THE COMPLETE SARDARJI ENCYCLOPEDIA - Best of Sardar
I know most of them commonly flooded in the email but this one is cumulative of few good ones.
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* THE COMPLETE SARDARJI ENCYCLOPEDIA **
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Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
**********************
Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
"Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up.
**********************
Our Sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He
promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column "Salary Expected" :
He was not sure as to what to be filled there.
After much thought he wrote : Yes
**********************
Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of
crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and
watch him killing a huge one.
He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims:-
"Ah, 71st and again barefoot!"
**********************
A Sardar goes into a store and sees a shining object.
He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."
The Sardar then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things
cold."
The Sardar says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.
His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with
you?"
He said, "It's a thermos flask."
The boss then says, "What does it do?"
He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
**********************
A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere
in Punjab.
But two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints
like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai"
********************
What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!
*********************
What will a Sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of
paper? (he already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a
photcopy of the white paper !!!
*******************
Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were
planning for free Punjab.
Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how
would we develop it?"
That was a difficult question indeed.
Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it would
take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll
automatically get developed." All the surds became happy at this
very
simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word.
Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.
The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY
CHANCE
WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"
**********************
Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and
returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy
this
TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise
this
time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then
waited
a
few days before he again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
**********************
Why did 18 Sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
**********************
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
**********************
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
**********************
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
**********************
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
**********************
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his
ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
**********************
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
**********************
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
**********************
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
**********************
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
**********************
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
**********************
What do you call a Sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
**********************
What do you call a Sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh. ('T' silent!).
**********************
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
**********************
Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
**********************
How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
**********************
Why can't Sardar dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone.
**********************
How do you get Sardar on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
**********************
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
**********************
What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
**********************
Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a
regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
**********************
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for300
days, he would loose 34 kilos.
At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had
lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."
**********************
Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station.
Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Gani Singh.
**********************
A Sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start
approaching he is cowering in his seat when his
friend
asks him "Kyon Sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema
hi to hai"
Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, isliye pata hai ki cinema
hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "
**********************
Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he
takes along some wine and chicken with him.
Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?"
Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na mar
jaun"
**********************
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave
the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up
when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for
20 Rupees,
the
Sardarji deserved more service.
So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his
beard.
When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went
home.
Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when
he saw the mirror.
Said his wife " What's the matter?"
Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken
up someone else."
**********************
Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started
thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing;
what are you thanking God for?"
The Sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I
wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
**********************
Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate
"Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese."
"How come you write 'Chinese' when both parents are Sikh?"
" Aah, I read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the
Earth now is a Chinese."
**********************
Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space.
The ground control issues commands
"Rubi!" "Woof!" (it's the barking sound) "Press the red button."
"Woof! Woof!"
"Moti!"
"Woof!" "Press the white button."
"Woof! Woof!"
"Sardarji!" "Woof."
"Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
**********************
Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a
ClockTower
when
someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji
says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The man took the thousand and disappeared.
having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for
a ride.
On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street
and the sameman asks him to buy the clock.
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This
time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
**********************
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay.
They managed to get into a double-decker bus.
Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate
Banta
got
pushed to the top.
After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see
friend Banta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the
seats in front with both hands, scared to death.
He says, "Arre Banta Singh ! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so
scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?
Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.*"
**********************
Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "
I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up
the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and
stuck
it to my ear."
" Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But ..what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
**********************
Santa Singh is called for an interview in some firm.
He lands there on time.
He is immediately hauled inside in front of the interviewing officer.
Officer looks at Santa Singh then goes through his certificates and
then starts asking him questions.
ollowing is the transcript :
O : Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications & credentials I
would like to ask you only some simple questions.If you can answer
those then you are selected. First we will start with some opposites
S : Yes Sir.
Officer started asking questions
O : Above
S : Below
O : Front
S : Back
O : Left
S : Right
O : Male
S : Female
O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)
S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi) O : Ugly...U-G-L-Y( Officer
spells it) S : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y( Our Sardar also
spells it)
O : U.....G.....L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts) S : P ..... I ..... C
..... H ....... H ......L.....
Y......(Our Sardar also shouts) Officer is now angry.
O : Get out
S : Come in.
O : Quiet please.
S : Talk please.
O : You are rejected.
S : I am selected
................................ and This is how Santa Singh got his job.
**********************
A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily.
After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin
instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"
To this the the Sardar replies,
"Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, "Wash Basin".
**********************
Santa Singh got up in the middle of the night to answer the
telephone.
"Is this one one one one one?", says the voice.
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the
night."
"That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone
anyway."
