January 2001 (new Millenium)

January 1 2001 (monday)

Happy New Year everyone. Well new page, new clean slate, new year, new millenium, time to focus on herself. Well Now is a time she needs to start a new beginning. Focusing on her weight, gaining her health and happiness back, and just being the bumbly little light a girl is known for best. *smiles*

Well last night was the New Years Eve celebration. My how depressing. Only one channel had a new year's celebration. It used to be every channel and each one would have a special concert, behind the party scenes and all that. This year only one channel. No fun. Aside from that, well no one was even in the New Year's Spirit, NO fireworks, no alarms going off, no parties, it was a quiet, dead block. But Watched the ball dropped, wanted to cry and sick images of what a girl was doing last year flooded her mind. The thought of being on the phone with, masterbating, bringing herself to cum. And this year, just sitting down, slowly getting drunk on the wine and champagne, finding herself wanting to cry, but reflecting upon the year that past. 2001 A new beginning.

Well anyway, things have been boring this weekend. Right now she is watching the whose line is it marathon on tv. Hasn't seen this show in years, used to love it. If you are wondering yes she sort of has cable shhh. Cable company made a mistake the last time they were here fixing the lines when they went down, and well now we seem to have free cable. A girl is not complaining. Loves her comedy central and sci-fi channel. Hasn't watch tv in such a long time, yet this whole weekend she did nothing but. Still should have cleaned her room, eventually will but today is just exhausted. Has no reason to be tired, but thinking she is just going to veg out and maybe masturbate like hell. Don't ask her why is completely horny. And just aches to be fucked. Kind of sick of her, and she realizes it is not greedy to be wanting to fuck. She rarely gets to see Master. Now turning out to be once a month if she is lucky, so why not if she aches to suck his cock, or feel his touch, feeling his teeth bite into her flesh, or his strong hands squeezing her nipples so hard she cries out. Thats not greedy that is desire, and Master is whom she desires. Well who knows.

Tuesday Jan 2 2001

Its hard to remember that it is now 2001, so used to writing 00. But well a new year is upon us. FOr everyone it really seems like it was a quiet day. Guess it really wasnt a special day. Things went well though. Had a great talk with a new found friend. *smiles* Ended up talking the entire new years day. Its strange for the first time a girl enjoyed herself talking about everything BUT sex. We talked about music, mozart, in fact Lacrymosa from Mozart's Requiem seemed to be the hot topic. *giggles* Now where can a girl actually find someone to talk about classical music with? Well it did make her feel better, She was very upset this weekend, strange thing is, really doesnt even know why she was so upset. Just was really hurt. But now she feels somewhat better.

Work was a little busy today, a lot of large deposits, being the holiday weekend. We ended up closing out way past the branches cash limits, then again we are always closing out above..lol. But we had so much going in and out. Even she had some very large withdrawals, one for $9500, another for $7353. Its amazing how much money people have. But was a busy day, she is tired, should take a nap but knows if she goes to sleep now will be out for the rest of the night, so is trying not go to sleep right now.

*giggles* She must be really tired, because even in this diary entry she seems to be talking like a robot. But well nothing really is going on. She is tired, and bored, and well wishes with Master was on, He actually was, but, *sighs* *shrugs*. Anyway, hopes he had a wonderful weekend, and he has luck in all things. For now think a girl is going to relax a bit.

Jan 6 Sat 2001

YAHELL FUCKING SUCKS. Well first off she has been getting the boot so badly that every 5 mins her isp kicks her out. It is TERRIBLE. Aside from that Geocities did some kind of messed-up changes to their guestbook which caused her guestbook to be destroyed. Can no longer use the old method of guestbook entries, Now has to use the new method. Doesn't like it. Soon wouldn't be surprised if one day she wakes up and this entire site is gone. Gone like the wind. And want to hear the bad thing. A girl has No back-up files of the information here. If this site is destroyed it is a year of entries, a year of her life, torn and broken from her on a sheer whim of those of yahell. And there would be nothing she can do. You would think they would send some information about their upcomming changes on her site. Damn she has had this site for a year now. BUT NOOOOOO...*sighs* Wonders would happen if they stripped her of this site as well. No back ups of any of this. This diary is the one and only copy out there. And even that may be taken from her.

Things have been somewhat good lately. Work is fine, days are kind of long, but wells he is hanging in their. We are at full staff and well her annual goals were presented to her by her supervisor, She took one look at the list and said you got to be kidding. It is IMPOSSIBLE to acheive the goals that they have beset for her. Doesn't know what to do and just thinking of it is really getting her nervous. Refferals to customers is one of the hardest things a girl can do, yet they wish her to make one referal to a major checking product a week, 2 referals to the add-on checking products..which is IMPOSSIBLE a week, one referal of a miscilenious category a week and one referal to a financial advisor a week. This may sound easy but it is IMPOSSIBLE. Just to give you an idea of what has been her history she has been with this branch for about 2 months now, and only had one referal to the financial consultant, and one referral to the checking product. According to that list she should have had 8 financial referals, and 8 checking referals and 16 add-on referals. YIKES. All she knows is this is going to be TOUGH.

Anyway she has been going back to the auctions, started selling stuff once again. Needs to. She has too much junk, has too much time on her hands, needs something encouraging to do, plus she can use the extra money, so she has a little something to do on the side. She is just starting out so far absolutely nothing but even if she posts up one item a night that 7 items a week and hopefully can rebuild her name, and her rating on yahell.

She knows it has been a few days that she has been writing. She is lucky that she is even online now. The way her computer has been acting, she is suprised she is staying online this long. Anyway she has been talking to this nice guy and well he is teaching her the joys of chess. *Giggles* Actually she is relearning it. Seems she never really bothered with the games section in yahell, but he challenged her to a game of chess, and well think now she is hooked. We ended up playing a game till 4:30 am in the morning. Call a girl insane, but she had a blast. Then she went roaming about in the other rooms playing poker, black jack, checkers, the highlight of the night is when she was totally horny went into a poker table and literally turned it into a strip poker game. *giggles* well that was a hot night, but it was all in good fun. A girl did nothing that would go against her limits, and maintained her respectable form, although well it does give new meaning to the name light. For indeed she did light up the room.

She has been having some weird dreams lately. Its amazing how the subconscious can really get you even in the peaceful hours of ones slumber. But she had dreams of death, sex, violence, rape, they have been plaguing her dreams. But some of them was good. She had a dream of Master completely using her with his friend, but to top it off, cotton balls became a big issue. *shudders* ackk never realized how bad her repulsion to cotton balls was, but to be smoothered in cotton balls in this dream scared the hell out of her. She also had a dream where she was going from room to room looking at all the dead bodies hanging from meat hooks their guts hanging out as flys swarmed around the stench of the rotting flesh. Damn a girl has some strange dreams. Wonders how one would analyze dreams such as her, then again her dreams always have sex or death associated with them.

January 8 Monday

Well this weekend was interesting, was rather upset last night after talking to a mini-master. *sighs* Only reason was because she refused to give him a picture or give her weight out. See this is one of the things a girl finds very frustrating, is that immediately they base it soley on a picture. A persons appearence has nothing to do with the ammount of love, devotion, submission or what a girl can do for her Master. Yet all they want is a picture of her. No wonder a girl is so self conscious at times. No one ever wants to know what is on the inside rather then the outside. Well a girl gave him a good cursing out, slapping his ass, and ignored the hell out of him. But mainly guess a girl is just disappointed thats all.

She was able to talk to Master last night. *smiles* she is actually glad she called him. Wasnt going to call him at all. She just felt like talking to him wasn't going to do anything. Then again, she did call him and felt 100% better. She is sorry that He is not feeling too well, hopes he feels better. Guess the hardest thing is that she gets so low, doubts him, and it just takes her talking to him a little bit for her to feel better. Hopefully a girl will be able to see him next week, spend some time with him, just hopes he feels better.

she did recieve some bad news at work. *sighs* Its like just a when a girl gets back on track, just when she is doing good, tradgedy strikes. A girl was given a verbal warning today, FUCK a verbal fucking warning, and was explained to her that the next time leads to written along with 90 days suspension then next step would be termination, for something that has nothing to do with me. *sighs* Its actually my Mother. My Mother and her bad credit, is ruining me. We both are on the same account together, and well she hasnt been keeping her account too well as a result, that is going against the board of worker's ethics or some shit like that, in writing a girl is bound to keep good credit and high standing with her accounts being she is working at a financial institution. Because she shares an account with her mother, and the account isn't doing too good, as a result this one is held accountable. FUCK. Didnt even do a damn thing and has to get a verbal warning with this shit. Well my plan is screw mommmy, name is comming off account and she is going to handle it herself. Can't jeopardize my job because she can't keep up with the bills, Its bad enough this ones credit is shot, but desparately re-establinshing self.

Aside from that well a girl is now hooked on chess. Has a few more games to establish a rating, although she keeps losing, think a girl is doing excellent. Been a very long time since she has played chess and truth is she has never played with an opponent before. Now she is able to play with a great many opponents and is learning much about the game, getting a fine appreciation for the game. Can't wait till she gets her rating..*smiles*.

Tues Jan 9 2000

Well today was her day off, and for some reason lead it in misery. Maybe it is just a combination of things, issues, thoughts, unsettled problems, who knows. Maybe it is just that she has a chemical imbalance. Why not blame that on something. There is so many issues on her mind right now, doesnt even know where to begin.

First off the whole issue of her job is bothering her. The fact that Home Office had to call her up. That is so demeaning, embraressing, geeze, this one is in jeopardy for losing her job over something that sheh as nothing to do with. *sighs* Was thinking what if a girl didnt have this job. Where would she be? Working in Mcdonalds Flipping burgers? Actually depressingly they would actually pay the same ammont a girl is making now. They would give me exactly what a girl is working here at the bank, but what does that entail, waking up 6am in the morning, Long hours, working holidays, shitty customers, shitty working conditions, pain strenous activity. But what else is there for her?

Second of all was thinking of her friend. Its a long sad story, and a girl knows she is making it worst. But isnt it better to walk away? Not even bother. Master suggested, not ordered not required, but suggested her to call her friend up, just to talk, just to get back what we had. This one flat out refuses. Maybe a girl is jeoulous, at least this one can admit it. But can't bear to talk to her friend anymore. Just can't. Each time a girl talks to her, sure she may be all happy, giddy, lovey dovey, but inside, she is screaming. She feels there is nothing that can be said to her..and her friends daggers against her as well don't make it easier on her. Master blames it all on one night in which this one came in bitching, crying and upset. Yes a girl was very upset that night. Very upset. She wanted to spend a nice quiet evening with Master, knew that she might have seen her friend there as well, but would have been nice to be with Him, after all her friend stayed the night. But no, instead she felt pushed against the wall to reveal exactly what was on her mind that evening. Well how can a girl admit to not only her Master but to her friend that she wished to just fuck the hell out of both of them. She even got the strength to suggest it, but kept pushing on how, what did she want to do. *shakes head* that is like the one question a girl has trouble answering. what does she want to do? Good quesiton a girl doesnt even know what the hell she wants to do. But to admit to her friend that either she wanted to fuck both of them together, or wanted her to go home was just unfair. So a girl stayed silent. She Stayed Silent. Silent as always. But why is a girl upset about one night that happend what 3 months ago? She is not..but is upset at what happened ever since then. Not even being able to talk to her friend. Master blames this one for not taking the initiative and calling her up. Well does her messages mean anything? Does her cards mean anything? Send a christmas card, send a new years card and always messaging her each and every time her frien is online. but nothing, well will admit will get one little message that says "busy have a nice day" or whatever. *sighs* it is just upsetting.

Third, a fucking mini-Master comming into her life. Not just one but two of them. One calling her a fat cunt, whom she cursed to the never ending sun, and the other who is freaking her out. Someone sent him to watch her. Maybe that is just a mind-fucking technique he is using upon a girl. It worked, but the worst part is a girl having to defend her Master. Not that is the worst part, but why the hell does a girl put herself in that situation. Should have ignored his ass, clicked and just forgot about the loser. Maybe it is just a girl hates those who lie and are in secret. Why go behind her back. Who was it that sent her. And why does he live so fucking close to her. Thats the scary part. Talk about paranoia. Just why does a girl get herself into these situations. Maybe the idea of being a slave, the idea of being ultimate property, the idea of being used. But most off all being used by her Master. Has no problem with him giving her off to others, or asking anything of her, even if it pushes way beyond her limits. She has no problem with that. Who knows.

