Weekend Review, with Gary Gnu

Well, quite the weekend unfolded recently. So many bad dancers. Incredible. So, let’s get on with the run down.

Friday.

Ah, that day when you can just kick back, relax and let your troubles pass you by. Or when you can drive through a hurricane, run outside with no umbrella, all to stand around a crowded bar where you can knocked, hit and punched by people, and perhaps even sodomized by a Camel. Who knew?! It was called Tony’s Oyster Bar, but I really don’t know if it had any oysters or a bar. That’s because, as a short man, I couldn’t see through all the mounds of flesh between me and breathable air. Packed in like pencils in an engineers pocket protector, we tried to have conversation, listen to a band, and not get accidentally raped by random passerbyers.

Oh, and I was hungry (who knew). But no, I wasn’t allowed to eat. Specifically I wasn’t allowed to sit down. This was because they were more busy than usual and had reservations. Except people weren’t coming to sit down. At least not quickly. I tried getting food where I cold stand and eat, but they would not allow it. "You have to be sitting" that little wench told me. "I can’t sit in the bathroom" I told her. It’s like I’m the only one ever thinking of solutions, I don’t get it. So I had to wait until the open seating at 10:30. Ugh.

But all was not lost, there was amusement to be found. Usually in the form of my friends getting drunk, but that wouldn’t really get started until later. First I got a visit from some old friends I rarely see, so that was cool. Then we were all visited by the Camel promotion people. They naturally think in order to sell cigarettes, they should dress up college chain smokers in traditional desert costume or black dresses. What could be better than a half naked cancer promotion? You guessed it, the world’s ugliest belly dancers. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I’m thinking about belly dancers in public, I’m thinking this will be pleasing to watch.

This is why I should never think. Although this did not satisfy any gawking urges, it did take care of my dinner dilemma. In that I was now no longer hungry and could possibly have vomited had I eaten right before seeing that. But I did finally get to eat. I even got to dine with a fine young woman with good conversation. This was interrupted however, by a very large, not so young woman (bear?), reading fortune cards. I think she was trying to hump my back.

Eventually things turned from bad to worse. Ie, I was literally drug off my chair and out onto the dance floor. If you have not read previous emails about me dancing (and the hospital visits that usually ensue), let’s just say this is an activity I should avoid at all costs. Some bumping, a broken chair and an untied shoe later, I was tired, lost and confused. Now I know my friends were drunk because all of a sudden I saw Chris out on the dance floor as well. For him to dance, his blood alcohol level has to go well beyond legal.

Then there was a foursome. Odd, yet not altogether unenjoyable. This broke down into couples dancing. On the one hand I was happy, as my ‘partner’ for this event was quite an attractive woman. OTOH, I felt sorry for her. In such tight quarters and her being so thin, I was already assuming a lot of blood loss was going to occur for the poor girl, it was really only a matter of time. As it turns out, she was able to put up with my ineptitude and we were even able to laugh at other people.

And now, drunk people were talking. Talking about making breakfast. Turns out these drunk people were my friends (old and new). Already late, I figured this wasn’t going to be a good idea. For one, people think they want to stay up longer than their body actually wants them to, when they’re in a bar. Once they get home, they realize how tired they are. Two, because this plan involved driving somewhere new to me. The odds of us ending up dead in a ditch were increasing by the moment.

The caravan did arrive at the house, where people promptly made fun of the hosts music collection, floor plan and cat. Not pretty. Although I must say the bathroom was located in a place normally reserved for the coat closet. OR maybe I did pee in the closet, I don’t know. It was late. It was ever later when left. In between that time, we did fun things like eat eggs, clean dishes and make fun of each other. We found out nice things about each other and that most of us hate stupid people (defined as all those OTHER people, not the drunk ones on somebody’s floor at 4am talking about male celebrities they would sleep with). Having long since worn out our welcome, we went home. Which turned out to be on the other side of the planet actually. Quite the drive. But I finally got to sleep around 5:30, which would be fine since I would get up at 11 to start yet another amusing day.

Tomorrow: Dance, Dance, Revolution