Frequent Flying Fools

"I’m easy". Ah, that phrase so many men have fantasized hearing the stewardess say to them. Too bad this was a middle-aged, not so attractive woman talking about seating arrangements. Frankly there’s a lot of ugly chicks on US flights nowadays. But we’re supposed to be a more cultured society now and not focus on such shallow things. Along those newfound enlightened lines, I decided to do the crosswords in the airline magazine. I should’ve starred at the Yoda baby it would’ve been less painful.

Another thing that was painful to begin with was my new found friend, Bob. I really don’t know what his name was, but I’m sure it wasn’t Bob. This was a 19yr old kid, just starting out in the Marines. Hoo-rah. He likes to talk. A lot. And it didn’t matter if I was paying attention or not. Now, some of my friends have told me this is ironic justice, but frankly I think it’s them, not me. Ha.

So apparently this kid is just getting into training and spends a lot of time in the desert. Frankly I think too much time directly in the sun. He’s actually nice, if not naïve and crazy. He (and his friend – more on that later) is (are) also unlucky. He just got hit by a car. Hit and run. Had police report with him. Of course, this happened to him during his vacation leave and now he’s still supposed to go through training. Tough. So he’s there with a brace and crutches and the airline folks can’t figure out to seat him in the exit row. Ugh.

He claims this happened while running for conditioning (ie, reason one he’s crazy). Frankly I think he was running from someone. And I don’t say out of the blue, I have reason. "Touch my daughter and I’ll kill you." Unspoken in many places of the world, actually engraved above the fireplace in a military home. Which is exactly why he shouldn’t have been sleeping with the daughter of one of his recruiters. Reason #2 he’s crazy. In his defense she is hot. Really, that’s all I could come up with. I mean, dumb. Oh, and she’s only 17. Just dumb.

So now he’s back at Camp Leguene (sp?) for 4 months where he won’t see her (he’ll be in the desert again actually). To comfort (control) him, she provided him with a picture of the two of them together. More like a life size portrait. Reason #3 he’s crazy is the training. He goes to a desert where he boils during the day, freezes at night, gets no sleep and has to spend hours cutting up water bottles for recycling (they’re in CA). That sure is manly. But not nearly as stupid as his upcoming Norway trip. In February. In his words, "My recruiter is a nice guy, but frankly, he screwed me."

But let’s talk about his friend. We all have a friend like Bob’s friend (we’ll call him, Stupid). Friends that like to play sports non-stop, are insensitive to women, general cause trouble and always need someone to bail them out. We call them ‘men’. Nonetheless, Stupid one ups most people. It’s funny how things are related. As a high school state wrestling champ in the mid-west, he’s pretty much assured of his pick of women. The choice dilemma leads to the insensitive part, the sport lends itself well to getting into trouble. Being an overachiever, Stupid usually finds a way to combine the two.

So one night, Stupid and his girlfriend (GF) are driving home with another couple. The couple in the back are lying down making out. GF is (ahem), ‘attending to’, Stupid. All have been drinking. Forget the drinks, it’s hard to drive during certain events (although I’m going on long term memory here, back when Yoda really was a baby). So of course, a cop pulls them. Now heads are popping up everywhere and the cop is not pleased. This is made worse when Stupid forgets he’s still showing everyone "He’s with ‘little Stupid’ (arrow pointing down)". The cop is not amused. To the tune of DUI, speeding and indecent exposure.

"Stifler’s Mom!" Or anyone’s mom apparently. What used to be a joke to tell your GF, "Yeah, your mom is hot", is no longer funny now that it’s, "yeah, your mom was good." Not only has this happened on more than one occasion (different moms), people think it’s happened in even more occasions.

And I got all this info before the flight even took off. Thankfully he bought the headphones. The military needs people like Bob. People who can be turned into crazy, fighting machines.

Next up: how to kill yourself in 8 days