By now, most of you must have heard about the new action thriller, Germination Stage. I’ve found that the most intriguing aspect of the movie is the sense, and how it doesn’t make any.
My brother, let’s call him Jackass, decided to interview me to further explore this conundrum that is my film. Yes, it is highly unorthodox for a host to be interviewed. Yes, indeed.
So we’ve decided to hold the interview at our local Friendly’s restaurant. That was the first mistake.
Waitress: Sorry guys, there aren’t many people working today so the service might be a little slow.
Damn bitch. There goes her tips. As she sat us down in a corner booth furthest away from the door, to hide us Asians from the rest of the customers, the interview began. Jackass decided that we should start to get things flowing, but I suspected that he had an ulterior motive:
Jackass: Alright, so tell me about this movie while we’re waiting for the menus to come.
Me: Very well, jackass. “Germination Stage” is an action-packed adventure that thrills, chills, spills and kills and chills. It’s great for the whole family that’s above the age of thirteen. Did I mention that there’s a lot of car chases and sex scenes? And chills?
Jackass: (Stretching his neck over the wall of the booth to see where the waitress was.) Damn, where is that waitress!…Oh uh…very interesting, tell me more, specifically the main plot this time!
Me: Very well, jackass. The film takes place in the future, and it’s about an ex-CIA agent named Jonathan Codebanks…
Jackass: “Codebank”? That sounds very close to the name of Agent Cody Banks from the movie “Agent Cody Banks”!
Me: WHATEVER! Anyways, Jonathan’s been framed after bring real bullets into a U.N. meeting, and accidentally shot a President.
Jackass: Wait, wait, wait. So he was framed for bringing REAL bullets? WTF?!
Me: Well, it takes place in the future, remember?! And in the future, they carry fake rubber bullets into these high-powered meetings so they don’t kill anyone.
Jackass: Wait, so he brought real bullets and shot a President? Why was he there in the first place?
Me: HE WAS FRAMED! Someone switched the bullets on him when he was being frisked before the meeting. He was suppose to protect the President. And he was shooting at an assassin, the bullet went through the guy and got the President.
Jackass: Wait, I thought Jonathan was a CIA agent, what’s he doing guarding the President?
Me: It’s called “Protective Detail”.
Jackass: …Isn’t that what the Secret Services are for?!?!?!
Me: (Screeching) IT’S IN THE FUTURE!
The screeching got the attention of everyone in the restaurant, which is packed now. It was then the waitress realized that she tucked two Chinks deep within the depth of the restaurant, next to the bathroom. She brought the menus over, and apologized, insincerely. I hissed at her, and that didn’t help the matters much.
Me: OH MI GOD, MY EYES! THAT MACE! SO BURNY!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!1111oneoneone (Host’s note: I actually yelled “oneoneoneone” at the time.)
After a good five minutes of screaming in utter pain, Jackass jumped in and help by splashing his cup of water onto my face. I’m sure the water contained something other than the deadly ice cube you always get at diners, because the parts of my face that the water touched were tingly, and whatever dripped on the table was sizzling. It was advised that we pause the interview and make a quick run back home. I suggested going to the ER, but Jackass said he wanted to get the interview over as soon as possible.
Jackass: So I’m looking over my notes and seeing the movie has something called “The Million Dollar Bill” and its effect on global economy? Could you tell us what that is and how it has to do with the…movie? (Shudders)
Me: Me, mamilmimon allor mmmm mee…
Jackass: Oh, sorry, I think you have to unwrap the bandage on your head. At least just the part that’s covering your mouth.
Me: OH, I CAN BREATHE!…Anyways, the million dollar bill is the first of its kind. After the printing of the first batch of bills, the global economy plummeted.
Jackass: WTF? How?
Me: Well…some national bank in North Africa blew up…along with several millions of dollars in storage.
Jackass: …You’re making this up as you’re going along, aren’t you?
Me: …No, I’m not. Um…well…YOUR MOM!
Jackass: (Sigh) We have the same mom. So IMMEDIATELY after the printing, the bank blows up, disturbing the global economy? So what?
Me: So now, everyone’s back to buying cabbages for ten cents a head, minimum wage is now mere quarters, and people are poor everywhere.
Jackass: How does it play into the movie?
Me: Gunter, the German guy, wanted to take advantage of the situation. He’s heard about the million dollars in America. He figures if he could get someone from the inside to transfer it into his off-shore account, he could start the first phase of his world domination. Germination means to germinate, or something that’s in the process of growing. And it sounds like German. So think about it.
Jackass: I won’t. So what’s the first phase?
Me: Building a machine…a WORLD DOMINATING MACHINE…robot.
Jackass: So several millions should do it?
Me: Well, he also has other people willing to donate some funds for his cause…his WORLD DONMINATING CAUSE!
Jackass: And Gunter finds Jonathan?
Me: Yes, eventually. Gunter said that if Jonathan is willing to bring the millions to him, Gunter will guarantee a spot as Vice-Dictator of the world for him.
Jackass: Oh man, I’m gonna stop the interview right there. I…I can’t take this anymore!
Oh well, I failed to convince Jackass that this movie is still good. Doesn’t matter, I’ve already written the scripts and have chosen the location for filming. In fact, there’s already talks of “Germination Stage II: Electric Kangaroo Boolagoo” in the making.