99 was sitting on the couch watching the television in disgust. She hated all the new rock groups, but more than anything else in the entire world, were tattoos! She could see beyond a shadow of doubt that tattoos were the most absurd thing one could do to one's body (with, of course, the exception of body piercing, she could understand ears even belly buttons but the line is drawn there!). Max took the stairs two at a time he was in his new suit. Max and 99 had had an argument about Max needing a new suit, 99 won, she always wins the arguments
"Whatcha watchin'?" He came over and kissed her cheek. 99 shut the television off.
"These guys on TV with tattoos." She sighed.
Max smiled and instantly went to her side, "You like guys with tattoos huh?" First wrong thing to say, here comes the second, "I was thinking of getting one, you know."
Her face twisted with a mixture of horror and disgust, which wasn't extremely noticeable, "Don't you dare, Max!"
"99, I thought…" Max started giving her a hurt little expression.
"No, Max," she continued, "They are horrible, horrible, horrible! They're permanent, indelible, grotesque, and disgusting. I absolutely forbid you to get a tattoo. I swear on my Mothers grave…"
"But your Mothers not dead, 99!"
She ignored his comment completely, "I will never, ever speak to you again. Am I making myself clear?"
He nodded with an extremely hurt expression on his face and uttered softly, "Yes, 99." 99 gave yet another exasperated sigh and pushed past him.
Max really didn't like the way 99 forbid him like that. He figured just once in his married life that he wanted to defy his wife. He realized however that the only reason that he said that he wanted a tattoo was because he thought 99 liked.
"Hmm…" He thought out loud until it dawned on him, "Temporary Tattoo! I'll fake her out! That'll show her!" This whole story would've ended here if 99 had stopped and listened at the top of the stairs to listen to what he was saying. Fortunately in most cases but unfortunately in this case her conscience got the better of her, so she didn't eavesdrop.
Max rushed out and bought a temporary tattoo at the store not too far from their house. It was a long dragon that would look perfect on his arm. He hid it in his jacket so 99 wouldn't find him out.
The next morning when Max got out of the shower he put the tattoo on his arm and snickered to himself as he put on his bathrobe over his undershirt. Max took the steps two at a time.
"Good morning, Love!" 99 told him over her coffee flashing him a big smile. He saw nearly her whole mouth of beautiful dazzling white teeth, he smiled then looked at her neatly combed and perfectly styled hair, which she took such pride in. He loved her with all his heart and soul, he almost hated to do this to her. What he should've considered before he played his little joke was her threat, but he hadn't taken her seriously in the slightest.
Also, what he didn't know was that 99 was about to apologize for her little outburst. She knew she shouldn't have yelled at him, she just hadn't been in a good mood at all. Max had taken a bath and left the water in the tub and 99 dropped her curling iron into the water, short-circuited the whole upper floor, she had managed to fix it by way of the circuit breaker, before Max came home.
99 turned back to her breakfast, Max smiled again but stifled it, he lay his robe down on a dining room chair. "Notice anything different about me, 99?"
She turned again, and for one fleeting moment Max saw the last glimpse of a smile he'd see in days.
She stared at his arm in disbelief and horror, he smiled, "You like?"
"You…" she started, smoldering with anger and hurt that he didn't respect her well enough not listen to her. "You… Moron!" she burst.
"Uh-oh!" Max said softly not realizing she'd blow such a major gasket.
"You deliberately went behind my back, when I specifically told you not to. I can't believe you'd do this to me. You can't respect my opinion as far as you can throw it, and I…"
"99? I can explain, really I can!"
"No. No, Max. This is the last time…"
"This is the first time."
"Maxwell Smart, Don't even try to talk to me, I'm leaving."
"Where are you going?"
"Home to, Mother!" She rushed toward the door, "Good-bye Max!"
Max watched her leave and he was paralyzed, he wanted to call after her, wanted to run and grab her and apologize, but his body wouldn't let him. He stood there for minutes with tears in his eyes his bottom lip quivering. Finally he started gushing with tears he sank to his knees and hit the floor with his fists. "It's fake! Fake! 99 come back!"
He ran upstairs and into their bedroom and dove onto the bed he snatched 99's pillow and held it, and cried into it.
