing Adam in the bathroom crying. Not knowing what was wrong, I opened the bathroom door and heard him shout, "Don’t come in!"
I ignored him and walked in and got the shock of my life. He was sitting on the floor of the shower, battered, bruised and bleeding, even worse than he had before. "Oh my God," I whisper, going to him. "Adam, what happened?"
"Nothing. Just another run-in with grandfather." His voice was shaky as was the rest of him.
I reached to touch his face but he smacked my hand away. "No! Don’t touch me!" He shouted. "Just go upstairs with the twins. I don’t want them to see me like this."
"At least let me-"
"Dammit Matt! Just go!"
I did, leaving him there.
He did manage to get himself around and dressed before the twins came down. I had warned them about Adam but even they were shocked by how he looked. He just curled down into bed and stayed there. Not even taking any meals with us that day. Or three days after that.
Grandfather had stopped by for some inane reason and saw Adam asleep. "What’s his problem?"
I wanted to haul off and knock him on his ass. After all he was the one who did it to him, he should know.
It was shortly after that Adam began assuming the dominant position of our relationship. Always initiating sex. Always the one in control. Sometimes more aggressive than he should have been, but I paid it no mind.
I pause here as I write about that day and one thing pops out at me after all this time; for as badly beaten as Adam had been, we surely would’ve heard grandfather going off. Hell for as badly beaten as he was, the room should’ve been in shambles but it wasn’t. It was almost as perfect as it had been.
Troubling thoughts comes to me. When grandfather had asked what Adam’s problem was, he didn’t give off the vibe that he had done something while we weren’t there. Usually when he went after us, he’d make a production out of it; slamming the door and locking it so whoever was in the attic couldn’t come down and interfere, but the door had been open that day. So whatever had happened to Adam had happened outside the room so we couldn’t hear it. The main questions were; what had happened and who had done it and why?
I return to the journal, pushing the thoughts back for the time being.
Another two years had gone by and we were still in the attic. Adam was now sixteen, the twins eleven and I was fourteen. Things had gone by in such a blur that I can’t even recall anything of any significance. Dad didn’t even bother coming to see us now, I do know.
Another thing I knew was that we all seemed to be getting sick all of the sudden.
It seems that either one of us was always sick with something. Either it was a flu bug that we could never shake or a cold that just lingered, but whatever it was, it hit Christian the hardest. He’d been a small baby, coming in a couple pounds lighter than his twin and colds and such seemed to hit him the hardest, even before Mom died, whenever flu season came around we knew Chris would be laid out for days.
At that time, he’d lain in bed for days, not moving other than to run to the bathroom to throw up whatever he had eaten. He was getting so thin it was scaring us.
The rule still was we were never to make eye contact with Gerald, but that day we threw the rule out the window when he came in. "Where’s our father?" I snapped.
He looked at me like I was speaking gibberish, though it never failed how his eyes would go to Jeff, who was now practically terrified of him.
"Damnit Gerald where the hell is our father!" I shouted.
"He’ll be home tonight."
"Then you better tell him to get his ass in here when he gets here! Cause his son needs him."
He leaned forward. "I’ll be sure and give him the message," he said his voice dripping in sarcasm.
Hours had gone by before Dad finally put in an appearance with grandfather behind him. "What’s going on here?"
"What’s going on?" I stood, moving away from Christian. "What’s going on here, is your son is laying here sick while you’re out having the time of your goddamned life. Now either you be a man and do something about it, or I swear to God I will raise such a ruckus that will wake everyone in the house."
Oh the look of hatred he gave me would’ve killed anyone else, but I gave my own right back at him.
"The boy’s right for once Paul." Grandfather spoke, getting as close as we would allow to Chris. "We’d better get him to a hospital."
"Give me a couple of minutes to get the car around. Dad, get Chris and meet me out by the servant’s entrance."
"No!" I shout, blocking grandfather’s way. "Don’t you even dare go near him! After what you’ve done to us all these years? Oh hell no!"
"Fine." Dad said tightly. "I’ll get Chris and you get the car."
After grandfather left, Dad glared at me. "Why the hell do you have to be so damn difficult?"
"And why the hell are we still here? It’s been almost five fucking years Dad. How much longer are we going to live like this?"
"Not for much longer." He said, though I didn’t catch his meaning at first. I watched as he wrapped Christian up in the blanket he was laying in. "It’s going to be okay Chris," I heard him whisper. "You’re going to be just fine."
If we knew how wrong he would be.
We watched helplessly as Dad took him out of the door, closing and locking it behind him.
None of us could sleep that night for different reasons. Worry over Chris, nightmares we all had would keep waking us, needing the others to help calm down, especially Adam and Jeff, who seemed to need the most calming.
By the time morning came, I was so damned drained I didn’t even notice anyone was in the room until I heard Dad’s voice. "Matthew?"
I looked and Adam and Jeff were in tears as was Dad. "What? Where’s Chris?"
"He’s gone." Adam’s voice cracked.
"What do you mean he’s gone? He’s at the hospital right?"
"I think what Adam’s trying to say is that Chris is . . . dead."
You could have splashed cold water on me and shocked me a thousand volts of electricity and you couldn’t have jolted me more that you had when Dad said those words.
"Dead? What happened?"
"We got him to the hospital and while the doctors were looking him over, he had a seizure and his heart gave out." Dad explained.
"His heart? But he was only eleven."
"They found out that he had a heart condition. They tried to stabilize him but they couldn’t."
"A heart condition?" I ask.
"Something’s he’s had since birth by the looks of it."
"From birth?" My anger was simmering. "He’s had a heart condition since birth and you lock him away up here where he couldn’t get any medical treatment for it?"
"Matthew . . . "
"Don’t fucking ‘Matthew’ me!" I screamed. "Because you’re so fucking selfish and chickenshit and wouldn’t tell anyone about us, hiding us up here like some dirty little secret our brother is dead and it’s your fucking fault!"
A hard smack hit me in the face, but this time I hit back hard, connecting my fist with his face. He staggered back and looked at me in shock.
"Get out," I growl. "Get the fucking hell out of here now."
He did, locking the door behind him.
I looked at my brothers. "We’re going to get the hell out of here. One way or the other."
"How Matt?" Adam asked. "We don’t have a key and it locks only from the outside."
"No it doesn’t." Jeff spoke for the first time in God knew how long. He looked at us if scared to say anything.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean we’ll need the key, but we can open it from in here, if we have to.
Adam and I looked at each other. "How do you know this?"
He fell quiet again.
I go to him. "Jeff, how do you know it locks from the inside?"
He shook his head, his blonde hair moving with him.
"Jeff," Adam says. "You won’t get into trouble for telling us."
"Yes I will."
"No you won’t." I touched him and he flinched.
"Yes I will."
"Who says you’d get into trouble?"
He looks at me with those bright emerald eyes. "Gerald. He says if I told anyone that the door unlocks from the inside then he was going to have grandfather hurt you and Adam and it would be my fault."
It slowly dawned on Adam and me that there was more to the story than Jeff was telling.
"Jeff, what else did Gerald tell you?" I venture, not sure I want to hear his answer.
He shook his head before jumping off the bed and walking to the attic.
Adam and I looked at each other. "Are you thinking what I’m thinking?" He asks.
"I’m thinking that someone is a dead man when he shows back up here again."
"But how? When?"
"He’s the only one other than Dad and grandfather who has a key, and we have been spending a lot of time in the attic at night . . ."
"But Chris was here as well . . ."
"Chris has – had always been a deep sleeper." I say, not believing he was gone.
"That filthy son of a bitch." Adam says. He looks at me. "Is this whole family sick or what?"
I didn’t know what to say, but I knew I had to agree with him.
The final straw and our opportunity came later that afternoon.
Adam and I were discussing how to get the key and what we would do once we get out of here while Jeff was downstairs sleeping off another cold. After what we suspected, we never went back to the attic at night, often Adam and I slept in what had been his and Christian’s bed allowing Jeff to have our bed to himself. We never thought Gerald would try anything during the day.
We found out just how wrong we were.
"One of us will have to get some of the stuff around here and see if we can’t pawn it." Adam said. "Nothing too big or too gaudy that it would attract attention to us."
"Yeah but how will we carry it? How many suitcases can we safely get away with?"
"Two. Maybe with the money we get from pawning the stuff, we can buy what we need for a little while."
"And when the money’s gone then what?" I ask.
"We’ll deal with it then and-" he paused. "Did you hear that?"
I was quiet for a minute. "No."
"Sounded like a clicking sound."
"Probably something up here winding down."
"No." Adam said. "It sounds like the lock tumblers."
We stood and inched our way over to where we could see the attic door, which had been open so we could keep an ear out for Jeff.
It was shut.
"Matt! Adam!" Came Jeff’s terrified scream.
We ran from where we’d been sitting and tried to open the door but it was locked.
"Jeff!" Adam shouted, pounding on the door.
"Get off me!" Jeff screamed.
My blood went cold. I backed up a bit and began kicking at the door. Adam followed suit. With the both of us kicking we could hear the door crack as it splintered.
"Matt get him off me!"
Adam and I looked at each other. "On the count of three."
I nodded.
"One, two, three!"
Throwing ourselves against the door, it finally gave way and showed us the horror of Gerald trying to rip Jeff’s clothes off. Adam got up quickly and tackled Gerald, slamming him up against the wall. I was up and had a hysterical Jeff in my arms. Adam pummeled the son of a bitch until Gerald got one shot in, sending him flying across the room.
Gerald took this as a chance to escape but not before looking at Jeff and me. "I’ll have him yet," he hissed.
"You’ll have to kill me first."
"That can be arranged." He said before leaving, shutting the door behind him.
While trying to soothe Jeff, I looked over at Adam who was grinning like a loon. "Are you okay?"
I saw him hold something up and saw it looked like a key.
"We are so out of here."
After the dust had settled and Jeff had calmed down a bit, we sat at the table to discuss strategy. With much protestation from Jeff and me, Adam said we’d have to stay here one more night.
"But why?" I demanded.
"This way we can get some actual cash."
"How?"
"Dad of course."
I laughed. "And pray tell how is Dad going to give us money?"
"He won’t be giving it to us. I’ll be stealing it."
I blinked. "What?"
"He’s on the road again. I saw him out the other window when he left. Couldn’t even stick around after his son dies."
I look at Jeff but he’s quiet.
"Anyways, he’s gone. So I’ll just go to his room and get what I can get."
"What about her?"
"Which one?" Adam asked.
"Stepmother. She could still be here."
"She’s gone too. They travel together."
"I don’t know. It’s too risky."
"And so is staying here much longer." He looked at Jeff, who just stared at the table. "Maybe I’ll get lucky and clean the old man out as well."
"That is suicide."
"I didn’t say I would. I just said if I got lucky. What I need you two to do is start getting everything around, but make sure grandfather doesn’t see anything. Then tomorrow night, we’re out of here."
"What about the alarms or-?"
"I’ll check that out while I’m out. If we have to, we’ll make a rope ladder out of sheets and stuff, but we are getting out of here." He took Jeff’s hand. "I promise."
Jeff glanced up but his eyes were devoid of emotion.
Nighttime came and Adam dressed himself in whatever black clothes he could fit into for his role as a catburgler. The only problem was he didn’t have a mask to hide his face.
"Okay," he says, sitting on the bed where Jeff and I were. "I need you to go get stuff packed. Now if anyone should come in, I’m up in the attic. Got it?"
We nodded.
"Okay. I shouldn’t be gone any longer than a couple of hours, but if I am." He gives me the key. "I want you and Jeff to get the hell out of here any way you can."
"I’ll give you till morning."
"Fine." He gives Jeff a hug and me a kiss on the cheek before whispering, "I love you."
"Be careful." I whisper back before he leaves, the door having been left unlocked since we snatched the key from Gerald.
Jeff and I are up in the attic getting packed. It was getting colder now and I had to pack some winter things. Problem was, everything was so dammed bulky I was afraid we wouldn’t have any room for anything.
"Can we take Chris’s cars with us?" I hear Jeff whisper.
I look over at the trunk he’s sitting on. God he looks so worn out.
"I don’t know if we can take all of them or not, but I think we might fit a case or so of them here."
He slides off the trunk and walks toward the back wall where we’ve made our little ‘apartment’ for the past four and a half years. I wait until he returns carrying two of the small cases Chris got when we first got here. "I picked out his favorites."
Taking them from him, I manage to get them into the suitcase without a problem, setting them in with some of the items we’d pilfered from the trunks.
"Matt?"
"What kid?"
"I’m scared."
I look at him. "Of what?"
"What we’re doing. What are we going to do when we get out of here? Where are we going?"
I sighed. "I don’t know. Adam’s the one in charge."
"He knows where we’re going?"
"Not really, but we have to trust him."
"Gerald won’t come after us will he?"
"No. He’ll never hurt you again." I wanted to ask how long but I didn’t want to push the issue when he was so vulnerable.
"It hurt."
"What did?"
"When he put it in me."
By now my hands were shaking so bad out of fury that I couldn’t think straight. God I didn’t want to ask, but I couldn’t help it. "When would he-?"
"While you and Adam were up here at night. He told me if I didn’t do what he said, he’d hurt Chris too and then he’d have grandfather hurt you and Adam."
Oh Christ.
"Well he won’t be doing that to you any more," I said my voice shaky.
"He said he did it because I was bad."
"You are not bad. Look at me."
He did.
"You are not to blame here. He is."
"Then why did he say that?"
"Because he’s sick. Because he knows he’s sick and he wanted someone to blame for what he was doing so he made you the fall guy. Jeff, none of this, none of it whatsoever is your fault. He’s the adult. He should’ve known better."
"He said I must like it because he saw you and Adam doing it."
My vision turned red. So he was the one who tipped grandfather off. He watched us and then turned around and raped Jeff to get off. For a second I wondered if there was a gun or a knife up here, because I wanted to kill the motherfucker.
I tried to keep calm for Jeff’s sake. "Jeff, he’s lying. Adam and I only came up here when it was too hot to sleep down in the bedroom or when we had to talk about things. Like I said, he’s a sick bastard but after tomorrow night, he will never hurt you again."
"Promise?"
I took him in my arms. "I promise. Now, see if you can find something in the trunk that we can pawn."
Jeff slept in the bed, waking occasionally from his nightmares, while I waited for Adam to come back. It was later than the two hours he’d given himself and I was worried.
It was almost dawn when I heard the door open. I braced myself for whoever it was and let out a sigh of relief when I saw Adam come in. "My God, where have you been all night?"
He walked past me to check on Jeff. "How is he?"
"You don’t want to know."
"What we thought?"
"Worse."
"Shit." He said, running his hand over his hair like Dad. Something I don’t mention. "Well after tonight we won’t have a damn thing to worry about."
"How much did you get?"
"Enough to run a while."
He was acting unusual, like he’d learned something and didn’t want to tell me. "Adam, what is it?"
"We can’t discuss this in front of Jeff."
"I’m not leaving him alone."
He pointed to the stairs, exposed by our breaking the door down. He walked over and sat on the top step while I sat on the lower ones. "What is it?"
"He lied to us."
"Who?"
"Dad." He paused. "I made my way downstairs to one of the parlors to see if I could find something there and to check the alarms, which by the way, I learned the code to."
"Go on."
"Anyways, I hear voices and it’s Gerald and grandfather. I hid in the closet they have there and listened to them. Gerald was going on and on about what we did to him. "You told me I could have the one twin," he says. That was the only way he was keeping his mouth shut about us being up here was if grandfather let him do whatever he wanted to Jeff. Grandfather told him to quit his bitching and that if things go as planned, he could have Jeff whenever he wanted."
"What things?"
"I don’t know. He didn’t get into much detail about it. Grandfather said there’d be nothing our father could do about it because of something in the will. Then Gerald said, "It’s a shame really, the way the old lady kicked the bucket when she did. Nice to know they cleared things up before she croaked." "Yeah," grandfather said. "Those six months she held in there were the happiest in her life."
"Six months . . ." I say before it dawns on me. "She died six months after we came here?"
Adam nodded.
"We’ve been here four, almost five years, and she died six months after we got here?"
"Remember the twins’ eighth birthday?"
I nodded.
"That’s when she died. About two days before. That’s why he decided to go on the road because without grandmother around, he was free to do what he wanted."
The dull throbbing that would become a pattern for me began. "The son of a bitch."
"And it only gets better."
"I can imagine."
"Those vitamins Dad suggested we take?"
"No." I didn’t want to believe it.
"They’re were poisoned. Deliberately, as well as some of our food. Grandfather said something like, "Well we’ll just up the dosage and get rid of the older boys so you could have Jeff."
"He’s been poisoning us too?"
"And guess whose bright idea it was?"
"Grandfather’s?"
Adam shook his head.
Oh God. "Dad’s?"
He nodded.
I don’t know why, but tears fell down my face.
"Grandfather didn’t get into the details, but he said it was Dad’s idea all along. From coming up with a way of giving it to us to how to dosage the poison. It was all him."
"How did you get out of there?"
"Waited until they left, which wasn’t for another hour or two, during which grandfather couldn’t stop bragging how smart Dad was for coming up with things."
"What would they have done to Jeff?"
"Given him to Gerald."
My stomach clenched at the thought of Gerald putting his hands on Jeff.
"Look, it’ll be daylight soon." Adam says. "I’m going to change and you guys’re going to get some sleep. From what I gather grandfather doesn’t go to bed much before midnight. So we’ll leave around then."
"Okay." I stood at the same time as Adam, who bent down and kissed me on the lips.
"Don’t worry Matt." He whispered. "We’ll get out of here."
I just wish I felt as confident as he did.
Midnight came and after waking Jeff and slipping on our coats, the three of us made our way out of the room, two suitcases in hand; I carried one and Adam carried the other, heavier one. Jeff clung to my hand as we slipped out through the double doors at the end of the hall.
All our senses were on alert as we made our way toward the stairwell. Even slightest noises froze us to our spot. We tip toed our way down the stairs. Reaching the bottom, I almost let out a sigh of relief, but held my breath, as I feared something was about to happen.
We made our way to the hallway leading to the kitchen, our nerves jumping. Reaching the door we saw the keypad for the alarm system and the light on the alarm setting. I looked at Adam as he stared at it, moving his fingers as though trying to remember the code. "Okay I’ve got it now," he whispered and began pressing the buttons.
"And where do you think you’re going?"
We whirled around and saw Gerald standing there in the doorway.
Please, please, please, I begged silently for the alarm to take.
"We’re getting the hell out of here." I said.
"Fine you two can go," he looked at Jeff. "But the little angel stays with me."
"Like hell he does." I pushed Jeff behind me.
He chuckled. "Like you’re gonna stop me."
"Or I’m gonna die trying."
"Your choice." He grabs me by the throat and spins me until I’m lying on top of a cutting table. Both his hands were around my throat, squeezing tightly. I fought like hell but his grip was too strong. You have to fight, I think, you have to keep him away from Jeff…
I was about blacked out when I felt him stiffen and fall to the ground. Getting up, I looked and he was on the floor. With a knife in his back.
I looked and Jeff’s eyes were wide in shock. Turns out while Adam was hurrying with the code, Jeff grabbed a knife from the counter and stabbed Gerald right in the back. I don’t think I was ever prouder of him as I was right then.
A small beep and a green light caught my attention.
"Let’s go!" Adam said grabbing both suitcases and I grabbed Jeff. We ran out into the night, not knowing where we were heading and not really caring as long as we were free.
But as time went on though, we’d learned that while we were free of the place physically, we would never be free of it emotionally.
I looked at the clock on the nightstand and saw it was almost six am. It’d be another hour or so before Adam woke up to make breakfast, so I closed the journal, put it away, and decide to try and get a catnap before then.
21
I’m awakened by soft kisses placed at my eyes and lips.
I open one eye and see Adam laying next to me, looking at me. "About time," he whispers. "I’ve been kissing you for about five minutes. I was starting to feel insulted."
"What time is it?"
"Almost eleven."
"Eleven?" I turn my head to look at my clock so fast I get a kink in my neck. "Ow."
His hand reaches out and rubs the spot. "When did you get home last night?"
"I don’t know. After two."
"Adam-"
"Matt-"
We laugh over our talking at the same time. "You first," he says.
"I’m sorry. I was being a real bitch yesterday."
"I’m the one who should apologize. It just bugs me the way Shane keeps coming onto you like that."
"I know."
"We really should go to Vince about this." he says
"Yeah. I should’ve gone to him at the show last night."
"You went to the show?"
"Yeah. It was the only place I could think of going after our fight."
He nods. "You hungry?"
"Yeah." I pull him to me. "For you." We begin to kiss when Adam’s cell phone, the only phone we allow in the bedroom, rings.
I groan as he turns over to answer it. "Hello? Oh hi Stacey."
I roll my eyes. Stacey Keibler was a nice girl, but I knew how she loved to drag out a conversation.
"Yeah he’s fine. Why? He what?" he whipped his head to look at me. "No he didn’t tell me. Yeah I’ll be sure to tell him. Yeah thanks for calling." He’s glaring death at me. "When were planning to tell me you passed out outside the arena last night?"
"It was nothing."
"Nothing?" He sits up and stares at me. "You passing out is nothing? Has this happened before?"
"No. I don’t even know why she had to tell you."
"She had to tell me because one she was worried, and two to let you know that Vince wants to have the results of your tests before he’ll let you back in the ring."
"I’ll make the appointment this afternoon."
He gives me the phone. "Make it now."
Sighing I dial our doctor’s number. "I don’t know why you have to get all drama queen on me," I mutter before the receptionist comes on. After explaining things to her she penciled me in for an appointment at four this afternoon. Hanging up I hand the phone back to Adam who puts it back on his charger. "Happy?" I say.
"I would be if you didn’t pull shit like this."
"Shit like what?"
"Having to hide things from me. Why is it I not only have to hear that you passed out but that you took a ride home from Shane from someone else?"
"That was beyond my control. He was there when I passed out and he was there in the hospital."
"Then he should’ve called me. You should’ve made him call me."
"It was late and I didn’t know if you were sleeping."
"God you’ve got a fucking answer for everything, don’t you?" he asks.
"Besides, I had the car. There was no way you would’ve made it there."
"I could’ve called one of the boys and asked them to bring you home."
"And what about the car?"
"Fuck the car!" He shouts standing up. "Christ Matt, what is going on with you? You bitch and complain about me not letting you touch me but you just totally shut me out!"
"I do not."
"Yes you do! God do I look so fucking fragile that I’ll fall apart if you come to me and tell me when you have a problem?"
"You know what my problem is?" I ask, sitting up.
"How the hell do I know? You don’t tell me anything."
"What’s wrong is I’ve got a drama queen for a fucking husband! You know, sometimes I wonder if these night terrors you have are real or just some goddamned act."
He looked at me as though I’d slapped him. "Does it look like I’m acting?"
"I don’t know, you tell me. The thing is I have been through everything with you and if telling a few white lies and keeping my mouth shut is the only way to keep the fucking peace between us then so be it."
"What white lies?" He asks. "What have you been lying to me about Matt?"
"Nothing."
"Don’t give me that shit Matthew. What the hell have you been keeping from me?"
Here it was, my chance to spill everything. About going to the house, about seeing grandfather, about Shane and I kissing. Everything. But again I say nothing, knowing right now wasn’t the time or the place. God I feel like Dad. A chickenshit coward who can’t tell anyone anything.
"Matt?"
"I haven’t been keeping anything from you. I swear." God it just doesn’t stop, does it? The lying.
Adam for his part just shakes his head and leaves. God I love him so much. So why do I keep hurting him the way I do by shutting him out? I think I’m just trying to protect him, but am I really?
Tonight, I swear. I don’t care how ugly things get, I have to tell him everything.
Everything.
I didn’t get home until almost seven that night, the doctor’s office and the CAT scan room was busier than usual. The doctor told me he’d call with the results before sending them to Vince. He also gave me a prescription for another drug similar to what Wayne had prescribed to me. I filled it, deciding to keep the ones Wayne had prescribed at home and bring these on the road.
I walk into the house where there was no sign of Adam, which was strange, since we usually ate around seven, seven-thirty. I looked in the living room in case he dozed off, then went through and checked out in the backyard to see if he was on the swings, but he wasn’t there.
Finally I walk upstairs and see him in our room sitting on my side of the bed with the journal and the snowflakes on the bed next to him. "Adam?" I ask, not knowing what to say.
"You lying bastard," he hisses at me. "You promised me you wouldn’t go to the house."
"I didn’t," I lie weakly.
He spun to look at me, his face stoic with anger. "Then explain where you got these?" He holds up the snowflakes.
I said nothing.
"See there is only one place you could have gotten these and that was up in the attic, because I remember when we put them away the last Christmas we were there, the last Christmas Chris was alive. And there’s only one way you could’ve gone to the attic and that’s if you’d gone to the house the day of the picnic. The same picnic you promised me you wouldn’t go to."
"Adam . . ."
"And what about this?" he picks up the journal. "I thought you and I made a pact before we came to the Fed. And that was we would leave the past in the past. We wouldn’t talk about it with anyone, we would never bring it up with anyone and we sure as hell wouldn’t write about it."
"That journal is personal."
"Well I’m sorry, but I had to do something, find out why you were so wrapped up in this journal and why you were shutting me out."
"I just couldn’t let the past keep eating at me anymore. If I didn’t get it out . . . I don’t know. This might’ve not been the best way, but it was the only thing I can think of to get it out of my head."
"What else?"
"What else what?"
"What else have you been keeping from me? You yourself said not even twelve hours ago that you would tell any white lies to keep the peace between us. I don’t want any lies between us Matt. So if you have any little bombshells you want to drop, you better tell me now. Or are you going to wait until my birthday the way Dad used to?"
Tell him! My brain is screaming. If not now then when?
I look in his eyes. The dread, the fear in them was so clear that it hurt. "The picnic wasn’t the only time I went to the house," I say, my pulse matching the pounding of my head. "I went back later."
"Later?" He looks at me in realization. "You said you were going out for drinks with Perry and Dean. When did you go back? Why?"
"I didn’t go for drinks." I propped myself against the wall, praying to God that I didn’t pass out before telling him everything. "While I was at the picnic, when I was leaving the attic, I saw grandfather. He recognized me. He had someone leave me a note at the arena, telling me that a driver would come and get me. Said we had things to discuss." Even now I began hearing the serpent like hissings of my grandfather; "it’s your fault they suffered . . . you’re the one who should’ve died . . ."
I shake my head.
"He recognized you?" Adam asked.
"He said that his contacts in the business kept him updated on us. He knew who we both were."
"Oh God," Adam gasped, resting his head in his hand.
"There’s more."
He looked up at me. He looked so hurt and frazzled that I felt guilty about what I was about to say. "What? What more could you possibly have to say?"
"Shane . . ."
Pure hatred came into his eyes now. "If that motherfucker did anything I’ll kill him."
"I came back from the house and he was coming out of the hotel bar with Booker. I got in the elevator and he ran up the stairs to catch up with me and told me if you’d seen me right then I’d have scared the hell out of you, so I went to his room and we, I mean I threw up and then I called Mick and Collette and then I talked to you and . . ." I envisioned it as if right in front of me. I saw myself wrapped in his arms, my lips on his and for a second wished he were here now to help me through this.
"And what Matt?"
"I kissed him." I closed my eyes wishing the floor would open up and swallow me right then and there.
"You kissed him? Willingly?"
I nodded.
"He didn’t force you? You actually went to him and kissed him?"
I nodded again.
"You bitch."
I opened my eyes; his face was livid with anger. "Adam . . ."
"I have been nothing but faithful to you ever since you put this ring on my finger." He stood, holding up his left hand for a second and dropping it. "Do you know how many times I’ve turned Dwayne down because I loved you? Hell, he could’ve had me anytime he wanted, but I said ‘No. I love Matt.’ Now you stand there and you tell me you kissed Shane McMahon? Our father’s brother in law?" He ran his hands over his hair. "Tell me, how good was he? Did he suck your cock or did you do his?"
"We just kissed."
"You are such a fucking liar. You had to have done something to keep him begging for more. How do you explain the fax? His coming by? His being there when you passed out? As a matter of fact was he the real reason you went to Raleigh?"
"We just kissed," I repeated, knowing how lame it sounded.
He let out a primal scream so loud it literally stopped my heart for a second. He then looked at me with a hatred I’d only seen in grandfather’s eyes. Frozen to my spot, I anticipated what he was going to do, but he surprised me when he charged and put his hand through the wall so close to my head that if I had been one inch to the left he would’ve put my head through it.
"Adam stop!" I shouted, afraid more for his injuring himself than him hurting me, because I figured in some warped rationale that I deserved everything he was going to give me.
But by now he was uncontrollable, as though something had finally snapped and taken away the loving husband of that morning and replace him with this . . . monster who was fixing me with such hateful eyes it sent chills through me.
Without saying a word, he grabbed the front of my shirt and threw me on the bed. I turned onto my back but he was on top of me pinning me down the way he had in the attic. "This will be the last fucking time you lie to me again."
"Adam stop!" I struggled, but I felt his free hand rip open the dress shirt I had worn to the doctor’s earlier. "Adam! Adam please don’t!" and I don’t know how the hell it happened but the next words that came out of my mouth were, "Dad, stop it!"
He froze.
I looked at him, as it seemed what I had said brought him out of whatever jealousy driven frenzy he’d been in. He blinked and looked down at me. "Oh God . . . oh God. Oh Matt," he whispered, getting off me. "Oh God no, oh I am so sorry, so sorry." He backed away until he’d hit the wall I had been standing at only seconds ago. "I am so sorry." He slid down, crumpling onto the floor.
I gathered my bearings as I heard him sobbing, saying, "I’m sorry" over and over again until it became like a chant. Sitting up, I removed my torn shirt and tossed it aside.
Minutes that felt like hours passed before Adam calmed down, choking a sob back now and again. I got off the bed to crouch next to him. "Adam? Honey?" God this was hard but I had to know. "What did Dad do to you?"
He shook his head.
"Adam, you said you didn’t want there to be any secrets between us. Now I’ve told you everything. You have to tell me."
He looked at me. Whatever light he’d had in his eyes was gone now. "Remember that day you came down and saw me in the shower? When I told you to go away?"
I nod.
"I came downstairs to shower before lunch like I told you I would." He stared ahead of him, not seeing me at all. "When I got downstairs, Dad was sitting at the table. He was pissed about something. He told me we had things to discuss and he didn’t want to do it there. He didn’t want to upset you or the twins. He grabbed my arm and dragged me to the room we were in that one Christmas. Remember?" he looked at me. "The one with the armoire?"
I nodded.
"He slammed the door shut and slapped me. ‘You fucking pervert. How could you do that to Matthew?’ I didn’t know what he meant and then he told me grandfather and Gerald told him about what we had been doing." He swallowed hard. "He slapped me again. ‘So now what? When you get done molesting Matt, you’re going after the twins?’ I told him no and that it was his fault. If he had let us out the attic then we wouldn’t be doing what we were doing. ‘Oh now it’s my fault?’ he says. ‘After all the shit I’ve had to put up with because of the four of you, it’s my fault you’re a fucking little pervert who get his rocks off fucking his younger brother?’" He looks down at his hands seeming to focus on a hangnail or something so he doesn’t look at me. "I told him I was leaving and then he hit me in the stomach, told me I wasn’t going anywhere until he was through." Adam’s breathing became harder. For a second I thought he was going to hyperventilate. "I didn’t know what he meant by ‘through’. I even asked him, ‘What are you talking about?’ He said I wasn’t leaving until he was done teaching me a lesson. That he was going to give me a taste of what I was doing to you. He began to unbuckle his belt and I thought he was just gong to whip me with it until he told me to get on the bed. I told him no. He took the belt and slapped me across the face with it. ‘Get on the bed, now!’ I paused and that was when I heard someone say, ‘He giving you problems son?’
"I looked and saw grandfather and Gerald in the doorway looking like it was some kind of party or something. Dad said he had it covered, but wouldn’t mind the help in holding me down. I tried to run but they caught me and threw me on the bed. I fought them Matt I swear." He looks at me, the tears forming in his eyes. "I did everything I could to get them to stop but they wouldn’t. I tried to scream hoping that at least you would hear me but after punching me, they stuck something in my mouth. Then they tied my hands to the posts and tore my clothes off and-" he took a couple deep breaths to try and calm down. "They all took their turns. Even Dad. He kept asking how I liked it. I don’t know how long it went on, I just prayed none of you would come down and try to look for me."
He wiped his eyes. "Then when they were done, grandfather got some licks in before dragging me back to the room and said if I said anything about what they did, that you’d be next and I didn’t want them to hurt you or the twins so after he left, I went to take a shower and that’s when you found me." He swallows hard again, the tears just pouring down his face as were mine. "And now to have to see him practically day in and day out and remembering what he did and what I almost did to you . . . I am so sorry Matty, so sorry-"
By now he was sobbing so hard, I thought he might hurt himself. I go over to him my own body shaking with both tears and rage, but not at him. I wrap my arms around him, telling him to cry and get it out.
"Matt?"
"What honey?"
He starts to get up. "I think I’m going to be sick."
I watch as he runs to our bathroom and slam the door shut. Hearing him empty his stomach, I sit there in utter disbelief. I mean my God, my father, as well as our grandfather and whatever the hell Gerald was raped my brother. Our father just stood by and let them do that to him and did it himself. It makes me wonder what kind of sick gene pool Adam and I swam in.
I collected myself as well as I could before reaching for the phone. Dialing a familiar number, I waited three rings before hearing Mick say, "Foley residence."
"Mick," I try to keep my voice level, but not having much luck. "It’s Matt. Can you and Collette come up for a day or so?"
"Matt what is it? What’s wrong?"
"I’ll explain when you get here. Adam – we both need you guys right now."
"I’ll tell Collette and we’ll be there on the next flight out. Just try to stay calm till then."
"I make no guarantees." I joke sadly before we hang up. I sit there listening to Adam alternate between sickness and tears.
The announcers always referred to Kane’s entrance as "hellfire and brimstone". Well when we get back out on the road, daddy dearest is going to find out what real hellfire and brimstone really is and I don’t care if I get arrested, fined or fired in the process.
I made dinner that night which was nothing more than some cup of soup. Adam and I sat at the dining room table, not saying much.
"What did the doctor say?" he asked, his voice flat and raw from the vomiting.
"It’ll be a couple of days before we know anything. Should’ve been there, you’d swear everyone in Cameron were there to have a CAT scan done."
He smiled weakly.
I look out the window watching the branches sway in the moonlight. "I called Mick and Collette. They’ll try to be here tomorrow."
He nods.
"Adam."
He looks at me and it looks like I’ve aged him ten years.
"I’m sorry I lied to you. I don’t know why I went to the house. I thought I could go back there and not be affected by it but I was wrong. Then going back to see grandfather . . . that ranks up there with some of my biggest mistakes."
"It’s okay." He says softly. "It’s done and over with."
"And I promise, first chance I get I’m going to Vince to tell him about Shane."
He only nods. "Can we not think of him right now?"
I agree and we sit there, wondering what tomorrow will bring.
22
I sit outside on one of the swings while Adam is inside talking to Mick and Collette. I offered to stay with him while he explained what Dad had done, but he told me it’d be okay and to wait outside.
They’d arrived here so fast, I thought they’d flown here with wings and not on TWA, having arrived here at the house at six am, not a good time for us usually but Adam and I haven’t slept a wink all night and while he may be used to going two or three days without sleep, I find myself trying to stay awake in the early morning sunshine.
I hear the backdoor bang and look to see Mick walking my way. He sits on the other swing. "How is he?" I ask.
"Pretty wracked up. Collette’s trying to get him to take a sleeping pill, but he won’t."
"She knows he won’t. He hasn’t touched the stuff since Jeff killed himself."
He looks at me. "So how are you holding up?"
"Gee, pretty good considering I’ve lied to Adam and made him tell me his darkest secret."
"You sure? You know I’m not Collette, you don’t have to pull a brave front for me."
"I know."
The sound of leaves rustling and the odd bird filled the silence between Mick and I. "This is all my fault," I say.
"How is it your fault? You didn’t attack Adam, your father did. The sick fuck."
"All of it is." I tried not to let grandfather’s words get to me, but after last night and a lot of dwelling, I just let their poison into my head. "Us being locked away for so long. The beatings, Adam’s rape, Christian’s death, Jeff’s suicide. It’s all my fault."
"How in hell’s name is it your fault?"
"Because I look like her."
"Who?"
"Mom."
"Okay, okay, back up a bit here. Who the hell filled your head with this shit?"
I looked at the ground. "The night I went to see grandfather. He told me it was my fault everything happened. That he hurt my brothers the way he did. How he would’ve let them out if I’d been the one who died and not Chris. How Dad wouldn’t come around because of me. How everything was my fault."
"You don’t believe him do you?"
"I tried not to, but God Mick, you know our history. You know what happened to us. I mean in some way or another I was the reason things happened."
"That’s bullshit. That’s the sick ramblings of an even sicker old man. He knows he could still push your buttons and that’s what he’s done. From what I gather he’s not going to be happy until you’re all dead and gone."
"Two down and two to go."
"Don’t say that." Mick said. "You and Adam have fought too hard to make a life for yourselves, and you shouldn’t let anyone take that from you."
"Oh yeah, and what a fine life we’ve made. I’m married to my brother, we wrestle in the same organization as our father who raped my brother, though to look at him he doesn’t have a care in the world, Adam’s this close to being suspended because of his night terrors, and I’ve got my own personal stalker courtesy of Shane McMahon." I sigh. "Yeah Mick, we’ve really made a life for ourselves."
"He’s still bothering you?"
"With the mixed messages I’ve been sending him, you shouldn’t be surprised."
"What mixed messages?"
I tell him about what went on in the attic, at his hotel room and in the limo.
"Jesus Christ." He says.
"I know. Christ, no wonder he won’t leave me alone."
"He will. When we go back in there, I’ll get on the phone and tell Vince what an asshole his son is."
"Mick, I should be the one to handle it."
"The way things are going for you guys right now, the last thing you need is that little prick trying to break the two of you up. I know you’re nervous about what Vince’ll say but don’t worry. When I get done talking to him, he’ll make sure Shane doesn’t come within fifty miles of you."
"We still have to work together."
"So?" He looks at me. "Matt, I know I’m coming off on a tangent here, but I’m just curious about something."
"What?"
"If I’m over the line here don’t be afraid to tell me, but you wouldn’t have feelings for Shane would you?"
"No," I deny automatically. "After the way he’s been harassing me and Adam? No."
"Okay I’m just wondering." He looks at his watch. "So, how hungry are you?"
"Not very I’m afraid."
"Well I’ll go in and fix something anyways. See how Adam and Collette are doing." I watch him lumber off toward the house, his question still ringing in my ears. The only thing I feel toward Shane is loathing.
So why is it when he kisses me my brain feels like it short circuiting, and the last two times we were together - the hotel room and the limo - I wanted him to keep going?
No, I shake my head, stop thinking like that. You hurt Adam once because of him. You can’t do that again. Ever.
I wander in the house a while later and see Mick and Collette at the table.
"There’s still some breakfast if you want some," she says. "It’s still warm I think."
I wasn’t feeling too hungry but considering all I had for dinner last night was a cup of soup, my stomach began its demand for something a bit more substantial. As I assembled a plate of eggs, toast and ham, I looked at Collette. "How is he?"
"Worn out. He’s asleep."
"You didn’t give him anything?"
"No. He fell asleep on his own. I think the emotional exhaustion finally caught up with him."
I nodded, toying with the scrambled eggs in front of me.
"How are you feeling Matt?"
"Are you asking as a psychiatrist, or as a Mom?"
"How about as a Mom who’s a psychiatrist?"
I sigh, leaning back. "I want to kill him. I don’t know what I’m going to do once we get back on the road, but I know I want to kill him."
They said nothing, just let me rant.
"I mean how the hell could he do that to him?" I tried fighting the tears. "Adam was his son, how could he have not only done that to him, but to let them do it to him as well and just stand by and watch? It makes me wonder what sick gene pool Adam and I have been swimming in."
"Matt, just because he was sick and depraved doesn’t mean either of you two are."
"Oh really? Explain to me then how I wound up marrying my own brother? I mean I know it’s not legal, we don’t have a certificate or anything like that, but you don’t think that’s a little sick?"
"You don’t have a certificate?" Mick popped in.
"We didn’t even have a ceremony. We just went out in the back one night, said a few words and then exchanged rings. We knew if we went for a license, then we had to go for blood tests and we didn’t want to run the risk of being found out as being brothers. So when we went on the road shortly after, some of the guys noticed our rings and we told them we got married and it just grew from there."
"I think we should discuss what’s going to happen when you go back on the road. Are you going to be able to deal being in such close proximity to your father?"
"Sure, as long I get one clear shot at him."
She sighed and I knew she didn’t approve of my answer but she didn’t understand. The bastard raped my brother, does she think I’m going to let him get away with it?
To quote a certain Rattlesnake - Oh hell no!
While Mick and Collette went out to pick up things for dinner, I wandered upstairs. I answered some e-mails and tried to mindlessly surf the web, hitting some fan-fic sites to keep my mind off things, but after a while, I signed off and shut the computer off. I walked to our room to check on Adam. The room was dark because Collette had closed the blinds, but I could see him lying there, still asleep.
I walk over to the bed and sit on the edge careful not to wake him and just watch him. I brush some strands of hair that were touching his lips, but the most I do is watch and feel guilt over my complaining about his not letting me touch him.
Just add that to the long list of guilt that I already have.
I try not to think of it but what he’s told me is just so burned in my mind and in the time they were doing that to him I was upstairs acting like everything was normal, playing with the twins. During the time in the attic we’d developed a sort of sixth sense about each other; we’d know when the twins were sick, sometimes Adam and I knew what the other was thinking without saying a word, but when it should’ve been at its strongest - when Adam had been attacked - it failed me and in turn I failed him.
" . . . Matt?"
I look to see his eyes partially opened looking at me. "Hi." I whisper before kissing him. "How’re you feeling?"
"Drained." He whispers back, turning onto his left side to look at me. "Where are Mick and Collette?"
"They went to get dinner. It think they said something about Long John Silver’s or something like that."
"Ugh, don’t we eat enough of that crap on the road?"
I smiled.
"How are you?" he asked touching my arm.
"I’m okay."
"Are you?"
I wasn’t but I couldn’t tell him. God knows after what he’d been through, having to tell the story not once but twice, and then having to tell it at all, I wasn’t going to burden him with my problems. Then again, that’s what brought it all out to begin with.
"You’re not are you?"
His voice makes me focus on the now. "Sure I am," I assure him squeezing his hand gently.
He sighs the sigh he gives me when he knows he won’t get an answer from me.
"We’re going on the road in a couple of days." He says. "Well when you get your test results back."
"Think you can handle it?" I ask.
"I don’t know. I’d love to get back in the ring, but then there’s seeing Dad and Shane and I don’t know if I can handle it." He looks at me. "What about you? Think you can handle it?"
"If I don’t go off and kill Dad, sure."
"Matt please-"
"How else do you expect me to feel Adam? You want me to just forget what he did to you?"
"I didn’t say that. I’m just saying don’t do anything crazy. I couldn’t take you being sent to prison on my account."
"What’s wrong? Afraid I might find a sexy Latino inmate?"
He laughs. "You always did like that Alvarez on ‘OZ’ didn’t you?"
"And don’t think I haven’t seen your eyes glaze over when you see Brian Kinney on ‘Queer as Folk’?" I tease back. "I swear you’d change your name to Justin if you could have him."
"Okay, okay, guilty as charged." A pause. "But I’m serious Matt. I don’t want you to do anything stupid."
"Killing Dad wouldn’t be stupid. It’d be my biggest achievement."
"Matt . . ."
"Okay I’m sorry. I don’t mean to upset you anymore than I have."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Collette’s going to get me the name of a therapist who deals with incest cases." He says.
"Just keep my name out of it okay?" I crack.
"I’ll try, but if she asks me if I’ve ever felt comfortable or safe with anyone since then, I’m gong to tell her yes. With you."
"Sure it’s a woman?"
"Yeah. She told me her name though I can’t remember it now."
We sat in silence for a while just holding hands. "Adam?"
"Hmm?"
"I’m sorry about the way I’ve acted. Especially about your not wanting me to touch you. If I’d known . . ."
"You didn’t. I was afraid of what you might’ve thought if I had told you."
"Afraid? Why?"
"That you wouldn’t love me anymore. That you would’ve thought I was a sick freak for wanting sex from you and Dad."
"There’s a difference though. Dad-" I found it hard to say the word.
"He raped me. You can say it."
"But with us though." I barreled on, knowing I couldn’t. "I loved you. I wanted you. You didn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want."
"I almost did."
"Last night doesn’t count. We were both emotionally rocked and-"
"There were some times in the attic too. After what happened. When I was too rough with you."
"I could’ve stopped you."
"Could you? If I was as angry as I was inside, I don’t think you’d have been able to and that’s always been my worst fear when it came to you. I was afraid the memories would come back and then I would hurt you in some fashion and I couldn’t live with myself if I did that." His voice cracked a bit. "I’d rather die than do that to you."
"Shhh." I wiped his tears away. "Don’t say that. I’ve already lost two brothers. I can’t take losing another right now."
"As if you don’t have enough to deal with right now."
"Matt! Adam! We’re back!" Mick hollered.
"Okay we’ll be down in a minute!" I returned. "Listen, why don’t you go and splash your face? I don’t want Collette to see you this upset."
"Okay." He sat up.
"How’s your stomach?"
"Empty." He laughed.
"It won’t be when Collette finishes cooking."
"Matt?"
"What babe?"
"Don’t shut me out anymore. I don’t care what it is, just don’t keep things from me. You’ve seen what it’s done to me." He looks over his shoulder at me. "I don’t want you to suffer more than we already have. You’ve always been there for me. Give me a chance to return the favor."
"Okay." I said, watching him get off the bed to head for the bathroom. I sigh. "Sorry honey," I say under my breath. "You’ve got enough to deal with, I’m not burdening you with my guilt."
Have I ever told you what a great cook Collette is?
Dinner that night turned out not to be the take out special Mick threatened to bring home but at least a three dish Italian meal. Not the kind Adam and I usually have of three cheese lasagna and tiramisu, but of Chicken Parmesan, Shrimp Alfredo- heavy on the shrimp - and stuffed shells with meat and cheese. Dessert was chocolate chip cannolis.
"Okay that’s it." Adam said leaning back. "I can no longer fit into my tights, I’m going to have to tell Nadine to let them out."
I chuckle as I help Collette clear the dishes. We walk into the kitchen and are putting them in the dishwasher when she asks, "So how did your doctor’s appointment go?"
I look at her. "How did you know?"
"Please. Al is Mick’s lifeline to the Fed and when it concerns you two, he makes no apologies about telling us."
"See if I do another episode of ‘Tough Enough’ for him." I mutter. Since doing the show, Al has become more active with the Fed again.
"So? How did it go?"
"Fine. I had to have a CAT scan because of the headaches, but other than that, I’m fine."
"You mean other than the fact your blood pressure is through the roof."
That’s it, I’m killing Al.
"Why is it we have to hear these things from him? Matt, you don’t have to keep things from us."
"I just don’t want to worry you guys."
"Well when we have to hear about things such as your passing out and being taken to the hospital from someone else, we do worry. We like to hear these things from you."
"Fine," I said irritably. "Next time I get a cold or a hangnail, you and Mick’ll be the first to know."
"Don’t get smart with me Matthew Moore Hardy." She warns, using my ‘legal’ name.
I slam the dishwasher door shut. "I’m sorry, but I’m sick of everyone getting into my business. If I don’t want to tell people things then that should be my prerogative."
"I know I’m not your mother nor do I pretend that I’ll ever be her, but when the judge signed those papers granting custody of the three of you to Mick and myself, then it became my responsibility to take care of you guys and believe it or not, I don’t take that responsibility lightly."
"I know."
"And part of that responsibility is to keep some kind of tab on you guys and to not have to hear through friends and acquaintances if anything bad happens to you. I don’t know where this need to keeps secrets is coming from Matt, but it needs to stop. Not only is it affecting your relationship with Adam, but also now it’s jeopardizing your health and I am not going to just stand by and watch you destroy yourself, thinking you’re protecting us. Because you’re not. You’re only hurting us. I know I sound like a nag, but everything you do has an affect on those around you, whether you want to acknowledge that or not. Now Mick, Adam and I love you too much to see you hurt like this. Just let us help you honey." She touched my shoulder. "Please? Don’t keep things bottled up like this any more."
I was speechless, especially when I looked out at the table and saw Mick and Adam looking at me. Feeling the walls closing in, I left the kitchen and headed out to the backyard to get some air.
