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| Thursday, August 3 2000 12:11 2 Av 5760 |
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When parents knock each other, kids get
brainwashed It sounds like a condition affecting stressed-out, nerve-frazzled parents trying to entertain their children and finance activities for them during two months of school vacation. In fact, Parental Alienation Syndrome is a completely different and sinister phenomenon: the systematic denigration of one parent (and often his or her family and friends) by the other with the intent of alienating their child from that parent. The aim of these actions is usually to gain or retain custody while preventing the other parent from being in contact with and raising the child. The syndrome, well known to Americans but not Israelis, is a likely candidate for inclusion in the next (fifth) edition of that bible of psychiatrists, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association. The study of PAS has been led since the Seventies by Dr. Richard Gardner, a psychiatrist at New York's Columbia University, who has written numerous books, including The Parental Alienation Syndrome, and many journal articles on PAS. He has his own Web site (www.rgardner.com), and recently initiated the establishment of the Parental Alienation Syndrome Research Foundation in Washington to conduct scientific studies in the field. In that book, Gardner maintained that most parental alienators were women who had custody of their children and sent out to them intentional or subconscious messages against the fathers. "Many of these children proudly state that their decision to reject their fathers is their own," Gardner wrote. "They deny any contribution from their mothers. And the mothers often support this vehemently. In fact, the mothers will often state that they want the child to visit with the father and recognize the importance of such involvement; yet such a mother's every act indicates otherwise. "Such children appreciate that by stating the decision is their own, they assuage mother's guilt and protect her from criticism." More recently, Gardner has updated his findings. He now says men are as likely as women to be alienators. "One probable explanation for this phenomenon relates to the fact that fathers are increasingly enjoying expanded visitation time with their children in association with the increasing popularity of shared parenting programs. The more time a father has with his children, the more time he has to program them if he is inclined to do so. "Another factor operative here probably relates to the fact that with increasing recognition of PAS, fathers have learned about the disorder and have decided to use the same psychological weapons described in my book (especially the money and power factors). "Another factor operative in the gender shift has been the programming of children by abusive fathers during the months and even years before an anticipated separation. Recognizing the fact that the marriage will ultimately dissolve, they prepare beforehand for the inevitable separation by starting the programming early." Gardner compares PAS with the brainwashing of young people in cults. "To think that one can provide such youngsters simply with psychotherapy - while they still remain living in the cult compound - is simpleminded. Even if the child were treated seven sessions per week, one session each day, all of the remaining time would be spent in the compound with ongoing exposure to the cult indoctrinations. "PAS children need deprogramming just like cult children, and it's likely to be effective only when the child is removed from direct exposure to the indoctrinators." PAS EXPERTS have delineated the behavior of three types of alienators: naive, active, and obsessed. The naive alienator would say: "Tell your father that he has more money than I do, so let him buy your soccer shoes." Such parents mean well and recognize the importance of the kids having a healthy relationship with the other parent, and they avoid making the other parent a target. The active alienator, however, would say: "I don't want you to tell your father that I earned this extra money. The miser will take it from his child-support check that will keep us from going to Disneyworld. You remember he did this before when we wanted to go to Grandma's for the holidays." This type have trouble controlling their frustration, bitterness, or hurt, and lash out in such a way as to cause or reinforce alienation against the targeted parent, after which they usually feel guilty. The obsessed alienator's approach is: "I love my children. If the court can't protect them from their abusive father, I will. Even though he's never abused the children, I know it's a matter of time." They are determined to destroy the children's relationship with the targeted parent, sometimes becoming delusional and irrational. They have an unquenchable anger because they believe that the targeted parent has victimized them and they want the court to punish the other parent. One Israeli woman who knows PAS personally is Esther (a pseudonym), an observant woman and mother of four who finally divorced her husband a year ago but is still struggling to be in contact with her children. She recalls with much pain that he mentally abused her, ridiculing her constantly in front of the children. She says he gradually took over household chores and routine decisions "to make it easier" for her, but when she wanted some power herself she was denied all freedom of action. He even used religion against her, telling the children that her level of observance was not adequate. It got so bad that she left home, unable to take any more. But this gave her husband the opportunity to "brainwash" the children against her. Although the court stipulated that the children should visit her several afternoons a week and spend Shabbat with her every few weeks, Esther says that when she calls, her ex-husband often makes excuses: "They're asleep, they're in the bathtub, they're eating dinner." ESTHER IS a member of Jerusalem's only PAS support group, which meets at the Hineni Center every few weeks. Many of the participants, who pay no fee, are, like her, religious former immigrants from English-speaking countries. This is not surprising, says Gideon Braude, a PAS victim himself who established the Jerusalem support group and another one in Tel Aviv. The groups represent a cross-section of Israeli society - religious, nonreligious, men and women - and every socioeconomic level. "Since Israelis' awareness of parental alienation syndrome is close to nil," Braude explains, "it's natural that Anglos familiar with the term from their time abroad would join such groups. And observant people form the majority of immigration from English-speaking countries." Braude, a secular, native-born Israeli, has an eight-year-old son he hasn't been able to see for years. His partner, whom he never married, said she didn't want him "in the picture" just six months after the baby was born. "People who knew about the case told me: 'Find some other girl to marry, and make another child.' But they don't understand. Being separated from your own child is terribly traumatic, and it never leaves you. And you don't just 'make' a baby like some machine." Braude (tel. 052-633749), who works in investment banking and raises funds for hi-tech industry, is also founder and chairman of Defense for Children Interna tional-Israel Section, a Jerusalem-based voluntary group that fights for children's rights (02-563-3003). Esther says rabbinical-court judges are totally ignorant of the syndrome, while their counterparts in the secular family courts are only a little bit better. "When my children appeared in the beit din and mouthed nasty names and descriptions of me that they had heard from their father, the rabbi said: 'If they say such bad things about you maybe you really are a bad parent.' "Although I presented documentation of PAS, he entirely missed the point." BEING together with other PAS victims, receiving information and reporting developments to others is very comforting to support-group members, says Braude. "Before joining, they think they're the only ones in the world to be put in such a situation. In the group they learn that there are many suffering like them. One man in the group has a three-year-old child; he's spent NIS 200,000 so far on lawyers and court fees to get the right to spend time with him." While parent alienators who browbeat children into refusing to see the other parent risk acting in contempt of court, few PAS victims have the strength to file complaints with the police when a scheduled encounter is canceled by the alienator, says Esther. And while psychiatric or psychological treatment for the children is important it's very rare here, and few professionals are expert in this field. "But even if there were plenty of experts, the parental alienator certainly opposes therapy for these emotionally abused children and it's hard to get the kids to get help," says Braude, who believes that prevention and awareness of the syndrome are thus his organization's main aim. Hadash MK Tamar Gozansky is interested in the syndrome and plans to push through legislation protecting the status of children in such a situation. Increased awareness will help parents identify themselves as victims of PAS, and judges, social workers, psychologists, rabbis, and rabbinical court advocates will understand the phenomenon when they encounter it. One of the most important steps toward this aim is organizing a professional, interdisciplinary conference on PAS, which they hope will convene sometime next year. Such an event will undoubtedly get professionals talking about the syndrome, giving the subject legitimacy in Israel.
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