--IV CONQUEST--
"How to get your money's worth out of a college education by taking over the
world..."
by Colin Sullivan
In the year of the Queensbury class of nineteen hundred and ninety-seven,
there were four brothers who were not of blood, but instead of spirit. They were
Shane Stewart, AJ Charpentier, Colin Sullivan, and Dan Yousey-the IV. We were
christened the IV, and set out for college that year to prepare to fulfill our
unmistakable destinies of world conquest. Shane and I went to St. Lawrence
University, in Middle of Nowhe...I mean, Canton, NY. AJ was not far away, residing
at Niagara University, in Niagara Falls, NY, and Cadet Daniel Yousey obtained a
spot at the United States Air Force Academy (USAFA), in
Colorado Springs, CO.
The conquest begins with the dishonorable discharge of Dan from USAFA.
Apparently, Cadet Yousey had obtained top secret government information about the
eventual replacement of the human race by genetically superior clones. Yousey
escapes Uncle Sam's evil clutches, steals a stealth bomber, and contacts the IV
immediately. Somehow though, we'll already know and be preparing for it as Yousey
speeds down to Canton, NY, with a band of experimental-government-ninja-assassin-
clones hot on his trail. Yousey arrives at Canton where Shane and I are waiting.
I, an English Major at St. Lawrence, have taken the liberty of enacting a world-
wide public relations campaign, complete with precautionary subliminal propaganda
on the radio and TV, to obtain support for the IV. Shane, a Bio/Chem double-
major, has created several things to aid the IV in their fight against those power-
hungry-government-megalomaniacs. Due to the abundance of deer in the Northern
Adirondacks, Shane has engineered a race of genetically-mutated-deer-slaves and
also managed to control the worlds deer population problem in the process. He has
put them to work finding and constructing an underground-mountain-fortress nestled
deep in the Adirondack hills. Meanwhile, the government-ninja-assassin-clones have
caught up to Yousey at SLU, but are bested by Shane's loyal hordes of mindless deer
warriors. In fear that the IV will expose them, the leaders of government in
nations around the world, who are in cahoots on the whole genetic-mutant-
replacement scheme, decide that now is as good a time as any to take over the
world. Next, Shane, Dan, and myself pick up AJ, completing the IV. AJ, having
studied to become a kindergarten teacher, has long since created the idea for a
toy so powerfully irresistible that every child must have one. a Tickle-Me Elmo.
He then sold the rights for millions of dollars which funded the construction of
the IV's secret-mountain-hideaway (while helping to pay off those pesky college
loans); and has implanted within every Tickle-Me-Elmo a device that sends
electrical pulse waves through the body and directly into their brains (whenever
Elmo shakes) that coincide with a child's brain-wave patterns, and allows him
direct contact with the children. Next, we IV return to our mountain-bunker and
institute the final phase of our plan. Now while the world's governments have
their nuclear weapons aimed at the earth's somewhat peaceful inhabitants, the IV
have gained intense global popularity, the moons are aligned, there is only one
thing left to do--fight. Cadet Yousey, with his extensive computer training,
manages to tap into the central computer systems of the world and disarm all threat
of a nuclear holocaust, I rally and prepare the planet's population for World War
III, AJ instructs all the children on how and where to seek safety, while Shane
mass-produces his deer-warrior-minions and outfits them for battle. The battle is
staged in over 100 countries around the globe, and lasts for four long years. In
the end there are many casualties, the governments are badly beaten, and the earth
has been virtually torn asunder. Then, the survivors and children emerge from
hiding, and they are so grateful to the efforts of the IV to save their world from
a hostile take-over, that they proclaim them the new supreme rulers of earth.
Together the IV, with help from the survivors, rebuild Mother Earth into a
blossoming haven for safety, strength, nonviolence, and love-where we rule supreme.
Nonetheless, before we bask in our divine glory, exploit our loyal super-model fans
for sex, or live happily ever after, we will all make sure to do an extra-long
victory dance, just for old times sake.