The Typical 20 Years Old

By R. Don Steele

THE TYPICAL 20 YEAR OLD

She lives with a couple of roommates but only recently left home. She's never lived with her boyfriend. She has a job or is going to college. She has a car. She doesn't have a drug problem. She may have had an abortion, the odds are 80-20 against it. Her IQ is 110. She gave her first hand job at 15, then gave up her virginity at the Junior Prom. Her best sex was with some guy she picked up one weekend in Palm Springs. He was 26 but never called when she got back to LA like he promised.

She smokes marijuana or snorts coke at parties and at home when she's bored. She drinks at home, at parties and in clubs and bars where she sees herself as a grown up. She's not shy but not a rowdy extrovert either. She follows fashion but isn't a trendy person. She's had the same boyfriend for a year and a half. At 23, he still lives with his parents and has a job, sometimes.

To really understand her, get your fogged up memory working. Think back 20 years. What was it like being powerless? What was it like to only have a few dollars? What was it like thinking everyone was watching you? What was it like not knowing what you were doing, having to bullshit your way through? Remember what an asshole you were at 20. Recall how totally cool you pretended to be, acting like you knew all about life and love. She's no different.

CONFLICT AND CONFUSION - SITUATION NORMAL

She's internalized most values our culture sanctimoniously preaches but she's beginning to notice widespread hypocrisy. She is questioning the rationality of some ideas and is considering the possibility that many rules for behavior are wrong, not just for her, but for all society.

Strong, conflicting emotions generated by her own mutually exclusive values and goals cause moods to come and go without warning. She often feels out of control and compensates for it by believing in something, anything. In short, a self-contradicting blend of Jerry Falwell's, Ann Landers' and Helen Gurly Brown's rules and regulations.

She's trying to become the woman she has tacked up on the wall inside her head. Comparing herself to that ideal everyday, she finds herself lacking. She is confused about life, love, sex, marriage, babies, career, parents, boyfriends, lovers and on and on. Her life is a jumble. Unsettled about the future, she decides "once and for all" at least twice a month. She's insecure because of her lack of knowledge, experience, power, money and independence. When comparing herself to other young women, she sees only their facades of self confidence. Having no idea her friends are just as uncertain, she feels isolated, alone. The more insecure she is, the more she covers it up. She appears aloof, cool and sophisticated, especially to you.

Thoughts and feelings arise from nowhere. She wants to stab her Dad and choke her 13 year old sister because the brat gets to do everything she was forbidden at that age. She feels "sick" for wanting to feel her co-worker's big tits. Guilt arises when announcing she doesn't go to church any more. After masturbating she wonders if God was really watching. Sometimes she's so terribly lonely she seriously considers killing herself. To her there's no reason for these feelings. Her problems seem monumental. She has no idea it's normal, late adolescent dues paying. She has no perspective from which to judge.

For months she knows what she is and what she wants, then suddenly she has a change of heart. No longer does she want to be a Cosmo Girl, she wants to be a trendy teenager again. Six weeks later she changes her image to Yuppie In Training. After working in an office for a half a year she realizes how hard it is to make money. Then she goes to a romantic movie with Jimmy. They talk about getting married. She decides she'd like to stay at home, an ivy covered cottage, and raise two cute kids.

She believes that if she does the right things, eventually she'll be rewarded. To her there's only one right way to do anything, including having a relationship with a male. You're a male. Prepare yourself.

"It will be easy when I'm 25," is one of her deeply held beliefs. She thinks she'll be able to cope effectively with "men," parents and life in general. All young people think everything's supposed to go smoothly. They have no idea life is nothing but a series of obstacles, feeling God or fate is punishing or testing them when a problem comes into their lives.

When she meets a male in society's acceptable age range she sees only a potential husband. She and her counterparts believe in the nuclear family and want to be the center of one someday. The difference is, in her family everyone will be happy. She thinks she can make it work, just as you and I did.