I was stretched out on the little dock that went to the lake we lived by. I looked up the stars while my bare feet dangled in the water, which was cold from the weather we’d been having lately. Not being able to help myself, I keep replaying the scene in the kitchen over and over again. Does she actually think I enjoy doing this? Does she think I like keeping secrets from people, especially those I love?
I don’t.
But I don’t like to burden people with my problems either.
"Thought I’d find you here," Adam’s voice breaks the silence as I hear him approach, the boards complaining of his arrival.
"I’m sorry." Christ, I wonder if they could program that and my other two favorite catchphrases; "I’m fine" and "I just bet" into that action figure of mine. "I didn’t mean to go off the way I did."
"We’re just worried about you." Adam sits next to me, folding his long legs Indian style.
"I don’t know why."
"Because that’s what love is about, Matt. It’s worrying, caring and protecting the ones you love. Though in your case, you seem to take the third one to the extreme."
"I have my reasons."
"I know. But I have my reasons for not wanting you to keep things from me and from Mick and Collette."
"I don’t enjoy it."
"Then why do you? We’re not in the attic anymore. We don’t have anyone to protect but ourselves and each other."
"I just feel so fucking guilty."
"Why? About what?"
"About everything." Tears pricked my eyes again.
"Such as?"
I said nothing. As always whenever I hit the precipice of telling someone something, I always pause, preferring the silence to the forced concern.
"Matt . . ."
"I shouldn’t be here." Christ why am I giving grandfather’s words so much credence in my life? I know it’s like Mick said – sick ramblings from a sick man, but God the ‘what if’s’ keep playing in my head; what if I had died instead of Christian, would they really have been better off? Would they have gotten out and lived normal lives? Would Adam be better off than how he was now? Would Jeff still be here? Would Chris?
I know you’re thinking ‘no they wouldn’t.’ That they’d probably be more screwed up than ever, but as always how would anyone know unless it happened? Unless I had died how would anyone have known how things would have turned out?
"What do you mean you shouldn’t be here?" Adam’s question disturbed my thoughts. "You mean outside? Out here?"
"I mean alive." Bam! I said it. Now let’s see what happens.
"What are you saying?"
Well, might as well go all out. "I mean I shouldn’t be alive. I should’ve died in the attic, not Chris."
"Why are you saying this?"
"Because it’s true. I’m the reason you guys were punished. I’m the reason Dad hated us so much and I’m the reason we suffered through everything we have."
"Says who? Who the hell told you that?"
"Doesn’t matter."
"The hell it doesn’t! God Matt, just a few hours ago you were telling how you couldn’t stand to lose another brother and now here you are wishing you were dead! Who the hell put those ideas in your head?"
"No one." I whispered, trying to keep together. "I’ve just been thinking about things while I was writing in the journal and it seems like if I had died, you guys would be so much better off."
"Who says? Christ do you think any of us would’ve been normal? You were there. You saw how grandfather and Dad treated us. Hell we wouldn’t have survived it if it weren’t for you."
"Chris didn’t."
"Well that wasn’t your fault. That was those two sick fucks we were related to. That was their doing."
"They might’ve let you out. They might’ve let Chris live-"
"And how do you know this?"
"Think of it Adam, you three took after Dad, looks wise anyways. I’m the one who takes after Mom. Every time grandfather came after me it was the same reason; because I look like her. I remind them of her. Now I’m not saying it’s Mom’s fault or anything like that. I’m just saying, if I was out of the picture, then maybe, just maybe things would’ve been better for everyone."
"Everyone but those you leave behind. Do you think it mattered to any of us, me and the twins, that you looked like Mom? Hell that was one of the reasons we loved you. That I still love you."
"It was one of the reasons we were punished."
"Christ Matt. The only reason we were punished was because our father and grandfather were cut from the same sick deviant cloth, not because you look like Mom. Now I’m going to tell you the same thing you told me earlier; I’ve lost two brothers. I don’t want to lose a third."
I get up and stand. "Maybe if you had lost the third, the other two might still be here."
I get no more than two steps in before he grabs my arm and spins me to face him. "Don’t say that. Don’t ever fucking say that!"
"Why not? It’s true! Christ Adam, look at all that’s happened. Chris died because grandfather was punishing us. Dad attacked you because of me. And Jeff, maybe if I hadn’t been so against his relationship with Raven, he wouldn’t have sought out Dad and wouldn’t have been rejected. All this because of me!" I was losing it now. My face was so hot from frustration and tears, I thought it was going to explode which, with the headache pounding in my skull, I wish it would.
"And I suppose you’re to blame for everything else that’s gone on in the world?"
"Maybe. Maybe I am."
"This isn’t easy for me to ask, but you’re not planning on doing anything are you? Because if you are, I’m at that house like a shot and I will get Collette and Mick out here to stop you."
My head hurt so much; I didn’t know what the hell I was saying. "No, no."
"Good," his voice was shaky now. "Because I’ve suffered through one suicide. I can’t deal with another. Matt? Matt look at me."
I tried not to but it was kind of hard to ignore him when he had his hand on the back of my head forcing me to look into his eyes. Christ, how much pain was I going to inflict on him before he gave up on me?
Our foreheads touched as he talked. He tried to keep his voice level. "I’m telling you the same thing you’ve told all of us at one point or another. None of this, what we’ve been through, what happened in the attic and after, none of this was your fault. Don’t ever think it was and for the love of God don’t ever talk about dying like that again." He kissed my forehead before holding me close to him. "I love you too much to let you go like that and be assured of one thing, if you die, I die with you. And if you even so much think about killing yourself, I’ll save you the hassle and kill you myself."
I chuckled. I couldn’t help myself.
23
Daylight came and I lay in bed watching the sun stream through the semi-closed blinds. Adam is asleep next to me, his hand reassuring on my waist. After the all night ‘therapy session’ – as I jokingly call my talks with Collette – I felt tired, drained and for the first time in a while relaxed.
I showed her the journal, and I could swear she was going to break down a couple of times. Especially when she read about how Christian died and about what Gerald did to Jeff. "No wonder he didn’t want anyone touching him," she’d said, obviously remembering the times whenever her or Mick tried to give him a hug, he’d flinch away, terror in his eyes. It was something he’d grown out of though by the time he met Raven.
We were going to go back on the road in another day and as I ticked off all the things Adam and would need for a west coast stretch, I thought about what was going to happen when I laid eyes on both Dad and Shane.
Dad was definitely in for the mother of all ass beatings without a doubt. As I said, I don’t care if I get arrested, fined and fired. It may not be much and it might not make things right for Adam, but my fists were itching to smash something and Dad’s face was as good as anything.
Shane on the other hand was a totally different matter.
I’m still going to Vince about things, telling Mick I’d handle it, but Mick’s question still rings in my head. Do I have feelings for Shane? The rational part of me says why should I? He’s been nothing but a pain in my ass for the past three years and just because he pours his tiny little heart out to me the day of the picnic and then says he’s concerned about me, I’m just supposed to say everything’s forgiven?
So why the hell is it when he kisses me, all reason goes out the window. I mean I know I’d thought I’d use his lust for me as a part of my revenge, something I’ve been thinking more about especially since Adam’s confession over what Dad did to him, but I wanted to be the one in control. The one to make Shane dance like a puppet, but now I was beginning to wonder who was the puppet here.
I turn on my back and look at Adam, who’s asleep on his stomach. Without meaning to, I remember what he’d said about Dwayne. Had there been something going on that I hadn’t been paying attention to, so wrapped up in the journal and keeping things inside? I know they hung out together quite a bit backstage the way I hang around Mark and Glenn, but God knows I haven’t had any feelings for them, knowing how Glenn feels about Mark and vice versa, but thinking of the day when Adam busted Heyman with the fax machine, when they came into the room they seemed so friendly and then there was Providence when Adam had his night terror, the looks Dwayne gave me when I came back and I wonder if Adam shared the same feelings Dwayne seems to have for him.
It never fails, when it seems like when one problem gets solved, another crops up.
I got the results back.
There was nothing abnormal as far as the CAT scan was concerned, which brought a collective sigh from everyone, so now we think my headaches are the signs of migraines, which according to the doctor are a side shot of my blood pressure. We decided to try and get my blood pressure down naturally before having to resort to medication. That means limiting my salt and caffeine consumption and working out my stress instead of holding everything in. I wonder what the doctor would say if he knew Adam was the caffeine fiend and not me.
As we promised, we stopped by the Laurers and thankfully it was just grandma, grandpa, Aunt Jenny and us. We looked through the photo albums and found the exact same photo of her that grandfather had torn that day. I asked if there was any way we could get a copy made and grandma said she’d try as soon as she found the negative.
We then went to the mall to pick up some more things for our west coast swing. While Adam was at a Sam Goody’s grabbing some music, I stopped by a Waldenbooks and grabbed another journal and a couple of books. Meeting by the exit, Adam saw the journal in my bag but didn’t say anything, something I was grateful for.
Then we made one last stop. The cemetery.
Parking the car, we walked to the sites.
"I was thinking bout what you said about getting Chris a marker to put next to Jeff’s," Adam said as I laid the flowers by the stones. "Why don’t we do that when we get back from California?"
"What name do we bury him under?"
"Mom’s. Grandma and grandpa know he’s gone. In fact while you were talking with Aunt Jenny about Mom’s Winnie the Pooh collection, grandma asked me why we didn’t have a marker for Chris."
"What did you tell her?"
"That we were looking into have Chris’s body sent from Connecticut."
"Adam," I say, figuring I might as well tell him now. I stand to look at him. "I don’t know how to tell you but-"
"Chris was cremated." He looked at me. "I know."
"How?"
He sighed. "Mick, Collette and I looked for Chris’s death certificate the day you went to the picnic. When I couldn’t find one, we looked into it and someone who works at a crematorium told me about the time they’d worked there and this guy had brought a little boy in. Said they wanted it done because his death would seem suspicious and they didn’t want to involve anyone in a scandal."
"Shit. I wonder who brought him in."
"Guess."
"Dad." We both say together.
"We’ve got to nail his ass somehow. I mean if he had anything to do with Mom’s death, he has to pay for that." I say.
"Yeah but isn’t there a statute of limitations?"
"Not for murder. We may not be able to prove he killed Chris, but we can at least look into how Mom died."
"It was an accident."
"Adam, sweetie, this is our father we’re talking about. He’d lie to God himself if it meant getting his way."
"How do we start?"
"That’s what I’ve been trying to come up with."
Turning our thought away from revenge for a bit, we said our regards to Mom and Jeff. "Don’t worry," I say. "We’ll nail his ass one way or another for what he did to you guys. We guarantee it."
We turned and left, both feeling anxious to get on the road and nail our father.
"I think that’s everything." I say as we finish packing that night.
We’d been up till one trying to think of what we needed to pack after taking Mick and Collette to the airport. After promising to call when we got a chance and to not keep things from them, we saw them off back to Florida.
"Maybe for you," Adam says, searching through his drawers, "but I can’t find those black leather pants I usually wear."
"Did you pick them up from the cleaners?"
"Crap." He says, putting on a CD. "We’ll have to leave early to get them."
I chuckle as I sit on the bed. It was like this every time we left home. Adam always forgot something, but given how things have been these past few days, I didn’t rag on him about it.
I’m surprised when I hear the strains of Dido’s "Here with Me" play. "When did you get this?"
"This afternoon. Lisa was playing it one night backstage and I thought I’d get my own copy. I like this song the most."
I listen to the song as well and find the chorus says so much about how I feel toward Adam.
I won’t go
I won’t sleep
I can’t breathe
Until you’re resting here with me
I won’t leave
I can’t hide
I cannot be
Until you’re resting here with me
"Matt?"
Distracted I look over at him. "What?"
"What were you thinking about just now?" he asks with a smile.
"Just listening to the song."
I watch him walk to where our little stereo is, and cuts off the song now playing. After a few pressed buttons, the song starts again. "I put it on repeat." He holds out a hand. "Dance with me?"
I oblige, walking to him and sliding into his arms as if it were the most natural thing in the world which to be honest, to me it was. We really didn’t do much of what one calls dancing, just stood there holding each other.
"We should’ve picked this for our anniversary," he murmurs in my ear.
Our anniversary. God it seems like such a long time ago. It’s amazing how things change so damned fast when you’re not looking.
I feel his breath warm on my neck and feel warmth of another kind go through me.
"Matt?" he asks, his voice thick with desire or sleepiness, I wasn’t sure which.
"What babe?"
He pulls his head back. "Make love to me."
I blinked. "Sure?"
"Yeah. I know it sounds weird, but I feel like the only way I can get rid of these memories if I replace them with those of you."
Oh God if you knew how long I wanted to hear him say he wanted me to make love to him and I wanted to . . .
"I can’t." I say, my own voice heavy with regret. I look at him and the rejection I’m sure he’s feeling was as clear as day.
"Why? Is it because of what I told you?"
"In a way."
He pulls back. "You don’t love me anymore is that it? I told you my dirty little secret and you’re disgusted by me."
"No that’s not it."
"Then what? Is it Shane? Is it because I’m not him?"
"Oh God no."
"Then what? Christ Matt, I’ve finally worked up the courage to say the words I know you’ve been dying for me to say and you just say no."
"Adam, you’ve just remembered the biggest trauma of your life and if I made love to you now while the wounds were still raw then I’d be no better than Dad."
"You are. You are so much better than him."
Sometimes I wonder. "I’d just be taking advantage of you if I made love to you now. I know you said you want me to erase the memories but I can’t. All I would do is give you new ones that might mix in with the old and then the next night terror you have could be about us and I don’t want that and I know you don’t either. Just give yourself a chance to heal a little first." I touch his face. "I still love you no matter what, and yeah, I’ll admit I still want to make love to you in the worst way, but I’ve waited this long and I can wait a little longer."
"I don’t deserve you."
"Well you’re stuck with me whether you like it or not."
He smiles. "I like it. A lot."
"You want to go to bed and get some sleep or-?"
He pulls me back in his arms. "Not yet. I’m not done dancing with you."
I take him in mine, enjoying what I’m sure is the calm before the storm.
24
I’m only half hearing as Test is regaling Adam and me as to what’s been going on since we’ve been on vacation. Entering Staples Arena, I try to stifle a yawn. The three-hour time difference combined with the events of the past week have just about dragged me out. Adam, as always, was carrying a coffee cup. I longed for a sip, just to wake me up but remembering doctor’s orders, Adam will not let me near it.
"So then what did he do?" I hear Adam ask.
"The same thing any sane man would’ve done, jumped from the balcony and ran like hell. You don’t mess with another man’s boyfriend and get away with it for too long."
I’m rubbing my eyes as we turn a corner and freeze when I see who’s there.
There was Shane talking with Dad. I could tell he wasn’t too pleased to be there but was trying not to show it, but my mind wasn’t on Shane, but on Dad. Something I’m certain Adam could tell as I heard him say, "No Matt. Not here. Not now."
But I didn’t give a damn. As if driven by some inner rage, I threw my suitcase and duffle bag down and ran to where Dad stood and felt my fist connect to his face. There was a hell of a commotion but I didn’t care, blind fury consumed me as I had him on the ground and just pounded away at him, not caring what I hit as long as I could beat the hell out of him, inflict some sort of pain to make up for the pain he inflicted on us.
I don’t know how many officials and referees it took to pull me off him, but I kept trying to get at him, totally ignoring Adam’s pleas to stop.
"What the fuck is your problem!" I heard him shout at me.
"What the fuck is yours, you sick fuck?" I shouted back.
"All right!" I heard Vince’s voice boom. "What the hell is going on here?"
"Don’t ask me, ask Hardy, he’s the one who jumped me!"
"Why don’t you tell him why you bastard!"
"All right. Matt, you go to your dressing room. Paul, you go to the medic’s room."
"You’re going to need more than a medic when I get done with you Helmsley!" I shouted before shaking everyone off me. I grabbed my stuff and stormed to the dressing room, Adam not far behind.
I tossed my bags onto one of the stalls when Adam lit into me. "What the fuck did you think you were doing out there?"
"I told you if I saw him again, I was going to kill him."
"Christ Matt, Vince is going to be here to find out what the hell was going on."
"Then I’ll tell him the truth. It’s about time he knew what a sick fuck his son in law is anyways." With my hand I rubbed my jaw to make sure there wasn’t any blood.
"If you tell Vince anything, we are through."
I stood looking at him, panting to try and get my breath back. "You’re the one who brought up wanting to expose him."
"Not like this. Not this way."
There was a knock on the door. Adam shot me a warning glance before going to answer it. "Oh great," he said, leaving the door just as Shane walked in.
"You okay?" he asked me.
"I’m fine." Though I can just imagine what my blood pressure must be like right now.
"What the hell was that all about?"
"It’s personal."
"Really? Well whatever it is, you’ve just busted Hunter’s lip open and damn near did the same to his eardrum."
"Good."
I see him look at Adam as though he could explain everything. Adam says nothing, just glares at Shane.
"What is the deal with the two of you?"
"That is none of your business." That came from Adam.
"With all you two have done lately and now this, there has to be something going on."
"Just get out Shane." Once again Adam.
There was another knock on the door. I tensed in case it was Dad, but instead it was Vince. "All right Matt, what the hell was that all about?"
"It’s personal."
"Well when I have one employee attack another for what seems to be no good reason then it becomes personal to me."
"Well what about when your prick of a son here harasses a wrestler for three years trying to get him to go to bed with him, is that personal to you?" Adam shot.
"All right, all right. One thing at a time. First, what the hell was all that in the hallway Matt?"
I look at Adam who’s looking at me. I could see him pleading with me not to tell Vince the truth but jeeze I had to think of something. "I’d heard Hunter made a pass at Adam," I cover. That got a funny look out of Adam.
"Who told you that?"
"Shane," Vince cautions. "Now I know the two of you have been under some sort of psychological strain recently, but I will not tolerate any more incidents like what happened out there because if it happens again, I’ll send one of you to Ohio Valley until things get straightened out."
"You might not tolerate any incidents like what Matt did, but tell me Vince, do you tolerate your son sexually harassing your employees?" Adam spoke up.
"What do you mean Adam?"
"What I mean is for the past three years, ever since Matt and I have been here, your precious heir apparent has been hitting on my husband, sometimes right in front of me."
"Do you have any other witnesses?"
"Mark, Glenn and a few others whose names I will gladly give you."
Vince looks at Shane and me. "Is this true Shane?"
Oh yeah he’s sweating. I wanted to go to Vince about this but this wasn’t how I wanted it done.
"I may have said some things that might have been taken the wrong way."
"Oh you mean like at our anniversary party when you tried to give Matt a necklace and said you’d like to see him wear it while you were fucking him? Kinda hard to take that the wrong way."
Vince now looks at me. "Is this true Matt?"
I see Shane looking at me, not so much as to keep me from saying anything but as to see if I would. "Yeah. It’s true."
Vince nods in the way he does when the shit’s about to hit the fan. He walks to Shane. "I want you in my office now," he hisses.
Vince leaves, Shane following obediently but not before flashing a look of hurt that it almost made me feel guilty.
"Well that takes care of that." Adam says before turning to his bag.
"How could you?" I ask.
"How could I what?"
"Just bring it up like that. You know I wanted to talk to Vince on my own."
"I’m just sick and tired of Shane always coming around like some goddamned puppy looking for a home."
"Oh well then, I guess I shouldn’t work myself up into a tizzy when Dwayne comes around for you then."
"What?"
"Nothing." I start taking out my gear.
"Don’t nothing me. What did you mean by that?"
"You said Dwayne could’ve had you anytime he wanted."
"Jesus Matt, I didn’t mean it."
"Is that the real reason you went to the arena with him on our anniversary?"
"I told you why. He wanted to pick up his script from Dave."
"You didn’t have to tag along." I began taking my clothes off to put my ring clothes on.
"Matt."
I ignored him. Or I had until I felt his hands on my back. "Adam don’t."
I heard him sigh before walking away.
Christ why do things have to be so difficult?
I’m standing by one of the monitors watching the matches when Shane approaches me.
So far there haven’t been any further run-ins between Dad and myself, both receiving warnings from Vince to stay away from each other. It’s almost comical to hear him wonder when the hell he could’ve hit on Adam, since Adam and I were joined at the hip, in a matter of speaking.
Anyways, back to Shane.
I’m standing there trying to focus on the monitor, all the while sliding glances at him as to try and gauge his mood. He’s standing there watching the match between the Acolytes and the Dudleys with me, his hands behind his back.
"How could you let him do that?" He says finally. His tone wasn’t angry, just disappointed.
"You knew I was going to tell Vince."
"You didn’t have to." He looks at me. "Christ Matt, I thought we were through this. I told you why I acted the way I did. And I apologized or thought I had."
"He knows."
"Who knows what?"
"Adam knows about the kiss in your hotel room."
"Tell him about the ones in the attic and in the limo?"
"He’s been through enough."
"God he’s got you trained doesn’t he?"
"Don’t even go there." I warn.
"He’s manipulating you Matt. Has he hit you or choked you since we talked?"
I think back to the night Adam told me the truth. "No." I lie, still staring at the screen.
"You don’t deserve this."
"And you think I deserve you?"
"You deserve someone who won’t treat you the way he does."
"He treats me well."
"Oh really?" he asks. "Have you heard the rumors about he and Dwayne? To be honest, Dwayne’s the one you should’ve gone after not Hunter."
"I have my reasons for going after Hunter and I don’t appreciate you starting rumors about Adam."
"I don’t have anything to lose now. You’ve already told Vince about me."
"I didn’t mean it to come out that way."
He shrugs. "Doesn’t matter. He’s shipping me back to Stamford for a while. Work in the offices."
I have no idea why I felt a twinge of regret over hearing that, but I did. "Brought it on yourself." I sipped my glass of water.
"I know. I’m just sorry that you won’t have anyone to help you as far as Adam goes."
"I don’t need anyone to help me with that."
"Is he getting counseling?"
"He’s just got to make the appointment. Collette referred him to someone."
"Well I’ll only believe it when I see for myself."
"What’re you going to do? Hire detectives and have him followed to his appointments?"
"No. I’ll know by what I hear about him while you’re on the road." He sighs. "Listen Matt. I’ve never meant you any harm. I just have a shitty way of doing things. I’m sorry for everything I may have said that hurt you, but it’s like I said in the attic, I’ve loved you since I first saw you on those tapes and maybe the way I went about to make you notice me wasn’t the right way and I should respect the fact that you and Adam are married, but I can’t change how I feel. Not this late in the game."
I said nothing just sipped on my water.
"Well I’ve said all I can say right now. I’d better get going. Good luck Matt. Not just on your match, but with your life with Adam."
I watched as he walked off toward what I was sure was a waiting limo. I can’t explain why, but I feel guilty as hell about what just happened. All I wanted was for Shane to leave me alone and though he wasn’t fired, it felt as though he had been. Just add that to the long list of things to feel guilty about I guess.
25
I begged off going out that night preferring to stay in our room.
"Sure you don’t want to go out?" Adam asks, slipping on a shirt.
"I’m sure."
"Listen I’m sorry about earlier."
"It’s done and over with. Just go have a good time okay?"
"I’d have a better time if you came with me."
I didn’t say anything, just watched whatever music video was playing on television. We kissed before he left with Test, the Billys Kidman and Gunn, and Shane Helms.
"I won’t be gone long," he tells me before closing the door behind him.
Alone, I get off the bed and walk to my bag where the new journal and half a pack of pens awaited me. I still had the other journal with me though I don’t know why. I get back on the bed, open the journal, as always leaving two blank pages in front. Before I started writing. If you’ve ever wondered how we met Mick and Collette, here is how it happened, to the best of my memory.
The sound of creaking floorboards woke me.
I reached into my jacket for the handle of the knife Adam had shoplifted when we had arrived in New York City three weeks after escaping the house. Jeff was asleep with his head on my lap.
As the noise grew, I tensed. Ever since we arrived here it seemed like every other pimp and freak were bothering us for one reason or another. Mostly for Jeff. One pimp had offered us three thousand dollars to add Jeff to his stable. That was his first and last offer as Adam, now a strapping seventeen year old, beat the hell out of the guy and now I was wondering if whoever was in the building we’ve been squatting at was one of his buddies coming for some payback.
"Don’t worry it’s me."
I sigh in relief and let go of the knife handle as Adam finally comes into view, a couple of white take out bags in his hands. His hair’s about the same length as it was these days and still a darker shade of blonde. He’d been out all day pawning what we could to get out of New York City, still afraid that grandfather or even Dad for that matter, would send someone after us, especially after Jeff killed Gerald that night in the kitchen.
The first couple days of freedom were spent looking through the papers to see if there were any mention of what happened to Gerald and in one of the local Connecticut papers, there was a mention of a break-in in which the ‘butler’ had been ‘surprised and killed’ by the intruder or intruders. We never let Jeff look at the papers so he has no idea what he had done.
Adam sits in front of me after giving me a quick kiss on the forehead. "Has he woken up at all?" He asks of Jeff.
"A couple of times. Both to use the bathroom."
"Eat anything?"
I shook my head. I guess he overheard Adam and I discussing how grandfather had been poisoning us, because he wouldn’t eat anything unless he saw it being made. He hadn’t even touched the bag of chips I’d picked up for him.
Adam sighed and handed me a take out bag.
"So how much did we get?"
"For the necklace, about five hundred and the mirror about two. I think the pawn shops are being a little cautious now."
"Why’s that?"
"Apparently there’d been some big robbery in the city and they’re keeping an eye out for any suspicious people trying to pawn anything."
"Well seven hundred should last us a while, shouldn’t it?"
"If we budget things yeah."
I felt Jeff move. I looked down and saw him open his eyes. "Hey kid. Adam brought lunch."
He sits up and looks at the bag. He just shakes his head. Ever since we left the attic, he rarely spoke, reminding me so much of Chris.
"C’mon Jeff," Adam prodded gently. "You haven’t eaten anything since we got here."
"Yes I have." He says weakly
"Sorry kid, but a Milky Way bar three days ago doesn’t count." He pulls out some French fries. "Here."
He just looks at him. "Don’t want any."
"Jeff please? Look you’ve seen me and Matt eat and we haven’t gotten sick."
"Just a couple, please?" I add.
He reached and took one. Even then he ate it very slowly taking one tiny bite at a time.
"Well it’s a start." Adam took out a napkin and laid the other fries on top of it in case Jeff wanted more, which was a hope we knew wouldn’t happen.
"It’s starting to get colder now." I say to Adam. "Any idea where we could go yet?"
"I’ve been doing some thinking."
"Any possibilities?"
"Well we could head out west. I checked the bus prices and they don’t seem to be too bad."
"Yeah but that’s a long way."
"You got any bright ideas?"
"What about back to Cameron?"
"That’s the first place they’ll look for us Matt."
"Then where do we go?" I ask.
"I don’t know. Florida?"
"What’s in Florida? Other than Disney world?"
"I don’t know, all I know that it’s warmer down there and it’s far enough away from Greenwich."
"But we packed winter clothes."
"Well when we get to Florida we’ll get some summer clothes. All I know is that we have to get out of New York and soon, before the weather gets worse."
I looked at my little shadow. "How about you Jeff? Where do you want to go?"
He just shrugged, still eating the same French fry.
"Florida it is." I say.
Two days later, the three of us were sitting in the back of the bus we caught from Washington, which had been a connecting bus for the one from New York. Watching the scenery fly by with Jeff’s head on my lap, I begin to doubt my agreeing to go to Florida.
"What are we going to do when we get there?" I ask Adam, who looks wrapped up in a book.
"I don’t know. I’m old enough to see about getting a job doing something."
"I guess I could look into that too."
"No Matt. You’re only fourteen, you won’t be able to work without some kind of documentation."
"So what? I stay home all day?"
He laughs. "Stay home, do the housekeeping, watch soaps and eat bon-bons. Yeah I could see you doing that."
I had to laugh too, before watching Jeff shift around. He was curled up into as tight a ball as a person his age could possibly be without going into themselves.
"Though I think the first thing we should do is have Jeff checked out. Make sure the poison didn’t do too much damage to him."
"How? We can’t afford a doctor."
"I’m sure they have free clinics and whatnot down there." Adam says.
"And if they find out we’re runaways? They’ll split us up."
"No they won’t. I’ll make damn sure of that." He takes my hand. "I promise. No one will ever split us up."
I wrap my hand around his, praying that would be the case.
We arrived in Florida just before two in the morning the next day.
"Jeff," I shake him gently. "Jeff we’re here."
I watch him wake slowly. "We are?" he asks softly.
"Mmm-hmm." I tell him, feeling my legs prickle from his head laying on them. Adam grabbed our bags – before leaving New York, we traded in our two suitcases for two large duffle bags and a backpack, which Adam was now putting on. We make our way off the bus and a blast of warm air hits us.
We wander around Miami, taking in the nightlife and fending off the advances of some pimps, to the point where Adam had to threaten one with the knife if he didn’t leave us alone. When morning came, we’d found a place where we could trade in our winter clothes for something cooler though we did hang onto some of our stuff in case we decided to move on and Adam managed to pawn of a couple more things which got us a breakfast, which Jeff actually ate after being able to see how it was made and a room at a cheap motel, where we had the first warm shower in a long time.
Adam and I had showered first and Jeff was in there now. The room we had had two beds in it and we decided we would share a bed while Jeff had the other one. I was drying my hair when I felt another pair of hands on the towel. I let go and let Adam dry my hair as he had done in the attic from time to time.
"Your hair’s starting to get curly." Adam comments as he sets the towel aside, sits next to me and begins playing with it. I glance at the bathroom door, hoping Jeff wouldn’t come out right now.
"Adam we can’t. Not here."
"I know." He says before kissing my cheek. "I’ve missed you."
"How? We’ve been together all this time."
"You know what I mean."
And I did too. The last time we’d made love was when we first arrived in New York and we found the building we were squatting in. It’d been late and Jeff was asleep as always. It was then he first penetrated me. It hurt like hell, but it felt so good I couldn’t complain. We’d tried to make time for us whenever we could but concern for Jeff’s well being took precedence over whatever hormonally charged passion plays Adam and I wanted to indulge in.
With some of my hair in his hand, he turned my head slightly so our lips would meet. With a sigh I open my lips to allow his tongue inside, his breath still pungent with the dinner we’d had. I let him push me back onto the bed where he slides his hand under my shirt and begins stroking my nipples before stroking my stomach.
"I love you," he whispers in my ear, before moving his hand lower. I close my eyes longing for him to touch me there, when we hear the shower water stop running, which is the equivalent of splashing cold water on us. We part just as the door opens and Jeff, in all his eleven-year-old splendor, walks out with a towel wrapped around his small waist.
"Feel better?" I ask.
He nods as he digs around the one duffle bag for some clothes
Adam and I look at each other. He’s so thin you could make out the bones of his ribs. It’s at that moment I decide no matter how much he complains, he is going to start to eat something everyday regardless of the cost.
"I’ll be back out." He says before taking his clothes back into the bathroom.
When the door closes, Adam and I heave a sigh. "That was close." He says.
"We have to be careful around him."
"I know. Another thing is we have to make him start eating again."
"That’s what I was thinking."
Ten minutes later, Jeff reemerged from the bathroom and crawled into bed. We tucked him in before doing the same. Feeling Adam’s body against mine brought back the warm sensation I always got whenever we touched. I was half asleep when I felt his hand slide down my stomach to the front of my pajama bottoms. I felt myself grow both hard and nervous at the same time. "Adam," I whisper.
"Shhh." He returns as his hand wraps itself around me and begins stroking me slowly. I let a couple of moans slide out before Adam covered my mouth so we wouldn’t wake Jeff. It didn’t take long before I felt my insides clench and my cum spill onto Adam’s hand which he took out and wiped off before kissing me. "Sweet dreams Matt."
Sweet dreams indeed.
The next two days found us still in the motel which, unlike the attic, had a fire escape so we could go outside and watch the activities going on outside. It was still a struggle to get Jeff to eat anything without his watching it being prepared but fortunately we found this little inexpensive Cuban place where he could do just that.
We were staring to run low on things to pawn and ready cash and though we never let on around Jeff, Adam and I were starting to worry about money since the prospects of anyone hiring Adam without a high school diploma was getting to be slim and none. Hell even for a dishwashing job around here you needed a diploma. I mean come on, how hard can dishwashing be?
"We’re going to have to do something." Adam says as we sit out on the escape. Jeff is inside watching cartoons.
I say nothing in reply as we watch seas of people pass us by.
"Matt."
"I heard you, but what can we do that’s won’t either get us arrested or killed?"
"Something has to come up and soon."
Fate must’ve heard us because it wasn’t much longer before we met Mick and Collette.
The phone in the hotel room rings and my heart skips a beat. My worst fear whenever Adam and I were apart was that something would happen. I leave the journal for a moment and pick up the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey babe it’s me."
"Hey." I could hear some loud music in the background. "Having a good time?"
"As good as I could have without you here." I hear a familiar voice in the background telling Adam to hurry.
"Is that Dwayne?"
"Yeah, we ran into him when we were leaving the restaurant. I’m just calling to see how you were and to let you know I’m fine."
I was fine until I heard Dwayne’s voice. "I’m good," I cover. "Just don’t get into trouble while you’re out."
"I won’t. I love you."
"Love you too." I return before we both hang up. I sigh before leaning my head back. So it looks like Adam has his own personal stalker as well, because I swore I heard Dwayne tell Jericho when he’d asked Dwayne to join him and a few friends at a bar that he was going to head straight for his room and get some sleep and now there he was out with Adam.
I try to shake the nagging suspicions and the guilt from those feelings, telling myself that Adam would never cheat on me, and returned to the journal.
By the end of our fifth day in Miami we were broke.
We had some things we could pawn still but not enough to make a dent in our situation plus we thought it best to hang onto those things in case of an emergency which, judging by the go round Adam was having with the owner of the motel, this was slowly becoming.
"Look can’t you give us another week?" Adam asked as we were in the guy’s office. "I’m sure we can come up with something."
"Like what?" The guy was a heavyset Latino with a penchant for smoking skinny little cigars, which made my eyes water whenever he came around our room to check on us. Not out of any fatherly concern, but to make sure we weren’t trashing the place or try to skip out without paying the rent.
"Maybe we could work around here? You’re always bitching about needing help."
"Listen, you’re nice kids. Emphasis on ‘kids’. I’m getting enough heat from the other tenants over letting three minors stay here by themselves. Can you imagine the shit I’d catch if I let you work here?"
"That’s bullshit!" Adam said. "I put on the paper that I’m eighteen."
"And the paper you gave me was bullshit. I’ve got a cousin who can forge a birth certificate better than you can. Listen, you three should be grateful that I’m giving you the chance to get your things and that I haven’t called Child Protection on you yet, which I still might do if you don’t get your things out of the room in an hour."
"So where are we supposed to go?"
The guy shrugged. "Not my problem, amigo. Should’ve thought of that before you came to Miami."
"Fuck." Adam said. "Come on guys."
We went to our room and packed our things. While Jeff was gathering his stuff, I looked at Adam. "So now what?"
"I don’t know." He snapped, frustration strong in his voice. "We made it this far, we’ll think of something."
It only took us fifteen minutes to clear our stuff out of the room. And once again for the second time in five days, we were out on the streets of Miami wandering around. We found our way to a park where we sat at a bench, trying to figure out what to do next.
Adam sighed. "We should’ve stayed in New York."
"And froze to death?"
"Well at least we would’ve had a roof over our head. At least until the cops came to clear the place, anyway."
"So what do we do about tonight? I don’t think they’ll let us sleep on the beach."
"I don’t know. We’ve got a more pressing issue as to where our next meal’s coming from."
"There might be an abandoned building around here somewhere."
"We just have to find it." Adam looked at Jeff. "You still with us?"
He nodded, again not saying much.
"Well we can’t stay here all night." Adam stood grabbing the duffle. "We’ll see if there’s a pawn shop around and then that’ll take care of dinner for tonight."
It did if you call splitting a McDonald’s happy meal three ways a dinner, because all we got from the pen set we’d stolen from the attic was about thirty bucks, despite Adam’s best chances to argue the price up, and we thought we could make that stretch for the next few days.
We were walking near the oceanfront business district when we heard someone say, "Hey if it ain’t the three little mouseketeers."
We turned to look and saw the guy who’d harassed us that first night standing there with a couple of his buddies.
"Fuck off." Adam said.
"Oooh." The guy, your usual swarthy Latino gangsta type, wiggled his fingers. "Oh I’m so scared. Listen, I’ll let bygone be bygones if you let me have the two little ones you got with you."
"Go to hell," was the best I could muster.
"Well ain’t you so tough?" he said walking to me. "What about you little angel?" He looked at Jeff. "You got something to say?"
The guy smirked when Jeff got behind me. "He’s a quiet one isn’t he?" he looks at Adam. "I just bet he’ll be a real screamer for me though."
Adam’s right hand flew and caught the guy right in the jaw. The guy staggered back, before looking at Adam. "Oh you’re a feisty one huh?"
I watched the guy reach into his pocket at the same time Adam did, but while Adam pulled out the knife, the guy pulled out a gun, which led to a Mexican standoff that wasn’t in our favor. I tightened my hands on the handle of the duffle bag.
"Watcha gonna do now pretty boy?" he taunted Adam. "Cause by the time that knife gets an inch near me, I’ll blow a hole through your head and then where will you little ones be? Other than at my place screaming for me?" he laughed, just the cockiness I needed to catch him by surprise. I swung the bag, which connected with the hand holding the gun.
"Jeff run!" I shouted.
One of the guy’s friends started after Jeff but Adam tripped him up. "Go!" Adam shouted at me just before the third guy punched him in the back.
Not paying any heed to Adam’s orders, I swung the bag again and hit the guy who’d hit Adam in the face, which allowed the guy to nail me in the ribs with a hard punch, which landed me on the ground.
"You two teach these punks a lesson." The guy ordered. "I’m going after the little one."
"Like hell you will." I grabbed his ankle as he started, causing him to fall on the ground as well.
"You little bitch!" He kicked me in the face with the other foot and I could swear that he broke my nose, but oblivious to the blood I was tasting, there was no way in hell we were going to let these three assholes get to Jeff no matter how bad the beating they were giving us was going to get.
For his part Adam struggled like hell to fight off the guy’s friends but when it’s two on one the way it was for every shot he got in, they got in forty and for my part, the guy somehow managed to pin my arms under his legs and blasted me with every punch he could until after one vicious shot to my temple, I blacked out.
"Matt . . . Matt are you all right?"
I tried opening my eyes to find one of them swollen shut and the other just about there. I look to see Adam, just as badly bruised as I’m sure I was in front of me.
"He all right?" I heard a strange voice ask.
"I think so. Kinda hard to tell with his eyes swollen shut."
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see two men standing there, rubbing their knuckles as though they’d been in a fight themselves. One of them came near me and fear made me skittle to one side.
"Matt, Matt." Adam said. "It’s okay kid. They helped us."
Still I didn’t trust anyone at that point.
Adam held me still as the one, we’d learn was Mick, looked me over. "Damn," he said. "In as many matches as I have been in, I don’t think I’ve ever been as busted open as you guys are. You okay? Can you hear me?"
I nod slowly mindful of the pain shooting through my whole body.
"Mick?" The other guy we’d come to know as Al said. "I’ll get the car and we can take these two to the hospital."
Two? I wondered looking around. "Where’s Jeff?" I asked Adam.
"Jeff?" Mick asked.
"Our little brother." Adam explained. "We told him to make a run for it before we got our asses handed to us."
"Know where he went?"
Adam shook his head before standing. "Jeff!" he shouted, sending lightning through my head. "Jeff! Wherever you are now you can come out!"
No response.
I watch Adam head farther up the pier area. "Jeff! Jeff!"
Oh God I thought. Please don’t let them have gotten him.
"Jeffrey!" I could hear the panic in Adam’s voice. "Jeffrey Nero Helmsley where are you?"
The sound of a trashcan tipping over caught our attention and the silhouette of our little brother came into view. I watched as he ran into Adam’s arms. "It’s okay," I heard Adam whisper. "We’re all right. A little banged up, but we’re all right."
I watched them walk toward me and I knew exactly what he was feeling, like we deserved everything we were getting. I held my arms out and he fell into them, mindful of my injuries. I could feel his small body shake as though he wanted to cry. "I’m okay." I assure though I seriously doubt he’d believe me.
A car pulled up close to us and Al got out. "Think you guys can get in okay?"
I nodded though when I stood, I wobbled enough for Mick to catch me.
"Easy there," he said easing me into the backseat.
"What about your stuff?" Al asked looking around.
"They took it." Adam said ushering Jeff inside.
"All of it?" I ask.
Adam nodded. "Even the backpack."
I went limp. The backpack was where we’d kept Chris’s cars. I look at Jeff to see his reaction but his face has gone blank.
"Okay, is everyone situated?"
Adam and I nod. Jeff just stares ahead of him as Mick and Al get into the front seat and we pull out.
In case you’re wondering, they never did get the cross Christian gave Adam. He’d tucked that into his jean watch pocket. Just thought I’d let you know.
I don’t know why, but in my drug-induced haze, I dream that we are home in Cameron. I feel like I’ve got the flu and Mom’s there hovering over me like she always did when I was sick. "Mom?" I whisper.
"It’s okay Matthew." She says, pushing my hair back. "You’ll be all better soon."
"No we won’t momma," I whisper. "No we won’t . . ."
I drift off to sleep. At least until an ear piercing scream wakes me.
"Matt!"
I nearly jump out of my skin at the sound of Jeff’s fearful cry. I open the one eye that’s not swollen shut and see him cowering away from a woman wearing a uniform. I’m fully awake now as I see she has a needle in her hand.
"What are you doing? Get away from him!" I shout, holding out my arms for him to climb into, which he does.
"We just need to draw some blood for some tests." She explains as Adam and Mick walk into the room.
"What’s going on?" Adam asks, his face bandaged.
"Are you their father?" The woman asks Mick.
"No. What’s going on?"
"We need to draw blood for some tests."
"Isn’t there anyway you could hold off until tomorrow?" Mick asked. "They’ve been through quite enough for one night."
"Well if you could get a hold of their parents, it’d make things go a little smoother."
Yeah right.
"Sure, sure." Mick said.
The nurse left the room.
I had Jeff in my arms soothing him. I look around and see we’re in a hospital emergency room, the bed I’m in shut off by curtains. Adam sits in the chair nearby, his motions stiff as though every bone in his body aches, which I’m sure it does because I know mine does.
"Either of you feeling any better?" Mick asked.
"Just peachy." Adam says.
"If I’m being too nosy, let me know but what were the three of you doing in that area anyways?"
"Trying to find somewhere to sleep."
"Well you won’t have to worry about that for tonight anyway."
"No, we just have to worry about how we’re going to pay for this hospital."
Mick grabbed another chair and sat close to Adam. "You’re all brothers?"
We nodded, or at least Adam and I did. By now Jeff was sound asleep his head on my aching chest.
"I was wondering because you two are blonde," he gestured to Adam and Jeff. "And you’re a brunette."
"I take after my Mom." I tell him.
"So what brings you guys to lovely Miami?" he joked.
We didn’t feel much like talking and I guess he could tell, because he sighed. "So where are your parents?"
"Mom’s dead. Dad threw us out." Adam said, beginning what would become the first of many lies.
"Threw you out? What for?"
Adam shrugged.
"Got any family anywhere else?"
"No." I say.
Mick looks at Jeff. "He’s awful small. How old is he?"
"Eleven. His birthday’s in February."
"So? How about some names? I can’t go around calling you three ‘hey you’. Imagine the confusion."
That got a little smile out of Adam and I.
"I’m Matt, that’s Adam, and this is Jeff." I introduced, just as a woman entered the room.
"My God Mick are you all right?" She asks looking around as he stood. They hugged briefly. "When Al called and said something had happened and to get to the hospital, I thought you got hurt."
"I didn’t but they did." He pointed at us.
She looked at us and I couldn’t believe how much she resembled Mom, but unlike our mother, who had a more chiseled physique, the woman in front of us seemed so petite despite her being about five-nine.
"Oh my God what happened?"
"We were coming out of the arena when Al and I saw three punks beating on those two," he pointed to Adam and me. "The little one there managed to hide out somewhere."
She pushed back a lock of hair as she looked at Jeff and saw how thin he was. "When was the last time he ate something?" She looked at me.
"Couple days ago."
She reached out and touched Jeff’s hair. "Poor thing," she murmured.
"That’s Matt, the little one is Jeff and this here is Adam."
Adam gave her a quick wave.
"Guys this is my wife Collette. She’s a psychiatrist here at the hospital."
"Where are their parents?"
"According to Adam, their Mom’s deceased and their father threw them out."
"Threw them out? Why?"
Mick shrugged.
"Well they can’t go back on the streets."
"I know."
"Listen," Adam spoke. "We know you mean well in whatever you’re thinking of suggesting, but we can’t accept charity."
Oh brother. I roll my eyes, or should I say eye?
"How old are you Adam?"
"Eighteen."
She raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Try again."
He sighed. "Seventeen."
"How about you?" she looks at me.
"Fourteen."
"Him?" She points at Jeff.
"Eleven."
"Well as I said there’s no way you guys are going out on the streets again."
"So what’re you gonna do? Call Child Protection on us?" Adam challenged. "Because I’ll tell you now, we’ll be gone before you get off the phone. There’s no way in hell we’re going to get split up."
"Did I say I was going to call Child Protection?"
"Then what are you going to do?" I ask.
"I don’t know." She admitted. "That’s something I have to talk to Mick about, but I assure you two, you will not be split up."
"We’ll believe it when we see it." Adam said, his voice fading like a toy winding down.
She smiled. "Why don’t we let you three get some rest and when Mick and I decide what to do with you, we’ll let you know."
I watched as she took Mick’s arm and led him out of the area where we were.
"Think we can trust them?" Adam asks me.
"I don’t know, but what other option do we have right now?"
He nods tiredly as his eyes close.
I lay awake and stare at the ceiling, wondering just what fate had in store for us now.
I don’t now how long I’d dozed off after finishing what I wrote, but when I felt a pair of lips on mine, I woke to see Adam sitting next to me. "Hey sleeping beauty."
I look at our travel clock. "Just getting in?" It was almost three in the morning.
"No. You looked so peaceful sleeping that I grabbed a quick shower before waking you."
I looked and saw he was in his usual bed gear of pajama bottoms and bare chest. "Have fun?"
"Nah. It wasn’t as much fun as it would’ve been with you there."
"I’m sure Dwayne made for pleasant company."
"Actually no he didn’t." He sighed. "Matt, I swear I have no feelings for Dwayne whatsoever. You’re the only one I love." He caressed my cheek. "The one I’ll always love."
I nod, wishing the little devil whispering doubt in my ear would just shut the hell up.
"So what were you writing about?"
"When we met Mick and Collette."
"Oh God." He said with a regretful smile. "I forgot about that. It seems like they’ve always been part of our lives."
"Remember how busted up we were?"
"I don’t think we ever were that busted open that bad even after we got into the ring."
"Yeah, who would’ve thought we’d get paid for getting busted up?"
"Who’d have thunk it?"
"Adam?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you still mad about me writing about us?"
"I’m not thrilled about it, but if it helps you then keep going."
I kissed him. "Thank you." I whisper.
"I know one way you can really thank me." He smiled.
"And what would that be?"
"Put that away and let me make love to you."
I put the journal on the night table and took Adam in my arms, forcing the doubtful voices out of my head for the time being, but I knew a confrontation with me and Dwayne was going to happen soon, because I’ll be damned if he was going to take Adam from me without a fight.
26
Two days later, it’s another arena - this time Anaheim - and another bland prematch dinner. I’m not slamming the cooking of the catering crew Vince has hired but after a while chicken, no matter how it’s prepared, tends to get a little tiresome.
I’m picking at my chicken and broccoli while looking through the latest edition of Raw Magazine when I hear a chair scrape across the floor toward my table. Looking up, I think it’s Adam coming back from his photo session, but instead I see a very pissed off father of mine.
"What the hell is your problem?" He asks me, folding his arms on the table and leaning in at me.
Nice to know he doesn’t believe in beating around the bush.
I set the magazine down and glare at him, hoping my anger wasn’t showing as I restrained myself from taking the fork in my hand and jamming it into his neck. "Nothing until you showed up. Why?"
"You go away for a week and the first thing you do is attack me over some fucking rumor about me hitting on your hubby then you turn around and you get Shane shipped back to Stamford over some stupid remark he made to you while he was drunk."
"He seemed pretty damned sober when he said it."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." He dismissed with a wave of his hand. "First of all I want to know who the hell told you I hit on Adam."
"I have my sources."
"Oh really? Well the ‘source protection privilege’ doesn’t apply back here. So if you know a name, spill it."
I say nothing. Just cross my arms and tuck my hands, itching to smash themselves into his face, under my arms.
"Okay fine. Then explain something to me. Why the hell did you make up that stuff about Shane?"
