*GO TO THE BOTTOM*
In the back woods of West Virginia, the redneck's
wife went into labor in the middle of the night,
and the doctor was called assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold
this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush
to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another
one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down
that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!"
cried the doctor.
The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the
doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly
so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the
label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you
live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract
from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out
with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's
responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the
movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and
the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always
has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
|
The Cat/English dictionary: |
| Cat Phrase |
Meaning |
| miaow |
Feed me. |
| meeow |
Pet me. |
| mrooww |
I love you. |
| miioo-oo-oo |
I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside
beneath the hedge. Don't wait up. |
| mrow |
I feel like making noise.. |
| rrrow-mawww |
Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box. |
| rrrow-miawww |
I have remedied the cat box untidiness by
shoveling the contents as far out of the box as
was practical. |
| miaowmiaow |
Play with me. |
| miaowmioaw |
Have you noticed the shortage of available cat
toysin this room? |
| mioawmioaw |
Since I can find nothing better to play with, I
shall see what happens when I sharpen my
claws on this handy piece of furniture. |
| roww-maww-roww |
I am so glad to see that you have returned home
with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub
myself against your legs and attempt to trip you
as you walk towards the kitchen. |
| mmeww |
I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like
to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy
to keep your spot in the bed warm. |
| gakk-ak-ak |
My digestive passages seem to have formed a
hairball. Wherever could this have come from?
I shall leave it here upon the carpeting. |
| mow |
Snuggling is a good idea. |
| moww |
Shedding is pretty good, too. |
| mowww! |
I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the
warm clean laundry until you removed me so
unkindly. |
| miaow! miaow! |
I have discovered that, although one may be
able to wedge his body through the gap behind
the stove and into that little drawer filled with
pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more
difficult to navigate. |
| mraakk! |
Oh, small bird! Please come over here. |
| ssssroww! |
I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall
now act terribly brave. |
| mmmmmmm |
If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so,
I shall be satisfied. |
-------------
TRAINING YOUR HUMAN
Training your human is a thankless task.
"Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.
Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We're poised to usurp man's authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.
Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.
Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.
Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
as she's headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can't be all that bright),
They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...
When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
but they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.
Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
then when they've had all the pain they can stand,
dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
and celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle's begun,
as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.
Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how).
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.
***First one forwarded by John Hedtke,
***the next by William Conway.
--------------------
Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line
so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be
transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound
Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
phone number, date of birth, social security number, and
your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call
again later.
If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our
representatives would talk to someone like you!
***COMING TO AMERICA**
-In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
-In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.
-In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
-In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number
of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically
by national order.
-In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
-In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
-In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
-In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
-In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian
Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are
buried daily except Thursday.
-In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.
-On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
-On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
-Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
-Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
-In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.
-A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.
-In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
-In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
-In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
-Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
-In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today-no ice cream.
-In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
-In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
-On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
-In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
-In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.
-In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
-In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.
-In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the
long run.
...From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates:If you want just condition of warm in your room,
please control yourself.
...From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then
tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
· English well talking.
· Here speeching American.
******huh*******
"My wife says I never listen to her.
At least I think that's what she said."
-- Anonymous husband
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mikey's Thot for the Day:
What would you rather have,
no short-term memory or . . .
Uh, I forget the question.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
let me ask my wife .....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New sayings that SHOULD be on Buttons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
-If I throw a stick, will you leave?
-Practice random acts of intelligence
and senseless acts of self-control.
-I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
-If I want to hear the pitter patter of
little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
-Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
-See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
-Better living through denial.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Meandering to a different drummer.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
Make yourself at home ....Clean my kitchen!
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Some of this was adapted from: Have A Nice Day!
***********************
Frog Joke
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her name plate that the teller's name is
Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms.Whack, I'd like to get a
loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at
the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the
frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK,
he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is
a substantial amount of money and that he will need to
secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has
anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I
have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant,
about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very
confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the
manager and says:"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.
And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the
tiny pink elephant."I mean, what the heck is this?"
So the bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His
old man's a Rolling Stone."
***************
A DRUNK ?
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good
samaritans and get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the
way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house,
they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.
They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks but ..where the heck is his wheelchair?"
**************
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
-The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to
make calls on people who are not afflicted with any
church.
-Evening massage - 6 p.m.
-The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
-The audience is asked to remain seated until the end
of the recession.
-Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
-Ushers will eat latecomers.
-The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung
without musical accomplishment.
-For those of you who have children and don’t know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
-The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the
delight of the audience.
-The pastor will preach his farewell message, after
which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
-During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the
rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F.
Stubbs supplied our pulpit. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson
will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will
then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
-Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing
services will be discontinued until further notice.
-Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”
-The music for today’s service was all composed by
George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th
anniversary of his birth.
-Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
church and community.
-The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s
Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great
success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s
daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano,
which as usual fell upon her.
-22 members were present at the church meeting
held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last
evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a
duet, The Lord Knows Why.
-A song fest was hell at the Methodist church
Wednesday.
Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK?
with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: “Great God, what do I see here?”
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: “Hark! an awful voice is sounding”
-On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness:
GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
-Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
-Don’t let worry kill you off - let the church help.
-The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell
May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to
church secretary.
*Thanks Nelta Brock via
*Ted Whidden’s Laughworks Mailing List
http://rampages.onramp.net/~blakswan
---
ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETINS
The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of
every kind and they may be seen in the church
basement Friday.
-The associate minister unveiled the church’s new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
“I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours.”
-A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the
church. It was given by one of our members
in honor of his wife.
-Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.
-The Senior Choir invites any member of the
congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
-At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be “What is Hell?” Come early and
listen to our choir practice.
-Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their
school days.
-The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship
Hall after the B.S.
-Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to
the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
-Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and
Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
*Thanks Randall Woodman via Jack Kolb*
KOLB@ucla.edu
---
STILL MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
-The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce
the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and
Mrs. Julius Belzer.
-This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south
and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized
at both ends.
-Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs.
Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied
by the pastor.
-Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club.
-All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the
minister in his private study.
-Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to
defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to
do something on the new carpet will come forward
and get a piece of paper.
-A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
-Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week
for testes.
-The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak,
mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will
be served for a nominal feel.
-The service will close with “Little Drops Of Water.”
One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
-This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to
come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
-The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of
every kind and they may be seen in the church
basement Friday.
Thanks Steve West
**************************************************
*SEE IT AGAIN*
cards similar to this one & a lot more A Free Cards listing
If your browser did not send the card the other way or you just want
an easy way to send this card just hilite & copy from line to line
then paste into an email to your friend ......
here
\/
______________________________________
You have been sent a very special online page!
To Pick up your online page just visit the Online station at:
http://members.dencity.com/maxdcards/joke14.html
===
oh and tell a friend
and sign in please
Thanks, JohnS...........[MAX] Postmaster
:o)
All online pages left unclaimed after a few will be eaten
......... mmmmmmmmmm thanks
______________________________________
/\
to here
PTL
Raen *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*