We here at MulderClonesRUs™ know, like your
brings with it many new, exciting, and frankly confusing questions.
This list of Frequently Asked Questions is designed to help you
make the most of the CloneOwning experience. Should you have any questions,
please fill out the form at the bottom of this page and we'll be happy to assist you!
|1) What is a MulderClone?||A
MulderClone is a VIRTUAL fully-functional, healthy, adult, |
basically rational male being,
designed solely for the purpose of cooking,
cleaning, carrying out unpleasant household chores,
delighting his owner in ways too
numerous and graphic to list here.
And he's fully-functional. We mentioned that part, right?
|2) So. . .he's human?||Our
MulderClones are all grown from |
somatic cells harvested from the original Mulder.
(Please don't ask which cells or how we got them;
some things are better left a mystery)
In as much as it is the express corporate
belief of MulderClonesRUs™ that the original
Mulder is human, so, too, are MulderClones.
|3) How can I be
CloneOwning is right for me?
|Ask yourself the following questions:|
If you answered *yes* to one or more of these questions,
|4) Are there any
or ethical ramifications
MulderClone, as stated above, is a virtual human. |
*Do unto others. . .* is pretty much the rule
governing all successful human relationships.
Treat him well, shower him with praise and affection,
tell him how happy you are that you chose him over
that pesky Super Deluxe model,
remind him occasionally that,
no, he doesn't have a lost sister,
and, yes, that must have been some crazy dream,
and, of course, you are telling him the truth,
and you will be amply and frequently
rewarded for your patience.
(Or your money refunded. Please see your guarantee for details)
|5) Are there any
Welcome to cyberspace!
|6) My MulderClone
sweet, sensitive, interested in my health and welfare, a sexual dynamo, and never drops his gun, if you know what I mean. So how can he truly be a clone of the original?
MulderClone starts out, as stated above, as a |
perfect copy of the original.
He is then modified, through imprinting, training,
and our patented *Mould-a-Clone*™ process,
so that only those traits which our clients find
most desirable are present in any given clone.
So, you get a clone who looks, sounds,
and even smells exactly like the original,
but behaves better.
|7) I'd like to know more about this patented *Mould-a-Clone* process.||We
can tell you that it is|
(b) a process.
|8) One MulderClone is great. Wouldn't two be even better?||Like
the original, MulderClones are given to fits|
of jealously, marked by sulking, pouting,
toying with your jewelry, and making
snotty remarks about needing laser light shows
to maintain your interest.
Do you really want that, times 2?
We don't recommend it.
That thing he does.
With his tongue.
My MulderClone is a
clothes-horse and I am going broke trying to keep him in Guccis. How can I convince him there is life beyond Ungaro?
can be difficult, especially with an Armani-equipped MulderClone.
Extensive field-testing has shown, however, that, as much as he
likes a well-cut jacket, and as weak as he is for Italian
leather, your MulderClone is genetically pre-disposed to be even
fonder of flattery.
Therefore, we suggest you remind him, frequently, that any man can look terrific in a $1400 silk suit, but that it takes a complete stud to look fabulous in a pair of Levi's and a $7 Hanes cotton T-shirt from the local Wal-mart. And then, when he actually agrees to don such attire, be sure you show your appreciation.
|11) Erin C.
Will my MulderClone have to be walked or anything, because, frankly, once I get him in the house, I'm not
planning to see natural daylight again for quite awhile.
If you know what I mean.
MulderClone has been equipped with a rapid metabolism and a keen, if
irrational, interest in yoga. Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, walking the dog, shopping for groceries,
weeding the garden,
washing your back, shoveling the snow (where and when appropriate, at least with the newer models) and curling your
pleasure should be enough to keep your MulderClone in excellent
physical shape. |
And, yes, we all have MulderClones, so yes, we all know exactly what you mean.
|12) A curious
potential customer asks:
How much does a MulderClone cost?
MulderClonesRUs, we like to think not in terms of what one of our high
quality, custom spliced products costs, but rather in terms of
value for money. After all, a fully functional virtual man who
actually enjoys cooking, laundering, and getting that brownish
goo out from behind the refrigerator is a rare commodity indeed. We
know that when you compare the cost of any model MulderClone with
the cost of the cook, maid, butler, class *A* mechanic, masseur, yoga
instructor, electronics expert, pilot, chauffeur, gardener, dog
trainer, tax preparer and certified sex therapist you would need to
replace him, you'll see thata MulderClone really is the way to
Which is to say this great service is FREE!
|13) Lisa L. asks: What do I get with my order?||You receive a letter telling you which particular traits have been specifically spliced into your clone, your clone's registration number (which is stamped in teeny tiny letters on the bottom of his left foot -- go check), an address at which to pick up your Genuine Certificate of MulderClone Authenticity, & your name up in lights (eventually) All that for FREE! WOW!|
|14) Someone still confused by it all asks: So you don't actually mail me a living, breathing human?||Oddly enough, no.|
|15) Numerous Enquiring Minds want to know: How long will it take for me to receive confirmation of my order?||Cloning is a rigorous, demanding process. DNA must be procured, genetic mapping done, genes must be spliced, test tubes washed and rewashed, the floors swept, paper work completed, lunch breaks taken, phones answered and email replied to. All in all, it is an extremely labour-intensive and time-consuming process. Although we try to fill orders as quickly as possible, it can sometimes take as much as 4 weeks. Rest assured that all that time is being used to create the perfect clone for you!|
|16) Some have wondered : I ordered a MulderClone 6 months ago, and I have still not received him. Why?||Like all incredibly
advanced, cutting-edge, high-tech, the-future-today companies, MCRU
occasionally runs into a computer and/or email glitch. We apologize for
any inconvenience, and ask you to please|
|17) Many have questioned: Isn't slavery both wrong and bad?||Yes. Quite.|
Do you have a question about
****A question you'd want your mother to read???****
Submit it here and our friendly customer service reps will be happy to help you!
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