BINGO!

Oh, that wonderful word. So long have I wanted to yell it out. Never dreaming such a day was in my future so soon. The fun, excitement, anticipation.

And I still haven’t said it. Dammit man. Instead, the only thing I could think of to say was, "She’s gonna blow!" This is because our hostess was just a tad excited about the whole evening. Unnamed to protect the innocent, this woman decided to invite friends to her bingo night. Every time one of us entered the door we were greeted by the same thing: a screech, a big smile, a hug and, "I’m so excited!"

Although we all went there just because we were invited and had nothing better to do, we soon found out this bingo was not to be taken lightly. First of all, our hostess was not the only busy bee in the room. The place was buzzing with excitement. Rows of folding tables set up, old people everywhere, and snacks. At first I dismissed the snacks. This was a mistake. Looking at this scene in my mind’s eye, I notice a warning: large amounts of snacks. Which points to two things; 1) it was going to be a long evening, 2) I was not prepared.

But my failure to appreciate the importance of the endurance factor was not entirely my fault. I was after all, being accosted at the front table for which game(s) I was going to buy/play. I didn’t understand the big deal, I was there to play bingo, what else was there? Really, it’s like I never got out of the third grade. There isn’t just ‘bingo’, there are many, many forms of this auspicious game. And you get to play all of them during the night (and seemingly at once). All of a sudden I’m looking at a table filled with cards, numbers, sheets and I don’t know what else.

Fortunately our hostess made these decisions for us. She decided we should get the ‘Early Bird Special’. Which was ironic given the average age of the contestants, I think no one there was an ‘Early Bird’ or ‘Spring Chicken’ anymore, but I kept my mouth shut. This ‘Special’ entailed about 400lbs of paper. My brain can’t even conceive of how many numbers were associated with these cards, and I’m still not sure I played all the games right, but let’s agree we got a good introduction to the wonderful world of bingo through this astute choice.

Amazingly at this point, our hostess is only in the beginning stages or cardiac arrest. So far only 5 minutes have passed and we are already bewildered and confused. Now she sets us down and gets us ‘set up’ at the tables. Space is key. Especially since we seem to be playing a game on what appears to be a life size replica of a World Map. There are many games, played one after another, in a particular order. They provided an outline sheet of what games were to be played when, so that helped. But not much, as they purposely added to the confusion by selling additional games and add-ons throughout the evening.

Now we’re taping things. Tickets, sheets, each other, I don’t know. Then there are the dabbers. I got the pink heart one, how cute. But not effective actually. I actually tried using it - rookie mistake. And now I see our hostess and her friend (slightly older woman) have come prepared. They each have a drink mug. More like a small keg. These things hold 52 ounces of drink each. WTF? And snacks, lots of them. Meanwhile Scott is already returning with a hot dog and I’m hungry. But now it’s time for the warm-up game.

We aren’t playing this particular game (extra $), but we ‘practice’ by going through all our cards as he calls out the numbers. This is easily insane. First, we have 2 sheets that have 12 games each on them. The ‘caller’ (technical bingo term for bored freak) gives you all of 3.9 seconds to stamp all your cards. He’s crazy. Although initially daunted by this practice game, we press on anyway. The 5 of us rookies (me, chris, other dave, scott and sheri – Marc had played before) are now being instructed by our hostess as to what to do now for the first game.

Well, she might as well have been talking in a foreign language (or trying to give me directions), because I didn’t understand any of it. Nonetheless the games are on. And the stamping begins. Personally Scott and I were apparently trying to stick the dabbers completely through the cards to make it effective. By the third game, ‘bingo elbow’ was beginning. The sad part is at this point we aren’t even to the double sheet system yet. Ugh. By the time we caught on to the object of one game, they were already done and switching to the next. This frantic confusion went on for a few more games. I think. It was hard to tell when one game stopped and another started, actually, as there didn’t seem to be much time in between. The cool part though was that they had a video of the bingo ball being called so you could visually get a quick look at it.

Except for the ‘quickie’ game. There were many bad parts about this game. First, you had to ask a man for a quickie, second, the odds of winning this bingo quickie were about the same as my real life chances, and they didn’t call the letters of the numbers (ie, B, I, etc) just the numbers, and finally the name didn’t come from nowhere, the calls were quick. How quick? He never took another breath, just strung all the numbers together until someone won. "2546731112695742722434351161722BINGO!" WFT?! Of course when I looked down at my card to see how many I had gotten, I realized I had stamped the card, the table and some cheetos. Oh well.