"I never made it up. Everyone here knows he’s been after me ever since we got here."
"Well maybe if you weren’t leading him on, he wouldn’t bother you."
"Leading him on?" Oh that’s rich. For a second I feel like the ten year old I was when Dad blamed me for the beating grandfather had inflicted on me for wanting the photo of Mom in our room and I hated him for it.
"Come on Hardy. If you were so worried over the shit you claim he said to you, then you should’ve told Vince a long time ago."
"Maybe I was hoping he’d get the message and quit."
"Please." He snorted. "You think I don’t notice how you act when he’s around? Oh sure you tell the hubby you can’t stand him, put on a good show for him, but I’ve seen you around Shane. The little looks you give him. Why don’t you end the agony and just admit you’re in love with Shane?"
"Go to hell-"
"At least that way Adam doesn’t have to hide his relationship with Dwayne."
"What?" I stare at him, if not wide eyed, then damn close to it.
"Should’ve been at Tanzania the other night. They were practically swallowing each other’s tongues."
"You lying piece of shit."
"I’m not lying. Stephanie, Heyman and myself saw them together. If you don’t believe me, then ask some of the guys he was hanging around with that night."
The sound of laughter caught my ear and I saw Dwayne and Adam walk into the dining room together.
"Dwayne’s the one you should’ve gone after. Not me." And with that Dad left the table.
I watched him pass Adam without so much as a glance in his direction. "What was that about?" Adam asked, sitting where Dad had sat. Dwayne had gone off to sit with Kurt and Steve.
I waited until the waitress set Adam’s plate down before saying anything. "What went on with you and Dwayne the other night?"
"Nothing. I told you, we ran into him when we were leaving the restaurant and he came clubbing with us. Why?"
"Hunter-" we always used Dad’s professional name when in public so no one could link us together, "-said he, Stephanie and Heyman saw you and Dwayne playing tonsil hockey at Tanzania the other night." I saw him look down at his plate. "He’s lying isn’t he?"
Silence from Adam’s side.
I grab his wrist and made him look at me. "Tell me he’s lying."
"He’s not. For once."
I lean back in my chair. "Why?"
"Listen, I’d had too much to drink, we got carried away, and that’s all."
"No wonder you were so amorous that night. Tell me, when you fucking me were you thinking of him?"
"I’d like to know the same thing. Every time I’ve kissed you, were you thinking of Shane?"
We stared at each other for what seemed the longest time, each of trying to figure out what the other was thinking, which was odd since it had always seemed like we never had to wonder about that.
"Matt, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again."
I didn’t say anything, just got up and walked out of the room, totally ignoring Adam’s voice calling me back.
We barely said two words to each other the rest of the night, even forgoing the pre-match good luck kisses we gave each other. My match was before Adam’s so I was freshly showered and waiting for him to return from his match so we could go on ahead to the next show. Sitting in the changing stall, I made sure no one else was around before I took out my journal and get into how our lives had changed after moving in with Mick and Collette.
"Wow," was all I managed to say when we arrived at Mick and Collette's beachfront property.
The three of us stood in the driveway and just gawked at it. It was a whitewashed stucco, two-story colonial style house.
"Well here it is guys," Mick said taking some of the shopping bags out of the car. "Home sweet home."
We’d stayed at the hospital for another three days, long enough to have some tests run. With Collette by his side, Jeff finally allowed the nurse to take some blood, the results of which were we still had a high dosage of arsenic in our systems, luckily by now it was only enough to affect our immune systems and not kill us and that we were all pretty well undernourished and in need of some vitamins to get our systems back to normal.
We never touched another vitamin during this time.
We walked into the house and found it fancy but comfortable. There were some furniture that screamed wealth but there were some that looked like the kind you’d find in a house with kids. In other words it was classy, but cluttered.
"It’s not much," Collette said as we entered. "But it’s home."
"Must be expensive."
"That’s why Collette's the shrink and I’m the wrestler. She makes more money than I do." Mick cracked.
Adam and I flashed each other a look. We worried over the fact that Mick was a wrestler because since he knew what our last name was, there was a possibility that he could talk to our father and we’d wind back up in the attic again.
To take our minds off things, we watched Jeff wander over to the patio windows and look out. He then looked at us and waved us over. We did and saw there was a playhouse, swing set and a trampoline. One I could see Jeff looking at wistfully.
"Do you have children?" Adam asked.
"No," Collette walked over to where we stood. "Mick has a lot of nieces and nephews so we keep the stuff up for them." She looked at Jeff. "I know you probably want to go out honey, but you might want to wait a while so you can get your strength back." She reached for Jeff’s hair and he flinched. She didn’t seem to want to make a big deal out of it.
"Well why don’t you guys take your stuff and head upstairs? Dinner’ll be ready in a half hour."
Adam and I took the shopping bags containing some new clothes to make up for the ones that were stolen and, along with Jeff, went upstairs. On the way to the house Collette had told us which rooms were to be ours, with the larger one being for Adam, of course. Mine was across the hall and Jeff’s was next to mine, a door connecting them.
"God this is weird," Adam commented as he walked into his room, setting his bags down on the bed. Looking around it looked like a typical teenager’s room with stereo, television – something we hadn’t watched much of while in the attic, grandfather disapproving of the notion of us having one – VCR, computer, the works except for the walls were blank.
He looked at me. "Let’s go see your guys’ rooms."
We walked across the hall to mine and saw it was almost identical to Adam’s with the same things as his but painted a different color. While Adam’s was painted his favorite shade of red, mine was in my favorite shade of blue.
"Well I guess this explains why she brought those paint samples in." I said, recalling while we were in the hospital how Collette would come in and ask what our favorite colors were and what we’d like for our rooms.
"C’mon kid," I nudged Jeff. "Let’s check yours out."
We walked through the connecting doors and saw a room fit for an eleven year old, the walls painted in his favorite shade of green.
"There’s no way they could’ve done this in three days." Adam said, shaking his head in disbelief. "And everything . . . the TV’s, the VCR’s, the computers . . . it must’ve cost them a fortune."
"So how do you like it?" Mick asked from my doorway.
"It’s too much."
"Not really. We were planning to redo these rooms anyways.
"No really," Adam says. "It’s too much. You shouldn’t have done this."
"Why not?"
"I mean there’s no guarantee we’ll be staying here. Especially when Child Protection comes by to check us out."
Collette and Mick had to call Child Protection and explain the situation especially after the tests came back with the arsenic in our systems. Luckily the woman they talked to was a friend of Collette's who assured us they would do everything to keep us from being separated, though they couldn’t guarantee that we would be able to stay with Mick and Collette.
"Well think of it as somewhere to crash until then, but you know, if we do pass muster, we’ll probably have to go to court to see about getting guardianship of at least Matt and Jeff."
"What about Adam?"
"Technically, Adam’s of age here in Florida, they’d consider him an adult."
"Wish the damn motel owner knew that before he threw us out." Adam muttered.
Mick chuckled, before looking at Jeff who really hadn’t moved much since we came in what was now his room. "So how do you like it Jeff?"
He said nothing, but I knew what he was thinking, what we all were thinking; that we wish Christian was here.
"Well I’ll let you guys unpack and get ready for dinner."
We stood there in the connecting doorway between Jeff’s room and mine.
"I don’t know, this just feels wrong." Adam spoke.
"Well let’s just enjoy it while we can." I said, nudging Jeff into his room. It didn’t take long for all of us to get settled in our rooms, though Jeff made me promise to keep our door open at night so he could know I was there.
Our first dinner wasn’t much in terms of drama other than Jeff wouldn’t touch a thing on his plate. He’d pick at it, look it over and then left it alone, before excusing himself from the table. When he was gone, presumably in one of the other rooms, Collette looked at us and asked, "I know you just moved here and that we all just met a few days ago, but I can’t help but be curious as to how the three of you have such a high level of arsenic in your systems."
Adam and I, as always, glanced at each other. "It’s a long story and I don’t know if you’d believe us or not." He says.
"Well it could mean the difference between staying here and leaving. I mean if we could document some form of abuse on your father’s part we could convince the judge to grant us custody of the three of you." She said gently. "Listen, if you’re afraid you’re going to be sent back to him, don’t be. We’d like to know what happened so when Child Protection does come by we could have a way to convince them to let you three stay here."
"It’s just too bizarre." Adam said, playing with the food on his plate.
"Well, we don’t have to get into it tonight, since they probably won’t send anyone for another week or so, so that’ll give you guys time to adjust and get used to us. Well me any ways," she grinned looking at Mick. "Mick, on the other hand, takes a while to grow on any body."
"Watch it woman," he teased back.
Adam and I laughed for the first time in days.
While dinner didn’t have much drama, bedtime certainly did.
I was sitting on Adam’s bed watching him get ready, slipping on the pajamas he’d bought that day. Jeff had already gone to bed an hour ago.
"You know something?" I ask.
"What?"
"This is the first night in a couple of years that we’ve slept apart."
"You could always sneak over . . ."
I shook my head. "If Jeff doesn’t see me in the room he gets scared. I already had to reassure him twice before coming over here."
"Then maybe I can come over there?" He stretched out next to me.
"I don’t know if we should risk it."
"Well we’ve slept alone before. I mean it’s something we have to get used to now."
To me that was the biggest downside to living here was not having Adam’s arms around me, reassuring me when I had my nightmares, hanging onto me when he had his.
"So you’re saying it’s over?" God, did I sound like a rejected boyfriend or what?
He sighed. "I don’t want it to be, but we can’t carry on the way we have. Not with Mick and Collette down the hall and Jeff still having nightmares over Gerald."
"What about you? You still have nightmares?"
"Yeah, but I’ll get over them."
If I known how wrong he’d be.
I was in my room asleep or trying to be when I heard a voice shout, "Get off me!"
Bolting awake, I went to Jeff’s room and amazingly found him still asleep.
"Dad! Stop, get off me!"
I went to Adam’s room and he was on the bed thrashing around as though struggling with someone. I stood frozen not knowing what to do.
"Matt?" Collette asked coming down the hall. "What is it?"
"It’s Adam." I stood by helplessly as I watched her enter his room, taking hold of his arms, which panicked him even more.
"No! Don’t touch me!"
By now Mick had made his way to the room. "What is it?"
"He’s having a night terror," she said brusquely as though making a diagnosis. "Mick, clear some of these things away from him. Matt honey, go check on Jeff. Make sure he doesn’t come in here."
I did as told, shaking because as bad as some of Adam’s nightmares had been, this was the worst I’d seen them.
I wandered back into Jeff’s room to find him wide-awake. "Matt?"
"Yeah kid."
"What’s wrong?"
"Adam’s just having a bad dream that’s all." I held him.
"They’re not hurting him are they?" he whimpered.
"No kid. They’re not."
After what felt like forever, Adam’s screams and thrashings subsided and things were calm again. I still held Jeff in my arms, soothing his worries, when Collette walked in. "How’re you two doing?" She asked, sitting on the edge of Jeff’s bed.
"Is he okay?"
She nodded. "He finally went back to sleep. Can I ask you something Matt?"
"Sure."
"How long has he been having night terrors?"
"Night terrors?"
"They’re a stronger form of a nightmare."
I tried to think. "I know he’s had nightmares, we all have, but I’ve never seen him like that before."
"I don’t want to push you guys into talking about something that obviously is painful, but if Mick and I are to help the three of you, then we have to know what happened to the three of you before you arrived in Florida."
"Now?" I didn’t know what time it was but I knew it was late.
"No, not now, but it’ll have to be soon."
"Can we get through Child Protection first?"
"Sure. We’ll wait until then."
We didn’t have long to wait. A week later as Collette said, a caseworker came out to the house. Things were pretty tense when she asked how we got so much arsenic in our system. We came out and said our father was poisoning us without our knowing it, which was the truth, though we didn’t get into how he’d locked us in the attic, something we had told Mick and Collette.
It wasn’t long after that Child Protection came with a recommendation that we be placed in Mick and Collette's custody, since according to the report we glanced at, it would be in their best interest to remain with them since they could provide a ‘stable environment’ even though Mick traveled as a wrestler and that Jeff and I felt secure in their presence.
Shortly afterwards, Mick and Collette began proceedings to adopt us and while we dreaded the court date as it drew near - afraid that our father would show up- when that day actually came and the judge declared that our father had forfeited his legal rights by not showing up, we felt like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders and were finally free of our father and grandfather.
Not to say we didn’t still have nightmares and that Adam still didn’t have night terrors, but it seemed for a little while things seemed to be looking up. We were enrolled in school after the holidays and though Adam and I placed at our grade levels; Adam as a senior and me as a sophomore, Jeff was placed at a high school freshman level when he was only twelve, the administrators impressed by how high he scored.
I guess those old school books did do him some good.
The dressing door whispered open and Adam walked in, freshly bandaged from his match with Tommy Dreamer.
"Hi," I said closing the journal more out of habit than trying to keep it out of his sight.
"Hi." He gathered his shower stuff.
"Want me to drive tonight?" I was a little stiff from the match I had with Chuck Palumbo but I could tell I was in better shape than Adam was in right now.
"If you want." He winced as he straightened up and paused as though trying to remember something.
"Want room service or take out tonight?"
"Whatever." He said before heading into the showers.
I said nothing, knowing he was still stinging from our ‘talk’ earlier. We were going to have a talk about things between us eventually, but right then just didn’t seem the right time or place to do so.
27
Deciding to take the initiative, when we arrived in Oakland I wandered the halls to try and find Dwayne’s dressing room and find out just what happened in Los Angeles.
It’d been a day or so since Adam and I spoke last in other than polite conversation. Once again he’d gone out with the guys after the matches and I stayed back at the hotel waiting for him. I don’t know when he got back that night, deciding not to wait up for him, but he was asleep next to me when I got up the next morning.
After getting the directions from Tony Gerara, I found myself in front of Dwayne’s dressing room with the "The Rock" sign, complete with Brahma bull in front. I remembered joking with Adam about how every time Dwayne said, "And The Rock says," I’d start looking for an invisible seven foot rabbit named "Rock" because we found it silly to hear him refer to himself in the third person.
Even though we laughed about that, I knew what I was about to do was no laughing matter and could mean the difference in Adam’s and mine relationship.
I knocked about three times before hearing him shout, "Come in!"
I opened the door and looked around to find him stretched out on the floor reading a book, what the title was I didn’t know. "Dwayne?"
He looked up and seeing me there, he marked his spot with a slip of paper and set the book aside. "What’s up Matt?" he asked, sitting up.
"I want to know what happened at Tanzania the other night."
"What do you mean?"
"First of all you tell Jericho you were too tired to go out that night and the next thing I hear is your voice while Adam’s calling me from there, then I hear from Hunter that you kissed Adam. So, is what Hunter said true?"
"Yes." He said without hesitation.
"Why?" I folded my arms.
"Listen," he stood. "First off, I only told Jericho I was too tired to go out because I didn’t want to hang with the Canadian Mafia. Secondly, Adam kissed me. And third, to answer the question I’m sure that has been running in your head for a time now, yes, I do have feelings for him. Have had them for a while now."
"As far back as Providence?"
"As far back as when you, your brother and he came here."
"Well that explains the dirty looks you gave me in Providence."
"You knew he was prone to night terrors, why did you leave him alone?" He asked.
"As I told Vince and I don’t know why I’m telling you, but we had an argument and I needed some air."
"So you went and left him alone like that?"
"And I’m sure you didn’t mind jumping in and playing the hero?"
"Someone had to be there for him. God knows you weren’t."
"Let’s make one thing clear Dwayne. I have been there for Adam more times than I can count. Yeah it was stupid of me to leave like that in Providence and I admit I made a mistake, but he’s my husband Dwayne. It’s bad enough Shane doesn’t respect that, now I’ve got you horning in."
"And let’s talk about Shane for a minute, shall we?"
I roll my eyes and sigh. "Listen, I already got chewed out about what happened by Hunter, I don’t need to hear it from you too."
"Fine, then you won’t have to hear about what you’ve done to him."
"He knew I was going to tell Vince about the way he acted with me. It’s just Adam took it out of my hands the other night."
"No, it’s not that. I’m talking about emotionally."
Oh God, more guilt.
"You don’t realize the effect you have on him," Dwayne continued. "I have never seen anyone as infatuated with someone the way he is with you. Granted he can be an unbearable bitch at time - take it from someone he dated once - but I’m of the belief that if you gave him even half a chance, I don’t think you’d ever have to worry about him ever being unfaithful to you."
I cocked my head in confusion, similar to how Kane does. "And this recommendation of giving Shane a chance wouldn’t be coming from the same part of you that wants Adam, would it? I mean you and Shane aren’t conspiring to break Adam and I up now are you?"
He was quiet for a minute, almost cementing my suspicions. "I’ll admit, I’d rather Adam be with me but you two seem to have this unbreakable bond. Though I don’t think anything Shane nor I could do could break you two up but your unresolved feelings for Shane and whatever demons Adam has might be what does. I’d just like him to know that there’ll be someone there when it does happen."
I blinked. For a second I could swear I was talking to another Shane. This was getting too weird. "He already has someone there for him. Me."
"But sometimes that’s not enough Matt. He’s talked to me about things he’d never talk to you about."
"Such as?" I wondered what the hell Adam was confiding in Dwayne about. I mean I was his husband for crying out loud, shouldn’t he be talking to me? Then again, I haven’t been too communicative with him either.
"Mostly about you. How worried he is about you and this penchant you have for keeping things bottled up and how guilty he feels for putting you through his night terrors and the other bullshit – his words, not mine – and his fears over you and Shane. Stuff he’s afraid of burdening you with."
"He knows he wouldn’t be burdening me with anything he has to tell me."
Dwayne shrugs. "I’m only telling you what he told me. It’s not my intention to break you two up, unlike Shane. I want Adam, but only if he’s free and clear, though it doesn’t seem to be the case right now, or ever I’m sure if you have your way."
"I will. I usually do."
He smiled. "Damn," he joked. "Worth a shot."
"I’d better go."
"Can I ask you something?" Dwayne asked as I was at the door.
"What?"
"Who told you Hunter hit on Adam?"
I sighed, not wanting to get into that lie. "I don’t know. I guess one of the Alliance guys told me something and I took it the wrong way."
"Well you won’t have to worry about him much longer."
"How’s that?"
"You don’t know?"
I shook my head.
"He finally decided to call it a career. He’s going out at WrestleMania in April. Guess he and Stephanie are serious about starting a family now. They’re looking into in-vitro and all that."
"I thought there wasn’t a problem."
"No, as far as I’ve heard there isn’t, but I guess they’re covering all their bases just in case." He chuckled. "Man, I don’t know what scares me more, Hunter being a doting daddy or the thought of little Helmsleys running around."
I looked at him. Oh Dwayne if you only knew.
For the first time in a while, I was late getting to the hotel after being swamped by fans at the arena and the lobby was no different. Adam had managed to sneak out with Rob after his match, which was before mine.
Finally making it to our room, I opened the door and saw Adam lying on the bed, his head at the foot of the bed, asleep. Setting my bag on the other bed, I walked over and crouched down next to him and stared at his handsome face.
Here I was trying to keep from burdening him with my problems and he was worrying about burdening me with his. Brushing back his hair, freshly lightened that day, I decide this ‘protecting’ each other had to stop, knowing it was what could drive us away from each other and into the arms of others.
I ran my thumb over the bandage he wore over his right eye and watched with a smile as he stirred and opened his eyes. "Hi," I whisper, kissing the bandage. "I thought you’d gone out with Rob."
"I’m all partied out." He says with a chuckle, hugging the pillow. "I thought you might’ve gone out though."
"No. Got mobbed."
"Mmm, must’ve been fun."
"Most of it was. Got a few more teddy bears, a few more lacy thongs and signed more breasts and thighs than what’s in a poultry section."
"Hmm, the thought of you in a lacy thong sounds good right now." He reached out to run his fingers through my hair.
"I’m not wearing those things. They itch."
"Oh come on, just once?"
We laughed.
"Can I ask you something?" I say.
"Sure."
"You might not like where I’m heading with this."
"Go for it."
"That night at Tanzania, who kissed who? Did Dwayne kiss you or did you kiss him?"
He sighed. "I kissed him. Like I said I had too much to drink and we got carried away and besides, Billy and Test dared us."
"Which Billy?"
"Gunn."
"Now there’s an odd couple."
"Tell me about it. When they kissed, I almost asked them what the other had in their stomachs."
I laughed again.
"And I guess it was my way of paying you back for kissing Shane." He continued.
"I guess I did hurt you with that didn’t I?"
"Yeah. You did, but it’s done and over with as it is with me and Dwayne."
"Is it?"
"I told him I loved you. That nothing would change that. Even if we were both acting kinda stupid at the time. What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Is it over with Shane?"
"It never got started, but I do have to confess something."
"This isn’t good." He sighed.
"I know, but if I’m not totally honest with you I’m just afraid it’ll drive you to Dwayne."
"I told you, there was nothing between us."
"I know, I know, but I don’t want to keep things from you anymore. This ‘protecting’ each other is just hurting us."
"Okay," he said with a sigh. "Let me have it."
Christ I didn’t know how to tell him. "The night I went to see grandfather wasn’t the only time I kissed him."
He was silent, though I could see the hurt in his face. "How many times?"
"Two more."
"Where?"
"The attic during the picnic and when he brought me home from the hospital."
"Christ." He sat up. "Were those the only times?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Listen I’m sorry."
"And here you tell me there’s nothing between the two of you."
"There isn’t."
"Isn’t there?" he asks. "C’mon Matt. Once I might’ve let slide, twice I could forgive but three times? Jesus. If that’s not something going on I don’t know what is."
"We never went to bed together."
"Oh that’s reassuring." He stands and begins walking around the room.
"Adam . . ."
"What the hell is happening to us Matt?" he asks from the balcony door that he’s looking out of. "It used to be we were all we ever needed. As long as we had each other we were happy, but now…" He shook his head. "Maybe we weren’t meant to be forever. Maybe we just deluded ourselves into thinking we were."
I sat on the floor and rested my head back against the edge of the bed. "So what are you saying?" I ask dreading the answer.
"I’m saying, we’re not a pair of fourteen and twelve year olds trapped in an attic anymore. At least not physically."
"You ask me how I feel about Shane. How do you feel about Dwayne? And be blunt I can take it." Though I doubted I could.
He sighed. "I don’t know how I feel about him. I’ve been so wrapped up in our problems that I haven’t noticed how he feels."
"It’s not what he feels, it’s what you feel that I want to know about."
He turns to look at me, leaning against the doorjamb and crossing his arms. "Okay. As I said, I don’t know how I feel about him, but we’ve hung out together, spent time together and though I don’t know how he feels about me, I think I’m starting to like him. I don’t want to. I still love you and I’d like to save what we have, but if you’re going to go around and kiss Shane every chance you get, then what can I do?"
"I don’t kiss Shane every chance I get."
"Seems like it."
"You know, if we didn’t just have a vacation, I’d ask for some time off and see if we can’t straighten things out between us."
"Matt, it probably wouldn’t matter if we took another vacation or not. We’re both having feelings for two different people and it’s something we have to start dealing with. Time off or not."
It was quiet between us for a long time, neither of us sure what to say next.
"So where do we go from here?" I venture.
"I don’t know. Do you?"
I didn’t and that’s what worried me.
28
Our next day off found us in San Francisco where we were staying in anticipation of the SmackDown taping to take place the next night.
Things were still a bit tense between Adam and me but not in the way you’d think. We’d decided to hang in there and try to make it work for us, but every time I saw him around Dwayne, my little green eyed monster would act up and it didn’t help that after only a week, Shane was back on the road with us under strict instructions he was not to come near me unless business dictated it.
Tired of being cooped up in my room and not wanting to go shopping, I decide to head outside, taking my journal with me and after finding a park near the hotel, I sit under a tree and open the journal to where I’d left off and write about the one relationship I know would’ve worked out if tragedy hadn’t split them up; Jeff and Raven.
The years we spent with Mick and Collette were the best times of our lives – still are actually- though we still had nightmares and Adam had his night terrors, Jeff seemed to have blossomed while there from the quiet, painfully shy eleven year old genius to a now boisterous fourteen year old stunner who attracted attention from both sexes as we walked the streets of Miami, having been the cause of a couple of car accidents while out with me and Adam from people who couldn’t keep their eyes off him.
He still had nightmares of Gerald and still didn’t like to be touched by anyone he didn’t know, but he opened up more and more as time went on.
By now Adam had graduated high school and was helping Mick out at the wrestling school Mick had begun running with Al and another wrestler. I was in my senior year of school and Jeff was a junior.
At first school was a living hell for us with all the kids either picking on us because of our ‘northern’ accents or because Jeff being so small, or for some other stupid reason leading to a shitload of suspensions for fighting for the three of us, but by now things had settled and the troublemakers we had to deal with were gone now and we had some friends, though I did tend to worry about Jeff’s friends, one in particular; Shannon Moore, a rich kid from the Palm Beach area who moved here shortly after Jeff started his junior year.
To say Shannon wasn’t flashy was an understatement. His family owned some sort of computer company and he wasn’t shy about showing off the money he’d get for an allowance, whether it would be the new Porsche his parents bought him for his birthday, a Rolex watch he’d wear the way other people wore Timex’s or the house he’d invite Jeff to some nights. I was always worried that Shannon and his clique would take some opportunity to take advantage of Jeff because of his age and hurt him, but it seemed that while Shannon was a snotty rich kid to everyone else, he was actually genuinely friendly with Jeff, often coming over and hanging with him and showing him the ins and outs of using his computer, even showing Jeff how to hack into the school’s computer, something Collette put a stop to when she caught them trying to change their grades one time.
His appearance wasn’t shy either. His hair was streaked blonde and black and everything he wore had a designer label on it and whenever he got tired of wearing whatever it was he wore, he’d often let Jeff have it seeing how they were the same size. By the end of the semester, Jeff had quite the wardrobe courtesy of Shannon.
But what worried me the most was the way Shannon would brag about going out to the clubs and partying. Keep in mind, Shannon was only sixteen and some of the places he’d go to were pretty outrageous, whether they be gay bars, rock clubs or dance clubs and it bothered me the way he’d brag about how he could get anyone to buy him as many drinks as he wanted. Now by this time Jeff was going through the terrible teens, wanting his freedom but afraid if he pushed too hard that he might be sent back to the attic as punishment. It was getting to a point where we had to ask Shannon not to talk about going to the clubs afraid it would give Jeff ideas, but by then it was too late as I found out through a conversation I accidentally overheard when I went to Jeff’s room to see if I could borrow a CD to listen to while studying.
I cracked the door open and saw Jeff, his hair now taking on the hues of a confused color job, courtesy of Shannon who thought three colors would look good with Jeff’s complexion. When he’d come home that night, Collette asked him to remove his hat and after much quibbling during which Shannon, who came home with him encouraging him to show us, he removed the hat and I just about died when I saw the blue, purple and red colors in his hair. Adam just about died too – of laughter, which didn’t sit too well with Jeff, sending him flying to his room where he was on the phone now with Shannon, who’d left shortly after the revelation.
"I don’t know Shan," I heard Jeff say. "He’s nice and all but isn’t he a little too old for me."
A pause.
"I know, I know, he is cute, but why would he be interested in me?"
Another pause.
"He said that?"
Another pause.
"Wow. He thinks I’m cute?"
Pause.
"He wasn’t just saying that? He really told Tommy he thought I was cute?"
Pause.
"Well I’ve thought of calling him but I don’t know if the number he gave me is his real number."
Pause.
"Oh it’s to his cell phone. But what if I call him and he doesn’t want to talk to me?"
Pause.
"No I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try." He was chewing on his thumbnail, a habit I thought he’d long quit.
Pause.
"I mean the worst that could happen is he’d tell me to leave him alone. Right?"
Pause, followed by a giggle from Jeff.
"Yeah. But what do I call him? Raven or Scott?"
Pause.
"Either one’s okay then?"
Pause.
"I don’t know. I like Raven better. It’s mysterious like him."
Pause.
"Okay, okay, I’ll give him a call or at least try to. Hey do you know when ECW will be back in Miami?"
Pause.
"No I was just wondering cause maybe I could wait until then and see him."
Pause.
"All right, all right. I’ll call him before then. Who knows maybe we could double? You and Tommy and me and Raven?"
By then I tapped on his door to let my presence be known.
He looks up at me. "Okay Shan," he sits up. "Listen I’ve got to go. I’ll see you at school tomorrow. Mmm-hmm. Bye." He hangs up the phone before looking at me. "Hey Matt."
"Another marathon session with Shannon?" I entered the room and sat on the corner of his bed.
"Yeah. I’ve got a math test to study for and all he wants to do is discuss his latest conquest."
"By the sounds of it you managed to get one as well."
He was all innocence. "What do you mean?"
"I heard you before I knocked." I admitted. "So who’s Raven?"
"A friend of Shannon’s boyfriend," he dismissed with a shrug.
"How did you meet?"
"Through Shannon. They came by his house the other day." He rested his chin on a bended knee.
"How old is he?"
"Not that old."
"How old?"
He sighed. "I remember when you used to jump all over me for eavesdropping."
"And I remember when you didn’t try and hide things from me." I replied. "So where did you really meet Raven?"
"I told you."
"Listen, I’m not going to get mad. I just worry about you, especially since you’ve been hanging around Shannon."
"Shannon’s my friend."
"I know, but he moves with a wild crowd and I don’t want you to get hurt because of him."
"You just can’t stand to see me hang around with anyone but you and Adam."
"Jeff that’s not true."
"Isn’t it? I see how you act every time he comes over and I saw how you looked at him when I showed you my hair. You looked like you wanted to pound him."
"Well to say it was a shock to see him do that to your hair is an understatement."
"He didn’t do it. I did. He just helped me with it."
"So, where did you meet Raven?"
"At Crobar."
My eyes must’ve bulged out of my head. "How the hell did you get in there?"
"Shannon knows the owner."
I just bet he did. "When did you go?"
"A couple nights ago."
"When you said you’d be at Shannon’s?"
He nodded.
"Christ Jeff, what the hell were you thinking?"
"I thought it’d be fun."
"Fun?" I tried not to switch into ‘Mom’ mode, but I couldn’t help it. "Do you know what kind of people go to those places?"
"Yeah. They’ve been pretty nice to me when I’ve gone in."
Now I know there was more to the story. "How many times have you been there?"
He shrugs. "I don’t know. Three, maybe four times."
I couldn’t believe this.
"You’re going to tell Collette aren’t you?"
"Give me one reason why I shouldn’t?"
"I don’t want Shannon to get into any trouble."
"Why the hell shouldn’t he? For God sakes, it’s bad enough he goes to these places, but to take you along?"
"I wanted to go."
"I know you do kid, but there’s a reason why there’s an age limit to these places. For God’s sake you’re only fourteen years old! You shouldn’t be going out to these clubs and you shouldn’t be trying to hook up with some friend of Shannon’s boyfriend, who’s probably older than his father."
"Not really. Tommy’s only twenty six."
"Twenty six?"
"Yeah, but Raven is so nice, Matt."
"I just bet he is. He’ll probably come after you the way Gerald did."
His childlike features darkened. "He’s nothing like Gerald. He’s nice and he respects me."
"Yeah until the first time you tell him ‘no’. Then what?" I got up.
"Matt, please don’t tell her."
"Kid I’m sorry, but I can’t stand by and let Shannon get you into trouble like this."
"Matt!" I heard him shout as I headed downstairs. "Matt don’t!"
I got downstairs and saw Mick sitting in the living room. "Where’s Collette?"
"She had to go to the hospital because of a patient, why?"
"It’s Jeff." God I felt guilty, but I had to protect him.
"What’s wrong? Is he sick?" Mick set aside his paper.
"No. It’s Shannon, he’s been taking Jeff to the Crobar and now he’s trying to hook Jeff up with some guy named Raven."
"Raven?" Mick raised his eyebrows.
"You know him?"
"Yeah, he’s in ECW with me."
"How well do you know him?"
"I know he’s a little messed in the head. If you think Shannon was wild, Raven probably could teach him a thing or two."
"How messed is he?"
"I’ve heard rumors of drugs and alcohol problems and that he’s probably warmed more beds than any mat rat that I’ve known."
"Christ," I whisper, the thought of that guy laying his hands on my baby brother was too much.
"Listen," he stood. "I’ll go talk to Jeff."
"He hates me."
"Well he will for a while, but you did right by telling me this. Now I’m not saying Raven is the anti-Christ or anything but a thirty year old shouldn’t be trying to hook up with a fourteen year old boy."
"He’s thirty?" I was shocked. What the hell was Jeff thinking?
Mick nodded. "I’ll go deal with this." He clapped me on the shoulder. "And when I get back on the road, I’ll have a talk with Raven about this as well."
I watched Mick leave the room and head upstairs, knowing this was going to be one knock down drag out scream fest.
I’m interrupted briefly by a stray Frisbee landing by my feet. When I toss it back to its owner, I resume writing.
Things were pretty tense for a while at the Foley household.
Jeff wouldn’t speak to anyone and he wasn’t allowed to hang out with Shannon other than at school and even then that was limited, because I kept my eye on them and Mick had talked to Raven about staying away from Jeff whenever he came to Miami.
But it wouldn’t last long.
One night after calling and saying he was going to be at another friend’s house, Collette called to check on him and found out he wasn’t there and then was told by the mother that her son said he’d be with us.
Mick, Collette and Adam went out while I stayed at home. They called and said they’d tried Crobar but he wasn’t there and asked if I knew of any other club he’d gone to with Shannon. I told them I didn’t know.
Three anxious hours went by before there was arguing in our front yard. I got off the sofa where I had been watching television and saw Mick and Collette giving the guy I assumed was Raven hell about being with Jeff while Jeff tried to explain things.
"I told you Levy when I came back on the road you were not to go anywhere near him." Mick said.
"He’s only fourteen for God’s sake Scott," came Collette's voice. "What the hell are you thinking?"
"I’m thinking that maybe I’m in love with him and that he feels the same way."
"But he’s only a child-"
"I am not!" Jeff shouted. "I love him and he loves me, why can’t you just leave us alone?"
"I can give you a sixteen year age difference reason why not." Adam snapped.
"Jeff, honey, get in the house."
"No! I love him."
"Jeff please get in the house." Collette repeated.
He stood his ground until Raven said something and then he came inside, where he glared at me. "Thanks a fucking lot!" he shouted.
"Jeff . . ."
"Why can’t you see that I love him?" He was in tears by now. "And he loves me! Do you hear that Matt? He loves me! Why can’t you accept that?"
"He’s thirty years old for God’s sake."
"So what? How is my being in love with him any different than what you and Adam have done?"
He couldn’t have shocked me more than if he had slapped me.
"What? You didn’t think I knew about the two of you? I saw you in the attic Matt. After the first time Gerald raped me I came upstairs and I saw you kissing Adam and it was no innocent kiss either."
"Jeff . . ."
"And you have the nerve to stand there and pass judgment about me and Raven? Well at least I’m not related to him and at least he cares more about my feelings than his hormones." With that he headed upstairs.
I heard a sound and saw Adam standing there in as much shock as I was feeling. "He knows," I said.
"I heard. Oh God," he sighed, looking at me. "Can things get any worse?"
They would but not for a long time yet.
A shadow blocked my sun and I looked up hoping it wasn’t a fan and gave a sigh of relief when I saw it was Amy in all her flame haired glory. "This a private party?"
I closed the journal. "Have a seat." I motioned to the spot next to me.
She sat Indian style wearing a pair of jeans, a "Baby Doll" tank top and sneakers. She was also eating an orange. "I didn’t know if I should come over or not."
"Why’s that?"
"You looked so intense while you were writing, I didn’t want to disturb you."
"I was just writing about Jeff."
"You still miss him don’t you?"
I nodded.
"I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but I never could understand why he did it. He was such a sweetheart." She peeled off a slice.
"He was." I had to fight back the tears pricking behind my eyelids.
"Think it had something to do with Raven?"
I shook my head. Christ why do people still think it had something to do with Raven?
"So how are things with you and Adam?"
"Tense. We’re trying to work things out."
"Can’t be too easy with Shane back and Adam and Dwayne hanging around each other."
"I have to trust Adam." She offered me an orange slice, which I turned down. "I don’t know Ames, I mean only a couple weeks ago we were celebrating our fifth anniversary and now we’re on the verge of splitting up."
"Yeah life has a funny way of throwing you a curveball from time to time, but it’s how you catch the ball and throw it back that makes the difference."
I nod.
"But I have noticed things have changed with you two since you’ve gotten back."
That’s because so much had happened, I want to say but don’t. So much has changed.
"So, has Adam started therapy yet?" she asks.
"We’re trying to work out a schedule so he could see her. It’s not fair to have her fly back and forth from where we are to Florida and Adam can’t do the same so we’re considering teleconferencing."
"With web cams?"
"Possibly or over the phone."
"That’s good. Maybe he can finally get his demons behind him and once he does you two can work on your relationship."
If only it was that easy. The only way Adam would get rid of his demons is if Dad died tomorrow and grandfather joined him. Even then I doubt it would work.
"Well," she stands up, placing the orange peels in her hand. "I’ll let you get back to your journal and I’ll see you later."
"Bye," I say, watching her sashay toward a garbage can to drop the peels in before heading off to the hotel. For a couple minutes I think about what her ‘curveball’ analogy and wonder how Adam and I plan to catch and throw this one back.
Wanting to take advantage of the quiet, I continue writing.
After countless arguments, we finally let Jeff continue to see Raven but with strict rules; When Raven was in Miami he had to come to the house where we could keep an eye on them. They were to never go upstairs to Jeff’s room, though Jeff did show Raven his room, but that was under Adam’s watchful eye. The relationship was to not affect Jeff’s grades, for if he got lower than a B- in any of his classes, they wouldn’t see each other until the grades improved. And if Jeff went to the arena to watch an ECW card, he had to stay in Mick’s dressing room or in the hallway where everyone could keep an eye on them, though given some of the things I’d seen while I went with Jeff one night, I think keeping him in Mick’s room was a better idea.
Then there was Shannon.
Once again, Mick and Collette laid down the law; Jeff, whenever he went over to Shannon’s had to call home every couple of hours and then had to have Shannon’s mom confirm they were home, though they did try to pass the maid off as Shannon’s mom once or twice. And if there had even been a sighting of either of them at Crobar and any other hotspot, not only would the owners call and let us know they were there, courtesy of Collette calling and informing the owners she knew about them and their ages, they could kiss their hanging out together goodbye. For some reason, Shannon took to the rules better than Jeff, who grumbled about them. Maybe it was because Shannon’s parents were too busy to pay him any mind and thought having someone lay down the law like Mick and Collette did was something of a novelty, but what sealed the deal was if they ever got caught partying, Jeff wouldn’t be allowed to see Raven at all and that scared Jeff more than anything.
Adam and I were still reeling from Jeff’s admission over seeing us together and were more careful than ever about concealing our feelings for each other. Sometimes we’d slip a look or a quick brush of hands but that would be about it. By now Adam was taking some training to be a wrestler from Mick and Al and he would come home sore and griping about it, but suggest he quit if he hated it so much, and he’d totally change his tune.
But there was one night we finally did get to be alone.
Mick, Collette and Jeff went to Collette's parents’ house for dinner. Adam couldn’t go because he was still sore from the training that day and I begged off saying I had to study for my finals.
Finally alone, we were in his room. He lay on his stomach and I straddled his back rubbing the Icy Hot into his muscles.
"Mmm …" he sighed. "That feels so good."
"What? The Icy Hot or my massage?"
"Both. So looking forward to graduating?"
"Yes thank God. I’ll be so glad to get out of there."
"That’s what I thought when I graduated." He turned onto his back and stared up at me. "I don’t want to upset you, but guess who came by the facility today?"
"Who?"
"Dad."
I gaped at him. "You’re shitting me?"
He shook his head slowly. "Nope. He just walks in like he owned the place. He came with Vince to check out the prospects."
"Did he recognize you?"
"No." It was then I first noticed the fear that would come into his eyes whenever he talked about Dad.
"How did Mick introduce you?"
"By my ring name."
When Adam turned eighteen and began wrestling, he decided to legally change his last name to Copeland so that no one would ever link our father to him.
"What did he say to you?"
"Nothing. He mostly talked to Mick about the feuds they’d had and Vince wanting him to take on the commissioner’s role. Al trained us today."
I didn’t say anything as I wiped my hands off.
"I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you."
"I’m not upset. It’s just…" I shook my head.
"I know. You want him to pay for what happened."
I nodded, trying to keep my emotions under control. "Especially for Chris."
"Come here," Adam held his arms out.
"Sure it’s a good idea?"
"They’re out for the evening and we can hear them when they return, besides, you have no idea how much I’ve missed you."
I leaned down, resting my head on his chest. I felt his arms around me stroking my back and heard his heartbeat pound in my ear. When he kissed the top of my head, I looked at him and saw the same look he’d give me when he wanted me. He touched my face and I could feel the both of us getting harder by the second. "I need you," he whispered, before kissing me on the lips, his tongue parting mine.
I pulled away but not for the reason you think.
"What’s wrong?"
"I’d better wash this stuff off my hands."
He laughs as I climb off him and the bed to head for the bathroom where as I washed my hands, I looked in the mirror and see how flushed I get. A part of me knows this is so wrong, that I shouldn’t let Adam affect me like this, especially since we weren’t in the attic anymore, but that part is silenced when I leave the bathroom and see him naked and waiting for me with the bedcover down. I’m utterly speechless when I see how stunning he is, the weight training and the wrestling has given him a lean hard form that is almost statue like in appearance, but I knew that the vision in front of me isn’t made of marble but smooth flesh, flesh I longed to get my hands on as I undress slowly per Adam’s instructions.
Finally getting in next to him, every surface nerve I have is electric as our bodies touch. I’d almost forgotten how wonderful his mouth feels against mine and how expert his hands are at arousing me to a point of no return. He puts me on my back and begins kissing every inch of me as he makes his way down to my throbbing erection, pausing only to tease my nipples until I cry out from the pain of their hypersensitivity. I twine my fingers in his hair as he teases me with his mouth and I moan loudly as he finally takes me in his mouth, which is so hot I’m afraid it will burn me from the contact and by the time he makes me come I’m beside myself, begging for him not to stop and nearly screaming as I have the first orgasm with him for so long, my body arching so high I nearly lift him off the mattress with me.
He then makes his way back to my lips where I taste myself for the first time on his lips, something that makes me almost hard again. He then pulls back and then offers me a finger. Not sure as to what he wants me to do, I hesitate. He kisses me before saying, "Suck on it."
I take it in my mouth and run my tongue over its ridges, wishing it were his cock I was sucking instead until he pulls it out, wet with my saliva. He moves back down between my legs, placing my ankles over his shoulder and slides the finger into my opening, a sensation that is like no other, especially when he moves it around. He slides a second one in making me gasp in pain.
"You okay?" He asks.
I nod, allowing myself to get used to the sensation.
"Remember when we were in New York City? And I took you that time?" he begins stroking me gently as though he has all the time in the world, while his fingers are still in me.
I nod, my head spinning. Vaguely I remember how he had pressed me up against the wall in one of the rooms in the building we squatted in and how every thrust he made felt like I was being torn apart.
"It’s going to be similar to that but I promise you it won’t hurt as much. Okay?"
"Yes." I gasp.
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes." I say before moaning as he removes the fingers and this time replaces them with his cock, making me moan again. Both he and his hand are slow at first but it doesn’t take long for the rhythm and his breathing to pick up. The only sounds in that room were of my gasping, begging for him to fuck me and his own breathing as he obliged, eventually placing one hand on the head board as he began slamming into me harder and harder until I felt liquid heat shoot in me, letting out a cry so primal that I’m surprised that the neighbors hadn’t called the police that night.
After I let out one of my own as I came in his hand, Adam collapsed on top of me, the both of us gasping for air. "God I’ve missed you," he pants.
I laugh as we held each other warm, sweaty and sticky. He made love to me twice more before we dozed off, certain we had enough time to recuperate before everyone came home, not knowing that when they came home, Collette found us asleep in each other’s arms.
My eyes growing bleary, I look at my watch and see it’s almost seven thirty and the sun was going down. Not believing I had been out here all this time, I close the journal and stand up, my joints aching as I did so, and headed for the hotel.
29
At the SmackDown taping, I was tying my boots when I heard the door whoosh open. Not bothering to look up, I watch as a hand set a sheet of paper down next to me. "Your script for tonight," a familiar voice said.
I look to my left and see Shane standing next to me. "Thank you." I say, moving it to one side as I lift my other foot to tie the laces.
"So how have you been?"
"I thought you weren’t supposed to be anywhere near me unless business dictated it."
"It did. I had to bring your script in."
"One of the Production Assistants could’ve done that."
"What and wear out one of those poor kids?" Shane sits on the bench near my stuff. "So how have you been doing?"
"Fine until you showed up."
"I heard that you and Adam were having problems again."
"Nothing we can’t get through."
"I don’t know. If it were my husband kissing Dwayne I’d be pretty pissed."
"Well at least I have a husband and not a reputation for being the welcoming bed warmer. Tell me Shane, how many of the new guys have you banged since they’ve been here? Are you going after the top names or working your way through the alphabet?" Christ was I being a bitch or what?
"Sounds like hubby’s attitude is rubbing off." He says softly.
"I promised Vince to stay away from you. Why can’t you do the same thing?"
"You know why."
"Just go. Adam’ll be back soon."
"When? Before or after he gets done playing tonsil hockey with Dwayne?"
I grabbed him by the shirtfront and hauled him to his feet. "There is nothing going on between he and Dwayne just like there will never be anything between you and me, so why don’t you take your sick delusionary fantasies and go inflict them on someone else?"
The door whooshed open again, catching me by surprise, and ever the opportunist, Shane grabbed me by the back of my head and planted another kiss on me.
"You son of a bitch!"
I moved out of the way just as Adam tore through the room, past me and attacked Shane, slamming right hands at his head. Dwayne wasn’t far behind and grabbed Adam off Shane.
"Easy man, easy." I heard Dwayne try and calm.
"And you!" Adam pointed at me. "You swore there was nothing going on and what do I see?"
"He grabbed me!"
"I don’t care! Let go!" He wiggled out of Dwayne’s grasp. "This is it! I have had it! Every time I turn around you’re all over Shane and I’m sick of it!"
By now there had been a small crowd gathering by the door including Dad and Stephanie, but I didn’t care. "And what about you and Dwayne then?" I shot back.
"I only kissed him once! Once!" he held up an index finger. "You know what? You two deserve each other." He walked over and gathered his things. "Since you’re so fucking hot to kiss Shane all the fucking time, you can do it whenever you want now and here." He took off his commitment ring and threw it at me. "Obviously it doesn’t mean shit to you so why should it to me?"
Amidst the startled gasps and whispers of our audience, Adam stormed out of the room, with you guessed it, Dwayne following right behind.
"Matt?"
I bent down and picked the ring up. Looking at it, I swear I’d never been so angry with not only Shane, but myself as well.
"Matt?"
Hearing Shane’s voice, I swung blindly and nailed him right in the face and for a second I thought I could hear his nose break, something that sounded so good to me right now. I hear Stephanie shout and watch as she flew by to tend to her baby brother. "You better get him out of here," I warn, my tone dangerous, "or that won’t be the only thing I do to him."
I watch her lead him out of the dressing room and for a second I make eye contact with my father and see something in his face, what it was I don’t know. After the crowd dispersed and I was alone, I sat down and stared at the simple platinum band that had once adorned Adam’s hand. I remember what Dwayne said about Shane wanting to break me and Adam up.
Well congratulations, Boy Wonder, you succeeded.
It’s weird having a room to myself.
Not that I haven’t had one to myself before, but usually it would be while I was waiting for Adam to come in.
I sit at the table near the balcony doors and stare out them, Stabbing Westward playing on my portable stereo. I found out that Adam was rooming not with Dwayne but one of the new guys, Storm I think his name was, and that was after I received one hell of an ass ripping from Trish over what happened.
"Christ Matt, how could you?" her words echo in my head, knowing that any kind of defense I may have had wouldn’t go over with her or anyone else who knew our situation.
I silently prayed that Adam wouldn’t have a night terror that night though since he told me what happened, they seemed to decrease somewhat.
I turn my attention from the non-scenery and look at the journal in front of me. I really didn’t feel like dredging up the past especially in light of what went down, but I opened it needing to get my mind on something else other that the pain and misery of losing Adam.
"Matt, Adam, could I talk to you two for a minute?" Collette asked the next morning.
Mick had taken Jeff to school an hour before. Today was one of my legal ‘skip’ days, where the school let you have a day off to study for finals.
We were sitting in the dining room when Collette asked her question.
"Sure, but I can’t be long. Mick’s picking me up for training-"
"And I’ve got to get to work on my essay."
