August 2000

Aug 1 2000 (tues)

sighs and attempts to do this again..seems i was almost done with this very long posting of Aug 1..then closed it out by accident..*sighs*..no fair..so this is more of the lines take two of this entry..and i knows it is not going to seem the same way as i had it origginally..

Anway..yesturday i did something unbelievable..that even i cant believe i had the nerve to do..and that was to invite a good friend of mine into the city to meet me and Jim..Now i never met her before..and it may seem funny that i am bringining Jim into this..but it is the more of the line..he is helping me bring so many things out. But it is true..i am scared..had a talk with this today about the meeting set with my friend..and although the topic geared towards jealously..and i tried to stress that i am not jealous..truth is i am scared. *sighs*..See a few times..he has put on me his experience he had with other girls..and progects that onto me..which i understand..because i do the same thing to him..i progect all the abandonment, problems, and situations with my past unto him....but point is..this is one situation i fear..because i am afraid of losing my friends..both of them. Its hard to explain..it is not jealousy..and it shouldnt be..see Jim almost sees me as viewing him as a boyfriend...which is not the case..although i do view him differently..most of my guy friends..i view as either equals or below me..and they are treated as such accordingly..but Jim i hold in high respect..and feel below him in a sense..I have great respect trust..and like him..and it is also to the point where we did meet..and he may or may not be..depending on how things go..my trainer..umm think i may be fucking that aspect up..but..hope we can discuss this and talk..because i know he is not going to understand..anyway..the thing i fear is...it happened with Donavin..when Donavin became my Master..o0(not sugessting that Jim is going to be)..but when Donavin became that dominant figure in my life...my property became his property because I choose to give it over...however..my friends..which although is MINE..is not my property..and when Donavin came into the picture..my friends became his friends..only thing is he became so close to them..and they loved him so much..and he worked on there good side..that when he abandoned me..and gave me up..it was my friends that almost sided with him..*sighs*..Not only did i lose an abusive bastard like him..i lost them as well..who almost didnt believe me..How could Mr Perfect..ever do the things i said he did??..Fuck he named me sleen bait for over 2 months..that alone was derogatory..not too mention all the garbage he did to me..*sighs*..but that is besides the point..that is an online example..of the problem i am having...is that..If he comes in..as the dominant persepective..and takes over everything..in the event i lose him or it doenst work out or anything like that..everything is lost as well..*sighs*..is that the price of submission?..to lose everything giving to the Dominant?...I know it is not..but that is my hang-up i have with him.

I know it is still early on in anything..in fact he still hasnt officially said if he is going to train me or nto..it is almost like he is saying..yes we could..yes i would...question is..Is He?..Yes it is little things that are gearing towards it..but i think most of all i need reassurance on it...a simple straight answer

anyway i did freak out a little bit..he saw it as jeolousy..i am not jealous although sounds it..but i am afraid of losing her to him...but important thing is we are going to meet...it is just bad on my part that i am meeting her through him. Almost seems like i am not opened enough to do so..but if i am going to meet her..would rather do it through him..with him.. ..but we are going to have a nice dinner..hope it is soon..we didnt negotiate the finalities of it..but it is going to be soon. as for meeting him..umm wishes i could meet him soon again as well

Today was an interesting day though..woke up at 6am of all times on my day off..and just had so much energy didnt know what to do with..ended up cleaning..but more of the lines destroyed the room and diddnt finish..now i think my room is even more messier then it was earlier..i just couldnt have the strength to finish it..spend about 4 hours cleaning..then took a nice hot shower..shaved, and went shopping till i dropp..*giggles*

bad thing about shaving is..after sat and all that walking around without any underware..left a bad rash with the panty hose..*sighs*..even said to Jim i wanted to take them off..i should have..although bad side to it would have really caused too much of a temptation...but it left me with a bad rash..and being the stubble starting growing in because i didnt keep up with shaving..left me with even worst of a rash..*SIGHS*..but shaved very carefully today..and was almost in tears..as the water ran against my sensitive skin..*SIGHS*..hurt alot..good thing i had some heavy duty cream and ointment..felt all better..

did go shopping..*smiles*..had a great time..bought myself a black biker type vinyl skirt...a killer blood red satin blouse...a nice skirt for work along with a sweater top.....a book on dominatrix..*giggles*..umm maybe i do have my little dommes side to me..*smiles* All in all was a wonderful day..dont know what got into me with Jim..but...well...moods come and go..*shrugs*..just hopes he understands

Aug 2 (Wed)

You know..there seems to be a problem i am having..and dont really know if it is a good thing or a bad thing...but ironically i see it as a somewhat postive thing..although it really isnt..It has to do with Jim..for some reason we have a major communication problem when it comes to talking online. Almost every time we do talk online in the media of chat..there seems to be misunderstandings, confusion, problems in general..and we end up saying things that hurt each other and get us upset..Now i will admit i am a sensitive person..but there are things he says to me..that really do hurt..yet i have to look at it the other way..i must be saying things that he doesnt understand..that cause him to say those things to me. and the simple problem is miscommunication. On the phone..and in real life we talk fine..although yes..i do sometimes have a problem expressing myself..or what i am trying to say..and in those cases..i almost get to nervous..where i start studdering..hmm..never thought myself a studderer..but think my mind works faster then the mouth and it is almost like an umm umm umm umm situation. but when we talk on the phone..there doesnt seem to be any problems..and if there is a misclarification..we talk it over, discuss it..and both come to an understanding.. Here on the other hand it is a little different..seems if we have a little debate..turns into dont want to say in a fight..but turns into something where the emotions are on the edge..and we end up saying stupid things to each other.

Last night he said something that hurt me alot..and even thinking of it..it makes me wonder..I know i am probably going full speed ahead with this..i must be suffereing from a bad case of subbie fever..because it is almost like FINALLY..i finally am getting what i always wanted to feel..i am finally learning all this time..what i have been striving to understand..it is slowly finally comming to me..and i am like a vacume that just wants to suck up more and more and more...*giggles*..umm..i know my mind just completely wandered right then and there..but..that is besides the point..i am hungry for knowldege..even more now.and i know this type of attitude can ge me hurt..I know there are those out there who will take advantage of it..and use it against me..but i dont see Jim doing that to me..and that is why i trust him more and more..its true i can be wrong..but for him to say almost along the lines..that i will end up on a milk carton..and that he wishes me well with those mental mind fucker abusers..that really did upset me..it is almost like he doesnt want me to continue on with him. And well that is the line of miscommunication we are having..or most of all my self doubts that i project onto him. Damnit..he does indeed want to continue..he wouldnt be doing all that he is doing for me..if he didnt want to..yet it is almost like i need reassurance on this. *shrugs*...i dont know..gets me confused at times.

well anyway on the brighter side..work was well..although they had me cracking up in tears...they sort of know about my trip to the city..not everything..um..in fact..they know absolutely nothing..mearely the fact i met someone from online..*giggle*..but they had me crackign up by the way they were teasing me..saying how he must be good..to have me screwing up like anything..and truth was i really messed up today...a lady came to cash a check out..rather then holding it..i just withdrew money from her account..ummm..i forgot to cash out two checks..it was just one big mess..held us up for about 20 mins...but at least they werent angry at me..they know i dont make mistakes with the money and if i do have an error usually is something stupid like that.

umm Dont really know what to say..although i have been reading that pleasure slave training manual that i bought on sat..it is a good read..but geared more for sissy boy slaves..However i do like some of the activities..and been starting to do them myself..especially the ones that deal with silence..and being aware of surroundings...i have to somehow overcome my fear of silence in that respect..and seems to be comming out even more..is it because i am breaking it??..But i did go outside...and settled myself in the grass in a kneel..closed my eyes..and just focused on everything around me..the coolness of the wind rustling against my face...the tiny singing of the birds..the trees swaying..the sound of the bugs..humming..and most of all just focused on my heart, and my breathing..unfortunately couldnt kneel too long...oooo getting out of practice..use to be able to kneel with no problems for 20 mins....but didnt last 10...so went to a regular..indian style sitting...umm..have to work on my kneeling..think it may have its uses..*smiles evily*..but..i just enjoyed the deep thought..and tried to clear out my mind and focus..but all i could do was run sat in my head..and notice the little things..that i missed..but..at least i did some form of relaxation with myself.

Sat Aug 5

technically i havent been online the past few days due to what i now know is a punishment..however..i have written out by hand..the past few days just so i wouldnt lose site of what has been going on in my life...

Aug 3 Thurs

I should probably be rejoicing and happy for being able to overcome and addiction or be happy for pleasing one who is my (perspective??) Dom..but instead i am more of the lines frustrated and angry with myself of all things.

A simple activity was given to me..Stay the hell off line for two days..I know it was meerly an activity rather then a punishement because i was given a choice in the matter..to either do it or not. No questions asked..Just do it or dont do it.. but it seemed to me a punishment even more to myself and it is leaving me obviously frustrated..the only thing i find funny is i cant tell if it is because i am horny or not.

ok what am i feeling right now? God there is so much running through my mind. First off physically i am clutching unto the 2 ft of blue rope and lying half naked on my bed...umm I really should be naked....in fact..*takes off the top*..ok..now i am naked..*sighs*..I wonder to myself am i really that pathetic and cant stay off line? That i have made online so much apart of my life that without it i panic, go through withdrawals and get totally frustrated..umm actually maybe i am horny..i must be because i am getting absolutely drenched even writing this..and the images of being tied, teased and torment plagues my mind...ARGGGGGGG... Ok i know i am not making any sense..so i might as well talk about what happened today.

Work was busy, very busy and we were a little short staffed..but i took it one customer at a time..ironically by the end of the night everything hit right on. That was the first time that it really was..my checks were perfect, cash to the penny and i was really shocked..was even telling my manager how good i was doing while pushing the money cart into the vault...until..BOOM..i crashed the cart into the door..and a $10 dollar tray of pennies fell to the floor and bursted opened. All i could do at that point..was crack up laughing get down on my hands and knees and begin to pick up every single coin.

The big wigs of the bank did come in as well to congratulate our branch. It seems that there was a contest for 4 weeks..and our branch one all 4 weeks in a roow for successful appointments for investment broakers..ummm try saying that 3 times fast..but i was cluessles..and still have no idea what it is about..but at least the big shots came in...Only thing was i was dressed kind of revealing..and they knew it..one of the VIPs..just roamed his eyes up and down my body..see i knew i looked good..but to see him look at me in such a way..*smiles*..i had to laugh at that..wasnt even embarressed or anything..it just gave me the reassurance that i needed.

