Invasion?

It has come to my attention that it is actually statistically impossible for one to become a university professor. At first I know this must sound ridiculous, but when you consider what's involved in gaining this stature, you'll realize I'm right (at least that's how I arrived at that conclusion).

The question here then is, how do people go about becoming a professor? To begin with, we must look at some basics: educational requirements, research performance, geographical concerns. In this we will limit our discussion to recognized four-year institutions.

The education requirement is a Ph.D. in the chosen field of work. That in itself is quite an accomplishment. Statistically as a whole it is phenomenal. Anywhere from one-fourth to one-third of Americans can't even read or write properly. Then there are high school dropouts and those that do not go on to college. Of course, in today's 'push them on' liberal style of secondary education, some of those dropouts or graduates may actually be some of those from the illiterate classification.

Of those that do go to college, a lot go to community or two-year colleges or drop out. Then there are those that finish a four-year degree and then leave. There are some that go on to a masters but then also leave. Of all the students enrolled in an average university, only about 6-9% are Ph.D. candidates (and that may be generous). That last number was completely fabricated, but I'm not too concerned with details at this point, and frankly, I'm not getting paid for this anyway. Which brings us to the next topic: research.

In addition to alcohol, research is both the cause and solution to all academic problems. Ph.D. candidates and professors are evaluated almost solely on their research. This wouldn't be horrible if the competition wasn't so stiff. Thanks to 'Reaganomics', a financial institution based on 'fake' money, S&L scandals, and the general lack of fun-lovin', black-hooded freelance executioners, there isn't a lot of money floating around. Applying to corporations or scientific research institutes requires a proposal based on new, cutting edge technology that is different and exciting. In short, it must deal with aliens in some way.

And speaking of spatial problems, we now move to the geography portion of our discussion. Another problem facing professor wannabes, is where to work. Frankly, there aren't that many choices. Unlike 'regular' jobs, there are only so many 'companies' that hire professors. Aside from weird, fat people on remote islands, the bulk of this hiring would occur in colleges and universities.

Since we are only concerned with four-year institutions, that leaves about 300-400 places. Spreading them out across our 50 states gives an average of 6-8 schools per state. Obviously there will be some variations. Places like California and New York will have more, whereas places like North Dakota will have less. I don't actually believe North or South Dakota actually have any universities. Actually, believing people would actually choose to live there ranks up there with believing that fake moon landing, but that's another debate. I believe it's more likely there is one guy up there, on one REALLY big tractor, who plows the entire state twice a year.

In any event, there aren't that many places to work. This is even more so in more 'restricted' areas. For instance, most all colleges need professors in Humanities or Natural Sciences perhaps, but not all schools have Medical or Engineering schools. Since I'm in engineering, I'll stick with that. This would cut the number of schools down to 200-250, or about 4-5 school per state.

The next thing to consider is how many of these schools actually need professors at any one time. Not many. This gets even less if you are so picky as to want an appointment in your degree area. Then you must consider how many people could be applying for these few remaining jobs. If you paid attention in the earlier educational section you'd realize that's about 4.3 million applicants. That's right, most of these are aliens, but somehow that doesn't stop them.

But let's say somehow you beat these odds and actually get a job. This assumes of course that you weren't found guilty of releasing new toxins into the atmosphere that inebriated all the aliens. This was necessary not only from a statistical standpoint, but specifically to counter the aliens' distinct advantage in garnering research about stuff they already know about. So then, that's great, you've accomplished a lot. But you're not done. Oh, far from it.

Now comes the tenure process. This is not unlike challenges in ancient times known as 'running the gauntlet'. It's every bit as difficult and bloody. A great, actual source on this is Peter Feibelman's "A Ph.D. Is Not Enough!" The title alone should give you a hint. The first few years of the new professor's life are spent slaving over research, writing proposals (begging for money), schmoozing industrial contacts, and every now and then, giving a lecture.

Of course, you may never see this professor, as he is too busy trying to 'publish or perish'. This person has no doubt forgotten what his friends and family even look like, and has eyes that glow not unlike a computer monitor. The real ludicrous part of this process is reading how universities are really concerned with their professors' teaching performance and benefits to the students. You'll note most schools don't even evaluate, train, or monitor their professors, and barring sexual harassment issues, student evaluations aren't terribly critical. A professor's salary comes about from research grants almost entirely, and not from student tuition, so then, how can they be held accountable to the students?

So at the end of some 'standard' evaluation period (about 5-6 years), this professor is either given tenure, or fired. Not everyone makes the cut. So then, the number of people making it into the profhood is even lower. Given the time spent researching, distractions from research (including, but not limited to, eating, sleeping and family), lack of grant money, internal competition and competition from other scholars, the possibility of anyone becoming a professor is actually statistically indeterminate. Therefore, it is my opinion that all university professors are actually figments of our imaginations and we have been programmed to react to advanced computer images as if they were real people (no doubt this was done by the drunken aliens).

Of course, another possibility is that perseverance is the key to success and the professors you see before you today are not always the smartest or best, but the ones to which physical pain is enjoyable. Most likely their blood is actually made up of large parts of caffeine, they have replaced their eyes with optical sensors, they used their families in research experiments just to see them on a semi-regular basis (now digitally enhanced of course), and they enjoy saving money on housing since they live in their offices.

So then, the best advice I can give would be to make friends with the aliens early on to help establish that funding trail.

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