Understanding and Dealing with Her Boyfriend
By R. Don Steele
WHICH ONES HAVE BOYFRIENDS?
Every 18 and 19 year old has one. In the 20 to 21 age range, the percentage
without rises to ten or fifteen percent. Over 21 and under 23 year olds do
without to the tune of twenty percent. There is a veritable abundance of young
women without a "man" in their lives in the over 23 group, about one in three.
Trouble is, there aren't many unmarried ones.
If you're dedicated to not getting involved with someone with a boyfriend, stick
with those over 23. By the time they reach the quarter century mark and a few
years beyond, only fifty percent are seriously involved. This cheering fact has
a dark side. There are many desperate-to-get-married 25-30 year olds out there
and by that age most see you as a prospect.
Bad news: the target population over 22 is halved, decimated by marriage. Good
news: one in four of the unmarrieds, of any age, will have an affair with you,
if she can keep her boyfriend. There are two kinds of girls with boyfriends,
those who tell you about him and those who don't.
ANNOUNCED BOYFRIENDS
When she mentions him early on it means: (1) She's not interested. (2) She's
interested, wants you to know the score. (3) She wants to flirt with you and
feel serenely indignant when she wins the Rapo game. (Rapo, as in Rape-o is
described fully in Court Her.) Seventy percent of the time it's (1). Ten percent
of the time it's heavenly (2).
If she doesn't say anything about him right away but does later it means: (1)
She was kinda interested and didn't want you to fade away. After getting to know
you she wants to have an affair if she can keep her boyfriend. (2) She was
interested but after getting to know you this is how she says no. (3) She was
playing Rapo with you all along, you've made your move, this is how she says,
"What kind of girl do you think I am?" (4) She likes you, doesn't want to date
you but didn't feel any of her personal life was appropriate until now. It's
usually (1) (2) or (3). The first two account for sixty percent.
Announced or unannounced, there are three kinds of boyfriends.
LEFTOVER BOYFRIENDS
If she's been with him since high school he's only a security blanket. He is her
means of acceptance in the subculture and a sex partner but most important, a
place to avoid the risks associated with growing up and becoming a self
sufficient person. She takes him for granted, doesn't respect him, has only
boring sex with him but she doesn't have the courage to break up and look for
something better.
She announces him with, "My boyfriend and I went to Magic Mountain," or, "Jimmy
and I stayed at his Grandma's cabin." The longer they've been together, the
easier it is to have an affair with her.
She only wants the same thing you wanted from the women you had affairs with
when married, thrills, satisfying her curiosity and uninvolved, exciting
distraction.
After a couple of nights or a few weeks with you, she runs back to him. She's
found out about older men and even if it was a thousand times better than with
him, she is motivated by fear.
She has not been prepared by her parents or the culture to become an
independent, productive adult. She was never taught the skills or attitudes
needed to grow toward independence and self reliance. She has been prepared from
birth for only one role. Even if you open her eyes for a brief blinding moment
to other possible choices, she is overwhelmed by the heretofore unknown real
world and wants no part of it. She has none of the tools needed to live there.
Even the semi-literates who watch "Donahue" and read People know she has a sixty
percent chance of ending up back in the real world after three years of
marriage. The sad part is, she will still be only a frightened teenager inside,
with no job skills, no money and two kids depending on her.
Mary Ann used "my ex-boyfriend" in our first substantial conversation. At the
time I only knew she wanted me to know she was available.
As it turned out she and Jimmy were just fighting, again, about his staying out
all night several times a week. He decided to show her "who wears the pants in
this house" and didn't come home for two weeks. She needed someone to distract
her from the pain and loneliness.
After four dates in seven days, three of them full of lusty sex she had never
known, I called. She said simply, "I'm back with Jimmy, can't go out anymore.
Sorry. Bye."
Epilogue.
She got married three months later, had a baby, then divorced within a year. She
is pushing 160 pounds and lives with her child at Mom's.
Jimmy was this "dude's" real name. In his "honor" all boyfriends in this book
are named Jimmy. He was, and is, typical.
UNDERSTANDING THE LEFTOVER SITUATION
She must sneak time with you, at first risking only a few minutes. If you're
relaxed, fun and appear safe, she'll stay for a couple of hours. Then she'll "go
for it," spending a whole afternoon in bed with you. Evenings are too dangerous,
they have established a pattern of after dinner calls, under some pretext, to
check on each other.
Later, she'll make a date for the entire evening when she's figured out how to
explain why she won't be home. But, she will stand you up without notice if he
suspected something and "just happened" to stop by her place. When he's going to
the mountains or desert with his buddies, she'll spend the night.
