foreword from the author now I know what you must be thinking. Well he’s short and has bad hair, but something just doesn’t feel right. Wait a minute, he’s not clay. That’s right, I’m not Clay. But as inevitably happens to all great artists, the first clay copycat has reared it’s ugly head. So I humbly present to you "0.005 leagues under the sea" alternately titled " 75 feet under water, it’s really hard to pee". Please keep in mind that not everyone will get all the inside jokes. If you don't get it, it doesn't mean it isn't funny, it just means nobody likes you (kidding)

Day One

Our adventure began early Thursday morning as our merry band of misfits boarded the HMS Minnow (you heard me right, the minnow. feel free to hum along as you read this). After sailing out to the first dive spot and donning our scuba gear (editors note, this body was not made for spandex, neoprene, or anything of the sort) someone thought to ask what to do if they had to go to the bathroom. Diver gene responded "well, there's two types of divers, the kind that go in their wetsuits and the kind that lie about it." armed with this valuable knowledge I got into the water. While bobbing along waiting for the others to get in, I happened to look down and see a 4-foot shark swimming where we were supposedly heading. "um, can I get back in the boat now". Not allowed to get back in the boat, we descended to the bottom (the shark had left the area). The rest of the dive went without incident (except for other Dave losing his new dive watch) and at this point I should let you know that breathing under water is fucking wicked slick. We did two more dives that day (and found OD’s watch). After some power napping it was time to hit the town. Oh wait, apparently there's nothing to do in key largo at night. So after dinner we took our beer to the porch where a kindly local docked below showed us just how loud his stereo could play Bruce Springstein’s greatest hits.

Day Two

Yeah, it's still early. The first dive was going smoothly as we swam single file around the reef. Was going smoothly until we rounded that corner. As I rounded the corner at the tail end of the group a 5 foot nurse shark (despite the woosy name, still pretty imposing) swam out of a cave between me and OD. Remaining calm, I stopped swimming as the shark went under my leg to keep from kicking it (I’m told it's rude to kick sharks in the head when in their home). After the shark passed I let out some swear words, something to the effect of "glub glub glub". Nobody at the front of the line even saw the shark. Oh yeah, I think this was the dive Julia lost her weight belt and floated back to the surface on (but that didn't involve me so it's not as important-kidding). The second dive was off a wrecked ship which was cool. To keep the danger level high we managed to track down the giant green eel (boat captain Jeff said his name was Goliath). Oh yeah, we also became certified divers. To celebrate we had victory cigars on the patio that evening. On a personal note I managed to blow several smoke rings (I know I’m pathetic but sometimes small victories are all we have).

Day Three

You guessed it, still early. As certified divers we now possessed great knowledge. Most importantly, don't smoke cigars the night before you go diving cause it's hard to cough up phlegm underwater. Deciding that the adrenaline rush was wearing off, we went in search of bigger game. Hey, isn't that a black tipped reef shark over there? Um, maybe we won't search for bigger game after all. On the boat in between dives, Captain Jeff showed why he makes the big bucks. "see that girl working on that boat over there?" he asked? (pointing to the hot chick on the next boat) "she's single, just something to keep in mind if your out on the town tonight. You've got something in common now that you're one with the sea." on the second dive things took a turn for the worse. Using our patent pending navigation method of I don't know, lets go that way. OD and I ended up with no clue where we were. After surfacing we were able to spot the boat, a long way away. We set the compass and were off. Unfortunately, due to the tide and my natural ability to be lost, we overshot the boat and were just as far away on the other side. I don't need to tell you that we made it back, but I was tired and therefore needed a nap. That night we hit one of the local bars (good white guy reggae rock band called Baga Tricks) I of course managed to not hit on the attractive girl who kept looking around the bar for someone to hit on her. I did manage to put up a 12 under (one off the course record) on golden tee fore.

Day Four

Yep, still not a fan of this early business. The first dive of the day was a drift dive at 75 feet below. Seems simple enough but Carlson sucked down so much air that it only lasted like 20 minutes (editors note: Carlson was usually the first one out of air by quite a large margin. he claims he was just trying to get his moneys worth). On the way down we did see a giant sting ray about 4 feet across. The second dive we went to a place with large schools of fish (hundreds of them). After a while we no longer saw large schools of fish. Those who have been paying attention have probably guessed that we were lost again. After surfacing we were able to spot the boat, (yeah, this is getting old) and man was it far away. After swimming forever (and taunting some barracuda) we managed to get back to the boat. Or at least we thought we got back to the boat. We surfaced only to realize that we had swam to the wrong boat. Luckily we didn't get on it cause captain Jeff later informed us that if his divers got on another boat he had to buy that boats captain a case of beer. Which of course meant we had to buy that boats captain a case of beer. In any event, we eventually made it to our boat. We made one more dive that was pretty much uneventful (which underwater is still pretty cool).

The next day we got up (thankfully not at 7:00 in the morning) and headed home. Unfortunately, I was denied my lunch at checkers cause we couldn't find it (who would have guessed) on the way back to the airport.