Time to go to the dentist. Normally I actually don't mind. Mainly because up until lately I have been numb to all forms of pain. I mean really, if you were me, you'd want to block out everything too. Anyway, this trip wasn't too different on the pain side. On the oddness scale, however, things were different.

Of course you start with the standard annoyances - arrive early, get seen late, have people talking to you while they shove crap in your mouth. Fine. And of course everything smells and the best thing you can find to read is some form of children's book (Disney short series or Highlights). Bearable.

So now they tell me they need to do a small, natural type filling. Not a real filling, but something. I don't know, just get it over with. Since I'd only had one filling before, and that being as a child, I didn't remember how much fun this was. By fun, I mean as in the same sort of fun you have as a red-headed stepchild at a drunken redneck family reunion.

"First I need to put this stuff on your gums. It's a contact number and it may taste funny."

That's because it's floor wax lady. Damn that was weird stuff. It seems to be working though so I think things will go smoothly. So why the hell is this other woman (the dentist) bringing out a harpoon?

"Oh, this is to numb up your mouth on one side. We need to hit the nerve. It'll hurt a little, then you'll feel some burning and tingling."

Now wait just a damn minute. First, I don't think sticking a nerve with anything is good, much less a needle. Second, don't tell me it's going to hurt, damn. Fortunately the floor wax seemed to have kicked in and things went fine. The anxiety of the situation was a bit much though.

Ok, so now we enter the portion of the procedure better known as, "let's see how many things we can cram in his mouth." WTF? I knew this was going to get ugly when they started out with a prop. Like a comical movie scene, they put this giant stick in my mouth so that I can't close my jaw. Of course at first the t wo of them had to grab my jaws and pry them open far enough to get this stick in. This basically unhinged my jaw and now I too can swallow an entire field mouse.

And now they start using my mouth as a garbage disposal and start throwing stuff in. At first I was ok with this - a tube here and there, some cotton pads here, a few things I didn't know but looked medical, etc. But a George Foreman Grill? Don't get me wrong, I love the George Foreman Grill, I just don't think it belongs in my mouth. Finally they were ready to begin. Begin what I don't know, personally I think they did all that just to pick up illegal cable off my skull, but what do I know.

Now comes that crazy tooth-picking tool and a mini-drill. Apparently my tooth put up quite a fight because she had to keep going back with the drill. During all of this I can't swallow of course. So one of the tubes is sucking spit directly from my throat. Nice. I can't feel one half of my head, the rest is filled with cotton and I thik that stick is about to break.

Fortunately I could hear a good game on ESPN Classic through my left front canine and I think the George Foreman Grill was almost warmed up in time for lunch! Except there would be no lunch. Now they tell me I can't eat until the numbing wears off. (On a personal note, I can't tell you how many times something as innocent as numbness has ended up causing me great pain later). Which must be why they scheduled the appointment at lunch - so I could starve to death.

So now it's all done and they get to remove all the stuff from my mouth. I think I heard the recycle truck pull up. Damn. I look in the mirror and I can't even tell they did anything. So either they did a great job, or I was on Candid Camera!

Hope your day was as fun, Clay "…and Flutie throws for the endzone….." Berry