Below are the 1999 Darwin Award Top
Nominees and the "Winner." |
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(all events occurred in 1998) |
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For those of you not familiar with the Darwin Awards, they commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival. |
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The Darwin Award Nominees for 1999 are: |
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1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of Suffocation enroute to the hospital.
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2 - MINNEAPOLIS, MN. Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian Roulette and put a semi-automatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver, which can have empty chambers) to Ken's head and fired.
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3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
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4 - WINDSOR, ONTARIO, CANADA. In February, according to Windsor police, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
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5 - MOSCOW, RUSSIA. A drunk security man asked a colleague at the
Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it
would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old
guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into
the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
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6 - FRANCE. Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he
decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose
around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He
drank
some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at
the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him
completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of
hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the
flames
and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind
fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
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7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit
a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact
that
he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
choices as listed:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry
concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned
fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also
drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
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