Sedona Funny Stuff

Funny stuff about Nortel:
 

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) - Nortel Networks will reduce its workforce by an unprecedented 120 percent by the end of 2001, believed to be the first time a major corporation has laid off more employees than it actually has.

Nortel stock soared more than 12 points on the news. The reduction decision, announced Wednesday, came after a year-long internal review of cost-cutting procedures, said Nortel Networks Chairman and CEO John Roth. The initial report concluded the company would save 1.2 billion by eliminating 20 percent of its 88,000 employees.

>>From there, said Roth, "it didn't take a genius to figure out that if we cut 40 percent of our workforce, we'd save $2.4 billion, and if we cut 100 percent of our workforce, we'd save $6 billion. But then we thought, why stop there? Let's cut another 20 percent and save $7 billion. "We believe in increasing shareholder value, and we believe that by decreasing expenditures, we enhance our competitive cost position and our bottom line," he added.

Nortel Networks plans to achieve the 100 percent internal reduction through
layoffs, attrition and early retirement packages. To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 18,000 non-Nortel employees who presently work for other companies. "We pretty much picked them out of a hat," said Roth. Among firms Nortel has picked as "External Reduction Targets," or ERTs, are Quaker Oats, AMR Corporation, parent of American Airlines, Lockheed, Boeing, and Charles Schwab & Co.

Nortel's plan presents a "win-win" for the company and ERTs, said Roth, as any savings by ERTs would be passed on to Nortel, while the ERTs themselves would benefit by the increase in stock rice that usually accompanies personnel cutback announcements. "We're also hoping that since, over the years, we've been really helpful to a lot of companies, they'll do this for us kind of as a favour," said Roth. Legally, pink slips sent out by Nortel would have no standing at ERTs unless those companies agreed.

While executives at ERTs declined to comment, employees at those companies said they were not inclined to cooperate. "This is ridiculous. I don't work for Nortel. They can't fire me," said Kaili Blackburn, a flight attendant with American Airlines. Reactions like that, replied Roth, "are not
very sporting."

Inspiration for Nortel's plan came from previous cutback initiatives, said company officials. In January of 2001, for instance, the company announced it would trim 10,000 jobs over the next year. However, just two months later, Nortel said it had already reached its quota. "We were quite
surprised at the number of employees willing to leave Nortel in such a hurry, and we decided to build on that," Roth said.

Analysts credited Roth's short-term vision, noting that the announcement had the desired effect of immediately increasing Nortel's share value. However, the long-term ramifications could be detrimental, said Bear Stearns analyst Beldon McInty. "It's a little early to tell, but by eliminating all its employees, Nortel may jeopardize its market position and could, at least theoretically, cease to exist," said McInty.

Roth, however, urged patience: "To my knowledge, this hasn't been done before, so let's just wait and see what happens."
 

KIA Sedona Specifications:

- Built to accommodate 8 passengers (actually it only has capacity for 5 because the engine is too weak, but 8
sounds way more impressive and it's already printed on all the data sheets)
- KIA Model number 1.5.2 (current release)
- Release 1.8 will have run flat tires, 9 passenger capacity, higher top speed, 0 emissions, spare "fail-over" engine, new
logo badges...
- 1.8 will be available for general production in 2006
- KIA guarantees spare parts will be available for 20 years (in fact they have WAY too much inventory in the KIA
warehouse in Korea)
- Comes in a lovely new burnt orange colour
- Optional "Castle Rock" silhouette graphic package (available only in Gatineau)
- Available "ground effects" neon lights, so your ride will really attract media attention.
- Awesome financing rates, and the friendliest repo. team in the business if things don't work out.
- Passenger seat equipped with a heated, rocket assisted, ejector seat or V.P.M.H.S (known in the business as the
V.P. Marketing Hot Seat)
- beefed-up climate control system that always blows hot air...
- Windshield is tinted with rose coloured glass, so you only see the good things in your path
 

See this for more details

Although this is eerie: