"Um… George Harrison?" She smiled putting down her plate.
"No, try again."
"How about, Sean Connery?" She asked smiling.
"No, but you are getting close." He told her, then asked, "Do you give up?"
"No, don't I get one more guess? I only had two." She insisted.
"Ok, just one though."
"Um, hold on don't rush me…" she paused. "How about… Maxwell Smart?"
He snapped his finger, taking his hands off her face, "You guessed. Whatcha doing?"
"I'm doing the dishes." She put down another plate after drying it with her dishtowel.
"I brought you a present," He handed her a little blue velvet box, that he took out of his pocket after 99 put down the dishtowel. She opened the box, and her eyes brightened. "Let me put it on you turn around." Max clasped the beautiful diamond necklace around her neck.
"Oh, Max it's beautiful," she sighed, looking down at the beautiful gift. "Ok, now break the news to me gently."
"What are you talking about 99?" He faked a hurt expression. "Can't a man bring his gorgeous wife home a present just to remind her that he loves her."
"Well sure, but you don't, so just get it over with quickly. Should I bite down on something?" She teased.
"Oh fine, you caught me. My mother's coming to Thanksgiving." He relented.
"Oh, Max. This is such short notice. And besides we don't get along." She complained.
"What do you mean? My mother loves you. Just last time I saw her she told me I picked a wonderful bride." 99 shook her head.
"No she most certainly did not," 99 argued, "I was listening at the door, she said you picked a whore for a bride."
"Yes, well… I'm sure she meant it in the best possible way." She gave him a look. "Ah, please, 99. She is my mother."
"Haven't you ever wondered why she didn't come to our wedding? Or that she hasn't once visited you, since you married me?"
He gave her the puppy dog face, "Please. Please."
He started to tickle her and she tried to wiggle away, "Oh, alright. ALRIGHT!"
@**************@
The doorbell rang and 99 dashed down the stairs. She swung the door open, "Mother!"
"Darling!" She greeted her mother with a big hug and received a kiss on the cheek.
"Oh, mother, I'm so glad to see you! How was your flight?" She inquired leading her into the living room.
"Oh, it was bumpy and awful. The living room looks nice, you redecorated since last I was here!" She set her bag down on the floor in front of couch.
"Yes, I did it myself, you really like it?" She asked still smiling.
"I love it," she commented again looking around, "Did you re-do the upstairs, too?"
"Yes, would you like to see it?" 99 asked leading her mother upstairs, her mother picked up her bag and brought it with her upstairs.
99's mother wanted to buy a few things so Max took her out, Max's mother wasn't due to arrive for another couple of hours, and Max promised 99 he'd be home before his mother got there. She hadn't gone with them because she was thoroughly exhausted and wanted to sleep.
She had just drifted off to sleep, when she heard a noise, she thought nothing of it. She heard a lot more banging, thinking it was just a neighbor or something along that sort, but then she heard the doorbell ring.
Finally she got out of bed and walked to the door. She opened it, and there, in all her wickedness, stood Mrs. Timothy Smart. "Mrs. Smart?!"
She tossed her bag into 99's arms, nearly toppling her over. "Sure took you long enough to answer the door. Don't stand there gawking shut the door."
"Yes, Mrs. Smart," Max's mother wobbled into the room and flopped down on the couch, 99 trying to be a good hostess followed her over, yet she did not sit.
She prodded a finger into 99's side, "Look at you. You're too skinny. Don't you eat? There's no meat on you." She took a cigarette out of a case in her pocket, and lit it.
"Would you mind, not smoking inside?" 99 said backing as far away from the smoke as possible, "I'm…" she sneezed once, then again, then twice more, "Allergic to smoke." 99 just went on sneezing.
Mrs. Smart sat there laughing while 99 was sneezing and coughing. "Look at your arm." She pointed.
"Oh, not good. NOT GOOD!" She itched wildly at the rash breaking out on her arm. She ran up the stairs, and Mrs. Smart sat there laughing hysterically, and rolling on the couch.
A little while later 99 came down with a spreading rash going up her arms. The door opened and Max and 99's mother stood there. Max looked at 99's arm with his mouth hanging open, "99, what happened to your arm?"
"Oh, my," Her mother took a hold of her arm and twisted it in the light, "Your smoke allergy." 99 nodded forlornly. From the background, Mrs. Smart blew out another breath of smoke, followed by another sneezing fit from 99.
@*****************@
99 had never really liked to watch football, she'd play it (in ninth grade… totally different story), but she wouldn't watch it. Her parents were always in the living room cheering for some sport or another, also Max couldn't get enough of men running into eachother (like I said, totally different story). So fortunately him and her mother got along swimmingly.