My mother on the other hand i didnt know how to discribe the face she gave me..it was a cross between shock, surprise, bewilderment..i dont think she ever saw me dressed so good..and it was the outfit i bought in mind to wear for Jim next time i see him..withough the leather pants..lol..but it was just a short black skirt..and a blood red satin blouse..really looked good. But when my mother picked me up from work and i came strolling out of the bank dressed to kill with high heels on..she just opened her mouth stopping short in almost shock asking.."don't you think that dress is too short?"

ANyway comming home i had no idea what to do..so i took a long needed nap and in waking up i actually wanted to go online so badly..but i was restricted..and i didnt want to disappoint JIm..so i actually went into the porch..curled myself up on a blanket..and meditated a bit clearning my mind. Then i spent about 20 mins brushing my cat..she loved it..but i was completely frustrated..and was pacing the house completely even started to clean my room..but my room is beyond repair..problem is i have too much stuff and not enough room for it.

Finally i did do something interesting..i started to really get excited..and was home alone..so i took the 25ft robe and did something i never did before..and erotic dance with it..just running it around my body..feeling the riples as i just moved and swayed to the music..but it was a slow type..it was fast, chaotic frantic. It was unlike something i ever did before..and makes me think if i can ever do this in front of another?..Then again makes me think of Gor..*sighs*.but not gor online..Gor real life...i should probably go into details about this dance alone..but i am not..all am going to say is by the end of it..i was a heated, sweaty mess..and just needed to take a cold shower..which i did...hmmm..although i think i may do something like this again..who knows.

Fri Aug 4th

Well today is day two of my "assigment" maybe i shouldnt even give it a lable because once again it is my choice on the matter rather then a no choice situation. I could easily go back online any time i want to but then i know that not only would i have failed myself i would have failed him as well..

All i will say is that i never truly realized how addicted i was to it until now. Has my whole life really succumbed to nothing more then a virtual world of wires key and a screen? It is sad..but there is a good side to it..was able to do some things for myself..cleaned my room a little bit..although that alone is still frustrating but if i do a little each day i wont be too overwhelmed. I did get to catch up no some reading, some relaxing..and just things for myself.

As for right now i am on my lunch break at work..I hate fridays..it is a very long day and it is not even half way over yet..but it just may be easier to stay away tonight being that i am not going to be home..I just wished i could talk to Jim. Technically i cant call him up this evening..for that act alone would be questionining him wouldnt it?..To call him up and ask him if i "may talk to him or not?" But he said it himself..no questions at all..Maybe this is indeed a punishement..for not only am i away from the internet..i am away from him as well.

I shouldnt make a big deal of it..but well tonight will be another night..and well since i get home late to begin with..it shouldnt be too bad. ..I just hope like anything he is online to talk to me tommorrow..i just need to at least know he is still there.

Back to Sat Aug 5

well that is what i hand wrote for the days i was offline..and yes..surprisingly i did get to talk to Jim last night..*smiles*..i shouldnt say suprisingly..but to me it was. I now learned what he did give me was indeed a punishement..yet even on that..i didnt understand at the time it was..punishment for me..has always been a no choice situation..it meant i failed at something..and a punishement to correct it would ensue...Truth is..i didnt "fail" at anything in this case..what happened was i let my insecurities get the best of me..and delved back into a shell rather then the strong person..that i am learning..and am if it wasnt for these small spurts every now and then..and this punishement slapped me back into place and understood it.

what i liked about it..the way that it was done..was that there was no remourse in the punishement..Jim did ask me when we talked on the phone if i was angry at him..I wasnt..if anything i was angry at myself for the way I reacted. I dont know if i showed him that i wasnt mad at him or not..but..i was genuinely surprised..at the umm i am going to say "care" he used in this..Yes he punished me..but didnt leave me to wallow alone on the punishement..as soon as he got home on Fri..he called me up right away..of course..i was still at work at the time...and he talked to my family..umm..wonders how he felt talking to my grandma?...anyway..I called him right away as soon as i got home and we discussed this. I do feel alot better..and actually glad i am back on line..*smiles*..he said that i took it well..and that because i was so creative with my spare time..*giggles*..he allowed me to go back online on Fri..i only went on for a few min to check email and stuff..but if anything was truly shocked at the outpouring of messages on the castle board..DAMN..i have yet to see the board in any place other then gor..with such an outpouring of responses on a topic..i was genuinely impress..although i feel a little bit lost since i was somewhat lost track with all the messages. It is just wonderful to see how in over the course of 2 days about 40 messages popped up..*smiles*..

other then that..umm everything seems to be going well in my life..no complaints..my feet are aching me..have to relax them more often when wearing heels..either that..or stay away from the high shoes for a bit...but tonight i am just going to relax..althogh have nothing planned this evening nor tommorrow..sighs..NO FAIR.

Aug 6 (sun)

Yesturday seemed like a long day from hell..I truly have to admit..doing the two day assigment made me realize i fucking hate being in the chat rooms..Actually i probably already realized it being for the past few months i have been slowly, slowly gearing away from the chat realm until finally i only show up every wed...or if anyone happens to want to talk here and there. But it seems being in the rooms is really depressing..Maybe it is because things have changed so much..maybe it is because i changed so much. I used to be the person EVERYONE knew..everyone went to for help..and everyone loved...but at what price did i pay for popularity..was at the point i wanted to kill myself. I couldnt even be online without someone coming to me in tears..but who was there for me when i cried?..Only one was..and to this day i still love him as a friend..even if we can never be together. Anyway..i went roaming around yesturday..and was met with hostility from my friends i held dear..they yelled at me and told me to lighten up..Yes i became a tightwad when around them..but every time i go in that room we end up having a fight..and these are people i loved trusted..and told everything to..*sighs*..they used that part against me..and well now i guess i truly dont belong in the meadow any more. It hurts..it really does and the sad thing is i fully know well it was my fault..i turned my backs on them to go to Gor and be with Donavin.and well..i made a wrong choice..and now i pay for it.

Aside from that..i was just completely restless..damnit was too restless..i logged on a total of 12 times yesturday..updated my diary...worked on the scrolls for wed..but i just kept going on and off on and off..it was like i wanted to be on..but was so unfufilling..there was nothing to do here...almost like the comparison of using a remote control on tv..and keep changing the channel...only thing is i am not a tv watcher..but just using a comparison. I just couldnt find anything to do last night..was pacing the house..did some reading and was frustrated with that...did a lot of playing..was still frustrated...went for a walk with the family...and i was just completely frustrated with myself..I really dont know why..have i truly grown past online to the point where just being here gets me sick?

Onto real life..since i know my mind is rambling..there seems to be bad news for my family..but some how some way we will pull through and it is strange how it is a twisted circle. My grandmother who died 2 years ago..had my father as a co-signer on the credit card bills..well...her bills now became his bills..as a result..the credit company no questions, no notification..just Sliced my fathers bank account completely dry..leaving him with no money. That effects my mother..who was relying on the money my fater was going to give money to my grandfater for rent..who was going to give that money to my mother for the morgage. As a result..my mother has no money for the mortgage..i cant give her any because i am VERY tight this month..due to my little excursions out..which i pray to god i do soon..just dont know how..*sighs*..and well my loans, bills, and credit cards are due all at once..and i am a little short..*sighs*

it just completely frustrated my mother..hmm i seem to be using that word to much..but that is how i feel right now...but she was upset..aside from that..her day didnt go so well either when she got into a small car accident before work...thank god nothing major happened..just a slight indent in the bumper with a lot of scratched paint..She cant inform the police or insurance on the matter being her inspection sticker is long past due..and she doesnt have the money to pay for fixing the car..*giggles*..i know i shouldnt be laughing..but it is almost one of those crying ironic laughs..

well to break the mood..being we were all miserable last night..we thoguht what the hell might as well celebrate..cant pay the bills this month anyway..so she took $50 and we went to the carnival they are having down the road...umm technically $50 for 3 people at a carnival is absolutly nothing. but we got some food, and played a few games..*smiles*.i did manage to bring a big smile on my mothers face..and think it was the meer fact of getting something for herself..but they had the dart throwing game where you have to get it in the tiny little hole..not easy especially since it was a long distant dart...on the second try BULLSEYE..i hit directly in the center..that even i was shocked...and i pointed to all the big prizes..and said to my mother..go ahead choose anyone you want..*smiles*..To see her face light up..i mean i know i am sounding like my mother is weak and juvenile.>SHE IS NOT..but just to see the smile she had on her face..when she choose one of those taco bell dogs..and i mean this thing was huge..and to see her hug it..and say "yo quiero taco bell"..i had to smile..i really did. My mother works so hard at times..and has always worked so hard in bringing me up which hasnt been easy considering everything that has happened. It was just a little thing like this that made me realize a lot.

Darn why do i find myself crying at this moment? well that doesnt matter..I did try calling Jim up..he wasnt home..but maybe it was better i didnt talk to him. There is just so much of a downside a person can hear of another. Yes i know he can help me..and omg does he ever do. Just thinking about him at times..can totally switch my mood completely. Is it just him..maybe not..because i dont want him to think i am emotionally attached to him to the point i cant break free. No by far not. I can walk away any time i choose..but why should i? He is a wonderful person..can teach me so much..and has a talent for bringing me out of a shell and making me feel like i am on top of the world..and it is true..I am amazed at myself at the way i am starting to creep out. I mean i am starting to be more talkative to people, am starting to go out more..even if it is only for a walk around the neighborhood.