Intermission. And here’s where we discovered yet another sneaky old people tactic – bathroom breaks. They don’t need them, but we do. The whole time you’re trying to sort through these arrays of cards trying to stamp like a crazy man, you can hardly concentrate because you have to piss like a race horse. They, on the other hand don’t have this problem for one simple reason – Depends. If you looked around the room (an obvious sign that you had given up hope on winning), you could see big smiles and eyes rolling back in people’s heads as they found true happiness. Bastards.

Not being so prepared, I raced to the bathroom during the intermission. At least I was no longer seeing yellow. Now I’m back in the game and we are moving to the ‘real’ games. 2 sheets of 12, different game every sheet, no chit chat. The latter because you couldn’t talk and dab and also because we had already been berated by the place to pipe down. Crabby old folks really. At some point during this time of extreme concentration and movement, we notice just how bad we are. While most of us routinely can’t get through all 24 cards for each number, even while focused, our hostess is playing 3 sheets (36 cards), eating a salad, talking with her friend, buying more stuff (for later), joking the salesguys and helping other people hunt on their cards. We’ll call her ‘Rainman’ from here on.

It was retarded really. She could also keep track of how we all were doing and if we were close to winning. Which was good, because frankly most of us didn’t have a clue. But our own franticness was not the only excitement. The crowd added some fun as well. As the night went on, we started picking up on things. Like how we would never win. But also when someone else was about to win. Once people started to get close, the murmur of the crowd noticeably picked up. The natives were restless. It was like we were doomed for failure.

But not entirely. Rainman’s friend Peggy won one game. Peggy is an interesting woman. This is the same woman that last week gave out a phone number of a girl that works in her office to Marc. This week she brought pictures or her and friends. Not bad really. She also informed us rookies what you did for good luck after one of your friends wins. You take the money won (actual cash) and rub it around all the edges of your bingo cards. And then your crotch.

At first I had assume I heard her wrong. Namely because this isn’t the type of thing you should hear in the Elk’s Lodge. And yet, there it went. Money was flying around people’s cards and crotches at an alarming rate. Bewildered by the stress of the games and the numbness in my ass, I simply played along. It didn’t occur to me until afterwards that I should’ve at least tried to talk one of the women into doing that part for me! I’ll blame that on the hunger. "Say it with me, Pierre. Steak-Burger." And yet, there was none. Only candy and hot dogs. Ugh.

And now the inevitable stamping of friends. I was branded, but fortunately only once. Chris actually made a smiley face on his own arm. And then there was the drink mishap. This is why young people and bingo don’t mix. We got that sorted out though, just in time for our first ‘bingo brawl’. Now our ‘caller’ displayed one ball (not his own) and called another. BINGO! BINGO! "Let’s get ready to ruuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmblllllllllllllllllle!" Like thoroughbreds out of the gate, the gnashing of teeth was on. Words were yelled, fists were pumping and I’m pretty sure there were threats to dentures.

And it got even worse. They switched callers for the last few games. And this guy was even faster. It’s like they brought in the closer in baseball and he was bringing high heat all night. Dammit man. At one point some of the old people actually started complaining (our group didn’t bother, we just sat there in a blind stupor). And now we were introduced to old folk smack-talk.

Old Lady #1: You need to slow down!

Old Lady #2: Well, you need to learn to walk sometime!

Ouch.

Thankfully by this time we were down the home stretch. The room is filled with smoke, I can hardly see. It’s getting late – how long can these old folks stay awake?! I now need ice for my elbow and I think Scott and I are about to break the table. I’m now stamping any number, thinking about licking the ink on my arm just for fun and assume I no longer have an ass. Finally some one wins the last game. "And they’re off!" these old folks are getting out of here with reckless abandon. In the time it’s taken me to realize the game, and the evening, is over, they have thrown away their trash, packed up their goodies and replaced any artificial limbs and teeth. Wave after wave of smoke and Ben-gay is passing me buy as I stand up.

Exhausted and now nauseated, I make my way towards the exit. Our hostess is talking and just now coming down off the bingo high. The only good thing was if she did have a heart attack or seizure, I’m sure there were enough meds there to take care f the problem. I don’t remember getting home, but I guess I did. All I could think of was if I had just gotten that O64, I would’ve won. Something. I think.