Hello Horicon!

Emphasis on "Hor". As in horrible, not whore. The first for a multitude of reasons I’ll get to shortly. The latter because outside of the seedy parts of LA and Vegas, fat people can’t be hoes. I think I’ll break things up in groups, like ‘people’, ‘driving’, ‘foods’, ‘weather’. Let’s do this the Wisconsin way – we’ll work backwards.

So let’s start with the weather. Oh sure, you know I’m going to say, "Oh my God, it’s cold." And it really is, but that’s not what bothers me. "What, is he joking?! Surely he’d be bitching about the cold!" But I can’t. Mainly because that part of my brain (and most of my limbs) have been instantly frozen numb. As soon as I stepped outside the airport I noticed a lack of feeling. Nowhere in particular, it seemed to be a full body experience. And while this was annoying at first, I have since learned to adapt to the culture surrounding me. That is, I have learned to enjoy childhood Wisconsin classic games like, ‘Watch each others snot freeze’ and ‘I can break off my frost-bitten fingers faster than you’. Oh, what fun!

But what really gets me about this weather is the retards I’m surrounded by. Just today I saw a TV ad for "Vacation Wisconsin". Who the f-ck would come here? Did anyone notice that even the pretty summer scenes they were sowing, people still had sweaters with them? Hello! But that’s not even the worst. If I here the standard ‘Do You Like The Seasonal’ (DOLTS) weather exchange:

I may have to go on yet another patented ‘Tri-State Killing Spree’

Now let’s move to foods. Or should I say food. I say this because there only seems to be one source of food here: hotdogs. Franks, Dogs, Sausage, whatever you want to call it, the main source of sustenance here is wiener-based. Of course, the only thing worse than that is all the variety of ways you can get cheese with that. Oddly enough here on ‘Dairy Planet’, I haven’t seen to many cows (outside of the locals). Which is really amazing when you factor in that given the clarity of the skyline and the flatness of the lad, I can almost see my house from here.

Which brings us to driving. The aforementioned flatness brings into play quite an anomaly. You can see where you are trying to go, but due to the vastness of the land, you never actually seem to get there. It’s always further than you think. That by itself isn’t so bad, it’s when you combine it with a serious lack of signs and previously honed driving skills that it becomes an issue. Apparently the good folks of WI are afraid of signs. At first I found this odd, but now I think I’ve figured out why: they can’t count and can’t read.

The first is easy to recognize because they simply stop using numbers for roadways and begin to use letters. So instead of HWY 64, they use a sign that says County A. WTF? Sometimes it’s County VV, wherein the letters go below the word County. Since HWYs typically have even numbers going East-West and odd numbers going North-South, how do letters work? As for spelling, these flaws are easy to point out – most of the words here don’t have enough vowels. Someone tried to explain this as ‘ethnic related’ but frankly I think it’s a fundamental breakdown in the educational system.

Next, there’s this whole speed thing. Or lack thereof. I mean, every limit here is at least 10mph lower than then equivalent in NC (and maybe another 5mph lower than it should be). I have easily been traveling a consistent 15-20mph over the posted speed limits without even noticing it. And I thought the northerners called the southerners slow?! Seriously, I think I got ‘walked down’ by a lady with a cane today. Damn, this is crazy.

Overall the people are quite nice. But that’s it. The accent drives me nuts and frankly I think I look out and see ugly as far as the eye can see. There’s a whole population of men, women and children here who have repeated heard that time-honored motherly advice, "Don’t worry (name), real beauty is on the inside."