*giggles* do have to tell a funny incident..when we went to the feast..well i wasnt wearing any bra or undies..and had on a very short shorts..and tee-shirt..this guy just walked in ..took one look at me..and growled..like a big cat...*giggles*...i couldnt help it so i answered back with a giggle..OOOOOOOOOO...and gave an evil blushing smile to him..*shrugs*..dont ask me what overcome me..infact..i was way too opened on that note..that even my mother asked me "Do you know him?"..i just shook my head..said no Mom..but he is cute..*giggles*..and left the store...i think my mom was just shocked on that note.

well sad thing is it is only 8am on this sunday morning..and i have nothing planned to do although have been doing laundry now..*SIGHS*..this is going to be a LONGG Day.. YOu know something told me i wanted to contact jim..talk about selfish..but was almost hopping that maybe i could pop down and see him even if it is just a walk through central park today..or maybe....mmmmm *sighs*...oh well next time..then again how selfish of me to think this...he has probably much to do today..maybe it is just me being really really really bored.. *SIGHS*

(later on that evening)..I really dont like having all this time on my hands..especially with nothing to do...sure there is so much i can do..but its like i am moving from one activity to another..and just really bored out of my mind. Comming here isnt helping. Ironically i know no what is..The castl i am probably becomming overly obsessive with since it is almost the last thing i have here..and it is almost like right now in my mind..just want to pull the plug on the whole thing..say FUCK YOU ALL..and just disappear in the shadows..but of course i am not going to do that..i built it up..desparately tried to build it up all this time..and now finally it has a back bone..that people can handle it themselves..almost seems like when i do open my mouth i am met up with hostility. Maybe it is just me...i wasnt that nice to them to begin with..but still. Or maybe it is that i crave too much attention..but most of my posts..unles a post that is a direct insult..are ignored..then again..i try to post each and ever time..maybe that is wrong of me. Because i havent been saying anything important anyway. *sighs*..If Jim was here..he would probably re-punish me again for giving into my self esteem. Is it that i am giving into my self esteem or that i am losing something i hold dear..My friends my family..i am losing my online life..for real life. And NO i am not talking about to Jim...but everything in general..i have no desire to be here..none what so ever..but yet look at me..still here..just to placed this entry up on the site..pathetic isnt it. I was pacing the house..went for a walk took a nap..went out with the family..and there is still absolutely nothing to do..and looking at the time it is only 5pm..damnit..still have a full night ahead of me to go.

what is going on with me lately. NOt happy with online..NOt happy offline..and yet..i know..i shouldnt have said it earlier..but going to say it again..i do want to meet more and more..not just Jim..although i think i do really want to meet him again...but who am i kidding..he is waiting for a reason..but all i see is my insecurities..almost like why would he ever want to do anything with you melanie.DAMIT..i should slap myself for that. But the next time i do meet Jim..it probably isnt going to be dinner and coffee..and a nice stroll through the park..no it will probably be me tied teased made to cum..and tormented..*shudders*..o0(umm maybe that is exactly what i need)....*sighs* it has to be the fact it is a weekend..ever since my weekends are now filled with open spaced being i am not slaving over my job for 50-70 hours a week and comming home exhausted..i really dot know what to do with my time notice the trend alone in the diarys..ever weekend i have a complex about something. I have all this extra time..and it is almost like i need to be told what to do with it. Yes i could exercise..and probably should right now..i seem to have excess tension i need to work off..however..i found that exercising in this type of a mood for me..does more harm then good..because i get too agressive..and suffer the consequences for days on end..*sighs* Its the weekend..all this time and nothing to do..and yet it is almost too funny how i think selfishly..as if Jim has nothing to do himself..of course he does..he has a life as well...he cant always talk to me..

ARGGGG why do i have to torment myself in such a way..today was another day logging on off on off on off..there is nothing to do...think i need a hobby...i have a hobby..there is just so many time you can put in order about 2000 pokemon cards, baseball cards, magazines, stamps..and there is just so much poetry one can write..especially when you cant think. ummmmm ..i dont know what to say. *POUTS* :(

Tues Aug 8

well it is only 11:30 am and absolutely bored..*SIGHS*..today is going to be a LONG DAY..*giggles*..although i think i am ready to take a nap..i am a little tired right now. I woke up at 6am this morning..6 in the morning on my day off..that is insane...and i just jumped out of bed with so much energy i didnt know what to do..So i went exercising with my grandmother..*giggles*..yes..first time going to jazzercise..i have to say i had a blast it was wonderful..and did seem to calm my excess energy..*smiles*..i think i may actually stick with it..maybe 3 times a week at night and the morning on my day off..i should..i could use the exercise..will help with my diet..as well as will make me feel better about myself..and it really isnt too much money compared to a gym membership or something..*sighs*..and to think i had free access to the gym when i worked there.oh well..that is the price to pay for laziness. But i did go to the class for an hour and 15 this morning..it was great...

as for doing anything tody..i have nothing planned...*sighs*..my mother went off to visit my father and grandfather..i could have went but not in the mood to hear my grandfather..i just cant stand him at times...and well being that i only literally have 50 cents in my pocket till friday.*giggles*..things are kind of tough....umm..as for this morning..my grandma paid the $5 for the class..not that bad..but it would be $48 for 3 months unlimited if i decide to stick with it..hmmm..may do so..i do get paid frid....have to think about it.

Aside from that..it seems October films LOVES my cyber sex scenes..and asked me if i am willing to go out and get more scenes....they even want to do an interview and have me make a statement on the gorean culture for their upcomming book..*giggles*..that could get a little messy considering how the goreans view me..and how i do as well..But it is excited that i am able to get this type of recognition..*smiles* Too bad there is not monetary rights to it..no fair..but at least my work does get credit.

the only thing is..can i just cyber like that?..i mean sure i can..but what would that prove..that i am an online slut?..hmm..maybe i am a real life closet slut as well..just havent been given the chance to explore it. I mean i think how wonderful this is..that they think highly of my personal erotic scenes...but..at what price did i have to learn to be able to do that stuff?..It was a painful one..Took a lot out of me in order to truly learn how to express myself sexually. Funny thing is..so easy to do so here when typing or online..That is not the case in real life.

Jim gave me an assigment that the next time i talk to him on the phone..to give him a detailed description of how i would like, think or fantasize how our first scene..or i should say..next meeting r/l would go...For me that is really hard to literally talk about. Sure i can email him a full description detailed account..that is totally true to the way i feel...but to actually say it to him in words. To have him hear my tension hesitations..his reactions..his breathing..just to listen to him and he listen to me..is overwhelming for me..And i really dont know how to express what i am thinking. It is almost like my mind is completely thinking of everything..but yet i stop myself from saying it..Dont know why..maybe fear, maybe shame..or maybe it is just in the back of my mind..i feel these thoughts are wrong..I know they are not..and I know right now i am giving into my low self image..so i am not going to do that..*takes a deep breath calming down for a moment*.

Not going to go into low self esteem..but will say a fact. I need to learn how to overcome and be more expressive in what i am really thinking and feeling inside..and be more open and communicative with Him. That is a fact.

hmm other then that..not too sure what to say..its still early in the morning..it is hot as anything..hmm i may actually take another shower...*shrugs*..it is hot enough..could use a cool down..*sighs*...but will admit..i am absolutly bored..and there is nothing to do :(.

Aug 10 Thurs

i know i havent been writing in here..bad me..but well been a little distracted..met a face from the past and it was so refreshing to finally talk to him again..*smiles*..THT..one of the few bondage Masters who introduced me and helped me..seems to have come back to yahell..and the sad thing was the only reason i realized it was because i was trolling..umm i know..bad me..but consider me desparate for the new book..funny thing is is..as of yet..still havent been able to troll. It is almost like each time i even attempt to something happens or someone pops on..or what not. but maybe it is best i dont troll. Anway..had a wonderful talk with THT..and yes..topic was bondage of course..*smiles*..and we were talking about the basics..the granny knot vs the square knot..and why Jay Wiseman had enough balls to stand up that the square knot is completely useless for bondage..*giggles*...was a nice conversation miss talking to him. But he did convince me to buy a flogger..*giggles*..actually always wanted to buy one of his floggers..but when he disappeared..well..i couldnt. But now that he is back going to purchase one tommorrow..plus they are reasonably priced for a hand made one made out of completely rope..*giggles*..so being i get paid..said i was going to pick one up..hmm too bad i couldnt have it by SUN...*sighs*..oh well.

*giggles*..umm yes think my mind is on sun..going to meet Jim again..and this time..umm well..will wait till then to say it..for i really dont know what is going to happen..although my mind is wandering with wonderful indept scenes. *shrugs*..will wait and see what happens

things have been going all right. I am in a lot of pain every since i went exercising..umm.think i have to take it easy with my body..it is great that i am willing to go..and have been doing so..but i am all aches pains and tight. and tonight it is hurting me even more..so i am just going to try to relax and easy the pain.

Other then that..not too sure what to say...things have been going rather well..and i just cant wait till sunday..well cant even wait till tonight..would like to talk to Jim..although this time i hope we dont have a communication problem..i said something i shouldnt have said..and it really upset me to see the way it upset him..i felt so hurt that it made him feel that way..question is..why did i say it?..*sighs*..there are probably a few reasons..but not going to get into that. I just was sorry...at least..we were able to turn it around..*smiles*..and end the night off on a happy note..at least i hope we did.

Aug 12 (sat)

well i have to admit i am a little nervous but also overwhelmed with excitment..going to meet Jim tommorrow and going to dominate the hell out of him..*giggles*..or should i say attempt to..I really dont know how far i can go..or what i am capable of..but just thinking of it makes me feel so much pwerful confindent and especially horney..*giggles*

have so many wonderful ideas..but being i have never done any of them before i am worried..i mean i am thinking of doing some flogging, some electric play..and a big thing we are both talking about is sanguinism...umm..even got the needles and antiseptic ready for that..but that is rally on my mind..to tie him up and bind him completely suckling on his blood as i gently prick certain key areas. *shudders*..even that is giving me warm wonderful feelings. But i just hope i can handle it..might not be the best way to start a BDSM trining relationship..but seems we are both switches..he will learn about me and my fantasies..and i get to explore them with him. *giggles*..it is exciting though.

*smiles*..in fact i was so into it..even made my own flogger today..dont ask me what compelled me to do so...but what happened was i bought 200ft of new nylon rope..and when i was cutting it..it started to unravel in a funny way and right away i thought of the tickler..so decided to try it out..and well made a beautiful flogger..but the handle completely sucks..did have a good handle..but it unraveled completely..so then trying to redo it..ended up in one big huge ugly knot..wasnt happy with it..so i took some satin and just wrapped it around the big knot..*sighs*..dont like the handle..but that is besides the point..it will provide great stimulation and i am happy with it although hate the handle..but hey..i am an amature with no training what so ever in floggers..so i am proud of this little one..*giggles* i do have a special goodie bag all set up for tommorrow some special things to use..and what not..*smiles evily*..well i know after tommorrow will have sooo much to write about..so going to leave it here..because nothing much is happening..Although do have to say one thing..been talking to a friend of mine..*sighs*..he seems not to be doing to well..and to think if anything..would like to meet him just once..just one time..but he would probably dominate the hell out of me..for i know i cant resist him no matter how good of a job i do here..and i will admit i am a complete and total bitch to it..but have to say do have feelings for him..but we are just two different people..and our relationship is based solely on friendship..although it is a friendship we have yet to even meet in real life yet. *shrugs*...maybe some day i could..would love to..but i just want him to get better..not get more lost in the fantasy..for that is what i see him doing..getting lost to the online realm and giving up on life. I love him too much for that to happen.