@*****@
Meanwhile, 99 was driving down the road in the opposite direction of the city wiping tears from her face. She turned down several side streets. She pulled up the long driveway of her mother's farm.
Her mother saw her coming from about a mile up the road, 99 was really hard to miss, she had to have been going 80 mph down a 30 mph road. Her mother was outside waiting for her with her hands on her hips and a puzzled look on her face.
She slammed on her brakes, and skidded into the driveway. She opened and slammed the door, and rushed to her mother. She was burying her face in her shoulder and crying.
Her mother led her into the house, they sat down on the couch, and 99's mother made them some tea. After an extremely long silence and three cups of tea, her mother figured she'd be ready to talk, "It's Max isn't it?"
She sniffled and nodded.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" 99 shook her head excessively. "Okay, Baby. Why don't you go up to your room, you left some clothes here last time." She uttered a nearly unrecognizable 'Thank-you' as she went up the stairs weeping into Max's handkerchief she had in her bathrobe (by the way she was still dressed in her bedclothes, despite the neatly combed and styled hair).
She was in her room and going through the closet, she pulled out a suit Max left last time just in case they had to go somewhere for a real long time, and didn't have time to pack. (sort of) Fortunately for them 99's mother knew about their spy-work.
She took the jacket off the hanger, dropped the bathrobe and wrapped the jacket around her, covering the top half of her blue silk nightie. She sighed deeply, and her red tearstained cheeks had no rest as 99 started to weep again.
@*****@
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Max was busy trying his hardest to stop crying. It's very he thought inane for men to cry, to say nothing for secret agents.
He pounded the bed with his fists and finally managed to stop crying. "Hands up!" a loud accent ridden voice shouted sharply from the doorway. "Schmart! What are you doing?"
"I'm laying on my bed, what's it to you?" Max snapped, knowing full well that he was talking to Siegfried the Malevolent.
"Where's your wife?" He said poking his gun around, in the dark (the light was off) looking for 99.
"Why is that any business of yours?" He was thankful for the dark, because Siegfried couldn't tell that Max's eyes were puffy and red. "If you must know, my wife is out, god only when she'll come back… If she comes back." His voice caught a snag, and Siegfried realized (as well as could be expected) what was going on.
Hmm, he thought to himself this is to perfect, "She finally wised up, and walked, huh?" Max just picked up and cried (it sounded kind of like Lucy when she picked up and cried, you know?). Siegfried, patted his back "There, there Schmart… What am I doing?"
"Schmart," Siegfried said slyly, "I have a proposition for you, that will benefit the both of us, we will make it so you will get Mrs. Schmart. We will hold the two of you controls top agents for ransom. Do not fret neither of you will come to any harm. Don't ask any questions, the fastest way to end a miracle is to question it!"
"Why should I believe you?"
"Zis is KAOS we don't ask questions here, Schmart, you are trying my patience! Yes or no, the simplest question you will ever have to answer, you schtupid fool!"
"Ok, Siegfried, as long as you can get me, 99!" They shook hands.
@******@
"Darling?" 99's mother called to find her, "You have a phone call, will you take it?"
"Well yes I'll take it." 99 came down the stairs, "Which line? Downstairs extension? Or Upstairs?"
"Downstairs."
"Thank-you." She picked up the telephone in the hall, where her mother had left it off the hook for her, "Hello?"
"99? Let me talk to you please!" Max's voice came over the phone receiver. 99 gave the phone an annoyed look, and hung it up as soon as she knew it was Max. She was so upset she thought she might break into tears again, she held in the tears, but ran up to her room, anyway.
99's mother sighed again. "Don't you want to talk about it? Please, I can't stand to see you like this and not being able to help!"
"I am sorry, Mum, but I really don't feel like talking! Maybe later, Mum." She laid herself on the bed and pulled the pillow Max uses to her and buried her face in the pillow.
@*********@
"She hung up on me!" Max whined.
"Then try again, do I have to tell you everything?" Siegfried demanded. "Call her, again!"
"She's just gonna hang up on me again, let her rest just a tiny bit, I'll call in an hour or two."
"Schmart! You are really trying my patience!"