"It won’t take long I promise." For a second she looked as though she didn’t know how to bring up the subject. "I guess there’s no easy way to put this. Last night when we came home, I found you two in bed together."
Adam and I flashed looks at each other.
"And I was wondering how long have you two been lovers?"
I felt my face get hot.
"Since the attic," Adam said softly.
"You know this is wrong." Her tone was non-judgmental. "You two shouldn’t be doing this."
"We know." Adam replied. "But you have no idea what it was like there. What we told you only scratched the surface."
"I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have turned to each other but you have been out for almost three years now. You should think of seeing other people for your gratification."
Now I know my face is hot.
"You think that’s all it is between Matt and I? Just getting our rocks off? I mean no disrespect, but there’s more between us than sex."
"I can tell, but you two have Jeff to think about. How is it going to look to him knowing his brothers are sleeping together?"
Neither of us had the nerve to tell her that he knew.
"I’m not going to dictate to you as to who you see and who you don’t see, your preferences are up to you, but I don’t think this relationship the two of you has is healthy for either of you and I know it wouldn’t be healthy for Jeff. With that said I think it’s best if Adam moved into the other guest room by mine and Mick’s room."
"What about his nightmares?" I asked.
"I’ll be right there if his night terrors should come up and I also think it’ll be a good idea not to leave the two of you alone when we go out. We’ll work something out when the events arise but for now this is how it has to be. You’re no longer in the attic. You don’t have to rely on each other for any form of intimacy other than brotherly. I know I sound like a heartless bitch and yes I don’t have any idea about what the three of you went through in the attic, but as I said, coming home and finding my sons naked in bed together is not normal. I’m sorry but that has to be how it is for now and forever."
What amazed me was throughout her speech, her tone never took on a judgmental tone. It was firm, but polite, letting us know that while she was trying to understand what we were doing, she wasn’t condoning it.
Graduation came and I along with the rest of my class had a blowout to rival all others before or after. In fact the neighbors are still complaining to this day about it. A week later I found myself at the school with Mick and Al watching Adam and now Jeff go through the motions of training. For some reason Jeff got it in his fifteen year old head that he wanted to be a wrestler like Raven, who still came by the house every time ECW came to Miami, of course around this time though, he was making plans to head to WCW, something Jeff wasn’t too thrilled about since it meant they wouldn’t see each other as much due to the picked up schedule.
I couldn’t help but be in awe over how fluidly Adam moved in the ring and how risky Jeff would be with some of his maneuvers.
"Look fun to you?" Mick asked me one day.
"In a way." I hadn’t thought of becoming a wrestler, remembering how long our parents would be gone on the road and how sore they would be when they got back, but it had been something I’d been thinking a lot about at the time, especially after seeing the stature our father’s career had grown to, main eventing at WrestleMania and the rumors of television and movie roles. Yet as time went on, the idea appealed to me, especially since it would allow me a chance to get close enough to him and hopefully find out what happened the night our mother had died. At the time, we didn’t suspect he had anything to do with it, we believed it had been an accident but Adam and I were curious how Mom could’ve died from a fall she’d done hundreds of times before, one time in front of the twins scaring them so badly she had to leave them home whenever she was called upon to take a dive off the stage.
But what seemed like a good idea quickly changed after I began training two weeks later.
Imagine your worst body ache and magnify it by a hundred, not to mention the constant dizziness from slamming your head on the mat without meaning to and the nausea from the dizziness and you have a pretty good idea what it was like. Not to mention being yanked, pulled and thrown into things. I remember Jeff telling me how much fun he had. Goes to show my little shadow has either a sick sense of humor or a masochistic streak I knew nothing about. And don’t even try to get any sympathy from Adam, who just giggled whenever I laid out my litany of aches, pains and other maladies.
Who knew Mick would turn out to be such a drill sergeant, and Al, who would take over when Mick was on the road, was no better.
It would be another year before we were ready for any real in ring competition, by now Adam was twenty-one, I was nineteen and Jeff was sixteen and fresh out of high school. I was amazed when Raven actually came to Jeff’s graduation. He’d looked so different when he was dressed up in a casual suit and his tangle of curls pulled back in a ponytail and according to some of Mick’s friends in WCW, he was straightening himself out, laying off the booze and the drugs and sleeping by himself more often than not with a photo he had of he and Jeff as the only companion he’d have in his hotel room, other than his fellow wrestlers who he shared a room with. He made a casual remark to Mick about how Jeff was his reason for turning himself around, saying how he wanted to be someone Jeff would be proud to be seen with.
A month or so after Jeff’s graduation, we were given a chance to start wrestling for a small independent organization that toured the southeast even going as far up as the Carolinas where we’d found out while in Cameron for an autograph signing that our old house was up for sale. The morning after, the three of us had driven out to take a look at it and saw it hadn’t changed a bit since we left and the three of us were overcome with such emotions at the memories we all had, especially of Christian and Mom, it took us a few days before we could make an offer with Mick and Collette's help. We decided Adam and I would live there with Jeff visiting, since he was technically still a minor.
I know I said that he’d come and visit during weekends and school visits, but sometimes hindsight isn’t always twenty-twenty and it isn’t until I write this that I realize my error and apologize for it.
Finally on our own, Adam and I were allowed to be as close as we’d been before even sharing our parents’ bedroom and for a while things were good between us.
The phone rings, distracting me from writing.
I glance over at it debating whether or not to answer it. A part of me wants to in case it’s Adam, but another part holds off dreading that it’s Shane. Eventually the phone decides for me as it stops ringing after five rings.
Sighing, I return to the journal.
One day, we got the call.
Mick had told us that Vince had seen some of our matches, especially those of me and Jeff tagging together, and wanted to give us some ‘dark match’ tryouts. The three of us were both excited and nervous for various reasons. Adam was nervous because it meant having to be near Dad and I was nervous because I was afraid he’d recognize us, but Jeff was excited because it meant he and Raven, who’d been signed by Vince after a brief stint back in ECW, could be together all the time now, a proposition that worried me and Adam. For a while we’d been trying to encourage Jeff to see other people, having been so wrapped up in Raven for about two years now and we didn’t think it was healthy for him to be so exclusive so young, but all that brought about were arguments between us and our little brother. Arguments that would eventually push him to search out our father’s approval and seal his young fate.
I close the journal for tonight anyways and dig Adam’s ring out of my pants pocket. We’d gotten ‘married’ while in the independents two years before getting the call and as I stare at my distorted reflection, I think back to that night when it was just he and I.
"Got the woodwork done," he’d announced as he walked toward me as I sat on one of the swings I’d just put up in the backyard.
"Good," I’d said. "One doorjamb down and thirty to go."
"Ha, ha." He said sitting next to me. "Well Mick, Collette and Jeff’ll be up this weekend maybe we could bribe baby brother into helping us."
"Good luck."
"God it’s beautiful out," he said looking up at the starlit sky.
"Yeah it is." I watched as he took my hand in his paint splattered one.
"Enough to give someone ideas." He wiggled his eyebrows.
"To do what?"
"We’ve got a lake and the next neighbor isn’t for miles." He stood up and began taking his shirt off.
"Yeah but the water has to be cold." It was early November.
"Well then, a quick dip," he pulled me up to him, "and then I’ll warm you up the way you like so much."
"Sounds good."
A couple of hours later, after a chilly swim and warm lovemaking, we lay on the small deck, which had been remodeled and just stared at each other, not saying a word. Adam had his hair lightened a bit after he started wrestling and it made his green eyes really stand out. I know it’s sick and warped to think of your brother as sexy but he was, at least to me and the many ‘mat rats’ that’d line up outside the venues after the show. Thinking about that, an idea popped in my head. One that would change our lives.
"Adam?"
"Hmm?" He sighed, while playing with my hair.
"Will you marry me?"
He blinked in surprise. "Come again?" His tone was of genuine surprise.
"Will you marry me?"
"I thought that’s what you said. What brought this on?"
"I don’t know." I shrugged. "It just came out."
"Are you serious? Because if you are, the answer’s yes."
Now I was surprised. "Really?"
"Yeah. I don’t see how it’d be a problem. No one knows we’re related, we both have different names."
After Jeff and I got into the sport, we’d changed our last names to Hardy as a bit of a joke, but once again to distance ourselves from our father and the hateful legacy we’d fought to rid ourselves of.
"But what about Mick and Collette?"
"They don’t have to know." He assured me. "Neither does Jeff. As long as we don’t make a big show out of it."
"Damn there goes that church wedding I’ve always wanted," I cracked.
"There is one small snag to the plan though."
I knew it. "What?"
"To get a domestic partnership license you have to have your blood drawn and if it got out we were brothers . . ."
"You’re right. I didn’t even think of that." Damn, I thought. As always it was something or another.
"But you know, no one has to know we don’t have a license. If it comes up we can say we haven’t filed for one yet or it got destroyed."
"You’re very sneaky Mr. Copeland."
"I learned it from you Mr. Hardy."
We laughed, which died when Adam took my hand in his. "I, Adam Joseph Copeland, take you, Matthew Moore Hardy as my somewhat lawfully wedded husband. Through good times and bad, which we’ve both been through, sickness and health and better or worse, let no one even think of tearing us apart."
"Amen." I said softly.
"Your turn."
I was trying so hard not to break out in giggles but the sincerity in his eyes kept me sober. "I, Matthew Moore Hardy, take you, Adam Joseph Copeland, as my somewhat lawfully wedded husband. Through good times and bad, though I can’t ever imagine it getting worse than it was in the attic, sickness and health, and better or worse, let no one ever think of tearing us apart."
Returning to the here and now, I think of how hopeful the words had sounded. I honestly believed that no one could tear us apart, but now alone in this hotel room, I realized someone had torn us apart, had shredded that bond that held us together for over five years and the years before.
I just didn’t know that person would’ve been me.
30
I took dinner in my dressing room that night, not wanting to go to the dining area and feel the glares of everyone there, not to mention seeing Adam sitting with someone else other than me.
There had been no major repercussions over what happened yesterday, other than my having to work Heat matches for a couple of weeks and be kept off Raw or SmackDown tapings during those two weeks. I was still allowed to compete which I knew I should be grateful for.
Shane for his part got an ass reaming of his own from Vince, who told him under no circumstances was he to come near me again unless there was another official with him. His nose wasn’t broken, but he had one hell of a squeaker from the punch I threw him.
Seeing how it would be another couple of hours before I was due to get in the ring, I pull out my journal which has become a bit of a crutch to me, but one I didn’t mind as it allowed me to get the past out of my system and since I didn’t have Adam to distract me much anymore, I figured I might as well write in it every chance I got. This time I write about what was to me the greatest loss since Chris and Mom had died and that was when Jeff committed suicide.
We were a year into being into the WWF, by now Adam had been handed a vampiric persona known as Edge, the name given to him when Vince noticed how ‘edgy’ he was around people, and had tagged with another wrestler named Dave Heath - known as Gangrel - as The Brood, while Jeff and I were still working our way up the ranks trying to earn our title shots. Things couldn’t be any better though I still worried about Jeff and Raven’s relationship, which ratcheted itself up another notch while we were hanging around the arena one afternoon.
Adam and I were hanging out at the ring talking with Dave and Mark over how the Ministry story was going to play itself out, when I saw Jeff approach us down the ramp with a small smile on his face. By now he was eighteen and though we didn’t have any real say over him anymore, he was still our baby brother, a thought that ignited a series of events that would lead to his passing.
"Hey kid," I greeted as he approached. God he looked so happy.
"Hi." He said, trying to put on an air of innocence, as he looked from me to Adam and then Dave and Mark, his emerald eyes sparkling with happy secrets. "So what’s going on?"
"Just wondering why you’ve got that silly grin on your face." Mark was never one for subtlety.
"No reason." He shrugs.
I saw he had his hands folded over his chest as though to hide something.
"I take it you’ve seen Raven today?" Dave smirked. He’d taken a liking to Jeff as many of the other wrestlers had. It was nothing sexual, knowing that if any of them came tried anything, Raven would eviscerate them without a second look. They just like the way he viewed the world with such enthusiasm and near innocence that even the most jaded of the lot thought differently of things.
"Mmm hmm." He nodded.
We all looked at each other as to wonder what was going on with him. He looked like he was going to burst if we didn’t ask the right question.
"Okay Jeff." I ventured. "What’s got you in such a good mood?"
With an impish grin, he held out his left hand and on his ring finger was a gold band with an inlaid ruby. "Raven asked me to marry him."
Adam and I looked at each other in shock as Dave and Mark congratulated him.
"Set a date?" Mark asked.
"There won’t be one." I said.
Jeff looked at me in shock. "What?"
"You’re not setting a date because you’re not getting married."
He looked at me as though I slapped him though in his mind I may have. "What do you mean?"
"You’re too young to get married."
"I’m eighteen."
"And you’ve been with Raven since you were fourteen."
"So?"
"Are you so sure you want to spend your life with the first person you’ve dated?"
"What’s so wrong with that?" He sighed. "You’ve never liked Raven. Ever since he and I got together you’ve made little comments and remarks about his past, which by the way he’s worked through. Why can’t you let me be happy?"
"I want you to be happy, but you’re too young to settle down right now."
"Well I don’t care what you think. Raven and I are getting married whether you like it or not."
"Jeff," Adam chimed in. "He’s just worried about you."
"And you’re another one. Why the hell can’t you two see how happy he makes me? Christ!" He stormed off, near tears.
"What’s your problem with Raven?" Dave asked me.
"I just think they’ve been together for too damn long and now this? He’s just tying himself to one person before he gets a chance to experience life."
"You guys got married and you had to have been what Matt? Nineteen?" Mark points out.
"It’s different."
"How?"
"Adam doesn’t have a reputation."
"You heard Jeff," Dave spoke. "Raven’s straightened himself out. Hell, according to Luna, Jeff’s the reason why he straightened out. You’ve got to cut Jeff a little slack. He’s eighteen. He has to make his own decisions."
"What if Raven relapses? Hmm? Starts drinking and drugging again, not to mention fucking anything with a pulse."
"From what I know the only person Raven’s been fucking is Jeff." Mark says.
"What?" Adam and I say in unison.
"Yeah it’s true. They’ve been doing it for a while now, at least according to Raven."
"Oh great. Now he’s bragging about their exploits." Adam said.
"That’s not the case." Mark said. "Glenn asked Raven what the noises out of his dressing room were from and he said it was he and Jeff."
I covered my face with my hands, not even wanting the images of Raven fucking my baby brother to enter my mind.
"Listen Matt, I know you’re concerned over Jeff, but if Raven makes him happy then let them be. If you keep pushing the way you have, you’re only going to push him away and that’s when the bad things happen."
If I’d only knew how right Mark would be.
I was tying my boots for that’s night match, when I heard a knock on my door.
"Come in."
The door whispered open and when I looked up I saw Raven looking at me. "I think you and I should have a talk," he says grabbing a chair and spinning it around to straddle it.
"So do I." I straightened up and leaned back.
"What the hell is your problem?" he asks. "It seems like no matter what, you’re always trying to undermine mine and Jeff’s relationship."
"I’m only looking out for him."
"Well if that were the case then maybe you should see how hurt he is every time you spout off."
"We both know the way to end that don’t we?"
"I’m not breaking up with him if that’s what you’re suggesting."
I lean forward. "I don’t know why Mick and Collette never pressed statutory rape charges against you."
"Because unlike you, they can see how happy Jeff and I are together."
"I don’t know how he can be, given your reputation."
"Past reputation." He corrected. "All the shit I did in the past is in the past for one reason and one reason only."
"Jeff?" I say skeptically.
"Exactly. I’m not going to get into what an asshole my father was and all the other bullshit I went through, but I never had a motivation for straightening my act out until I met Jeff."
"When he was only fourteen."
"His age didn’t matter."
"It should’ve. He was a child."
"Well he’s not one now is he? He’s eighteen and old enough to know what he wants."
"Old enough to know what he wants or old enough for you to finally get your hands all over him? Four years of pent up sexual frustration must’ve been hard on you Scott. Wanting to fuck him, but knowing if you did, your ass would wind up in the State Pen and then where would you be?"
"At least I never turned a blind eye to the fact he was being raped by some family friend."
My blood went cold. God what had Jeff told him and how much? "He told you that?" My voice sounded strange.
He nodded. "I went to kiss him goodbye one night and he panicked. Eventually he told me what happened. Why? Did you think something like that would break us up?"
"Would it?"
"I asked him to marry me didn’t I?"
"A marriage that is so not going to happen."
He sighed in irritation. "What the fuck is your problem? Are you so fucking miserable that you can’t stand to see anyone else happy? Even if it’s your little brother?"
"I want Jeff to be happy. Something I know he won’t be with you. Because I know one of these days you’re going to slip and relapse and I’ll be damned if I let Jeff get subjected to that."
"If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t touched anything – booze, dope or another person since Jeff and I met."
"How do we know? You could be putting on this great show for my brother’s sake and still be doing the crap you were doing before."
"Simple. Vince cracked down and ordered mandatory drug testing every month as a condition for my being here."
"Whoopee." I twirled my finger. "One day a month. What about the other twenty-nine to thirty days?"
He chuckled as he shook his head. "You’re not going to be happy until you’ve driven him completely away from you, are you?"
"He knows I’ll always be there for him. Blood is thicker than anything you can offer him."
"True, but blood won’t matter if he’s so miserable and you’re the reason." He stood. "I know this won’t matter to you but I love Jeff. I’ve taken every bit of bullshit you, your family and your husband have tossed at me and I’m still here, loving Jeff. Now if that’s not proof of how much I love him then I don’t know what is."
"If you love him, then let him go. Let him have a life."
"A life Matt? Which one? One of his own? Or one you want for him?"
"One without you in it."
"Sorry Hardy. I’m not going anywhere until Jeff tells me to."
With that he walked out of the room, leaving me to seethe.
Another day or so later found me and Jeff barely speaking as we were changing into our new ring gear, one we would be famous for and though Jeff hadn’t dyed his hair since that time with Shannon, he was at it again with a vengeance, alternating between red, yellow and blue. Sometimes all three at once.
He still wore Raven’s ring, though not to ringside and though we put on a good show for the fans, the tension between us was so thick that a chainsaw couldn’t cut it.
"So where do you wanna go tonight?" I asked, trying to crack the ice between us.
"I’m having dinner with Raven."
"Jeff-"
"Don’t," he warned me.
"I’m only worried about you. You know I love you."
"If you did you would just leave me and Raven alone. Dad doesn’t seem to mind why should you?"
What the-? I hadn’t heard him mention Dad in years. "When did you talk to Dad?"
"When Raven told Shane we were getting married. Dad and Stephanie were there. They’re happy for us why can’t you be?"
"Did you tell Dad who you really were?"
"No, but I will."
"Why? Dammit Jeff, why do you think we changed our names? We did it so that we wouldn’t be tied in with him."
"You made that decision. Just like you make all our decisions. Besides, I want him to see how well we’ve done without him. How we’ve made it on our own."
"Jeff, honey, you can’t tell Dad who we are."
"Why not? He can’t send us back to the attic now. We’re grown."
"I know, but he could hurt us in other ways."
"Name one."
I wanted to say how if it came out about Adam and I being brothers after our ‘partnership’ had been leaked to the media, what a field day it would be, but then I remember that Jeff didn’t know about Adam and I were really married and that it was a publicity ploy to hold everyone over until we could be paired with the ‘right’ valets, which at that time was to what would’ve been a feud between Adam and I.
"Well?"
Jeff’s voice distracts my train of thought.
"Just don’t do anything rash okay Rainbow?" which was our new nickname for him since he started coloring his hair.
"I’m not going to go public with it. I just want to know if he’s proud of us."
I shook my head. Though it had been years since he and Dad had really talked, I could see there was still a little part of the old Jeff who loved Dad no matter what.
It was a part that would bring about his demise.
My locker room door swooshes open and I see Adam walk in, freezing when he sees me sitting there. "Sorry," he says. "JR told me this room was empty."
He starts to leave when I shout, "You don’t have to go on my account."
He looks at me. "Yes I do. Because I can’t be around you right now."
"Adam." I set the journal aside and stand. "Can’t we talk about this?"
"Talk about what Matt? How I catch you with Shane’s tongue down your throat? How after swearing to me that there’s nothing going on, I find your hands on his shirtfront and his hands on you?"
"He made some smart ass remark about you and Dwayne and I-"
He holds up a silencing hand. "You know Matt I really don’t care right now. I’m going to see if I can’t share a dressing room with someone else."
"Like Dwayne?"
"Like anyone I fucking feel like sharing with. Oh and by the way, JR wanted me to tell you your match has been scrubbed. Turns out Waltman fucked up his knee rollerblading this afternoon."
He was out the door again.
Sitting back down on the bench, I try to keep my emotions in check. I know I have no right to feel the way I do, but damn it still hurt. Well seeing how I’ve got some free time now, I reopen the journal and write about the night I’d lost my little brother.
A pounding door in the middle of the night is never a good thing.
"Matt! Adam! Open up!"
"What the fuck?" I mutter under my breath as I get out of bed, sliding my jeans on.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
"I’m coming!" I shout as Adam woke up and turned the light on nearly blinding me. "This better not be a fucking joke."
I open the door and see a frantic Dave in front of me. "Dave what is it?"
"It’s Jeff. We can’t wake him up."
"What do you mean you can’t wake him up?" Adam was awake and in his jeans by now.
"Raven, Mark and I were out having dinner and when we got back, Jeff was asleep on the sofa. Raven went to wake him and he couldn’t then we saw the bottle of Jack Daniels and some of Adam’s sleeping pills and-"
I didn’t give him a chance to finish as I was out the door, my appearance be damned. I ran as fast as I could toward Jeff and Raven’s hotel room. They’d taken to sharing a room after the fight we’d had when Jeff told us about their engagement.
I entered the room and Mark was on the phone and Raven was kneeling next to an unconscious Jeff who lay on the sofa.
"Come on honey, wake up," I heard Raven plead as he lightly tapped my brother’s face.
"What happened?" I ask, kneeling next to Raven.
"We went out for dinner and Jeff said he wanted to stay behind to take care of something and when I called to see if he wanted to come to the movies with us, there was no answer, so we came back and found him here like this."
I checked his pulse, which was weakening. "Did anyone call 911?"
"Mark did. He’s on the phone with Vince now."
"Rainbow? Come on Jeff, wake up." I tried shaking him.
"C’mon Skittles," Raven said. "Matt’s here you better wake up."
A sound behind us made me turn as the emergency squad showed up. We moved out of their way as they administered to Jeff. Looking around helplessly, I saw the tilted half empty bottle of Jack Daniels and the nearly empty bottle of Adam’s sleeping pills that Collette had prescribed him and that he had been looking for before we went to bed.
"How did he get the liquor?" I looked at Raven.
"I don’t know. I didn’t have any on me."
"Well how else would he have gotten it?"
"I don’t know!" he shouted. "I’m telling you Matt, I haven’t touched the stuff since Jeff and I have been together."
"That better be the case." I look around and see Adam by the doorway, his eyes plastered on the bottle of pills laying on the coffee table.
"Adam." I walk to where he is.
"How did he get them?" He whispers. "I had them in my bag this morning. When did he get them?"
"Shhh." I soothe, trying to keep myself calm.
"Which one of you is a relative?" The EMT, an Edie Falco look-alike asked.
"I am." I said.
"We’re taking him to Memorial, you might want to put some clothes on before coming to the hospital."
"I’m going with him." Raven said, grabbing his coat as they were putting him on the stretcher.
"I’m sorry sir but only family is allowed in the ambulance."
Raven and I looked at each other. I could see the pleading in his eyes, begging me to let him go with Jeff, knowing that time was of the essence. "It’s okay." I tell the EMT. "He’s his partner."
"Okay." She says as they pull the stretcher up to take Jeff out the door. Raven mouths the words "Thank you," as he passes me.
"You two might want to get dressed." Mark said. "Dave and I’ll take you to the hospital."
We dressed in record time and were at the hospital within an hour. After being told where Jeff had been taken, we were instructed to take a seat in the waiting room, where Raven sits, looking as dejected as I’ve ever seen anyone.
"Any news?" I ask sitting across from him.
"Not really." His tone is flat and lifeless. "The last I’d heard was that they were pumping his stomach." He looked up at me. "What kind of childhood did you two have anyways?"
"Why?" My guard was up.
"Because when Jeff came to in the ambulance all he talked about was how sorry he was for contaminating me with his sins and that I should never have loved him in the first place."
"Where did he get an idea like that?" Adam asked.
Raven shrugged. "I asked him that. He said he’d done something bad and that he deserved to be punished and then maybe your father might’ve loved him."
"Our father?"
"He mumbled something about having gone seen him."
Adam and I looked at each other. He knew about Jeff wanting to talk to our father but didn’t think he’d actually go through with it.
"Did he say when he saw our father?"
"A day or so ago. I don’t know. All I know is that he’d been pretty quiet for the past couple of days. I thought he might’ve gotten into a fight with you again and didn’t want to talk about it."
"Matthew Hardy?"
I stood at the sound of the doctor’s voice. "How’s my brother?"
"He’s stable but guarded. He wants to see you, but keep your visit short okay?"
I nod. "Can my partner come with me?"
"I’m sorry Mr. Hardy. Only family right now."
I looked at Adam and I know how hurt he is by what the doctor has said. In order for us to be married we had to deny the existence of our younger brothers, with Adam having to deny Jeff and I having to deny Christian and that hurt more than anything. I give him a weak smile before following the doctor down the hall to where Jeff lay with an IV coming out of his arm. He looked so pale and fragile I was afraid to approach him until he opened his eyes and looked at me.
"Hi." I said, walking over to the bed.
"Where’s Adam?" his voice was raw from the tube they used to pump his stomach with.
"They could only allow one person at a time in here sweetie." I brush back a strand of hair. "God you scared the hell out of everyone. What were you thinking?"
His eyes watered. "He didn’t even know who I was."
"Who?"
"Dad."
"You went to see him?"
"I told you I would."
"Jeff, you should have had Adam and I along."
"He looked right at me and said he had no idea who I was," he continued, his voice so soft that I could barely hear it. "Even when I showed him the photo of us, when we were little, he still said he didn’t know who I was. I even asked him about momma and he said he never met her before, had no clue who she was."
"Oh Christ." I whispered, afraid that something like this would happen.
"He even said he didn’t know who Chris was."
"It’s okay honey, we don’t need him. We never did."
"I did. I just never told you or Adam."
Christ could this get any worse? "Well then you don’t need him. He just showed what a bastard he is."
"He’s still our father."
"No honey. Mick’s our father. He always has been."
"I just wanted him to be proud of me."
"You don’t need him." Christ how long could I keep it together? "Did you want to see Raven? He’s outside waiting for you."
He shook his head. "No I can’t face him."
"Why?"
"Because I’m bad."
"What?"
"I must be or Gerald wouldn’t have hurt me the way he did and Dad wouldn’t have rejected me like that."
"None of that was your fault."
"Wasn’t it? I must’ve done something wrong."
"You didn’t do a damn thing wrong. You hear me Jeffery Nero Hardy? You did nothing wrong."
"Then why did Dad reject me?"
"Because he’s a selfish asshole. That’s why. You don’t need him."
It looked like he was going to say something when his body began to shake. I thought it was because he was trying to keep from crying but I knew something was wrong when his eyes rolled up into his head. I ran into the hall and shouted for a doctor and the next few minutes were a complete blur as everyone rushed to Jeff’s room trying to save him.
With Adam’s arms around me, I listened and watched as they tried CPR then went to a defibrillator but nothing they did did any good as the next sound I heard was the heart monitor flat lining.
"No," I moaned. Not wanting to believe this was happening, even when the doctor came out and shook his head, I couldn’t allow myself to believe he was gone, though I did allow myself to faint in Adam’s arms.
The funeral was a week or so later and it was one hell of an event, with fans lined for miles and everyone from WWF, WCW and ECW turning out, though the burial itself was private. As I stood there along with Adam, Mick, and Collette as well as Raven, I glanced up and saw a figure on a hill not far from where we were and though he tried hiding himself with sunglasses, I knew who he was and I vowed right then and there I was gong to make the bastard pay for everything.
The question then and still was how?
I looked at myself in the mirror after splashing my face with some cold water, hoping to erase the traces of the tears I spilled while writing about Jeff. Taking a few deep breaths, I walked back to the changing area and packed my things. Seeing how I wasn’t going to be used that night I decided to leave other than deal with the remarks and seeing Adam. Besides, I wanted to deal with the pain in my own way
31
I make a lousy drunk.
Sitting in the back of the hotel bar, I waved a waitress over to refill my glass having lost count at about ten though I know I had more than that. She took my glass and brought back another one. I don’t know why I was drinking, but I figured numbing the pain was better than dealing with it.
Some of the guys stopped by to try and talk to me but seeing I wasn’t in the mood, they’d give up after one drink and leave saying they’ll see me in the morning. From my vantage point I was able to see them as they went through the lobby and at one point saw Adam walk in with Billy Kidman. He didn’t see me though and maybe that was a good thing.
I sigh as I slug back another shot, making a face as it goes roughly down my throat, something I should be used to by now.
The waitress, seeing my empty glass walked back over. "Sure you don’t want a sandwich to soak up some of that?" she asks.
I shake my head, taking out a hundred dollar bill and place it on her tray. "Just keep it coming,"
She shrugs before walking away.
I rest my head in my hand and look at the wallpaper as I wait for my drink, my heart still aching as I remember writing about Jeff’s death. We didn’t know he’d written a suicide note until Adam and had gone through his bag after he’d died. No sense in going through the whole thing but it just went into the same things he told me at the hospital, plus how much he’d missed Mom and Chris and how he wanted to see them again and how sorry he was for what he’d done. It was then we found out that he had found out that he had killed Gerald the night we escaped. He’d gone online and found some article about Gerald’s death on an ‘unsolved cases’ site and realizing he’d killed someone, even if the bastard was the one who raped him, was too much for him to deal with. We’d also found out later from Mark Henry that he’d seen Jeff pocket Adam’s sleeping pill bottle while we all were sharing a dressing room, but he didn’t know what he was planning to do with them or he would’ve told us.
Hearing the waitress approach I prepare for what might’ve been my ninetieth drink when I am surprised by the appearance of a cup of coffee. "This isn’t what I asked for."
She points to the bar. "He thought you might prefer this instead."
I look to where she pointing and groan when I see Shane sitting there. God the little bastard doesn’t give up, does he?
"Take this back and give me what I ordered please?" I push the mug away. She takes it and leaves, eventually retuning with not only my drink but also the little bastard in tow.
"I’ll have a scotch neat," he orders before she leaves.
"I am so not in the mood for you."
"I just wanted to apologize for the other night."
"Too late."
"Matt-"
"Are you happy now Shane? Hmm? You won. You finally broke me and Adam up, but don’t think that means I’m going to run to you. Oh no." I chuckle as the waitress our drinks. "All your hard work was for nothing Shane, because I will never eeever,"- borrowing a little from Jericho - "warm your sheets." With that said, I slam back another before sitting the glass down. The waitress, who must be annoyed with me by now, starts in my direction but Shane shakes his head, telling her no more.
"What do you think you’re doing?"
"You’ve had enough Matt. I’ve watched you since you came in and you’ve slammed back about thirty of those things. Christ if Adam saw you like this-"
"But he won’t will he? Thanks to you, Adam doesn’t have the luxury of seeing me drunk or seeing me at all. Why did you do it Shane? Why the hell did you kiss me like that, knowing Adam was going to be back at any second?"
"I couldn’t help it."
"Bullshit. You’re just some fucking spoiled brat who always got his damn way no matter who he hurt in the fucking process."
"Matt-"
I reached across and stole his drink slamming that down and instantly regretting it as it sent me into a coughing fit, as it was a little stronger than what I had been drinking up till then.
"Jesus Matt." Shane scolded. "What the hell do you think you’re doing? Trying to drink yourself to death?"
"Sounds like a good idea." I said as I got myself back together. "Sure just drink until the world goes black and that way I never have to deal with you and I wouldn’t have to see Adam with someone else, I don’t have to deal with all this fucking guilt over what happened to Jeff and – and-" I shook my head. "And I don’t have to deal with anything anymore."
"Come on," Shane slid out from his side of the booth where I’d been sitting and stood holding out a hand for me.
"I’m not going anywhere with you."
He yanked me out of my seat so fast I nearly fell on the floor. After he helped me steady myself, he told the bartender to put my drinks on his tab and led me out of there toward the elevators. Waiting for a car to come down, I glare at him. "You’re not supposed to be anywhere around me," I remind him.
"I’ll deal with it." he dismissed. "What’s the worst Vince can do? Fire me?"
"He might."
He shook his head. "I doubt it. Mom won’t let him. Especially now since Stephanie’s looking into having a baby with Hunter. They’ll need to have someone run things while she’s on maternity leave."
"I bet your family’s thrilled."
"Mom and Dad are but I’m not. Don’t get me wrong, I think Steph would make a great mom, but I just wish it were with some other guy."
"You’re not a big fan of Hunter’s either?"
"Never have been. I’ve never liked the guy," he said as the doors open and we walk into the elevator car. "I don’t know what it is, but it seems like ever since they’ve met, Hunter has thought of her as more of a trophy than a wife. Sure he pretends to play the doting husband," he pressed the ‘close door’ button and then asks me what floor I’m on. I tell him nine. He presses the button and the elevator lifts, making my stomach lurch. "But he acts like he landed a member of the Royal Family and doesn’t let anyone forget it. Yet I know for a fact he’s cheated on Stephanie on more than one occasion since he got back from knee surgery and even before that. Sometimes I wonder if he married into the family for bragging rights."
"Sounds like him all right."
"Anyways I’ll be so glad when he retires."
"So it’s official?"
Shane nods. "One last match at WrestleMania and then he plays stay at home dad, or he claims that’s what he’s going to do. I don’t think his ego’ll let Steph be the sole breadwinner in the family."
We glide up the shaft until the elevator stops on my floor. "Thanks," I mumble as I walk out the elevator, with him not far behind. "Shouldn’t you be going to your room?"
"Just want to make sure that you get to yours okay. You sharing a room with anyone?"
I shook my head. "I prefer rooming alone. Besides, I don’t think a lot of people want anything to do with me these days. Especially after what happened the other night."
"I’m sorry about that."
I wave a dismissal, not wanting to hear any of his pathetic apologies. It takes six tries to open the door before Shane takes my key card and opens the door, allowing me to go in first. I slide my jacket off and flop on the bed, my head spinning and see him take his jacket off and sit at the little table that these hotels always seem to have. "I made it in one piece," I tell him. "You don’t have to baby-sit me anymore."
"I know, but it looks like you want someone to talk to."
"I had someone to talk to but you drove him from me."
He didn’t say anything, just sat there staring at me.
"See something you like?" I crack.
"I see someone who’s in a lot of pain over something."
"You have no fucking idea…" I say softly.
"Is it really Adam? Or is there something more to it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Aaron asked me about the articles he wants to do on you two, but he says the only thing holding him up is the five year gap in your histories. He’s gone on the web, he’s talked to people who may have known the two of you at the time and he hasn’t been able to come up with anything. So?" He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. "What happened to you during those five years? Because whatever it was, it really fucked with you and Jeff."
"Don’t talk about Jeff." I say fighting back the tears. "Please?"
"Did it have something to do with why Jeff killed himself?"
"Why Jeff killed himself is no one’s business but mine and Adam’s."
"I’m not trying to pry into your lives…"
"Then don’t. Could you just go? I really don’t want any company tonight." I sit up and start to get up, but lose my balance and found myself in Shane’s arms. We stood there just looking at each other, and for once I didn’t see that smarmy look of desire on his face. Instead it looked like concern, something I didn’t want to see as I leaned in and kissed him, a kiss he responded to and for a second it felt like we were back in his hotel room in Greenwich, right down to feeling his hands slide down my back.
Coming up for air, I don’t know what the hell it was that possessed me, maybe it was loneliness or stupidity but the next words out of my mouth was, "Fuck me."
He shook his head. "No Matt," he said. "Not when you’re like this."
I laughed bitterly. "I’m finally offering what you’ve wanted for the past three years and you’re turning me down?"
He nodded.
"Asshole." I pull away.
"Listen, it’s not that I don’t want you, I do."
"Then here I am!" I wave my arms out. "Ready, willing and finally able to do act out whatever sick fantasy you’ve had of me for the past three years."
"I’m not going to take advantage of you."
"Why not? You’ve stalked me, made every indecent proposal known to man, broke me and my husband up and now you’re turning me down? What the fuck is wrong with you Shane?"
"Maybe my principles are finally catching up with me. Either way, I think it’s best if you had a hot bath and went to bed. Alone."
"I’ve been alone for the past few days Shane and it sucks."
He walks to me and takes my arm, leading me to the bed and sits me down. "Now sit here and wait. I’ll have your bath ready in a few minutes."
He leaves me to sit there, wondering if this was one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Here I was, alone, vulnerable and available and he doesn’t want to do anything? He put me through three years of damn near misery and now when he has his chance, all he wants to do is run me a bath?
I shake my head in disbelief as he comes out of the bathroom. "It’ll be ready in a couple minutes." He announces as I watch as he walks to where my bags are and rummages through them, taking out my nightclothes of ‘WWF Attitude’ t-shirt and cut off sweatpants.
"What’re these?" He holds up my journals.
"Leave those alone!" I say maybe a bit too loudly. "They’re personal."
He sets them back in the bag and tosses my nightwear onto the bed. "Come on, get up."
I do and he leads me to the bathroom where he starts undressing me but not like a lover but as efficiently as a nurse with a patient.
"Now," he says, taking my street clothes. "I’m going to order room service and get you something to eat while you take your bath, so just go in and relax for a while. Don’t think of me, Adam or anything else. Just get in and relax."
"Sure you don’t want to join me?"
"Tempting, but the tub isn’t big enough." With that he walks out of the bathroom and closes the door behind him. I do get into the tub and using a wet washcloth, I cover my face and close my eyes, wondering what episode of ‘Twilight Zone’ did I just enter into.
Dinner was a simple affair of a ham sandwich and some soup, both of which my stomach could barely keep in itself.
I sat at the table with Shane, not really saying much to him and he was keeping his mouth shut other than to take bites of his sandwich and sips of his soup.
"Feeling better?"
"About as much as possible." I toy with a piece of bread crust. "I miss Adam."
"Yeah, he misses you too."
"Bullshit. He’s got Dwayne to keep him company."
"Only to bitch about how much he misses you."
"After what I put him through…" I shake my head.
"Well you’re not totally blameless."
"Thanks a fucking lot. Don’t you think I know that?"
"I meant you’re not alone." He sighed. "I’ll admit my share of the blame."
"Too little, too late isn’t it?"
"Better late than never."
"You know you’ve pulled this shit before. Saying how sorry you are and then turning around and pulling some sort of stunt. What have you got up your sleeve this time?"
"Nothing."
"Liar." I challenge.
"No really." He sets his spoon down. "I’ve seen how devastating this break up with Adam has been on the both of you and I’ll admit I was wrong."
"And where have I heard this shit before?"
"Believe me if you want, don’t believe me if you don’t. I don’t care. I’m not going to stop loving you Matt, but I don’t want it this way. I don’t want you suffering like this."
"And all the shit you’ve said over the past three years wasn’t making me suffer?"
"I’ve thought a lot about things while I was in Greenwich and to be honest, if I were you I would’ve shot me years ago."
"Is that an open invitation?"
"I’ll admit I lost my head when I got back, but that was because being around you does something to me and I couldn’t help it. Not my fault you’ve got such kissable lips." He shrugs, trying to make his crack on me sound serious.
I had to laugh, making him smile in the process.
"I wish I could do that for you all the time." He says softly.
"What?"
"Make you smile. Laugh. The things Adam would be able to do if you were together."
I bite the inside of my mouth to keep the tears from coming. "Well that’s done and over with." I crumble the crust I’d been playing with into little pieces.
"Are you willing to give up that easily?"
"I don’t have much of a choice. He won’t talk to me. He can’t stand to be in the same room with me. Can’t say I blame him."
"Give him some time."
I let out a breath. "I don’t really feel like talking about him right now. Besides, he probably has Dwayne wrapped around his finger by now. It’s funny. Just a couple of weeks ago, we were celebrating our anniversary and now look at us." I stand, my balance still a bit off, but much steadier than it was before.
"You gonna be okay?" He asked, standing at the same time.
"Yeah." I whisper, though at the moment I wasn’t too sure about that.
"Well if you’re sure you’re going to be okay then I’ll go." He gave me a hug, which started out as friendly, but changed quickly. Especially after I began planting small kisses on his neck.
"Matt…"
"Shhh." I put a finger to his lips. "Just this once. Let’s just get it out of our systems."
He was going to protest when I planted my mouth on top of his, shutting off all protests when I slid my tongue in and caressed the inside of his mouth, tasting the soup and sandwich he’d had as I’m sure he was tasting the mixture of mint from the toothpaste I’d used to mask the alcohol and my own dinner.
He pulled his head away from mine to catch his breath.
"Do you still want me now?" I asked, feeling a little cocky not sure if it was from the alcohol or the pent up hormones.
I got my answer when he pulled me back to him, kissing the oxygen out of me. I wasn’t aware of being near the bed until he pushed me back and I wound up on my back with him on top, a position he wasn’t in for long as I turned him onto his back, vowing not to be the bottom. Not this time.
Our kiss continued, breaking occasionally as I removed his clothing, not as he had done me but as someone starving for physical contact. When I had him naked, I went to town, kissing every inch of his skin. Don’t let the baggy shirts he wears on television fool you, he does have one nice body. Not too hardened with muscles, not soft from sitting behind a desk, but a nice fit body he should be showing off a bit more.
I feel his hands in my hair as lick at his left nipple, the tip of my tongue gliding over the puckering flesh as it hardened to a point. I then went from there and, leaving a wet trail across his chest, tortured his right nipple the same way.
"Oh God Matt…" he gasped as I made my way down his chest taking my time and allowing my tongue to leave trail down his chest, his skin tasting slightly salty as I got closer to his growing erection, which I deliberately avoided, kissing the soft inner flesh of his thighs instead, delighting in the moans and purring sounds he was giving me.
"Do you want me to stop?" I teased, kissing the skin of the V of his hips.
"Don’t…don’t stop."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Suck me." He gasped.
"What do you say?" It felt weird asking the question Adam had always asked me. Forcing Adam out of my mind I concentrated on the task soon at hand.
"Please?" He begged. "Please suck me."
I would, but not right away. Instead I kissed the V of his hips again and then went to the sides of his cock licking and nipping these much to his delight. Finally when he was a total blithering mess, begging and almost sobbing, I began teasing his sensitive cock with my tongue planting little butterfly licks at the head and up and down the velvety shaft.
By now his breathing was ragged and he was grabbing the sheets, his head swinging side-to-side, whimpering and begging.
Finally deciding to end his misery, I finally decided to take him in my mouth. It took a little doing, never really having given a blowjob before, but it didn’t take long for me to enjoy the taste of Shane in my mouth and the musky scent of him. I couldn’t believe how smooth he felt against my tongue and how salty he’d tasted.
I felt both his hands in my hair as he was instructing me on how he wanted the pace to go.
"Oh God," I heard him gasp. "Oh yesss."
I slid my hands up his chest and allowed my fingers to play with his nipples, stroking and pinching them as I blew him, my own hardness begging for a relief of its own.
"Faster," he said. "Faster."
I did as he said, feeling him swell against my lips just before he filled my mouth, his come burning my throat more than the alcohol I’d had earlier, almost choking me until I slid up on his cock and which made it easier for me to breathe and swallow at the same time.
"Oh God that was so good," he gasped between breaths.
"It only gets better from here," I say, undressing under his appreciative gaze. I pinned him down, my hardness rubbing against him and kissed him again, this time moving his legs to put them over my shoulders. I pull away from him and begin stroking myself, while testing his entry with my fingers.
"Got any lube?" he asks me.
I shake my head.
"There has to be something…" he looks around.
"What’s wrong Shane?" I ask, in a voice I don’t even recognize. "I heard you liked it dry."
"I don’t know where you heard that but –ow!" he cries as I begin sliding myself in inch by inch. Christ he was tight but I didn’t know if it was from surprise or fright, my alcohol dazed brain not caring.
"Matt, stop." He whispers. "Stop."
I paid no heed, something in my brain snapping. Here was the man who’d made my life a living hell for three years, who broke up me and Adam, begging me to get out of him, to get something to lube him with. I felt the rage that had built in me threatening to unleash itself, that dark part of my brain whispering ‘Do it. Make him pay.’
And I did, driving myself into him over and over again, ignoring his cries and pleas to stop, covering his mouth with either my mouth or my hands to shut him up until after what felt like an eternity, I came in him, his scream devoured by my mouth.
I did slide out of him, feeling nauseous and I left him there as I ran to the bathroom naked and threw up everything I’d eaten and drank that day. Finished, I felt drained, sick and dirty, especially recalling what Adam had told me Dad had done to him and for the briefest of moments, I wondered if in fact I was becoming my father after all.
The final straw broke, the final brick fell and I just bawled my eyes out, unleashing everything I had in me, the pain, the guilt, the anger at not only myself, but at our father and grandfather, in one hysterical, sobbing breakdown.
32
I woke up the next morning not on the floor of the bathroom but back in my bed, completely covered. I looked around and to my shock and horror I saw Shane sitting at the table. Shocked because I didn’t think he’d still be here after my raping him last night and horror as I saw he had the journals on the table.
"What are you doing with those?"
He said nothing for the longest time. "I…I had to know, I had to find out what…oh God Matt how the hell are you still alive after everything?"
I froze, my blood cooling by the second. "You read them?"
He nodded, tears welling in those brown eyes of his.
"Oh God." I sigh, knowing my worst nightmare had come true.
"Jesus Christ Matt. I knew Hunter was a sick fuck, but this…" He waved at the journals. "To think you were locked away all that time and what you went through…"
"Please Shane…I don’t want to talk about it."
"It explains so much…"
"Then you know about me and Adam then?"
He nodded.
I threw the covers over my head, not wanting to deal with this right now, but they didn’t stay on my head long as I felt Shane’s weight dip the edge of the bed and remove them from my head. "Don’t…" I say brushing away the hand he had moved to touch me with.
"Matt. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
I choked out a bitter laugh. "Don’t I? I mean how fucked up can I be? I ‘marry’ my brother, I drove Jeff to suicide because I couldn’t just let him and Raven be happy and then last night…"
"Shhh." He pressed a finger to my lips, wiping away the tears that were running down my face. "As far as last night goes, it never happened."
"How can you say that? I’m surprised you haven’t gone running to Vince by now."
"What? You think you’re the first to do that to me?"
I looked up at him. "What?"
"Comes with the title of being the ‘welcoming bed warmer’ of the Fed."
I wince when he repeats what I said to him only a few days ago. "I’m sorry."
He shook his head. "Don’t worry about it. The big question now is, how do we get Hunter for what he did to you guys?"
"That’s my problem. Not yours."
"Oh no? The same sick fuck that raped your brother is married to my sister and the frightening thing is they’re planning on having children together and if he could do that to Adam, I shudder to think what he could do to any future nieces and nephews I might have."
"There’s a difference. Stephanie is his ‘class of person’, she’s the perfect wife that Pat always wanted for him."
"Pat…" He shook his head. "Man have I got some choice words to say to him."
"You and me both."
"God and what they did to Christian…you wouldn’t by any chance have a photo of him would you?"
"Nothing recent. It’s in my day planner." I watch him get up and go to my bag where he dug out the leather zipped book and brought it over to me. I unzipped the book and after a minute or two, handed him the last photo we had of the four of us before we went to Greenwich. He took me by surprise when he laughed.
"What’s so funny?"
"God you were a gawky looking thing."
"I was ten you moron. I bet you didn’t look too hot when you were ten."
"Au contraire," he says. "I’ll have you know I was as devastating then as I am now."
I rolled my eyes as he giggled. "So?" he asked when he sobered. "You’re not going to let him get away with this are you? What with what he did to Adam not to mention Jeff and Christian?"
"No, but I don’t know how to get started. I know we can’t get him for what he did to Chris, but I want him to pay for what he did to Mom."
"Chyna? What did he do to her?"
I explained what the Laurers had told me about what they suspected. As I did, his face went from curious to alarmed.
"My God. You think he killed your mother?"
"I don’t think. I know. Problem is how do we get a hold of the proof if there is any? She died during a house show."
"A house show? She shouldn’t have done a stunt like that for a house show. That’s more for one of the programs."
I shrugged. "That’s all I know."
He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Let’s see what I come up with. Because I’ll be damned if my sister is going to wind up in the same predicament."
"How’s that?"
"If Hunter and she have a kid then that lines him up to claim a share of the family business."