Aug 14 Monday

wow oh wow oh wow..dont even know where to begin..there is just so much to tell and unfortunately right now i am totally exhausted beyond anything and in slight pain...but going to tell what i can before i crash..and if i do..can always continue tommorrow with all i have to say..*smiles*..because i know i am going to be in reflection of this for a long time.

Anyway i met Jim yesturday at his apartment..and we planned on a day of scening..yes i would be the one primarily dominating if i could..but it didnt have to be just scening. It was whatever felt comfortable at that time. No Pressure. *giggles*..well as soon as we got into the door...within 10 mins already he had me tied up in his bedroom with a tie of his..*giggles*..i know i am so bad..but it just was like one thing lead to another which lead to another. He made a home made pully type system..i have to admit ingenious..but i could tell right away that it was something new..the rope was just too perfect..brings almost a smile to my face thinking that he thought that up just for me...lol much more creative then over the door..i have to admit. Anyway..we started teasing and although he started in control..he gave the control over to me..i was running my hands down his body..he was just so hard..bulged right through his pants..caressing him was wonderful..until i finally got not only enough nerve..but asked him..and well i unsnapped his pants and pulled them down exposing his cock..*giggles*..i sound like i am writing a porno story here or somehting difference is this actually happened..His cock was beautiful..just staring at it alone..was wonderful to feel the soft delicate skin which was hard as a rock in muscular strenth..the slight wetness of the precum..which was already evident..as his underware was slightly wet..and just the feel of him was wonderful..ran my fingers against him completely..until finally got the nerve to just begin to suckle upon him..taking it within my mouth running my tongue against him..I was getting into ecstasy justt as much as he was.

It was then i blind folded and began to tease him..*blushes*..put clothes pins on his nipples..which was a cute idea..until he complained that the right hurt a little bit..the sadist in me..took it off and immediately turned it 90 clock wise to put it on him..and at that moment i have never seen anyone in so much pain in my life..i felt soo bad that i hurt him..that i quickly took them off..and rubbed his nipples to sooth him..That point scared me..and i have to admit i felt bad..i didnt mean to hurt him..but luckily it didnt spoil the moment. Have to remember he was bound and blindfolded at this time..tied him up in a cute little secure bind..that didnt involve any tying whatsoever..*giggles*. It was then i was testing out a little electric play..took out a 9 volt battery asking if he ever did this before..he knew it would hurt..so i told him to stick out his tongue..he seemed reluctant...but he finally did so..ZAP..i shocked him..*giggles*..i then put it on his tip of his penis..it does take a few seconds to kick in..but as soon as he felt it..i removed it..*giggles*..was an interesting new sensation for him. I then told him to open his mouth..he had the nerve to say no..he feared the battery so much..i zapped him anyway for it...but told him again to open his mouth..now i saw he was really getting scared..so i slowly guided the edge of the battery across his toungue and as a treat..when he thought i was going to zap him..placed a chocolate kiss in his mouth and pressed my lips against his..*smiles*..that was nice..to feel the chocolate melting and molding within our lips..and the sweetness in the union. Maybe at times i am too much of a romanticist..but i love that idea..and it was so beautiful.

i also did tease him with my homemade flogger he seemed to like that..but it was the panty hose issue which was the big thing..He calls them the devils creation..Although he knew i had no underware beneith..being i never wear them..the pantyhose was a terrible barrier..he didnt know while i was touching and caressing him..i slowly slid them down my legs..he didnt even hear me doing so..and when i asked him if he thought i had them on..he said yes i did.i brought his hands against the smoothness of my legs..allowing him to touch me. It was then that i almost gave up my role as Mistress..and let the right thing take course..Its true i loved taking control watching him slither and squirm in my bounds..and just enjoyed sucking him and the creative thigns i could do to him.i just needed him to be in control was so much better.

i do have to admit..i know i am going out of order on somethings..as well as probably forgetting much..because so much happened..and i was so far zoned out in what i now understand as subspace..that i am trying to remember all that happened..but not having much luck with it. But he did tie me up in the bounds..and it was almost an eel bondage demonstration. Almost everything he tied me up in ..i was able to get out completely..He thought it was kind of amusing...was able to get out of leather cuffs, and it was more of the lines an observation lesson for the both of us..He was able to watch me escape from his stuff..which would help to better himself next time..i was giving him pointers of what he can do to improve it..as well as..i found it absolutely a wonderful challenge to truly think of creative ways to escape..and some of them was..but i do have an advantage..the fact that not only am i flexible with my wrist but i am smart as well..*giggles*

I do hope he wasnt insulted by what i did..doesnt seem to be..because as we talked..he did seem i dont want to say proud..but he seemed surprise and now understands the extent of how serious i take bondage..as well as what i do know..hmm maybe i dont give myself credit enough as well..but i guess bondage is seriously my kink. Anyway after the little bondage fiasco..and of course he was teasing me..*smiles*..it was then we turned to something which was all new to me..anal play...hmm or did this happen before?..umm..no was after..see do have to admit..my time line is out of order..but i do remember what happend..just not in good detail..

Anyway..i have always been turned on by anal sex..but truth is never did it..sure i practice using hair brushes..and relaxed in various ways..but to feel a mans dick ramming me in my ass..never felt that before..but i was just so turned on when he started rubbing his penis against my slit..i was getting so into it..was when he grabbed a huge glop of k-y and placed it on my hand guiding me back to his penis to lube him up..and told me to guide him into me..I was shocked...to slowly feel him entering me..the pain was almost unbearable..but felt wonderful..my heart was racing..and when i bended over the bed..with my ass all the way up preparing to take him fully..and to feel it slowly slide in stretching my virginal ass to the limit..but he went so slowly and thank goodness he listened to every movment sound and guidence i gave him or it would have been worst..i even had to tell him to just stop..dont move..at certain times..because the pain was unbeliable..my eyes started to water..but i didnt cry..and just clenched them up..and when slowly i was able to accept him..feeling him push deep into me..thrusting into me..as i moaned...i was totally getting lost in the moment..was like i wasnt eeven there..just pure sensations..i did notice however..that as i was bend over..i extended my arms out..and crisscrossed them..was like i naturally went into a semi karta gorean position as he rammed into me. I didnt know what was happening...but he came completely in my ass..i didnt even know it..and was confused almost when he stopped..i thought something was wrong that i did something wrong. it was wonderful..but i didnt even know he went all the way. I didnt cum at that point..although i was gone and lost..but i do have to say it was wonderful. It was at that point..we just decided to take a break..get some food..get dressed..which we did.

I had a wonderful chicken parmasean meal..was a nice italian pizzaria..in which we brought back to the apartment..and we settle down popping in the movie "the mummy" and was just eating. I felt uncomfortable in the beginning being he was serving me. Almost felt as if i should be the one serving him. but he was a perfect gentleman telling me to relax calm down..and enjoy. At one point he did scold me. which he was right and although my face..was almost of a guilty smile..not trying to be insolent..but when i am nervous..i end up smiling and blushing alot..but..i knew i disappointed him at that moment..because i couldnt answer a question directly..i kept waffling. I just didnt want to seem like in control..and when he asked me what i wanted to do a few times..my only answer was whatever you wish. He didnt want to know what i wanted him to do..he wanted to know what was on my mind. I realize that now..and hopefully i was able to fix that after he told me..i think i did because he really never went back to that topic..so maybe i did learn that lesson and no punishment was needed at that point.

anyway we watched the Mummy great movie..and i was embraced in his arms..i almost wished he teased me completely through the whole movie..but he didnt..i should have just began to tease him..but the movie was really good..as well as i just enjoyed the comfort of being nestled in his arms. At one point in the movie he did something shocking which..felt Sooooo good. And that was he covered my mouth powerfully with his hand. Making me silent..and controlling my speech. That one simple act alone..was so overpowering..i just had to close my eyes..and remain in silence..as i listened to the movie..it was wonderful. And i realize that he is training me in that respect for not only a gag but for breath play as well. And that was a beautiful image to have his hand covering my mouth..just thank god he didnt pull out a gag..although he did when we were looking at his toys..but i needed it out of the way. gags scare the hell out of me. but maybe i will get over that with him..but for now..dont even want to think of them

once the movie was over..well..that was when we both retired to the bed room...set the lights down low..and lit candles which was a wonderful romantic setting..the way they gave off a nice warm glow in the darkened room..it was beautiful..and perfect for the mood. Think i would have freaked with the bright light that was almost too cold, sterile and just wasnt pleasant..but the soothing background music..and the warm glow of the light just suited perfect..It was then he slowly took off my clothes before him..easing them totally off. that was scary..oo do have to mention..ealier with all the anal, oral sex..i had my clothes on..i never fully removed them all..he just lifted my short skirt up and took me that way..umm was much more then just a simple one two three..but point is the first 4 hours or so..had my clothing on. Anyway..so here we are in this all too perfect setting he ties me up with the binds..which took a few mins to get the right binding being i was able to get out of a lot..plus..wanted something which was useful..but it worked out beautifully..i felt so much more comfortable..secure..in the ropes..i just felt i needed to be in them..that the ropes was my escape..my freedom to enjoy the sensations..and i did get lost in it..i was in a far off land as he teased me..touched me..i even collapsed against his shoulder..and almost collapsed in the binds losing my footing..when he pressed against me..but to have him touch me..was so wonderful..i never heard myself moan..but i was with him. I then knelt down still bound on my knees..and that was the first time i ever knelt before not only him..but knelt down befor anyone else in my life. I couldnt even lift my eyes up to him..i just remained in a semi nadu..umm..ok..was more of a tower position..with my thighs slightly parted not all the way..kept my modesty..but he didnt spread them opened..he just came into my line of view..unzipped his pants..and pulled out his beautiful cock..which i just begin to suckle and tease away. I never thought i loved sucking cock so much and to press my lips against him..especially when i was still bound..he must have planned that part..because the way he tied my hands up..tied them up in such a way that they were almost in a praying postion just below my neck..so in other words..i was bound but was able to use my hands as well. I just got lost in the moment of sucking him..i think i must have sucked him for about 20 mins or so..and thought i was terrible at it for him not cumming..but it was at that point i had to pull away..for not only was my legs getting numb from the kneel..i realized the bindings was wayy too tight. And i almsot started to panic he couldnt really get it off too fast..but he must have knew it was too tight as well..but finally i just bit the damn knot that he was fumbling to get it out of..and was able to get out of it...he did massage my wrists..but on the down side..it caused some damage..for now..it is swollen completely red..family doesnt like the looks of it..and does hurt..but..well..at least it was taken care of right away..and proves that even those who do take precautions like me..who is big on safty..accidents do happen. but i dont regret this..also taught me a lesson..that BDSM isnt all fantasy..the reality of it..is things do happen..but my wrist will be fine just is swollen and hurts.

