ASSASSINATION STAGE
By Alen Chao
Ext. - A few feet from the BEACH OF NORMANDY, September 24th
SERGEANT WILSON [Shouting]:
Alright, men! We'll
be hitting the beach
in just a few minutes. Remember, when the door drops,
just
run out and shoot!
PRIVATE KWANG:
I'm the only non-white
person in here!
PRIVATE McKAY:
SERGEANT WILSON, I'm
missing my pistol! All I have is the…
[A mortar explodes close to the CARRIER, throwing all of the SOLDIERS overboard. As they try to run toward the BEACH underwater, bullets wiz by and fly into the SOLDIERS. Their BLOOD stains into the water. WILSON, Kwang, and McKAY make it out onto the beach. Chaos everywhere as they see random men drop to their knees and die.]
WILSON:
Who's left?! I see we
don't have
many MEN staying alive,
so let's storm this be-atch!
[WILSON, KWANG, and McKAY storm the beach. KWANG looks around and spots his brother just as he's getting shot.]
KWANG:
BROTHER!
WILSON:
I'm sorry you've lost
him, son. What was his name?
KWANG:
SUK. But let's forget
my brother's death and storm this be-atch!
[A few hours later.]
WILSON:
We totally owned this
BE-ATCH!
Now, I'm going to send a message back to WASHINGTON.
KWANG, deliver
the message.
KWANG:
Okay. And now, for the
next two hours, the audience will see me travel
through the country side of
ITALY,
the COUNTRY above ITALY, and other
pretty and exotic LOCATIONS.
Ext. - the OUTDOORS
SNIPERS:
Pyoo,
pyoo!
SOME RANDOM PLATOON
CAPT.:
Pyoo, pyoo! We killed
the SNIPERS
after a heavy BATTLE.
KWANG:
Wow, thanks!
SOME RANDOM PLATOON
CAPT.:
Shut up, CHINK. We killed those snipers
because we like firing guns at NAZIS. But since you're
carrying a message back to WASHINGTON,
the PLATOON and I will help get you there safely.
[Random scene from THE LAST SAMURAI]
Int. - NOBUTADA'S HOUSE
NOBUTADA:
Japanese MEN don't
do women's WORK.
TOM CRUISE:
I am not JAPANESE.
[End scene.]
SOME RANDOM PLATOON
CAPT.:
Since you're CHINESE, we'll assume
you don't know any ENGLISH
and make fun of you right in your face.
KWANG:
I understand you perfectly.
SOME RANDOM PLATOON
CAPT.:
I am shamed. Now that I understand,
our INTERRACIAL BONDSMANSHIP is complete.
Hey, what's going on beyond that HILL? Let's charge and FIND out!
[A major battle]
Ext. - Beyond a HILL
SOME RANDOM PLATOON
CAPT.:
Oh no! It's those damn NAZIS
shooting at our WHITE BROTHERS! Charge!
Pyoo, pyoo!
NAZIS:
Pyoo, pyoo!
McKAY:
Pyoo, pyoo!
KWANG:
Pyoo, pyoo!
PLATOON:
Pyoo, pyoo!
SUK KWANG:
Pyoo, pyoo!
KWANG:
Hey, I thought you
were DEAD?
SUK:
Nope.
Int. - GENERAL'S Office, Washington
GENERAL:
Good job, men! You've brought me
my message from NORMANDY,
and achieved INTERRACIAL BONDSMANSHIP between the
all of youse.
KWANG:
SIR, what does the
message say?
GENERAL:
That was the second
LINE. We have to do a battle scene first.
[Scene from SAVING PRIVATE RYAN]
MATT DAMON:
Pyoo, pyoo!
[End scene]
GENERAL:
It appears to be an
S.O.S…