"Well we’ll have to do something soon. He’s retiring at WrestleMania."
"That’s about six months from now." He said softly. "Should give us enough time to get enough evidence to nail his ass."
"Us?"
"And Adam too if he’s keen on helping."
"He’s not too keen on anything with me right now."
"We’ll work on that." He assured me as he leaned over and kissed me. It wasn’t a brutal kiss like I’d given him last night, but soft and loving.
"Shane, about last night…"
"All I remember about last night was this mind blowing blow job you gave me and then you falling asleep in my arms." He smiled before getting off the bed. "Anything other than that, I have no recollection of."
"But you’re going to hang this over my head aren’t you? Blackmail me with it?"
"The only thing I want from you right now is when we nail Hunter, you two let me be part of it. I want to watch that motherfucker squirm." He looked at his watch. "I better go and you should get dressed, we have a breakfast meeting in two hours."
"Two hours…" I looked at the clock and saw it was only six thirty in the morning.
"See you there." He says before leaving.
I lie in bed watching him close the door behind him, wondering if I actually could trust him to help us or not.
I arrive at the breakfast meeting with five minutes to spare, finding the place packed.
I hunch down in a corner, taking only a cup of coffee from the surprised waitress. From where I was sitting I could see everyone sitting around chatting and eating, something my stomach wasn’t in the mood for after last night. It doesn’t take long for my eyes to find Adam sitting across the room along with Andrew, Billy Gunn, and Chuck Palumbo. I watched as he laughed at something Chuck had said, but I could tell the smile only went as far as his lips, his eyes not gleaming the way they do when his laughter was genuine.
"What’re you hunched down there for?" I hear Bradshaw ask me. "Hiding from Vince?"
"Linda actually," I crack.
He motions for me to sit with he, Ron, Bubba Ray and D-Von, which I do, not saying much to any of them other than a polite "hello". I only half listen to Vince as he rattles off the weekly "State of the Fed" address when I feel someone watching me. At first I think it’s Shane, who’s sitting at the table along with Linda, Stephanie and Dad, but his attention is focused on Vince. I look around the room and see it’s Adam looking at me. I give him a half smile, which he returns before looking back at Vince.
After schedules and scripts are passed out, I get up to go when I hear someone say my name. I pause and see Adam standing behind me. My stomach flutters but not from sickness, but the way it always does when I see him looking at me.
"Hi," I say, moving to let Paul Wight through.
"Hi." He replies.
We don’t say anything more for a few seconds though I do see Shane looking in our direction, his expression bland.
"So how have you been?" I ask hating the awkwardness. "Any night terrors?"
"No. I still have nightmares but nothing as bad as that."
I only nod.
"Have a hangover?" he asks me.
"A slight one."
"Only slight? I’m surprised given the way Andrew said you were slamming down drinks yesterday."
"I got thirsty."
He nods. "Well I better get going. I’ve got to pack up for the flight to Las Vegas."
"Publicity?"
He nods again. "Some autograph signings, things like that. You?"
"Just heading straight up to Sacramento."
"Yeah I should be back for the pay per view."
"Who’s your opponent?"
"Don’t know yet. Yours?"
I shrug.
"I’ll see you."
"Yeah."
He surprises me with a kiss on the cheek before walking off toward the elevators.
"Why don’t you go after him?" I hear Shane ask from behind me.
God I want to. Just chase after him and talk to him, tell him… I don’t know what to tell him. Watching him wait there, every fiber of my being is screaming at me to move, but I don’t. Instead I watch as the doors open and he gets in and as the doors close, I feel so have my chances of getting him back.
"His flight doesn’t leave for another couple of hours." Shane says. "Try to work things out-"
"Too late." I say. "It’s too late." I turn to look at him and over his shoulder I see Dad watching us, with a strange look on his face.
"Doesn’t have to be." Shane says.
"It has to be for now. Especially if we’re going to nail Hunter."
He looks over his shoulder then at me. "So it’s ‘we’?"
"If you want."
"I want." He says nodding. "I want very much."
"Well then," I sigh. "Let’s start making plans for a retirement party he ain’t ever going to forget." I walk out of the dining room, Shane not far behind.
"I started some of the preliminary stuff," Shane says as he’s sitting on my bed, going through the printouts of stuff he’d found out about what happened that night on the Internet. "Of course you figure everything’s fifteen years ago, maybe sooner, so it looks like we’re going to have to dig deeper, maybe even have to head to Stamford to check out the archives."
I’m only half listening to him as I stand at the balcony window watching Adam load his stuff into the rental with some help from Dwayne. There seems to be an awkwardness between them as though Dwayne wants to be more to Adam but isn’t sure how to pull it off, and Adam not really sure if he wants to be around Dwayne though he looked like he was interested in him.
"Matt? Did you hear me?"
I look back at him. "Yeah, yeah I did." I looked back and watched them get into the car and drive off.
"You still love him." A statement more than a question.
"I don’t know what the hell I’m feeling anymore." I finally move away from the balcony and walk to the bed, freshly changed since last night, but the images of my sadism still tickle my brain in the worst way. "I keep thinking that Adam should be part of this, that he should…" I shake my head. "Then I think maybe it’s best if we weren’t together, that I shouldn’t subject him to have anything to do with Dad – I mean Hunter."
"Sounds like the best way right now."
"I know but I’m so scared of losing him." I look at Shane. "You probably think I’m sick, feeling this way about him."
"Not my place to judge." He says gently.
"But you probably do think I’m sick?"
"What I think doesn’t matter. What does is we nail Hunter for what he’s done to your mom and to you guys."
"Think we can find police and medical reports on her?"
"We can try but Vince kept things quiet so I don’t know."
"Shane?"
"Hmm?"
"Why do you call your dad ‘Vince’?"
"Because we’re not very close. Never have been, and doubtful we ever will be."
I heard the sadness in his voice but didn’t comment on it, not wanting to pry where I shouldn’t.
He looks up at me and gives me a lopsided grin. "What? You and Adam think you corner the market on father/son dysfunction?"
"At least your father didn’t stick you in an attic and rape your brother."
"True, but at least you don’t have to listen to yours telling you how worthless you are and how he wished he never had you day in, day out."
I reach out a hand and rest it on his. "I’m sorry."
"Don’t be. I’m not. I’m hoping to get WCW off the ground and run it the way I want without the old man’s help. Care to join me when it happens? Adam can join in if he wants."
"Given how he feels about you? Might not be a good idea."
He smiled before going through the printouts again.
I watch him as he reads everything he has once, twice, three times as though something might pop out at him. "You don’t have to do this you know?" I say. "Especially after last night."
He looks up at me. "Like I said, I want to help you and last night didn’t happen."
"Yes it did."
He sighs and puts the papers aside. "You don’t want to let it go, do you?"
"Shane, I raped you last night and now here you are trying to help me nail Hunter. Explain that logic to me."
"I guess there is none really other than after I read the journals, I understood why you did what you did."
"But what I did was unforgivable-"
"Under other circumstances-"
"No," I say. "Under no circumstances."
"So what do you want me to do Matt? Do the same to you?"
"At least hate me for what I did. At least threaten me with going to the cops or your – or Vince. At least punish me for it."
"Why? You’re already doing a great job of punishing yourself as it is. In fact from what I gather, you’ve been punishing yourself for too damn long. Matt," he takes my hand, "none of what happened is your fault. I don’t care what that crazy bastard Pat thinks. None of you deserved to be treated the way you were and you don’t deserve to blame yourself for what happened. Paul and Pat are the ones to blame, not you."
"But I reminded them of her." I said weakly. "If it hadn’t been for me, who knows what kind of life they might have had. Hell at least Chris would’ve had a life."
"As what?" he challenged. "What kind of life would they have had? Hell who knows? You may have been dead and gone and they still would’ve rotted in that damn attic. From what I’ve gathered, you’re the reason they held on as long as they have."
"And the reason they were abused the way they were."
"Dammit Matt," he said in exasperation. "What the hell are you looking for? Some kind of redemption? Maybe we should hold a séance and see if Jeff and Christian forgive you or not. What the hell is it going to take for you to let the damned guilt go? Because if you don’t, it’s just going to make your blood pressure worse."
I look at him. "How the hell do you know about that?"
"I have my sources."
"Yeah and their names are Hamilton and Franklin."
"Are you accusing me of bribing people?" he asks, his tone self-mocking. "I am shocked, horrified and offended at such a thing. All true of course, but horrified all the same."
"You bribed the doctor?"
He laughs. "No. I didn’t bribe anyone. I read your medical report as part of the health insurance we have on you guys and frankly Matt, I’m worried about you. From what the report says, if you don’t get it down, you could wind up having a stroke."
"Fine with me."
"You really hate yourself that much?"
"What the hell have I got left Shane? Other than wanting revenge on my father? Both my little brothers are dead, Adam hates me." I shrug.
"You have me. I know it’s not much, but it’s a start."
"Yeah and look how well it’s gone on so far."
"You know, if I’ve never had a reason to hate Paul, I have one now."
"That being?"
"His destroying your spirit. Turning you into this guilt ridden shell of what I’m sure was someone who was more confident and sure of himself."
"I can’t even remember what that was like."
"You will. If you let me help you."
I look at him, wondering if he could do for me what he was promising. "We’ll see." I say. "We’ll see."
33
The shrilling of the phone woke me the next morning.
I opened my eyes slowly and looked around seeing I was alone in my room. I then looked at the clock and saw it was seven-fifteen. I finally picked it up on the sixth ring. "Hello?" I croaked out.
"Matt? You okay? You don’t sound so good." It was Adam.
"I’m fine, I just woke up that’s all."
"I didn’t mean to wake you."
"It’s okay." I nestled back down on the bed, pressing the phone to my ear. "How’re you doing?"
"Bored."
"I thought you’d be hitting the slot machines and whatnot."
"We tried that last night and got mobbed."
"We?"
"Dwayne and I. And just when we were ahead."
"What were you playing?"
"Blackjack. Won about five thousand each before the throngs showed up. Christ you’d think the Backstreet Boys were there with the fuss we caused. We had to have security take us out of there and … are you still there?"
"Yeah."
"Normally you’d have a smart remark about the Backstreet Boys ready for when I mention them."
"I haven’t had my morning coffee yet."
"So how’s Sacramento?"
"Full of large trees."
He laughed. "Well I should be there in another day or so. I’ve got an interview and a ticket sale signing tomorrow."
"Sounds like fun."
"Not as much fun as when we would do it together. Remember that time in Cleveland when that guy wanted you to autograph his penis and you told you couldn’t because the ink would make him sterile and you couldn’t bear the thought of depriving him of any future children he might have?"
"Then when it was over, the store clerk brought us back some hot dogs and you took mine out of the bun and asked if I’d autograph it for you?" I chuckled, before sighing. "I miss you."
"I know."
I don’t know why but it hurt when he said it like that, like there was no emotion to it. "So how’s Dwayne?" I ask trying to keep casual.
"In his own room sleeping. Guy snores like a chainsaw. I heard him all the way in here last night. Remind me to tell Tony to not book he and I adjoining rooms from now on."
"Will do."
"So how about you? How’re you doing?"
I didn’t say anything at first. What was I supposed to say, "Fine? Oh and by the way, I gave Shane a blowjob, then raped him, then he read the journals and now wants to help me nail Dad?"
"Matt? Did you fall asleep again?"
"No, I’m still here."
"How’s your blood pressure?"
"Going down, but they’re still worried."
"Still writing in the journal?"
"Off and on." I haven’t had much motivation to since I wrote about Jeff’s death. I haven’t even put in what went on about Shane and I. "Any nightmares?"
"Some. I called Collette after I got here. The therapist and I are going to do our sessions via instant messaging."
"We’ll have to get you a laptop when you get here."
"Is there still a ‘we’?"
"I want there to be. Do you?"
"I don’t know. A part of me wants there to be but…"
"But what? I still love you Adam, that hasn’t changed."
"Hasn’t it?"
"No. It hasn’t at least not on my part."
"Then why can’t I get the image of you and Shane kissing out of my head?" his voice was soft.
"Listen, I tried to explain what happened and I know you’re pissed off at me but I swear it wasn’t how it looked. He made some smart assed remark about you and Dwayne and I tried to tell him to knock it off when the door opened and when I went to see who was coming in, he kissed me. I swear Adam, that’s all that happened."
Silence.
"Adam? Adam honey, talk to me."
"I have to go."
"Adam, don’t hang up on me. Can we at least talk when you get here for the pay per view?"
"I don’t know. I’ll have to let you know. Bye."
Static filled my ears before I hung up. I stare at the phone wondering if I should call him back and find out what the hell was going on when I realize I don’t know which hotel he was staying at nor his room number and that the desk clerk might not patch me through, thinking I might be some obsessed fan or something.
I curled down into the covers again when there was a knock on the door. So much for going back to sleep. "Who is it?"
"Room service."
What the fuck? I didn’t order room service. Hell, I haven’t been awake for more than fifteen minutes yet. Sliding out from under my cocoon – wearing my usual nightclothes- I walk to the door. "I think you might have the wrong room," I shout as I walk to the door. "I didn’t order any-"
I swing the door open and gape at who’s standing there.
"What’re you doing here?" I ask as Dad pays the bellhop and rolls the tray in.
"Thought you might want some company while hubby’s away." He looks around as I close the door. "Not bad. Not what you should have, but impressive."
I look at the bed to make sure that I wasn’t still there dreaming this nightmare. "There has to be another reason you’re here."
"You know you’re a funny kid Hardy." He sits on the foot of the bed. "First you make harassment charges against Shane and then next minute you’re kissing him in your and hubby’s locker room."
"His name’s Adam."
"Hmm?"
"The ‘hubby’. His name’s Adam." And you raped him, you sick fuck, I wanted to say but didn’t. I just want him to get the fuck out of my room before I do something.
"Right Adam." He says absently. "Then after hub- I mean Adam dumps you, I see you and Shane getting friendly at the breakfast meeting yesterday."
"Not that it’s any of your business, but we were just talking."
"Really? That’s not what I heard you did the other night with him."
"Excuse me?"
"I’ll let you in on a little secret; never, ever get a room next to Hugh Morris. That dickhead likes to listen through the walls-from what some of the WCW guys tell me that’s the only way he gets off -and he told me by the sounds of things, you and Shane were going at it pretty good. Even had him screaming at one point."
"And your point is?"
"My point is you’re fucking the wrong guy."
"Excuse me?" My voice was shocked.
He sipped from that damn bottle and it was taking all I had to not ram the damn thing down his throat. "Yeah. You shouldn’t be with Shane."
I felt like I was treading on thin ice. "Okay maybe you’re right. When Adam gets back, we’re going to try and work thing-"
"I didn’t mean Adam either."
My stomach went sour. Especially when I saw the predatory look in his eyes. "Then who do you mean?"
"Me."
Oh, now I know this is some kind of fucking nightmare. "You?"
He nods slowly.
I don’t know why I’m surprised. After all this is the same sick fuck who’d rape his oldest son without any regret. "And the reason would be?"
"Listen. Shane likes to pretend to be the heir apparent, but after WrestleMania he’s going to be out of a job."
"He mentioned something about getting WCW started back up."
He chuckles, making my skin crawl. "Ain’t happening Matt. Because you’re looking at who’s going to be running WCW. Vince is just about ready to cut Shane out of the family."
"Why?"
"Don’t say where you heard this, but after the little run in with you two, Vince figured it’s be best if Shane wasn’t around the talent so much. Don’t blame yourself. Vince has been thinking about this for a long time now, especially since he found out his son likes guys. Figured it’d be too much of a temptation and he was right. Your telling him what Shane was doing was the final straw so to speak."
"I didn’t tell him. Adam did."
He shrugs. "Doesn’t matter who told him. He just thinks it’s best if Shane weren’t around the boys so much."
"So what’s he going to do? Shane I mean?"
"Look for another job somewhere else I guess. Vince is cutting him out totally. He’s looking into buying Shane’s shares and everything else. Oh Shane’ll get a nice hefty paycheck for all his years of service, but he’s through after WrestleMania."
"And what does this have to do with me?"
"I figured you’re due for a push soon. So I put in a good word for you."
"I don’t need your help."
He stood and walked to where I was. "Oh I think you will."
I back away from him until I’m up against the wall. We’re eye to eye with his right hand coming up to touch my face. I try to jerk away, but he holds me by the chin.
"See I’ve had my eye on you for a while Matt. If there’s anyone who should be main eventing it should be you – no disrespect to Adam – and I’m the one who can make that happen."
"As I said, I don’t need your help."
"What? You think I don’t have any stroke around here?" He began rubbing his knuckles under my chin. "One word from me to Vince and you’ll be working Jakked for the rest of your career, you won’t even curtain jerk at a pay per view. Hell, I can make it that you’re in so many dark matches that you’ll think you’re working a blackout."
"And what do you get out of it?"
"What do you think?"
I had to swallow the bile that was rising to my throat, which his fingers slid down and over my shirt until they reached the waistband of my sweatpants. "I can see why Shane is so turned on by you, a tempting piece of ass like you only comes around once in a blue moon."
Christ he’s sicker than I thought he was.
I felt my skin and every internal organ crawl as he began placing small kisses on my forehead, cheeks, chin and lips. "Aren’t you supposed to be married?" I get out.
"Yeah, but that’s never stopped me before. Besides as long as I give her what she wants, I get what I want."
"What’s that?"
"She gets a baby to quiet that biological clock she’s got ticking and I get any thing I want and right now, all I want is you. Naked."
His hands reach for the waistband of my sweatpants when there’s a knock on the door. "Matt? Matt, it’s Shane open up."
I start to say something when Dad silences me with his hand. "You say one word about this to anyone and you and Adam’ll be sorry."
I watch him move away and answer the door. "Hey Shane," his tone is jovial. "How’re you doing?"
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
"Had to talk to Matt about something. See you tonight at dinner." He flashes me a silencing look. "Oh and Matt," he says to me. "Better eat your breakfast before it gets too cold."
He leaves, leaving Shane to gape after him and for me to get myself together.
"What the fuck was that all about?" Shane asks closing the door behind him.
"Who knows?" I said moving away from the wall to sit on the bed.
"He didn’t try anything did he?"
"No," I lie.
"So what did he want?"
"Just to tell me that I’m due for a title shot soon. His title."
"I didn’t hear anything about that." He sits next to me.
"Well you’re always saying how I should look above the European title."
"Yeah, but I only meant the IC belt."
"What? I’m not good enough for the world title?"
"I’m not saying that. I just didn’t think he’d-" he stops talking. "Matt are you sure you’re okay?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Your hands are shaking."
I look down and sure enough the little traitors are shaking like scared rabbits, which is what I felt like right then. "Just cold." I say, though the room was comfortably warm.
"Matt, what happened before I got here? Don’t try to hide it from me. I’m not Adam."
"Nothing happened. I’m just a little rattled from seeing him, that’s all." I push some hair out of my face.
I feel Shane’s hand on my back trying to reassure me. "Don’t worry," he said resting his head on my shoulder. "I won’t let him hurt you or Adam. I swear."
I almost say ‘too late’, but I don’t.
"Do you want your breakfast?"
I look at the cart with two covered dishes and in my mind I’m back in the attic again. "No," I said getting up. "Get it out of here."
"Matt-?"
I leave him and head for the bathroom. Shutting the door behind me, I try and compose myself wondering if this was sick plot of Dad’s to drive me insane.
Because if it was, he was succeeding beyond my expectations.
I exit the bathroom a few minutes later and don’t see the tray or the covered dishes. Instead I see Shane putting plates on the table.
"I called down and told them that the breakfasts were delivered in error," he says as I enter the room. "So I hope you like eggs, bagels and orange juice."
"Sounds good." I begin to get dressed, not noticing or caring if Shane was watching me or not. Finally dressed in a motorcross jersey, jeans and sneakers, I make my way to the table and begin eating while I still had an appetite.
"Have you heard from Adam?" he asks me, spreading cream cheese on his bagel.
"He called me this morning."
"Yeah Dwayne called me last night. He tell you they got mobbed at the blackjack table?"
"Yeah. Right when they were five thousand ahead."
"Just their luck huh?"
I nodded not wanting to think about Adam right then. I spread the cheese on my bagel but wound up with more on my still shaky hand than I did on the bagel.
"Here." Shane took both the knife and the bagel from me. "Sure there wasn’t something else going on when I stopped by?"
"Nothing was going on." I snapped. "I told you. I was just rattled to have him around me knowing what he did to Adam. Took all I had not to take a knife and slit his fucking throat."
"Okay, okay. Calm down, Matt."
"You know, I’m sick and tired of people telling me that. What? Am I not allowed to show any emotion? It’s all right for Adam to have a nervous breakdown or for anyone else to be angry about stupid things, but God forbid if Matt gets angry or shows any kind of emotion other than what people expect him to show. By then they think I’m either going crazy or having a breakdown of my own." I paused, waiting for Shane to reply. "Well?"
"What?"
"You were the one telling me to calm down."
"I know."
"Well aren’t you going to again?"
"Listen, if getting angry and venting helps you then by all means go for it. You can’t keep shit bottled up forever Matt. You’ve already got high blood pressure, let’s not add anything more to that."
I sighed loudly. "Things are so fucked up right now."
"They’ll get better. Adam’ll be back in another day or so and then you guys can sit down and straighten things out." There was a funny tone to his voice.
"You don’t want Adam and I to work things out do you?"
"I’ll admit a part of me doesn’t, but if he is what makes you truly happy." He shrugs. "Then by all means be with him, but we’re stuck with each other until after WrestleMania when we nail Hunter for the pain he’s caused you guys."
"We’re stuck with each other for six whole months?" I shudder mockingly. "Now there’s a thought to keep me up at night."
We laughed and for a while after I didn’t think of anything else other than finishing my breakfast.
Sunday came and I entered the arena, bag slung over my shoulder. The pay per view this time was "No Mercy", something I felt like showing Dad when I saw him look my way while I was talking to Jerry Lynn, freshly back from surgery, about his match with RVD that night and saw that damned smirk.
Walking away from Jerry, I headed over to my appointed locker room and paused when I saw Adam there pulling on his tights, which really did emphasize his long legs.
"Hi," I said, forcing out images of those legs around my waist.
He turned and looked at me and I thought I saw a mix of relief and guilt on his face. "Hi." He returned, taking the chain I’d bought him for our anniversary off, tucking it into his shaving kit.
"I can get another dressing room if you rather not-"
"No. You can come in."
I walked in and keeping a safe distance from him, began pulling some of my ring stuff out.
"So have you been doing?" he asks me as he’s sliding his boots on.
"Okay. You?"
"Good. Got to go back on the blackjack tables."
"Yeah? How much did you win?"
"I won another five thousand, Dwayne lost two thousand." He said softly.
"Glad to be back?"
"Almost. Who are you wrestling tonight?"
I had to think for a minute. "Spike I think. You?"
"Test."
"Oh I can see the fan fic boards now just with that match up alone."
"You still read those things?"
"Not recently. I haven’t had a chance to charge my laptop batteries. Speaking of which did you get things straightened out with that therapist you’re IMing with?"
"Yeah. Got the code, password and everything. We’re going to give it try tomorrow."
"You can use my computer if you want."
"Thanks."
There was that awkward silence between us. The kind when you run into an ex-lover and realize you two are going to have to work together whether you like it or not. I’m not saying I don’t like working with Adam, I just don’t like not being with him.
"Matt?"
"Hmm?" I was lacing my boots before I put them on.
"Do you think we could get a room together tonight? Nothing sexual," he said quickly. "But we have to talk about things."
I paused my lacing, almost afraid to know what ‘things’ he wanted to talk about. "Okay. Sure."
"Thanks."
There was a knock on the door, which turned out to be Andrew wanting to talk to Adam about their match. I offer to leave, but Adam said he’d go. I was alone for a few minutes before the door swung open again. "What did you forget?" I asked turning around and saw Dad there.
"I guess you could say I forgot to say hello when you came in."
"You’d better go. Adam’ll be back in a few minutes."
"So you two getting back together again?"
I wish, I think. "That’s none of your business."
"I think it is." He moves closer. "Especially since it could cut down on our time together."
"There isn’t going to be any ‘time together’ between us." I turn my back on him.
"Oh really?"
"Yes really." I gasp as I feel my hair being grabbed and my body being yanked back.
"You might want to reconsider your decision," he hisses.
"Let go."
"Now, I heard you and Adam are going to be sharing a room tonight. Correct?"
I say nothing, which gets a tighter grip on my hair. "Correct?" he repeats.
"Yes."
"Okay. I’ll let things slide for tonight, but tomorrow night, after Raw, we’re sharing a room. Got it?"
"You’re fucking sick." Another painful yank.
"Got it?"
"Yes." I said more to get him to let go of my hair, which he does giving me a little shove in the process.
"Good. You’ll see how far your career can go with someone like me behind you." He slaps my ass before leaving. I stared at the wall in front of me willing myself not to go after him and kill him.
The door opens again and I spin around to see Shane standing there.
"Matt?" he approaches me. "Matt what is it?"
I say nothing, just throw my arms around his neck and hold him tightly as though I were a drowning man and he was my only lifeline.
"Hey," he says. "Hey whatever it is, it’ll be okay."
Okay? I think. Having your father hit on you like some fucking mat rat was going to be ‘okay’?
What I didn’t notice was the door opening again and Adam having seen us like that before quietly heading back out.
Adam and I walked to our motel room together, not saying much to each other.
Letting Adam in first, I closed the door and threw my stuff on my bed. When we left the arena, there were some skeptical looks and some hopeful ones shot in our direction, but there was one that stood out and that was the one Dad had given me; a hateful look as if I’d dared go behind his back to resume my relationship with Adam without his permission.
Adam set his bag on the floor by his bed and stretched out on the bed, obviously still feeling the effect of the boot Andrew used to keep his Intercontinental title. While my head was throbbing from the ‘acid drop’ Spike used to take my European title from me.
"Wanna use the shower first?" he asks.
"You go first." I tell him.
After we both showered and changed into our nightclothes, we sit on our separate beds, not saying much. "So what did you want to talk about?" I asked.
"Us. Where we go from here."
"I’ve told you I love you."
He nods, not even looking at me.
My heart sank as I asked the next question. "You want to start seeing other people? Is that what this is about?"
"In a way."
"Let me rephrase that. You want to start seeing Dwayne?"
"I already have. Started seeing him that is."
I closed my eyes, not wanting to believe what I was hearing. "He wasn’t in the other room when you called me from Las Vegas was he?"
"No."
"Was he in your room or were you in his?"
"What difference does it make?" He finally looks at me. "From what I heard you and Shane had us beat by a couple of hours."
"I’m sorry."
"Don’t be."
"God how did things get so fucked up?"
"I don’t know. We had to have known this was coming eventually. That we wouldn’t be able to be the ‘be all and end all’ to each other that we had been. That other people might be interested in us and we be interested in return."
"So it really is over between us now isn’t it?" I felt the tears burn my eyes.
"Seems that way."
"Listen, I just want you to know I’m sorry for hurting you the way I have. It was never my intention to do so."
"I know. I never meant to hurt you either. I was hoping we could work things out but it doesn’t look that way especially after I walked in and saw you with Shane tonight."
"Why didn’t you say something?"
"I don’t know. Maybe because seeing you with him like that made me realize how right he was for you to begin with."
"So you’ll be with Dwayne from now on huh?"
"Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know."
I didn’t say anything. On the one hand it felt like my heart was being shredded to bits, but on the other hand, I’m almost comforted by the thought of Adam being out of harm’s way and with someone who cares about him while Shane and I plot our revenge against Dad.
"Does this mean I can’t use your laptop tomorrow?" he said with a strained grin.
I chuckled. "As long as you don’t write any love letters to Dwayne on it."
He smiled back, but I saw the sadness in his eyes and hoped Dwayne could take his pain away better than I ever could.
34
"What the hell is going on Matt?" Shane asked me as he walked into the dressing room that night for Raw. I was sitting on the changing booth reading over the newest edition of WWF magazine.
"What?" I ask not looking up because I knew what he was going to ask me about.
He snatched the magazine out of my hand making me look up at him. "Please tell me you’re not sharing a room with Hunter."
I wished I could tell him ‘no’, but I couldn’t, so I kept my mouth shut.
"You are aren’t you?"
Still I don’t say anything.
He sits next to me. "You can’t do this," he says. "You know what he’s done to Adam, God knows what he’ll do to you."
"He doesn’t know who I am."
"So? That’s not the point. The point is we’re supposed to be trying to bring the bastard down not have you romance him."
"I’m not romancing him." I snap. "God I’m not that sick though he has no problem with it."
"What about Adam?"
"It’s over. For good this time."
"Christ. I’m sorry."
"We talked last night and he wants to give Dwayne a chance." I didn’t mention Adam having seen us last night.
"Well it might be a good thing. At least this way, he’ll be out of harm’s way. Now about this rooming with Hunter shit. There’s no way I can let you do this."
"I don’t have a choice."
"What do you mean?"
"Remember last night when you asked me what was wrong?"
"Yeah."
"Well he came in and said I either roomed with him or…I could forget about my title shots."
"Fuck that!" Shane said. "That’s the oldest fucking threat in the book."
But it was the best I could come up with.
"Matt, if you want a title shot, you don’t have to sleep with Hunter."
"I know."
He gives me an odd expression. "There’s something more to this isn’t there?"
"What do you mean?"
"Did he threaten you? I don’t mean by withholding title shots, but really threaten you."
My mind goes back to last night when he grabbed me by the hair. "No."
"You don’t have to protect him."
"He didn’t threaten me."
I think he would’ve pushed the issue, but held off when he saw I wasn’t going to tell him what he wanted to hear.
"Listen," he says. "I have to head back east for a meeting day after tomorrow. I figured while I was there I could talk to some of the workers who set the stage up that night. Find out what went wrong."
"How long will you be gone?"
Three or four days. The good thing is, it times in with your mid-week break after the SmackDown taping so if you want to, you could come with me. Keep you away from Hunter."
"I’m not worried about me. What if he decides to go after Adam?"
"Maybe I can suggest Dwayne take him on a mini vacation."
I nod.
"I’m sorry. I know it still hurts breaking up with him."
"We’re really not broken up. We are brothers after all."
"True."
"And if Dwayne can keep him away from Dad, then go for it."
"Okay. I’ll bring it up to Dwayne later."
"Just don’t tell him why, please?"
"I won’t."
"Besides," I say. "This might work in our favor. He might actually open his mouth and let something slip."
"I still don’t like it."
"I don’t either, but what else can I do?"
"Room with me."
I look at him. "Are you sure that’s a good idea?"
"I told you Matt. The other night to me never happened. You were angry, but unlike other guys at least you’re remorseful about it."
I don’t say anything.
"Well, I’ll let you get ready for your match." He turns my head to his and kisses me. "Listen, your match is fourth on the list and Hunter’s is the main event. Forget taking a shower, go straight to the hotel and get a room of your own. I don’t want you anywhere near him. I’ll call you when I get there and then I can crash with you. Okay?"
I don’t know why, nor can I explain but the thought of sharing a room with Shane sounded pretty good right then. "Okay."
He nods before getting up and leaving the room. I lean back in the changing booth and hope I can pull this off.
After my match I hustled it to the dressing room and stripped off my ring clothes and pulled on my street clothes as fast as I could, hoping I could do what Shane suggested and get the hell out before Dad knew I was gone. As I was heading for the dressing room, I could see Shane talking to Dad trying to distract him from noticing my leaving. Before I wrestled, Shane had told me he had talked Dwayne into taking Adam on a quick holiday to Reno, where Dwayne had a small cabin. It hurt knowing that Adam would be alone with Dwayne, but seeing how relaxed he was around him-even making him laugh genuinely a couple of times-it made me feel better knowing Adam would be with him and not alone.
"Going somewhere?"
I spun around and saw Dad standing there in his tights and "The Game" t-shirt.
"I…promised one of the guys I’d go out to dinner with him."
"Who?"
"Pardon?"
"Who are you meeting?" he approached.
I tried to think of a name when he grabbed me by the back of my head again.
"You weren’t thinking of sneaking out on me were you?"
"Let go." I try to get away, but he grips harder.
"See if I thought you were trying to sneak out on me, that would make me very angry and that is something you do not want me to be Matthew." He whispers in my ear.
I shudder at the way he says my name. It wasn’t erotic in the least but out of fear. The childish fear I’d have when he got angry and called me by my full first name.
"On the other hand, if you were sneaking out to get us a room, I might not be so angry, but see I already booked us a room." He showed me the keycard. "Now if you’re planning on leaving early, then take this and you better be there when I get there or there’ll be hell to pay." He shoves the keycard into my hand. "Oh and you’d better shower when you get there, because the only sweating you’re going to do is while I’m fucking you."
On that cheerful note, he lets go of my hair. "I’m serious Hardy. You better be there."
I’m shaking so bad when he leaves that I have to sit down or fall down. This can’t be happening, I keep telling myself over and over again, wishing I could wake up in Adam’s arms and realize my whole life to this point has been nothing but a nightmare.
I arrive at the hotel and check for messages and only find one from Dad, who obviously called after seeing me leave the arena.
Don’t forget what I said, it read.
I crumple up the note and stare at the keycard in my hand. I know I’m setting myself up for one hell of a payback for this but I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow myself to be bullied by another Helmsley even if this one is my dear sick demented father. "Excuse me." I say to the desk clerk.
"Yes Mr. Hardy?"
"I found this keycard at the arena tonight and I don’t know who it belongs to so I thought I’d bring it here."
"Oh thank you very much," he takes the card from me.
"I was wondering if you have a room available. A single." I ask, my nerves dancing a nervous tango.
I called Shane when I got to my room and he told me he’d be there shortly after getting his itinerary for his meeting. "Make sure you lock the door Matt," he warned. "God only knows what he’ll do if he finds out you’re not there."
"I know. Listen did Adam agree to go with Dwayne?"
"They’re on their way right now. Adam was a little hesitant about going but I mentioned that it was partially your idea. That he should spend some time with Dwayne to be sure if his feelings for him are real or not."
"What did he say?"
"Just to tell you ‘thank you’ for understanding."
"I don’t really, but it’s how it has to be for now."
"Listen, Vince is hollering for me. I should be there hopefully within an hour."
"Okay."
"Matt?"
"Hmm?"
A pause. "I love you."
I don’t know why his saying that to me surprised me but it did. "I…love you too." Now that surprised me, my saying it back.
I hung up and stared at the phone. Was what I felt for Shane love? I wonder. Or was I just saying it to be kind to him?
Not wanting to think about that right now. I gathered my things and headed for the shower, under which I just let the warm water spray over me, feeling its therapeutic effects as my sore muscles went from shooting pain to dull aches. I leaned back in the stall, letting the water hit my chest as I closed my eyes and thought about what it might be like to share a shower with Shane. Does he like to use shampoo or conditioner to lube? Or does he use something else? Does he like to be the sub or dom? Silly things like that, but what wasn’t so silly was the thought of him in here with me, his body warm, wet and most importantly naked. His lips on mine and on other body parts; body parts I let my fingers glide over sending shivers through me as I imagined him touching them, kissing them.
I let my hand slide down to my growing erection and begin stroking, pretending that Shane was in front of me taking me in his mouth. I bite my bottom lip as I think of him in front of me taking everything I was giving him and more with him being more than consenting. I toss my head back as I think of his lips trailing alongside of my neck and hearing him telling me how hot he thought I was and how much he wanted me. I grip the bar as I think …
"Oh Jesus-" I gasp as myself build and then explode, shooting my come all over the shower wall. I grip the bar with both hands as I recuperated, wishing I had his arms around me to calm me down, his hands stroking my back and his words to bring me back from the delirium he brought me to.
Fully recovered, I finish my shower. Dried off and dressed, I walk back into my room.
And get one hell of a nasty surprise.
"I thought I told you to be in my room." Dad says from the bed as he glares at me.
"How the hell did you get in here?"
He stood. "That doesn’t matter. What matters is that you don’t follow instructions. Now one thing you’re going to have to learn Hardy is when I tell you to be somewhere, you be there."
I turned to go hide in the bathroom, but he grabs my waist and throws me on the bed. I try climbing off but he has me pinned to the mattress.
"Don’t even think you can fight me Matt." He hisses.
But I do. I struggle like hell and try to knee him in the groin, but he has my wrists tight in his hands and has my legs spread so that if he wanted to he could knee me in the groin.
"What’re you trying to do?" he asks. "Make me hotter for you than I already am?"
"Why me?" I ask.
"Because I can. Besides, you are so fucking sexy." By now he’s flattened himself on top of me. "So fucking sexy."
I choke back bile as he begins placing kisses on my neck. I could feel him trying to grind his cock against mine.
"Mmm…you smell so good."
"Get off."
"I hope to."
"I mean it Hunter. Get off me or I’ll go to Vince."
He laughed. "Well if that’s the case, then I guess I’m in for another three years of enjoying you because that’s how long it took you to finally tell Vince about Shane isn’t it? Granted hubby was the one who finally blew the whistle, but it took you three years to even think of going to him." His expression turned dark. "Now just lay there and enjoy yourself. Maybe if you’re really good, I might let you have a title shot against me at the next pay-per-view."
He grips my wrists in one hand as he reaches down to undo his belt.
"Get off!" I shout hoping someone would hear me and come to see what was going on. For a second I’d thought of calling him ‘Dad’ to snap him out of it, but there was no fucking way in hell I was going to even acknowledge the fact we were related.
He covers my mouth with his hand. "Shut up!" he hisses. "Or by God I’ll break your fucking neck."
My eyes burned with tears but there was no way in hell I was going to give him the pleasure of seeing me lose my composure. I just closed my eyes and prayed for death as I felt his breath hot on my neck.
"So fucking hot." I heard him whisper before hearing the bang of a door opening.
"Get your fucking hands off him!"
I felt him fly away from me and heard the sound of something slamming against a wall. There was a scuffle before the slamming of a door. I didn’t see what was going on because I still had my eyes closed.
"Matt?"
I opened my eyes and saw Shane sitting on the bed next to me. I sat up and threw myself in his arms.
"It’s okay." He soothed. "He’s gone. He won’t hurt you now."
Oh no? I thought. Maybe not now, but who knows what’ll happen the next time?
"Here," Shane says as he hands me a glass of water, before lying next to me on the bed.
"Thanks," was all I could manage right then, my whole body still tremoring after what happened. I feel him hold me closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder. After Dad had left, I ran into the bathroom and taken another shower to get the smell of his cologne off me.
"I should’ve known he’d pull something like this," Shane whispers, stroking my hair. "What I don’t get though is how can he not know who you are?"
"I don’t know. I don’t use his name anymore."
"Yeah but you would think a father would know his son."
"Could we talk about something else? What did Vince want?"
"Nothing. Turns out Hunter told him that I wanted to see him after the show. When I got here, I asked where Hunter was and Torrie said that he’d come in while she was checking in and he looked pretty pissed when the clerk had given him his spare keycard, saying that you’d turned it in when you came in."
"Christ. I’ll be so glad when the SmackDown tapings are over with." I sipped the water Shane had given me.
"You may not have to wait until then."
"What do you mean?"
"I know you’ll probably get mad at me for this, but I scratched your match for SmackDown. I thought the sooner we get out of California the better. Especially after what happened tonight, because I get a sick feeling tonight was only the beginning with Hunter."
"Get a hold of Dwayne?"
"Yeah, on the way here. They were just getting to Reno when I called. I talked to Adam and he said something about being worried about you, that he had this feeling something was going on but he didn’t know what."
I sighed, remembering the ‘sixth sense’ we’d had while in the attic. Nice to know his still worked. "You don’t think he’d go after Adam do you?"
"I think it’s you he wants. Not Adam." Shane paused. "Man I’d love to know how he got so fucking warped."
"There’s only one person who can answer that."
"Pat?"
I nodded when an idea came to me. "Where’s your meeting?"
"Stamford. Why?"
"Do you think we could make a stop in Greenwich?"
"Why?"
I look at him. "To pay dear old granddad a visit."
"Sure? After what happened the last time…" I forget he’s read the journals.
"I’m sure. That bastard owes me some more answers and I’m going to hound him until he gives them to me even if it kills him."
35
I waited in Shane’s office while he held his meeting in the conference room.
When we walked in that morning, I’m sure the WWF office water cooler gossips perked right up. See the office isn’t impervious to on-the-road gossip, in fact it thrives on it so seeing Shane and me together sent the wag’s tongues flapping and I’m sure there’s quite a few private e-mails about us burning up the broadband wires inside the building.
But I didn’t care. Let them talk. I had other things on my mind.
Sitting at a table Shane had in his office, I looked at some of the photos I asked the archive to send up. Most of them were in ring photos of me Adam and Jeff as well as some posed that we’d done for articles and posters, but the ones I was looking at now were those of my mother.
I remember when Mom said she was going to have her jaw worked on because of the pain it was causing her. For weeks she good-naturedly put up with our teasing about picking up stations from other countries with her braces, but when she’d had it done, you’d never seen four more devoted nursemaids as my brothers and I. Adam and I helped Sara take care of the chores as well as the twins, who would read or at least try to read-they were about three at the time-some of their storybooks to her with her correcting them when they got the words wrong. I can’t really remember Dad being around during this time or maybe my memories are more selective as I got older.
I set one photo down and pick up another, this one from a fashion spread she did for a mainstream magazine. In it she was wearing a dark cream business suit, the color setting off her jet-black hair and brown eyes, and the brightest smile I’d seen her give outside of home. I stare at it, thinking the photo would somehow move and she would talk to me as I wondered if she and Dad had truly been happy while they were married. If she was so afraid of him that she called her parents almost begging them to start custody proceedings. If Dad had been the one responsible for her death.
"Still miss her?"
I look up and see Shane walk into the office. "Yeah," I say as he sets his briefcase down on his desk.
"Well Howard’s coming by in a few minutes. He was working that night so maybe he can answer some questions."
"Did he ask why we want to talk about that night?"
"I told him it was because Vince was talking about having Amy do stunts like your Mom did and that I wanted to make sure that she didn’t get killed doing it. Hopefully he’ll let something slip about what might’ve been going on with your parents."
I gather up the photos and put them back in their archive folder, pausing only to look at the one of me, Adam and Jeff taken before the Survivor Series where we teamed with Ken Shamrock and Gangrel to take on the Nation of Domination, which was being led by Dwayne at the time. I called Adam before we came here and he sounded so relaxed for the first time in so long that I almost felt like crying though I didn’t know why. Maybe being with me reminded him of the hell we’d gone through and that he needed someone who could take him away from all that.
A knock on the door brought me back to the present as Howard Finkel walked into Shane’s office. I slid the photo back into the case and shoved it to one side as Howard sat across from me with a coffee cup in his hand, making me miss Adam even more.
"Matt," he greeted as he looked at Shane. "So what’s this I hear about Vince wanting Amy to perform some stunts?"
"Well," Shane sits between Howard and I. "Nothing’s been confirmed but it turns out that Dad’s been mumbling about making the women’s division more athletic and less eye candy and he wants to start by letting some of the girls take the more serious bumps like being put through tables and taking stage dives."
"I thought after Chyna was killed on that one fall, Vince put a moratorium on doing stage dives for the girls."
"Well he’s starting to change his mind a bit. But what I need to know is what happened the night Chyna was killed so we don’t make the same mistakes again."
I watched as Howard sipped his coffee thoughtfully. "Well I know everything was set up properly. The crew chief went through and made sure everything was fastened tightly. I still don’t know how that trap door opened the way it did."
"Trap door?" I ask.
"Yeah we had a trap door set up under the stage. I think we were using it for one of Undertaker’s entrances. Anyways, things were going smoothly. It was a mixed tag match with Shawn Michaels and Sherri Martel and they were battling on stage. The next thing I know was Hunter stumbled and when he made contact with Chyna, she fell back and through the trap door. She struck her head on one of the metal bars and it looked like her neck was either strained or broken."
"What happened backstage?" Shane asked. "Were they able to tell if it was broken or strained?"
"No the EMT’s never had a chance before she went into cardiac arrest." Howard sipped his coffee. "There is one thing that sticks out in my head though."
"What’s that?"
"Hunter’s reaction. Normally when you see someone you love like that, you’re pretty hysterical. Of course it doesn’t apply to everyone, but there was something odd about him that night."
"Odd?"
"It was the look on his face, as though he was willing her to die."
I think I felt my heart skip a beat.
"I tell you Shane it was the most hateful look I’d ever seen any man towards his wife and you’re looking at someone who’s been married a few times."
"Had there been anything going on before then?" I ask dreading the answer.
"What do you mean?"
"Had they been fighting or anything like that?"
Howard was thoughtful again. "There was this one argument I recall vaguely. Though I don’t know what it has to do with the women’s division."
"We’re just curious." Shane said. "You know how we thrive on gossip."
"True. Anyways from what best I could remember, Joanie had said something about wanting to take their kids away from him. Said she’d be damned if she was going to allow Hunter’s family have anything to do with them. I think that was the night before, if I recall. Then after she’d died he’d taken some time off before Vince bought the company and after his mother died, he decided to come back."
"He ever mention the children?" Shane asks.
"Nope. Said that they were with her parents and that was the last anyone ever heard of them. Listen, I know you wanted to go over some things, but I’ve got a meeting of my own to get to so if you don’t need me right now…"
"Oh sure." Shane stood as had Howard. "Thanks a lot though."
"Sure. Nice to see you again Matt."
"Same here," I forced myself to speak.
"Oh Shane." Howard said at the door. "Is it official? Hunter’s retiring after this WrestleMania?"
"Yeah."
"I thought I’d heard that. I bet Vince’ll throw his son in law one hell of a retirement party."
"I’m sure he will," Shane said before Howard left. "Though nothing like the one we’re going to throw for him."
"Not much to go on." I said. "Though I’d like to know what the hell scared her about our father’s family other than the obvious."
"Well did you want to hit the vault before we go to lunch?"
"Yeah." I stood picking up the photo case. I turned to leave and found myself with Shane’s arms around me.
I just sighed and let him hold me.
"We’re going to nail him." He whispers.
I just wish I felt as confident as he did.
After returning the photos, we headed for the video vault hoping the footage of Mom’s accident was in there but after a frustrating search, which included going through the computer database and viewing different matches from that night, there was no sign of that match in particular.
"I don’t get it," I say after putting a tape on the shelf. "There’s footage from that night, but not of the match my parents had."
"Well I did say Vince kept it pretty quiet."
"Yeah but I didn’t think he’d keep it this quiet." I say walking to the desk where he’d sat going through the computer.
"You don’t think Vince had something to do with the accident?"
"I doubt it, but I do think it’s odd that that particular match was edited out of any film."
"Which means the tapes had to be doctored before Vince bought the company." Shane said. "But if that’s the case, then why?"
"I don’t know," I say. "But I’ll bet there’s a bitter old man who might know what’s going on."
We were quiet on the trip to Greenwich. Shane with concentrating on the road and me steeling myself to face my grandfather again and thinking of questions to ask him.
"Are you sure Dad and Stephanie won’t be there?" I ask.
"Positive. Unless he’s been following us all this time, they should be in Washington State for the next round of programs."
"What did the butler say when you called and told him you were coming by?"
"Nothing he can say. I’ve dropped by unannounced before. I just asked if Pat was up to having visitors and he said yes."
We paused at a red light. "You’re sure you want to do this?" he asks me.
"Absolutely."
I feel him take my hand in his. "When this is over with we should talk about things."
"Like what we’re going to do next?"
"Like what our future might hold if there is one."
I say nothing, not wanting to think that far ahead and get my hopes up.
As we approach the house, every nerve of mine is jumping. I can’t believe it was only a few weeks ago that I’d come here to satiate my curiosity as well as confront the bastard who made our lives a living hell and here I was again, this time vowing not to let his push my buttons again, to not make me feel guilty about what happened.
I take a deep shaky breath before getting out of the car, Shane in tow and walk toward the house again. The air’s getting a little chilly but it feels warmer than I do at this moment.
We enter the house and I watch as Shane removes his coat showing the snug fitting sweater he’d been wearing that day. I let my eyes roam to the equally well fitting Dockers he was wearing as well.
"You know," he says, glancing over the mail before looking at me. "Gawking at me will just postpone things."
I smile before he gives me a kiss. We hear someone come downstairs and I look up and see Robert come down the stairs giving me a funny look like ‘what the hell are you doing back here?’
"Good afternoon Robert," Shane greets. "Is Pat awake?"
Robert’s eyes never leave me. "Yes he is. In fact he’s been expecting you."
"Come on Matt." Shane says, as we brush by Robert and head upstairs.
I pause briefly at the top and look to my left toward the closed double doors, which concealed our prison.
"Don’t think of that now." He whispers. "Come on."
I follow Shane to my grandfather’s bedroom door. Shane knocks three times before hearing, "Come in."
