With the success of the box-office hit Germination Stage, I’ve decided to make a prequel, Assassination Stage. But unlike most prequels, this movie will not have any of the characters based from the first film, the same basic plot lines, or even anything to do with the first movie whatsoever. In keeping with the traditions for making a new movie, I will be interviewed by someone else. But this time, it will be done by the great James Lipton, the host of Inside the Actor’s Studio.
Lipton: Thanks for letting me do this interview. It’s such an honor.
Me: It’s obvious you’ve never read a thing I wrote.
Lipton: …Yes. In fact, I’ve never heard of you before until you called me on my cell phone.
Me: Where were you anyways? I heard a lot of screeching.
Lipton: I was in my new Ford F-150 with a cell phone in my hand.
Me: Wow, F-150. You know, when I first saw that thing, I finally knew how a woman feels when she’s walking with her husband and suddenly sees a guy with bigger cock.
Lipton: …
Me: …
Lipton: …How did you get my number anyways?
Me: …I have connections. Anyways, let’s continue on.
Lipton: We haven’t even started yet. So, tell us what is Assassination Stage?
Me: Well, James, after seeing how well Germination Stage did, the audience was hungry for a prequel. They wanted to see where the idea, characters, and plot came from.
Lipton: I think they meant they wanted to see the insane person that conjured up the horror.
Me: The film was categorized as “action”, not “horror”…
Lipton: …I am so going to kill my agent. [Sighs] Continue.
Me: ...laced with hours of gunfights for every two lines in the movie. Thus, it was considered an “action’ flick…Did you say something?
Lipton: Ah, forget it, fuck-tard. [He looks down on his prepared clipboard of questions.] “How did you get the name for the movie? As I understood it, you took one of biology’s fertilization phases for the last flick. And as I also understand it, assassination isn’t one of biology’s fertilization phases.”
Me: …It should. But, this time, the story’s about a Chinese-American soldier trying to deliver an important message back to Washington D.C. during WWII. Despite the heavily guarded American platoon (an all-white cast) around him, that’s not stopping the Axis snipers trying to “off” him. Thus, ASSassination Stage. Besides, “assassination” sounds kinda like “Asian nation”.
Lipton: This sounds vaguely familiar like…
Me: It is not like the first film at all. For example, this saga will lace hours of talking for every two battle scenes. The vision I’m trying to get across is the interracial bondship the Chink will have with the Yanks.
Lipton: What?!
Me: Sorry, I meant interracial bondsmanship.
Lipton: [Sighs] I was going to say that it sounds vaguely like Windtalker. But, this obviously sounds even worst. [Flipping through the pages] It just sort of go on like this. I guess we’ll have to see a clip or something, right?
Me: Actually, I’ve compiled a quick, abridged version of the entire film. Roll it, Luigi!