Oh Brother, Where Art Though?

Where haven’t I been?! Fuquay, St Louis, Moline, St Louis, Raleigh, Augusta, Halifax, Raleigh, Myrtle Beach.

Actually, I wasn’t supposed to be in Halifax and I don’t get to Myrtle til this weekend. As this shows, I’m so tired of traveling, I’m confused. So I will be putting out emails about various trips, but the timelines may be off. As such, this string of emails may not go in order.

Food and Bodily Functions

Speaking of not in order, I’m sitting here on hold. 19 minutes. Dammit, I have to go to the bathroom. I can’t hold it anymore, so I go take a crap. I’m back and still on hold. 29 minutes worth. Which turned out to be not worth it as she told me to do something I could not do (no, not ‘get a date’).

Most days, to keep things interesting in the office, I play games. Sometimes it’s an online crossword, sometimes it’s more live and interactive. Like the little game I like to call "Let’s see how much fat I can cram into my body today." This is unfortunately a Repeat Pick of games. Last week I got to take this game on the road, kinda like Jeopardy in Hawaii, only different. It started with the breakfast muffins, but quickly escalated when lunch arrived.

Sitting through the training class in Fuquay was a pain. When I get bored, I eat more. A lot more. But since we couldn’t snack, this eating ‘need’ built up by lunch. The catering woman brought in a few trays of food. I ate all of them. I think I actually ate the lunch lady. It was incredible, sandwiches everywhere. Then, nothing but crumbs. I don’t really remember the actual eating, only the bloated feeling afterwards. The next day was even better, broiled chicken. Apparently there were some veggies too. Who knew? Not me that’s for sure – my motto: Stay Focused! "Please Sir, don’t take the steam trays!"

Which was good because my food options later weren’t so good. Airport food, ugh. And what is it with these Mid-Westerners and their hotdogs?! Dammit. The St Louis airport reminds me of times long ago. Like those times without running water and personal hygiene. They had a few ‘Smoking Lounges’ and several Cocktail Bars. The Smoking Lounges were interesting. Although you couldn’t see much through the haze, it was like actually watching someone die at an accelerated rate. Kinda like the Raiders of the Lost Ark ‘Cup Choice’ scene, only far more disgusting.

The bars were fun. No food, just some stools and all the airport liquor you could stand. And then some apparently. People were just hammered. I guess if I lived there, I would be too. Then again, maybe they had to drink so much to drown out the taste of their cigs and hot dogs.

On the way back through St Louis, I had yet another interesting food-related experience. I saw Yoda. Right there in the Burger King. At least it was what Yoda would be, if he somehow reincarnated here on earth today, as a child. Although not actually green, his skin appeared to be wrinkly and have the same texture and expressions as Yoda (sans ears). I was at once amazed and appalled. Do you put that kind of thing in a zoo? Or the Guinness book of records (like potato chips that look like celebrities)? I don’t know, but the last thing I want to see while trying to scarf down pure fat and grease in an airport fast food joint, is baby Yoda. Creepy.

Hooters. And lots of ‘em. As you may know (or guess), when I travel I like to go to Hooters if I can. It’s kinda like sight-seeing, only without a camera (damn that security guard). All I can say here is Georgia should change from ‘peach’ to ‘melon’. Wow. Of course, I don’t mind my anti- superpower (only being able to flirt with married/engaged women) in these situations.

Next Up: Weird things to hear while flying