Sunday Jan 21

geeze has it really been that long since she wrote anything in her diary? Wow, seems it is about time, much has been happening, then again absolutely nothing has been happening. First off think the one big thing that comes to her mind is her diet. Yes she is trying again and again, and again, but this time, may be sucessful. Been attempting the atkins diet, whiping out carbs from her diet completely. So far been on it for 6 days, and well actually lost 5lbs. Was suprised with that, sadly though haven't been focusing on the exercise portion of it, For now want to focus on eating right, and healthy, and disciplining self in that fashion, because if she does so much against her body will go into shock or something, and already this diet is taking a toll on her. But she feels good, she feels disciplined and she keeps reminding herself why she is doing this, and what she has to do. Of course the down side to it is her thinking. In her strange mind she feels if she doesnt lose weight that no one would find her attractive, and good looking. That no one would care about herself on the inside, just what is found on the outside. That might be working even worst on her low self esteem, however, it is working. It truly is.

She has been joining some exercise clubs and viewing some sites that focuses on exercise, stretching, contortionism, and various forms of meditaion yoga, think it has been helping her, plus gaining some ideas. Even at the computer as she types she can slowly work on breathing exercises and stretching exercises, and to balance it out has been taking a break from the computer every hour or two and stretching or using weights to balance it out. Gives her something to do, plus she has to admit the computer is getting more and more depressing. Well its not the computer it is probably her, she is just lonely.

Yes, lonlieness, it has been....umm can't even officially say how long it has been since she has seen Master, but it seems every week we make plans, and every week they are broken. The worst part is not the fact that he is busy or he has things to do, its the fact that the things he says to her, does, and well just missing him makes it hard. Been thinking, he says a girl is greedy, she even says she is greedy, but it is not greediness, it is just, well rarely gets to see him to begin with, so why not ask for an all out time with him?

the more she thinks about it at times, the more it makes her upset, what happened? what happend to it all. She was re-reading her diary entry of July 30 and August 15, the two key points, the first time she met Master and the first time she had sex with Master. The happiness, the innocence, the modesty, yet in her mind, she wants to just fuck anything that moves at this moment, Not caring who it is or what it is, just for the mere thought of attention. Its sad. But well a girl moves on, and is searching. She is actually searching for someone vanilla, young, and who lives within the area. So far met 2 guys...umm dont know if she wants to call them nice or not. One lives a few blocks down the road from her, and well, wants her to come over and get high, but well he is highly poetic, has a great spirit, but is a pot head. The other one, well, he seems nice, went to the same school. But.....Why must BDSM be such an important facet, why can't she make up her mind. Thats what it is, she cannot make up her mind with her own descisions, she needs someone to make descisions for her. Maybe she is the ultimate door mat, trapped in a lie?

Ok this isnt going to well on to more pleasant things. She did for the first time bought two porno tapes, and well she has been having an all out fun fest with them. They are getting her so hot, bothered and excited, that by watching them she can just cum all the way. In a sick way she actually enjoys the fact that she knows she can do so, licking it all up tasting her excitement, then after taking a deep breath calming down her exhaustion, smashes her dildo against the wall and just burst into tears. Why must a girl find something so wrong, so pleasurable. Why must sex be the focus of everything. Its though, a girl will always be alone, watching everyone around her marry, have a child, and live a wonderful life happily married. And she will have the single life, a few moths here and there of heavenly bliss, then...........

Back to pornos, she bought to tapes, one is the Housten 640, its of a slut who has sex with 640 guys, one right after the other, personally the tape is a joke, and well if she came 640 times that would be a spectacle, but she wasnt even into the sex acts. As for the other tape, its black attack, Black men with huge dicks fucking the hell out of white girls. Damn the size of them is unbelievable, didnt even dicks can get that big. But thats the one thing that the pornos have in common, there is no emotion to it. It is just using the slut with no feeling. What about kissing, touching, the romantic side. A girl may never see that in the pornos, yet those are the things she enjoys. A girl can give a blow job, but isnt just slup slurp slurp bob the head and wait for to come, at least she thinks when she gives a blow job, she does so carefully like what she has in her mouth is a prescious gift. A gift she so badly aches to have once again.

