God Sends a Specialist
A woman was getting a ~ pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse: Her son had some down with a high fever and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor. Seeing her son like that -- his face flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration -- frayed her, and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the examining room, which he was doing now, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away." By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven. At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car . . . . . . Which was locked. Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car. She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home. When her son finally answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the car!" The boy was barely able to speak. In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get a wire coat hanger, Mom. You can get in with that." The phone went dead. She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just enough to use wire hangers. Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed herself a smile of relief. As she was about to step off the curb, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!" Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen," She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her. A young man, twentyish-looking, in a T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed about him was the long, stringy hair, and then the beard that hid everything south of his nose. He was coming her way. When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?" He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?" Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam! Just like that, the door was open. When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You must be a Christian," He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday." She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless God! she cried. "He sent me a professional!"
FROGS If a swamp frog goes ribb-it....ribb-it....ribb-it and a Busch frog goes bud....wis....er What does an AOL frog sound like? Re-boot Re-boot Re-boot Thanks Restaino --------------------------------------------------------- The Fly There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead. The moral to the story is... Never fly off the handle when you’re full of it. --------------------------------------------------------- ODDS 'N ENDS ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK: * 12% Monday * 23% Tuesday * 40% Wednesday * 20% Thursday * 5% Friday --------------------------------------------------------------- FOR SALE -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day ----------------- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ----------------- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ---------------- I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone. ---------------- Lowerville: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ---------------- JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're a jerk. ---------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her name was, "Always". ---------------- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? ---------------- Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation? ---------------- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ---------------- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? --------------------------------------------------------- 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing. --------------------------------------------------------- HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW! ---------------- Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep. ---------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ---------------- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better! ---------------- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ---------------- A closed mouth gathers no foot. ---------------- The trouble with life is there's no background music. ---------------- THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law) ---------------- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ---------------- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ---------------- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ---------------- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one heck of a party. ---------------- When blondes have more fun do they know it? ---------------- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ---------------- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ---------------- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER. ---------------- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ---------------- If you run out of sick days, call in dead. ---------------- Thanks Rocco A. Benedetto ----------------------------------------------- visit this site anytime Thanks to Adam's Smile List smilezone.com/SMILELIST ----------------------------------------------- TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR PC ISN'T TOP OF THE LINE ----------------------------------------------- 10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube. 9. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers. 8. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners. 7. The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they receive only AM. 6. The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up. 5. It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a couple of rounds of toast. 4. It's labeled "energy saving" only because there's no power supply. 3. You just got another one with your Happy Meal. 2. The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward. 1. The sticker reads "nothing of value inside." Thanks C. Thom --------------------------------------------------- NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point: 1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. 6. Drink. Drink some more. 7. Take up a new habit: smoking. 8. Spend at least $1000 a month on hookers. 9. Spend more time at work. 10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine. 11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 12. Quit giving money & time to charity. 14. Start being superstitious. 15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words. 17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 18. Personal goal: bring back disco. ::::mine:::: 19. And go ahead ... pick your friends nose .. I get sick of hearing you can pick your friends .. and you can pick your nose ..... but .....
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. 3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outerbanks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reachhim. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. 4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. 5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing. 6. Sylvester Briddell, JR , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del. as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. 7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-oncollision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. 8. In September, a 17-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990. DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS 1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. 2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. 3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. 4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against a town of a thousand Morons." Darwin Awards
[Totally the most unusuallist .. um .. well just read you'll see] Here are the 1998 Darwin Awards ! They have finally been released. For those not familiar with the Darwin Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event. I didn't think anyone would want to miss out on these!! DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATESAND THE WINNER .....PADERBORN, GERMANY -
Zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes. The plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop. Investigators say Friedrich, 46,was attempting to give the ailing elephant an enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground,where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him,he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents.
visit anytime ya like Thanks to Janell and her GIGGLE'S HUMOR LIST www.giggleshumor.com
If you could live forever, would you and why? I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are. -- Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22 I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees. -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it. -- A congressional candidate in Texas The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet. -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. -- John Wayne Half this game is ninety percent mental. -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle Without censorship, things can get terribly Confused in the public mind. -- General William Westmoreland If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet. -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle Q & A Time folks
totally uneditedBIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THOSE WE CONSIDER
-------- Closing Note for 1998 or any year really Over the years, I've enjoyed helping people to enjoy life a bit more. I'm glad you're here to share in the humor. I've spent the last few months working on a project which I plan to release in '99. I'll be telling you more about it as I prepare to unleash it on the world!"STARS"
For now, allow me to share with you MY annual New Year's Resolution: Smile a little more... Laugh a little more... Enjoy a lot more! JokeMaster be aware there is no affiliation .. I do edit out the bad stuff & some do not .. other than that .....LOL For your surfing pleasure, visit: JOKE MASTER The JokeMaster Funnies - Free; and worth every penny! Subscribe - Send to: Majordomo@majordomo.esosoft.com In body: SUBSCRIBE Funnies
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