99 walked into the kitchen to check on how dinner was coming along (Thanksgiving is tomorrow), and she saw Mrs. Smart rooting around in the refrigerator. No matter how much she loathed the woman (and believe me the feeling is mutual), she mustered up a sweet voice. "Can I help?"
"Yes you can," she snapped, "Get some decent food in this refrigerator." She tossed a half-empty salad container at 99. She caught it miraculously (it was at a very bad angle).
"Do you really think it your place to tell me what to put in my own refrigerator?" 99 asked as politely as possible.
"Well, seeing as it's MY son who eats what you put in this fridge, then it is my business," She proclaimed. "Here's what I want you to do, the next time you're at the market pick up some red meat and fish too. He needs protein."
"He gets protein." 99 defended.
"From where? Certainly not from the food you're feeding him." She sneered. "Speaking of which, you could afford a few extra pounds yourself. You look as though you haven't eaten in months,"
"Well at least I don't look like I've been eating CONSTANTLY for months." She snapped and instantly wished she hadn't. Mrs. Smart immediately clutched at her heart.
"I don't believe my ears. Never have I heard such disrespect." She whined, "I'm telling Max."
"No, no." 99 pleaded, "Don't do that. I was just kidding. Ha ha. No, no." 99's ill-fated attempts to stop her mother-in-law were lost in the uneasy air settling in the kitchen.
"Max," His mother called, "That floozy in there called me fat!" [Freeze frame!] Now that last statement provoked two arguments. Max's mother and 99's mother began to argue about 99 being a floozy and Max and 99 began to argue about why 99 couldn't try to be nice to his mother.
[Unfreeze!]"It wasn't MY fault, Max. Open your eyes!"
"My mother is a sweet kind little old lady." 99 nearly fell over laughing, "And just what is so funny?"
"Your mother isn't a sweet little old anything," 99 explained.
"I suggest you take back what you said about my baby girl," 99's mother demanded.
"You mean 'floozy'? In a pigs' eye. I meant that with every ounce of sincerity in my body."
"You wouldn't know sincerity if it bit you in the butt!"
"Max she is a mean bitter old woman."
"Takes one to know one, 99." Max folded his arms across his chest receiving a hurt look from 99. The two mothers hushed up, to watch 99 and Max.
"Well Max, I think it's clear that you've made your decision, if you believe that your mother is more important to you than your wife," she sniffled (with all sincerity) and broke out into tears, "Then I wish I wasn't carrying your child!" And with that she ran up the stairs and slammed the door shut.
The three people left in the living room stared in awed silence not saying anything, or moving either. Until finally Max's mother broke the silence, "So… she's pregnant?!"
"Yeah, it was going to be a surprise for tomorrow." Max said sadly. Another couple of silent minutes passed, "Well, I'll go talk to her."
"Over my dead body." His mother proclaimed.
"Sorry Ma, a guy's got to do, what a guy's got to do." He pushed past her. His mother could only stand there and watch him go up the stairs. He pushed the door open slowly making a whole just big enough for his body, "99?"
"Go away." 99 sniffled into her tissue.
"Please," he begged, "Just hear me out, then if you're still mad at me, you can go back to ignoring me."
99 thought about it for a second, "Ok, I'm listening."
"99, I love you more than life itself. I just wished that you and my Ma could get along is all."
"Ok. You can go now." 99 wiped futilely at her eyes .
"But what about Thanksgiving?" He asked.
"There are two mothers down there, I'm sure between the three of you, you can make thanksgiving dinner."
"No, I mean… We're supposed to give thanks for what we have. Without you…" He paused, "Without you, I have nothing." 99 couldn't help but smile amidst her tears. She stood up and walked to him, gave him a big hug.
"Oh, Max." She cried burying her face in his shoulder. "I'm sorry for being such an idiot."
"If any one was an idiot, 99, it was me. I shouldn't 've tried to force you and my mother to get along. I guess when it comes down to it, she isn't a very likeable person. So how 'bout it? Do you still love me?"
"Of course I still love you!" She gave him another big hug, and a kiss to go along with it.
"Can't argue with that." He smiled and she smiled back. "God, you're gorgeous." She blushed, "You know what amazes me?"
"What?"
"We've been married for a little less than a year, and you STILL blush when I tell you, you're gorgeous!" She smiled and blushed again.
"Just one of those things." She wiped her eyes again. Max helped her up and accompanied her downstairs.
"Oh, sweetness." Her mother cooed, and taking her daughter into a loving hug, "Congratulations."
Max's mother just shook her head sorrowfully as soon as 99 and her mother left the room. "How could you?"
"Well, ma, it seemed like a good idea at the time." Max admitted, still not completely wavered to the anti-his mother side of the argument.
"I thought I raised you better than that Maxwell." She shook her head in sorrow once more.