An affair with her can last many months if she's brighter than average and has
some innate courage. A duration of anything beyond two months requires counting
from the day you two end up in bed until she really quits. There is no time
deduction for the in's and out's of the affair on her part.
She quits for a week, comes back for two days, quits "forever," comes back for
three weeks and so on. Withdrawals and re-entries are brought on by extreme
feelings which force her to re-examine her values. The conflict is sharp. Her
goals are mutually exclusive - get back on track toward living happily ever
after with Jimmy or continue the side trip, for awhile, with you down the road
of excitement and adventure.
Like the rest of us, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. To get a clear
understanding of what she goes through, see "Don's Recipe for Trouble" later in
Date Her.
An affair of any length will be mutually rewarding if you are ethical and up
front with her from the start. She learns about the real world and grows up much
quicker. This wouldn't happen for years without you. In turn, she teaches you
how to have fun and enjoy being carefree all over again. She gets smarter and
older. You get smarter and younger. Such a deal!
She's going back to Jimmy and become Queen For A Day after a night, a week or a
month. If it lasts longer than a few months she'll realize she deserves much
better than Jimmy and move on.
If it's two, intense, rewarding months she starts wishing it could "lead
somewhere." Ethically you must prevent this. It's hard to inject realism into
the relationship once this stage is reached unless the seeds are planted early.
You are the one who has to do it. (See Ethics and Talk With Her.)
STRING ALONGS, BOYFRIENDS OF CONVENIENCE
The young women smart enough to know marrying the Leftover is a bad idea, string
him along, clinging to a corner of the security blanket while testing the waters
of adult life. Also in this category are girls with any boyfriend they don't
want to marry but keep for convenience.
This young woman was taught independence by her parents or became independent to
survive. But, she learned self reliance in parallel with conflicting values
stressing preparation for a role as wife and mother. She absorbs society's
belief that her real value as a human being is ultimately measured in terms of
how good a mother she becomes. So, even these, the best of the bunch, face
contradictory goals before meeting you. These cause her to have conflicting
goals after meeting you just like the girls with Leftovers.
This young woman outgrows males close to her age by 20 or after college. Even
when she realizes how "totally out of it" boys are, she can't conceive of life
without a boyfriend, so she gets an "older man" of 27, like Randy RedPorsche.
After a few attempts she realizes he and his contemporaries only want to make
temporary deposits in her sperm bank.
The independent young woman knows: (1) She doesn't want to marry the security
blanket she's holding by a corner, although she'd love all that ceremonial
attention. (2) Young men four to eight years older only use her. (3) Boys don't
know what it's all about.
She wants to find out what it's really all about. At the same time part of her
says she should get married and make babies, another part says to be independent
and make a life for herself. Faced with this dilemma, she's ready for you.
But, from her point of view you may turn out to be a turkey or too much for her
to handle. She's reluctant to burn her bridges. Besides, she'll have some
functions to attend where you can't go. God forbid, she can't possibly go by
herself, especially on Saturday night, Christmas or New Year's. Heavens, people
would think she doesn't have a boyfriend! Branded a complete failure at 20 or
21.
The young woman with a String Along announces him in terms implying she sees
other people or wants to, starting with you. Something like, "Jimmy's going to
the desert this weekend, so I'm going to the Gamma's party and see what I can
pick up. Hee, hee." Or, she just wears a promise ring and tells you with her
body and eyes she's available.
Sometimes she announces him in terms sounding like she doesn't really have one.
As a worst case example Donna said, "Jimmy? Oh, one of the guys I used to date."
She wasn't really lying, he was in jail. She felt so guilty for "fooling around"
she married him two weeks after he finished his sentence for stealing $60,000
from his first father-in-law!
Epilogue.
He threw her out with nothing a year later after beating her severely. She got
pregnant by the next guy she moved in with, trying to make him marry her. He
left when she refused an abortion. At 24, she and her baby are living with her
divorced sister and her three kids. She didn't get as fat as Mary Ann, only 150
pounds. But Donna started at 110, a dynamite 110, I might add. What a waste of
life.
Neither Donna nor Mary Ann were future rocket scientists. But they were both
plenty smart enough to not do what they did. They made long range decisions with
emotions, not brains. Wanting to be Queen For A Day, is indeed, a powerful
driver.
This article is written by R. Don Steele. This is the Part 9 of an excerpt from
his book : "How to Date Young Women After Age 35, Volume I"
