As an investigative reporter, fresh from the ruins of a warped comedy career, I now dedicate my life on bring people hard facts and actual figures. No more will I be wasting time coming up with the perfect materials for the civilians of internet-land to laugh at. From now, it's only cold, hard truths, and hard-core facts.
Despite many attemps by certain milita, government factions, and personally, the internet is still around and as booming as ever, if not more so. And one night, as I rutinely checked my e-mails and frequenting the usual webpages, I received an e-mail from the alias "QuoteMastahXP". The content of the e-mail pertains to an invite to "an underground quote battle" at a specific chat room. My jounalistic instinct kicked in and decided to follow the trail.
When I arrived, or more like logged in, to the chat room, it's apparent that the place was swarming with internet nerds and computer dorks. And there was QuoteMastahXP running the whole show.
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You have just entered "Chat Quote Battle."
QuoteMastahXP: Yo, yo, yo, Quote Mastah's in da HOUSE! I see a lot of new screen names in the "people here" box, so it's OBVIOUS that it's amateur night up in here!
QuoteMastahXP: So here's how it breaks down, a'ight? Two people that I choose go up against one another and take turns spittin' out quotes. It can be from books, movies, tv shows, whateva. But PLEASE, NO forum inside jokes! Now let's get the party started!!!
FoShOmAn: yay YAY!
Me: Please don't do that again.
QuoteMastahXP: Alright! Since you two were the firsts to talk, y'all are up first! DJ, SSSSSSSPIN DAT SHIT!
Me: Spin what shit? We're over the internet.
QuoteMastahXP: 11/m/ohio
QuoteMastahXP: oh, sorry. some girl was asking for my a/s/l. Anyways, since fo sho has done dis before, start us off (insert my screen name here)
Me: Um...ok. er..."The children! Oh, won't SOMEBODY please think of the children?!"
FeLiXgRl235: lol
FoShOmAn: roflmao
QuoteMastahXP: hahaha, dat was WEAK. the simpsons? but not bad for a newbie. YOUR TURN, FO' SHO!
FoShOmAn: yo...yo..."LET'S FIGHTING LOVE!"
QuoteMastahXP: OH SHEEEEET, very nice start from fo' sho with last week's South Park episode! YO TURN!
Me: (By now, I've got nothing.)...okay...huhh, huhh "Deez chicks don't even know the name of my band! But dey all ov' me like day wanna hold hands!"
QuoteMastahXP: not bad, not bad. startin to warm up a lil, i see. GO FO SHO!
FoShOmAn: yyeeah, check dis..."haters wanna hate/lovahs wanna love/i dont even want/NONE OF DE ABOVE/i wanna PISS ON YOUUUUU/yes i do, i wanna piss on youuuu"
QuoteMastahXP: oh shit! pullin out some Chappells! you'll need a big one to beat this and win the round!
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By now, I've lost all hope. Those hours sitting in front of the television and listening to the radio had gone to waste. I sat there with a blank stare on my face, not believing what I was witnessing. I've heard of RAP battles before, and seen one in "Scary Movies 3", but this was on another horrible level.
This was the future.
With my last ounce of strength, I managed to scramble up something from my brain...Damn, another "Simpons" quote...but it'll have to do...
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Me: YO...YO...YO...YO..."(cue bluegrass music) some folk'll never lose a toe, but then again some folk'll - like Cleetus, the Slack Jawed yokel. hey what's goin on on this side? brandine, i gots you those boots for you to wear at your JOB interview. naw, those are ugly. you better take those back. UNF, back you go, to wait for a woman with less discriminating taste. (cue bluegrass music) some folk'll never lose a toe, but then again, some folk'll - like Cleetus, the slack jawed yokel. Hey, I can see my mom's house from up here...HEY MAW...GET OFF THE DANG ROOF!"
(The room was silence for a good minute or two. Meanwhile, I slouched over my computer chair in exhaustion. I gave it my best - I have nothing to regret.)
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QuoteMastahXP: wow...the winner is obviously...Fo' Sho again! That was HORRIBLE! Get out and never return!
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So there you go, America. Beware of the new wave of quote battle. Soon, your computer-building friends/family members/pets will be sucked into the fad. This has been a report from me, Alen Chao. Good night, America.