"What are you talking about? We're MARRIED, there's nothing dishonorable about it."
"You know I disapprove of that woman," She started, "The question of why you would want to SLEEP with that whore is beyond me."
"Mother." Max said firmly, "Stop calling 99 a whore!"
She took a cigarette and lit it, "For you." She said then muttered under her breath, "But not for the whore."
She blew out a puff of smoke. 99 came back out into the living room, "Please Mrs. Smart? If you must smoke, may I ask you to do it outside?" She blew a puff of smoke in 99's face causing her to fall into sneezing fit.
"No." She brushed past her and up to the guestroom. A little while later she called down, "Max!"
"Yes mother?" He bounded up the stairs. He came down, "Uh, 99?"
"Yes Max?" She whispered back, mockingly.
"My mother WON'T sleep on the couch. She flat out refuses."
"Well, I already promised the guestroom to my mother, you know? Before your mother invited herself to dinner."
Max sighed, "Well there must be a solution!"
The grandfather clock in the Smart Apartment struck midnight just as 99 finally fell asleep. Being a secret agent part of the training is being able to sleep on hard surfaces. 99 aced that test, she even slept on a stump once. She thought that was hard, but this FLOOR really took the cake.
Max was also awake, just staring up at the ceiling thinking about the mother situation. 99 knew he was awake and he knew she was as well. "Max, I have a question."
"What is it sweetheart?"
"How come you're sleeping on the couch and the pregnant woman is sleeping on the floor?"
"Because you aced the hard surfaces test."
"Oh and you failed?"
"Yes. I couldn't sleep on the stump." 99 sighed and just went back to sleep. In the morning 99 was positioned strangely. Her back was lifted up in the air and she was lying on one foot.
Max's mother walked down the stairs cautiously. She looked at 99 and didn't take her eyes off her.
She went into the kitchen and got a glass of water, and threw it on 99's face. 99 woke up sputtering and spitting and wiped her face. She sat up ready to grab her gun and shoot the oncoming KAOS agents. When she noticed it was her mother-in-law, she was just ready to grab her gun.
"Get up. I'm hungry."
"You know where the kitchen is," 99 snapped.
"A good hostess makes sure that her guests are happy."
"A good guest does not make pregnant women sleep on floors and wake them in the wee hours of the morning demanding food." 99 snarled, "If you can just wait a couple hours at least until 7, then I'll get up and then I'll make breakfast."
"Perhaps you didn't hear me."
"Good-morning 99." Max came in and kissed her on the cheek, "What are you doing?" He looked down at the food.
"I'm making breakfast." She said irritably. "She woke me at five and made me make pancakes."
"By 'she' I assume you mean my mother."
"That's not what I call her." 99 muttered under her breath. Then she looked back at up at Max, "Honestly your mother eats more than anyone I've ever seen. This is going to be her fifth helping."
"She's a breakfast person." Max said dipping his finger into the batter and licking his finger.
"Max keep your finger out of that!"
"Who's going to care? It's just you me and my mother."
"And MY mother."
"Yes well she told me I'm like a son to her."
"And your mother told me I was like an insect to her." 99 smirked.
"Don't be bitter 99. Nobody likes a bitter secret agent!"
"Nobody likes a bitter mother-in-law either."
"Nobody likes their mother-in-laws."
"I thought you like my mother."
"I'm not going to win am I?" 99 shook her head, "Well thee natural order of the house has been restored, once again, I am always wrong and you are always right."
"Now who's being bitter?"
"Ok! Let's stop this!" Max took 99 into his arms, "allow me to apologize my dear." He pulled her closer for a kiss.
Max's mother walked into the room, "Not in here with the food! Preferably not at all! Where's my pancakes?"
"You've had enough! I'm cutting you off!" 99 scolded.
"But I'm still hungry,"
"You ate enough to sink a ship! Besides as it is there's only enough batter left for me and Max and my mother to have one pancake each." She explained.
"You can have mine, mum." Max offered.
"You're a good boy Maxwell." She glared at 99.
"Max, don't encourage her!"
Max's mother reached up and grabbed 99 by the ear causing 99 to drop down on one knee in pain. "Don't be fresh."
"Mom?" Max asked, "Don't do that to my wife, huh?"
"It won't kill her." She looked down at 99 who was desperately trying to pry her mother-in-law's fingernails out of her ear. "Besides the little heathen needs to learn some manners anyway."
"Mother, let her go." He said firmly.
"Fine." She let go of 99's ear and she dropped the rest of the way to the floor and sighed. Max's mother went back out into the living room.
Max looked sympathetically down at 99, "Would you like a hand up honey?"
"No, no. I'm comfortable. This is as good a place as any to shrivel up and die." She remarked sarcastically then accepting Max's outstretched hand and getting to her feet. "Max do something about your mother."
