Feb 15 (tues)
well this day was interesting...we got into a terrible fight with a poser who was posing as a FW..tay was a little daring and followed the poser about..and confronted her..knows she shouldnt but..her emotions were at a height anyway..needed a release..so she fought like anything with the poser..got out her bottled up emotions in such a way...dont know if that was good or not..but she didnt defend the FW, nor the room..but was defending Gor as a whole...it was terrible to see such as that...it was really sad...so she just totally vented the whole way out..in one big brawl..but does know whe went too far..and regrets for ever doing it..but will see what consequences her actions took..for it is true her actions were not one she should have ever done.
Last night she was just so hyper, horny an excited..never did get to speak to Master..*sighs*...that is unfortunate...was really horny..even called him desparately needed release..guesses that is why she caused this fight..needed release of her emotions..needed some sense of peace within..did it help..ummm..dont think so..but will see what happens...
another weird thing happen last night..she did a beautiful gorgeous serve..*smiles*..in fact it was so good the Master accused her of cutting and pasting it...tay would never do that...and was slightly insulted that he would even think she cut and pasted her serve..but it was beautiful..it made her think that she is a kajira at times..but mixing with how she acted today..one big confusion once again..*shrugs*..tay is tay..and is going to stay like that.
Feb 16 (wed)
well this day truly was a nightmare..many fights, debates, and tay totally turned Gor upside down...yes tay will admit she can be outspoken..but for the very first time a slave challenged the total foundation of Gor..*sighs*..never wanted it to turn to that into such a debate..but it happened....at least she was able to talk to Master about this..*smiles softly*..desparately needed to talk to him..missed him so much...she will admit she feared this would be the end..it seems at times she is so scared of losing her collar that she fucks up even more then she knows it....but all she wants to do is please..just be with him and be happy...she still has to learn to accept slave within her..will that ever happen..think it is slowly..and will take some time..Master is good to be patient..and is soo greatful for that..but soon tay will finally learn..even if it has to be him taking a girl totally real life to do so..eventually it will be done.
Feb 17 and 18 (thurs and fri)
have to admit these past few days have been terrible..but it has also been a day of enlightement for her..she realized that all this time she was topping from the bottom and only used not only her Master..but her friends as well..*sighs*..she realized that she totally always used all her friends..used them completely and totally.....it is like all she ever wanted to do was submit..but she totally fucked things up with everything..and rather then just accepting things the way it is..and just do it..she questions it...she was reading a book this evening Mauraders of Gor..and there was a statement which just touched her heart..and that is.."do not ask how to live, but instead proceed to do so"...tay has asked too many questions rather then just accepting and living..*sighs*..no wonder she is so messed up at times...and last night..she has to admit..was such an emotional toll on her body completely..that she litterally collasped to the floor in tears..and couldnt get up..she never felt like that ever in her life..so the image of herself just falling to Masters feet and crying her eyes out was true..she knew it within her heart..just to be at his feet completely..and cry...but yet..that is something she wanted to do so badly..that is what she needed...she collaspsed in tears completely to the floor..and want to here what the fucked up part is..she doesnt know why..was almost like she panicked that she is finding out she is "submitting" or thought that she was..*sighs*..turns out she is doing nothing more then topping from the bottom again...that is what messed up her first relationship..that is what messed up many..*sighs*.."topping from the bottom"...well..now that she knows what the problem is..only question now is how to fix it...
well this topic cant be all that bad..but does have good news..*smiles*..she is starting her new job...a second one actually and is really excited about it..*smiles*...they have great benifits..and will give her something to do..and plus who knows..maybe she can lose weight, take care of herself, get her life back in order..and ooooo look hot and saucy if she can ever lose the excess weight that she would love to do..*smiles*..what can tay say..she is a hottie...*smiles*..just needs to work on it a little bit..but she now works at K-Mart of all places..*giggles*..but she is happy..right near the house, great benifits, and have a chance to grow with the company..plus..extra cash..which she so desparately needs..who knows..maybe now she can start a life on her own..and go back to school..
Feb 19 and 20 (Sat and Sun)
Kicks yahell, geofuckies and everthing else..well couldnt get to work on her web page yesturday..so there was no journal..but yet so much has happened the past few days..think a girl is completely lost..TOPPING from the Bottom..that is what a girl is doing..totally topping from the bottom..and she wonders if there is anyway she can make ammends to what has happen...*sighs*..She can be Masters lover, she can be his companion, his friend, his girl, his sub..but what she cant be is his kajira..*sighs*..why does this hurt so much to even say feel as if a girl is losing him...well..she is going to try which she know even saying she is going to try is putting herself up for failure again..and been doing so greatly..but she has made a descision and is going to start a new section of this site..called daily lessons..and each day write what she learns..and repeat is over and over again in order to finally make a realization within her life..and fix it...The hardest thing is..why does she fear to call her Master...Master?..what is so fearful about accepting that he is her Master..and why is she building up more walls again??
other then that..things are wonderful..starting a new life with her job..going to be juggling 2 of them..making money..and starting to take control of her life...as well as she went shopping last night..spent a bundle on clothes..but needed the new wardrobe for work and everything...but also bought some things for a girl as well..books, shoes..*smiles* it was wonderful finally went shopping after all too long...but what she has to do is fix the problems with Master..*sighs*.this is bad..she doesnt want to lose him as well..but she is pushing him away..and this time..it is her fault..where the others was not her fault..this is the first time she is genuinely doing the losing herself.