Anyway..even after that moment..was still lost...maybe that is why it didnt hurt as much as it did until later on and today..my body was probably pumping with so much adrenaline, endorphins and i was on a rush that i didnt even realize it. But..he did tie me up to his bed spread eagle..and climbed on top of me..and well with a condom this time..um..didnt have one with anal...i trust him enough that it wasnt needed..i just pray that my faith in him in that respect is for the better..but..he did use a condom for vaginal penetration..and well..not going to get into details about that..but i was so hot and horny and ready for it..i was shaking even before hand..not out of fear but out of total wild desire..and the sad part was..i had a curvfew and time was running out completely. Important thing he was able to cum..*giggles*..2 times with me. :)...me on the other hand..i truly dont remember if i did or didnt cum or not. I was too dazed. It just hit me so strong the feelings..i felt like i wasnt even there..but i dont think i came..but i could be wrong. I just loved it when he was on top of me..pressing against me with his hardness..and covering my mouth..he almost did a rape fatasy type aspect..of him pinning me down..i absolutly loved it so much..but i didnt resist..didnt want to resist..was too much fun to try to resist.

all in all was a wonderful evening..i had a good time learned alot. And well i walked on the edge as well for not only was no condom used during the anal sex..but i also partook in a small sanguinist scene..i sucked his blood from his finger that he pricked with a needle. I know that is probably insane to most people..but that has always been one of my biggest fantasies..and the site of his red life force comming out dripping out from his wound..and just pressing my lips to it..suckling on the sweetness of his blood..was just wonderful I trust that nothing will happen..and being a condom was used..not afraid of pregnancy. I just had a wonderful time..and i know Jim did as well although he does now see me as an equal rather then a simple novice submissive who is actually clueless. hmm..intersting almost..but i had a great time..was something i will never forget..and i hope to do so with him again..because..*shudders*..he was absolutly wonderful.

Aug 15 Tue

Well..the more and more i think about what happened on sund..the more that is comming to my mind. It is almost even thinking about it..i drift off in a dream like state. The feeling of him looming over me..pinning my hands...covering my mouth with his hand..I mean everything was just absolutely wonderful..but well i learned a lesson..it can be dangerous..and have a very sore wrist because of it..yes..still swollen and was almost agony working on not only the computer..but counting large ammounts of cash today..just that constant quick motion and movement with the wrist when counting..plus..the fact it is my right wrist and i am a righty..that doesnt help..but taking it easy and although now it is still very very sore..the swelling seemed to have gone down so that is a plus. I am just glad i didnt get rope burn..yes..i did get inside damage..but no rope burn whatsoever..*smiles*..so that is a plus as well :).

Last night i did get a chance to talk to a good friend of mine. I havent talked to him in a while..and since i was sort of barred from the computer because Jim only would allow me 15 min to be online and finish the journal entry for last night..um..you can see it is a long one..lol..but i asked if i may call Him up..and he said it was fine..and we had a great conversation..but it is almost sad how much he truly changed. He is actually happy and i feel almost a sense of pride he has for me..that i finally after all this time..understand..and that this lifestyle is truly for me..I was able to answer that question because of Jim..*smiles*...sure it was always something i dreamed about fantasized about..but to actually be kneeling before someone..to actually be bound by another and teased..OMG..it was wonderful..and this isnt just a "Phase" as my family haved hoped. anyway..Talking to him..it is true he has been fucked over so many times by girls..but now it is him doing the fucking over..and it is almost sad. He is a complete and total asshole using and abusing anyone he can. My god how can i say that about him..i dont know..maybe it is the love and friendship i have for him..that it really scares me to see how much he changed. He changed soo much..and maybe it is for the best we never did meet up until this point. Because the way i was compared to now..is much different..at least now..i understand the feelings i am going through. But the point is...he turned into a complete man whore would seem like a good choice of words..he has been playing with every slave he can find..and is currently training 3 slaves r/l at this moment. And he told me..he is looking for a slave of his own..and Yes.i say slave..he doesnt want a sub..He used to only want a sub..now he totally was a fucking slut who is not only gorgeous and appealing to the eyes..will do whatever he fucking pleases..I am just surprised at the way things have turned out..and how much he has become a real life Gorean. Gor has eaten everyone up..especially me..But if anything..he is the ideal Gorean..A man only out for himself and his pleasure..And even on the phone i couldnt resist him no matter how much i tried. We didnt do anything..but..I was always warned from various people about him. But the question is..does he truly mind fuck me..or is it i allow him to??.. HE did capture me in a corner..when i said to him i can say no to you no matter what..He asked me to tell him the last time he didnt get his way with me..and i realized..*sighs*.he always did eventually get his way with me..no matter what..he always did. hmm..wonders if it is because..he is so damn powerful..i am weak..or just the fact..i never did want to go against him no matter what..and not talking about sexual issues..but just power in general..He always seemed to get his way..oh well..*shrugs*.

Back to JIm..*smiles*..*takes a deep breath*..i really dont know what to say..i had a wonderful time..and it almost seems like by the way Jim talks about it..almost wonders if he wants me to regret what we did. What we did i consented to completely. HE didnt take advantage of me..he did everything i wanted..and so much more. I was shocked when he took me anally..wasnt even especting him to ever do that to me..but to feel his cock inside me..maybe truthfully i have to understand anal sex..and hope he wasnt disappointed..but it was so painful and tight going in..but once there was a rhythem...*takes a deep breath*..hmm..there was a suggestion to me to look into a butt plug to train my ass so it isnt to the point where i have to tell him to stop stop stop..i mean..because as i felt him sliding it..it was so painful yet so wonderful..i had to scream to him dont move....*shudders..god..even now the image going through my mind..is getting me totally excited*..I wish i could talk to JIm tonight..actually i am hoping i could..really am..i know i been calling him up almost every night..i just wish i could talk to him..tell him how i feel..talk about what we did..what happened..how he feels..maybe i think over a long run...anyway i hope i could talk to him tonight..misses him already..*giggles*..i would call him up..but my family flipped over the phone bill this month..*shakes head*..I am paying for it..yet they are complaining and bitching..geeze..I gave them the money for it..and i even paid my cell phone bill..*giggles*..yes finally got a cell phone and is providing that extra protection and securtiy when i am in the city with Jim and everything..good thing to have. But..so what if the phone bill is high..i am paying for it..that is the consequences for talking so much..but it was well worth it..plus..between calling Missouri..and NY..it adds up..i know..my bad.

Aug 16 Wed

well..my wrist feels much better..swelling is down..just very sore..but overall it is fine. I have been keeping it elevated..putting ice on it...and have been restricting it..and although still tight..no longer painful as much as it was. Things today was all right..had a long day at work and unfortunately i was short..*sighs*..i feel terrible about it...proofed out the end of the night $10.16 short..*sighs*..they tried to comfort me by saying don't lose any sleep over it melanie..but it truly does hurt. I feel so guilty about it..but there is nothing i can do. I ended up short. I just have to learn to be more careful..it just is hard.

Aside from that..my mind still wanders back to Jim..*smiles*..i cant keep my mind off of what happened on sunday..leaves me almost in a dream like state..for we did have a wonderful time..but it did leave me on a roller coaster of emotions. Out of no where my self esteem is getting to me. Almost as if..did he really enjoy himself..was i any good..was their any problems?..It is all this little stuff..that makes me worry..But i am not going to..talked to him yesturday and he reminded me that when low self esteem kicks in..to just relax and focus on that little ball of fire..and let it go..just let it pass through me and out.disappating the low self esteem and bathing in the warming glow. *smiles*..nice image.

i tried talking to him about my friend..i wonder why i even brought it up.mainly because i would never meet my friend without him. as well as also gaining some sort of permission. Maybe more so then permission..that assurance i needed. I dont know psychologically maybe i was looking for Jim to say.>DONT DO IT..DONT MEET HIM. NOt saying that i am going to meet him..was never planned..or anything.but i just sometimes wonder. *shakes head*..NO..i shouldnt be getting involved in mind fuckers..especially a mind fucker who to me is my closest trusted friend. Anyway..my focus is on Jim..and i am glad that Jim is opened minded and allowing me to talk about other guys..but *sighs*..how does that make him feel..must make him feel like shit..what the hell was i thinking about talking to him about my friend?..but i hope he understands that i can be open with him..and is trying to be..especially since..this is something on my mind. But..*sighs*..i shouldnt torment him.

Jim is right though..i am on a rollercoaster ride with emotions..my mind is all over the place..and i need to start focusing...1)My JOB....2)my Diet....3)my family and getting out more often....see all these things i have and should be looking at..yet..find myself thinking of him all the time..not saying that is wrong..but..the sensations, feelings, things i felt on sunday...Even the simple act of kneeling before him..OMG..i have never knelt before another Man before..and it felt so right there..but i do have to admit..i couldnt lift my eyes up to him..at no point did i even look at him kneeled. Hope he didnt find that offensive..but it was just as if all this time..i finally understand the power it was to do something as such...it was Wonderful...i just ache to meet him again..i really do.

Sun Aug 20

wow..has it really been that long since i have updated my diary???..I know my bad...but i havent really been online much and the time i spend online it is usually talking to Jim..if not..then i have found there is no use for me to be here..I am just shocked i neglected this diary for such a while..and feel really guilty.

well lets see..hmmm..so much to tell yet nothing at all. First off with work..*SIGHS*..i was short two times this week..and feel terrible about it. First time i was $15 short...second time i was $10 short. I dont like that at all..the $15 dollars have no idea where it went..but we were able to semi trace the $10. It seems this lady gave me $160 dollars cash...then withdrew $150 dollars from savings..deposited $150 in her checking...deposited another $150 in her joint checking....deposited $5 in her holiday club..and another $5 in the other club...ok..now if that didnt just confuse the hell out of me...what happen was..i know she gave me $160..and knew i had to give her back $10 cash..however..that $10 was supposed to be deposited into the two club plans..*SIGHS*..i did the deposit then gave her back the $10..ackkkk..i hate people who confuse me like that. As for the $15..have no idea where that went..but it really hurts. This is the second time this week that i am short. And i feel guilty..really do..i wont lose my job because i already had my review..but i can get written up if the problem persist. PS my review was excellent :( and now i have to go and fuck it up.