Don't argue or try to convince her she's wrong about this belief or any others. Only offer your views if pressed severely. It is not useful to debate with her. Life, and you're part of life, will eventually prove how ridiculous and hypocritical most of our culture's rules, traditions and gender-specific goals are.

The self concept she developed from six years old until she started her period is lurking in the background. Her new self is solidifying but it's in constant jeopardy as she confronts more and more of what the adult world has to offer, including you. Under stress she turns into a brat of eleven you'd love to strangle or a frightened five year old you have to hold on your lap.

She feels like a failure from her sophomore year of high school on, if she does not have a boyfriend. It doesn't mean she won't have an affair with you when she has one. It only means he ensures she won't have to stay home on Saturday night.

She wants to be independent but fears being alone. She was raised to be a virgin when she married but "does it" all the time with Jimmy. She dreams of being rich and famous. She enjoys pretending she's an adult but likes to be babied.

She and most of her friends, male and female, have whacked out parents - neurotic parents, dying parents, divorcing parents, Jesus freak parents, alcoholic parents, possessive parents, neglecting mothers or molesting fathers. She wants o-u-t, out.

She hates her job, it's menial and boring. Her boss "teases" her about taking her on a "business" trip and keeps wanting to rub her back.

Her friends are only fair in good weather. Debbie, her best friend, was kissing Jimmy at the party last week. But, she wants her friends to think she's cool. She wants to make lots of money, spend it on cool clothes, cool cars, cool travel, on being "totally" cool. She and her counterparts are superficial not because they are genuinely phony, but because the world's still a bit too big for them.

She is experimenting with life, testing herself to see how powerful she really is. At the same time she's searching for a stable identity, choosing and rechoosing, marriage or college, getting a job and moving out or staying at home and doing nothing.

It is a time of stress and pressure you have forgotten about. To her the stress and pressure are real even if, to you, it is lightweight, solvable stuff.

When she meets you she suspects you're married and lying about being divorced. Don't press the point. She considers herself sophisticated for being suspicious.

She's still becoming the person she's going to be while you're trying to un-become the person you've been. You're trying to return to adolescence. She's leaving it behind.

YOU CAUSE EVEN MORE CONFUSION

Just yesterday afternoon she was lying in your arms contented as a puppy with a full tummy. Today, after a fender bender, the whole universe is falling apart.

She's confused by the flood of emotions you cause in her. During one week she feels elated, guilty, foolish, sexual, womanly, appreciated, accepted, curious, ignorant, naive, inept, silly, whorish, glamorous, sad, sensual, romantic, grown-up, lustful, horny, sated, terrified, brave, embarrassed, proud, shy, exhibitionistic, childlike, daughter-like and a hundred others you and I can't empathize with.

Carla and I were lying in bed after superb orgasmic sex that lasted for a half an hour. As the glow faded, she said in a tiny, painful voice, "A year ago I was a virgin! Things are not like they told me."

She thinks she must be in love, otherwise she wouldn't be having such grand sex with you. At the same time she thinks, often out loud, "What am I doing?" She's breaking all the rules and gets a charge out of doing just that. But, on her way home she feels like a cheap slut for sucking a 45 year old cock.

She's volatile, impulsive and irrational. Her confusion drives you crazy. She picks a fight so she can break up with you. She cancels a date and makes sure you know on some level she's going out with a boy. She's young, confused, ignorant and scared. If your affair's been going for three months or more, add bored.

Sounds pretty negative, right? Well, my friend, I chose to tell you the bad news first. Why? Because if you think everything's going to be easy or you're not interested in taking the bad with the wonderful, you can put the book down now. Call up that 38 year old with three kids. Or, you can get back to important activities, like watching tv or hanging out in bars.

If you're serious about young women, keep reading and absorb the negatives. Digest them. Mull them over. They are key to understanding her, something you must do before you can ever hope to talk with her, let alone date her. In a few chapters, you'll get the good news.


This article is written by R. Don Steele. This is the Part 3 of an excerpt from his book : "How to Date Young Women After Age 35, Volume I"