We here at MulderClonesRUs™ know, like your MulderClone, CloneOwning
brings with it many new, exciting, and frankly confusing questions.
This list of Frequently Asked Questions is designed to help you
make the most of the CloneOwning experience. Should you have any questions,
please fill out the form at the bottom of this page and we'll be happy to assist you!

1) What is a MulderClone? A MulderClone is a VIRTUAL fully-functional, healthy, adult,
basically rational male being,
designed solely for the purpose of cooking,
cleaning, carrying out unpleasant household chores,
delighting his owner in ways too
numerous and graphic to list here.

And he's fully-functional. We mentioned that part, right?
2) So. . .he's human? Our MulderClones are all grown from
somatic cells harvested from the original Mulder.

(Please don't ask which cells or how we got them;
some things are better left a mystery)

In as much as it is the express corporate
belief of
MulderClonesRUsthat the original
Mulder is human, so, too, are MulderClones.
3) How can I be sure
CloneOwning is right for me?
Ask yourself the following questions:
(a) Do I have a pulse?

(b) Do I find Mulder attractive?

(c) Do I understand that the REAL Mulder
belongs with the REAL Scully, but
can't help wishing that I, too,
could get me some of that?

(d) Can I use a special someone
around the house to cook, clean, balance my
checkbook, scratch my back,
and tell me how relentlessly gorgeous I am?

(e) Do I have enough in my bank account to pay
for this modestly priced marvel of biological
science, or barring that, can I get a loan?

If you answered *yes* to one or more of these questions,
(and (e)), then CloneOwnership is right for you,
and you are right for CloneOwnership.

4) Are there any moral
or ethical ramifications
to CloneOwnership?
Your MulderClone, as stated above, is a virtual human.
*Do unto others. . .* is pretty much the rule
governing all successful human relationships.
Treat him well, shower him with praise and affection,
tell him how happy you are that you chose him over
that pesky Super Deluxe model,
remind him occasionally that,
no, he doesn't have a lost sister,
and, yes, that must have been some crazy dream,
and, of course, you are telling him the truth,
and you will be amply and frequently
rewarded for your patience.

(Or your money refunded. Please see your guarantee for details)
5) Are there any legal
to CloneOwnership?

Heck no.

Welcome to cyberspace!
6) My MulderClone is
sweet, sensitive, interested in my health and welfare, a sexual dynamo, and never drops his gun, if you know what I mean. So how can he truly be a clone of the original?
Your MulderClone starts out, as stated above, as a
perfect copy of the original.
He is then modified, through imprinting, training,
and our patented *Mould-a-Clone*™ process,
so that only those traits which our clients find
most desirable are present in any given clone.
So, you get a clone who looks, sounds,
and even smells exactly like the original,
but behaves better.

Much better.
7) I'd like to know more about this patented *Mould-a-Clone* process. We can tell you that it is

(a) patented,
(b) a process.

8) One MulderClone is great. Wouldn't two be even better? Like the original, MulderClones are given to fits
of jealously, marked by sulking, pouting,
toying with your jewelry, and making
snotty remarks about needing laser light shows
to maintain your interest.

Do you really want that, times 2?

We don't recommend it.
9) Ummmm...

That thing he does.

With his tongue.

10) Euphrosyne asks:
My MulderClone is a
clothes-horse and I am going broke trying to keep him in Guccis. How can I convince him there is life beyond Ungaro?
This can be difficult, especially with an Armani-equipped MulderClone. Extensive field-testing has shown, however, that, as much as he likes a well-cut jacket, and as weak as he is for Italian leather, your MulderClone is genetically pre-disposed to be even fonder of flattery. 

Therefore, we suggest you remind him, frequently, that any man can look terrific in a $1400 silk suit, but that it takes a complete stud to look fabulous in a pair of Levi's and a $7 Hanes cotton T-shirt from the local Wal-mart. And then, when he actually agrees to don such attire, be sure you show your appreciation.


11) Erin C. asks:
Will my MulderClone have to be walked or anything, because, frankly, once I get him in the house, I'm not
planning to see natural daylight again for quite awhile.

If you know what I mean.
Your MulderClone has been equipped with a rapid metabolism and a keen, if irrational, interest in yoga. Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, walking the dog, shopping for groceries, weeding the garden, washing your back, shoveling the snow (where and when appropriate, at least with the newer models) and curling your toes with pleasure should be enough to keep your MulderClone in excellent physical shape.

And, yes, we all have MulderClones, so yes, we all know exactly what you mean.
12) A curious potential customer asks:
How much does a MulderClone cost?
At MulderClonesRUs, we like to think not in terms of what one of our high quality, custom spliced products costs, but rather in terms of value for money. After all, a fully functional virtual man who actually enjoys cooking, laundering, and getting that brownish goo out from behind the refrigerator is a rare commodity indeed. We know that when you compare the cost of any model MulderClone with the cost of the cook, maid, butler, class *A* mechanic, masseur, yoga instructor, electronics expert, pilot, chauffeur, gardener, dog trainer, tax preparer and certified sex therapist you would need to replace him, you'll see thata MulderClone really is the way to go!

Which is to say this great service is FREE!
13) Lisa L. asks: What do I get with my order? You receive a letter telling you which particular traits have been specifically spliced into your clone, your clone's registration number (which is stamped in teeny tiny letters on the bottom of his left foot -- go check), an address at which to pick up your Genuine Certificate of MulderClone Authenticity, & your name up in lights (eventually) All that for FREE! WOW!
14) Someone still confused by it all asks: So you don't actually mail me a living, breathing human? Oddly enough, no.
15) Numerous Enquiring Minds want to know: How long will it take for me to receive confirmation of my order? Cloning is a rigorous, demanding process. DNA must be procured, genetic mapping done, genes must be spliced, test tubes washed and rewashed, the floors swept, paper work completed, lunch breaks taken, phones answered and email replied to. All in all, it is an extremely labour-intensive and time-consuming process. Although we try to fill orders as quickly as possible, it can sometimes take as much as 4 weeks. Rest assured that all that time is being used to create the perfect clone for you!
16) Some have wondered : I ordered a MulderClone 6 months ago, and I have still not received him. Why? Like all incredibly advanced, cutting-edge, high-tech, the-future-today companies, MCRU occasionally runs into a computer and/or email glitch. We apologize for any inconvenience, and ask you to please
try again.
17) Many have questioned: Isn't slavery both wrong and bad? Yes. Quite.


Do you have a question about CloneOwnership?
****A question you'd want your mother to read???****
Submit it here and our friendly customer service reps will be happy to help you!

Email MCRU



The XFiles is the property of Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox Broadcasting. Used without permission.