On Sat i did go to the balloon festival..it was expensive to get in..and a little disappointed at the price..but it was fun..walked miles and miles of vendors..lots of free stuff..played games and contest..watched some shows. *smiles*..i even got a little color for a change..my cheeks are all red and rosey from the sun..thank goodness they didnt burn...but we had a wonderful time..pet the animals at the petting zoo..watched a dog and greyhound show..saw a brief circus act..and there was plenty of goodies to take home..I ate like a pig with all the free stuff they had..NO Fair..but promised myself starting today going back to diet..and..i wonder about the Atkins diet..been reading about it looking into it..havent tried it yet..although i have been keeping track of what i have been eating and to my surprised it is MOSTLY carbs..maybe that is why i have so much trouble loosing weight..it is not because i am eating too much in large quanitites..it is because my diet is primarily carbs. hmmmm..have to look into cutting them out..dont know if i could be as strict as Atkins says..and i especially dont like the fact to cut out fruits the first two weeks of the diet..but i do wonder about some of the philosophies he writes about. ANd it does sound really good..my only debate is the issue of cholesterol..if that would go sky high..for i used to have very high cholesterol..went up to 256 when i was 12 years old...but with healthy eating..and no wasnt on medication..chose the path of eating write..was able to get it down to 170...now hmm i just had it taken forgot the number..argg..but knows it is fine healthy and normal. anyway..going to test it out partially..that might not do any good..but going to use some of his philosophy...and exercise and eating right and will see what happens...and plus..now that i have been staying off line..have even more time on my hands..*giggles*..can go out and work out or do something other then wasting my life here online.

Jim was in an accident the other day..*sighs*.he was hit by a van on his bicycle..funny thing is..he wont give me specifics every time i ask him..it is almost as if he is pushing the topic aside..or doesnt want to talk about it...or..*sighs*..i dont know..maybe the accident did do something to him..because the way he treated me the other day..and even how he treated me yesturday..although good..but he is just different. That is one of the reasons why i wanted to meet him today..plus..i am really horney and miss him so much i just get the image of going down on him sucking his beautiful cock..and getting lost wrapped in his arms of warmth. But point is..Jim is starting to change..and it truly does worry me. Where is i am gearing my way off line completely...he is gearing his way online. He has been on more and more..even more now then he has ever been. And there are at times he doesnt even want to talk to me..shruging me off to talk to another. *sighs*. maybe i do have an air of possesiveness..but it is one thing to tell me Look Melanie i am talking to my friend i will talk to you later..that i would accept..it is another thing to lie to me..saying you are going to get off line then secretly going invisible to stay on. He said to me he never lied to me..but i caught him the other night. He doesnt know that even if you are invisible on both icq and pager..it states on the Castle Web Site that the person is still online..*sighs* I was just so discusted the other day anyway to care..but my problem is this...he can have many friends online..he can do whatever he wishes online..but all i could think about is him going around cyber fucking..I know that is not the case..but if so what if it is..I introduced him to it..what if he is out there practicing..and rather then being honest with me and telling me..he is lieing to me???.I shouldnt be thinking these things because it is low self esteem acting up again. But every time i am talking to him..he now is talking other people as well..and rather then giving me a quick honest answer..he is almost mean, ignoring me..and pushing me away. Then again it probably is my fault as usual..I am selfish that i just would like to talk to him and see him. Maybe i am a stalker in that respect as well...After a long day of work or a long day doing what i do..i just enlighten with joy seeing his name pop up and getting a chance to even say hello..but to have him push me aside with an attitude..hurts me. Especially when he orders me to get off after only being on for 5 mins or so. I am never on..doesnt he get that..to have me pop online..I mean the other night was rediculous..i talked to him for about 15 mins..and he gave me an attidude even though i was so concerned about him and his accident and just told me to Go to Bed..*sighs*..that is another reason why this diary isnt completed because i can never stay on long enough to do it..but i figure why should i stay on anyway..but even as i go to bed..he remains on. Maybe it is just me today..Had a bad dream last night..and it is feeding into my fear/abandonment/low self esteem...I dreamt that i was with Jim..and he collared me and dragged me around by the leash..and i called him nothing but Master..but although he had me by the leash..all he did was take other girls in front of me..pleasing them,,giving them pleasure..tying them up..and going from girl to girl to girl..never letting go of my leash..but also never giving me anything as well. Ironically this dream can go both ways..because it is probably the most beautiful thing as a voyuer to watch your the one you love/like/respect/have a bond with..to be pleasing another and the trust it takes to watch at a distance..but on the flip side..also shows abandonment. *sighs*..maybe that dream was more about Donavin then anything else..for that is what he did to me. I was collared to him..Desparate pleading to find some release for a month..just wanting to be able to allow to go all the way.and all he did was drag me around..and please all the other girls...except for me..he left me in torment..in which my submisison to him became hate. But that dream bothered me..it really did..and right now it is only 11:30 am..and i am thinking about..what would have happened if i met Jim today..yes i know he wanted to rest and sleep..but no one said we had to have mad passionate sex or something. Just easy calmed down gentle..i had this thought of giving him a nice hot bath..bathing his body in warm bubbles and a nice soothing massage and just have him fall asleep by my soothing touch..that was actually the dream i had the night before..and was a wonderful one..*smiles*..even that simple act of massaging him to sleep would have been great..and knows in the pain he is in..he would have loved it..But i couldnt push him..and what i suggested this week alone was pushing. ALthough maybe on wed we can have a nice day together. Just i know that it is going to be cut short..*sighs*..oh well will have to see what happens..but just realized..no castle meeting then if i go with him. Speaking of castle..*sighs*..why should i bother at times..i do so much work for everyone..and well it looks like it is dying completely...that is the LAST thing i want to happen. It means too much to me I dont want to see that place go to ruins...but maybe i am holding everything by the thinnest of threads..and everything is about to break and fall.

wow this is terrible..i wonder if online brings out the worst of me rather then the best of me. As i re-read this entry alone it is so negative. I was talking to a friend of mine last night and ironically he said to me.."going real life has really changed you"..although he meant the fact that i now learned how to answer questions short sweet and to the point..rather then racing around the bush..although think that still needs to be work on..but he sees the changes in me..but basically the biggest change of all is the fact that i hate being here. I really do...Plus there is nothing here for me anyway. Every friend i had..i either turned my back on them..or they just dont talk to me anymore. I truly did lose everything here.

i know i am going to bring up cyber again...i though i could do the cybering fucking..see now i really do sound like a hypocrite..especially for what i said about jim the earlier about him going off with anyone..truth is..i couldnt do it..i just couldnt..and i did even ask my friend whom i never really did go all the way with in a cyber scene..in fact the furthest he ever got to me..was touching me and that was it..he was never into cybering with me..although why should he be..he knows my story..he knows me..and how i feel about cybering. But i did ask him the other night for the sake of the book as well as because i wanted to not only see how far he would go..but also..because i really needed it badly...He refused..and said to me..if we ever do it..will be real life not online..Damn..that is so reassuring..*sighs*..i have to stop playing mind fucker games..i swear. *shakes head*

I dont know what more i can say. I miss Jim greatly and worry about him. I hope he is all right and truly do ache to see him. I worry though..am i getting to attached..i think to myself No..i cant be..because at no point have i ever talked about love with him. At no point did i ever ask him to be my Master or collar me or any of that point..if anything i asked him to be my Dominant..and as of right now..he seems to be accepting it..for at a few occasions he did call me his own..*smiles*..that felt nice to hear...But maybe i should take a step back and see where he would like to go..because maybe i am pushing myself against him too far..if i push to far..he may not come back or i may push him down..although hmmm..in a scene sense that sounds like a wonderful idea..but i dont want to lose Jim as well..but then again..the question is..is he mine to lose????

(later on that evening)...well i did go out today..did a little shopping and picked up some shelves for my room...My room is getting out of hand..too small have too much stuff..spent a few hours cleaning it..still a mess..*sighs*..someday going to rip apart the room and just start all over throwing everything out. I did get to talk to Jim tonight..he makes me feel so much better..brings a smile on my face..although i feel guilty..he sounded so much in pain i just wanted to ease him and give him a nice massage..maybe it is best i didnt go there today. ALthough am going wed..*smiles*..wasnt too sure about it..and asked him about it..i think he got a little annoyed..*pouts*..i am sorry..thought it was an iffy thing..so i get to see him on wed on my day off..*SMILES*..needed something like that..now my week is going to be so much better.

took a visit to Main Hall today and visited a friend in Gor..funny thing is he wont allow me to come in as a FW..only a slave for he knows that i am a slave..so i surprised him by comming in with white silks tied with a chrimson rope belt..almost ironically poetic right?..we had a talk about silk colors and about me..seems he knew i earned red silks a long time ago..funny thing was although trained as such i never felt right wearing them..so would beg my Master to either leave me naked or white..so was always naked..but one day i can finally wear red silks with pride..until then..well..*shrugs*..

He is proud of me though..*smiles*..he is seeing wonderful changes within me..and the growth that i have done..since i have known him so long now..i just wish he didnt have so much trouble. He loves a girl that he cant be with and she is completely mind fucking him taunting him and teasing him knowing that he loves her so much. She is married secure..she is not going to be leaving him no matter how much he thinks so...eventually he may learn..but by then..it may be too late.

Thur Aug 26

*sighs*..i have been neglecting my diary these past few days..i know..it is a combination of not being online..as well as been to busy. But i hope i can catch up on what has been happening although most of what i have to say is in regaurds to yesturday spending the day with Jim..*smiles*

well right now i am totally exhausted..in fact was exhausted even in work..last night wore me out completely..and being a few problems occured after the night was done..made me just want to give up..although not going to try to focus on them and ruin the wonderful time i had with Jim..but going to try to explain what happend..

i met Jim yesturday at the trainstation..yikes..still a creepy one..and was nervous being that i didnt see him when i got there..so just started walking towards where the crowd was going and sure enough saw him comming down the hall..*smiles*..was so nice to see him..so we were walking and talking..taking the subway back to his place..deep down inside..i just missed him completely..and in my sick mind..wanted to go back and jump him..i know i am a greedy little slut.

we stopped at the videostore..and he wanted me to pick out a movie..geeze..what movie am i going to pick out?? *sighs*..most of them either he saw or i saw..and the choices really arent that good. The store doesnt have a wide variety as i have hoped..but we settled for star-ship troopers..umm..*giggles*..we never did get to watch it..but that is besides the point. I was hoping to find a movie that both of us can watch together for the first time..not something that one of us has seen before..hmm...best bet next time is to probably go to the theater..o0(hmm would love to see the new Highlander that comes out..*giggles*)..but seriously..rented movies is something never really found enjoyable..although do have to say that when we saw the mummy the last time..just loved being in his arms wrapped in his warmth..although wished he teased me more..*giggles*

Anyway we got back to his place..and started to scene almost immediately..i just love when he is behind me running his hands across my body..awakening my sensations as my clothes are on..it is those few moments feeling his groin press hard against my buttocks..that are really wonderful..i just find myself closing my eyes..drifting into the sensations..and to feel his warm soft lips and his kisses..i almost melt completely into him..it is a wonderful feeling.