"99 you can't teach an old dog new tricks. She gets stuck on an idea and you can't make her change her mind." He wrapped his arms around 99 again. "But I'll protect you."
"My knight in shining armor." She added affectionately before kissing him.
"How's things going 99?" Max asked.
99 looked up with a little bit of something on her nose. "Better. The turkey has five more minutes, the mashed potatoes are done and are staying in the microwave to keep warm. I'm doing good. Tell the mothers another ten minutes at the most."
"Will do." Max announced, "but sweetheart you have little something on your nose." He wiped it off and let 99 get back to her dinner preparations.
So in the next half-hour the food was brought out seating arrangement was established and they finally sat down to eat.
Max's mother was sitting across from 99, Max next to her and her mother on the other side. "This turkey is very good 99!" Max complimented, "What do you think?"
"It's too dry."
99 rolled her eyes and ignored her mother-in-law. "Darling," 99's mother started, "This stuffing is very good, did you use a new recipe?"
"It has too much bread in it."
99 just kept smiling, "Yes I did."
"So how are you doing with your job?" Her mother asked also ignoring Max's mother.
"She has a job?! Ha!"
"I got a raise not too long ago. I'm one of the best greeting card saleswomen in the company, you know."
"Yes she is and I think it's amazing the way she balances being a working girl and still manages to clean house and cook every day." Max added.
"If you can even call this house cleaned." And so this went on for the rest of the meal.
"That's it!" 99 said getting up and slamming her hand down on the table, "That is it! You come into my house and smoke and giving me an allergy attack. You complain about what I have in my kitchen, eat enough for an elephant, call me a WHORE! And yet you're still not through. I can't stand much more of you!"
Max and 99's mom sat nervously waiting for Max's mother's response. She looked up, "Oh. I'm sorry. What?"
"It's kind of long, so let me condense it for you." She took her spoon and filled it with mashed potatoes, she flung it at her mother-in-law.
She sat there looking at 99 incredulously. She picked up a turkey leg and threw it at 99. 99 dug her hands into the cranberry sauce. Then Max's mother got up from the table walked over to 99 and slapped her in the face. 99 was a bit surprised but she came back up fighting and punched her in the stomach.
"Mom!" Max cried.
"99!" 99's mother shouted, but neither one of them dared get in the way. And they just kept on fighting until finally Max dragged 99 away kicking and screaming.
"Clean it up mother." Max told his mom.
"What? But your wife threw more than I did!"
"But you provoked her." Max insisted, "She's right you know, you can't just come into her house and expect her to cater to your every whim."
"Oh so now it's HER house. Don't let women manipulate you Max."
"And what do you call what you're trying to do?"
"It's different, I'm your mother."
He held up a bucket with water and a sponge in it, "Clean it up." His mother took the bucket begrudgingly and rung out the sponge.
He walked into the kitchen. 99 held a piece of meat on her eye. "You ok?"
99 looked up, "Everything's in tact… except my pride."
"There's a reason why my mother is the way she is." Max sat down next to his wife. "She probably wouldn't want me telling you this but I'm going to anyway.
"My Parents had an arranged marriage. My father never really cared for my mother; but she absolutely adored him. Well when I was about eleven, he started sneaking around behind her back.
"She's a very clever woman and caught on right away. Well she lied once and said that she was going to be out all night. So my Dad brought his mistress over to the house and she came back and… caught them."
"Yeah it's a sad story." 99 sympathized, "But that still doesn't explain why she hates me!"
"Well… ironically the woman who was about the age you are now. Well… she… sorta…. Well…"
"What, Max?"
"Well… you're a dead ringer for her."
"Oh."
"And she doesn't want you stealing her little boy away like my Dad's mistress stole him away from her."
"Well, I don't know what to say to her now…"
"Believe me. I think it would be better if you didn't say anything at all." Max advised.
"Max, I'm done with the walls." Max's mother came in and thrusted the bucket of water into his arms and proceeded into the kitchen.
"Be nice." Max warned quietly.
"How's your eye?" she asked- not very convincingly concerned.
"Better." 99 answered. Max's mother crossed over to the refrigerator and pulled out the orange juice and poured herself a glass. "Can I say something?"
"It's your house." Max's mother shrugged.
"I'm not trying to take Max away from you. He'll always be your little boy."
Max's mother stopped and didn't say anything for a second and turned around to face 99. A small hint of a smile forming on her lips.
She moved forward to 99 and hugged her. 99 was extremely surprised but equally grateful. She hugged back.
Max opened the door to the kitchen. The closed it quickly, then opened it again to make sure he saw correctly. He had. "Since when is our kitchen in the Twighlight zone?" He asked to himself.