Shane opens the door and I see my grandfather sitting in the same chair I had sat in the night he summoned me here. The room had been changed around since I’d been here last.
"Well Shane," I watch grandfather set his book down and remove his reading glasses. "To what do I owe this-" It’s now that he sees me standing there. "What the hell is he doing here?"
"What? No warm greeting for your grandson?" Shane walks over and sits on the chest in front of the bed. I remain by the door.
"I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve never seen him before in my life."
"Oh really? Then why did you just turn white as a ghost when you saw him?"
"I thought you were coming alone. I didn’t know you were bringing company."
"I swear I could’ve said something to Robert about it. Oh well," Shane shrugged. "So how’re you doing Pat?"
"Better." Grandfather’s eyes never left me, but I stared right back.
"Good, good. Then hopefully that means you’re up for some questions."
"What sort of questions?" He now looks at Shane.
"About Paul."
"What about him?"
"Well not to beat around the bush, but at what age did he turn into a sadistic shit?"
"Now you listen here-"
"No you listen. I know everything you, Gerald and Paul did to Matt and his brothers and God so help me Pat, either you start answering some questions or we’re going public."
"You wouldn’t dare." His tone was deadly as he looked back at me. "Besides, I don’t think he’d want anyone to know he and his brother are married."
"Were." Shane corrected. "They were married. And even then, I could slough it off as being a publicity stunt. So tell me Pat, how did Paul get so fucking warped that he’d even rape his eldest son?"
He looks at Shane. "Is that what Adam said it was? We were just teaching the boy a lesson." Grandfather then looked back at me. "Frankly you’re the one who should’ve been taught the lesson, but Paul figured since Adam was the eldest then he should’ve known better."
"I bet it made you feel like a big man huh? Helping your son and butler rape a fourteen year old boy – correction your fourteen year old grandson."
"I never acknowledged any of them as my grandchildren. In fact the whole lot of them shouldn’t even have been born. Especially you," he spat at me.
"Whose sick idea was it to lock them away to begin with?"
"Paul called me. Said the whore’s parents wanted custody of them. Frankly I said he should’ve let them have them, but he didn’t want to risk them finding out what had gone on in their relationship. So I told him to bring them here and we’ll fix things."
"What sort of things?"
"The first being getting back in his mother’s good graces."
"Oh of course. Make sure he gets her money, after all God knows you’d never see a dime of it and if he hadn’t conned his way back into the family, you wouldn’t have a pot to piss in."
"I have my own money."
"But it isn’t stretching the way you hoped it would has it?" Shane continued. "After all those bad habits you had are finally catching up with aren’t they? And all the doctors used to keep your pitiful self alive must be eating into that little nest egg of yours isn’t it?"
Grandfather was silent.
"You said he didn’t want the Laurers to know what was going on in their relationship." I speak up. "What did he mean?"
"Like I’m going to tell you."
"Then tell me." Shane said. "Either way we’re not leaving until you’ve answered some questions for us."
"Just what the hell do you want from me!" he shouted. "I’m a sick old man and you have to come here and pull this shit on me-"
"Did my father murder my mother?" I got out before his rant went any further.
"What?"
"Did my father murder my mother? The night she died, he knocked her so that she would fall down through a trap door. Did he plan it or was it an accident as he said it was."
There was an uneasy silence as I waited for my answer.
"I don’t know anything about that. All I know is when Paul had called me after she died, he swore up and down that it was an accident."
"But it wasn’t, was it?"
"I said I don’t know about that."
"Bullshit." I moved closer to him. "You mean to sit there and tell in all the time you two were plotting to kill us he never once mentioned how my mom died, or even bragged about doing it?"
"Never. All he told me was she had an accident and that was it."
Shane and I looked at each other.
"Listen I don’t care if you don’t believe me or not. But that’s all I know about that whore’s death. Now if you’ll excuse me I’d like to be left alone."
"Let me ask you something grandfather, did you ever rape your son while he was growing up?"
"What? How dare you!"
"Then explain to me why he did it to Adam and why he tried to do it to me last night?"
There was a funny look in his eyes. I didn’t know how to read it, but it looked something like surprise tempered with hate. "I told you why he did it to Adam and as far as you go, you probably asked for it."
"You know what I find funny is you claim to have had sources keeping you up to date with Adam and Matt, but yet Paul has no idea they’re his children. How is that Pat?" Shane asked. "More importantly, why is that?"
Grandfather folded his hands on his lap.
"The why is simple. As I told Matthew, if word ever got out about his having children from his first marriage then the will is null and void. He gets completely cut off without a dime. And as far as Paul not knowing who you are to him, it’s my business. Not yours." He looked at the both of us. "Neither of yours."
"Come on Shane, this is pointless. I don’t know why I bothered."
Shane stood up and walked with me to the door.
"Shane?"
We stopped and glared at him.
"From now on the only time I want you in this house is when your family is here and never, ever bring him back here again."
"Fine with me." I say. "Because I never want to see you again."
We walk out of the room, closing the door behind us. It isn’t until we’re downstairs and Shane’s putting his coat on when he speaks, "I don’t know Matt, there’s something weird going on."
"Why?"
"I don’t know. I just get that vibe from him. He’s up to something."
I look back up the staircase. "What do you think it is?"
"I don’t know but whatever it is, it’s not going to be pretty. Question is, who’s he plotting against? You or Hunter?"
I take what I hope is my last look around this place before walking out with Shane beside me.
"No Vince, the meeting went really well. Yeah, hopefully we’ll have some new advertisers in line for Raw. Okay, why don’t I call you in the morning to let you know the details? Okay. Say hi to Mom and Steph for me. Mmm-hmm. Bye." Shane hangs up the phone before setting back in his chair.
I stand in the doorway to his home office. Instead of letting me get a room at a hotel, Shane insisted on having me stay at his brownstone apartment while we were in Stamford. The ride back was one long silent ride, with what Shane said about grandfather being up to something echoing in my head.
"Do you have any idea how right you look standing there?" he said, interrupting my thoughts.
"How do you mean?"
"I’ve always wanted to have someone stand in the doorway watching me do business and for some reason, I always pictured it to be you."
I shake my head. "You’re getting sappy McMahon."
"I know." He gets out of his chair and walks out of the office, shutting the light off behind him. "Well enough business for one night." He slides an arm around my waist. "How hungry are you?"
"I’m not really. I guess being around grandfather tends to kill one’s appetite."
"So do you want take-out or I could dazzle you with my culinary skills and make you a sumptuous feast."
"In other words, you’ll dig something out of the freezer and pop it in the microwave?" I pushed a stray hair out of his eyes.
"Exactly."
I smile, which makes him smile. "Somehow the thought of microwaved chicken doesn’t sound too appealing."
"Then how about take out? I’ve got some menus by the phone. You can pick out what you want. Guest’s choice tonight."
We walk into his living room where I sit by the phone and go through the menus. The room is comfortable with plush, overstuffed leather chairs and sofa done in caramel with a large entertainment center against the wall stuffed with top of the line equipment and errant tapes and DVDs and CD’s scattered about. I look over the top of the Chinese menu to watch him look over some CD’s and picking one he pops it into the DVD/CD player.
"So finally make up your mind?" he plops down next to me.
"I’m debating between Chinese and Mexican."
"Chinese is better."
"I thought it was my decision."
"I know. I’m just helping."
"I got an e-mail from Adam today." I try to decide between the beef and broccoli or the glazed chicken.
"How’re things going?"
"You know you sounded a bit too cheerful when you asked that."
"Sorry."
"They’re going okay. He’s griping because Dwayne won’t let him drink as much coffee as he usually does. Says Dwayne’s worried his blood pressure’s going to be out of whack like mine."
"Well yours is from years of stress."
"Know what I was thinking?"
"Hmm?"
"The holidays are coming up soon and this’ll be the first time we’ve spent them apart."
"Don’t you guys go to Mick and Collette's?"
"Yeah but Adam said Dwayne’s parents want to meet him. He’s nervous as hell about it."
"Sounds serious."
"Yeah it does." I felt like there was a hole in my chest. We’d always spent Christmas with Mick and Collette and I’d hoped we could’ve done so this year without any pretenses but as always fate seems to want to fuck things up.
"Matt?"
"Hmm?"
"Have you decided what you want?"
"Chinese." I hand him the menu. "The ginger glazed chicken."
"Do they know you’ve split up?"
"Well if Al stays true to form then they probably do by now. He sort of appointed himself to be our snitch. If we sneeze, he’s on the phone to Mick."
"At least he cares."
I just nod.
"Let it go for tonight." Shane tells me. "Just don’t think of your grandfather, of Hunter or Adam. Just think about Matt."
"Easier said than done."
"Then let me see if I can help with that."
I turned to look at him just as he took my lips on his. It was then he reached for the remote and turned on the player, allowing the sounds of the Rolling Stones fill the room. It took me a moment to think of what the song was until the first words were sung:
Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses couldn't drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or off stage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses couldn't drag me away
I know I've dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken tears must be cried
Let's do some living after we die
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses we'll ride them someday
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses we'll ride them someday
"That’s how I feel about you," he whispers. "I can’t explain it but that’s how I’ve always felt about you."
I really didn’t know what to say to that so I didn’t, something Shane made very easy when he kissed me again. He nudged me down on the sofa and we lay there like that, in each other’s arms just kissing, with his lips sliding up to kiss away the tears that had snuck out from my eyelids.
Then my cell phone interrupted us like a spoiled child.
"I swear if that’s Adam or Dwayne, they’re fired." Shane mutters in my ear.
I laugh as I answer. "Hello?"
"Thought you were pretty slick sneaking off like that huh Hardy?"
My body went rigid at the sound of my father’s voice.
"Matt what is it?" Shane whispers.
"Oh I take it you’re not alone." Dad says. "Well I’ll make this brief. You and I have a match next week on Raw. If you win, you get a title shot and I leave you alone. I win and you become my fuck toy for one night; no interruptions and no little stunts like that one you pulled the other night. Deal?"
My mouth went dry and I couldn’t find my voice for a second.
"Time’s ticking Hardy. What’s your answer?"
I look at Shane who’s looking back in concern. "Who is it?" he mouths.
"Tick-tock Hardy."
"Fine," I snap. "Yes, you’ve got your damn match! Now leave me alone!"
"Give me that." Shane grabs the phone out of my hand. "Hunter is that you? Hunter! Damn! He hung up." He looks at me. "Was that Hunter?"
I nod, my body shaking.
"What did he want? What match did he want?"
"He said we have a match on Raw next Monday and if he won…"
"What?"
"If he won, I have to sleep with him."
"Fuck!" Shane stood up and began pacing. "What the hell is with him?"
"I don’t know." I whispered.
"Matt…Matt I promise you he will not win that match. I’ll talk to Dwayne, Steve, Kurt -get one of them to interfere or whatever."
"It won’t do any good. He’ll just think of something else." I sit up.
"Damn." He runs his hands through his hair. "You know what I should do, I should go to Vince about this."
I barked out a laugh. "Gee why does that sound so familiar to me?"
"It’s different this time."
"It won’t matter Shane. Vince will not listen to you."
"How’re you so sure about that?"
I want to tell him what Da-Hunter said about him, but I’m not sure if now’s the time.
"Matt, don’t bottle it in. How’re you so sure about Vince not believing me?"
"Because of the trouble you got in because of me before."
"Yeah but it’s not about me now. Hunter’s supposed to be married to my sister, Daddy’s little princess. If he finds out Hunter’s cheating on her, then he is not going to be a happy camper."
"Shane please let me handle this." The familiar throbbing was starting in my head.
"You’ve handled things on your own for too damned long Matt. You know it’s like I said that night in Raleigh; you just can’t bear to let anyone help you, can you?"
I’ve curled up into a ball resting my head on my knees, God my head feels like it’s going to implode.
"Matt?" Shane’s voice sounds so distant compared to the thunderous pounding going on between my ears. "Matt? Where’s your medication? Upstairs?"
I could barely nod. I can’t recall how long he was gone, all I could do is pray for the pain to go away with tears running down my face at how bad this was. This was worse than any sort of hit I took in the ring.
"Here," he says handing me a glass of water and two of the tablets that the doctor in Cameron had prescribed me. I take them with some difficulty. Shane takes the glass and gently pushes me down on the couch. "Just lie down," he says. "Do you feel sick to your stomach or anything like that?"
"No."
"What did the doctor say about this?"
"That it was just a stress headache similar to a migraine. Could you turn the light off please?"
He shuts off the lamp by my side of the sofa and turns down the stereo. "Better?"
"A little."
"Well I guess Chinese is out of the question. How about we just order a pizza?"
I nod and lay there as Shane, using the phone on the stand, ordered two medium pizzas; one with meat toppings and one plain. He just sat there on the floor by the sofa and looked at me, while stroking my hair, something that felt oddly reassuring. "That match is not happening Matt. I don’t care what Hunter thinks, you’re not getting in the ring with him. When we reconnect with them in Chicago, I’m going to Vince and if he won’t listen then Mom will."
"That’s what everyone told me I should’ve done with you. Raven told me if Vince didn’t listen then go to Linda. Said Vince maybe the boss but Linda was the law."
He chuckled before getting a look on his face, as though a light bulb had gone off. "Why didn’t I think of that?"
"What?"
"Raven. He worked here around the time your Mom and Hunter were together, you know when he had the whole ‘Johnny Polo’ gimmick going. In fact, he worked the archive for a while. He might know what happened to the footage."
He grabbed the phone and a small Rolodex out of the end table drawer. "God I hope his cell number’s the same," Shane said.
"I remember Jeff teasing him about his ‘Scotty Flamingo’ gimmick." I say. "He said something like "‘one punch bingo’ huh, you really sucked that bad in bed?"
"What did Raven say?"
"That he did until after he met Jeff. Said Jeff was the best teacher he’d ever had."
I watched Shane cradle the receiver between his chin and shoulder as he dialed the number, straining to see the numbers as the light on the end table was off. "C’mon, c’mon…" he said under his breath. "Hey! Who’s this? Oh hey Sean listen, is Raven right there? Yeah I’ll wait." A pause. "Hey Scotty, it’s Shane. Listen, do you remember the night Chyna was killed in that fall through the trap door? Yeah Matt’s mom. Yeah, we taped that right? Do you know what happened to the footage of that match? Well, Matt wanted to know what happened and- what? Who the fuck authorized that?" A pause. "Oh he did? Said he didn’t want it to upset the kids. What about the master tape? That got it too? Shit. Listen do you know who else might have that footage? Okay. I’ll try them though I don’t hold out too much hope for Sherri though. Thanks man. Mmm-hmm. No don’t worry about it. You’ve been helpful enough. Bye." He hung up. "Now that’s interesting."
"What?"
He looks at me. "You’ll never guess who got their grubby little paws on the footage."
"Hunter?"
"And Pat."
"Pat?" Now I was intrigued.
"I forgot that he worked in the offices before Vince bought the company. Raven said Pat had come down to the post-production area and asked them not to put the footage of what happened to Chyna in because he was worried it might- quote, unquote- ‘scare her children’ and to edit the master tape in the same way. Said Hunter had asked him to do that for him."
"Wait a minute. Hunter said he was never in touch with his parents until after Mom died saying that he’d been disowned." After what happened on the phone I can no longer refer to Hunter, Paul whoever he was as ‘Dad’ anymore.
"Yeah but there’s a possibility that Shawn and Sherri might actually have copies that didn’t get edited."
"How’s that?"
"It used to be the wrestlers would get copies of their matches to study to check their technique. Though we haven’t done that much lately though and Raven’s pretty sure that Shawn and Sherri’s tapes escaped unedited."
"Would they tell Hunter if we were to talk to them? I mean Shawn and Hunter were pretty tight."
"Yeah but there was that fall out they had after DX remember?"
"Vaguely."
"Well from what I gather they’re not exactly on speaking terms so I don’t think we have to worry about him snitching us out, especially since he doesn’t know you’re Hunter’s son."
"Okay," I say. "What do we tell him as to why we want the tape?"
"Same thing we told Howard. That Vince wants the girls to start taking more serious bumps and that we want to make sure that they don’t get killed." He leans forward and kisses me on my temple, which has now dulled to a slow pulsing ache and not the knife stabs I felt earlier. "Don’t worry my Dark Angel, we’ll get the bastard one way or the other."
And in that second, I honestly believe we would.
36
"To tell you the truth Shane-o," Shawn says as we walk through his living room to get to his video room, "I don’t know if I still have that tape."
Shane and I had arrived in San Antonio only three hours ago. He decided it would be best if we surprised Shawn rather than calling and taking the chance of him calling Hunter to let him know what we were up to. My headache had subsided considerably since last night, but there was this constant aching in my skull, like when you’ve been hit in the head and it’s two or three days later and it still hurts.
"Well here it is, the Heartbreak Kid’s memorial tape library."
We enter a room which is nothing more than in-laid shelves three of the walls, the fourth holding an entertainment system similar to Shane’s but with a larger television. Shane and I watch as Shawn clears some toys off the floor and tosses them onto the sofa. "Cam likes to watch "Blue’s Clues" in here," Shawn explains as he walks to the wall on the other side of the room. "You remember the date of the match Shane?"
Shane tells him and it doesn’t take long for him to find it. "Okay," Shawn says slipping the tape into the machine and rewinds the tape as he turns the television on. "You know it was the craziest thing that night," he says as he flips channels while we wait. "I mean it was just supposed to be a regular mixed tag and when Pat had come in and told us not just about the stunt but that we were taping that night, we were all pretty surprised, seeing how it was just supposed to be a house show."
"Wait a minute, Pat told you about the stunt?" I asked.
"Yeah. Said the program was going in another direction wanted to make it more in line with the stories from Raw. Get people to tune in. Anyways, Joanie was not thrilled in the least about it. Said she didn’t want to take the chance of her kids seeing it and getting scared like they had done at a WrestleMania."
I remember the one he’s referring to. Hunter was facing Undertaker and as part of the match, he had to chokeslam her off the stage. Adam and I worried but the twins were so scared that Mom told the owner that she wasn’t going to do any stunts like that when we came to the shows. "She talk about her kids much?" I venture.
"All the damn time." He chuckles. "They were a cute bunch, especially the twins. Man you should’ve seen the way Tammy and Rena doted on those two when Joanie had to wrestle. Joanie always referred to them as her miracle babies. She said her first two were difficult, but when she was having the twins, there were so many complications she thought she was going to lose them."
I remember that too. How the doctor had ordered strict bed rest through the pregnancy and had had her in the hospital for the last trimester because of her blood pressure then there was the touch and go situations when Christian was underweight and Jeff was born and didn’t start crying right away… I force these thoughts from my head as Shawn continues talking.
"You know I thought it was weird when Paul came back and he didn’t have them with him. He said her parents had them but whenever anyone asked abut them he got real short tempered like he didn’t want to be bothered with talking about him. Unlike me, hell all someone has to do is ask me about Cameron and I can’t shut up."
The machine thumped as the tape came to a stop.
"All right then," he says pushing the play button on the remote.
I held my breath as the matches unfolded. It was weird seeing so many of my parents friends in their glory days and how some of them were still around like Mark. I smile when I see a Quebecers match and see Raven – then know as Johnny Polo – jumping around like a loon, thinking if Jeff were still here how he’d get a kick out of his man act like an idiot.
We stood watching one of Mark’s matches when the screen started changing.
"What the fuck?" Shawn asked as the picture changed and it was coming as a beginning to a soap opera.
"What happened?" Shane asked.
"Oh Jesus Rebecca!" He sighed. "Damn her and that ‘Young and the Restless’."
No, not when we thisclose.
"I was organizing the shelves and had left some tapes out and she must’ve grabbed one for her fucking soap."
Christ I felt like crying.
"I’m sorry guys, really I am." He shut the tape off. "If it had been something of Cameron then I might be more forgiving but this… Dammit. Oh she is so going to get an ass ripping for this. I told her not to touch any of my fucking tapes…"
I only half listened to Shawn’s ramblings. All I could think about was how close we had been to proving Hunter had murdered Mom and how like everything else it all went to hell.
"All I can say Shane-o is that I’m sorry man."
So fucking close but so goddamned far.
"It’s okay." He says touching my shoulder.
We say our goodbyes and leave. Sitting in the car, Shane looks at me. "Don’t worry Matt. All we have to do is find out where Sherri lives and then get the tape from her."
I don’t know. I get this sinking feeling we’ll find her and she’ll probably dead on the floor and the tape missing, which would be par for the course at the rate we’re going.
"Thanks Debbie. Yeah if you can get me a number or an address, we’d really appreciate it. Yeah, tell Mom we’ll be in Chicago for Raw."
I lay on the bed in our hotel room listening to Shane talk to his secretary.
"He what?"
I look over at him and he has a concerned look on his face.
"Well is there going to be some sort of run-in from one of the guys? No? Damn. Okay, talk to you later Deb." He hangs up. "Shit."
"What?"
He looks down at me. "Hunter booked the match for you two Monday with the stipulation that if there’s any outside interference then whoever interferes will never get a title shot as long as he’s champion and Vince is going with it."
"Great. Any luck on finding where Sherri is?"
"No but Debbie thinks she knows someone who’s working the independent scene who might know where she is."
"I hope we find her."
"We will."
A phone rings again and this time it’s my cell phone. Shane and I look at it warily, thinking Hunter could be on the other end.
"Want me to answer it?" Shane asks.
I nod.
He reaches past me and picks it up. "Hello? Yeah he’s right here. Hold on." He hands me the phone. "It’s Adam." He hands me the phone before heading out to the balcony to give me some privacy.
"Hey." I greet, rolling onto my left side and watch Shane through the open door.
"Hey yourself." God he sounds so relaxed and happy. "Where’re you guys? When we got to Reno, Dwayne called and said that you and Shane were in California but when we talked to one of the other guys, they said that you’d left the arena and didn’t show up for the SmackDown taping."
"We had some business to take care of back east."
"Oh."
"Listen Adam, I have something to tell you."
"What?" his voice changes from light to serious.
"I’ve got a match against Hunter at Raw on Monday."
"What?" he asked in disbelief. "How the hell did that happen?"
Oh, I just agreed to some sick demands of his. "I don’t know, just something Vince threw together," I lie. "But enough about that, how’s Reno?"
"Reno was fine. We’re in Ann Arbor right now for some publicity and we’re going to hook up with you guys in Chicago."
"How’re things with you and Dwayne?" I ask with a heavy heart.
"Good. We’re going slowly. Though he still wants me to meet his parents for the holidays."
"Well that’s good. Isn’t it?"
"I don’t know. I mean what if they ask about who our parents are and what they do and what happened during those five years?"
"Do what we normally do."
"Lie?" He sighed. "I’m tired of lying Matt. I want a relationship where I don’t have to lie to people about things. I want one where I don’t have deny having a brother just so we could…"
"In other words you don’t want a relationship like the one we’ve had?"
"I’m sorry Matt, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I never loved you. I do. I just…I’m just so sick of lying."
Well hopefully after WrestleMania we won’t have to anymore.
"Then there’s worrying about whether or not I’m good enough for him."
"Oh please, he should worry about being good enough for you."
"Another thing, he’s starting to ask questions."
"Like what?"
"About the scars on my back. About the nightmares. I know he wants to get to know me better but I’m afraid if I tell him the truth, he’s gonna dump me and then no one’ll want me."
I will. "Well if he can’t handle the truth then he wasn’t right for you anyway. Listen Adam, don’t obsess so much about things. Just keep taking things slow and just tell him that you’re not up to talking about things. And speaking of talking about things, how’s the cyber-therapy going?"
He laughs. "Pretty good. Funny thing is when I take too long to answer she thinks I’m editing my answers, but the real problem is, I’m not the fastest typist in the world as you well know."
"Has Dwayne asked about that?"
"Once. He thought I was having a sex chat with someone and asked why he couldn’t participate. Then when I told him I was IMing my therapist, he said something like, "sounds kinky" and raises that damn eyebrow of his, trying to be funny. But he knows this is the only way for me to continue therapy while on the road so when I’m on having a session he usually heads out with some of the guys for a couple of hours."
"Has it been helping?"
"A little. I still have nightmares but luckily no night terrors. We’ve been getting into what went on in the attic and everything now."
"Have you discussed us?"
"Not yet, but it’s a possibility."
I say nothing.
"Well listen I’ll let you go and I’ll see you in Chicago. And Matt?"
"What?"
"Give Dad a hell of an ass beating for all of us."
"He’ll be lucky to get out of the ring alive." I shut my phone off and set it on the nightstand.
"Coast clear?" Shane asks standing in the doorway of the balcony.
"Yeah."
He renters the room, closing the door behind him and sides on the bed next to me so that we’re face to face. "You sounded pretty serious when you said Hunter was gonna be lucky to get out of the ring alive."
"I am serious. I’m seriously thinking about asking for a ‘last man standing’ match so I can really get my frustrations out."
"Sure that’s a good idea?" he asks, reaching out to touch my hair. "Given the headaches and everything you’ve suffered so far."
I don’t know how it happened but soon we were so close to each other that our foreheads touched and our breaths mingled with each other.
"I wanna do this Shane. I don’t like the stipulation but I can’t wait to get my hands on the bastard after all he’d put us through."
I felt his arm wrap around me and his hand slide up and down my back. "Well why don’t we worry more about getting our hands all over each other instead?" he whispers before kissing me.
I smiled lazily before feeling his lips on mine. I moved my body next to his so he could hold me to him. I went to turn him over onto his back, but instead, he rolled me onto mine with that cheeky little grin of his. "You got to top last time. Now it’s my turn."
I felt a shiver go through me when he said those words.
Then wouldn’t you know it, the damn hotel phone rings.
Shane grabs it on the second ring. "Hello? Oh hi Deb, what have you got?" A long pause as he slides off me. "Oh no. Are you sure? Okay thanks." He hangs up and sighs in exasperation.
"Now what?"
"Turns out Sherri’s working the Far East for the rest of the year and that she won’t be back until April."
"When’s WrestleMania this year?"
"End of March. Vince told us while we were in California."
"Oh yeah, God hates us."
"Damn." He looks at me with those sad puppy eyes of his. "Matt, I’m sorry. I honestly thought we would get the footage."
"Maybe we can try the internet. Maybe someone smuggled a camcorder in that night."
"Maybe but I don’t know. It’s a long shot. Security against that was pretty tight under the old management."
I sighed and closed my eyes.
"We’ll get him Matt."
"How?" I sit up and look at him. "There’s no proof as to what he did to Mom. The only other person who might have the proof isn’t even in the country and to top it off I’ve got to win that damn match or I wind up being my sick perverted father’s sex toy for one night, maybe more if he comes up with another stipulation."
He sits up and starts rubbing my back to try and calm me down. "So what do you want to do?"
I look at him. "Make it a ‘last man standing’ match. If I have to face him and if I have to lose, I’m gonna make damn sure he’s too hurt to do anything that night."
Shane wraps his arms around me, though I’m not thinking of him right now. All I can think about is how badly I’m going to beat the man who gave me life.
37
We arrived in Chicago Sunday night and got a surprise when we saw Adam and Dwayne waiting for us outside the gate. I’d been in a rotten mood all through the flight from San Antonio after our two setbacks but seeing Adam looking as content as I’d seen him put me in a better mood though the feeling was bittersweet.
Shane and Dwayne rode up front in the rental while Adam and I sat in the back. While the front seat talked about what had been going on, Adam and I didn’t say too much.
"I talked to Mick and Collette yesterday after I called you." Adam announced looking at me.
"How’re they?"
"Good. I told them about us. I hope you didn’t mind."
"Better from one of us than Al."
He nodded. "Nervous about tomorrow night?"
You have no idea big brother of mine. "A little. We’re doing a ‘last man standing’ match. I want to be sure to I get some major licks in."
"Too bad I can’t do the same. Vince has barred pretty much everyone from ringside for that match."
"Yeah I know."
We don’t speak again until we arrive at the hotel where Adam walks with me to my room. "I thought you and Shane would be rooming together." He comments sitting on the bed.
"No. I’ve gotten used to rooming alone. Besides why should he pass up a luxury suite to room with one of the peasants?"
"I thought thing were going okay with you two."
"There’s really nothing going on between us."
"Bullshit Matt. I’ve seen how he looks at you."
"He’s been looking at me like that for three years now." I flop and stretch out on the bed. Adam turns and lies next to me.
"True but there’s something different about it now. Like he wants to protect you."
I doubt if anyone would after tomorrow night. "He’s just confusing things that’s all."
"You’ve gotten pretty friendly over the past few days."
Well trying to get dirt on your father will do that. "It’s nothing," I dismiss. "So things with Dwayne still good?"
"Yes and quit changing the subject."
"There’s no subject to change. We’re only doing the same thing you and Dwayne are doing. Figuring out how we feel about each other."
"Well we know how Shane’s leaning. What about you?"
"I don’t know." I didn’t really. As long as we were hunting down footage of Hunter hurtling Mom to her death, setting these chain of events in motion then things were fine but whenever it came to anything else, the same doubts Adam had came up, but unlike Dwayne, Shane knew about my past and was willing to love me despite it or because of it.
I saw a hand wave in front of my face and blinked. I turned my head and saw Adam still lying there looking at me. "Thinking of him weren’t you?" He smiled at me.
"Not really. I was thinking of all the things I want to do to Hunter."
"You don’t have to call him that, we’re not in public."
"I don’t care. I never want to hear him referred to as my father, Dad, or anything like that again."
He looks at me, his brows knitted in concern. "Matt, what’s been going on?"
"Nothing. I just don’t want anything more to do with him than business."
"Did he try something?"
I look at Adam, his expression dark.
"No." God why was I covering for him? "No he didn’t try anything." And he won’t if I have my way.
He reached out to touch my hair. "I swear Matt, if he does anything to you I’ll kill him."
I turn on my side and press a finger to his lips. God they were as soft as ever, a little dry, but still… "Shhh." I whisper. "Don’t. You’ve got a good thing going with Dwayne. Don’t think about him. Don’t let him ruin your happiness."
"Don’t let him ruin yours either. I know you don’t want to give in to your feelings for Shane because of me but really Matt, let him make you happy."
"You made me happy."
"Same here."
"Really? Are you sure?" I ask.
"Of course I’m sure. Why?"
"I don’t know. I’ve always had this feeling being with me only reminded you of all the bad times we had."
"They weren’t all bad."
"Bad enough."
"Matt…for the love of everything beautiful about to be squashed, will you stop blaming yourself for everything that happened? None of it was your fault."
I had to chuckle a little at his statement.
"When are you going to stop torturing yourself like this?" he asks.
When you come back to me, I want to say. When we can have what we had back. When I can finally nail Hunter for everything he’s done and is about to do to us. Maybe then I can let things go.
There was a knock on the door.
"Probably Dwayne." Adam said getting off the bed. I lay there watching as Adam opened the door and froze in shock.
"Hey Adam," an all too familiar voice comes from behind the shield of the door, which is blocking my view. "Have a nice vacation?"
"Fine."
"Matt here?"
He looked over at me before looking back. "Yeah but he just got in and is feeling a little tired."
"I won’t be long." Sure enough Hunter nudges Adam aside to let himself in. I sit up quickly. "I just want to go over our match tomorrow night."
"Can’t you do that at the arena?"
"Yeah but you know how busy things can be there."
"Well then," Adam starts to close the door. "I’d love to hear how this is going to turn out. You do know it’s a ‘last man standing’ match right?"
In that moment I’m amazed at how calm Adam is. Only a few weeks ago, he’d never set foot into a room when Hunter was there without having a near panic attack and now here he was, the ever protective big brother who looked like he would chop Hunter down if he made a move toward me.
"I know it is."
"Good."
"You know Adam, you don’t have to stay."
"Oh I don’t mind." He says with a decidedly evil version of the grin he flashes for the crowd every night. "After all, I’m concerned for Matt’s well being."
I look at Hunter’s face and he is not amused.
God I’d love to have the name of Adam’s therapist.
"Aren’t you two supposed to be divorced or something?" He asks, obviously anxious to get Adam out of the room.
"Separated. We haven’t filed the papers yet."
Hunter takes a swig out of his bottle, before fixing me with a dark look. "Well then, I guess we’ll have to talk at the arena." He says in surrender. He walks toward the door and Adam opens it with a flourish.
"Have a nice evening Mr. Helmsley." Adam says before slamming the door shut. "Fucking asshole."
I’m still sitting on the bed in shock. "Okay who are you and where’s Adam?"
"What do you mean?"
"A few weeks ago you wouldn’t be caught dead in the same room with him without having a panic attack and here you are kicking him out of my room without flinching."
"Let’s just say therapy’s been very good for me." He exhales. "Not to say the old feelings aren’t still there though." He runs his hand through his hair. "It’s the strangest thing though. Ever since I told you and Collette and Jessica about what happened, it’s like he doesn’t have as much power over me that he did." He looks at me. "Know what I mean?"
"Jessica?"
"My therapist."
"Good thing. I’d be worried if you started calling your laptop that."
He laughed and I could see it went all the way to his eyes, like it would when it was real. "That’s what Dwayne said."
I stood and walked to where he stood. "I’m proud of you, you know that?"
"I think you mentioned it once."
We just stood staring at each other when an impulse hit me and I leaned over and kissed him. For what reason I don’t know, other than to see if there was any shred of feeling for me on his part. But the kiss didn’t last long as a second into it he pulled away. "Matt…"
"So it really is over between us? Isn’t it?"
He bit his lip. "Yeah. I still love you but not in that way anymore. I know it sounds stupid but-"
"I know. It’s okay." I try to say over the lump in my throat. "Like you said, we’re not the ‘be all and end all’ to each other anymore."
The door knocked again.
"I swear if that’s him…" Adam swung the door open and Dwayne and Shane stood there.
"Hey," Dwayne said looking from Adam to me. "Something wrong?"
"No."
"Other than Hunter showing up." Adam said.
I watched Shane glance in my direction, worry clear on his face.
"Listen," Dwayne began oblivious to what was going on. "I know it’s late but there’s this great steakhouse nearby and I thought I’d treat for dinner."
Adam smiled. "Say yes you two," he looked from me to Shane. "God only knows when ‘The Rock’ is gonna be this generous again."
"Sure," I say wanting to get the hell out of here and away from Hunter.
"Sounds good." Shane says. "Just give us a moment first okay?" Shane moves past Adam to enter my room and closes the door behind them. "Hunter was here?"
"Yeah. But he didn’t stay long, Adam chased him out."
"Adam? Scared to be in the same room as Hunter Adam?"
I nodded. "I guess therapy’s going well for him. In fact I was thinking I should look into some for myself after WrestleMania."
"Sure you’re up to tomorrow night?"
"Oh yeah." I nod. "As long as I know you’re there."
"I’ll be there. There is no way in hell Hunter is going to win that match."
"But if I win, I get a shot against him and God only knows what sick stipulation he’ll come up with for that."
"We’ll worry about that later." He kissed me. "Let’s get through tomorrow night."
"Shane?"
"Hmm?"
I laugh, knowing what I’m about to say is so stupid. "Never mind."
"No. What?"
"Could you hold me? Just for a little bit."
"Hey you know you don’t have to ask me to do that. Just tell me."
I wrap him in my arms and rest my head on his shoulder, inhaling his cologne and wonder if in fact I should give him the chance that Adam says I should.
I pace in my dressing room, every nerve jumping as I ignore the shooting pains going through me.
I lost the damn match and it was Shane’s fault.
The night started out pretty well, Mick – now back as commissioner - made the match with me and Hunter as expected but for some reason, Shane had appointed himself the guest referee, which should’ve made me relax a little but during the match, Shane intending to nail Hunter with a chair missed Hunter’s head by a mile and nailed me with it, knocking me out. As I sold the knockout, I could see Hunter pedegreeing Shane on the chair and then Tim White came out and made the count, with Hunter whispering in my ear as he pinned me, "You’re mine Hardy."
When I was able to get to the dressing room, I hoped to just get the hell out of here but somehow, Hunter snatched my car keys and since Adam and Dwayne’s matches were earlier, they left early to catch a flight and Shane was in the trainer’s room getting stitched up.
My knees aching, I sit on the bench and try to think of a way to get the hell out of here without leaving with Hunter.
I hear the door open and tense up thinking it’s Hunter when instead it was Mick. "Hey kid, how’re you doing?"
"I’ve been better."
Mick sits down next to me. "Get checked out?"
"Yeah. Nothing serious." Needing to get my mind off things, I ask him. "So is this a full time deal or..?"
"Off and on, when they need me. Collette says good thing too because I was driving her nuts around the house."
I chuckle, but I’m still tense.
"So it’s over with you and Adam huh?" he asks.
"Yeah."
"It’s a shame."
"Well we knew it was going to happen eventually once we got out around civilized folks."
"So are you seeing anyone right now or..?"
The door opens and wouldn’t you know who was there. "Hey Hardy." Hunter says, looking like he’d just wrestled a curtain jerk match and not a ‘last man standing’. He’s showered, changed and was carrying his bag slung over his shoulder. "You ready to go yet?"
"In a few minutes."
"Well don’t be too long. Wouldn’t want you to get stranded."
As he leaves I fight the urge to run into the bathroom and throw up.
"What the hell is that about?" Mick asked.
I want to tell Mick, but as always, I keep my mouth shut. "I guess Shane won’t be giving me a ride tonight." I stand and grab my things for my shower.
"Hell I’ll give you a ride if you need one. You don’t need to be anywhere near that bastard."
I bite my bottom lip. "Well there’s another reason."
"What’s that?"
"You can’t tell anyone else. Not even Collette."
"Matthew…"
"Please?"
"Okay. What is it?"
"Shane and I are going after Hunter for what he did to Mom."
"What?"
"We can’t nail him for what he did to Christian, but we’re thisclose," I held my fingers less than an inch apart, "to finding videotape proof that he pushed her off the stage that night."
"So how does getting a ride with Hunter fit into this?"
Because he wants to have sex with me. "I was thinking if I can get him to talk a little, maybe he might spill something that could help us."
"I don’t know Matt. Sounds pretty risky."
"He has no clue as to who I really am."
"Still if he knows you’re after him for something and from what you, Adam and Jeff told us about him, I’m sure he wouldn’t think twice about rigging another ‘accident’. I think you should let the authorities handle this."
"And what would we tell them? Hmm? Do you actually think we can go to the police and tell them our story without a major scandal coming out and even then they could still pass it off as a mishap and then who’d look like a fool? It wouldn’t be him. It’d be me and Adam and Adam’s come so far since he started therapy, that I’m not going to jeopardize that."
"Well I wish the two of you the best of luck in nailing the bastard. Maybe I can ask around and-"
"Mick, I appreciate it, but I can’t drag you into this. Besides, we’ve tried the archives and Pat had gotten to the footage and doctored the tapes after it happened."
"First off, you dragged me into this when Al and I came out of the arena and kept those punks from hurting you, Adam and Jeff. You dragged me into this when the judge gave us custody of the three of you. Now I’ll keep quiet to Collette for now, but on the condition that you let me help in any way I can. Deal?"
I wanted to tell him no, but I know how tenacious he could be. "Okay." I agreed against my better judgment.
"Good. Now I think I’ll start by looking for the tape."
"We went to the archive…"
"Who said anything about an archive? You’re looking at a man who knows every bootlegger and tape seller around. If there’s a copy, I’ll find it."
"But it might be edited."
"Not if someone snuck a camera in."
"We had a lead as far as Shawn and Sherri went. But Shawn’s wife taped over his and Sherri’s out of the country until April."
He clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Don’t worry about a thing Matt. If someone has a tape of that match, I’ll find it."
I would’ve asked Mick if he had one but he didn’t join the WWF until only after he left ECW and Mom died while he was in WCW.
"But I’m warning you Matt. Be careful around your father, who knows what he’s capable of."
I get a feeling I’m about to find out tonight.
As Mick leaves, Shane enters the room. His face is bandaged and there’s still some blood on his face. We just stood there and looked at each other.
"I’m sorry Matt. I didn’t know he’d duck like that."
I just nod before heading for the shower. He followed me. "Matt please, say something."
I wasn’t angry with him, just disgusted with myself, though I don’t know why.
"Listen, you don’t have to go with him."
"He has my car keys and he’s waiting rather impatiently." I turned the shower on and adjusted the temperature.
"So. We’ll go in my car."
"It doesn’t matter. He’s still going to want to have sex with me and he won’t stop until he does so I think it’s best if we just got it done and over with tonight so we can nail the bastard." I’m removing my clothes and tossing them down on the floor as I speak.
"Matt?"
"What?" I turn and look at him.
"Want me to do your back?" his voice is low almost husky, which sends chills through me.
I move toward him. I don’t know where the words came from but out they popped; "I want you to do more than my back. I want you to do me."
If there was a speed record for removing clothes, I think Shane broke it by tearing off his referee gear in record time. I don’t know how we got into the shower without slipping or falling but there we were, under the warm spray kissing and touching as passionately as two people could after getting banged around the way we did but we didn’t care about the pain from the ring but the pain of our neglected erections.
Shane pressed me up against the wall away from the spray of the water and held a finger to my lips. "Just stand there and let me take care of you."
I never got a chance to reply before he kissed me again, moving his lips from mine to my bruised jaw, aching neck and shoulder down my tender knife-edge chopped chest, pausing to tease my nipples until I whined from their sensitivity and trailing with his tongue leaving a trail, down my sore abdomen, running little circles around my navel with his tongue and dipping the tip of his tongue in and out as though fucking it before moving to the V of my hips and planting little kisses around that area.
I lean my head back. God this was so much better than the fantasy I had of him the other night. Hell this was even better than any fantasy I ever had.
He spreads my legs slightly so he could trail his tongue over my inner thighs before kissing my outer thighs.
"So fucking…God Matt…so beautiful…" I hear him mumble before wrapping my cock with his mouth, making me gasp from the heat of it. I grab the bar behind me and arch my back toward him wanting him to release me from this torture he was putting me through and to forget what I had to deal with tonight.
I felt him wrap an arm around me and felt a finger probe my opening before sliding in. I don’t even think words can describe what I was feeling then. I lifted a leg up and rested it on his shoulder so his finger could have greater access, hell he could’ve fisted me right then and I wouldn’t have cared.
I reached down and twined my fingers in his hair, startled a bit because after all these years of twining it through Adam’s long blonde hair I was surprised to feel short hair through my fingers. Not that I was complaining, mind you.
I don’t know how long we were like that, but it wasn’t long before I felt the beginning of the end. "Oh God Shane." I gasp. "Oh God…yes!" I shout as I came in his mouth. "Yes!"
He kept going making sure he’d gotten every drop, before letting me out of his mouth and sliding his finger out which nearly made me come again. He stood and took me in his arms. "I love you so fucking much," he rasped. "I love you."
Christ now I really did feel like crying.
"I know you probably don’t feel the same toward me now," he continued, "but remember, no matter what," he pulled back and looked at me, "I love you."
I reached out and ran my hand over his hair before pulling him to me and kissing him. I don’t know why I was so reluctant in telling him ‘I love you’ back, even though I told him I did the night Hunter tried to rape me but I didn’t feel like analyzing my feelings right now. All I wanted was to fill my head with memories of Shane in order to get me through whatever sick games Hunter wanted to play.
"About fucking time."
The good mood I was in after Shane and I made love was shot to hell when I heard those words out of Hunter’s mouth. He was standing by my rental with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. I said nothing as I took the keys from him to open the trunk to put my stuff in. I felt him brush against me and I froze.
"So did you and the ‘Boy Wonder’ have a good time?"
"What?" I snapped, tossing my duffle bag into the trunk.
"Don’t play coy with me Hardy." He whispered. "I came looking for you and I watched the two of you in the shower." His hands went around my waist. "God if you only knew how hot it made me watching the two of you go at it like that," he pressed his lips against my neck. "Damn near came in my pants."
God could he be any sicker?
"I hope you know I expect the same treatment when we get to my room."
Yeah if I don’t stick you with an ice pick or something first. I slam the trunk door shut and turn to go to the driver’s side of the car, but Hunter takes the keys out of my hand. "I’ll drive," he informs me before walking to the driver’s side.
Sighing I walk to the passenger’s side and get in.
"Buckle up Hardy." He says as he turns on the ignition. "You know the rest."
I stand in the hallway as Hunter opens the door to his suite. With a sweeping gesture, he ushers me inside. "It’s not fancy, but I like it."
I look around. There are two rooms to the suite. The one we were in was a spacious living room with a dining area for about eight people by the bay windows where when you look out you could see Lake Michigan. But what worried me was the door behind me that led to the bedroom. Just the thought of having to go in there was becoming too much.
"Hey babe."
I turn around and see Hunter on the phone.
"No, I’m gonna stay over and leave in the morning. Yeah, take advantage of these first class digs." He pulls his hair out of the ponytail and shakes it loose. "Don’t worry I’ll make it to Indianapolis by tape time. You know me, there were only two times in my life I was early; when I was born and when we got married." He laughs. "Listen, don’t wear yourself out too much with that shopping. Yeah I know you want the nursery to look nice but don’t you think we should wait until we know there’s going to be a little occupant there first? I know, I know. No, I’m not trying to jinx anything, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up. Okay, okay, I’ll let it drop. Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon. Mmm-hmm. Love you too. Bye." He hangs up and looks at me. "I don’t know Hardy, what is it with women and babies? It seems like you get the ring on their fingers and boom! They get all broody."
"Was that how it was with your first wife?"
He looks at me. "No. She was pregnant before we got married. You know you can set your bag down."
I wasn’t aware I was still carrying it with me, so wrapped up in how to get out of this sick situation I was in.
"Set it in the bedroom, there’s a present in there for you."
I restrain myself from rolling my eyes as I walk to the bedroom, feeling his eyes crawling all over me. I enter the room and see everything on it is black satin; from the pillowcases to the sheets to the comforter. God this is so porn-movie cheesy.
Setting the bag on the seat in front of the bed, I see the package on the bed wrapped in silver paper. Flipping off the lid and parting the tissue paper I see even more black satin as I pull out a pair of boxers and a half robe. It’s taking all my energy to not lose it and go off tearing the room and the nightclothes to hell.
"Nice huh?" I hear him ask from the doorway.
"Yeah, real nice." I say hoping my sarcasm wasn’t missed.
"Well I’ve got one more phone call to make and then I’ll be in. Why don’t you change in the bathroom?" he walks back into the living room.
"Dammit," I whisper, knowing I dug me a real nice deep grave. I took my bag and the offending items with me to the bathroom which is huge with a shower on one side of the room and a whirlpool bath on the other, set up with an ice bucket of champagne and two glasses nearby, obviously meant for afterwards.
I look at the bucket and an idea comes to me. I know it’s a big risk, but I’ll be damned if I’m sharing the same bed as Hunter. Setting my things down, I walk to the tub and seeing it’s bone dry I swat everything into the tub, which fortunately breaks the glasses. Taking a large part with the stem attached, I say a small prayer and slice my hand with it, the pain amazing, as was the amount of blood I was spilling. "Mother fuck!" I shouted hopefully loud enough for him to run in and see what was going on.
Thankfully he didn’t disappoint.
"What the fuck is going on? What did you do to your hand?"
"My bag knocked everything into the tub and when I went to pick it up, I cut my hand and…"
He stalked over and looked at it. "Christ," he says under his breath as he hands me a towel. "Hold this and I’ll get a doctor."
"Shouldn’t I go to the hospital?"
"We’ll wait until Wayne gets a look at it." He turns and grabs my hand and presses the towel to it and then holds it up. "Now try and put some pressure on it and keep it raised."
I suppress a laugh as he leaves the room; not so that he doesn’t hear me, but I get a feeling that my night wasn’t as over as I thought it would be.
"Well luckily for you Matt, it’s not deep enough to require stitches." Wayne says as he wraps my hand. I’m still in Hunter’s bathroom and he’s lurking nearby in the doorway. "But I’ll pass word to Vince about your not wrestling tomorrow night."
Taping the bandage, he instructs me not to get it wet before leaving.
"I should get going…" I stand to go.
"No you’re not."
I look at him. "Excuse me."
"You’re not going anywhere. We made a deal and you’re honoring your part."
"Yeah but my hand-"
"You’ve got two of them," he walks to me. "Use the other one."
I open my mouth to protest, but he covers mine with his, stabbing the inside of my mouth with his tongue. He pulls me back by my hair. "Now get undressed and I’ll get a maid up here to clean up this mess and prepare a bath for us."
"But my hand…"
"Don’t worry. You won’t get it wet."
I try to speak when there’s a pounding on the door. "Now what?" he snarls letting go of my hair to answer the door. I hear voices arguing before hearing Hunter say, "Get the fuck out of here McMahon."
I look and see Shane enter the bathroom. "You okay?" he asks taking my hand in his, sending little chills up my arm. "Wayne told me you cut your hand."