Next of course..was able to kneel down and play and suck his cock..oh i love doing that..he has such a nice cock..i find enjoyment in it..but in a sick way..i wonder if he really enjoys it..he has yet to truly cum in my mouth..and he doesnt seem as responsive as he used to be. The first time i sucked him..he moaned, groaned, and moved every which way..now although he is rock hard..it is almost like i am not doing anything to him, and although i love just sucking his cock..it does take a lot of work....He did do something that even i cant believe..while i was sucking him..he took my tie..was wearing a satin white blouse..with a white satin thin rope tie/belt..around my neck..almost like a scarf..but he took it..wrapped it around my neck..and started to pull..in a choaking like way..not that i was choaking..but just pulled pressure enough that i felt it tighten against my throat..it felt wonderful...he didnt hurt me..it wasnt bad..it wasnt for long..but it was just enough to make me feel wonderful and spacey.

I was then allowed to give him a massage..he took off his clothes..laid down against the couch bed..with soothing enigma music playing in the background..i started to run the oil throughout his back giving him a warm massage..i took off my blouse..and my bra..and ran my nipples against his back..was getting so into it..and thoughts flooded my mind about things that i could do to him..he had such a cute little ass..It really was..small perfectly cute shape made me think about if i could ever actually grab a strap on and fuck him in the ass..*giggles*..umm i know too dominant for me..but it was a thought..but settled for something i always wanted to do..trailed my toungue all the way down his back and over his crack..always wanted to do that..and after asking his permission was allowed to. I only did it once and briefly..because..i don tknow..wsant really into that..i tried it..and well..thats it..but continued to give him a massage and run my body against him..until i got carried away and started playing with his balls..*giggles*..it was at this point he was really getting responsive..and he even tied himself up..i straddled him from above..and was so horny wanted to go get a condom on him and fuck him right there..but all he did was tease me..i promised i wouldnt have him enter me vaginally if he didnt have a condom..but to feel him pressing against my wetness..i was too horny..wanted it right there and then...(more to continue later..i need to take a nap)

Fri aug 25

well the nap turned into a full night slumber..went to bed at 6pm last night..and barely woke up at 7:30am this morning..and was still exhausted. Just didnt want to get up. I did wake up really upset..*sighs*..was still upset after last night..i know i shouldnt be..but was..couldnt face my mother..couldnt face my family..and on my way to work..just bursted out into tears..looked a wreck..just thank goodness..that as i started working..i was able to calm down..it was just the tension in the place was at a height..i screwed up big time during this week because of a communication error..and fucked up the whole branch..yes i know and will admit it was my mistake..but it was also the mistake of the head teller as well for not checking out the totals either..*sighs*..just seemed that everyone missed the mistake that i made..and screwed everyone up. But today worked out perfect..No problems at all with checks, or cash..so overall a good day.

now to try to finish with what happened with Jim on wed...well..i gave him a massage had him on the bed..and well i got carried away..just wanted to tease him and touch him..and well did play with his cock and balls..and was so shocked at how responsive he was..to see the pleasure in his face..the wonderous sighs of pleasure..that is probably the most beautiful thing anyone can see is to see the pleasure your partner can get because of you. That left me with a big smile..but..*sighs*..i was greedy..i probably could have just played with him all day..teased him..but i was greedy..i wanted him inside me..i wanted him to achieve his pleasure through me..i wanted him to cum in me..i did mount him and go ontop of him..straddling his legs...but i didnt have him enter me..he wasnt wearing a condom..and i didnt want to get pregnant...although *sighs*..that is my biggest fear..i still havent gotten my period this month..and it is over due...although he never fully came inside me..he used a condom..i am just wondering..is there a possibility?...This is one of the few times i am begging for my period to come. Anyway..at that point..we changed roles..and this is where my greed came in..rather then me pleasing him..he pleased me..*sighs*..thought it was for the pleasure of us both..but he did do all the work..but it was something that meant so much to me..was absolutly beautiful. He tied me up in a karada..then hog tied my legs and arms behind.This let me so opened and exposed..he pressed me down against the bed..but was so gental and concerned about my movement..i never realized how hard it is to truly lie down on your belly if tied in such a way..but he eased me down on the bed gently. A blind fold was added to my eyes..which blinded me so well i didnt even realized that he turned on the lights..*sighs*..that thought alone almost scares me..for the lights almost makes me know that all my flaws are exposed to his eyes..it is the darkness which i find comfort in..and although my eyes was closed even under the blind fold..i had no idea he lit up the room. In this position although i was exposed..he attempted to do anal..which was almost impossible..he kept slipping and being he was lubricated..he couldnt get in the whole..*sighs*..would have been interesting but didnt work. He also tried a littl wax as well. I was more afraid of the wax hitting my body then anything else..and it really didnt hurt at all..but i am such a baby for pain at times..sometimes i wish he pushed more..rather then listening to me chicken out completely..but he stopped after the first splatter of wax against my ass..felt different feeling it pour and quickly cool against my crack..but..i was scared.

after this he untied me out of the hog tie..and brought me to his doorway..it was at this point the real stuff started happening. He went into the kitchen to retrieve a cherry..placed it in my mouth between my teeth..and told me not to bite or break the cherry..it was then he begin to lightly flogg me. I have never been flogged before..and in my mentality a flooging is for punishment only..My breathing was fast..i was panting..even to the point of hyperventilating..clutching on so tightly to the ropes which bound me..clenching my eyes..everything except my teeth..trying everything in my power not to break the cherry..and each striking blow..that landing on my skin..wasnt even that hard..although i flinched completely..i was soo scared..and panting so much that at one point..he stopped..placed his hand against my beathing heart feeling the fast quick intensity of every thundering beat..and it was that simple act of him touching me which seemed to calm me down..I was terrorfied of the floogging..it scared me so much..At one point he even came right in front of me..held my head and told me to look at him..to focus on him..I couldnt even do so..I was so far gone..so out there..that all i saw was a blob in front of me.i didnt even see him...It took everything to calm down and focus on him..it was almost like he wasnt even there at all..took a moment to see him. It was at this point he went and got a special sweet treat for me..as well as this gave me an opportunity to calm down..he poured some sweet honey unto his fingers and allowed me to suckle onto the sweetness..knowing that not only my sugar levels probably dropped completely from this..but also i was totally dehydrated as well..so he got me soda as well. At first didnt know what was on his fingers..and was scared to open my mouth..but he ordered me to..and it was a wonderful surprise.

He did let me loose and allowed me to sit against the bed for a moment...pulling out his cock allowing me to tease him..he finally ordered me to kneel. This was the first time he ever ordered me in such a way..he said loud and sternly.."DOWN, KNEEL"..boom i went down so fast..and was allowed to suck his cock..I love sucking his cock but find myself almost disappointed in myself. I feel i am doing it wrong. He doesnt cum in my mouth and for the first time he did asked me if i would like him to cum in my mouth..i told him at that point..i dont know..because it was at this point he was going deeper then he ever did with me..and was afraid that i would choake if he came deep down in my throat. That would break the mood instantly to have me choaking during the scene. I took the chicken way out.

He did put on PVC pants and a leather vest..will admit the pvc pants..did nothing for me..they looked uncomfortable..and the crunching sound..was a little irritating..but the leather vest..OMG woo hoo..he looked so dominant..so powerful in that simple black leather ..he climbed on top of me..and straddled me wearing that fest..forcing his way against me and covering my mouth with his palms..pressing hard against me..I was shaking completely with desire..it wasnt that i was cold..but it was so strong..the feelings..that i was shaking completely..and finally he entered his way into me..yes with a condom..and came inside me.

The thing i do regret truly about that evening..was i never did pamper him..*sighs*..and even now feel terrible about it..was in complete tears yesturday..and i did get into a semi-fight with Jim. I hurt him..he was in so much pain..his back was killing him and he did all this for me..just for me..and i used him for my pleasure...and the sick part is..after what we talked about yesturday and the way i just cried my eyes out..i wonder if he derived any pleasure out of wed..i thought he did..i thought he really did enjoy himself here and there..but he was in so much pain..I was greedy..I only thought of myself. *sighs*.

that is another thing..why was i so upset yesturday..i tried talking to him and the tension level was too high..i started crying completely..i was exhausted..and i felt he blamed me because i found pleasure..was i wrong that i enjoyed myself on Wed?..Yes it was..because the price for my enjoyment was his pain...I felt and still feel so terrible about what i did to him..and the sick part is he started taking stabs at me.. :(.. He said to me "i need a lover"..Ever since i met Jim..i dont know what the fuck love is anymore...i really dont. When i was online with other guys..sure i said i loved them. I loved AJ..i Loved Donavin..i Loved Bruce..I loved Martin...but did i really love them..or was that just a term i thought i was comfortable with?..Now the question is.what does love mean to me now..Do i love Jim?..ironically..i cant answer that. Our relationship is based on BDSM and Sex..but can my "boyfriend/lover"..ever do that?..NO..i cant see myself ever falling in love and marrying one who would be my Master..i mean i was even thihking about it today during my break..On my wedding day as i walk down the aisle..and accept the ring on my finger..at night could i just go on my honeymoon..stripp down naked...begg to be chained to the bed..and get down on my hands and knees begging my husband to allow me to cum?..Ironically No..then again..marriage is the last thing i would ever want..and is not something i am looking for now. As for Jim..He is my guide..he is my Dom..he is one whom i love playing with...but..*sighs*..but what?..there is nothing more to say..Our relationship is based on Sex..but why did he have to mock me and rub it in that i dont have a lover?..i dont have a boyfriend..i know that. *sighs*

I am also dissappointed that we are not meeting this weekend either..*sighs*..maybe i am greedy..but we planned on meeting the 27th for a few weeks now..although plans have been changed..and well wed was a big treat..i wonder if it was because of wed that he doesnt want to meet. *sighs*..i fucked things up wed..i really did..and although i had the most wonderful times..it is comming home..that i faced the consequences...and that alone was a problem.. told my mother what happened..she cried..Yes..my mother..cried at what her daughter did..*sighs*..then there was the train ride from hell..had to get up early in the morning and the train decides to break down..didnt get home till 3am..was a nightmare. all this stuff..adding to my life..*sighs*..why does it bother me so..and did i ruin things for good?..I really dont know..i truly dont. But as i learned from work...Sorry is not going to do it. I find myself appologizing so much to the point..that my whole life is sorrow.

