So there I was, on the way out of class going back to my car. Yes, I get paid by your tax dollars, to get my PhD. Not only that, I get to do it during normal work hours with no penalty. Yeah, I rule.

But not that day. Getting to the car, I noticed a problem; no keys. Damn. Perhaps I left them…yep, in the car. Right on the seat in plain view. After about 5 minutes trying to force the door, I resorted to asking complete strangers if they had coat hangers. Great, now I'm the town weirdo.

Finally I break down and call for campus security. So this guy comes out with the Slim Jim to take care of the problem. Nice enough guy, but he sure does talk a lot. During the time he's telling me about his background and all, I realize he's a bit large. Perhaps 5'7", but nearly 300lbs. Ok, probably only 250lbs, but still, he was round. Now he's babbling something about just moving here, not knowing anyone, etc, when all of a sudden, "so, maybe we could go out sometime?"

Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Now I'm in a quandary. How do I say, "Look, maybe if you could literally catch me, but ?." Without sounding like an ass? Worse, should I say 'no' in any form, considering he hasn't unlocked the door yet? Without too much of a pause, I finally managed a smile and a "well, I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that (in a joking way)."

Would that work? Would he sit on me? Yes and no. Seemingly not too hurt, he continued on with his duties and we parted ways with no further incident. Now I just had to get home to some hungry, angry dogs. Perhaps the Simpson message of "as intelligence increases, happiness decreases" really is true?

Susan "I don't think I really need that much man" Cohen