odessaissue3b

By Condolleeza Rice

SOME ISLAND-For the show's sixty-second installation, CBS has decided to glue people to their TV sets with even more unworldly power by making the next Survivor uncut.

We at Odessa don't know exactly what the content will be like, but we do expect that Rudy, the 105 year old Navy Seal, who has still yet to take home the prize, will go totally

berserk and kill everyone else on the island, thus ensuring that no one survives except him. Outwit, Outplay, Outlive.

"We have anticipated Rudy's angry behavior," said John Doe, the anonymous leader of CBS, "And believe me, we know there's nothing worse than an old-as-dust and tough-as-nails Navy guy. So, to guard against any Nuclear Winter we might experience on the island-which happens to

a small, French owned one in the Caribbean, by the way-and fitted Rudy with a 'No-Nuke Muzzle' that will control his explosive tendencies."

Other contestants will be Bozo the Clown, who plans to use his shoes as life rafts, Monica Lewinsky, who will probably get the million by "convincing" the winner, and even that anonymous CBS guy, anonymous because he's the mole! Find the Rich Fat Guy and win a thousand bucks!

By Colin Powell

HOLY LAND-Something has happened in the Middle East, the long revered "Holy Land". It's terrible: the Jews are pissed off.

But they're not that angry at their longtime rivals, the Palestinians, who have pretty much everything to do with the combat. Rather, they're mad at everyone else.

Palestine has lost many a war already with Israel, but still they persist. Yasser Arafat is leading his people on another suicide mission to take the land they revere, which the Israelis find holy for their own purposes. They instigated combat, but the death toll is something like five or six Israelis and a thousand Palestinians. I guess being slaughtered all those times in the past hasn't taught the Palestinians anything.

Unfortunately, other countries get involved, and are angry at Israel because Arafat is accusing the Jews of being overly combatative towards his people. Well, duh! It's a war, Mr. Funnyname. But people still won't call it a war; they call it "conflict". Conflict between stubborn rulers who get their people blown up because of a strip of land. But I suppose its all for the almighty, eh? I'm sure he's very proud.

We, the people of Odessa, Guadel la Resistance, Jebby Central, and Hollywood hereby dedicate ourselves to the promotion of misinformation-that-is-not-to-be-taken-seriously around the world, so that all may either A: enjoy or loathe the messages, jokes, and random crap in our stories, or B: believe everything, in which case you're a moron.

We will not stop until everyone knows exactly how out of it we are, and the only one who can stop us is George Clooney, but let's face it. He doesn't have a chance.

By Dick Cheney, straight from hospital

NORTH POLE-There's a new contender in the ring, fighting for the Oval Office. At 6 feet, 570 pounds, a stylish red coat, and a rather long beard, Santa, the Jolly Pimp, will be running for president in 2002.

"If elected, I will outlaw cookies and milk on Christmas Eve. I swear, don't you people think I like anything except cookies and milk? Cookies come from second rate companies and milk comes right out of the undersides of cows, for Pete's sake! And if you're really bad,

you leave me goat's milk, in which case I load your house so full of coal, a single spark would blow you off the face of the planet. However, if elected, I promise everyone in the USA a new present each morning. You'll have so many presents you won't know what to do with them!

"As for foreign relations, I say let the fools fight their own wars! Who has time to fight when we're opening all those presents, eh? And how bout them Russkies! We beat 'em in a war with no gunfire and suddenly they're useless. I mean, what's up with that? We don't

need to forget MAD! I certainly haven't. I had to fly around earth every Christmas, dreading the moment when my sleigh would be incinerated by a nuke. Do you know how bad reindeers smell when they're on fire? No, no you don't."

That is Santa's pitch for the election. It's good and all, except for one teeny tiny detail...

Santa doesn't get out much, and hasn't realized that there is no election in 2002. Tough break.