"Hey, hey! When 99 needs to wait, she needs to wait. Believe me that unless she wants to, she doesn't. She cannot be rushed." Max insisted crossing his arms, and giving me Siegfried a determined look. Siegfried rolled his eyes.
"Fine, we wait." He yelled, then under his breath he muttered, "Dumkuff!"
"Next time I'll call her brush phone, or maybe her compact phone, or something, nope wait she didn't take either. She was still in her nightie when she left. It was a beautiful nightgown really, it was baby blue, and I got it for her last year." He sighed and Siegfried rolled his eyes.
@********@
"Hello?" 99 sweet smooth voice orchestrated over the phone.
"99! I need to apologize about the tattoo…" Max pleaded over the phone. 99, however simultaneously with 'tattoo' hung up the phone with abrupt subtleties. At the moment of the call 99 hadn't realized that 'I need to apologize' were a set of words very rarely used by Max. He only used them when he absolutely meant it.
Her mother came 'round the corner, "Darling, I do wish you'd tell me what happened. Please?"
"Alright, mother." They sat next to eachother on the couch in the living room, "Well, I was watching television and saw the guys with tattoos. I hate those things and then Max said he was thinking of getting one. I forbade him to get a tattoo and went out and got one anyway!"
"And…?" Her mother said waiting for her to keep going.
"He went behind my back when I specifically told him not too… He doesn't listen to me… He defied me… Well don't just sit there like a statue… say something, anything!" 99 paused, she did nothing.
"Darling?" She said finally after a long silence, 99 smiled, and replied:
"Yes, Mother?"
"You know I supported you when you wanted to leave the farm to come to Washington, right?" 99 nodded, "and when you wanted to become a spy?" She nodded again, "Well, I'm sorry darling but that's a really stupid reason to leave!"
99 looked at her stupefied and speechless for a little while. "Mom?"
"Oh go back to him!" She pushed her toward the door.
"Yeah…" 99 turned on her heel and toward the door, "Thanks for everything, Mom, I'll call you!" She grabbed her coat from the coat hook in the hall. She dashed out to the driveway, her mother followed and watched from the porch. She opened the door to the car and smacked her forehead.
"Oh!" 99 groaned, "Well, I've got it."
"Got what?" Her mother asked getting worried about the blow to the head.
"A head-ache, you wouldn't believe!" 99 put her hand to her forehead and took a minute to regain herself. She closed the door, backed out of the driveway, and went speeding down the road.
She skidded into the driveway. She got out of the car and slipped in the driveway, but wiped her front off and ran to the front door. She took out her key and attempted to put it into the lock but it scratched around on the knob for a while.
She opened the door and gasped, she dropped her keys, and sighed as Siegfried held a gun on her. She looked around but didn't see Max, "Where's my husband?"
"Patience, 99, patience!" Siegfried ordered, 99 held her arms half-heartedly held her hands up giving him the evil eye. An expression guaranteed to make any man crumble. Siegfried dropped his gun, "I hate you."
99 picked up his gun and poked it at Siegfried "Get out of my house!" She ordered and he sighed and closed the door behind him.
Max poked his head out of the corner and looked around then to 99, "You love emasculating me don't you?"
"Max!" 99 called dropping the gun and rushing over and giving him a huge hug, and then gave him a long fervent kiss.
"Does this mean you forgive me?" He asked breathlessly. She smiled, and gave him another kiss. "That's what it means. I love it when you apologize!"
"I like it when you apologize, too." He moved closer to kiss her, "I meant a verbal apology!"
"Well, 99, you know you didn't let me get a word in edgewise. You've got to admit, you are a bit domineering… no I'm serious you should watch a tape of yourself, or something, you should a shrink or something…"
"Get on with your apology." 99 told him crossing her arms.
"Right… uh… Oh yeah," he pulled up his sleeve to show her the tattoo. "This? This is fake!" He dug at it with his finger nails and scratched off the whole middle of it.
"Oh Max! I was such a bad person to not listen to you, can you ever forgive me?" Max smiled.
"How about another apology?" She smiled slyly and gave him a long kiss. "I can forgive you. I could never stay mad at those lips," he looked her over, "Or that body!"
"Come on, I'm going to watch that repulsive thing off your arm." She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs.
"See this is the thing I'm talking about, way to overbearing. Save your mothering for the twins…"