PC MESSAGE GLOSSARY
It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving." It says: "Press A Key"(This one's a programmers joke.) Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key. It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem." It says: "Installing program to C:\...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them." It says: "Please insert disk 7" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 6 disks." It says: "Not enough memory" It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 128MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K." It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "...however, if you put the CD in right side up..." It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "...indefinitely." It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: "....any more. Whoops." It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back." ******************************************** GREAT COMPUTER TIP! ******************************************** This is what you need to do to straighten out your computer. Take the mouse thingy and click on the whosit, then scroll down to the third thingamagig. Highlight it and copy and paste to the whatchamacallit. It will take you to the gizmo. You can then see what you want to install. And remember, if it doesn't work for you, you can go back to the setup, and un-install the gizmo by reversing the setup thru the highlight and paste method. this works for me every time!********************************************* The Mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it''s open Here's something fun to do, but you must follow the directions closely and not cheat, okay? ***Make a wish before you start the quiz*** Warning! Do take the quiz as you read, there are only 4 questions, and if you scan all the way to the end before finishing you won't get the honest results. Don't cheat. Scroll slowly and do each exercise. Don't look ahead. Get pencil and paper and write it down. You will need it at the end. This is an honest quiz, that will tell you about your true self. Enjoy! ******************************************************** Chapter I. Arrange the following 5 animals according to your preference: Cow Tiger Sheep Horse Monkey ************************************************** Chapter II Write one word to describe each of the following: Dog Cat Rat Coffee Ocean *************************************************************** Chapter III Think of somebody (who also knows you) that you can relate to the following colors: (Please don't repeat your answer twice. Name only one person for each color.) Yellow Orange Red White Green ************************************************************* Chapter IV Finally, indicate your favorite number and favorite day of the week. Are you done?? Make sure your answers are what you TRULY feel....... Last Chance.... See interpretations below: But before going on, repeat your wish! ************************************************************** Chapter I This will define your priorities in life Cow means career Tiger means pride Sheep means love Horse means family Monkey means money **************************************************************** Chapter II Your description of Dog implies your own personality Your description of Cat implies your partner's personality Your description of Rat implies your enemy's personality Your description of Coffee is how you interpret sex Your description of Ocean implies your own life ************************************************************* Chapter III Yellow - somebody who will never forget you Orange - someone whom you can consider as your real friend Red -someone you really love White - your soulmate Green - a person whom you will always remember for the rest of your life.THIS IS ONLY A TEST
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*************************** TIRED *************************** A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-beep!" The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his fingers. "Son-of- a-beep," he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'" So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. And gain it slipped. He started to say "Son.." but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus, help me." At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself. The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming, "Son-of-a-beep!"?????????????????? OH HILLARY ?????????????????? During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune tellerof some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her a question. "Will I be acquitted?"
A HORSE RIDE
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but can not seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere seconds away from unconsciousness when...... The Wal-Mart manager runs out to unplug the horse.
??!?!! MEN & WOMEN SUGAR & SPICE ??!?!?!
How to impress a woman: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, buy flowers for her, go to the ends of the earth for her... --=+=-- How to impress a man: Show up in birthday suit, Bring only yourself.
A FOREIGN LANGUAGE
A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."___________________________________________ A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net. Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted. It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"_____________________________ There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine. And she arrived there just before a businessman coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the businessman who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Miss, but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well -NO- Duhhh!, I'm Still winning."Subject: The Blonde and the Coke Machine
_________________________________________________________ A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.00. The following week he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed back $66.00. He asked the teller why he got less money this week than he did the previous week. "Fluctuations," the lady said. The man turned on his heel and stormed toward the door. But just as he reached it he turned back around, shook his fist at the teller, and shouted, "Fluctuate this you Americans!"MONEY & CHANGE
__________________________________________________________ A man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggested a faithful dog. The man replied, "Come on, a dog?" The owner countered, "How about a cat?" The man replied, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man said, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He took the centipede home and said to the it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walked into the kitchen and... it was immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He was absolutely amazed. He said to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walked into the living room. The carpet had been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; even the plants were watered. The man thought to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he said to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walked out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes... no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what had happened. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is his centipede? So he went to the front door, opened it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man said, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede said, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"A MILLION TO TWO
______________________________________________________________________________ THE BIRDS AND THE BEE'S ? ________________________________________________ Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it was father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest; the baby stork is crying, and the mother said, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returned and the parents demanded to know where he'd been all night. The baby stork said, "Nowhere. Just scaring some college students!"
THE COLONEL'S ORDER ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS: "Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it." EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER: "By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years." COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: "By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years." LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT: "Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area." SERGEANT TO SQUAD: "When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues." Thanks Charlie Hill ------------------------------------------ OFFICER FITNESS REPORTS The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's".... His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. I would not breed from this Officer. This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. Technically sound, but socially impossible. This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. This officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet. The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. Only occasionally wets himself under pressure. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. Thanks Pat Gooley, Tongmyong University of Information Technology --- THE BATTLE It was 1944, the Battle of the Bulge in Europe. An American squad has been cut off behind enemy lines. They're surrounded. As night falls, a new recruit finds the sergeant who's acting commander. "Sarge," he said, "I don't know how it happened, but in the fighting today, I lost my rifle. What do I do?" The sergeant favors him with a few comments not fit for a polite mailing list, then he looked around and found an old broomstick. "OK," he said, "Any German soldier who sticks his head up, you point this at him and go 'bangity-bangity.'" "That won't work!" replied the private, but the sergeant told him just to do it. The private replied, "Yeah, but what if we get to hand-to-hand combat?" The sergeant looked around and found a butter knife, and tied it to the end of the broomstick. He said, "If the Germans come in close, you go 'stabity-stabity' with this." At sunrise the Germans attack in hordes. There was shouting and screaming and shooting and dying going on all around. In the middle of this chaos, the private stood up and started going "bangity-bangity." And it seemed to be having some effect! So he went "bangity- bangity," "bangity-bangity," "bangity-bangity-bangity." Well, he was just murdering the Germans. Mowing them down with that broomstick. But still they keep coming. He went "stabity-stabity" at the ones who got too close, and they started bleeding and dying all around. Pretty soon, he's the only American left alive. There are piles of dead bodies all around him. He shot the last few Germans with his broomstick, and an unearthly quiet settled on the battlefield. Then he noticed this one lone German soldier off in the distance, coming toward him. The German isn't shooting at the American, just sort of shuffling along straight for him. The American private let him get within easy broomstick range, then he went "bangity-bangity." No effect. "Bangity-bangity." Nothing. The German still wasn't shooting, he was sort of mumbling to himself, still coming. When he got close, the American tried "stabity-stabity," but that didn't work either. The German walked right up to the American, pushed him over, walked on top of him and kept going. That little ol' German crushes the hell out of the American just by stepping on him. As he was lying there, the life draining from his body, he could hear the German heading away, mumbling "tankity-tankity." Thanks Antonio Oliveros Fernandez. --- PRIVATE PARTS A soldier went into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle. Waking up from the amnesties he saw his doctor standing at his bedside. "So tell me Doc, what did you find out?" The Doctor said, "Son we have some good news and some bad news." "Yea, so???" replied the patient. "Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts." "Yeah, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?" "We put them under your pillow..."
New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies 1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses. 2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife. 3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. 4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. 5. I resolve to back up my 1GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... 6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. 7. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support." 8. I will read the manual. [yeah right] 9. I will think of a password other than "password." 10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mikey's Thot for the Day: Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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