August 26 Sat,

i still seem to be in a doldrum state..*sighs*..I went out and did a little shopping after work to try to cheer myself up..bought a book on tantric massage..just opening it up and reading a small portion made me just want to cry..it bothers me about wed..but not going to dwell on it in this entry..already did last one..But anyway..bought two pairs of panths for work..a garter belt of all things..and a cd and cassete tape..Finally got the studio 54 sound track..been wanting to get that for a while..and also got Pure Moods Part 2..loves that tape..as i was listening to it..made me think of dancing..yes ironically dancing. Sure it is easier to imagine and write it here..rather then actually doing it..but i did have an image of finally accepting myself and dancing for Jim..doesnt even have to be a nude strip dance..just a normal erotic sensual dance..becomming one with my body and expressing it through my movements to him in a sensual way..that is almost like my ultimate gift to him if i ever get a chance...*sighs*..why am i so upset over everything about this. It has to be i am panicking...we reached 3 times meeting...we almost reached 3 months of knowing each other..*sighs*..is that my fear..once one gets to know me they learn that i am not good enough for them and leave me..or is it just me. My fears, my attidude, my stability..that causes me to drive them away?. I am not going to push him away..then again..not going to do anything..think for now my best bet is to sit tight..and calm myself down. He said i was reading too deeply into everything he was saying. I must be..that is why i am scared. *sighs*

Jim is wanting to learn about the Gorean philosophy probably because of me of all reasons..its a mistake i know it is. Gor fucked me over so badly..and it is something online..that i took so seriously it crossed over to the real life realm and scarred me all because i allowed it to....i have no idea how to break that. Even in the simplest things Gor comes creeping in..I noticed today..because i felt like a failure..and i felt upset i was walking behind her to the right...DAMNIT i had to stop myself at that point..even she thought it was strange why i was walking behind her..it was even in my subconscious that i did it..At work..i almost practically beg and fear they will bite my head off for the littlest mistakes i make..i am always telling them how sorry i am..and it is getting to the point where they want to slap me for saying i am sorry..why..because in my mind..i am not their equal and being put in that situation where they whom are above me are in the situation that i am in..my mistakes are 10X greater..*sighs*..i almost cant even bear to look at a man in his eyes if i dont have to..and the few times i do make eye-to-eye contact..i almost blush completely...they must think there is something wrong with me. *sighs* Why must Jim learn about Gor..Here i am trying to break away..and even breaking away it comes out even more with me..yet he is starting to learn the symbolism of the things i do with him..he is learning why i do those things..*sighs*..all in the name of Gor. :(

Sunday Aug 27th,

*sighs*..well today was supposed to be meeting Jim..but oh well am home and miserable. I dont think that is the reason i am so..but i think i am undergoing a roller coaster of emotions and i don't know what to do. Right now it is only 9am in the morning..my day has just started and already i cried a few times already. Why Cry??..why do i find myself like this a pathetic state..and the funniest thing is i am in no way showing it at all..not that i am hiding it..but was upstairs with family..had a wonderful breakfast..was in an overal pleasant good mood talked to them..then as soon as breakfast was over..well now i am almost back in tears again. This morning started cleaning my room..oh thats right it is still morning..*giggles*..i woke up at 6am this morning..so for me..this has been a long dragging morning already..but started cleaning my room..*sighs*..i feel i am always cleaning my room..i have too much junk..should just get rid of it all..because it is rediculous..that every time i get a day off..have to spend hours upon hours cleaning my room..and it doesnt do anything because i get totally frustrated..and if anything the pile of junk seems to shift around my room rather then anything else..i have a small tiny room..and with all my stuff.it annoys the hell out of me.

at one point i picked up my leather belt and it was at that point i just broke out in tears..bringing it up to my nose to inhale it scent..and feel the texture of it through my fingers..i even gave myself a hard slap against my thigh..but it was just at that moment..the tears started flooding my eyes. And the sad thing is i dont even know why. Was it because of the way i handled the flogging..was it because i ached for more. Jim said to me he wouldnt flogg me again. I dont know..i just dont know why everything is so sensitive to me right now. And everything everyone is saying to me is hitting deep inside of me. I am getting upset over the simplest of things.

Last night i was famished..i have no idea why..i just came home from work and was starving..and to hear my grandmother..tell me during the course of the dinner..dont you think you had enough to eat?..I just wanted to cry right there..Yes i am trying my best to loose weight..and it is not working..it is because i am not working..it is me..i am not trying to my potential..i stopped exercising..although i have been eating healthier..and watching what i eat..i am also craving sweets big time..and every day i tell myself..i am not going to have any more..and yet everyday i am..then again..its because of my mood a viscious circle....and PS..i didnt eat much yesturday..and was hurt that my grandmother would even say that too me being..that if anything i have been sleeping more then eating. Dont ask my why i am now getting about 12-14 hours of sleep a night. its sad..it really is..but i come home totally exhausted from work..and go right to bed after checking my email here..and conk out to sleep..even now..i just woke up and it is still early in the morning..and i am exhausted. Its because i am torturing myself..has to be..I am emotionally tormenting myself..only thing is..dont know how i am or why i am..but i cant blame anyone else but myself.

Did talk to my aunt this morning about Jim..she knows i went all the way with him..because she can read me like a book..but i dont care..she wants to tell my family..i dont care anymore...I was honest with my mother...i told her what i did..and if anything..i am more upset then she is ironically. I am upset about everything..especially Gor. GOR.*shakes head*..why does Gor now have to come back in the picture..i have been staying the fuck away from it for a while..and now it is almost back in the picture. Well I am after all..as i was always..a Red Silk..*shakes head*..almost too ironic..never wanted to accept that..never wanted to say to myself that i was a red silk..and that is one of the reasons my Masters never gave me red silks..because..i couldnt accept it to myself that i was red silk..now...i can say i am red silk..i can admit it to myself..and almost admit it with hate and scorn..for i am admiting something that was always so. Red Silk...sisa ja darma me kan fermi La Kajira...fermi La Bena..fermi La Kajira...*sighs*

well..realistically speaking..i have no idea what the hell i am doing online. there is nothing left for me here there really isnt..Those whom i called friends either no longer talk to me..i no longer talk to them..or overall..we parted our ways..the only reason i basically ever come here..is to see one lone name lighted up on my pager..and havent seen that name light up since thursday..havent spoken since thursday either..wonders if i should call..or wait..until he talks to me. Family says i should wait..because..by calling him..makes it show that i cant even last a few days without him..and makes me sound desparate ..actually..they are right..when i think about it..then again.the way we both left off each other..It is one thing to leave off on good terms and not talk to each other for a few days...but it is something different to leave off each other upset ..or at least..me being upset..he probabaly wasnt even upset..but it was something that tormented me. and still does..and that is one of the reasons..would just like to know what is going through his mind..but i am weak..i cant bear calling him up..because..i dont know how i would feel talking to him..i am a wreck right now..and shouldnt be. I dont like being like this. and been trying everything in my power to not feel this way. went out..played a card game with my family..havent played poker with them in months...yet they play every night..and i used to always play with them every night. But i turned my world into a virtual world of nothing but being on the computer..that is all my life is..that is all my life was..and i am tired of it..Now there is nothing here..Nothing here online for me..only this daily diary which i try to document day by day..but even that..i have no inspiration to do so..Is this a futile cause...*sighs*

Monday Aug 28

well although today was a crappy day...i do feel much better almost relieved now..was able to talk to Jim..*smiles*..and he called me up. I knew he would call...seems my family was almost knocking it out of me saying give it up he isnt going to call..They knew i was upset..and they thought it was all because of Him..partially that was the case..but more so because of me and the way i handled and reacted to things which bothered me. But sure enough he left a nice message on my voice mail..which i did play for them...think they now feel more assured about him..rather then doubting him like the rest of the losers i knew.

well we did talk..were able to straighten things out..and i feel better. Think i just needed that. As of right now thought i am exhausted..was supposed to do exercise..settled for walking the damn dog a few blocks..i know it isnt much..but i dont know why i am so tired..i wake up with bags under my eyes..i look a wreck..i just always is tired..and it is only 7pm right now..i just know that if i go to sleep now..wont get up till tommorrow morning for work. Its strange..but i will get back into the swing of things..maybe it is because of all that seafood...has that hormone..argg forgot the name of it..turkey has it to..which makes you fall asleep..damn..now i know i am going to bother me about that..*shrugs*..oh well

i really dont have much to say..sure i can talk about how i fucked up badly at work and had my boss yell at me..was almost in tears at that..and just ruined my day..but started to do what i needed to do and take the extra precautions necessary..but the day upset me. I cant wait till the weekend..have a 3 day weekend off because of the holiday...hmm..wonders if Jim is doing anything..*shrugs*..and aside from that..had a long talk with a friend of mine on the topic of Gor..touchy subject..really is..but i wonder truly am i a slave..and i so desparately try not to be..or is it i desire to be something i cant?

Tues Aug 29

Well today was another long day..nothing much really happened..was an ok day although do have to say felt like passing out at work..turns out didnt eat or something sugar crashed completely and was seeing black all over the place..so had chocolate..feel guilty..hate getting that weak and dizzy..makes me almost become to the point where food becomes a necessity..and end up shoving it in..to raise it up..then it ends up crashing..and i feel tired, exhausted..ect. And that is what i am right now..tired..been tired..always tired..*sighs*..but do have good news..well not really good..but calms me down a little bit..and that is that i just got my period..umm took long enough was almost getting a little nervous about it..being it was supposed to come two weeks ago..*shrugs* but puts my mind at ease on that note..but was worried about that.

well talked to Jim last night...feels better...and well did do a nice dance later on that evening..found some great music and just got completely lost into it..umm she knows..almost is becomming obsessive on the dancing aspect..*sighs*..dont ask her why..think it is because i am really getting lost..maybe spending too much time in Gor..been going to Main Hall...wonderful place..really is..and theya re so friendly talkative..and talk about it realistically they really dont get involved in the online serving, dancing and furring crap..feel like i am talking to real people who are into Gor..rather then "king penises who are suffering from testosterone poisoning"..*giggles*..sorry but thank you Jim for that one..loves that quote..

umm other then that things are well..work was all right..better then yesturday and doesnt seem to be any mistakes or problems..well there was but this one had nothing to do with them..so i was fine. The only question is how the hell do people get so much money?? POUTS.

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