~takes a deep breath~ umm Ok, Work. Work has been ok, so far no mistakes whatsoever, and she hasnt been showing, the only downside to it is the goals. She is not making her goals, and the DM is going to come down hard on all of us. But it is not just her it is everyone. For example we are supposed to get 55 special checking additions into the branch by the end of Jan, well so far we only have 4 that came in. We are 49 down. Yet this one has referal cards for 12 people whom she refered, only problem is NONE of them took it into effect. IN fact absolutely none of her referals went in at all. ITs not easy. Then again a girl is in jeopardy of losing her job in so many aspects not even funny. But well a girl takes it day by day, and if she loses it, well Mcdonalds is always looking for help..*ughhh*

Well for now hmm doesnt know for now...she is lonely seeks attention, will do anything for attention and focusing on her diet. keeping a tally 5lbs WOO HOO, what a way to start :) So that leaves her speechless, wishes she had something more interesting in her life going on right now, but a girl is useless and bored. oh well.

January 23 Tuesday

this isn't fair and this isnt right. sighs..wondering which is worst, her work side, or her relationship side. Definately relationship :(. Being pinned against the wall by another. DAMNIT IT. Fuck this. She got into a fight with a friend of hers, well, that friend shares her Master, as a result, both are going to suffer. Said it once said it again, cant a girl just walk away. Anyway, she wasnt feeling too good last night, was upset on a few things, work is getting to her, lonliness is getting to her, and all seem to just add up yesturday. Well her friend pmed her. At that moment should have just went with her instinct and jsut ignore her, logg out and go to bed. Started talking to her though and it was just a nightmare, ended up saying the wrong things, and well now recieved a letter that just brought a girl to tears. I am a bitch, i know it, i dont know how to keep a friendship, never did. Dont even know anymore. But now, feel i am going to lose the one thing which means the world to me because of this. Then again *sighs* probably something never had to begin with.

this shit really upsetting me, not even going to get into it. But now even tonight, Master pushes me out. She told him everything and did the very thing that her friend said she did. Ran to her Masteer to tell him all. Well what do you expect, that is what a girl should be doing isn't it? Maybe a girl takes submission and BDSM even more serious then anything else, but not going to leave Master out of the cold, even if she does anyway. Tries to tell him everything. but.......*sighs*

well enough about that...her life is going to turn to hell anyway. Has to cover another branch for an entire month. FUCKING SHIT. Is stuck working in a god awful bank where the customers are nothing but low class poverish day workers who stink, and then there are those that belittle her, and make fun of her. The staff is rude, and well....*sighs* she ended up covering there today and was not happy at all. Now she has to go there for a month. It is going to be a nightmare. So that is her job for the next month. Sadly though would have liked to see Master this weekend. needed to. Now dont even know. Why is that not surprising, for the past few weeks answer has been no.

ok have to get to good news, a girl gave up carbs. Is becomming a compulsive nut when it comes to carbs. no breads, no cereals, no rice, no carbs. Is desparately trying not to eat any carbs. Seems to be doing good, being that she lost 5 lbs this first week. And yes it has now been one week!! So that is a good thing a girl is losing weight. Even if it kills her, a girl is going to be thin.

January 25, 2001

Well don't even know what to say. Things with her friend is not going too well. Tried talking, and recieved emails that breaks my heart. Truth is, there were things in there that were not needed to be said. I have never lied to Master, and the times i did keep things from him i told him EVERYTHING. She makes it sound like there is a conspiricy that she knows everything and he knows nothing. Aside from that it is up to her for what he wishes to do to me? Since when? Since when does a girl choose what her Dom/trainer/lover does for another girl? *arggg* not even going to get into this because seriously this got me so upset. Honestly...don't even going to care anymore. NOt oging to dwell in it, if she talks to me, fine, if not, fine. Said my hellos, tried talking, oh well

Anyway, things aren't going to well on work side, had a big heavy meeting today on what the hell the branch is going to do being they are losing me. It is infuriating, because the branch that she is going to isnt even one that needs help. Turns out they HAVE help, yet stealing it away from a branch that finally got up on their feet. But it is Regional Managers doing...i have no choice. Oh well.

Ok bright side...Now up to 7lbs WOO HOO..*smiles* lost 7lbs since she started this diet. Then again doesnt really show. Even if it kills a girl, has to lose weight thats her priority, Going to do it no matter what. The hardest part is crave chocolate, cakes cookies..but no. Have been good, Not going to ruin it. To think 7lbs in 9 days. Think that is unbelievable :).

