actually, girlfriends are easy to piss off. you do something they get pissed. you do nothing they get pissed.
i don't know about you, but they've made a misogynist out of me.
it's bad if she checks your caller id and finds out your ex has been calling you. it's worse if you won't allow her to check your caller id. it's much worse if she catches you checking her caller id to see who's been calling her. don't you know that a relationship is based on trust?
it's bad enough if you don't notice her new haircut or hairstyle. it's worse if you visibly cringe when you see it.
when she says that she thinks valentine's day is a meaningless holiday, you're not supposed to take her word for it. therefore, if you don't buy her a present, it's bad. it's worse if you explain, "but honey, you said valentine's was a stupid holiday." then she'll explain that she was only saying that because she felt insecure, and wasn't sure if you loved her enough to get her a gift anyway, and now you've failed the "will-he-buy-you-a-present-even-though-you-said-valentine's-day-is-stupid test" that she saw in cosmo and teen magazine. god, how could you be so insensitive?
don't ever make a single comment after a feminine product commercial. it's bad if you make a comment about that blue stuff they dribble on the napkins to show that it works. it's worse if you in any way imply that she is in dire need of feminine wash.
it's bad if you keep reminding her to use her turn signals. it's worse if you actually get out of the car and direct her to a parking spot. even if she doesn't know how to parallel park, you're supposed to stay in the car and not react when she causes damage.
even if she insists that you treat her like one of the guys, don't. it's bad to punch her in the arm after the punch line of a joke. it's worse if you get her in a headlock, give her a wedgy, or a suddenly do a "titty-twister."
do not ever make any reaction about what she orders to eat. it's bad if you comment while she's on a diet. it's worse if you call her "buddha" and rub her belly for good luck.
it's bad if you fart in her presence. it's worse if you call attention to her when she hides her fart.
it's bad if you pressure her into giving you a sensual massage. it's much much worse if you promised you'd take turns, and that you'd also give her a massage, but then fall asleep before it's your turn.
it's bad if you stare at other women's bodies. it's just as bad if you allow your friends to stare at hers. then she'll think that you're not jealous, and that you don't love her anymore, and then you would have failed the "make-your-boyfriend-jealous-to-see-if-he-loves-you test" from cosmo and teen magazine. it's worse if she complains that your friends keep staring at her body and you react with, "that's ok, honey, they've got nothing to see anyway."
it's bad if you say anything nice about your ex. it's much worse if you say anything bad about her ex. and apparently, when the two of you see her ex with a new girl, it is just as bad if you say, "look, honey, he has really awful taste in women."
it's bad if you don't listen to her when she complains about her friends or her family. it's much worse if you try to be the supportive boyfriend, cuddle her in her time of distress, agree with her complaints about her friends or her family, and then proceed to list your own reasons why her friends or her family really really suck.
here's a really old joke that's circulated the internet forever
woman's vocabulary
1. "fine"
this is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks ("dayum, she looks fine!"). this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. "five minutes"
this is half an hour. it is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so they feel that it's an even trade.
3. "nothing"
this means something and you should be on your toes. "nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, backwards, or all three. "nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine."
4. "go ahead" (with raised eyebrows) as in "go ahead. you can cancel our date and go out with your friends."
this is a dare. one that will result in a woman getting upset over "nothing" and will end with the word "fine."
5. "go ahead" (normal eyebrows)
this means "i give up" or "do what you want because i don't care". you will get a raised eyebrow "go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine" and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. (loud sigh)
this is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. a "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing."
7. (soft sigh)
again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. she is content. your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
8. "oh !"
this word followed by any statement is trouble. example; "oh, let me get that" or, "oh, i talked to him about what you were doing last night". if she says "oh" before a statement, RUN (do not walk) to the nearest exit. she will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows, "go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that i can't bring myself to write about them.
9. "that's okay"
this is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "that's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "that's okay" is often used with the word "fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow and "go ahead." at some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
10. "please do"
this is not a statement, it is an offer. a woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. you have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "that's okay."
11. "thanks"
the woman is thanking you. do not faint. just say "you're welcome."
12. "thanks a lot!"
this is very different to "thanks." a woman will say, "thanks a lot!" when she is REALLY pissed off at you. it signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "loud sigh." be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing."
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