**********************
Once Santa Singh broke his leg when he threw His cigarette butt down
the manhole and tried to step on it.
**********************
Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match
on
the
seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light.
He tried another. It wouldn't light.
The third one finally lit.
He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his
vest pocket.
"What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?"
"That's a good match. I'll use it again."
***********************
A Sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway.
Asks a bystander as to why're the guys doing what they're doing.
The bystander: A Marathon race is going on
Sardar: What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize Sardar : Then why are the
others running?!
************************
Then there's the one about the Sardarji who brought his binoculars to
a funeral where they were going to bury a DISTANT relative of his...
**********************
One Sardar came to Madras and wanted to do shopping in Burma bazaar.
His Tamilian friend told the Sardar that the prices will be costly
and hence asked him to bargain for half the price.
Sardar went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told
2000 Rs.
Sardar asked for Rs.1000.
Vendor told he can give for Rs.1800 for which Sardar told no, no only
Rs.900.
Vendor told ok, I will give it for Rs. 1500 Rs. for which Sardar
bargained
for Rs.750.
It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation said
he will give the Sardar the tereo free of cost.
"Our Sardar asked whether he will give two."
**********************
A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery.
He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
Our Sardar says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, Sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a
million
today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years. "
Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I
want it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a million that day
and the rest during the next 19 years.
Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! if
you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my
1 dollar back!"
**********************
Sardar Banta Singh went to the emergency room with the tip of his
index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," Banta Singh replied.
The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face
would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just
paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened.
So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a
loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.
**********************
A Sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird
flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it
was
directly over him.
The Sardar says, "It is good that cows don't fly."
**********************
Sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up
and says " Hello, how did you know I was here?"
**********************
How many Sardars does it take to pull off a kidnapping?
Six.
One to kidnap the victim and five to write the ransom note.
**********************
Why are Sardar secret agents the best in the world?
Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been
assigned to.
**********************
Did you hear about the Sardar who signed all his checks so no one
else could use them if he lost his checkbook?
**********************
Did you hear about the Sardar who asked his friends to give him all
of their burnt out light bulbs?
He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.
**********************
Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day.
"Why", his friend Santa Singh asked him, "are you wearing two
jackets?".
"Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can says 'put on
two coats'."
**********************
A Sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the
middle of a highway.
On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the
following day less than a mile.
Then the foreman asked the Sardar why he kept painting less each day,
He replied "I just can't do any better. Each day
I
keep getting farther away
from the paint can."
**********************
Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
They're there for those who don't drink.
**********************
Why do Sardars have see-through lunch box lids?
So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to
work or coming home.
**********************
A Sardar, a Japanese, and a British were lost in the desert.
They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they
had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as
they continued their journey.
The Japanese took the radiator, the British took the seat, and the
Sardar took the door.
After a while of walking the British asked the Japanese "I'm
confused, why did you bring the radiator?"
The Japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid."
Next the Sardar asked the British "Why did you bring the seat?"
So the British said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the
sand. I can sit on this comfortable eat."
Finally the Japanese asked the Sardar why he had chosen the door.
The Sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets
hot all I have to do is roll down the window."
**********************
Why couldn't the Sardar write the number "eleven"?
He didn't know which "one" came first...
**********************
Did you hear about the Sardar skydiver?
He missed the Earth!
**********************
A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Sardar walk into a pub.
They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about
to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their
pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Sardar too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the
beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT "
**********************
The Sardarji Doctor to his patient:
"It's very important that you take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain."
**********************
One foggy evening two Sardarjis went out walking.
One of the Sardarji was holding a flashlight, and suddenly he said to his friend:
"Why don't you just climb up this light-beam when I am holding the flashlight upwards like this?"
His friend looked at him and answered, "No, I can't do that Because
if I did, you would just turn off the light, and I would fall down."
**********************
The Sardarji doctor was so afraid of bacteria, that he cooked his ice-cubes before he put them in his drink.
**********************
A Sardarji was in a night-club in New York, dancing with a beautiful woman.
He whispered into her ear, "I love you." She smiled and whispered back, "I love you too!"
There was a little pause. (The Sardarji was thinking!)
Then he whispered, "I love you three."
**********************
There were these two Sardarji twins who looked so incredibly alike, that sometimes they borrowed money from each other without the other really knowing who of the two borrowed it. .
**********************
Boss tells his new employee, "Santa Singh, I'll give you 10 bucks an
hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 20 bucks
an hour. So when would you like to start?"Santa replied, "In
3 months." (
geocities.com/meanlife2000/HaHa) (
geocities.com/meanlife2000)