"I’m fine."
"See Shane, he’s still breathing, so get the fuck out."
"Okay, I’ll go," Shane reaches down and grabs my bag. "But not without Matt."
"Now you listen to me-"
"No, you listen to me." Shane fires back. "It isn’t bad enough that you’ve been fucking anything with a pulse since you’ve married my sister, but this shit ends now. You come near Matt again and I’ll bust you wide open."
Hunter chuckles. "Oh that’s rich coming from the Fed’s biggest whore. You talk about me fucking anything with a pulse, but at least I can give Vince the one thing you can never give him and that’s the precious little grandchild that Steffie is so eager to have. As long as I follow through on that, then I can do whatever and whoever I want and that includes Matt."
"Not anymore. Matt is off limits."
Hunter walked until he was face to face with Shane. "Matt is off limits when I say he’s off limits. I can be quite relentless when I want to be especially when I want something as you well know and right now that something is your latest conquest screaming my name when I make him come."
Shane’s fist flew through the air and connected with Hunter sending him sprawling onto the white tile floor, which was beginning to spot with the blood starting to come from Hunter’s nose. He touched his face and then glared at him. "You little faggot," he said in a voice so ingrained in my memory I feel my heart pound wildly.
"Come on Matt." Shane grabs my arm and my bag and drags me out of the bathroom.
"I’m telling you something right now Shane-o," Hunter shouted from behind us. "You better not leave him alone for any amount of time because when I get him alone his tight little ass is mine!"
Shane slammed the suite door behind us and we walk down a long hall.
"Shouldn’t we get me another room?" I ask timidly, Hunter’s warning ringing in my ear.
"We are. You’re staying with me tonight." Shane says as he takes his keycard out just as we get close to his door.
Once inside, Shane’s arms engulf me. "He didn’t hurt you did he?" he whispers.
"He didn’t have a chance."
"Thank God." He murmurs before looking at my bag. "What’s that?"
I look down and see the black satin boxer and robe set sitting on top. "He wanted me to wear that tonight."
Shane let go of me and grabs the articles and then walks over to a trashcan and tosses them in. "That takes care of that. Besides, you look sexier in a t-shirt and sweatpants anyways."
I smile, feeling so damned tired. I look around and Shane’s suite is the exact same as Hunter’s, but unlike there, I feel safe here.
"Hey." He says tenderly. "Why don’t I order some room service and you get undressed for bed?"
"Sounds good."
"Just watch your hand okay?" I nod taking my bag with me to Shane’s bedroom and unlike Hunter’s, the sheets weren’t black satin but soft blue cotton, with the comforter being slightly darker. I undress, mindful of my hand and lay on the bed, only hoping to do so until room service comes, but the second my head hits the soft pillow, I’m out like a light, not waking till morning.
38
It’s now January and I’m standing at Shane’s brownstone apartment window watching the snowfall.
The holidays went well despite the constant concern of Hunter making good on his threat. Adam and Dwayne came by Mick and Collette's for Thanksgiving and went to Dwayne’s parents in Palm Beach for Christmas and New Year’s. Shane and I spent Christmas by ourselves in Stamford, though Shane had to put in an appearance at Hunter and Stephanie’s Christmas Day. I stayed here and watched some of the DVDs Shane had bought me. There had been some messages from Hunter on the machine but I’d erased them before Shane got home.
New Year’s Eve, Shane and I went to New York City to watch the ball drop, but the ball wasn’t the only thing that dropped as Stephanie made the announcement the whole family-except Shane- had wanted to hear; she was finally pregnant. This sudden bit of information now made Shane and I desperate to find the tape. Mick for his part wasn’t idle, having burned through the internet calling in any and all favors owed him so he could get a clear uncut version of the show, but so far, no luck.
"Well the dishes are put away," Shane says as he enters the room where I’m at and wraps his arms around me. "Wanna go make a snowman?" he asks kissing me on the cheek.
"Too cold." I sip on the cinnamon flavored hot chocolate Shane made for me.
"Didn’t he used to be a wrestler?"
I giggled.
"So hear anything from Mick about the tape yet?"
"No, not yet. Though God knows he’s been trying like hell."
"Damn. We’ve only got about three months to go."
"What about Sherri?"
"I called Debbie and she’s still in the Far East."
"We’ve got to do something. We go back on the road soon."
"I know and I’m not letting you out of my sight for a minute." Shane said.
"I don’t want to admit this but I’m scared Shane. I’m scared he’s going to get away with everything. What he did to us. What he did to Mom."
"That’s not the only thing you have to be scared of."
"I know," I say softly.
"He’s not going to give up on you. When he wants something he won’t stop until he gets it and even then he’ll want more."
There was something in Shane’s voice that made me turn around and look at him. "How do you know this?"
"He’s been married to my sister for fourteen years. I’ve seen him operate." His expression darkened the way Adam’s would whenever he thought of Hunter.
"He hurt you too didn’t he?" I hoped at least one of us had been unscathed by Hunter but he looked at me with that dark expression and nodded.
"Son of a bitch." I say under my breath, wanting to kill Hunter more than anything at that moment. "When?"
"It was a long time ago. I was probably no older than Adam was when Hunter raped him."
"And you didn’t tell anyone either?"
I felt him shake his head.
"Christ I’d love to know why he is the way he is."
"Well there’s one person who can tell us that, but from what I saw over the holidays, he’s gonna be in no shape to tell us anything for too long."
"His cancer?"
Shane nodded. "According to Steph, he’ll be lucky to live past February."
"Damn." I’m not sorry the old bastard was dying, but I was sorry that we wouldn’t get the answers we were looking for before then, even though I was loathe to be anywhere near him again.
"I could give it another shot before we leave." Shane offers. "I know you don’t want to be anywhere around him, but we’ve got to get something out of him before he croaks."
"Unless he knows where the footage of my mother’s death is, then I have no real use for what he has to say."
A tighter squeeze.
"Well tape or no tape. You and I are going to come up with something to nail him with and fast before my sister gives birth to that psycho’s baby."
I silently agreed, though wasn’t sure of how to go about it.
We returned to the road a week later.
We were in Maine, which was having a mild winter making the traveling easier, and in Bangor we met up with Adam and Dwayne.
"Hey," I greeted walking in the dressing room we had to share.
"Hey." Adam replies. "So how were your holidays?"
"Okay nothing special. Yours?"
Dwayne excused himself with a hug and a kiss to Adam before Adam walked over to where I was unloading my bag. He sat in the booth next to mine. "It went pretty well. His folks like me."
"That’s good."
"I’ve been debating though about telling him about our past."
I paused as I pulled my ring shirt out of the bag. "Sure that’s a good idea?"
"I can’t keep it from him forever. Listen, I won’t have to tell him we’re related. I’ll just tell him-"
"Everything." Not an accusation.
"No, not everything."
"Adam," I crouch down in front of him, taking his hands in mine. "Tell him everything. If you love him and you think you can trust him, then tell him everything."
He looks at me with a weird look on his face. "But I thought…"
"It doesn’t matter. We can’t keep hiding things, not anymore." God where was this coming from?
"Even that we’re related?"
"If you want."
Now he really looked confused. "Matt what’s gotten into you? All these years we’ve had to hide everything from people and now…"
"And now things are starting to change. Listen I’m not saying you have to take out a full page ad, just tell Dwayne." And pray he doesn’t tell anyone before WrestleMania.
"You’re sure about this?"
"As long as it’s only Dwayne you’re telling then yeah. I thought about what you told me the night you threw Hunter out of my room in Chicago and you’re right, the longer we keep these secrets, the longer he has control over us and I’m sick of it."
"What about the publicity?"
"I told you as long as it’s Dwayne you’re telling then hopefully we won’t have anything to worry about."
He’s really looking at me now. "You’re up to something aren’t you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You’ve never been like this before. You’ve always wanted to keep things on the down low and now-"
"I just don’t want you to keep things from Dwayne and lose out on some happiness. God knows if anyone deserves it, it’s you."
"And what about you?"
I won’t be happy until I bust the bastard. "What about me?" I let go of his hands and stand up.
"Does Shane know about us? About your past?"
"Yeah." Though I don’t tell him how.
"And he still loves you?" He sounds so hopeful.
"Says he does."
He looks relieved now.
"Just one thing though?"
"What?"
"Don’t tell him who our dad is."
"Why not?"
Because I don’t want Dwayne killing him before WrestleMania. "Because…I don’t want it to slip to Hunter about who we are."
"You are up to something aren’t you? You and Shane."
"Adam please." I say.
"Why won’t you let me help?"
"Because, the only thing I want you concentrate on is making a life with Dwayne. Shane and I have things under control."
"What are you planning?" Adam stood.
"Adam, please, no more questions. Just let me and Shane handle things right now. When the time is right then we’ll bring you in."
"Why are you shutting me out like this? Matt, you swore you wouldn’t do this any more."
"That was when we were married. Right now, all bets are off."
"Dammit no! They are not off! We may not be ‘married’, but damnit Matt we’re still brothers."
"Trust me Adam, the less you know, the better. I’m sorry but this is how it has to be."
With a wounded look in his eyes, he walks away from me and heads over to where his gear is. I know he wants to help and I hate shutting him out, but there’s no way I can risk him getting hurt by Hunter again if he finds out what we’re up to.
True to his word, Shane was never far from my line of vision, the only times being when I had to go out to wrestle. After the ‘last man standing’ match, Vince was impressed enough with my performance to put me in a program with Kurt to win the IC title but it wouldn’t take place until after the Royal Rumble as Vince wanted to wrap up Kurt’s feud with Steve.
Even in the dressing room Shane was never far away, standing gentry at the door. By now word had passed around that he and I were officially an item and though some people were disappointed in mine and Adam splitting, like Amy, Trish, Mark, Glenn and some of the others, they were plenty pleased and surprised to see Shane settling down to a monogamous relationship. I know Vince was pleased as he took me aside one time after I’d arrived at the arena.
"Matt, could I talk to you for a minute?" he asked before leaving Bob Slaughter and some of the other officials to approach me.
"Yes Mr. McMahon?" To say I was nervous was an understatement.
He pointed to some chairs in a corner. "Please call me Vince." He says as we sit. "First off, I’d like to say I’m sorry things didn’t work out with you and Adam."
"Thank you."
"But that’s not the real reason I wanted to talk to you. I’ve been hearing rumors about you and Shane and I was wondering if they were true."
"Yes sir."
"I’ve often told him he was approaching you the wrong way," he chuckles. "Anyways, I wanted to thank you. It seems that ever since the two of you have been together, he’s more settled, more focused. Frankly, Linda and I have been worried about his promiscuity what with God knows what going around these days. We’d hoped for a long time his being gay was a phase, just an experimentation, but when he made it clear that was how he was, we’d hoped he’d find someone he could be happy with, someone who he could have a life with and I know the way he went about it was a little harsh and I know he came off as a real prick at times, but I’m glad he found someone like you. Someone to ‘settle his hormones’ as it were. So I guess the only thing left to do is welcome you to the family and I hope the two of you last a long time."
I was speechless. From what I’d heard from both Shane and Hunter, Vince couldn’t stand Shane, hated him actually enough to cut him out of the family and now here he was sitting across from me thanking me for I guess ‘saving’ his son.
"Thank you," was all I could say before Vince shook my hand and left me sitting there.
After the shock wore off, I got up and walked to my dressing room where Shane stood just outside the door, smiling when he saw me. "Where were you?" he asked giving me a hug before we entered.
"Talking to Vince. If you can believe it."
"I don’t. What did he want?" he sat on the bench next to mine.
"To thank me for giving you a chance. Says that he and your mother have been worried about you and-"
He snorts when I say that.
"What?" I ask.
"That’s Vince for you, the biggest bullshitter in the business." He says. "Oh I believe my mom was worried, but I don’t buy his act for a second and neither should you."
"I don’t know, he sounded sincere."
"Only because you’re not around when it’s just us. Ever since I came out he’s hated me. His biggest disappointment in life. One time he said if he wanted another girl, he would’ve cloned Stephanie. Ever since then it’s been ‘faggot’ this and ‘queer’ that with him. I’m surprised he hasn’t booted me out of the company yet."
I think back to what Hunter had said about Vince firing Shane to give him WCW, but I don’t say anything to Shane not wanting to upset him more than he is now. "I don’t know Shane, he sounded like he was concerned for you. Sounded glad we were dating."
Shane says nothing just shakes his head.
I changed the subject. "So who’s my victim for tonight?"
"You’ve got a match with Waltman with a run-in from Albert."
"Sounds fun."
"It will be." He stands. "Just come right back here after your match tonight okay? I don’t want Hunter catching you alone."
"Okay."
We kiss before he leaves.
After my match I make my way back to the dressing room.
I don’t see Shane by the door and figure he’s inside, but when I open the door there’s no sign of him. Figuring he’s tied up in some meeting, I grab my things and head for the showers to get washed off. I’d just gotten my hair rinsed when the lights in the room went off.
"Hello?" I shout. "Hey there’s someone in here!"
No reply.
"Shane? Shane, if this is your idea of a joke it’s not funny."
No sound. The room is eerily quiet other than the sound of the water running. I turn the water off and still no sound.
Okay Hardy, I tell myself, don’t panic. Just one of the guys fucking with your head.
I wrap a towel around my waist and head out to the changing area where I’m greeted with a punch to the gut, doubling me over.
"Thought I forgot about you didn’t you?" a familiar voice says.
Oh Jesus no!
I feel his arms grab my waist and yank me up to him. One arm secures me to his waist and the other straightens me up against his chest. "Mmm. I always did like how you smelled after a shower."
I try to struggle when I get a kidney shot in return, his hand covering my mouth, smothering my screams.
"If you don’t fight it, it won’t hurt so much. Unless you’re into pain and then I could be more than obliging." He drags my aching body back to the shower area making me wonder how the hell he could see in the dark like this. He has me pressed face first against the shower stall wall. "I warned you beautiful," he hisses in my ear. "The first chance I had to get you alone, I was going to nail your pretty ass and there’s no time like the present I like to say."
I try to fight back but he grabs my hair and slams my face into the wall making me see stars, the only light I’d see at that point.
I could feel him take his shirt off and then slide his tights down, allowing his erection to press against the small of my back. "Jesus Christ you are so fucking hot," he whispers, running his hands over my chest until they get to the towel, which he slides off. "You’re even more beautiful than I thought you’d be."
I tried not to throw up or even start crying, but my whole body was shaking in fear.
"Now," he says. "You be a good little slut and keep quiet until you’re ready to come and then and only then will I let you scream and what you scream better be my name. Got it?"
When I didn’t answer fast enough, he slammed my head against the wall again making me dizzy on top of everything else. "Got it?" he hissed.
"Yes." I gasp.
"Good." He begins kissing my neck while sliding his right hand down my right side until it reached my ass where I could feel it slide between the crack of my ass before he slid a finger inside making me tense.
"Mmm…you’re so tight…I know I’m going to enjoy this."
"Matt!"
Shane’s shout made Hunter freeze and clamp a hand over my mouth. "Not a word." He hissed.
"Matt? You here? You okay?"
"Is he in there?" Adam’s voice.
I’m tempted to bite the inside of Hunter’s hand but the thought of having my head cracked against the shower wall again quelled that idea fast.
"No. His stuff is though. Come on, he’s probably with the guys watching the matches."
I close my eyes, knowing that my one chance of rescue was going out the door.
"Should’ve locked the door when I came in. Oh well," he releases my mouth. "They won’t be back for a long time yet. Long enough to finish what I started."
"You don’t want to do this," I whisper.
"Oh no? Why not?"
Think Hardy think. "Because I will tell Shane."
He chuckles low and menacing. "Shane. Let me tell you something about your little night in shining armor. He’s a whore. Has been, always will be. I knew that when I fucked him. Oh sure he put up a good fight at first but once he got a taste for it he couldn’t get enough. You think he’s going to be faithful to you? Think again. He’s only faithful enough until he gets some ass and then he’s onto the next conquest. Hell for a while there he and I compared notes on who we laid and you know what? I’m gonna love comparing notes with him about you." He pressed me up against the wall until it felt like he was going to put me through it with his weight. "Now just stand there and take it like the whore you are."
I almost shouted in pain from when he rammed himself in me, but as always, his hand made sure I wouldn’t say a word. I closed my eyes, tears flowing from them as I felt him stab me with his cock, pretty much ripping me apart, while his other hand pumped me viciously enough to make me wonder if he was going to rip my cock off and then having to listen to him call me names as he…I wouldn’t call it kissing, it was more like licking and biting me, but not enough to make any serious marks. I just stare ahead as best I could trying to blot this out of my mind, thinking of the things I’m going to do to him when WrestleMania came around, maybe even before then, but the sounds of his obscene grunting kept forcing me back to this reality
I can’t remember how long it was until I felt him shoot in me. "Oh God baby," he gasped before thrusting into me a couple more times before I came with a painful whimper. He let me go, allowing me to slide to the floor, my abdomen feeling like it was on fire.
"Better than I thought it would be, though you didn’t scream when you came." He licked my juices off his hand. "Oh well, there’s always next time."
I watched as he pulled his tights up and put his shirt on. "Remember one thing, you tell anyone and I mean anyone and you’re a dead little whore."
He walked out as I curled up into a ball. God was that what he’d said to Adam when he raped him? was the last thing I thought before I passed out.
"Matt…"
I think I hear voices, but my brain is so fuzzy I’m not sure what the hell I’m hearing.
"Is he alive..?"
God I hope not.
"Get Wayne in here…"
No just go away.
"That son of a bitch…"
I hope they’re not talking about me.
"No…tell me he didn’t…"
God Adam sounds so frightened.
"Matt…open your eyes honey…please…"
I don’t want to. It’s safer in the dark where I am.
"Dammit won’t someone get Wayne in here!"
Will someone tell Dwayne to keep his mouth shut?
"Dammit baby…I’m so sorry…"
For what? You didn’t do this, did you?
"Matt…please wake up…please?"
Sorry Adam, don’t want to.
Eventually my body heeds my brain and I drift back off again.
The first thing I felt before I woke was cool cotton.
I finally open my eyes and I see I’m in a room somewhere. It takes me a few minutes before I recognize it as a hospital room. I sigh softly before seeing a shape in the corner asleep in the chair. Panic warns me that it could be Hunter, but when I reach up to turn the light near my bed on, I see it’s Shane curled up underneath a blanket. God he looks so tired.
I just lay there looking around. I don’t know what the hell I’m feeling right now other than the physical pain, which isn’t so bad because at least it lets me know I’m feeling something.
The door whispers open and I see Adam walk into the room wearing his street clothes and looking so damned haunted that I want to scream.
"Hi," he whispers.
"Hi," I say back.
He sits on the edge of the bed, careful not to jostle me too much since Shane was in the only chair in the room.
"Hunter did this didn’t he?" he asks me.
I want to say no, to keep from scaring him, but I nod.
"He’s a dead man."
"Adam…"
"He is so fucking dead!" It comes out strangled because of both tears and not wanting to wake Shane.
I reach out and push some of his hair out of his face. "Why didn’t you tell me he was after you?" he asks.
"I didn’t want to worry you," was the best I could say.
Oh now he is furious. "You didn’t want to…Jesus fucking Christ Matt! When the hell are you going to stop this shit of keeping things from people? Me especially? God I am not that fucking fragile! If you had told me, I could have been there with you in the dressing room and there would have been no way he could’ve gotten anywhere near you."
"And if he decided to come after you again?"
"He wouldn’t have lived. And he would never have gotten to you."
"He would’ve. He would’ve found a way to do it."
I could see he was trying to keep calm but was losing.
"Adam…"
"He’s a dead man. First chance I fucking get, I’m going to do to him something I should’ve done years ago and that’s put a fucking gun to his head and pull the damn trigger!"
I look over at Shane and am amazed he’s sleeping through Adam’s outburst.
By now his tears are flowing and he was shaking with uncontrolled rage. "I swore after he did it to me there would be no fucking way in hell he would ever do that to any of you. Not you, not the twins, none of you and what the hell happens? I let you down."
"You didn’t let anyone down."
"Then what do you call this? You laying here banged up and raped?
"Adam please calm down."
"Calm down," he chuckles bitterly. "That sick shit of a father of ours rapes you and you’re telling me to calm down?" He shakes his head and stands. "No. I’m not calming down, not one damn bit but what I am going to do is hunt that fucker down, beat the hell out of him and then end this shit once and for all by pumping enough lead in him to make him look like Swiss cheese. Hell not even grandfather will recognize him by the time I’m done with him."
"Adam, don’t. He’s not worth it."
"Not worth it? Why the hell are you doing this? Why are you letting him get away with this?"
"We’re not."
Both Adam and I whipped our heads in the direction of Shane’s voice. Shane was fully awake now, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "We’re not letting him get away with this."
"So what are we going to do?" Adam’s voice was watery.
I look at Shane. So far it had been the two of us, but now there was no way we could keep Adam out of it.
"We’re going to give him a retirement party he’s never going to forget."
"He’s not retiring until WrestleMania."
"We know." I say.
"Think of it Adam," Shane says, getting out of the chair and walking to my bed. "The biggest pay per view in wrestling. From what I hear, Hunter’s retirement is going to be the biggest deal on the card. Not because he was that good a wrestler, frankly I think if Mark ever retires, he should get the big blow out, but because he’s married to Stephanie, he gets this big party during the biggest pay per view. That’s when we’re going to bust him big time. Not just for what he’s done to you guys but for what he’s done to your mother."
Adam is calmer now. "How?"
"We’re looking for footage of what happened the night your mother was killed. Turned out there was a television taping done when no one really expected it to be one."
"So where’s the tape?"
Shane sighed. "So far we haven’t been able to find any footage of your mother’s match. Turns out Pat had the footage removed from both the broadcast tape as well as the master tape. We came close a couple of times, but Shawn’s was taped over by accident and Sherri’s out of the country until April."
"So you don’t have shit."
"Mick’s calling a few favors, he thinks someone might’ve smuggled in a camera that night."
"Do you know how small a needle in a haystack that is?" Adam asked.
"We know."
"Okay then, say if you don’t get this footage, then what?"
Neither Shane nor I say anything because that wasn’t a possibility we had considered.
"Well?" Adam demanded.
"We’re going to get something else on him."
"Oh great. You don’t even have a back up plan."
"Adam. We’re going to nail him. Big time." I assure him though right now I wasn’t that sure myself. I just wanted him to calm down.
"I still think my way’s the best idea. Just shoot the fucker."
"Say you do and Hunter lives and you get sent to jail. Who’s going to look after Matt? I can’t do it twenty-four-seven." Shane says. "Now I know you’re angry, furious even, but cooler heads have to prevail. You fly off the handle then it’s going to make Matt vulnerable to Hunter and I know that’s not what you want because I know damn well I don’t want that."
"So what do we do?" Frustration edged his voice.
"We have to play it cool for now, make Hunter think he got away with everything. I know, I know," Shane says quickly after seeing the shocked expression on my brother’s face, "it’s going to be difficult, but when Hunter’s at his cockiest, that’s when he fucks up and we need him to be at his cockiest ever because that’s when he’s at his most vulnerable and that’s the best time to strike. And he’ll be at his cockiest at WrestleMania because he thinks things are going to go his way; he’s retiring on top of his game, he’s got his grasp on the family fortune by getting Stephanie pregnant and he thinks he’s gotten away with everything he’s ever done." Shane pauses. "Adam, I know it’s going to be hard on you to be around him. Harder now than it ever has been because of what he’s done to Matt, but we tip him off, we even make him the slightest bit suspicious then, he’s going to come after all of us and that include you and Dwayne and he might not stop with rape. He’ll even go as far as murder. He proved that with your mother. So please. Try to keep calm, and stay as far from him as possible."
"We can’t leave Dwayne out of this."
"I’ll talk to Dwayne. I’m sure he’ll want to help if he can, but you have to let me talk to him."
"What about Mick and Collette?" Adam looks at me. "Do they know what happened tonight?"
"I called and told them Matt got hurt. I didn’t want to scare them and you know damn sight well Mick will kill Hunter if he knew. Right now, we need him to help us find the footage we need."
"Adam," I say. "If you’ve ever loved me or given a damn about me, then please, don’t go off half cocked. Don’t go after him. You have to trust me and Shane."
I could see the rage was still there, but it had been reduced to a low burn. "You know I love you," he whispers. "I always have."
"Then please, trust me and Shane. We’re going to get him and put an end to this nightmare we’ve lived for so damn long. We won’t have to keep hiding anymore. Okay?"
He didn’t reply which worried me.
"Adam…"
"Okay, okay, okay. We’ll do this your way, but if nothing happens and WrestleMania turns out to be a bust, then I’m killing him. I don’t care. I’ll kill him."
The door whispers again but this time it’s Dwayne coming in.
"Hey how’re you doing?" he asks me as he slides an arm around Adam.
"Fine."
"Good, good. I know Adam’s been scared since we’ve found you."
"Listen, why don’t you two go out and get your minds off things? I’ll stay here with Matt." Shane suggested.
"I tried to get him to come out with me but he wouldn’t leave until you woke up."
"Well I’m awake so go," I say gently. "Go out, get some dinner, and I’ll see you tomorrow okay?"
Adam nodded before coming over and kissing me on the lips, nothing passionate, before letting Dwayne escort him out of the room. Shane and I watched as Adam wrapped his arms around Dwayne who responded in kind.
"Hurts doesn’t it? Seeing them together?"
"No." It didn’t really. As long as Dwayne loved Adam after the truth comes out, it didn’t hurt at all.
39
The days leading up to WrestleMania were frantic.
We came so close on some of the tips that Mick had gotten on the footage, but there was nothing usable on them. Either they were shot from so far a distance you couldn’t make out anything, or something would block the view either a person or some stupid sign. So as of right now, we were no closer to nailing Hunter than we were when this all started.
After a few days off to recuperate, I was back on the road and not left alone for a minute. If it wasn’t Shane then it was Adam and if Adam wasn’t around then Dwayne was. It was like having my own personal around the clock security. Adam hadn’t told Dwayne everything yet, what happened to me delaying things a bit.
But one night, that would change.
It was around the first part of February and we were at a SmackDown taping in Pittsburgh. Adam and I were in the locker room when he asked me, "Matt, are you busy tonight? After the taping?"
I looked up from lacing my boots. He was in full "Edge" regalia including the sunglasses, which didn’t allow me to see what he was thinking. "Just dinner with Shane, why?"
"Could you stop by mine and Dwayne’s room?"
"Why?"
"I’m telling him everything tonight."
This made me pause.
"He’s been asking what really going on and I can’t keep giving him half answers and I know he wouldn’t believe me if I told him alone. I need you to back me up."
I knew what he meant. Dwayne couldn’t figure out what the hell the three of us were up to and I felt bad making Adam keep things from him. "Sure. Do you want Shane there too?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. We’ll be there."
"So how are things with you and Shane?" he asks casually.
"Okay." Actually things were going slow between us, the tape being the main focus of our attention these days. We hadn’t really had much of a chance to discuss what had happened in Bangor nor what would happen between us after WrestleMania, but like that event, a discussion was looming like a cloud. Whether it would be a storm cloud or a calm one, we would have to wait and see.
He and I walked toward the entranceway a few minutes later, the first time since we started wrestling, we were going out as a tag team. So far we hadn’t seen Hunter since we’d gotten back. Either he was plotting something else or got what he wanted and was going after some other wrestler.
I’d find out later that the former would be true.
Having finished showering and dressing after the match, I told Adam I’d wait by the exit for him. After getting the okay, I walked out and head for the exit where I hoped Shane or Dwayne would be. Not seeing either of them there, I stayed inside saying goodbyes to the guys who were heading out for the night either to party or straight to the hotel to get some sleep. I talked to Amy and Trish, who seemed to be becoming quite the duo since breaking it off with their respective boyfriends. I almost have to laugh at the pairing; tomboy Amy with her flame hair and her tattoo and petite blonde Trish with her cowgirl hat. I wonder who topped in that relationship.
After they left I was alone for a while, something that made me tense. Surely Adam wouldn’t take this long with a shower unless he was with Dwayne, and I had no idea where Shane was. I kept checking my watch every few seconds hoping that one of the guys would come by so I wouldn’t be so nervous. To calm myself or make myself more nervous, I thought about what Adam had said about telling Dwayne everything. It was the right thing to do I know, but there was some part of me that was afraid of things leaking out before WrestleMania.
I thought I’d heard footsteps and relaxed a little, thinking it was one of the guys and it was. Just the one I didn’t want to run into.
"Miss me?"
Hearing his voice, I spun around and saw him standing no more than a few feet away from me. Standing there with that damn smirk on his face.
I begin to move but panther quick he grabs my arm and throws me back against the wall pinning me to it by my upper arms.
"Let go," I said hoping my fear didn’t come out in my voice.
"Oh now Matthew. Are you going to stand there and tell me you haven’t missed me at all since our little encounter? I’m hurt." He said his voice dripping sarcasm.
"Not as hurt as you’re going to be."
"And what are you going to do? I know for a fact you didn’t tell the police anything about what happened between us, nor did you tell Vince. You know I’m beginning to think you enjoy my attention no matter how you get it. Funny thing, my first wife was the same way. She liked things rough as well. Sure she put up a fight like you did, but she’d get tired and take it like the whore she was."
Jesus Christ, tell me he wasn’t saying what I thought he was saying.
"And you know the sick thing was. She married me anyways. Which was fine with me. The folks weren’t too happy about it, but I figured what the hell, why pay for a whore when I had one at home and on the road with me? Save me money and I didn’t have to risk any disease."
I was too shocked and disgusted to move.
"You know, come to think of it…you remind me of her a little."
No! Not when we’re this close to busting your sorry ass! You can’t figure it out yet!
"Yeah, the jet black hair, the dark eyes…those hot lips," he presses a finger to my lips and runs it over them, "which will be around my cock eventually I guarantee you that." He nodded. "Yeah, you do remind me of her."
By now I was shaking so bad, wasn’t sure if I could get a clear shot at him or not.
"But enough about her." He leaned into me so his breath was hot on my cheek as he whispers, "Let’s talk about us. More to the point, what I want to do to you when we get back to my hotel room." He grabs me and pulls me away from the wall to drag me out the door when I hear this ungodly yell and see a blur fly right by me, nailing Hunter like a quarterback and making me stumble a bit.
When my bearings were gathered, I look to see Adam viciously pounding the hell out of Hunter similar to how I’d done when we returned from our vacation after I’d found out he’d raped Adam. There was quite a ruckus as some of the guys tried to split them up and when I felt hands on my arms, I jumped until I saw it was Shane picking me up and taking me in his arms. It took at least six of the guys including Dwayne to pull my brother off Hunter, who was bleeding badly.
"You bastard! You sick son of a bitch!" Adam screamed. "I’ll kill you!"
I watched as the guys pulled him to another part of the hall and watched as Dwayne tried to calm him down. I felt the throbbing in my head start and tucked my head into Shane’s shoulder.
"Thank God Steph’s not here," he murmured in my ear.
I didn’t care about Stephanie or anyone else at the moment. I just wanted all this to be over.
"Here you go," Shane said to me as we sat in Adam and Dwayne’s hotel room.
I took the glass of water and took my medication as Adam and Dwayne sat on the sofa across from Shane and me. For his part Adam was suspended for two weeks and fined five thousand dollars on his attack on Hunter, who only suffered a broken nose and a cut over his right eye.
"Okay." Dwayne leaned forward looking at all three of us. "What in the blue hell has been going on? What the hell is this heat you have with Hunter other than the obvious? What is it about him that makes the two of you act so damned crazy? First you come back from your vacation and Matt beats the shit out of him and now Adam damn near finishes the job. Listen if you want me to help, you have to tell me what’s going on." He looks at Adam. "Honey please? What’s going on?"
Adam and I look at each other the way we had many times before but there was something different in his look this time. "There’s something you don’t know about me, Matt and Hunter."
"I think I know that much."
"See…Matt and I are brothers. Hunter’s our father."
Dwayne’s eyes grew round in shock as he looked from me and Adam and back again. "You’re shitting me?"
"No baby I’m not." Adam said. "Hunter and Chyna were our parents. That’s why Matt has dark hair and I’m a blonde."
"What about Jeff?"
"He was our younger brother. Both Matt’s and mine. He had a twin named Christian, but …Hunter killed him."
Dwayne leaned back. I felt Shane’s arm tighten around my shoulders.
"I think you’d better start at the beginning." Dwayne said, obviously in shock.
We did. We told him everything. I’d even brought the journals with me in case he needed clarification. All the time we talked, I watched Dwayne and prayed to God he wouldn’t reject Adam after this. I watched as Dwayne’s expressions changed from one extreme to another; from sad to angry to furious, his worst fury was when Adam had told him about Hunter raping him when he was fourteen.
When we finished which was about three hours later, Adam and I held our breath as we waited for Dwayne’s reaction. I could see Adam almost shaking in fear over his reaction.
"That sick fuck." Were the first words out of Dwayne’s mouth when we finished. "Jesus Christ. Just when you think you’ve heard and seen everything…"
Afraid of what Dwayne was going to say next and not wanting to hear it, Adam got off the sofa and headed for the bedroom. I stood to go to him, but Dwayne beat me to it, closing the door behind him. Though Shane tried to reassure me things would be okay between them, it broke my heart hearing Adam’s sobs through the closed door.
We sat quietly for about hour before the door opened and Dwayne stepped out. "He’s asleep." He said as he walked over to where he’d sat and sat back down. "So you two have a plan to nail him, Hunter I mean?"
We nodded.
"Good. Count me in."
The phone in the suite rang and with Dwayne’s permission, Shane got up to answer it. As he spoke to whomever was on the other end, I asked Dwayne. "So where does this leave you and Adam?"
"What? You think I’m going to dump him over this?"
"He’s been scared you would."
He smiled bitterly. "Then he don’t know me do he?"
"You still love him?"
"Give me one reason why I shouldn’t."
I couldn’t.
"Listen. I’ll admit it blew my mind when you guys told me what happened, but I’m not going to add to his pain by dumping him. I’ve waited too long for someone like Adam to come into my life and I’m not going to just cast him aside when he’s at his most vulnerable."
"But that doesn’t answer my question. Do you still love him knowing what you know now?"
"Matt?"
I looked over at Shane. "That was Debbie. Sherri’s back in the country and she has the tape."
I felt my heart leap, but I knew better than to get my hopes up after the disappointments we had in the past.
"If we hurry, we can catch the next flight to Boston, which leaves in an hour."
I look at Dwayne. "Could you-?"
"I’ll tell Adam when he wakes up."
I get up and walk to the door, but before following Shane out, I look at Dwayne. "Take care of Adam."
"I always take care of those I love."
I smiled at him before bolting after Shane.
It was around one am when we arrive at Sherri Martel’s house.
"Shane," she greets with a hug. "So nice to see you again all this time."
"Same here."
She looks at me. "So this is the new boyfriend?"
"Yeah." He beams at me.
"Nice to meet you."
"Same here." We shake hands.
Without the spackled on makeup, Sherri’s quite a beautiful woman, though her figure’s a little fuller and her hair, which was done in a flattering way, was streaking with gray. "Sorry I look like hell," she apologized. "I just got back from a tour and I haven’t changed yet. So, you want a tape of Chyna’s last match?"
"Yeah, turns out Vince wants to start making the women’s division more athletic. Have them take more bumps things like that and we just need to see what happened so nothing like that happens again." Shane explains as we walk through her house.
"Damn shame what happened." She says as we enter a darkened room. She switches a light on and I swear it’s nothing but a video store in here, what with the inlaid shelving which takes up two of the walls, an entertainment center, though not quite as big as Shawn’s on the third wall and a window dominating the fourth. "She was one hell of a talent, and she loved those babies of hers too. I especially remember little Chris, God he was a doll."
My hear trips a beat. God I hope she doesn’t figure out who I am before we see the tape.
"And Jeffery, boy was he a risk taker. You should’ve seen the way he’d play in the ring after it was set up. You’d think that boy was destined for wrestling." She begins peering at the spines of the tapes on the shelves starting with the one by the door we just entered into. "Then there were the older boys. Can’t really remember their names off hand, but I’m sure they’re a couple of heartbreakers by now."
Shane and I look at each other with him giving me a secret smile. "I’m sure they are."
"But Hunter, God he was a pig."
I was really beginning to like her.
"I mean the way he’d treat Joanie while we were on the road…it was heartbreaking. Oh sure he didn’t pull anything when the little ones were with them, but when it was just the two of them…" She shakes her head as she sets a tape back on the shelf. "She’d come in the arena with a black eye or some mark or another. She’d always make up some lie - she was roughhousing with the kids or she got into a bar brawl. Now don’t get me wrong, her and I were in some doozies but not every night. Then there would be when they were in the hotel room." She pauses. "I remember one night, I think it was before she got pregnant with the twins. I had the room next to theirs and I could hear her pleading with him to stop. What she meant, I didn’t know, but I was going over to find out what was going on until Shawn told me to stay out of it. Shouldn’t have surprised me though, seeing how tight they were at the time, but when I saw her in the morning, she looked so sad and broken."
That’s it Sherri, keep fueling the fire.
"Now damnit I know it’s here somewhere. Anyways, I always felt so guilty about not helping her. I often wondered what it was like at home with those babies of hers. I’d wondered if they ever knew what went on."
We didn’t.
She now moves over to the other wall. "I know near the match, Hunter had said something about moving her and the kids back to Greenwich and she was so adamant against it. Said she never wanted anything to do with his family. Didn’t want her children around them. Especially Pat."
"She ever say why?" Shane ventured. I was too thunderstruck from what I was hearing to really say anything.
"I don’t know, but something had to have happened there. Because I know she said something about taking the oldest boy there for a visit when he was two, or not quite two, I don’t know. But when she came back, it wasn’t long after she was pregnant again."
I practically swoon when I hear this. I’d always assumed that there had been no contact between Mom and our grandparents. "She ever say what happened?"
"No," she crouched down to check out the shelves. "But Pat terrified her. She wouldn’t be in the same room with him unless someone else was there with her."
Just like Adam had been until recently with Hunter. Probably for the same reason.
"I tried to get her to talk to me, especially after she found out she was pregnant for her second, but she wouldn’t talk to me. But I did some checking and sure enough it was exactly nine months from when she went there that she had her second boy."
I looked at Shane. Please don’t let what I’m thinking be true.
"Here it is!" she stood, holding the tape up in her hand. "Let’s hope this things plays."
Shane walked to me and put an arm around me.
"Actually, it should play pretty good." She turned the television on and pushed the tape into the VCR. "I’ve had half my collection rerecorded. You know I’ll be so glad when they come out with a recordable DVD player. It’ll make my life so much simpler."
While the VCR rewound, so many thoughts went through my head, the worst being what she’d said about grandfather and Mom. If it was what I was thinking, God help me I’d want to die.
When it finished rewinding, she pressed play. It was the same as the one we’d seen at Shawn’s with Raven doing his Johnny Polo shtick and Mark entering the ring as the old Undertaker, the one who looked like he was from the wild west, but unlike the other disappointments, this one played straight through and it wasn’t long before the main event which was Hunter and Mom against Shawn and Sherri, full makeup and all.
I could feel Shane behind me squeezing my shoulders as I blinked back tears watching Mom walk to the ring. She looked so strong and defiant like she was telling the world to kiss her ass but knowing what I know now, I couldn’t help but wonder if she was terrified of what was coming after the match was over.
The match went on and they finally made their way to the stage. This was where I held my breath.
All four of them were fighting and Mom had tossed Sherri to one side before turning her attention to Hunter and Shawn.
And that’s when we saw it.
Shawn had laid in a right hand sending Hunter spinning but he paused enough to get his hands up, to make it look like he was reaching for her and shoved Mom backwards where she lost her footing and fell through the trap door. Amazingly, they showed replays from three different angles and they all showed the same thing; Hunter shoving Mom to her death.
"My God," Sherri breathed, rewinding it back to that spot. She played it again. "The son of a bitch pushed her! All these years I thought it was an accident and the son of a bitch pushed her!"
I gripped the back of the chair I was standing behind. It was one thing to imagine it but to actually see it with your own eyes…
I didn’t hear Shane ask Sherri if he could make a duplicate of the tape to which she agreed, all I could hear was him whispering in my ear, "We got him."
I nodded as my body shook, not in fear but in relief. Relief that we were going to nail the motherfucker once and for all.
We caught a red eye back to Pittsburgh. We called Dwayne to let him know we were coming back and to not leave the hotel until we got there. I asked how Adam was and he told me he was calmer; a feeling I knew wouldn’t last once we showed him the tape.
Hanging up the in-flight phone, I leaned back in my seat, feeling so damned tired.
"Hey."
I look at Shane, his eyes filled with nothing but love pure and simple.
"Hey," I reply taking his hand in mine. We were two of only fifteen passengers on the forty-five seat capacity plane.
"Feeling good about this?"
"On one hand yes, but on the other hand," I sigh. "I’m terrified."
"About what?"
"Sherri said I was born exactly nine months after Mom went to Hunter’s house and then she was terrified of Pat afterwards…"
"Hell anyone would be."
"Shane, what if...? What if Pat’s my father?"
"Baby…" He lifted the armrest between us and held me to him.
"It would explain so much. Why he hates me, why he hurt us the way he did…"
"Shhh," he soothed, stroking my hair.
"My life couldn’t get my more fucked up than it has so far could it?"
"We’ll get them Matt. We’ll get the whole fucking lot of them."
I sighed and closed my eyes, inhaling the scent of Shane’s cologne, which was as reassuring to me as his touch. "Shane?" I whisper dreamily.
"What baby?"
"I love you."
I felt his lips on the top of my head. "I love you too. I love you so much."
"Good," I mumble before drifting off.
40
We waited until Mick and Collette could come up to Cleveland before we showed the tape to Dwayne and Adam. Luckily for us, Sherri was able to copy just the match we needed.
I watched Adam as the tape played and I could see the sad look in his eyes when he saw Mom walk to the ring.
"Oh my God," Collette gasped as Hunter shoved Mom to her death. Adam covered his face after seeing this, but by the way his body was shaking I could tell he was crying.
"That son of a bitch!" Mick exploded. "I always knew he was a sick fuck but this…"
"That’s not the only thing he’s pulled," Shane said before telling Mick and Collette about what Hunter had done to me. I hadn’t ever planned on telling them about the rape, but Shane convinced me that the time had come to quit keeping things from everyone. I swear Mick was about ready to Cactus Jack Hunter’s ass until Collette calmed him down. "Matt, why didn’t you tell us?" she demanded. "I thought you promised us you wouldn’t keep things from us anymore."
"I know." But there were more pressing issues as Shane went into everything Sherri had told us about Mom and Hunter’s relationship. When he mentioned what might’ve happened at Hunter’s house before I was born, Adam looked at me, obviously thinking what I was thinking.
"Somebody better call the cops and tell them there’s going to be a fucking homicide," Mick said as he paced the room. "Both him and the old man!"
"Everyone please!" Collette stood, before sighing. "The important thing here is what do we do now?"
"Well there’s only a few weeks before WrestleMania," Shane says. "If we can all keep calm and keep our heads straight before then, that’s when we’ll nail him."
"Normally I wouldn’t agree with what you’re planning Shane," Collette said. "But this time I’ll make an exception. Nobody hurts my babies and gets away with it."
Needing some air, I excused myself and walked out to the balcony. Looking down at the scenery, I couldn’t wait until WrestleMania was over with, but on the other hand I dreaded it, because I knew our lives would be changed forever.
"Matt?"
I look over my shoulder and watch Adam approach me. We stood next to each other, not saying a word until he said, "God this is some fucking nightmare we got ourselves into isn’t it?"
"You don’t know the half of it."
"You’re worried about what Sherri said aren’t you?"
"Aren’t you?" I return. "I mean, what if what I suspect is true? What if that sick fuck Pat is my father? Christ."
I feel his hand rub my back reassuringly. "Listen. It doesn’t matter who our fathers are. All that matters is that we both came from the same wonderful woman."
"Yeah, a woman who’d been used, abused and then killed and for what? For what?"
He took me in his arms as I finally broke down, the stress and everything of the past few days getting to me.
It was nighttime and everyone had gone out to dinner, except me.
I stayed in mine and Shane’s room, not feeling too hungry. I just wanted to be alone, which I know is the worst thing right now, given what’s happened, but the door’s locked and everyone was eating downstairs.
I was sitting on the sofa thinking about my future when the phone rang. I got up thinking it was Shane, but when I picked it up I wished I hadn’t.
"Hello Matthew."
Grandfather.
"What do you want?" my voice was hard.
"One last meeting. You, me and Adam." No beating around the bush for the Helmsley men was there?
"I told you the last time I was there, I never wanted to see you again."
"Now, now, is that anyway to talk to your father boy?"
I felt like I’d been shot. "You’re lying."
"I wish I were, but I assure you I’m not. I’ve heard you’ve been looking into your mother’s death. Maybe even humiliate your…brother a little."
"How the hell do you know?"
"Never trust a McMahon Matthew. Especially one who lies when he says he loves you."
"Shane?" No it couldn’t…he wouldn’t…not after everything…
"The one in the same. In fact he’s been keeping me quite up to date on things. So I hear you found a tape of the night your mother was murdered. Very good, though all you had to do was ask. I had a perfectly good copy in my safe."
I sit on the arm of the sofa, trying not to crack after learning of Shane’s betrayal.
"Are you still there Matthew?"
"Yes," I whisper.
"Good. Now I see you’re due back in Greenwich one week before WrestleMania. I request you bring Adam with you this time."
"If you think I’m going to let you near him after what you did to him…"
"For the love of God child, I’m a sick old man."
"You got that right."
"What could I possibly to harm either of you physically? Besides, if you really want to put the screws to Paul, I may have what you need."
"Why are you helping us now?"
"Let’s just say an ungrateful child is sharper than a serpent’s tooth. See you in a few weeks Matthew."
He hung up in my ear. I hung up the phone, physically ill. How could he? I wonder. How could Shane betray me – betray us! –like this?
I double over as though in pain, which I was. Dear God, how could he do this to me? I finally let my guard down around him, I trusted him with my darkest secrets, I told him I loved him for God’s sake and he snitches us out to grandfather!
I wasn’t aware of the door opening or that there was anyone in the room until I heard his voice asking, "Matt? Honey what is it?"
I flew across the room and nailed him with one punch harder than I did the night Adam and I broke up. Mick and Adam pulled me off him before I could do any more damage. "You fucking backstabber!" I scream. "How could you do this!"
"Matt," Adam’s saying, "what are you talking about?"
I free myself from their grips as I look down at Shane, who’s being tended to by Collette. "Guess who called me while you were out? Grandfather. And you know what he told me? He told me that you’ve been telling him what’s been going on. You’ve been telling him everything we’ve been doing!"
Mick looked at Shane. "Is that true? Have you been going behind Matt’s back and telling him everything?"
He looks to Mick and then to me before saying, "Honey I’m sorry, but there’s a reason."
"Get out." I say brokenly.
"Matt…" he says.
"Get out! Get out of this hotel room and get out of my life! How could you do this to me? To Adam? After all we’ve been through, how can you betray us like this?"
"Matt, just give me a chance to explain."
"You mean give you a chance to lie to us again?" Adam asked.
I storm into the bedroom and grab his unpacked bags. When I return, I throw them at him. "Get out!" I shout before heading back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me and throwing myself on the bed, where I just let the tears flow. God how could I have been so stupid! If grandfather knew, then Hunter must know and everything Adam and I have gone through has been for nothing as our revenge was just thrown out the window.
"Matt..? Matt…"
I open my eyes slowly before lifting my head to look around.
It’s morning and there’s someone sitting on the edge of the bed. I look and see Collette's worried face looking down at me. "Mornin’ sleepyhead."
"What time is it?"
"About eight thirty. How’re you feeling?"
"Like my heart’s been ripped out." I was so numb I didn’t feel like crying right now. "God Collette, I trusted him. He knows everything about Adam and me and the twins and all we’ve been through. He told me he loved me and I told him back. He broke me and Adam up…" I shook my head and rested it back on the pillow. "How could he do that to me?"
"He’d like to tell you if you give him a chance."
"I don’t want to see him again." God this was worse than when Hunter raped me. At least I wasn’t in love with Hunter.
"Matt, the two of you have to work together."
"So I ignore him like I did before." I shrug. "No big deal."
"So you don’t want to know why?"
"I don’t care. He knew how I felt about grandfather and he goes and reports to him like a little soldier."
She sighs. "Why don’t you take a nice warm shower? You’ll feel better."
"I’d rather get some sleep."
"Okay. I’ll order room service when you wake up."
"Thank you." I mumble before drifting to sleep.
I finally woke up for good around two in the afternoon and when I walked out into the living room, imagine my horror to find Shane still there with everyone. "I thought I told you to leave." I say to him.
