I remember just a while back that me and this friend of mine (we’ll call him Bernardo) were in a situation where money is involved. And what made the situation difficult to solve was the fact that we had no money at all. So, we went out in front and to the street, and begged for what little change could be handed to us. Finally, after three hours of work, we finally managed to scrap up enough to buy us that stamp. The guy behind the Post Office counter was very happy.
But it doesn’t have to be this way all the time. The following are sure-fire ways to successfully capture that desired item for no money at all. I figured since I’m not funny, I should stop trying to write funny articles. From now on, all the writings here will be for educational purposes.
“But, why, isn’t that STEALING?!” No shit, Sherlock. Now what’s the color of a freaking’ apple? Stealing is an art, perfected by people that steal starting from centuries ago. Those who are caught are the weak amateurs that don’t deserve to practice this art.
Now, I’m not going to tell you how to rob that cubic zirconium in that downtown museum, that’s for me. But, I CAN reveal my secrets on how to steal various items from Wal-Mart. Low prices everyday? Not low enough for me! (It can also be performed in other stores similar to Wal-Mart, except the dollar store. Come on, it‘s a buck!)
It doesn’t take much. You don’t need to wear baggy clothes, but if you wish to do so (to cover what unsightly fat you want hidden), then by all means go for it. To pull off this operation, all you need is a key, small scissor, small plastic bags, and most importantly, a clear route to the bathroom.
Now, walk in nonchalantly. It’s very important that you do not take a cart. Let’s say you are starving, and want a small box of cookie. Take the box by hand, and walk around pretending to look for other stuff. Then hold or grip your crotch gently, enough that you won’t crush it. This signals that you need to use their bathroom facility. It is imperative to perform this act so that the security camera will understand that you need to go to the bathroom.
Upon entering the bathroom, use your key or scissor to cut out the bar code off the box, but don‘t destroy the box, I‘ll explain why later. If you feel daring, open the bag in the box, and eat some right there. It is also advisable that you could place some in the small plastic bags you’ve brought along. Now, reconstruct everything so that it looks like a normal, ready-to-sell box of cookies again. Walk out of the bathroom, look at the box and pretend to be disgusted by it, and place it on the nearest shelf.
Congratulations, you now got a free box, or box-worth, of cookies. If you want some clothes, obviously you can cut off the tags and stuff in the dressing room, and wear it underneath. And obviously you can’t steal a sweater or anything. If you’re cold, steal several clothes at different times to form a multi-layer outfit. So there you go.
By the way, this article, website, and I, are not responsible for you if you get your ass caught. Not at all.