January 28 Sunday

Well today is sunday, and a girl is in pleasants spirits. A little exhausted, a little reflective, a little devil as well..*giggles*. Truthfully seriously tired, Dont even know why woke up so early, guess it is in my system to wake up a certain time every day no matter what day it is.

Yesturday was able to go see Master...WOO HOO, a girl needed that badly. Had a wonderful time. *smiles* There is so much going through my mind in reflection of yesturday, as well as i also know that, i am tired as anything, and really not in the mood to write..*giggles* Ok, to try to start somewhere.

See one thing a girl was a little concerned with is throughout yesturday Master kept pushing the idea of whether or not what we did was making me "content" if it was suitable to my needs. Felt a little offended by that, even one point told him that it is not about if i am, it is about You. Then again he through it back and me saying, but it is about you too. That confused a girl a little bit. In a way, knows it is important if a girl is happy or not, but in her mind, what is important is his happiness. But downside is she is greedy. Then again think a girl deserves to be, hasnt seen him in a long time and the short time a girl does spend with him, aches for attention. *giggles*

Arriving there, was freezing, but ended up getting there early, helped wash and dry the dishes, and he gave a girl an interesting assigment to separate erotic pictures that she seems to like. Was getting completely turned on, then to hear in the back ground music with MR Mojo rising....by the doors..ackk...think a girl felt she was getting too excited. His computer was great though, never realized that the mac was so good, picture slide show was great, and the pictures were a real turn on as well. Some of them even had to ask what it was all about? But it also reflect upon the type of photos i like. the little dark inhibitions within me that seems to stir. Some pictures all out scared her, others, left her in shock. The hardest thing was when Master rejoined me in the room, and he is laying there on the couch, and this one knows he is behind her, and she had to choose in front of him the ones she found exciting. Don't know why it is so hard to truly let go of inner most thoughts. In fact we had a talk about this later on, at the times when a girl feels most submissive. Two times, both very different. Feels most submissive when completely bound and at his mercy, and feels most submissives when she is asked direct questions which reveal her inner most thoughts.

Speaking of which. He asked one question where felt like the whole room just went dead silent. I couldnt answer it. Not because don't know the answer. Truth is don't want to admit it to him. I know it is not about right or wrong answer, but my fear is the consequences of giving such an answer to it. Three times i had the chance to answer that question to three other people, and all three times, i was hurt in the end because of it. God making it sound like it is such a bad thing to admit the truth. But yet why is it so hard, for this one question. Only thing a girl is greatful for is that he allowed a girl not to answer it. Think that was the first time he ever gave a girl a choice not to answer a question.

Well going back to good things, have to admit Master was ingenious with his ideas. *smiles* Left her completely vunerable, tying her legs up standing up, and even set up a "self choking" mechanism. The more tired my legs got, the tighter the chain around my neck went. Thing is, really didnt even know that it was my legs pushing down on it. But found the chain pulling tighter and tighter. Then he had these black rubber gloves. Ohhh..they were sooo good. Don't know why she reacted so much to them, but just to feel them rubbing across her body, teasing her, the smell of them, the way they slicked across her skin. *shudders*

*giggles* she knows a girl really is skipping all over the place, but well there are things a girl can keep to herself as well. We did have a wonderful dinner, and she gave him a nice massage..ooooo. Hmm, can go on and on, but going to leave it at that. A girl had a WONDERFUL TIME :). A few things on her mind, which..well a girl will have to reflect upon at her own time.

To talk about other things for a little bit. Tommorrow starts her one month of hell at another branch. UGHHH really not looking forward to it, but will go there, do what she has to, then well, will be back in home branch. It was hard on friday to clean out her desk, take home her name plate, and books, and well, just to count down. Feels like all a girl does is being pushed around. That means this is the fourth time a girl is moving from branch to branch. All she knows is when her year end review comes..they better give a girl an EXCELLENT review. Is busting ass for this place, adn her goals, and refferals are not being met all because of her bouncing around from place to place.

Aside from that a girl is doing good on her diet. Lost 8lbs already, and have been trying to be good. Last night she admits she did binge a little on carbs. Her tummy ended up blowing up, swollen. Note to self..NO MORE CARBS. But well a girl is going to be going back to her diet, and work out well. *crosses fingers* all she knows is, a girl hopes she can lose it. Especially before a very special day. *smiles*.

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