Title: Night of the Hummus
Author: meagan
Summary: Someone comes up with a plan.
Spoilers: "Graduation 2." Yes, I managed to get a copy. See the dedication.
Disclaimer: Of *course* they belong to someone else. I could never come up with characters like this. Specifically, they belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, WB (even though they *really* don't deserve these guys after this whole cancellation thing), and anyone else I forgot.
Rating: I'm going with PG on this one.
Distribution: Please ask.
Feedback: Um, sure. I've been listening to the voices again.
Note: NOT part of the unnamed series I've been working on. Sometimes it's scary where my mind just goes with no warning.
Dedication: To the anonymous person who put G2 up at Geocities (it's like the _BtVS_ Underground).
Warning: This whole thing is based on a quote from G2 (honestly, I don't think it's a major plot point, so all it really ruins is the surprise of hearing this particular line. I can't even remember if all the characters I decided to put in this discussion were really there at this point of the ep). The more I thought about it, the more it seemed vaguely plausible. And then the more I thought it through, the sillier it got. I apologize in advance. Spoiler space here for those who don't want to know any more about it.
The quote: "We attack the mayor with hummus." -- Oz, responding to Cordelia's pronouncement that they could not come up with a sillier plan.
Now for the story. Short, but what do you expect from something based on that line?
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"We attack the mayor with hummus."
The group stared at Oz in shock. They realized he was joking, of course, but still, what kind of plan was that? True, it would be unexpected, but what good would a garbanzo-based attack do?
"Wait -- that could actually work." Now stunned eyes turned to Xander. "The mayor's sidekicks are vampires, right? If there's one thing I've learned in my years as Snackboy, it's the major ingredients of certain foods. And hummus is made out of chickpeas, sesame seeds, lemon juice -- and garlic. The more garlic, the better." The group still stared at him, not quite understanding what he was getting at. "Come on, guys -- garlic? Vampires? Does any of this ring a bell?" Finally, realization dawned on the faces of those staring at him. "The down side is that Angel can't help." Not that Xander considered that to be a bad thing. "And I know the perfect place to get it. The Oasis Cafe down the street has killer hummus. And I hope to mean that literally." The group quickly made a list of all restaurants in the area that could possibly have pungent garlic dishes, dividing the list so each person had a more manageable number of businesses to raid.
Xander began outlining his plan so they knew how much garlic-based products they would need. "Okay, once the vamps get inside, seal the perimeter. We'll just pour a line of this stuff around the whole place."
"Like that stuff you pour across the doorway to kill ants!" Willow's enthusiasm was infectious.
Oz chimed in, "And we can stash buckets of balloons filled with this stuff to use as hummusbombs. Like waterballoons."
"Or condoms," his girlfriend attempted to murmur in a low voice meant only for him, but, because of her enthusiasm for the plan, everyone in the room heard.
Grinning, he tightened his arm around her waist. "Actually, that's a better idea. They'd be easier to fill than balloons."
And so Angel was sent to stock up on latex products. "Non-lubricated!" Giles knew from experience how slippery the other kind could be.
Several hours later, the group of smelly teens gathered to begin the fight for their future. Angel took a step back from them, the stench forcing him to realize he was going to be unable to even watch the events about to unfold -- and realizing that was Xander's plan. Calling once again on his experience as a soldier a year and a half previously, the teen directed the troops. Condoms filled with hummus were distributed and handled as if they were grenades.
Xander noticed Angel edging away from the group. Quietly, he spoke to the vampire. "Hey. I'm sorry it has to be like this, but it's the only thing I could think of on such short notice." Smiling, he added, "Actually, I'm not sorry. Get out of here. Go far, far away." Recognizing the sadness those words created, he added, "Some place you'll be safe." Then, the final words that made Angel's decision: "Some place I can find you tomorrow. Consider this payback for Faith."
Grimacing, Angel replied, "You had to bring her up." He turned to address the rest of the group. "Good luck." On his way out, he passed Willow and Oz, his attention caught by the scent of them on each other. He grinned. Young lust is a powerful thing. It can be distracting, tearing focus away from the task at hand, or it can become the entire reason for the fight. With those two, he was willing to bet the latter was the case.
He paused next to the table covered with blueprints and condoms, waiting for Xander to tell him to leave once again. When Xander finally looked his way, Angel looked directly into his eyes and quickly pocketed a handful of the contraceptive devices.
He was counting on the young lust of more than two people fueling this fight.
~~~ the end ~~~