CONFLICT RESOLUTION Conflict by nature is difficult. And yet conflict is a normal, natural aspect of any relationship. In fact, conflict handled well is healthy and can improve, even add to a relationship, leaving both of you feeling heard and understood. It is only when people handle conflict poorly that the relationship gets in trouble. How you handle conflict and what you do with the information learned during the conflict is directly related to the overall quality of your relationships. If you approach conflict by becoming defensive, not listening, or intentionally inflicting hurt upon your partner, the conflict will go unresolved. Nor will you be supporting your relationship. Rather, you will be creating more conflict and resentment.
A much more productive and healing way to handle conflict is to communicate, listen to and hear one another. One powerful way to do this is through what I call "recreating." By this I mean actively listening and verbally reenacting each other's emotional experience. This way you communicate to each other that there is a deep understanding of how both of you are being affected. In the process, you create more closeness and trust in the relationship.
Here is a step-by-step guide of how to "recreate" your partner's thoughts and feelings:
1. Listen to what your partner is saying.
2. Do not interrupt or defend yourself.
3. When your partner is done speaking, "recreate" his/her thoughts and feelings.
4. Continue to "recreate" until the anger or pain subsides and tears or a smile appear.
5. Go though the above steps as many times as needed until your partner feels complete.
6. Now it's your turn.
7. Now that you are no longer in conflict, talk about what happened. Do the above steps seem difficult, if not impossible? This process indeed takes a tremendous amount of patience, self-control and compassion. But the rewards are well worth the effort. By addressing conflict in a mature, empathetic way as these steps have outlined, you will unquestionably create a secure environment for your relationship to grow and blossom. |
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