"Matt, just hear him out." Mick says.
"I can’t believe this, you’re taking his side?"
"Just hear him out."
I look at Adam, who says nothing.
"I don’t have to hear anything."
"Matt," Adam finally speaks. "Please."
"You’re on his side now? Christ Adam, he’s pretty much shot our revenge all to hell."
"No he hasn’t." Adam looks at me. "Just listen to him."
I sigh loudly. "This better be good." I sit on the sofa by Collette.
"It is." He says. "It looks like history’s repeating itself."
"What do you mean?"
"I got a call about a couple of weeks ago from Pat. I was going to hang up on him when he told me things were getting bad with Hunter and Steph. I asked what he meant and he told me there had been fights and arguments and there was even a time when he pushed her hard enough to fall, which is not a good thing in her condition. Anyways, he also notices that whenever Hunter is home, that’s when he feels his worst and when he’s on the road he feels pretty good. Pat thinks Hunter’s poisoning him."
"Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy." I say.
"True. But it’s possible he’s doing the same to Steph, because he notices the same symptoms in her when they’re home that he has. She feels sick, nauseous, tired. The thing is everyone’s chalking it up to the pregnancy that they’re not suspecting anything else. So I mentioned something about getting back at Hunter for everything he’d done to you and your brothers and he said he’d help in anyway he could."
"Why? Why the hell would he help us?"
"Damned if I know. He wouldn’t get into it with me. Said he wanted to talk to you and Adam at some point about that. Now I know how you feel about Pat, and I know you’re hurt about me going behind your back and telling him things, but Matt, my sister is mixed up with that psycho son of his and she’s pregnant and vulnerable. Now I love you, but I love my sister more and if it had to come down to a choice then I’m sorry Matt, but Steph and my unborn niece or nephew wins hands down and if that means working with your boogeyman grandfather to bring that asshole Hunter down then I’ll do it. Now you and I have come so far and we’re so close. All you have to do is make that one last trip to Greenwich with Adam and he’ll give you what you need to totally kill Hunter’s career and destroy his future, and hopefully save Steph’s and the baby’s. It’s more or less up to you and Adam now."
I look at my brother – I don’t care, he’s still my brother regardless of who my father may be – and I see that look, the one I saw the night he told me Aaron was going to write the articles about us. The look of utter and complete dread.
"Could you come with us?"
"He wants to see the two of you alone. I’ll ride out with you, but I can’t go in the house."
I sigh and look at Adam. "Well? Think you’re up to it?"
He looks at me. "Oh hell yeah."
I look back at Shane. "Let’s nail him."
It was one week before WrestleMania and we were on our way to grandfather’s house.
I sat up front with Shane who was driving and Adam sat in the back with Dwayne, who wanted to come along at the last minute, just staring out the window. My insides were churning and for a while there I thought I was going to be sick from my stomach turning in knots.
We approached and parked in front of the house that had been our prison for almost five years.
We got out and just stared at the house. We’d seen it from afar once before and I’d seen it close up the three times I’d been here but this was Adam’s first time being this close since we left and I watched his expression which was blank though he squeezed Dwayne’s hand, which squeezed back in reassurance. I then looked at Shane. Since the blow out we hadn’t spoke much but knew we had to get through this first before we could even think of working things out.
"Ready?" I asked Adam.
"Yeah." A quick kiss to Dwayne before we walked to the door together. Robert opened the door and though he knew me, he had to ask if this was Adam with me. When I told him yes, he let us in and escorted us up to grandfather’s room though when we reached the top of the stairs, Adam paused as I had and looked in the direction of our prison, but unlike me he didn’t linger long as he turned away and followed me and Robert to our grandfather’s room. Robert knocked and opened the door when we heard him shout to come in. Adam and I gave each other one last look before entering the room.
Grandfather was confined to the bed and looked weaker than he had the other times I’d been here, but there was some strength in him as he looked at us, particularly Adam. "I didn’t think you’d show."
"Surprise." Adam replied.
"Well we’re here," I say. "What do you want this time?"
"First off I’d like to say that your father has no knowledge of this Adam. Yes I know you’re wondering what I mean." He holds out an envelope to me, which I take. "There are the DNA results. I had them take a sample of Matthew’s blood after a show one night and it shows without a doubt that Matthew is your uncle, Adam."
"Why?" I look at him trying to restrain myself.
"No other reason than an old man wanting to feel young again with a beautiful young woman."
I raise my eyebrows slightly. I’ve never heard him ever refer to Mom as beautiful.
"Did you rape her?" Adam asked.
"Given our history I’m not surprised that you’d ask that but no and I don’t care if you believe me or not."
"Then why was she afraid of you?"
"She was afraid I might mention what happened between us and she knew if Paul had found out that Matthew wasn’t his, she was afraid of what he might do to her."
"I thought there was never any contact between you and our father since you disowned him." I say.
"There wasn’t. Not for a long time."
"So how do you explain everything that happened leading to Matt’s birth?" Adam asked.
"It was all Joanie’s idea. She wanted to patch things up between Paul and us, and she thought Adam would be the perfect olive branch, but it didn’t turn out that way. Lillian resented her and told them to never come back, but by then she was pregnant, or at least on her way to being pregnant after our night together."
I felt like gagging at the thought of this lech putting his hands on Mom, but remembering what Sherri had told me about her and Hunter’s relationship, I guess it shouldn’t surprise me she’d turn to someone else. I just wished it had been anyone but him.
"Why are you trying to help us?"
"Because it’s time someone taught him a lesson don’t you?" He sighed. "That day you came out here with Shane and you told me Paul had tried to rape you I knew I had to put a stop to him."
"Why? You sure as hell didn’t put a stop to it when the three of you raped me." Adam snapped.
"Because you weren’t my blood the same way Matthew is. You were of his blood."
"Doesn’t matter." Adam replies. "We both came from the same sick gene pool. You."
"True, but Matthew is my son. There’s a difference."
"No there isn’t." Now it was my turn. "It didn’t matter. You shouldn’t have laid your hands on him or any of us."
"Have you ever asked yourself why you were punished the way you were?"
No! He wasn’t doing this to me again!
"Well you’ve made it pretty clear that it was all Matt’s fault." Adam says.
"Not all. You can blame your father for that Adam. Locking you away and punishing you the way I did was my way at getting back at him."
"You said it was his idea to lock us away."
"It was…when I gave him no choice in the matter."
"What?"
"I told him flat out there was no way he’d get his mother’s money if we didn’t lock you four away. I wouldn’t even consider allowing him in the house if he didn’t agree."
"So you terrorized four innocent children to get back at your son?" Adam chuckled coldly. "Christ no wonder he’s fucked up."
"Blame his mother for that."
"Her? Why?"
"She warped him. Plain and simple. Ever since he was about the age you were when you came here Matthew, she treated him more like a husband then a son. Granted she and I married for nothing more than money, but when Paul was old enough to be taken to bed, she would take him in my place."
Adam and I stared wide-eyed at each other. Christ how sick was this family?
"Everything he’s done has been his way of getting back at her in one way or another. He married your mother out of spite. He married Stephanie so he wouldn’t have to rely on his mother’s money anymore and as far as the two of you went, he abused the two of you to prove he was still a man."
"What about Jeff?"
"As I told Matthew, he knew if he admitted Jeff was his son, then he’d be cut off dry without a cent and by the way Matthew, remember when you asked me who would the money would go to if Paul ever lost it?"
"Yeah."
"Congratulations. It all goes to you. Everything. The house, the money, everything. I talked to my wife’s attorney the other day. Turns out she knew about you being my son and given the way Paul has spited her over the years, she thought it’d be fitting that if her favorite son would lose everything to the one belonging to the husband she couldn’t stand." He laughed. "Gotta hand it to the old broad. Nothing got by without her knowing it."
"Does he know?"
Pat shook his head. "He has no clue as to where the money would go if he lost it. He tried to get it out of me the day I whipped him. That’s why he attacked me, because I wouldn’t tell him, but when I told him I could guarantee he would get the money, he perked up real nice."
"And poisoning us?"
"His idea. Though I made sure Matthew’s had less than the rest of yours."
"Sounded like you were real proud of him the night before we escaped." Adam spoke.
"Hmm…Robert thought he’d seen someone in the house. I told him not to bother calling the police, I knew you were plotting your escape from here."
"How?"
"The same way I found out about the two of you. Sure you might’ve thought Gerald told me but the truth was the room was wired. I could hear and see what went on while you were in there. Go take a look. The cameras are still there, though not working as well as they had."
The slow pulsing beat in my head was beginning. I tried fighting it not wanting to show my one weakness to the sick fuck in front of me.
"What really happened to Christian?" Adam asked. "We know he was cremated. But did he really die at the hospital?"
"He never made it. Gerald drove as fast as he could, but he didn’t make it. Had a seizure and died in your father’s arms. Paul knew if we’d taken him to a hospital it’d get out about Christian being his son, so he demanded we take him to a friend of mine who ran the crematorium here. Said there was no way he was going to lose what was rightfully his."
I bit the inside of my mouth so hard I could taste blood.
"Anything else?" He asked as calmly as though he wasn’t shredding Adam and me to bits emotionally.
"Shane said there was something you wanted to give us."
He leaned over to the other side of the bed and handed us a manila envelope. "There are two tapes in there as well as a transcript. One is my confession to everything I’ve done and what Paul has done. It’s been authenticated by my physician and my attorney, proving that I am of sound mind and body and that this was given freely and not under duress. And the second one, I want you to play this at WrestleMania and only at WrestleMania. No peeking."
"Why are you really doing this?"
He stared ahead of himself. "I’m not long for this world and the one thing I want to see before I die is my son completely and unashamedly humiliated for everything he’s done. That’s all. You may go now."
"Just one more question." I say.
"What?"
"If you claimed to have cared about our mother at all, then why did you call her all those names?"
He sighs. "I never really said I cared about her, but I was angry. Angry that she never told me about you. That she remained married to Paul and allowed him to treat her the way he did." He shook his head, his features softening. "I thought if I could think of her as a whore, it wouldn’t hurt so bad, the things she did to me."
"Think she would’ve loved you if she knew what you did to us?" I said bitterly.
He looks at me. "Doesn’t matter now does it? She died before you came here. You may go now." He repeats as the door opened behind us and Robert stood there waiting for us to leave, which we do knowing this would be the last time we would ever see him again.
Walking into Shane’s brownstone in Stamford, I felt exhausted, drained, you name it and that’s what I was. Dwayne and Adam took the car to pick up some dinner, Shane and I talking them into staying in the guest room tonight.
"It’s a week away." I say absently.
"Yeah." He sits next to me. "Nervous?"
"Do you have to ask?" A pause. "Yeah. A lot nervous."
"I called Steph. She and the baby are okay."
"Good. She know what we’re up to?"
"No. I’m not telling her until just before. She doesn’t need the stress of keeping this from Hunter. I’m hoping she doesn’t come but I know she will."
"Have you told her anything about Hunter?"
"No, but she’s getting scared of him, I can tell by how she talks." A pause. "How are you holding up?"
"Okay. It was a little rough going for a bit, but we survived."
"So did he tell you if he’s-"
"My father? Yeah." I hand him the envelope containing the DNA results. "He is."
"I’m sorry." Shane sets it aside without even opening it.
"So am I."
"For what?"
"Going off on you like that." I say.
"Well I don’t blame you. I should’ve told you but I had to think of Steph."
"I know."
"Do you still love me?"
I looked at him and smirked. "I don’t know. Do you still love me even though I can be a moody bitch at times?"
"Hey that’s why I fell for you in the first place." Shane slid over and held me to him, my back pressing against his chest. "My own personal tortured, brooding anti-hero."
I laughed.
"My own Dark Angel." He whispers before kissing me, which I returned. "Wanna go upstairs?"
"What about dinner?"
"We can eat later."
"What about Dwayne and Adam?"
"They can join us if they want."
I totally crack up at his double meaning. "Listen, I don’t care if you do have a history with Dwayne, you’re not bringing one of your exes into our bed."
"Our bed?" He raises an eyebrow Rock style.
"Well yours." Realizing my presumptuousness, I correct myself.
"No," he says. "‘Our bed’ sounds so much nicer."
"I don’t think now’s the time to talk about yours, mine and ours. Let’s just get through WrestleMania first."
"All right. But once we do, we are going to have a talk about our future."
If there is one, I think, worrying about what’ll happen afterwards.
"But all I want to think about now is getting you upstairs. Come on." He pulls me off the sofa and I follow him up to his bedroom and not the guest room I usually stay in when I’m here. His bedroom is quite plain and simple in appearance, just perfect for someone who was on the road a lot like he was.
It wasn’t long before his lips began their assault on mine, our tongues dancing their intimate tango. We stumble over to the bed where we fall laughing before he kissed me again. I lay there as he takes off my sweater and kisses the warm skin underneath, which is made warmer by the attention. Eventually he gets around to removing his clothes and lays on me, our sweat sheened torsos touching. I tense a little remembering this is the first time we had sex since the rape and I think Shane sensed that as well as he whispered, "Don’t think of him. Don’t think of anyone but me, okay?"
"I’ll try." I whisper back before kissing him, his mouth warm and inviting as I slide my tongue in. It’s not there long as he moves his mouth from mine and begins its familiar path down my neck, chest - as always making me whimper at the sensitivity of my nipples in his mouth - and waist. It’s while he’s kissing my stomach, which contracts from the excitement, that he undoes my belt and slides my pants off me. I suck in some air as I feel the cool air in the room caresses my erection. I lay there in longing as I watch him undress before lying next to me.
Now things pick up between us with our hands and mouths going everywhere. Sufficiently aroused, Shane kneels in front of me. "You okay with this?" he asks. "If you want me to stop, I will."
"I’m okay." Just fuck me already okay? I want to shout at him.
With the help of some lube he had in his nightstand drawer, he inches his finger in slowly. I throw my head back at how good it feels, which increases when he slides another finger in and begins working them in and out, tickling that part of me that leaves me gasping. So wrapped up in the sensation, I don’t even notice him sliding his finger out and sliding his cock in one swift movement. I moan when I feel how filling he is. It takes a couple of moments for me to adjust to him before he begins pumping slowly as he begins caressing my cock in his free hand the other holding onto the headboard which was what I was doing, forcing myself down on him as he thrusted in and out of me.
"So nice…" he whispers. "Oh God Matt…"
I whimper and wrap my legs around his waist, not wanting this to stop.
"Oh I fucking love you…"
Then don’t stop…
I feel his pace pick up and my own excitement build I could feel him slow down a bit as though making sure we came at the same time, which we did, with him exploding in me and me coming all over myself, both of us letting out cries that would’ve scared the neighbors. I feel him slide out, much to my disappointment, before his tongue began lapping itself on my stomach, licking up every bit of my juices before resting on top of me.
"Your turn." He gasps.
"What?"
"I want you in me."
"I…I don’t know." The memory of the last time I was ‘in him’ crept into my head. "I don’t want to hurt you."
"You won’t."
"But the last time…"
"Didn’t happen. It didn’t happen." He rolled over so he could be the bottom dragging me on top of him. "Please? I want to feel you in me."
I paused but the need in his eyes convinced me to let go of the past. Rising off him, I slicked myself up before testing his entry, which brought a gasp of his own. "Oh God…" he moaned. I slid my fingers out and inch by inch, entered him sometimes pausing to the point where he’d beg me to keep going. Eventually I felt myself in him fully and I swear I was going to come right then by feeling him adjust to me.
I started slowly, teasing him both with my cock and my hand, sometimes entering and pulling at the same time, other times I would do it separately, entering him while pushing down and exiting while pulling up. The fear of getting carried away was still there, but this time there was no anger, no hatred, just the pursuit of release for the both of us. By now he was like a madman, his head rolling side to side, and he mumbled something I thought sounded like another tongue, but by that time I didn’t care as I was losing myself in my own pleasure, thrusting in and out of him, the friction more than I could bear until eventually I could feel myself filling him before exploding in him as his cock exploded on him.
"Oh God!" I shouted before collapsing on top of him, smacking our foreheads together making us laugh. I slid out of him as he hugged me.
"That wasn’t so bad now was it?" he asked me.
"No it wasn’t. It wasn’t."
He kissed my forehead and sighed before closing his eyes, an action I repeated, my body feeling like liquid.
I’ve often wondered what it would be like to wake up in Shane’s bed. In his arms.
I opened my eyes and saw it was only eight twenty at night, according to the clock on Shane’s nightstand. I looked up and saw Shane still asleep, looking so peaceful. Carefully I slid out from under his arm and got out of bed to slide my jeans on. I kissed him and whispered, "I love you", before heading out of the room to get something to eat.
I heard voices as I approached the kitchen and I saw Adam and Dwayne sitting at the dining room table having their dinner. Dwayne looked up. "Hey Matt work up an appetite?"
I flip him off before entering the room, which dissolved the both of them into a giggling fit the likes I haven’t see since the fax incident on Adam’s and mine last anniversary.
"You know, I’d forgotten how loud you were when you came. I thought Shane was trying to kill you." Adam started up again, getting another one finger salute from me as I dug into the Boston Markets bag.
"Hope you don’t mind chicken and mashed potatoes." Dwayne said. "That is unless you’re not too hungry after you just ate."
Once again they cracked up, which earned them each a one-fingered salute.
"That small huh? Must’ve used a dildo to make you scream that loud."
I couldn’t help but start laughing.
"Shane still asleep?"
I nod as I take a cup out of the bag.
"I’ll go get him. His dinner’s getting cold." Dwayne said before kissing Adam and leaving the room.
"So you two back together?" Adam asks.
"You know I can’t stay mad at him for too long." I open the lid on my dinner.
"I’m glad. You two really fit each other."
"So do you and Dwayne."
"I’m glad you think that way."
There was something about the tone in his voice. "Why’s that?"
"The reason we were so late getting back was because…Dwayne asked me to marry him."
I look across the table at him. "You’re shitting me?"
"Nope. He asked me out in the driveway."
"He’s a real romantic. Think of what you’ll tell your kids someday."
"Matt…"
"I’m joking."
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"Are you happy? Mad? What?"
In a way I was more disappointed then anything. I’d always hoped there would be some slim chance he and I could be together again, that’s how strong my love for him was, but then I think of how far he’s come since being with Dwayne and knew it was selfish of me to keep feeling that way. "I’m happy for you guys really," I said trying to sound enthusiastic, but it came out flat.
"Jeeze don’t wet yourself with excitement."
"I’m sorry, it’s just I’ve got a lot on my mind with next week and all."
"Yeah same here. How do you think it’s going to go?"
"Well it could go either way. It could be an unmitigated success or a total disaster. I guess it’s up to what grandfather put on the tape."
"Think he could try and bury us?"
"Wouldn’t put it past him. Either way, the shit’s going to hit the fan next Sunday." And I prayed to God it would go in our favor.
41
There’s nothing like the energy of a WrestleMania.
This year’s was being held in Dallas, Texas and it promised to be the WrestleMania to end all others. Not only was Dwayne going against Austin, who won the belt from Hunter at Royal Rumble, but also Adam was going for his first singles title, my old European Title. Me, I finally got my shot at Kurt for the IC belt, but despite all this there were butterflies as Hunter’s "Retirement Party" came closer.
Having spent the past weekend signing autographs at Axxess, Adam and I were glad for the less chaotic setting of the dressing room. There were people running around getting their instructions, finding out where their matches ranked, standing around making plans for the after WrestleMania parties that would be going on all through Dallas.
I was inside my dressing room stretching my legs when the door opens and Shane walks in.
"Hey," he greets, leaning down to kiss me.
"Hey."
"So are we ready?"
"For the match yes, for the party no."
"Well Mick has the tape and the Laurers are here."
I paused in the middle of my warm-up stretch. Adam and I had decided to include Mom’s family in the festivities and when we passed through Cameron, we invited them to come here tonight and witness Hunter’s downfall and they were more than willing to come along, though we had to admit to them it might be a bust. They said they understood and still wanted to be there, if not to see their grandchildren wrestle in such a large event like this. "I know Joanie would be so proud of the two of you," Grandma beamed when she hugged us.
Mick and Collette were here too. Collette was with the Laurers and Mick was wandering around waiting for a chance to give the tape to his friend in the production truck who’d play it for us, and if you can believe it, Raven also made an appearance, saying he wanted to see Hunter to pay for what he’d done to Jeff.
Now all we had to worry ourselves with was what was on the tape grandfather made.
"Good," I said as I switched legs and begin stretching my left leg.
"And yours and Adam’s matches are before the party, which has been scheduled before Dwayne and Austin’s."
"Have you seen them?"
"Adam’s in Dwayne’s room pacing and Dwayne’s there watching him like a love struck fiancée."
They told Shane about their engagement over the dinner last week and Mick and Collette the next morning, and it looks like the ceremony would be held at Mick and Collette's sometime in June.
"What about Stephanie?"
"She’s with Mom and Vince. She’ll probably come out for the party."
"Damn." I was hoping that wouldn’t be the case.
"I know. She’s starting to worry me. She looks so damned worn out. I know first babies are usually difficult but this is extreme and she’s not even four months along yet."
"He’s probably been slipping her something."
"And I have a scary idea what it is."
The door opened again and in ambled Mick. "Well?"
"I got the tape to Woody. He’ll play it at the precise moment I told him to." He looks at me. "How’re you feeling?"
"Like I’m about to throw up from nerves." I don’t tell them about the dull ache in my head, which has been bothering me all weekend.
"It’ll all be over soon."
"Not soon enough." I look at Shane. "Are you sure he doesn’t suspect a thing?"
"If he does he’s hiding it pretty well."
"Damn."
"Matt," Mick says. "Don’t panic. We’ll get the bastard."
God I hoped so.
I was leaving the mess hall after getting a bottle of water when I walked past what I thought was an empty dressing room until someone grabbed me and dragged me in, slamming my head up against the metal locker, which didn’t help the pounding in my head any.
"Hello Hardy." I see Hunter in front of me wearing his "Game" t-shirt and track pants.
I don’t say anything.
"Oh what’s wrong? Aren’t you going to miss me after tonight?"
"No."
"You know the one thing I’m going to miss about not being active? Nailing sweet young things like you. But who knows, when Vince gives me WCW, I’ll probably get all the tail I want, though I really like yours the best." He presses against me and runs his hands down my back and cups my ass. "Oh yeah," he whispers. "I’ll definitely miss yours. Maybe I’ll let Vince transfer your contract to WCW. That way we could have all the time together that we want."
A voice floats down the hall and Hunter jumps back like a scolded child. I look behind him and see why; Vince and Stephanie have walked into the room.
"Hi Matt," Stephanie greets. I look at her and I see why Shane’s so worried about her. She has dark circles under her eyes and looks like she lost some weight, which makes the slight bulge of her baby obvious.
"What brings you by?" Vince asks.
"I asked him to stop in," Hunter says fixing me with a deadly stare. "Thought I’d invite him to the party after the show."
"Well, you know you’re welcome to come along." Vince said.
"I’ll have to talk to Shane first." I say.
Vince nods before turning to Stephanie. "Now are you sure you want to come out to the ring tonight?"
"Daddy," she sits on a sofa on the other side of the locker room. "It’s not like I’m going to go out and wrestle." She chuckles. "Besides how would it look if I don’t show up at my own husband’s retirement tribute?"
It would look like you’re a smart lady.
"You have been tired lately."
"I know Daddy. But it shouldn’t be more than a few minutes at most. Besides, when Hunter and I go back to Greenwich in the morning I’ll get all the rest I need."
After he gets enough arsenic in you, you’ll get all the rest in the world and he gets your money.
"Well if it means that much to you."
"It does."
I excuse myself at this point and head for the door. "Oh Matt?" Vince says as I open the door.
"Yes sir?"
"Could you have Shane come here for a moment? There’s something I need to talk to him about."
"Okay." I say, knowing full well what that is and hope I can talk to him before he came here.
I make it to my dressing room and thankfully Shane is still there.
"Hey babe," he says looking up from some papers.
"Shane there’s something I have to tell you."
"I already know you love me." He chuckles.
"It’s not that. Vince wants to see you and-"
He sighs in irritation before getting up. "Damn what the fuck does he want this time?"
"I don’t know. I mean I do know, but Shane-"
"Shane?"
I turn and see Hunter standing in the doorway. "Vince wants to see you, chop-chop."
"I’d like to chop-chop you," I say under my breath.
"You can go now Hunter." Shane says firmly.
Hunter backs away and leaves us alone.
"Shane-"
"Honey can’t it wait? You know how his majesty hates to be kept waiting."
"But Shane-"
A quick kiss before he leaves. I stand in the middle of the dressing room when I feel an arm go around my neck, catching me in a chokehold.
"Thought you were going to tip him off didn’t you?"
Damn he’s sneaky!
"You’re not fucking this up for me Hardy. I’m running WCW, not him." Hunter breathes in my ear.
I try to pull his arm off me, gasping for breath.
"Now pull another stunt like that and what I did to you in that shower stall will be nothing compared to what I’ll do to you the next time we’re alone."
He lets go of my neck and shoves me hard enough to hit the floor.
Oh, I am so going to enjoy what we’re going to do you tonight you son of a bitch.
Adam won his title and thanks to interference from Rhyno, I didn’t get the IC belt, but that was insignificant compared to what was about to happen. Adam and I were dressed in our street clothes and watched via the monitors the crew set up the ring for the party while the viewers at home were getting a package of Hunter’s career and some comments from his co-workers, the ones who could stand him that is. Vince asked Adam and I to say a few words, but we declined.
I swear I have never been as nervous and scared as I was at this moment. Adam stood beside me but it was hard to read his emotions as he had his sunglasses on, but given the way he was playing with his bottom lip, I could tell he was getting anxious as well.
"Hey."
We both turned and saw Dwayne come towards us. He wrapped his arms around Adam. "You two ready?"
"Oh yeah." Adam said.
I nodded in agreement as I saw Shane approach me, looking pissed as hell. "That son of a bitch." He hissed.
"What?" I asked.
"You know what Vince told me? That he’s giving WCW to Hunter. That son of a-"
"I know."
He looks at me. "What do you mean ‘you know’?"
"Hunter told me."
"When?"
"The day in the hotel when he came by and you stopped by."
"You knew all this time and you didn’t tell me?"
"I thought he was lying."
"Well he’s not lying now is he? Damnit Matt why didn’t you tell me?"
I tried to speak but Adam cut in. "Listen, right now all that matters is we go out there and bust the motherfucker and if we can’t do this together then we can’t do it at all."
"He’s right." Dwayne concurred.
"Okay fine." Shane said. "But when we get back to the hotel, we’re having a talk about this." he tells me.
"Everyone ready?" Mick asked as he now approached us. Vince had asked him to do a "This Is Your Life" skit similar to the one he’d done with Dwayne when they were the "Rock and Sock Connection". Mick agreed, knowing that would be the perfect way for us to get out there. He had a book in his hand that looked like an old scrapbook, which we knew contained not only copies of sworn statements from me and Adam as to what Hunter had done to us but an old photo of us before we went to Greenwich, the same photo Mick planned to hand to Vince as proof of our relationship to Hunter.
"Yeah." Adam and I say together.
"Good. Now when I go out there, that’s when the three of us go out together. He’s not suspecting a thing so when we go out there, he won’t know what’s happening."
"I’m just worried about Stephanie." I look at Shane. "Does she know?"
"Not everything, just that tonight she gets her freedom from him."
"If it’s a bust?" Adam asks.
Shane holds up a folder. "Steph’s last medical checkup. There’s enough arsenic in her system to warrant concern and to make a charge of attempted murder against the baby stick."
We stood as we watched the ‘tribute’ begin and impulsively I reached for Adam’s hand and squeeze it. He squeezes it back and looks at me with a small smile on his face.
Showtime.
Mick, Adam and I were waiting at the ‘gorilla’ entrance for them to play Mick’s music. Some of the guys looked at us oddly and some asked outright as to what our part in this was. We told them to wait and see. We also agreed to let Mick do the talking, since with his reputation people would believe his view of things and besides, Adam and I were too worked up to talk clearly. He wore an earpiece so that he could keep track of things as far as the production truck was concerned. Apparently Mick and Woody had worked out a code so Woody would know just when to play grandfather’s tape.
"Well," he said, "this is it."
I nodded, still scared as to what grandfather’s tape had in store for us and my head still hurting like a son of a bitch.
The sound of a car crash followed by the familiar sound of Mick’s entrance music started, our cue to head out with Mick. The crowd was immense and popped huge when they saw Mick come through the curtain along with Adam and myself. We played it cool, grasping hands and waving to the fans but when I looked in the ring, I could see confused looks on everyone’s faces except for Shane, who had come out with Vince and flashed me a secret smile. While I was reassured by his presence, the butterflies still fluttered in my stomach, even more so when we entered the ring. Adam climbed to one corner to flash his famous grin and I went to another and did the hand gesture Jeff and I made so popular.
"What the hell is going on Mick?" I heard Hunter ask as we climbed off the turnbuckles. We caught each other’s eyes and Hunter flashed me a hateful look that some people would pass off as being angry over us gate crashing his party, but in my experience with him, I really knew what that look meant. "What the fuck are they doing out here?"
"Don’t worry about it," Mick told him, taking the mike from Vince. "I’ll explain everything in a few minutes."
Here we go.
"You know tonight’s a big night in more ways than one for you Hunter, my friend." Mick began. "I mean here we are in Dallas, Texas," – huge pop – "surrounded by the great people from all over the world as well as those watching on pay-per-view. All here tonight to pay tribute to a great career."
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Stephanie standing by Linda and Shane and prayed nothing happened to her or the baby as a result of what we’re about to do. I also passed a glance over at Hunter and saw the cockiness on his face, tempered with the confusion about our presence.
"And here you are surrounded by the McMahons. Vince, Linda, Shane and of course your lovely wife Stephanie. A nice warm loving family, which makes me wonder where yours is Hunter? Of course your father’s laid out with his cancer and your mother’s long passed, but don’t worry Hunter because you do have family here tonight. The thousands of fans here and the millions at home…and these fine two young men right here in the ring."
In the corner where we stood we saw everyone in the ring look in our direction; Vince, Linda and Stephanie in confusion, Hunter in anger, directed at me, and Shane in reassurance. Adam stared back defiantly while I’m sure I looked a little less so.
"See Hunter, so much has been written about your marriage to Stephanie. Hell, you two are like wrestling’s version of Charles and Diana though hopefully with a happier ending. But not a lot has been written about your first wife, Joanie also known as Chyna. You remember Chyna don’t you Hunter?" Mick moved closer to Hunter until they were eye to eye. "You should. Because you murdered her in front of millions of people and got away with it until now."
The crowd was so quiet and still I had to look around to make sure they were still there.
Hunter asked for and got a mike of his own. "I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about Mick, but if this is some sort of rib, then it isn’t least bit funny."
"You see Hunter, I knew there was something fishy about the way she was killed in that fall, so we –Matt, Adam and I – did a little digging and what do you think we found?" Mick pointed up to the screen where the footage of our mother’s fall played. "Now," Mick moved away from Hunter. "I know to the untrained eye it looks like an accident but roll the footage again Woody, this time in slow motion."
He did and this time you can see where he pushed her.
"Pause it right there." Mick ordered. "Now it looks like you were reaching out to grab her but instead you went and shoved her to her death!"
Hunter went absolutely white. "That was an accident!" he protested.
But Mick plowed right on. "But it wasn’t bad enough you killed a young woman with her career and life ahead of her but then what you did to your children…what? Oh that’s right, you and Joanie never talked about the four children you had. Wanted them to keep their privacy. Well that’s pretty damn admirable Hunter. But the shit you pulled on them wasn’t admirable. In fact it was downright sick!" Mick shouted. "You hustled those four children out of Cameron, away from their friends and their other grandparents, the Laurers, and took them to Greenwich and sicced your sick joke of a father on them, only after locking them in an attic for almost five years. Almost five years! Five years of their childhood gone Hunter and for what? For what? I’ll tell you for what? For the millions you stood to inherit after your mother passed away. You couldn’t bear for her to know about the children. You wanted to forget your first marriage ever happened. You wanted to forget your children happened. So with Pat’s help, you locked those children away and allowed Pat to torture them in any way he deemed fit and if that wasn’t enough, you turned a blind eye to when Pat’s butler would rape your youngest son, Jeff. You remember Jeff don’t you Hunter? Kind of small, liked to color his hair, tagged with Matt. The same Jeff you rejected, the same Jeff whose heart you ripped out when he wanted some acknowledgement from you, wanted you to be proud of him, the same Jeff who killed himself a little over a year ago from an overdose after you pretty much denied his existence. That Jeff. The one with as bright a future ahead of him as his mother’s until you destroyed him!"
"That’s a fucking lie!" Hunter shouted. "Joanie and I had only one child and he died when he was eleven and as far as Jeff went, the little punk tried to hit on me. It’s not my fault his little heart got broken because I wouldn’t let him blow me."
Adam held me back before I could charge at Hunter. "Wait Matt, don’t. Not yet."
I settled back in the corner, flashing a glance toward the entranceway thinking Raven would storm out here after what Hunter had said about Jeff. I found out later that Steven Richards had to restrain him from coming out here.
Mick was now pacing trying to keep his composure. "And then after everything I wonder how sick could you get. How low would you go to keep the vast Helmsley fortune, and then I found out. Poisoning your own children. You’re right Hunter, you did have one child but what the people, including your in laws, don’t know is Christian was Jeff’s twin. He was a small quiet thing but who knows where he could’ve gone in life if you hadn’t taken it from him! You claimed that day you were going to take him to the hospital but he never made it to the hospital did he Hunter? No, you took that little boy, who’d seen enough horror in his life to last him a goddamned eternity and when he died in your arms, you took him not to a hospital but to a crematorium. Why? So no one would know you had a child from your first marriage. Because if anyone did, you’d lose everything wouldn’t you? Your dear mother made sure that to spite you, you would never have a dime of her money if it got out about the children you had with Chyna."
"You son of a bitch," Hunter hissed. "How the hell dare you and these two punks come out here and ruin my night!"
I looked at the McMahons. Vince, Linda and Stephanie were shocked speechless. Shane just glowered, ready to attack if Hunter even made so much as a move toward either his sister or me.
"And how dare you treat those children the way you did!" Mick shouted back. "Then there was the ultimate betrayal. The sickest cruelest thing any man could do to his child! You took a fourteen-year-old boy into one of those rooms in the same house you lived in with your young bride Stephanie and raped him! You raped your own son with some help from your father and his butler- the same butler who was raping your son Jeff!" Mick walked up to Hunter again. "How fucking sick are you?"
Hunter’s face was livid. "The little bitch deserved it." He growled.
I looked at Stephanie and saw she had her hands over her mouth in shock, seeing her husband finally show his sick colors. Then I looked at Adam, who was amazingly still composed.
"Do you want to know why I did it?" Hunter glared at Mick. "Because the sick little fuck was fucking his own younger brother. I had to teach him a lesson. Hell if you want to know the whole truth about it, I didn’t want the damn kids to begin with! That slut trapped me into marrying her by getting knocked up. The only reason I married her is because my father forced me to after he found out."
I don’t know how the hell Mick kept from strangling him but he continued. "Well luckily for those children, three of them escaped that hell and found themselves loving caring parents who stood by them through everything. The nightmares, the night terrors. Helped them put their pasts behind them or thought they had until that sick warped mind of yours decided to inflict some more damage. Only this time you had no idea who your victim really was. Oh no, all you cared about was getting this young victim of yours in bed with you and when he wasn’t going to go willingly you forced him into a shower stall and raped him!"
Hunter’s head snapped in my direction as the murmuring of the crowd began to become audible and if looks could kill, then this would be the last line you would read from me. "You little bitch," he mouthed at me.
"How interesting," Mick noted. "How interesting you snap your head in Matt’s direction. Let me ask you something Hunter, isn’t there something the least bit familiar about him and Adam? Isn’t there some sort of resemblance thing happening here? Take your time, try to remember."
Hunter looked at Mick before looking at Adam and me, his eyes flicking back from me to Adam and back again. His face went from anger to confusion.
"Isn’t there something a little familiar about them Hunter? Maybe an eye color or a hair color or a certain way they carry themselves? Reminds you of someone doesn’t it? Someone you were married to a long time ago or even yourself now?"
Now Hunter went from livid to pale. He shook his head. "No," he mouthed. "You’re supposed to be dead."
"Maybe this might help," Mick took the photo out of the book he’d planned to use that night and held it out for Hunter to look at which he did, shaking like a leaf. "Remember them now?"
Hunter looked at the photo then at us. "You’re supposed to be dead." He said, not remembering his mike was on. "He promised me you were taken care of. You were gone."
Vince stepped forward and snatched the photo out of Hunter’s hand as a copy flashed on the screen.
"See this photo was of these two young men and their brothers around when they were sent to that hellhole in Connecticut and you see there?" he points at the screen. "You see who their parents are? What a lot of people don’t know is their real names aren’t Matt Hardy and Adam Copeland. No! No! They took those names to distance themselves from the sick fuck you see in the ring before you tonight. Their real last name is Helmsley." He walked back to Hunter. "Your sons. And they’ve been waiting fifteen years to nail your pathetic ass."
"Hello Paul."
Our grandfather’s voice fills the arena as his image filled the screen. Hunter whips around and the look on his face was priceless, though by now I was having trouble focusing my vision and my headache was getting worse.
"I’m sure if this is being played, then the secret’s out about who Matthew and Adam are to you but there’s something else you should know. Matthew is my son. Your half brother. Remember the weekend you and Joanie brought Adam to the house when he was a year and a half old? Well, Joanie and I had a long talk about you and your mother. A talk that ended in Matthew being born. Now I’m not a saint. I take full and complete blame and responsibility for my part in their troubled lives but you Paul…" He shakes his head. "My sins pale compared to yours. My God did Lillian warp you that badly? Did she teach you that murder and rape were the only ways to get what you wanted? How Stephanie stayed married to you and lived this long to tell the tale is beyond me. Just to let you know, I’ve forwarded Adam, Christian and Jeffrey’s birth certificates to your mother’s attorney as proof of their existence. So from this moment on, you are now cut off without a dime and nothing could make me happier, other than you rotting in hell for what you’ve done. Have a nice life Paul. I hear the prison’s making a nice cell available for you. Oh, and by the way, in case you’re wondering who inherits everything now that you’re cut off, it’s Matthew. My real son. Though I don’t blame him for wanting nothing more to do with me after all I’d done to him."
The arena was absolute silence as I watched Hunter look around him trying to find a sympathetic face and not getting a one in return. He then fixed his gaze on me and with hellfire burning in his eyes. "You fucking bitch!" he screamed as he lounged for my throat and sent the both of us flying out of the ring onto the floor where he’d held me down choking me until Adam and Shane pulled him off and began pummeling the hell out of him to the dizzying screams of the crowd. Linda quickly escorted Stephanie out of the ring as Vince and Mick pulled Shane and Adam off Hunter before the police arrived to get Hunter. As he was being handcuffed, we could hear him screaming, "You’re supposed to be dead damnit! All of you were supposed to be dead!"
Shane helped me up and the three of us watched as Hunter was dragged up the ramp. "We got him," Adam said before hugging me
I winced in pain as the throbbing in my head increased in intensity and lost my voice for a minute.
"You okay?" Shane asked me.
"Yeah," I breathed, finding it again. "Let’s get out of here."
Mick’s entrance music played as we left the ringside area and headed back to the back, the crowd going nuts.
We entered the back where a happy Adam ran into Dwayne’s arms. "You did it baby. You nailed his ass." I heard Dwayne say to Adam.
Many of the guys came up to us, throwing questions and compliments our way, there were so many coming at us, I was beginning to feel disoriented. Raven made his way through the crowds and hugged Shane and me. "Damn that was priceless. Shame Jeff couldn’t be here to see this."
"I think he was. He and Chris both." Adam said
"How’s Stephanie?" I asked, wincing through the pain in my head.
"She’ll be okay." Shane assured me. "Sure you’re all right? You look pale."
"I’m okay…" but I wasn’t. The pain in my head had increased ten fold since we came into the back and now there were shooting pains through my left side and I knew at that second something was wrong. Horribly wrong. No! My mind screamed. Not now! Not after we won! Not after all we’d gone through to nail this bastard!
"Matt? Matt!"
Adam’s cries were the last thing I heard before the floor tilted up and met me.
Epilogue
We comin in this game like some survivors and we leavin this game like some survivors So from now, until we dead and gone we gon' BE, some survivors, y'heard me?
-Da Brat "Survivor" by Destiny’s Child (Remix)
Eight months later – Thanksgiving.
I’m sitting on the back porch in the house in Cameron as everyone is inside getting things ready for dinner. It was unusually warm today and my many younger cousins were taking advantage of the weather as they ran around the backyard swinging on the swings, jumping on the trampoline and playing in the leaves Adam and I had raked that morning. In the crook of my left arm was another person taking advantage of the warm weather; my nephew – Adam’s half brother - Christian Jeffery…McMahon. As part of the divorce, Stephanie forced Hunter to give up all parental rights to Christian, or CJ as we were calling him. Luckily for the both of them, the arsenic didn’t do much damage to either of them though with Chris, it was too early to tell.
The past eight months have been so damned hectic I don’t know where to begin. I guess the best place would be to tell what happened after WrestleMania. I was rushed to the hospital after suffering a mild stroke, which to tell you the truth didn’t feel all that mild while I was having it, but according to the doctor due to my age and good conditioning, I was expected to make a full recovery after some physical therapy to my left side.
In what I think was the shortest trial on record, Hunter was not only found guilty of what he’d done to Mom, but to us and Stephanie, who filed for divorce right after WrestleMania and got at least two life sentences for his troubles.
Grandfather died in his sleep after the show according to Robert who called and told Adam while I was in the hospital. Robert had said he’d never seen the old man happier than that night. The will and everything went through probate, in case Hunter wanted to appeal the will, which he couldn’t and now I was about a hundred million dollars richer and the heir to a newspaper publishing empire which was so complicated, I was afraid I’d have another stroke while the attorney explained it to me. I’d made the decision to let things run the way they have, my love of wrestling stronger than publishing, though the thought of starting my own wrestling magazine sounded tempting.
Adam and Dwayne finally tied the knot after three delays. The first was waiting for me to recover, the second was Dwayne wanting his grandmother to fly out from Hawaii and the third was because of the weather. On the day they were supposed to get married, there was a hurricane and I don’t mean Helms. I remember them laughing over it and saying they hoped this wasn’t an omen as to how things were going to be from now on. But when it was finally held, the ceremony was a lavish affair held in the backyard of Mick and Collette's home, the ocean making a wonderful backdrop.
I hear the screen door open.
"He behaving himself?" Stephanie asked as she looked down at her son.
"Been good as gold." I tell her. Over the past few months she and I had gotten to know each other as family and if the wags are true, CJ might have a new daddy soon courtesy of another CJ - Chris Jericho. He and Stephanie had been seeing each other behind Hunter’s back for a year now. He stuck by her through everything, including the trial and the worries of her pregnancy and had proposed to her shortly after CJ was born. Standing there now I swear I have never seen her look healthier and more radiant other than after CJ was born. If you’re wondering, yes CJ is Hunter’s son. Poor kid.
"How are you feeling?" she looks at me.
"Okay." I was really. After my stroke, we somehow managed to get my blood pressure down to something manageable and in another few months after I complete my physical therapy, I should be getting back in the ring something I was looking very much forward to. Adam referred me to his therapist and with her help, I was learning not to keep things bottled up inside, but there were times when I relapsed but they were far and few in between, because after I woke up in the hospital, Shane swore he was going to dump me if I kept anything from him ever again.
Shane and me you’re wondering? We’re still together though we don’t have much time together due to his getting WCW up and running, though I don’t mind since I was going over with him once things were settled. He was still trying to work things out with Vince but things were still tense between them. Oh and by the way, we’re getting married after the holidays. He proposed to me while I was in the hospital, sneaking the ring in my dinner tray. After all he’d done for me, how could I say no?
"Matthew?" Grandma Laurer shouted from the kitchen.
"What?" I looked at Stephanie and smiled, knowing exactly what she was going to ask.
"Where do you keep the utensils in this place?"
"The same place I always leave them when you come over." I rolled my eyes. It never failed, every time grandma and grandpa Laurer came over, she could never find the utensils, though we always kept them in the same drawer as Mom had. When I was well enough to leave the hospital all of us – Adam, me, Raven, grandma, grandpa and Aunt Jenny went to Mom’s grave, now flanked with both Jeff and Christian’s headstones –Chris’s bearing Mom’s maiden name - and told them what we’d done for them and afterwards, I can’t explain, I felt pretty peaceful for the first time in a long time.
"Here," Stephanie said, taking CJ. "Your arm’s probably tired."
"It’s fine."
"I know, but everyone’s been wanting to see him."
"Okay." I say goodbye to my nephew.
When Stephanie went inside, I sighed and leaned back in the porch swing, closed my eyes and enjoyed the autumn sun on my face and the happy sounds of my cousins playing in the backyard.
"Matt?"
I opened one eye to see Adam standing there looking down at me. "Hey."
"Christ I didn’t think we’d fit this many people in the house." He sat on the back porch swing next to me. Inside we had the McMahons, the Laurers, the Johnsons, not to mention Raven and Mick and Collette who were finally expecting a bundle of their own, having found out a week after WrestleMania.
"I know. We’re definitely heading to yours and Dwayne’s for Christmas."
Adam signed over his share of the house to Shane and me and was now living in Florida with Dwayne.
"Shane here yet?"
"He’s in talking to Linda. He just got here." He tells me as he watches the myriad of cousins running around. "So have you decided what you’re going to do with the house?"
He means the one in Greenwich. "I don’t think I want to live there. I might go back and get some of our things from the attic, but that’s it. I’m thinking of selling it. It’s become too much of a media sensation."
"I know. I was on Ebay last night and did you know an uncut VHS version of WrestleMania’s going for a thousand dollars?"
"I always knew we would be big moneymakers someday."
As you can imagine, what happened caused a feeding frenzy with the press. When asked about our ‘partnership’, Shane, true to his word, passed it all off as a publicity ploy and though we still got offers to give our side of the story, we kept mum not wanting to think about our past anymore. Which brings to mind…
"You busy tonight?" I ask.
"I’m married Matt."
I laugh. "I know and that’s not what I meant."
"Okay I’m game. What’re you planning?"
"I’m burning the journals."
"You’re shitting?" he gapes at me.
"No. I don’t want them getting in the wrong hands and I want to put that part of my life behind me. For good."
"You sure?"
"I’m sure."
"What time?"
"When everyone’s asleep?"
He nods and we just sit there watching the cousins play, but for a moment I don’t see them. I only see the four of us as children playing back here with Mom and yes with Hunter, in one of his better days, and know that those days were gone for good.
Adam and I walked out of the house at around one in the morning. Everyone had cleared out around eight but Dwayne and Shane didn’t go to bed until around eleven.
As quietly as we could, we fixed the oil drum we used to burn leaves and put the journals on top of a pile we were planning to burn. For a second, I was ready to say no, I don’t want to burn them, but I tossed them on top and squirted a little lighter fluid on top of them.
Adam dug out the matches he brought with him. "Sure you want to do this?"
I nod, watching him light the first one and then the whole book before tossing them into the oil drum where the scent of burning leaves and leather filled the air. As we watched them burn, Adam rested his head on my shoulder and we both thought of those we loved, lost and found over the years and hoped wherever Mom, Christian and Jeff were, they were happy and found some peace as we had.
A snap of a twig startled us, as did the appearance of Dwayne and Shane coming toward us. They didn’t ask what we were doing as they embraced us but I think they knew and I think they understood. Leaning back against Shane’s embrace, the four of us watched as our past burned and disappeared into the shadows, where they belonged…
Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared
Father of mine
Take me back to the day
Yeah when I was still your golden boy
Back before you went away
I remember the blue skies
Walking the block
I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk
You would take me to the movie
You would take me to the beach
Take me to a place inside that is so hard to reach
Father of mine
Tell me where did you go
Yeah you had the world inside your hand
But you did not seem to know
Father of mine
Tell me what do you see
When you look back at your wasted life
And you don't see me
I was ten years old
Doing all that I could
Wasn't easy for me to be a scared white boy in a black neighborhood
Sometimes you would send me a birthday card with a five-dollar bill
Yeah I never understood you then
And I guess I never will
Daddy gave me a name
My dad he gave me a name
Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My dad he gave me a name
Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
Yeah I just closed my eyes
And the world disappeared
Father of mine
Tell me how do you sleep
With the children you abandoned
And the wife I saw you beat
I will never be safe
I will never be sane
I will always be weird inside
I will always be lame
Now I am a grown man
With a child of my own
And I swear I'm not going to let her know
All the pain I have known
Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My dad he gave me a name
Then he walked away…