Feb 21 (Mon)
well today was the first day of SLAVE LABOR *giggles*..first day of a girls job..well things couldnt get fucked up as they did but..um..think there ware some exceptions for being new..*giggles* The hard thing is truly going to be that she is going to be working 2 jobs..and the new one demands so much from her...she is schedule for so many hours..just looking at it knows she is going to be overwhelmed..but going to take it one day at a time...and focus on each day and worry..but in a funny sense..a girl is the ultimate work a holic..and truly needed this to get her out of her rut..for she knows this is going to be better for her..and who knows..with all these hours and stuff..she may be able to truly start working on what is important..her appearance, her health, her weight, her life, her family. She is going to try to work on a car that is her next big adventure is getting a car and finally driving..*smiles*..Family should be proud a girl is finally taking responsibility for herself...Hope Master is as well..for things really havent been too good for her this week.
She really doesnt know why..but she is totally pushing Master away..for the past few days..he totally had to drag her all over..whether he thinks so or not..he was dragging her completely..and slapped her in the face with the facts..but interesting enough..when she talked to him yesturday..he took a HUGE step back...and just listened, and watched..in other words..he was seeing if a girl would step forward, step away..or remain where she is...um...not really to sure..but think she remained where she is for the time being..but she cant stay that way too long..something is going to happen..*sighs*..but..think now with the job and everything..it will be for the better...just hope that she can truly learn all he taught her these past few days..
Feb 23-25
Kicks fucking geosuckies..well as you can probably see there hasnt been a daily entry...and so much has been happening the past few days..most of all the problem is..she is totally exhausted......in fact..going to take a quick nap..go to work..then come back on tonight and finish this one..for all of a sudden she is exhausted right now.
Feb 28
well as you can see a girl has truly out of it...seems she is truly learning to be a slave for wage...ackkk..been working too much..and just exhausted..cant even check her mail...just havent been online. In fact today is truly the first time a girl can get back online..*smiles softly*..yet she feels there is so much to say..yet have absolutly nothing to say
well work sucks..but actually gettting the hang of it..been very busy..working long hours..and it is really doing a number on her feet, muscles and ankles..always had trouble with swollen ankles..but seems now it is even work..at the end of the shift a girl is even lucky she can walk..then again..this nutcase is working..about 12 hours a day..yikes..
well..things with Master..hasnt been too good...trying to find her way back to him...*sighs*..such in a fear that she will truly lose him..and feels like she is snow balling downhill..dont want to lose him..but once again she had a terrible dream last night..that she gave up her collar..and asked for a release..then begged him to kill her..only thing was she was kneeled before him real life..not online..was naked at his feet..and begged him to take the katana blade..and chop off her head..he refused to do it..but instead..left a permanant initials in her leg of a D...and left her on her way..*sighs*..sick dream right..however..seems so real..and it is one of her fears...to give herself over permanantly to him..then to have it end and be over...have to learn to trust that is the bigest thing..
wow..looking at the time it is only 9:30pm..and already she is exhausted..*sighs*..but she is finally talking to Master..woo hoo..needs to talk to him..glad she is talking to him..although..*sighs*...she needs to really really really talk to him..and hopes to do so tommorrow..if she can be up to it.
Feb 29...(Leap Year)
well today is that wonderful leap year...only happens once every 4 years..and sure enough things are getting fucked up completely..*sighs*..at work the computer went down and blew up..tays was the only register opened...we had fights galor..it was so funny..i was scanning like a nut case and everyone else was just bagging my items..it was a nightmare....had to do with the leap year bugg messed up all the computers...
as for Master..well things once again are going to shit...*sighs*..i dont know what to do anymore..i wanted so much for him to call me last night..why couldnt he..what was it jsut to pick up the phone..after i begged him to call me...instead he talked to her sis lori..*sighs*..oh well..a girl knows where she stands...*cries*..all she feels like doing is crying..i know i do things wrong...but he is just as bad..and he will not talk to me...i dont know what to do..it is on both sides...i have done bad things..just as he has done bad things as well..*sighs*...well have to get going...and this is the end of the month..so new page now....wishes you all well...for Feb is over.. THE END
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